Like a Red Headed Stepchild
by mugglesftw
Summary: Harry Potter was born with red hair, but the Dursley's always treated him like the proverbial red-headed stepchild. Once he enters the wizarding world however, everyone assumes he's just another Weasley. To Harry's surprise, the Weasleys don't seem to mind. Now written by Gilderoy Lockhart, against everyone's better judgement.
1. Chp 1: Yer a Ginger, Harry

_Chapter 1: Yer a Ginger, Harry_

When people used the phrase, "like a red-headed stepchild" Harry Potter had always thought that they were referring to him. His wild red hair and green eyes stood out against his much plainer and "normal" looking relatives, and it was yet another thing they resented him for. Thankfully, the beatings that were usually associated with red-headed step children were something that Harry mostly avoided, aside from the Harry hunting games that Dudley occasionally played. Fortunately, Harry was scrawny but fast, and usually avoided his overweight cousin and his friends.

Sadly, that skill hadn't helped him when his uncle had apparently gone mad and attempted to flee from the mysterious sender of letters addressed variously to the Cupboard Under the Stairs, the Smallest Bedroom, and hotels scattered throughout the country. Despite his Uncle's best efforts though, Hagrid the Giant Wizard had managed to locate Harry and whisk him off to Diagonally.

"Look just like yer mum you do," Hagrid had said, rubbing Harry's ginger locks. Harry had smiled, glad to finally have someone appreciate him instead of insulting him.

Now Harry was even getting new clothes for the first time in his memory, standing in Madam Malkin's and having his measurements taken. Next to him stood a blonde boy with an annoyed expression on his face, as if getting new clothes was somehow a burden.

"Hello," Harry said happily.

The boy looked at him and rolled his eyes. "Well, I suppose you're off to Hogwarts then too."

"Yes," Harry said, eyeing a magical tape measure as it crept its way up his arm.

"Well, red hair and second hand clothes, no need to ask who you are. You're a Weasley."

Frowning, Harry felt at his hair. "I'm a what?" but the boy was ignoring him.

"Such a shame that one of the Sacred 28 has turned into such a disreputable family. You'll be in Gryffindor with the rest of your brood I imagine, and happy about it you poor sod. You Weasleys even seem to think that's something to be proud of."

"Well why wouldn't it be?" Harry asked, genuinely curious.

Sneering, the other boy eyed Harry with a measuring look. "Gryffindor is for those with no sense and an overdeveloped hero complex. Your family is famous for their idiotic heroics, especially in the last war."

"You're done dear," the seamstress said, and the other boy left Harry alone with his thoughts. Upon further reflection, Harry decided that maybe being a Weasley wouldn't be so bad. After all, Hagrid had said his parents had been in Gryffindor, and Harry rather liked the idea of having a family of heroes.

/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Having never been to King's Cross Station before, Harry was feeling rather lost. Hedwig was hooting behind him in the cart, adding a sense of urgency to Harry's wanderings as he searched for platform 9 3/4 . He was just about to ask one of the station attendants when he found himself swept up in a ginger tide.

"Come on Weasley's, we're running late again," a woman's voice said as she firmly grabbed Harry by the arm and started steering him back towards platforms 9 and 10.

"Charlie, don't wander off again," she admonished, then reached out and grabbed another redheaded child. "George, leave that poor man alone. Don't go sticking gum to muggles shoes, it's not polite. Come on, we have to get to the Hogwarts express before it leaves without us!"

Harry relaxed slightly. At least they were going to the same place. And these had to be the famous Weasleys.

"But mum, I'm Fred, not George."

"Of course you aren't. Charlie dear, hold my hand, I don't want you getting lost."

"I'm not Charlie," Harry said, trying to slip free of the woman's grasp.

She tsked and shook her head. "Oh, sorry Bill, of course you aren't. Ron, don't let Scabbers get away now, this place is packed with muggles."

"Percy help Bill with his crate as we go through the barrier please," the woman said. "You first Fred and George. Yes, I know which as which even if I do get your names mixed up sometimes."

A tall boy with horned rimmed glasses and hair just as red as Harry's stepped up beside Harry to steady Hedwig's cage back on his cart. "I'm not Bill either," Harry told the boy. He just shrugged.

"No, but it's best to go along with it. She's in a right fit state after what happened at breakfast. Besides, you look like you really could use the help."

"I like your owl," a red headed girl said quietly beside Harry. "Are you another cousin?"

Harry smiled at her. "Thanks. I guess? I mean, how many redheaded wizards can their be?"

"You'd be surprised," the older boy muttered. "Come on, through the barrier, just go straight at it."

Once he was through the barrier, the tide of redheads carried Harry along to train car. The woman bent down and hugged and kissed him, smiling and rubbing the top of Harry's head. "Have a wonderful term dear. Remember, we'll be visiting your brother in Romania. Write often! Percy can let you borrow Hermes. Oh, you seem to have your own owl! When did we get you that?" Before she could finally realize that Harry was, in fact, not one of her own brood, there was a bang and she whirled to confront another one of her children and his misdeeds.

"Bye!" the girl called, waving to Harry as her mother dragged her away. "I'm Ginny by the way, write to the Burrow and the owl will find us!"

"Come on then," the older boy said, grabbing Harry and other ginger boy his own age. "Let's get your stuff stowed before I have to go to the prefects meeting."

And then Harry found himself in a compartment, his things safely stowed, his cheek kissed and a woman waving goodbye to him as the train pulled away. "Goodbye Ron, Percy, Bill." She suddenly frowned. "Wait, you're not Bill. Sorry Charlie!"

Harry waved back, still slightly confused about the whole situation, but rather pleased that someone had actually seen fit to send him off to school, even if they were a bit perplexed on his name.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"Another Weasley eh? I know just what to do with you. You belong in Gryffin-" The hat cut itself off. "You're not a Weasley." There was an awkward silence.

"It's OK," Harry said aloud so that everyone could hear. "You're not the first one to make that mistake. I don't mind, you can call me a Weasley if you want."

The hat atop his head coughed slightly. "Sorry, I just assumed, what with the red hair and all..."

"I quite understand," Harry assured the hat. "Mrs. Weasley even thought I was one of her own children."

"Well it doesn't help that you have a very Gryffindorish mind," the Hat said sulkily. "I mean, look at all this. Courage, not enough sense. You're almost like one of them."

"It's OK, I don't mind being in Gryffindor. I met Ron on the train and we're best mates now."

"Well, I appreciate your understanding. I'm not a young hat anymore. Even if you're not a Weasley you belong in GRYFFINDOR!"

There was a lot of cheering, and Fred and George hopped up on the table and started chanting, "Potter's a Weasley, Potter's a Weasley."

Harry didn't mind. He was rather starting to enjoy being a part of a real family. Percy the prefect even made a space for him and told him not to worry, supper would be along soon. Then Ron joined him, and put his arm around Harry.

"Mate, it looks like you're doomed to be part of the family. Even that hat couldn't tell you weren't one of us."

"That's quite alright," Harry said, putting his own arm around Ron's shoulder. "I always wanted a brother."

"Too bad," Percy muttered. "There are six of us."

"You'd think a prefect would be able to count," Fred, or possibly George said.

His twin nodded. "Quite right. There are seven of us now after all. Too bad mum left this one with the muggles for a few years."

Harry just smiled.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Before potions class started, Harry was very nervous. As a newly inducted member of the Weasley clan, he'd been briefed by Percy on what to expect in each class. "History of magic is a bit dull, but just make sure to have someone take notes during the lecture and the rest of you can sleep through it. If you nod off, ask me and I'll let you borrow my notes from that day when I was a firstie myself. They're probably pretty much the same."

"Don't slack off in transfiguration. McGonagall might be our head of house but she watches all of us like a lioness and expects the best."

"Professor Flitwick is very kind, but don't make any short jokes. He was a champion duelist after all."

"If you ever need someone to talk to, Professor Sprout is your best bet. She's very kind, and always willing to listen even if you're not in her house."

"Hagrid is a great chap and if you take care of magical creatures he's a great help. Just don't eat his rock cakes."

"Don't let Professor Sinatra's name fool you. She might be from an old pureblood family but she's very nice and always loves to talk about the stars if you get stuck on a homework assignment."

"Stay away from Snape. He hates Gryffindor's and us in particular. I'd like to blame Fred and George for that one, but honestly I think it started with Bill and it wasn't any of his fault; he'd never made a boil removing potion before."

So when Snape locked eyes with Harry right at the beginning of class, he swallowed and try to look braver than he felt.

"Mr. Potter. Our new celebrity."

"Honestly sir, the fame isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'm thinking of changing my name," Harry said. Beside him, Ron snorted and developed a sudden cough. Mentally, Harry berated himself for mouthing off to a teacher he'd already been told was not inclined to like him.

To Harry's shock, Snape's mouth twitched upward in a half smile. "Denying the name of Potter? Surely you wish to honor the memory of your father."

"Really sir, I don't know anything about him, and the Weasley's have been very kind to me. Honestly, I wish someone would actually explain what happened to my parents. I'm told I look like my mum, but I don't even have a picture of her."

For a moment, Harry thought Snape was going to murder him right there. A viscious expression stole over the potions masters face as his lip curled in anger. Then he whirled about and started firing off questions at various students, with only Hermione Granger of Gryffindor managing to get any right.

"What was that about?" Harry whispered to Ron as they tried to follow the boil curing potion.

Ron could only shrug. "Search me Harry, I thought he was going to kill you there for a moment. That was pretty brilliant; I don't think even Fred and George have gotten that sort of a reaction out of him."

"Weasley, mind your potion, you must stir clockwise three times before adding the nettles," Snape snarled as he wandered past their cauldron.

"Yes sir!" Harry and Ron said at the same time, then grinned at one another.

For his part, Snape smirked.

After class, Snape pulled Harry aside. "If you wish to learn more about your mother, see me in my quarters after supper."

Harry nodded eagerly, and right after supper he and Ron both turned up at Snapes quarters in the dungeons, Ron having claimed that Harry would need a witness so that at least they could find his body once Snape was through with whatever dark plans he had for Harry.

The door opened at their knock, and Snape glared down at Ron. "I asked for one red-headed miscreant, not two."

"Where he goes, I go," Ron said stoutly, though his knees trembled slightly.

With a heavy sigh, Snape opened the door wider. "Very well. I suppose it would not do much harm for you to learn the sordid history of Harry's family."

Snape spent the evening regaling Harry with tales of his mother's kindness and intelligence, and occasional snippets about his father who seemed a rather monstrous sort by Snape's description.

"Why did Harry's mum even put up with his dad if he was always so cruel?" Ron asked after a story in which Lily Evans had heroically defended a poor innocent from the torments of James Potter and his gang of thugs.

"That remains a mystery in my mind to this day," Snape said silkily. He then pulled out a photo of Lily when she was about Harry's age from an album. "Take this as a momento, Harry. You are indeed the very picture of your mother."

"Thank you sir!" Harry said happily, taking the picture of his mother and holding it tight to his chest. "This is the best present anyone has ever given me."

Snape raised an eyebrow. "Surely your aunt has given you pictures of your mother, even if they were not proper wizarding photos."

"No, mostly just hand me downs from my cousin," Harry admitted.

Ron slapped him on the back. "See, I knew you were a proper Weasley."

"Enough. I tire of your inane banter. Begone, the both of you."

Harry and Ron ran off, leaving behind a brooding Snape. The boy was the picture of his mother, but with the Weasley's influence, he could all too easily become just like his father. He would have to guide the boy along the proper path, even if he was a Gryffindor like his mother.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

The first flying lesson was easily the most fun at Hogwarts since Harry had arrived, but naturally something had to ruin it, and that something was poor Neville Longbottom falling off his broom and breaking his wrist. When Madam Hooch had told everyone not to touch their brooms, no one had actually listened, and Harry had ended up diving for Neville's remembrall when Malfoy had thrown it.

"Brilliant catch Harry," Ron cheered, hurrying over to Harry as he landed.

"RONALD WEASLEY!" Minerva McGonagall strode forward, eyes blazing. "That was the most foolish, reckless thing I've ever seen!"

Ron paled, but didn't say anything.

"What were you thinking, diving after that thing on the broom! In all my years, I've never… Come with me! If the rest of you even think of touching your brooms, I'll have you in detention for the rest of the year!"

"But-" Harry started, but Ron shook his head.

"No, it's alright. I'll take the fall for this one. You can have the next one."

Feeling slightly relieved, Harry nodded.

"You shouldn't have let him take the blame for you," Hermione lectured as Ron was led away by McGonagall.

Harry smiled. "He's a like a brother I never had. He even got in trouble for me. I always dreamed of having family like that, you know?"

"It's still wrong," Hermione grumped. Harry just shrugged.

"Hey, maybe if people could get my name right, we wouldn't have that problem."

Later, a very confused looking Ron met Harry and Hermione in the common room.

"What did she do to you?" Harry asked. "If its really bad, I could always go confess to her, say it was really me."

"She made me seeker for the quidditch team," Ron said in a half dazed voice. "I'm the youngest seeker in a century."

Harry pounded Ron on the back, cheering for him. "But that's brilliant! You said you wanted to be on the team, and now you are!"

"But that's like rewarding you for breaking the rules!" Hermione protested. "She can't do that."

Fred and George burst in just then, tackling Ron to the ground and tickling him mercilessly.

"Icklie Ronnikins is seeker? Taking after our big brother Charlie are you? Brilliant!"

"Harry was the one," Ron gasped, trying to block their fingers from his more tickless areas. "He made the catch, he should be seeker."

The twins stopped, sitting up and staring at Harry wide eyed. "It was you?"

"Well, yes. But McGonagall just saw someone with red hair on the broom and must have thought it was Ron. She just grabbed him and they ran off before I could try and take the blame for it."

"You mean our ickle firstie brothers just pranked McGonagall?" Fred and George both blinked, the solemnly stood. "That's it, we're officially adopting you. Oi, Percy, get over here!"

"What?" Percy demanded, looking up from his homework.

"We're offically adopting Harry. He's pulled a prank so brilliant he has to be family. Get over here and make it official."

Percy rolled his eyes. "I officially adopt Harry as a part of the Weasley family as the oldest member of the Weasley family present."

"So mote it be," the twins said seriously, then kicked Ron.

"Um, yeah, Harry's adopted," Ron agreed as he stood.

Then both twins pulled out a flask of pumpkin juice and dumped it all over Harry's head, soaking him and his robes.

"There you go," Fred said happily.

George nodded. "Proper Weasley baptism."

"We dub thee...Harry Weasley!"

"Er...thanks?"

"No problem." Then the twins turned to Ron, wide grins on their faces. "So, Ron, you going to actually play as seeker?"

Ron gulped, and looked at Harry. "We'll um, we'll work something out," Ron stammered.

Harry grinned, wiping away the pumpkin juice from his forehead. "We could take turns! You be seeker one game, then I'll do it the next. I'll be no one even notices; since we have on those goggles no one will even know."

Fred and George howled with laughter, and even Ron had to grin. For his part, Percy just rolled his eyes. Great. He had another pranking brother. He had held such high hope for Harry….

The next day, Ron got a present from his brother Charlie: a brand new Nimbus 2000.

"Heard you made the team in my old position. Congrats, Ron! I had a little money set aside so I decided to spend it on my new favorite brother. I'll try to make it out to one of your games some time. Love, Charlie."

"Wow," Harry said, stroking the broom gently. "This is amazing. Will you let me fly it sometime?"

Ron nodded, dumbstruck, his hands cradling the broom reverently.

 _Dear Ginny,_

 _Hello, it's Harry, the boy from the train station. Your brothers have decided to officially adopt me after I accidently pranked McGonagall and got Ron made seeker for the quidditch team. I figured I should write you since we're sort of siblings now. Hogwarts is pretty great, and I am really happy to have a real family now. Hope to hear from you soon,_

 _Your brother, Harry_

 _PS: I'm not sure what to tell your mum, but Fred and George said they have plans._

 _/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

 _Dear mum and Ginny,_

 _Hello, I guess you heard I made seeker. My four brothers and I are very excited. The five of us are all looking forward to all the games. I should tell you that it's really thanks to Harry that I got made seeker, but we Weasley's have to stick together. I think Harry and I might trade places for some games, I think he's a better seeker than me. Fred and George have decided that this might just top all their pranks, and will help us. Even Percy admitted that it would be brilliant for Harry and I to trade places; they do it all the time, and who could really tell the difference between me and another Weasley except mum and dad?_

 _Love, Ron_

 _PS, make sure to knit a jumper with an "H" on it for Harry for Christmas mum, he says you forgot him last year. His should probably be green._

 _/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/_

 _Dear mum, (and Ginnykins too)_

 _Hogwarts is going well. We've managed to get Ginny a toilet seat, but neither Hermes nor Harry's owl Hedwig would carry it. Sorry Ginnykins! The good news is that Harry and Ron are fitting right in with the rest of the Weasley's, so don't you worry. They've somehow managed to even get Snape to like them. Even Percy isn't sure how they managed that, but we're pretty sure it was some sort of brilliant prank we'll unravel later._

 _Love, Gred and Feorge._

 _/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

 _Dear Mother,_

 _My studies are going well. I currently have O's in all my classes. I've been trying to mind Fred and George as is my duty as prefect, but they still managed to blow up one of the toilets in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Thankfully, I don't think anyone but Myrtle minded, and as she's dead its not as if she can use it anyway._

 _Ron and Harry are doing very well. I am making sure they are keeping up with their studies even though they're on the quidditch team. Their friend Hermione Granger is an admirable muggleborn girl who is assisting me with this and ensuring that they do not become too distracted._

 _With Love, Percy._

 _/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

After reading the letters, Molly blinked and frowned. Who was this Harry? She didn't recall having any one named Harry in the family. Mentally, she started to tally all her various children, trying to recall if Harry was on the list.

With a crash, the kitchen widow shattered and a swearing gnome landed with a splash in the sink. Sputtering, it dragged itself out and immediately began swearing. "Oi, I'll have your mum you ginger headed minx! I'll take your guts and tie them in a pretty ribbon about your neck you ugly little bi-"

Molly blasted the gnome back out of the broken window. "GINERVA MOLLY WEASLEY YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!" Molly yelled, storming outside to harangue her overly energetic daughter.

An interesting side effect of the distraction, however, was that Molly had become even more confused about which of her children was who than usual, and now had added "Harry" to the mental list of names to call her sons when one of them had done something.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

 _Authors Note:_

 _I wrote this after people on reddit kept begging for a red headed Harry story where everyone confuses him for a Weasley. I suppose if people like it enough I might explore the concept further, but for now it's just a one-shot._


	2. Chp 2: Sleepy the Wonder Turban

_Chapter 2: Sleepy the Wonder Turban_

The Halloween Feast was something that Harry had been looking forward to. With the Dursley's, Halloween had been a chance for Harry to go out and get some candy for Dudley, which was pretty boring especially since he was always a ghost in a raggedy bedsheet and never anything interesting. With the Weasleys, Harry actually got some Halloween presents; chocolate pumpkins from Fred and George and a self inking quill from Percy (it was a "respectable" gift). Ron had given Harry some of his chocolate frog cards, and Harry had blushed at receiving so many gifts.

"I didn't get any of you anything," Harry admitted.

"It's ok Harrykins, we expect something extraordinary for christmas," Fred said. Harry was finally able to tell the twins apart thanks to a mole on George's neck, though he wasn't entirely accurate.

Thinking of the large amount of gold in his bank vault, Harry resolved that each and every Weasley was going to get something really special. After all, it was going to be his first Christmas with his new family.

After classes, the Weasley's carved pumpkins together out on the lawn. Fred and George had carved a pumpkin in a shrieking banshee face, and dubbed it "mum." Even Percy had smirked at that one, and Ron and Harry found it rather hilarious. Harry carved a rather simple jack o'lantern with a smiling face and buck teeth, having never before had the chance to partake in the Halloween tradition. Ron had made himself a golden snitch lantern, and Percy had made a very intricate depiction of the headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. When they were finished, Percy conjured some witch lights and placed them in each pumpkin, where they cast spooky shadows over the lawn.

That done, they all headed inside for the rather excellent feast. Ron and Harry had just about demolished an entire head of ham together when the nervous professor Quirrell burst into the hall.

"Troll in the dungeon!" he cried. "Thought you ought to know."

Then he fainted.

It was immediately bedlam. The headmaster ordered everyone back to their dormitories, but Harry noticed that Hermione was missing. She had run off when Ron had insulted her lack of social graces in charms, and had not been seen since.

"Percy, Hermione's gone," Harry told the older boy. "I think I heard Lavender and Parvati saying she was hiding in the girls lav on the ground floor."

Percy's eyes widened. "That's near the entrance to the dungeons!" He looked around for a professor, but they'd all scampered off to deal with the troll. "Right then, we'll handle this. Fred, George, come on."

Harry and Ron tagged along as well, and the five red heads hurried to the girls bathrooms. There, they found a giant troll peeking into the door. Percy held out his hand, stopping his brothers from continuing. "We'll have to distract it," he said quietly. He turned around. "Harry, Ron, go get a professor and tell them we've found the troll. Fred and George, have you got anymore of those firecrackers? I want you to throw some down the hallway. We'll try to lure the troll into a classroom and contain it there."

"One problem with that guv," Fred said.

George pointed behind them. "The trolls gone into the lav. Why don't we trap it there?"

"Because that's where Hermione is!" Ron cried, and he and Harry darted forward after the troll, the other Weasley's hard on their heels behind them.

The troll was wandering forward, obviously lost and confused, towards the sound of soft crying.

"Hermione!" Ron shouted. "Troll!"

The crying stopped, and the troll immediately spun around, whirling it's club through the air and smashing into the stalls. Hermione screamed, and Harry and Ron had to dive out of the way as the club came crashing down where they had been standing.

"Weasley's lead the way!" Fred and George shouted, and tossed a handful of fire crackers at the troll's feet.

The troll bellowed in rage, stomping and flinging it's club about madly. Harry and Ron hurled themselves forward, using the seeker training they had been getting from Fred and George to dodge the club then climb their way up to the top of the troll. Not having anything else, they both jabbed their wands into the troll's nostrils, causing it even further pain and rage.

" _Reducto_!" Percy shouted, pointing is wand at the troll's club. It shattered into a hundred pieces, and was peppered with shrapnel. Reaching up, it grabbed Harry and Ron and tossed them right at its tormentors. Thankfully, Fred and George had been trained all their lives for this, and nabbed their airborne brothers and set them on the ground.

"Eww," Ron said, holding up his slimey wand.

"Troll boggies," Harry pronounced.

"All together now," Percy said calmly as the troll started forward again. " _Reducto_. Ready, go!"

" _REDUCTO!"_

Five spells flew through the air, two of them smelling of troll boggies, and slammed into the troll's head, covering the room in even more fouler bits of troll. With a creaking like that of a great tree, the troll's corpse fell, slamming into the ground at the feet of the now gore spattered Hermione. The poor girl immediately sat down, her expression dazed. Ron and Harry hurried over, kneeling beside their shocked classmate.

"You alright, 'Mione?" Ron asked. "Sorry about what I said earlier, I didn't mean it."

"I believe I shall live," Hermione declared, blinking and looking up at Ron and Harry in bewilderment. "You came to save me."

"Too right they did," George agreed, wiping troll brains on the back of Fred's robes.

"They're Weasley's," Fred said as he wiped his own troll brains on George's robes.

"And Weasley's always do the stupid heroic thing!"

"Here, Hermione," Percy said gently, handing her a rumpled handkerchief. "Clean yourself off."

Just as Hermione was wiping away the worst of the blood and brains from her face, the door to the bathroom crashed open, and four professors stormed in and skidded to a halt. Upon seeing the dead troll, Quirrel promptly fainted.

"You know, he really is the worst DADA professor I've ever had, and that's saying something," Percy observed as the looked down at the twitching body.

"Mind your tongue, Weasley," Snape growled as he stepped forward to examine the troll corpse.

"Yes sir," five voices said in concert. Even Fred and George were not dumb enough to antagonize the man with the headmaster and their head of house present.

"What happened?" McGonagall demanded, stepping around the corpse to examine her charges. "Why did you not go straight back to the dormitories?"

"It was my fault, Professor," Hermione admitted. "I was sulking in here when the troll came in. The Weasley brothers came to rescue me."

"Harry noticed Hermione was missing from the feast," Percy explained. "I had Fred and George come to help me find her and return her to safety. Harry and Ron tagged along because they're family."

"Why did you not simply get a professor?" McGonagall demanded as she checked everyone over to make certain they had nothing worse than a few bumps and bruises, most of them obtained in the course of being the Weasley brothers, and not in battling a troll.

"Because you lot all skived off as soon as Sleepy the Wonder Turban ran in," Fred said, shaking off McGonagall's hand.

"You should be thanking us," George added. "We're heroes."

"Indeed, I believe that without the aid of the Weasley's and Mr. Potter," Dumbledore began.

"Oi, he's a Weasley now," Ron interrupted. "We officially adopted him when he helped get me on the quidditch team."

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow at Ron, and he immediately quieted down when Percy kicked him in the leg. "As I was saying, without the aid of Band of the Red Hair, Miss Granger would almost certainly have been seriously injured. However, you were all quite reckless. Two points from Gryffindor. Each."

Just as everyone was looking rather crestfallen, save for Snape, who looked rather smug, Dumbledore added, "And ten points to each Weasley and honorary Weasley for a most excellent reductor curse."

"We've adopted Hermione as well," the twins chorused. "The family that fights trolls together stays together."

Hermione looked up at the boys with an incredulous expression on her face. Percy just shrugged. "Don't mind them. Ginny's always wanted an older sister though."

McGonagall let out an audible groan. Another Weasley on top of Harry. That was just what she needed. And Granger had been so promising.

\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

 _Dearest Ginevra,_

 _Hello, you probably don't know me, but I'm Hermione Granger. Your brothers, including Harry, are all very brave. Tonight they all rushed in to save me from a full grown mountain troll. If it were not for them, I would be dead now. Due to some rather strange circumstances in which only those who were honorary Weasley's were awarded house points, I have now become an "honorary Weasley" as per the decree of all five of the current Weasley boys at Hogwarts._

 _I must admit, while I find your brothers to all be rather uncouth, it is comforting to know that I have people I can trust and rely on in this strange new world. You see, I'm a muggle born, and I have a great deal to learn about the magical world._

 _For example, I have to ask, does your garden really have little gnomes in it that swear? I've searched all through the textbooks and I can find no mention of any gnomes that swear._

 _Your Friend,_

 _Hermione Granger_

 _Honorary Weasley_

/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/

 _Dear Hermione,_

 _Yes, the gnomes do in fact swear. I'm pretty sure it's because Bill and Charlie taught them back when mum first made them de-gnome the garden. It's now a family tradition! I've managed to teach them to say, "I'll have your mum" and "you wot mate." This is more difficult than it sounds, as gnomes are not very bright._

 _I am excited that I'll have a big sister at Hogwarts though, I'll I've had so far is smelly brothers who eat all the food and insist on taking the best brooms when we play quidditch._

 _Love,_

 _Ginny_

 _PS: Tell the boys mum called me Harry last week when my accidental magic exploded the tea kettle! I think it's working._

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Despite the excitement from the troll, Gred and Feorge (as they insisted upon being called on the quidditch pitch) still drilled both Harry and Ron mercilessly, mocking them unashamedly while they chased after the snitch. At first, Ron had done quite badly, until Hermione had lambasted Gred, Feorge, and Harry (who had also been ribbing Ron) for picking on their brother. "He is trying his best!" the bushy haired girl had screeched from the edge of the pitch. "Stop picking on him, it isn't fair!"

"Good lord Feorge, that one has a set of lungs on her," Gred remarked, shading his eyes with his hand and peering down from where he had stopped his broom.

Feorge nodded gravely, then hit a bludger towards Hermione, who shrieked and dived out of the way, despite the fact that it had missed her by a wide margin and snaked back around towards Ron. "Not bad at dodging either. We'll-"

Whatever Feorge had been about to say was cut off as Ron streaked through the air and tackled his brother clear off his broom, sending both of them tumbling through the air.

With a stifled curse, Percy cast a cushioning charm and prevented any broken bones. He'd started observing the training sessions, claiming that it was his duty as a prefect to ensure that none of his siblings managed to kill themselves. When he went over to break up the fight, he found Ron crying and wailing on the stunned twin.

"YOU LEAVE HER OUT OF THIS!" Ron bellowed, slapping at his older brothers head. "SHE-"

THUNK! The bludger had found its mark, and sent Ron sprawling in the grass in a daze.

"Right, that's it, no more quidditch for the day," Percy declared, banishing the bludger back into the training case and locking it. "You're all going straight up to the tower and doing your homework."

"Alright Ron?" Harry asked, helping his adoptive brother back up.

Shaking his head from side to side, Ron moaned. "Yeah, OK."

Hurrying over, Hermione cast some basic diagnostic charms. "What were you thinking, diving off your broom like that? You're really thick, you know that?"

"Gerroff," Ron grumbled, batting the wand away. "M'fine."

"Why did you tackle Fred off his broom?" Harry asked.

"Actually I'm-"

"We know," the three youngest Weasley's said in unison.

Ron flushed. "Well, it's just, I was thinking back to the troll, and you nearly got hurt. If that idiot over there had really hurt you just because you were trying to defend me after how horrid I was to you, I'd never forgive myself."

Kneeling down, Hermione wrapped Ron in a warm embrace. "That's OK. Even if you are a git, I forgive you anyway."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

When the first quidditch match of the season arrived, Harry and Ron flipped a coin. When it came up tails, they both groaned.

"Bollocks, I wanted to give it a go," Harry grumped.

Ron held up the coin. "Best two out of three?"

"Oh no you don't!" Harry said, shaking his head. "I'm not taking this away from you. You won fair and square, and you took the fall for me when we thought McGonagall was going to give you detention for the rest of your life. You've earned this."

Seeing the rather green look on Ron's face, Hermione smirked. "I suppose this could be a just reward for your crimes after all Ron."

"Yay me," Ron mumbled.

Despite his trepidation, Ron turned out not to be an awful seeker. At first he seemed rather lost out on the pitch, until Hermione started cheering loudly for him and waving a homemade banner along with Harry and Hagrid that had Ron's grinning face emblazoned on it, along with "Ron for PM."

"What's a PM?" Hagrid had asked when he'd been given the banner.

"The Prime Minister! Honestly Hagrid, he's only the leader of our country," Hermione had lectured.

"Oh." Hagrid had scratched at his beard, looking thoughtful. "Always thought that was Professor Dumbledore meself."

Still, despite the fact that Ron too had no clue who the PM was, the banner seemed to hearten him. It was a long, drawn out game in which Ron and Terrence the Slytherin seeker failed to catch the snitch half a dozen times. Over the course of the game however, the twins started displaying a rather large protective streak (helped along by the fact that Percy had promised to personally inform their mother of every single misdeed they performed for the rest of the year if they allowed any harm to come to Ickle Ronniekins) and Terrence was hit by the bludgers so many times that on the seventh and final appearance of the snitch, he wobbled as he flew, allowing Ron to cut ahead and nab it, ending the game at a respectable 370 to 180.

"Truly, yours is a blessed family," Oliver Wood the team captain had declared. "From now on, I'm personally drafting every Weasley that shows up at this school for the team. You're lucky."

"You're not putting me on the team," Percy had sniffed. "I'm a prefect, I'm far too busy for this sort of nonsense."

"That's OK, you sit on a broom like my grandmother does anyway."

Wood walked away, leaving Percy to decide if he should be insulted or pleased that he'd been dismissed from a sport he had no interest in. Seeing his brothers and Hermione celebrating wildly, Percy shrugged and joined in, deciding that he could always set the twins on Wood at a later date.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

The Christmas season arrived, and Harry learned from Fred and George how to bewitch snowballs to bounce off the back of people's heads. He immediately set several snowballs on Malfoy, who had taken every opportunity to insult Harry for so closely associating himself with the Weasley family.

"That will teach him to mess with family," Ron had declared proudly, grinning at Harry as Draco stumbled in the snow with two snowballs battering at him.

There was a tutting sound behind them, and Ron and Harry slowly turned to see Professor Snape glaring down at them. "Becoming a bit of a bully are we, Harry?"

Harry flushed, and waved his wand, canceling the spell. "He deserved it," Harry muttered. "He insulted our Weasley honor."

"I seem to recall your father saying much the same thing while torturing anyone who got in his way," Snape snarled, causing Harry and Ron to look down in embarrassment. "Twenty points from Gryffindor, and detention. Over the holidays as well I should think, I know you're both staying."

"Rotter," Ron grumbled, kicking at the snow once Snape was well away.

"He's right though," Harry admitted. "It was pretty cruel of us to pick on Malfoy like that."

Harry and Ron spent several long nights scrubbing floors for Filch. During one such session, they stumbled into an empty classroom to lay down for a bit.

"Hey Ron, what's that?" Harry asked, nodding towards a large mirror at the center of the room.

"Dunno, dun care," Ron muttered, slumping onto a dusty chair.

His weariness forgotten, Harry stepped forward to peer into the mirror. He let out a gasp.

"Ron, come look it's got your whole family in here! And me and Hermione too!" The entire Weasley clan was looking happily at Harry. Ron's mother and father had their hands resting on Harry and Ron's shoulders, and were gazing down at them both lovingly. At Harry's other side was Ginny, Fred, George, and Percy. Next to Ron was Hermione and two older boys Harry supposed were Charlie and Bill.

With a groan, Ron came forward. "What's so special about that? Just come by the Burrow some time and you can see all of us when- oi, Harry, what are you on about? This isn't our family, it's me and you! We're prefects! You're head boy and I'm quidditch captain! And we're holding the House Cup together! All the professors are clapping for us, even Snape!"

"Huh?" Harry said, frowning. "Weird. Let's get Fred, George and Percy here." Hermione had gone home for the holidays, and was thus sadly excluded.

Despite the late hour, Fred and George were more than eager to come see a magic mirror, saying it would be a brilliant prank. Percy grudgingly agreed to go along, to "Keep you lot out of trouble."

As it turned out, the mirror showed something different for everyone. Fred and George saw themselves as successful businessmen together, having opened their own joke shop.

Percy said he saw himself shaking hands with their father as he presented Percy with an Order of Merlin, First class. "Father's Minister, and I'm his special deputy!" Percy gushed. "We're successful, respected, and rich!"

Suddenly, Percy frowned and glanced down at the bottom of the mirror. "Harry, Ron, did you read the inscription?"

The two youngest boys looked down, then shrugged. "Yeah, but it's just a bunch of nonsense," Harry said.

"Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi," Ron read. "It's gibberish Perse."

Percy shook his head. "No, it's not. Think you two, it's a mirror. How does one read something in a mirror?"

Fred and George chuckled. "Oh, we get it."

"Nice Percy, I suppose you're not a total waste of space all the time."

Percy cuffed the twins upside the back of their heads. "Knock it off. Let Ron and Harry think. They can figure it out."

"How to read something in a mirror," Harry wondered aloud. He snapped his fingers. "It's backwards!"

Slowly, Ron nodded. "Yeah...but the spaces are all weird. Let's see...I show not your face but your hearts desire. So, what? Harry wants a big family, I want the two of us to be brilliant, Fred and George want to have their own joke shop, and you want dad to think you're something special?"

"Well, yes, though I wouldn't put it that way," Percy spluttered.

Harry went over and gave Percy a big hug. "I think you're special Percy. You're the best big brother anyone could ask for."

"Oi, Harrykins, what are we, chopped liver?" Fred demanded.

George shook his head sadly. "Kids these days. No respect for their elders. Ow! Knock it off, Percy!" The twins glared at Percy as they rubbed the back of their heads.

"I'm exercising my right as the oldest present to keep two of you in line," Percy growled, though his heart wasn't in it. Privately, he felt rather touched that Harry had singled him out for a display of affection like that. As the middle child, he'd always felt rather alone and out of sorts compared with his brothers, but that was starting to change now that Harry was a part of the family.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/

On Christmas morning, Harry got up early. Not because he expected any particularly nice presents himself, he had a running record of nothing but disappointments with the Dursleys, but because he wanted to see his brothers reaction when they opened their gifts. He'd written Ginny about what to get her and her brothers quietly, and had Professor McGonagall help him order things by owl post. To Harry's delight though, the tree contained several packages addressed to him.

"Merry Christmas!" Harry shouted, banging on Percy's door. "Come on Perse, there's presents out here in the common room for all of us!"

Fred and George exploded from their room, sliding down the bannister and tackling Harry so that they all landed in a heap at the bottom. "Merry Christmas to all!" they shouted, and immediately began wrestling Harry and Ron, who had jumped in with a bellow of glee.

"Alright, alright," Percy grumbled as he made his way out. "Don't kill each other yet, you've at least got to die in your jumpers if it's Christmas."

Fred and George immediately stood and saluted, grim expressions on their faces. "It will be our privilege to die in the uniform of a Weasley."

Rolling his eyes, Percy slumped down by the tree. "Just so long as you do so quietly. Right, you know the rules. Youngest first. Harry, when's your birthday?"

"July 31st," Harry said.

"You're first then." Percy grabbed rumpled package with Harry's name on it and tossed it to him. "Merry Christmas Harry."

Harry tore into the wrapping paper, and discovered an emerald woolen jumper with a yellow "H" on it.

"It's official, you're part of the family now," Percy said, rubbing Harry's head. "Come on, put it on already. Ron, you're next."

While Harry was delighted to receive a personalized jumper, Ron was slightly less enthused. "She makes them every year," Ron told Harry. "Hope you like knitted jumpers."

"I love them," Harry vowed.

Fred and George immediately swapped their own jumpers, and once again started referring to themselves in the third person as Gred and Feorge.

"Do it properly or I'm not letting you open any presents," Percy ordered.

Miraculously, Fred and George suddenly remembered who they were and changed back.

The rest of the presents were just as good. Harry got more chocolate frogs from Ron, and eagerly added Morgana to his growing collection of cards. Percy gave him a very nice set of quill trimming supplies. Fred and George had procured some fireworks of questionable legality, and promised to show Harry how to set them off on the astronomy tower at New Years. Ginny sent Harry a stuffed bear with a lightning scar on its forehead she knitted and had dubbed, "Beary Potter."

"How did she know? Who told her?" Harry wondered aloud.

"She's just obsessed with some bloke called Harry Potter," Fred explained.

George nodded seriously. "Yeah, he's the Boy-Who-Lived or some rot like that."

"Never head much truck with it personally."

"Too right. Any idiot with a title like that would be an absolute moron."

"And that scar. So ugly."

"Definitely. Scars are overdone these days."

"Be nice you two, it's Christmas," Percy ordered.

The twins did their best to look innocent, but mostly managed maudlin. "But Percy, we were just explaining to Harry Weasley here what a git that chap Harry Potter is."

"I'm warning you, I can still report you on Christmas you know."

"To mum or McGonagall?"

"Both."

"Now that just isn't fair."

Hermione had sent Harry "Quidditch Through the Ages" which he was tempted to sit down and start reading right away. Finally, Harry got a rather strange looking cloak.

"My God," George breathed.

"The Holy Grail," Fred muttered, gazing at the cloak longingly.

"What?" Harry said as he wrapped the cloak about him and disappeared. "It's just some ratty old cloak."

"Just some ratty old invisibility cloak you mean!" Ron said, his eyes bulging. "Harry, that's amazing!"

"You have to let us borrow it," Fred pleaded.

"We'll do anything. Be your slaves."

"Give you our sister's hand in marriage."

"Though that one sort of goes without saying."

The twins glanced at Percy, who just shrugged. "That one's up to Ginny. As far as the cloak goes, just be careful, Harry. And tell me if you lend it to the twins, that way I'll know to to properly blame for any mayhem that follows."

When it came time for the others to open their own gifts, Harry could hardly contain himself. For Ron, he'd gotten a very nice, brand new wizards chess set to replace to old tatty one Ron had been using to teach Harry to play. The pieces were red sandstone and white marble, with gemstones set tastefully where the eyes of the lifelike figure should be.

"Harry, this is too much," Ron breathed, stroking the pieces delicately. "I thought you said you never got anything but hand me downs. How could you afford this?"

"Apparently the Potters left me a rather large inheritance. Since you adopted me, I figured it was only right that I spend it on you lot."

"But-"Ron protested, but Percy put a hand on his younger brother's shoulder.

"It's alright Ron. It's not charity of it's family." Percy smiled at Harry, holding up new set of monogrammed parchment and golden tipped eagle quills. "Thanks, Harry."

"Cheers!" Fred and George said, their new Groucho Marx glasses firmly in place. Harry had gotten each of them an entire arsenal of muggle pranking supplies. "With this, we'll cause enough mayhem to rival the Marauders in their prime!"

"The who?" Harry asked, confused.

"We'll show you," the twins promised. "Some other time."

The rest of the day was spent in an excellent snowball fight, capped off by a delicious feast with the Hogwarts staff members and few remaining students.

"Merry Christmas, Weasleys," Percy said as they headed up to bed.

Harry grinned, a soothing warmth spreading up from his heart to the rest of his body. He really had found a family of heroes.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/

 _Dear Harry,_

 _Thank you for the lovely broom! How did you know!? I suppose I've talked about quidditch often enough in my letters. Mum was very pleased (though a little shocked) to receive the very nice charm necklace. She's still counting all the little kids on it, not sure if there should be six or seven little boys on it, which I find hilarious. Dad was tickled pink to get the model airplane kit, and has been giggling to himself as he assembles it all morning. Charlie was very happy to get a signed snitch by the entire English Quidditch team (how did you manage that?!)_

 _Romania is lovely, but what I'm really looking forward to is meeting you and Hermione properly. I hope you like your christmas present. By the way, have you met Harry Potter? I confess, I have a bit of a crush on him. Mum and dad used to tell me stories, and I always dreamed I'd marry him one day and be his princess while we battled dark lords together._

 _Love,_

 _Ginny._

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

 _Dear Ginny_

 _I think I may have heard of this Harry Potter chap. Everyone seems to keep getting his name wrong and confusing me for him though._

 _Love,_

 _Harry Weasley_

/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\

 _Authors Note:_

 _Due to popular demand, I have decided to go ahead and continue the story as long as I continue to enjoy writing a screwball comedy._

 _Interestingly enough, I've had some people tell me to show all the stations of the canon, and I've had others say they don't want anything to do with canon._


	3. Chp 3: The Plot Arrives

_Chapter 3: The Plot Arrives_

The Weasley twins' dorm had been converted into a prankster's paradise, with the supplies Harry had given them strewn about the room. Various schemes had been drawn on parchment and nailed to the wall, everything from Mrs. Norris the caretaker's cat locked in a barrel and thrown in the lake, to enchanting the hallways floors so that they became frictionless. Beneath their pillow fort (which explained how half the pillows in Gryffindor house had gone missing) Fred and George had dragged Harry and Ron, where they were showing off their prized possession.

"This," George said, flourishing a blank piece of parchment. "Is the Marauder's map."

Fred nodded Siriusly. "It's the secret to our success."

"It's blank," Harry said helpfully.

Ron eyed his older brothers skeptically. "Have you two finally gone mental?"

"It's only blank to those of clean minds and innocent hearts," George explained.

"Too right. Which means we have to properly corrupt the two of you before you can make any use of it."

"Exactly. To be able to partake of this ancient and most sacred document, you must first prove yourselves as real Weasley pranksters."

"Well, there was that one time where we tricked McGonagall into making Ron seeker," Harry mused.

Fred and George sighed. "Look, that doesn't count, because it was mostly an accident."

"Exactly; not a proper prank at all."

"Therefore, you need to do something really brilliant to prove yourselves worthy of the map."

"So we have a mission for you: find out how to get into the 3rd floor corridor on the left hand side."

"Isn't that the place the headmaster said was off limits unless we wanted to die a most horrible and painful death?" Ron asked.

"Well of course! That's how we know it's got to have something absolutely brilliant in it."

Harry and Ron both considered their older brothers words, and decided that this perhaps made just the right kind of twisted sense for them to investigate.

"Ooo, Harry, why are you doing this?" Hermione demanded as they made their way through the castle after curfew with the invisibility cloak over the three of them.

"Shhhh," Harry said. "The cloak isn't sound proof."

"You didn't have to come along you know," Ron whispered. "You can always just go back."

"Someone has to keep an eye on you two morons," Hermione hissed. "And Ginny said I had to keep the two of you from killing yourselves."

"Admit it, you're just as curious as we are," Harry teased.

Ron elbowed both of them. "Shh, someone's coming!"

Professor Quirrell was sneaking through the corridors as well it seemed. Far from his usual timid self, he was stalking forward, limping slightly and carrying a magical harp.

"What is he doing?" Harry whispered.

"Don't know, let's follow him," Ron said.

"He's a teacher, he's probably allowed to do what he's doing," Hermione insisted.

Quirrel peered around to make sure no one was watching, causing Harry's scar to ache, but he didn't seem to notice them thankfully. With a whispered spell, Quirrell opened the forbidden door and stepped inside, closing the door behind him. After a moment, faint tones of music began to waft out of the room. The trio crept forward, putting their ears to the door.

"See master, we have succeeded! Soon the stone will be ours, and we can destroy that damnable Harry Potter and his Weasley friends once and for all!"

"Be quiet fool! Hurry, this cannot be the only defense that doddering old man has placed here."

"Yes, master, of course master, I shall do it at once master."

"Then quit talking about it and get on with it you simpering fool!"

The three friends pulled back. "He's talking about getting whatever is in there and using it to hurt Harry!" Hermione gasped.

Ron paled. "And us too, don't forget."

"We've got to stop him!" Harry gasped.

Hermione nodded. "Yes, let's go and do the sensible thing, and tell an adult."

Of course, instead, Harry and Ron ran off to go get Fred and George.

"Quirrell's snuck in there?"

"And he wants to steal the treasure and use it to hurt Ickle Harrykins?"

"Right this calls for extreme measures."

"Too right brother mine. Let's get the really big fireworks."

"Shouldn't we tell Professor Dumbledore?" Hermione asked.

Fred and George shrugged. "He's probably too busy or something. Besides, Quirrell's not only a blithering idiot and a coward, he's apparently mad as a hatter and talks to himself. We can handle him."

As so the five Gryffindors raced back through the darkened corridors, Hermione berating them all the while.

"Stop! No students out of bed at this time!" A voice ordered, shining a light in the eyes of the five Weasley's. Then it groaned. "Oh bloody hell, what are you lot doing now? Hermione, I thought you had more sense than this."

"Sorry Percy, I tried to get them to stop, but once they found out Quirrel threatened to kill Harry and the rest of your brothers and possibly me, there was no talking sense into them."

Percy lowered his light and blinked. "Quirrel threatened to kill Harry?"

"Yes, he's snuck into the third floor corridor on the left hand side and claims there's a weapon or something there called the Stone that he'll use to destroy the Weasley family," Ron explained.

Percy stiffened. "Right then. As a prefect, it's my duty to get to the bottom of this and prevent Professor Quirrell from ever hurting any of my family members. Even if they are adopted or honorary."

"Shouldn't we really get an adult for this?" Hermione whined.

"Relax kiddo," George said.

"Percy's a prefect. He's practically an adult."

"Or at the very least, adulterated."

"Sod off you two before I change my mind. Come on."

Percy led the way back to the forbidden door, which swung open with no resistance. Inside, a golden harp was playing itself as a three headed dog snored, an open trap door at it's feet."

"Hmm, a cerberus eh?" Percy mused. "Those can be dangerous. Right, everyone down the trapdoor. Fred, George, you first."

The twins complied, followed by the firsties. Percy came last, keeping his wand pointed at the harp so that it continued playing.

"Oi, Percy, look at this!" Fred called, batting away a probing vine with his glowing wand.

Fred eagerly conjured a flaming brand and started hacking at the vines, which retreated from the light and heat. "It's devil's snare! We've always wanted one of those."

"Well take a cutting if you must then hurry it up, we're moving on," Percy declared as he led the others further on. Ahead they could hear the rustling of a thousand tiny wings.

"Wow, look at that," Harry cried, pointing to the hundreds of keys flitting about the room. "What do you suppose those are for?"

"For opening something, obviously," Hermione sniffed.

"Hmm. Probably that door there," Percy said, indicating the locked door at the far end of the room. "Think Quirrel figured this out, or did he just go home and give it up as a bad job?"

"Well I think at the very least we should see for ourselves," Harry said, eyeing brooms in the far corner. "Oi, Ron, want to have a seeker off? We catch the keys and try them in the door, see which is the right one?"

"Well it's got to be one that's already been tried in the door if Quirrel made it through," Percy observed. "Look for one that seems like it's been handled recently."

Harry and Ron both hopped on brooms, and began zooming about the room. Harry's keen eye was the first to spot the key that was wobbling in its flight, and with a cry and raced after it. Ron wasn't far behind them though, and the two looped and spun through the air, trying to cut the other off from the key.

"If you two are quite finished would you please hurry up?" Percy called.

Triumphantly, Harry snatched the key out of the air and landed, handing it over. Percy tried it in the door, and it opened.

"This stuff is going to be great," Fred and Geoge giggled as they came up behind them, each holding a potted plant that was writhing and grasping in the dim light.

"Looks like Quirrell did come through here," Harry observed, pointing to the unconscious troll in the corner.

"Best hurry then, don't want that thing coming to life," Percy ordered, and the group scurried through to the other side where they found a giant chess set.

"We must have to beat it," Ron observed. "But we're missing three pieces."

"That's OK Ronniekins," George said happily. "Us older chaps will substitute, and you can be the commander. You always beat us at chess anyway."

Percy was unenthusiastic about being assigned as a bishop, but complied. Fred and George seemed to think the whole thing was great fun, though they argued over who got to be the knight.

"Just bloody pick one of you so we can get started," Ron grumbled.

"Well, since I'm the knight, I think you should open with-" Fred began, but Percy glared at him

"Stuff it and let Ron play. You're both rubbish at chess and you know it."

Ron played a brilliant game, though in the end he was forced to sacrifice Fred to win. He did so somewhat gleefully, and though Fred loudly complained that it wasn't fair, he trotted over and allowed the queen to smash him with her sword, and then Percy put the king in checkmate. The game over, Percy hastily hurried over to Fred, who was lying in a pool of blood. Ron rushed to his fallen brothers side, his face pale.

"Oh Merlin, I didn't mean to actually kill him," Ron gasped. "Percy, you've got to help him!"

George came over and solemnly shook his head. "It's too late. He's gone. I can tell through our mystical twin connection."

Ron let out a strangled sob, and Harry hugged Hermione, who had started crying.

Frowning, Percy stuck a finger into the blood, then touched it to his lips. He then stood up and kicked Fred, hard. "Get up, this is strawberry."

"Ow! You could at least act like you're mourning me!" Fred protested, then lay back down and stuck his tongue out, making a strangled gagging sound.

"You git!" Ron shrieked, then jumped on Fred and hugged him.

"Oof! Gerrof me, I'm fine you little monster! Honestly, I've been hit with a bludger harder than that loads of times."

Continuing on, they found a room full of various vials of potions, and the exit guarded by ominous purple flames.

Searching the room, Hermione found a bit of parchment and read it. "It's a riddle, we have to solve it to move forward."

Percy hurried over, and soon the two of them were talking animatedly about how to solve the riddle and move forward.

"Oi, George, you think we could just put this fire out?" Fred asked.

George studied it then nodded. "Probably. Looks like alchemical fire. Wonder how it reacts to muggle flame retardant foam?" From within their pockets, Fred and George pulled out two full sized muggle fire extinguishers.

"Where did you get those?" Ron asked.

"How did they ever fit in your pockets?" Harry wondered.

"Well, we got Lee Jordan to knick them for us because we wanted to use them to fill the prefects bathroom with muggle foam the next time Percy was taking one of his hour long showers," Fred said.

"And as to how they fit in our pockets, obviously we used magic."

As it turned out, alchemical fire was no match for the power of twin muggle fire extinguishers.

"And I'd just figured it out too," Hermione lamented as the fire was doused.

"Hurry up," Fred and George called. "It will probably come back on."

Past the flames they found Professor Quirrell pacing in front of the magical mirror they'd found around Christmas. He spun to face them, his face contorting with rage.

"You! And your little allies. You fools have come to your doom, I shall-"

"Bored now," Fred and George proclaimed, and set off their fireworks which started shrieking around the room.

"You fools, you know not with which you meddle!" Quirrel shrieked, then pointed his wand at Harry. " _Crucio_!"

The next thing Harry knew, he was on the floor and Percy was writhing in agony on top of him. The fireworks exploded, shattering the mirror and sending shards of glass everywhere. In the chaos, Hermione managed to keep her head and point her wand at their foe.

" _Petrificus Totalus!"_

Quirrel batted the spell aside, sneering, but Percy groaned and rolled off of Harry. Fred and George charged in, firing off spells and trying to get confuse the DADA professor.

"Behind you, moron!" the back of Quirrell's turban hissed.

"That's not normal," Ron muttered, then dived after Quirrel himself, hitting him with a stinging hex.

"Off! Off of me, you brat!" Quirrell kicked at Ron, and Harry leapt forward, grabbing onto the professors leg to get him to stop.

"Arrrgghhh!" Quirrel shrieked, as smoke rose from robes where Harry had grabbed him.

"You leave my brother's alone," Percy snarled, and raised his wand. " _Reducto_!"

Quirrell's turban exploded, and he spun around in panic, revealing a horrific face on the back of his head.

"Foolish children! You have cost me the stone, and for that you must die!" the face hissed.

Looking at his hands, Harry made a decision. He punched the ugly thing right on the nose, causing it to hiss in agony. "Baster, I bink be bosing," Quirrell said, holding his nose which had turned to stone.

"Silence you fool! Bah, you children are not worth it anyway. I shall have the stone, and with it, the world!"

"I bought be bus baking ober Bagical Britain?" Quirrell said as he rose into the air, black mist swirling around him.

"Well, yes, obviously, that first. BUT THEN THE WORLD!" With a flash of green light, Quirrell vanished.

Harry sat down hard, and looked over at Ron, who had acquired a black eye. "Everyone alright?"

There was a chorus of agreement, though Percy groaned a bit.

"Say, Harry," George said aloud. "You mentioned something about a stone Quirrell wanted, right?"

"Yes," Harry said, looking around the room. "But I think it might not even be here."

George pulled out a glowing red stone from his pocket. "Well, funny thing is, Fred slipped it into my pocket when I looked it the mirror."

"Did not!" Fred protested, scrambling over to examine the stone. "I would have nicked it for myself and told you later."

"But I saw you do it while I was looking in the mirror wondering how we were going to keep Turban Head there from getting it!"

"You're lying!" The twins began to slap at each other and say various things that made Harry's ears burn.

"Knock it off you two," Percy said, coming over and seizing the stone. "This is important. Someone in charge should be responsible for this."

"What, like you?"

"You're just a prefect, not the bloody minister."

"Is no one else going to talk about the fact that we apparently just assaulted a professor who is apparently possessed by an evil ghost?" Hermione demanded.

That brought the arguing boys up short.

"On second thought, maybe we should discuss this somewhere else," Percy allowed.

They all managed to scramble back out of the various traps, though Percy had to point his wand back at the magical hard to get it to resume playing so they could sneak past the Cerberus.

"Here, you three take this and get under the cloak," Percy ordered, handing the stone to Hermione who tucked it into her pocket.

"Oi, I see a light, someone's coming!" Fred hissed.

Harry, Ron and Hermione scrambled under the cloak, and Percy grabbed his twin brothers by the ears and said loudly, "I thought I heard you two sneaking out of the common room! Trespassing in the forbidden corridor are you? That's it, I'm going to have to tell- oh, Headmaster Dumbledore, Professor Snape, Professor McGonagall. Just the people I was looking for. These two miscreants have-"

"We'll deal with that later, Percival," Dumbledore said grimly as he pushed Percy aside. "Get back to the dormitories immediately, and do not leave until morning."

Percy blinked as the four adults hurried into the room, then let go of Fred and George's ears. "Right, come on you lot, fast as you can back to the dorms."

There was a mad scramble, and six pairs of feet pattered off towards Gryffindor tower.

"Blast, we left the Devil's snare behind," Fred grumbled as they ran.

"Who cares, I think we may actually get away with this," George laughed. "This is the prank of the century. Harry, Ron, Hermione, even you Percy. You're officially Marauders now."

Percy groaned and shook his head. "Less talk, more running."

\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

As he looked at the sleeping cerberus, Dumbledore felt a sense of panic set in. Quirrell had been given hours to get past all the defenses, and could have possibly even have fled with the stone by now. He lead the way past the devastated Devil's snare, the fluttering keys, and to the troll that was just waking up. With a flick of his wand, Dumbledore turned it into a chicken, and continued forward. The chess game barred the way, but with a wave of her wand Minerva convinced the black pieces to go through the fool's mate, making the game short and sweet. The fire's Snape had conjured had been extinguished, and Dumbledore feared the worst.

"There is only one wizard powerful enough to banish my flames," Snape declared, peering towards the mirror chamber. "We may be too late already."

"You-Know-Who, here?" McGonagall gasped.

Dumbledore gave her a grim nod. "We must prepare for battle. Be ready for anything."

Preparing himself, Dumbledore stepped forward into the chamber. He blinked. He had not been ready for this. Blast marks scorched the wall, and two pots of devil's snare stood by the entrance, though the shoots were so small they couldn't have done much. The mirror itself was destroyed, but Dumbledore felt his apprehension rise.

Striding forward, Dumbledore checked the mirror and felt his blood run cold. "No," he whispered. "The stone is gone."

"You said no one who intended to use the stone could ever retrieve it," Snape snarled.

"Voldemort must have overcome it's defenses somehow, and destroyed the mirror in the process," Dumbledore declared. His face took on a grim expression. "We must prepare ourselves. He has returned."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

The next morning, everyone was ordered to assemble in the Great Hall.

"We're dead," Hermione moaned, clutching the stone in her pocket tightly. "They've figured it out, and what everyone to be there to punish us for stealing school property and trying to murder a professor."

"Hey, he tried to kill us first," Ron argued.

Harry shushed them both. "Be quiet! Maybe they haven't figured it out. Here, Hermione, take the invisibility cloak. Wrap the stone in it and if anything goes wrong, slip it on while we cover for you."

"But then we could get expelled!" Hermione wailed.

"Shhh!" her two friends hissed, looking around in panic to see if anyone was listening. Thankfully they were at the back of the group of Gryffindors, and everyone else was ignoring the antics of the Weasley Gang since there were no explosions taking place at that particular point in time.

They all sat down and waited for judgement. The professors were looking particularly grim this morning, especially the headmaster who had lost all of the twinkle from his eyes.

"Last night, a terrible tragedy took place at this school," Dumbledore began.

The Weasley's groaned, and Percy looked as though he might be ill.

"An artefact, kept here to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands, was stolen by Quirinius Quirrell, our Defense Against the Dark Arts professor."

"What?" six voices said, all sounding very surprised.

Dumbledore paused, frowning at the Weasley's, who looked even paler than usual. He cleared his throat and continued. "Quirrell was possessed by the most foul and dark of evil spirits, that of Lord Voldemort himself."

Percy let out a moan, and fainted. Fred and George turned green, and slumped in seats. Ron whimpered and hid his face in his hands, Harry fell out of his seat, and Hermione was at a loss for words for the first time in her life.

Ignoring the most inappropriate antics from the Weasleys, Dumbledore pressed on. "The artefact in question was the philosophers stone. With the stone in his possession, Lord Voldemort will now be able to create a new, powerful, immortal body for himself. I am afraid that we must all prepare ourselves for-"

"Excuse me sir," Hermione said in a trembling voice. She stood and raised her hand, as if she were in class and asking to be called on. Dumbledore ignored her.

"-we must all prepare ourselves for the coming war which-"

"Sir, we really need to talk to you," Ron said, standing on trembling legs next to Hermione.

"-which will try all of us. I have already owled the ministry so that-"

Harry stood next to his companions, his face as white as a sheet, save for his dark freckles. "Professor Dumbledore sir, this really can't wait."

Dumbledore's eyes flashed in anger, but he controlled himself and kept his tone even. "What is it, young man, that simply cannot wait?"

Hermione dug into her robes, handed the invisibility cloak to Harry, and held up the Philosopher's Stone.

"Please sir, is this the stone you were looking for?"

Dumbledore's mouth flopped open, and his eyes bugged straight out of his head. Snape stood up, his face white, but his eyes shining. McGonagall put a hand to her chest and let out a strangled cry. Flitwick fell straight out of his chair, landing on the floor with a thud.

Hagrid stood up, squinted, and nodded. "Yeah, that's the stone ya got there Hermione. Well, that's good news. Guess we can cancel that alert, eh Professor Dumbledore sir?"

"Sweet Merlin," George breathed.

"We've been out pranked by a girl," Fred groaned.

Percy stirred, raising his head. "Did I really hex Voldemort, or was that all just a dream?" he asked, rather loudly into the silence.

The hall erupted into pandemonium, though Dumbledore managed to summon the stone to his hand before things got too out of control. He stared at it, feeling slightly dazed. Then looked up at the Weasley Gang, who had been hoisted onto the shoulders of the Gryffindor students, who were parading them around the hall, cheering and shouting that they'd saved the day. For their part, the Weasley kids all look slightly baffled and stunned at the outcome, taking fearful glances at the head table.

Seeing that the other professors were out of commission, Hagrid stood and cupped his hands to his mouth. "QUIET!" he bellowed. The sound was so loud, that it bounced off the back of the great hall and knocked out a quiet young Hufflepuff, who claimed later to have permanently lost hearing in his left ear.

"Now, I'm sure yer all happy that You-Know-Who ain't comin' back an all," Hagrid half shouted. "But yer need to keep a head on yer shoulders. You lot sit down, so that the headmaster can properly decide wot ter do about all this then."

The very guilty looking Weasleys' all sat at the front of the Gryffindor table, while their compatriots in Gryffindor whispered congratulations and slapped them all on the back.

Collecting his thoughts, Dumbledore looked up finally. He raised the stone in a "cheers" gesture to the Gryffindor table. "One thousand points to the Weasley family and their honorary members, for saving all of magical britain. Each." He coughed, and lowered the stone. "Well, please enjoy breakfast, classes are canceled for the day while I sort this mess out."

Everyone, even the Slytherins, cheered at the mention of classes being canceled. The Gryffindor's broke out into a chant of "Weasleys Weasleys Weasleys!" Ron looked at Harry, wide eyed.

"I think we just won the house cup," he shouted over the commotion.

Harry grinned. "Dreams really do come true after all," he said, as Percy hugged him tightly and told Harry that they were never, ever going to do anything so reckless ever again, while Fred and George pounded his back and told him he was the best prankster of all time.

/\\\/\/\/\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

 _Dear Percival,_

 _I have received your letter, and that of the Headmaster. While the Ministry official stance is that you never confronted the Dark Lord or blocked a cruciatus curse for one of your brothers, the fact remains that you were incredibly brave and showed the utmost willingness to do the right thing even in a very sticky situation. Know that I am proud of you, son, and so is your mother. I have always known you struggled to find your place in the world, as you are far more studious and given to contemplation than your brothers or even your sister. Do not think that such traits have no value though. You have shown that you are capable of action when it is required, but that you still think through your decisions._

 _With love,_

 _Your father, Arthur Weasley_


	4. Chp 3: Maths are Hard

_Chapter 3: Maths are Hard_

After defeating the Dark Lord and swiping the legendary Philosopher's Stone out from under his nose, getting to play quidditch for the house team was a bit of a let down. Ron let Harry take over for the Hufflepuff game, which ended quickly in victory when Harry caught the snitch only 15 minutes in.

"That was brilliant!" Harry cheered as he hopped down off his broom.

Angelina and Katie frowned at him. "What a moment, aren't you Harry?"

"Obviously not, I've got Ron's broom here and I'm clearly a Weasley, what with my red hair and freckles," Harry protested.

Angelina rolled her eyes. "Harry, you're practically a Weasley already as far as everyone's concerned. You're not fooling anyone."

"Obviously I did, otherwise someone would have noticed I was playing instead of Ron before the game was over."

"Shut it, all of you," Oliver ordered, coming over and giving Harry a big hug. He had tears on his cheeks. "If he say's he's Ron Weasley then he's bloody well Ron Weasley. I'm not having any of you ruin this moment."

"All I did was catch the snitch," Harry protested.

Oliver looked at Harry like he was bonkers. "That's only the most important thing in the world. And you waited until we were 30 points up! We'll have that cup yet."

Then Ron came over and swapped places with Harry, so that when the cheering crowd descended they really did think it had been Ron up there the whole time.

"Next time it's your turn again," Harry promised.

Ron grinned and winked. "You know, I don't think even Fred and George could pull a prank this brilliant off."

In the final game of the season, Ron flew much more confidently. Though he didn't catch the snitch, he managed to distract Cho Chang the Ravenclaw seeker long enough that Gryffindor lost by only 30 points, leading to their victory in the Quidditch Cup as they had scored the most points overall. He grinned happily as he held up the trophy for the Daily Prophet photo op along with Harry.

"Now we just need to open a joke shop for Fred and George and everyone's dream will have come true," Harry said as they made their way up to the common room for the party.

"I wonder what Hermione's dream is," Ron pondered.

Hermione sighed. "A quiet, peaceful day, where nothing goes wrong or explodes and everyone does their homework."

"We really need to get you a new dream," Ron said.

Harry nodded his agreement. "That one's really boring. What about becoming a princess or head girl or something?"

Hermione rolled her eyes and huffed. "Considering who I keep company with, I think none of those things are likely."

"Well, Bill was head boy," Ron pointed out. "Maybe it runs in the family. You'd be the first Weasley head girl in at least seven generations."

"I'm only an honorary Weasley, Ron," Hermione lectured. "Maybe Ginny can be the first head girl."

"Nah, she'll be quidditch captain for sure," Harry declared.

Ron looked at him as if he were mental. "But Ginny doesn't even play quidditch."

"Shows what you know. She says she's a better flier than any of us except maybe Charlie."

"Yeah, right. I'll believe that when I bloody well see it."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/

The end of term arrived, and Harry felt an increasing sense of sadness as he packed his trunk. "I'll really miss you over the holidays," Harry told Ron, Fred, and George, who were all helping pack up for the train.

"Why?" George asked, shutting the lid to Harry's trunk.

"Well, obviously because I've got to go back and live with my horrible relatives and you all go get to live in the together," Harry said, slowly as if explaining something to a simpleton.

"And why on earth would you do that?" Fred demanded.

Harry blinked. "Because I live with my relatives, and they're my legal guardians?"

Ron shrugged. "Well obviously, but they're a bunch of rotter's from what you've said. So why do you want to go live with them?"

Harry looked at the other three with a growing sense of suspicion. "I don't want to live with them, I think you know that."

"Right, so it's settled then. You'll just have to come back to the Burrow with us," Fred declared.

George slapped Harry on the back. "Don't forget, we've been working on mum since the start of term."

"We've written about you and referred to you as a Weasley so much I'd be surprised if she doesn't call Ron here Harry the first time she see's him," Fred agreed.

Ron grinned and winked. "I told you, we Weasley's stick together. Just follow our lead. We've been bamboozling mum for ages."

"Too right, it's dad we've got to worry about."

"And once mum hears your sob story there's no way she's letting you go."

"Personally, I half suspect she adopted half of us."

"Percy for sure; he's obviously from a different egg if you know what I mean. Ow!"

Both twins rubbed the back of their heads and glared at Percy, who had just come up the stairs. "All finished everyone?"

"Yes," Harry agreed, studying Percy carefully. "Are you in on the plan?"

"What plan?" Percy asked, looking at Fred and George suspiciously. "Are you two going to try and smuggle home that devil's snare that Professor Dumbledore's been keeping in his office?"

"No, Professor Sprout caught us with it and nicked it."

"The plan to smuggle me into the Burrow," Harry explained.

Percy shrugged. "It's hardly smuggling to make sure my newest kid brother ends up where he belongs. Oof! Not so tight Harry! Your arms are quite strong after all that quidditch practice, no need to hug me to death. And please, try not to cry on my robes, I want them to look nice when mother sees me."

On the ride back, Percy gave everyone their marching orders. "Now, Ginny's in on this too. She's to call you Ron, Harry, and Ron will be referred to as Percy. I'm going to Charlie and Bill both. If she calls anyone but Harry, Harry, respond and act as though she said your proper name. Fred and George, you're confusing enough for everyone else as it is and can go by your proper names."

"Right, we'll be Gred and Feorge then."

"Don't over complicate things," Percy told them, looking a bit annoyed.

"Are you sure this is legal?" Hermione asked. "I think it might constitute kidnapping."

"It's only kidnapping if you get caught," Fred explained.

Hermione frowned, but decided to refrain from arguing. Harry had mentioned in passing just how horrid his relatives were, and frankly she was a bit relieved he wasn't going back to a potentially abusive home.

When they got off at the train station, Ginny ran up and gave Harry a hug. "I've missed you so much Ron," she said quite loudly.

Several passing students eyed the Weasley family suspiciously, especially since Harry was being called Ron by the female of the species. However, Hermione Granger, who was rumored to have successfully exploded a troll and had tricked You-Know-Who himself into giving her the Philosopher's Stone, was glaring around at anyone who might have contradicted Ginny, so everyone wisely went on their ways.

"Come on Percy," Percy said to Ron. "Take your trunk."

"Hi mum, we're Gred and Feorge," the twins said cheerily.

"Oh stop it you two," Mrs. Weasley said, hugging them both tightly. Next she kissed Harry on the cheek. "Welcome home Ron." Then she moved on, but paused just as she was about to kiss the real Ron, a frown on her face.

"Aren't you going to kiss Percy too?" the twins asked, grinning from ear to ear.

Shaking her head, Molly did kiss Ron. "Stop it, I know this is Ron, stop being so silly you two. No more pranks, I've been at work all day making us a lovely dinner for when your father gets home."

Everyone grabbed the trunks, and Harry kept his head down as they walked out of King's Cross station to the curb where they would be catching the wizarding Knight Bus. He saw the Dursley's waiting for him, and waved to them merrily as he went by. His uncle glared at him, until he saw Harry pile into the Weasley's car with the rest of the brood.

"Well, good riddance anyway," Vernon Dursley grumbled, starting his car and driving away without a second thought as to where his nephew was going.

Percy ended up being the one who drove (Harry wondered privately if that was strictly legal, but since he was the one being kidnapped he decided it was best not to mention it).

Fred, George, Ginny, and Ron kept up a running row that had their mother all in a tizzy, while Harry quietly sat in the back seat and made himself as unobtrusive as possible.

"Ronald, stop bickering with your sister! Honestly, it's the first time in a month you've seen her! Ginny, you had the window on the way here let Ron have it."

"But mum, that's Harry," Fred corrected.

"Oh, sorry, Harry," Mrs. Weasley said absently. "Percy, watch where you're going! You nearly hit that poor old muggle woman!"

"Mum, maybe I should just engage the invisibility cloak and fly us away? Traffic's going to be dreadful and I've only practiced a few times."

"No, no, we don't want to stick out," Mrs. Weasley said. "Fred! George! Put those wands away! You're not at school anymore, and if you do anything reckless while we're in muggle London your father will never hear the end of it at work. Eck! Ronald, put this rat away!"

Harry reached forward and took Scabbers, ducking his head as he did so. "Yes mum."

"Thank you, Ronald," Mrs. Weasley said. "Oh! Percy! That bus nearly hit us! You're giving me a heart attack. No, turn left here, you're in the wrong lane."

"You could always drive yourself you know," Percy grumbled. "This isn't as easy as it looks."

"Oh, sorry dear. I just worry with all your siblings you know. You're really a much better driver than I am, can't understand these muggle contraptions."

"Too right, Bill here is always sticking his nose where it doesn't belong," George said.

Mrs. Weasley glared at him in the mirror. "Fred Weasley! You're doing that on purpose, trying to get me mixed on the names."

"Well woman, if you could tell the difference between me and Fred maybe I wouldn't feel so abused," George sulked.

"Oh, sorry George! Wait, you are George aren't you? Where's your mole?"

"I've got the mole, not George," Fred protested, showing his mole free neck. "See?"

A double decker bus honked loudly at Percy as he darted in front of it, running a red light.

"That's it, I'm turning on the invisibility cloak," Percy declared. "These muggles are all mad and I don't know how to drive properly."

"Oh, Percy don't be like that, you're doing a wonderful job. No, not this way, that's back where we came from!"

"Sod it," Percy grumbled, and turned on the invisibility cloak and drove the car up onto the roof tops. "Don't say a word, I'll land once we get out of the city and there isn't so much traffic."

Despite Percy's rather inexpert driving and Mrs. Weasley's even more inexpert advice, everyone arrived at home safe and sound. Harry immediately hurried inside after Ron while Percy and Ginny distracted Mrs. Weasley by arguing over Percy's driving.

"Do you think she'll get suspicious? You lot are fighting constantly," Harry whispered as they made their way upstairs.

Ron frowned. "What? No, Ginny wasn't even pretending about that last one; she really is mad that Percy hit a rabbit and wouldn't go back to see if it was alright."

"What about you and Fred and George fighting over the window seat?"

"Oh, we do that all the time, those hogs never let me have a turn. Listen, don't worry: If anything mum will get suspicious because you're not fighting with anyone."

"Weird," Harry muttered.

Once everything was stowed away Mrs. Weasley ordered everyone outside, ostensibly so they could get some fresh air.

"She just wants a quiet cuppa before dinner," Percy explained to Harry. "It's best to let her have it. She get's really irritable if she doesn't."

"She seemed pretty irritated at you and Ginny for trying to yell each other's heads off," Harry observed.

Ginny snorted. "Honestly Harry, have you never argued with your brothers before? We were practically civil."

"I didn't have any brothers until recently," Harry pointed out.

"Well, we'll just have to make up for lost time won't me?" Fred and George said, then they both threw Harry in the duck pond.

"I'll bloody well drown you both!" Harry gasped as he struggled out of the pond, his hair mostly green now with pond scum. "You've ruined my trainers!"

"They didn't fit you anyway," Fred said, grabbing Harry's hands and lifting him off the ground when he futilely tried to dunk the older boy under the water.

George slipped the trainers off and handed Harry a used but clean pair. "Here, these are one of our old ones, not sure whose. They'll probably fit you better."

"I'm still miffed you threw me in the pond," Harry muttered, but he was happy enough to change into the new shoes, and Percy helpfully dried him off his wand, though the pond scum stayed.

About half an hour later, Mrs. Weasley ordered everyone back inside to get cleaned up for dinner.

"Bill, why were you swimming in the pond?" Mrs Weasley asked as Harry came inside. "And Harry, please wipe your shoes off when you come inside; this is a house, not a barn."

The last bit was directed at George, who grinned and wiped his shoes off. "Finally, someone gets my name right!"

Mrs. Weasley turned back to finish getting dinner ready. "Oh, sorry dear, I don't know where my mind is today."

Once he was freshly scrubbed, Ron loaned Harry a set of clothes, "I got them off of Percy last year anyway," and they all trouped down to dinner.

Just as they were sitting, the odd grandfather clock in the corner chimed and a balding man with a bit of a paunch stepped into the house.

"Good evening Weasleys!" He cried, holding his arms open wide.

"Good evening dad," everyone, including Harry, chorused. The other children rushed over to give their dad hugs, though Harry discreetly hung back and circled around while Mr. Weasley was shaking Percy's hand and telling him how proud he was that he'd faced down You-Know-Who to save his siblings.

They all sat at the table, and Mr. Weasley beamed around at them. "It is so good to have all of us home again! They house has been practically empty since you all left for skill with just Ginny, your mother and I, and it's good to have...the...eight? Of us?" Mr. Weasley paused, and did a quick head count. "Why are their eight of us?" He scanned the see of freckled, ginger faces, frowning and mouthing names as he counted. He skipped right over Harry, then did a double take and looked back, his eyes slightly crossed. "Who are you then?"

"That's Ron, dear," Mrs. Weasley said without looking up.

Mr Weasley glanced back and forth between Ron and Harry. "No, he's Ron. Who's that?"

"I'm Harry," Harry said helpfully.

Mrs Weasley nodded absently as she poured drinks for everyone. "Yes dear, that's Harry, of course, sorry love."

Taking a quick mental inventory, Mr. Weasley slowly shook his head. "Molly dear, I seem to recall that we have seven children."

"Of course," Molly agreed, sitting down and passing around the basket of bread rolls to the already eating children. "Bill, Charlie, Harry, Percy, Fred, George, Ron and Ginny. Bill and Charlie are gone of course so that leaves us with five."

"Dear, that's eight names, not seven," Mr. Weasley said, still frowning at Harry, who was eating as quickly as he could. This didn't seem to be all that out of the ordinary, as the rest of the brood was eating as if the food would be gone if they didn't hurry, which indeed it would. "And there are six children here, not five."

Finally focusing, Mrs. Weasley did a headcount of her own. George helpfully hid under the table as she did so. "No dear, that's five."

"Fred, get out from under the table while your mother is counting," Mr. Weasley ordered. "Right, everyone sound off. You."

"Percy."

"Fred."

"George."

"Ron."

"Ginny."

"Harry."

"That's it!" Mr. Weasley said, becoming excited as he jabbed a finger at Harry. "That's the one that doesn't belong. We don't have a Harry!"

Mrs. Weasley reviewed her own mental list of names, frowning. "I could have sworn there was a Harry."

"No dear, it's Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred, George, Ron, and Ginny. No Harry."

Pursing her lips, Mrs. Weasley studied Harry. "Where did you come from then dear?"

"Hogwarts," Harry said, slurping up his soup.

"We all did," Ron added.

Ginny elbowed him. "I didn't, in case you forgot!"

"Well, I meant us boys, you don't have to be-"

"Stop it!" Mr. Weasley clapped his hands. "Right, everyone, if you're a Weasley, stand up."

Everyone stood.

Mr. Weasley frowned. "Harry, sit down, you're not a Weasley."

All the children sat down.

"No, you lot stand up, Harry sits! He is not a Weasley!"

"He's adopted," Percy said seriously.

When all the other children nodded, Mrs. Weasley started to nod as well, then shook her head. "We've never adopted anyone! Harry, where are your parents?"

"I don't rightly know," Harry admitted.

George elbowed his mother. "He was sort of hoping you'd be his mum, seeing as how his original one is dead."

Maternal instincts, honed to a razor edge over the years, took over and Mrs. Weasley wrapped Harry in a warm embrace. "Oh, you poor dear! What happened to them?" As she hugged Harry, she stroked his hair, revealing a lightning shaped scar.

Mr. Weasley (and Ginny) gasped. "You're no Weasley!" Mr. Weasley declared. "You're a Potter! Harry Potter!"

"You didn't tell me you were that Harry!" Ginny squeaked, covering her mouth with her hands.

Mrs. Weasley let Harry go, and he flushed. "Well, I had heard that Harry Potter was a bit of a git, so I was in the market for a new name."

"So we gave him one!" Fred said happily. "Right, can we have pudding now that that's sorted out? Harry's a bit skinny you know."

Mr. Weasley shook his head firmly. "There will be no pudding until we sort this out. Harry, please, where do you belong? We've got to get you to your proper place."

"He belongs right here, dad," Ron declared, folding his arms across his chest. "His relatives are the worst kind of muggles. He told us all about it: they never even let him play quidditch."

"Ronald, that's because muggles don't have brooms, or even know what quidditch is," Mr. Weasley explained patiently.

Fred and George gasped in horror. "Barbarians! There's no way you could possibly send Harry back to such a uncivilized environment."

"Muggles are just as good as we are," Mr. Weasley said. "Even if they are a bit strange. Listen, Harry, I'm terribly sorry, this isn't the first time Molly has grabbed another unsuspecting red head and carried them along home. That poor muggle boy was so confused by the anti muggle charms it took us nearly three hours to figure out where he was supposed to be. But you look alright, surely you can tell us where you're staying? With your relatives I hope?"

"I lived in the cupboard at 4 Privet Drive," Harry admitted, deflating a bit. It looked like he wouldn't get to stay at all. "Thanks for the supper though, my aunt never feeds me this well."

"Oh, Arthur, he has to at least stay for pudding. We can take him home in the morning. Surely that would be alright?" Mrs. Weasley asked, her voice taking on a concerned tone.

Mr. Weasley hesitated, but one look at the pleading expressions on all six, no, wait, it was five, of his children, and he caved. "Well alright. But first thing in the morning, and Harry has to go back to his relatives. Then we can all have a nice family picnic in the country. No, that doesn't mean Harry's coming as well, even if he does have red hair. No, I don't care if the sorting Hat placed him in the 'Weasley' house, that isn't real."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\

As it turned out, nothing in the Weasley Burrow happened first thing in the morning. First, there was breakfast.

"Good morning Weasleys," Mr. Weasley said.

"Good morning," everyone, including Harry, said.

Mr. Weasley had to do another head count. "Oh, right, good morning Harry."

"Good morning," all the children replied.

"Stop that," Mr. Weasley said, though a smile was tugging at his lips.

After breakfast was the Daily Morning Shower Battle Royale.

"Ginny, get out of the shower it's my turn!" Percy hollered, banging on the door.

"No it's not, I've only had five minutes!"

"It's been fifteen! Oi, Fred, George, it's not your turn yet!"

"We have to go before you or you take all the hot water Princess Perse."

Ginny darted out of the shower, her wet hair in a towel on her head. "Eek!" she cried when Harry saw her, though she was fully dressed in her pajamas. Harry yawned, and snuck in while the others were fighting.

As soon as he shut the door though, everyone started yelling at him.

"It's my turn now," Harry shouted back as he stepped into the shower. "I still stink of pond scum!"

"That's just your feet you little monster, now get out before you use up all the hot water!"

"How do you run out of hot water if this place is run magically?" Harry demanded as he shampooed his hair.

There was silence for a moment. "How do we run out of hot water?" Fred (or maybe George's) voice asked.

"Obviously because the salamander in the water tank gets tired," Percy's voice explained. "Oi, Harry, hurry it up, it was my turn!"

Once the bathroom was sorted out, everyone helpfully took turns hiding Harry's possessions so that he couldn't leave just yet. First, Hedwig had somehow joined Errol in the tree out front, and had to be coaxed down. Then, Harry couldn't find his old trainers. When Percy fished them out of the pond, Mr Weasley declared that they were unfit for man nor beast, and that Harry could just borrow an old pair of Fred's (or possibly George's, no one was certain). After that, it was Ron's trunk that had Harry's belongings in it, which had to be repacked into Harry's trunk.

Then everyone got in the car, then got back out again when Ginny protested that she'd left her sunglasses inside. When it turned out Ginny did not, in fact, have sunglasses, they all got back in, then got back out again because everyone needed to go to the bathroom. They were just about out to the lane when Mrs. Weasley realized she'd forgotten the picnic basket, so they turned around, went back, got the picnic basket, and finally, they managed to leave.

"I think I've forgotten my wand," Ron announced.

"Good," his father declared. "Maybe you won't get up to as much trouble."

"Oh, never mind, Harry had it."

By the time they made their way to Little Whinging, it was nearly the end of lunchtime, and everyone was hungry and grumpy. Harry had joined in the row for the window seats, and had managed to get even Mr. Weasley flustered enough that he'd been called Bill, Fred, Ron, and even sometimes Harry.

"See? He's practically one of the family already!" Ron declared as they pulled into the perfectly ordinary street.

"Now look Harry, I'm certain your relatives are in right fit state because you never came home," Mr. Weasley began.

"Oh, I'm sure they're done celebrating they finally managed to lose me by now."

"-but it's very important we try not to make too much fuss. They are muggles, after all, and we wouldn't want the police to get involved."

"Honestly, I'd be surprised if they even kept my cupboard cleaned out."

Mr Weasley frowned, having a hard time telling if Harry was pulling his leg again, or being serious. "Right, the rest of you stay in the car, Harry, let's get your trunk from the boot."

With a heavy heart, Harry marched up the steps to 4 Privet Drive with Mr. Weasley next to him, his trunk behind him and Hedwig hooting in confusion; she'd rather thought she would get to stay in that lovely tree all day and sleep.

Mr. Weasley knocked, and when the door didn't immediately open, Harry turned right around. "Oh, well looks like no one's home, guess we'll just have to come back tomorrow."

But, then Uncle Vernon's voice yelled, "We don't want any!"

"Sir, I'm Arthur Weasley. I'm here with your nephew, Harry. I'm afraid there was a bit of a mix up."

There was a moment of silence. "I already said we don't want any!"

Mr Weasley smiled and laughed. "Ha, very funny sir, but I really do have your nephew. I'm sure you've been worried sick; he ended up with my own children by mistake, terribly sorry about that, but he's here now."

The door cracked open, and Uncle Vernon's piggy eyes peered out. "Well, if you took him, why don't you keep him? Your one of his kind, aren't you?"

"Well, I am also a red head yes, as are my children. That's where the mistake happened, we have five at home right now and I can tell you, sometimes they just seem to multiply! But we do want to make sure Harry's with his loving family."

"I was with a loving family," Harry grumbled.

The door shut, and there was a clicking sound as Uncle Vernon removed the chain. He opened the door and glared down at Harry. "Well, I suppose it was too much to hope we'd finally gotten rid of you at last."

"Sadly, no," Harry said. He sniffed, smelling the remains of lunch. "I'm hungry, I don't suppose you save me anything?"

"Of course not! And we put Dudder's things back in the smallest bedroom. The mat is still in your cupboard, so go lock yourself in there until supper. If I'm in a good mood, you might be allowed to eat after we're done, boy!"

Harry sighed and started to go in, when he found a hand blocking his way. He looked up to see Mr. Weasley's normally jovial expression darkened to one of oncoming thunder. When Mr. Weasley spoke, his voice was no longer soft and gentle, but commanding. "I'm sorry, but there seems to be some mistake. I've just brought home your nephew, who was missing for over a day, and you don't' seem at all relieved to see him."

"Why should I be? He's unnatural! Not normal at all. Now get inside boy, before the neighbors see!"

Once again, Harry's progress was impeded by a blocking hand. "Are you saying, sir, that you are going to deny Harry lunch instead of celebrating his return like the lost child he is, lock him in a cupboard, and only give him food if you are in the mood to do so?"

"Well, he'll get supper of course, I wouldn't starve the boy, but he'll have to work all the harder tomorrow because he missed the last two days of chores."

"Are you saying sir," Mr. Weasley said, though his voice was so loud now that it carried up and down the street, "That you think of your nephew, your own flesh and blood, as little more than a house elf who has to do chores to earn his keep?"

"He's no flesh and blood of mine," Vernon growled. "He's Petunia's sisters boy. And she was just as unnatural and not normal as he his. Now bloody well lower your voice and get out of here! House elves, honestly. Either take the boy since you seem so concerned about him, or shove off before I do call the police for you making a public nuisance of yourself!"

"I see." Mr. Weasley grabbed Harry's trunk. "There seems to have been some mistake. This isn't Harry's home at all. Come along, Harry."

Harry immediately turned around and followed Mr. Weasley, his heart hammering in his chest. He turned and looked behind him, but Uncle Vernon just snorted through his walrus mustache and slammed the door shut.

Mr. Weasley packed Harry's trunk back in the boot, put Harry back in the seat, and stuck his head in. "Fred, George, did you happen to bring that gnome I saw you trying to stuff in Percy's shirt when we were leaving?"

"Well, that depends dad," Fred said, looking slightly guilty (but only because he had been caught).

George held up a shaking bag. "What do you mean by 'that gnome.'"

"Because it could be singular."

"Or plural."

Mr Weasley nodded slowly. "How many?"

Fred and George peaked in the bag. "Four. Oh! One's pregnant, I think."

"Good. Let them loose in these muggles garden."

Fred and George both stuck their pinky fingers in their ears and rubbed vigorously, then took them out and examined the bit of earwax on them. "Sorry dad, could you repeat that, something must be wrong with our hearing."

"I said, let the gnomes loose. And hex their flowers so that they come up weeds while you're at it."

"I'll curse their car window so that it attracts bird droppings," Percy volunteered.

Molly got out and drew her own wand. "Oooh, just a moment Arthur, I'm going to fix their rakes so that they you can't see them until you get smacked in the face."

"Well alright, but put a time limit on it, I don't want to get called in because my own wife put a cursed artefact in a muggle lawn."

Harry blinked. "What are you doing?"

Fred and George grinned. "You see Harry, we weren't the first pranksters in the family-"

"-just the most recent-"

"-and the most talented."

Once the Dursley's property had been thoroughly hexed so that it would never again be mistaken for normal (Mr. Weasley had personally fixed the hedges so that they would always end up trimmed into odd shapes). Mr. Weasley took the car straight up into the air, only engaging the invisibility cloak once they had zoomed over the Dursley's house.

"Arthur!" Molly protested, paling. "The Statue!"

"Sorry, Mollywobbles, but that man was so hateful to Harry and wizards in general...I'm afraid I lost my temper."

Mr. Weasley coughed, then turned around and smiled at his newly expanded family. "So, how about that picnic then?"


	5. Chp 5: What kind of a color is ARRGG?

_Chapter 5: What kind of a color is ARRRGGGHHH anyway?_

Summer with the Weasley's turned out to be a lot more interesting than summer with the Dursley's, though there were some similarities. For example, the standing rule was "no magic in the house" along with, "no hexing your siblings." However, as Fred and George put it, "we view those as more like guidelines." Which they proved by enchanting Ginny's shoes to make gagging noises when she tried to put them on, protesting that her feet were too smelly. In response, Ginny demonstrated that she was quite good with Grandma Hettie's wand already by using the Bat-Boogey hex on her brothers. All this happened while everyone was still inside, which nearly gave Mrs. Weasley a conniption.

"ALL OF YOU OUT!" she roared as boogies flew about the house on slimey wings. "AND DON'T COME BACK IN UNTIL LUNCH TIME!"

"Come on, let's play quidditch," Ron suggested.

"Do we have enough brooms?" Harry asked, doing a mental count. "There are six of us."

"Oh, we've got enough brooms," Percy said. "But it can just be the four of you. Ginny and I aren't interested."

"Speak for yourself, Princess," Ginny said. She ran over to a shed and pulled out the Cleansweep 9 Harry had given her for Christmas. "Harry gave me my own broom."

Percy raised an eyebrow. "You're going to join the flying circus this lot will create?"

"I'm going to beat them all," Ginny vowed.

"Come on Percy, you, me and Ginny versus Ron and the twins," Harry suggested. "One keeper and two chasers on each team."

"You sure you want to do that, Harry?" Ron asked, smirking at Ginny. "I don't know that Gin-Gin even knows how to fly."

Before Ginny could get her wand out and hex Ron for his stupidity, Harry managed to calm her down. "Just trounce him and prove you're a better player," Harry suggested.

As it turned out, Ginny could in fact play quidditch. Percy, however, was hopeless. Harry was an excellent chaser as was Ginny, and together the two of them tore up the field, easily outmaneuvering Fred and George on their superior brooms. The twins were much more interested in causing mayhem than scoring points anyway, and found the entire situation enormously amusing. Ron, however, was a pretty good keeper, and made up for his team's lackluster offense. In the end, it was a close game that ended when Mrs. Weasley called them all in for lunch.

"Harry dear, I hemmed all your clothes so they would fit you better," Mrs. Weasley said as they all sat down for sandwiches and freshly made chips with a pitcher of cold punch. She held up one of Harry's previously too baggy pants, which looked as though they'd fit him decently now. "I also dug out some of Charlie's old things, he was skinny as a rail just like you are. See if they fit you. We are going to have to do something about your glasses though."

Harry's glasses were several years old at this point, and rather battered and held together more by tape, faith and hope than their original frame.

"Nothing for it, we'll have to go to Diagon Alley. I talked it over with your father, that is, Mr. Weasley and he said we may as well make it a family trip for school supplies early on this year."

When she said it, Mrs. Weasley looked very concerned, as if she were dreading it.

"Diagon Alley isn't so bad, I don't mind," Harry said. Mrs. Weasley smiled and turned back to her sandwiches.

"She's not worried about the trip, Harry," Percy said quietly. "It's the fact that we'll probably have to buy you new ones."

"Oh. Well, I can get those for myself," Harry said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his bottomless coin bag, spilling out the remains of the years spending money: one galleon, a handful of knuts, and ten sickles. "Is this enough for glasses?"

"Oh, Harry dear, since we're taking care of you I wouldn't dream of making you spend your own money on something like glasses!" Mrs. Weasley protested.

Harry shoved the money towards her. "Take it, I've got loads more where that came from. Besides, it's not like I have anything else useful to spend it on."

"Well, perhaps just this one time," Mrs. Weasley allowed, thinking of the rather poor state of the family finances with the addition of yet another mouth to feed and back to clothe. While she and Mr. Weasley had never allowed the expense Harry would incur to factor into their decision to take him in, they still had to consider what it would do to the family budget.

"You know, you've mentioned you had a vault of your own before," Ron said suspiciously. "But you wear the same kinds of clothes we do and only your school stuff looked new. I always figured you got that from the school orphan fund or something."

"Just come to Gringotts with me when we go to Diagon Alley," Harry said. "I never took any money out to buy things for home because if I did my aunt and uncle would have tried to steal it from me."

Fred and George actually stopped eating and glared at Harry. "We would never steal from one of our own!" they protested.

"Well, except maybe some of your chips," George amended, grabbing one off of Harry's plate.

"But nothing really valuable," Fred agreed, swiping his own chip.

"Oi, get your own!" Harry said, reaching over to try to nab some off the twins plate. His heart wasn't really in it though, this was a lot more food than he had ever had from the Dursleys and he was mostly full already. "I didn't say you would steal it. I said my horrible relatives would. I think they'd try to get me back if they knew I was rich, and that would be awful." Harry suddenly had a bright idea, not seeing the dirty looks his new siblings were giving him. "What if you all took the money and put it in the Weasley vault instead? Then my stupid Uncle could never get it off me."

The dirty looks were immediately replaced by guilty ones. "What do you mean, Harry?" Percy said, feeling pretty silly he'd been resenting the fact that Harry was in fact, both rich and famous a moment ago.

"Well it's simple really. Mum and dad, that is, your parents, can take what's in my vault. Then they could use it to buy us all new clothes and school stuff."

"Absolutely not!" Mrs. Weasley declared, glaring at Harry as she finally sat down with her own meal. "We're not beggars. We have our pride. The Weasley family would never accept charity from someone, especially a poor boy like you who hasn't anyone to look after him. People would think we were just trying to use you for your money."

"But you always said it wasn't charity if they were family," Ron said slowly, studying Harry with a calculating eye. "And we adopted Harry."

"No, we haven't," Mrs Weasley said. She paused and looked around with a slightly guilty expression. "Actually, it would probably be best if you don't mention that Harry is staying with us. It might ruffle a few feathers with some of the other families with much closer blood ties to the Potters, like the Malfoy's. Narcissa Malfoy is closely related to Harry."

"I think I'd rather live with the Dursley's than the Malfoy's," Harry said, shuddering. "Can you imagine living with Draco? I think I'd run away."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Lucius Malfoy had been having a lovely day. First, he woke up and had breakfast, then beat his house elf because his eggs were just a tad too runny. Then, he read the daily prophet, and beat his house elf because it hadn't been folded quite right. Then, Draco had come in for breakfast, excited that they would be going to see a quidditch game, and beat the house elf because his eggs were not done just right. Narcissa did not, of course, beat the house elf when her breakfast was not done right. Draco was more than happy to do it for her.

Yes, everything had been right with the world, until a strange man showed up at the front door.

"Ah meister Lucius Malfoy, I presume?" the man said in a very nasally voice. His face was covered by a purple neckerchief, and Lucius attempted to slam the door shut in his face, but he stuck out a foot.

"Whatever you are sell, we don't want any," Lucius snarled.

"Lucius you blithering idiot, open this door at once!" the man said in a much more sinister tone.

Pausing, Lucius frowned at the man. "Do I know you?"

"It is I, Lord Voldemort! I have returned, and have come to claim what is rightfully mine!"

Lucius rolled his eyes. "Oh, yes, I'm certain you're the Dark Lord, I can tell by your love of the color ARRRGGHHH!"

"Actually, his favorite color is green, be told be so himself!" the original voice said as the man stepped inside.

"No, I do think I rather how 'argh' looks on dear old Lucius."

Groaning, Lucius sat up and clutched at his right forearm, where his dark mark was burning.

"Master, I apologize, but I did not recognize you," Lucius gasped.

"Of course not fool! I am using this man as my vessel to herald my glorious return! Now, where is my diary?"

As quickly as he could, Lucius retrieved the diary of Tom Riddle and brought it to his master, who was sitting in the kitchen and eating the remainder of Lucius' breakfast.

"These eggs are excellent! My compliments to your chef!" the nasally voice said, smacking his lips.

"Silence fool, we are not here for breakfast, but for the key to my glorious return! Ah, yes, the diary. Give it here, Lucius."

Lucius quickly handed the diary over, then stepped back to stand beside his family in the corner. Draco was pale, and Narcissa's knuckles were white she was clinging to her son so tightly.

"Hmm, yes, this will work. But how...Ah! Draco, come here, child."

"Y-y-y-y-es professor Q-q-q-q-uirrell?" Draco stammered, stepping forward.

"I have a gift for you, Draco. A most wondrous gift that will make you the most powerful and splendid of my followers and bring your family eternal glory. Take this diary and write in it every night, starting upon the eve of your return to Hogwarts. You're returning to school in a few months, aren't you? Perfect. Yes, yes my ingenious plan will come together quite nicely. Make sure you write in it, and your rich rewards are assured."

With that, Voldequirrell stood and left, leaving behind an empty breakfast plate for Lucius.

Once they heard the door shut, Draco held the dairy out at arm's length. "Do I really have to write in it, father?" He demanded.

"Sweet Merlin no," Lucius said. "Just pass it off to some other child when you get to school. I'm sure it will do what the dark lord wants, then you can take credit for it later."

Draco nodded, feeling slightly relieved. He was pretty sure whatever was in the diary wasn't going to be healthy for whoever did write in it.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/

Once the Malfoys had finished giving Dobby the House Elf his "I'm feeling rotten and need someone to blame" beatings, he popped right over to the home of the Great and Glorious Harry Potter.

"Oi, I'll have your mum mate," a cranky voice said from near Dobby's ankles.

Dobby shrieked and jumped away from the gnome that was attempting to hump his legs.

"You wot mate? I swear on me mum-"

With a snap of his fingers, Dobby sent the gnome sailing through the air away from him. With a nod of satisfaction, Dobby stepped out onto the overgrown and weed infested back garden of Number 4 Privet Drive. Sneaking through the weeds, Dobby accidentally stepped on a rake, which snapped up and slammed in him the face.

"Ow!" Dobby gasped, stepping backwards and rubbing his very long nose. "That was hurting Dobby."

"Oh I'll have you unnatural little bastards this time!" A voice roared. A muggle with a beat red face and a trembling walrus mustache bearing a cricket back slammed the door open and rushed out into the yard after Dobby.

With a squeak of panic, Dobby raced away, but stopped when the muggle stepped on the rake himself. It slapped him square between the eyes, and with a groan the muggle dropped the cricket bat and toppled over, right onto a gnome that had been hiding in the weeds.

After a moment, the gnome wriggled out from under the fat muggle and started kicking at him. "What the bloody hell did you just freaking say about me, you ugly git? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the aurors, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Death Eaters, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the-"

Dobby blinked. This was not normal behavior for muggles or garden gnomes as far as he knew.  
"Harry Potter must be a very great wizard to cause such strange things to happen," Dobby reasoned.

Creeping inside, Dobby snuck past the shrieking muggle woman who was trying to chase of the gnome with a frying pan.

Inside, Dobby found a very fat boy who could only have been the great Harry Potter staring at the magical muggle box that made the funny noises and showed the bright lights.

"Oh, Dobby is so pleased to finally meet the Greatest and Most Wonderful Wizard of our Age!" Dobby squeaked.

The fat boy turned, looking at Dobby through glazed, slightly piggish eyes. "Huh?"

"Dobby has a very important message for Master: yous must not be going back to Hogwarts.

"OK." The boy turned back to his magic box, now ignoring Dobby.

This slightly surprised Dobby. He had expected Harry Potter to protest more, to insist on being a hero. "You promise Dobby not to be going back to Hogwarts?"

"Yep. Not going back to Hogwarts."

Dobby blinked twice, bowed, then vanished with a snap, feeling both elated and disappointed.

Interestingly enough, Harry _Potter_ wouldn't be going back to Hogwarts.

The newest _Weasley_ , on the other hand….

\/\\\/\\\/\/\/\\\/\/\\\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Going to Diagon Alley with the Weasley family was great fun for Harry. While he personally had been unable to sneak off to his Gringotts vault, Fred and George had been more than happy to do the job of playing the part of both Weasley twins. It had actually been hilariously simple: whenever mum called one of them, the other just responded for both.

"Oi, beaky face, I need to get into Harry's vault," George (or possibly Fred, even they were not sure 100% of the time) said.

The goblin glared down at him. "Do you have the vault key?"

"Right here," George said, holding it up. "Come on, mum can't keep miscounting her children all day."

"Hmm, this does seem to be in order," the goblin agreed, narrowing his eyes at the young man in front of him. Was this Harry Potter? He did have the vault key, but he seemed a bit older. Bah. Humans all looked the same to him anyway.

Inside of Harry's vault, George couldn't help but goggle for a moment at the massive mound of gold. There were thousands of galleons in the vault, easily more money then Fred had ever seen before in his life. "Bloody hell, and Harry just gave me the key," George breathed. Then he shook his head and started scooping galleons into the bag. Once had had about six dozen, he jumped back into the cart.

"Right, that was pretty good the first time, but honestly, from what I heard these things were bloody terrifying. Can't you make it go any faster?"

The goblin blinked, then grinned. "I think I might be able to manage something. What about a bet, human? First one to vomit on the cart ride owes the other a galleon."

It took somewhat longer to come back out of Gringotts vaults than it did going in, probably because of all the detours the goblin took George on. In the end though, they arrived back at the top floor, where George stepped out, slightly disappointed. "Well, that wasn't quite as tame, but honestly I was hoping to at least feel a bit ill. Thanks for the galleon!"

"Urg," groaned the goblin.

Deciding that even though it had been Harry's money he'd gambled that he'd properly earned that particular galleon, George pocketed it and hurried back to the second hand bookstore where he'd left his family. They were still sifting through boxes, looking for the various textbooks they'd need. Normally they wouldn't have to, but Gilderoy Lockhart was the new defense professor and even with mum's already complete collection they still needed a few sets. George sidled up to one of his brothers and hissed. "Oi, Harry, I got-" he paused. "Oops, sorry Ron."

Ron just grunted.

Finding the correct ginger this time, George handed over the sack of galleons. "Here you go mate, fresh from the vaults."

Harry reached into the bag and took out a galleon. "Here, for you."

Not questioning the morality of this, George happily accepted his payment. That was two galleons, more money than he'd usually get in a whole year!

"Now take this and slip into mum's purse," Harry ordered, handing over ten more galleons.

"First time for everything I suppose," George mused. He caught Fred's eye, held up the galleons, nodded at mum, then grinned. Fred grinned back and reached into his pocket, pulling out a snake they'd caught in the garden earlier. He slipped it into a bag and thrust it towards Percy. You would think it was Ginny who'd be squeamish around snakes, but she'd probably laugh and pet the thing. Princess Perse on the other hand…

"Oi, Perse, this one of the books you're looking for for your OWLS?" Fred asked.

Percy, God bless him, actually reached into the bag to look. "Which one did you- EEEEEK!"

George stifled a laugh as the snake slithered up Percy's sleeve, and moved in while mum stormed over to mete out justice. While she was raging, George quietly slipped two galleons into mum's purse, then planted a three more onto Fred. His twin had seen the whole thing, and nodded his understanding; they'd have to do it one or two at a time, or she'd get suspicious.

"-right out in public! It's one thing to be misbehaving at home, but not while others can see! They'll think we're nothing but a bunch of yokels who don't even have proper manners! They'll be no pudding for either of you for a week if it happens again!"

"But mum, it was just George this time," George said, pointing to Fred (probably) and sticking out his lower lip.

She whirled and glared at him. "Just because I didn't see you do it doesn't mean you weren't in on this George Weasley! And don't go trying to confuse me, I know you never give the proper names for yourselves!"

Actually they did sometimes, if only to throw her off.

"Pst, Ginny, Ron, c'mere," Harry whispered as they looked through second hand robes in the back of Madam Malkin's.

"What is it?" Ron asked.

"Come on, Percy's going to distract your mum for a bit and we're going to nip down to another shop," Harry told them.

"Why?" Ginny asked, holding up a set of second hand robes that was in decent shape. "I do need new clothes."

"Because you've got your grandmother's wand and Ron has Charlie's which used to be Great Uncle Norbert's," Harry explained. "So we're going to Ollivander's to get you both proper wands."

"But Harry, wands are expensive," Ron protested. "How can you-"

Harry held up a sack and jingled it a bit. "Think of it as both of your birthday presents. Come on."

When they walked into the shop, Ollivander took one look at the group, muttered, "Ah, yes, more Weasleys," and hurried off.

"You might present a bit of a challenge my dear, I don't have much experience with Weasley daughters," the old man said as he set a stack of boxes on the counter. For Ron, he just handed over several wands of varying lengths and colors. "You though, young man, there is no question. Unicorn hair for certain, just find the one that you suit best."

"Don't you mean the one that suits me best?" Ron said, waving one of the wands.

"If I had meant that I would have said so."

It took only three wands to find Ron's, but Ginny proved far more difficult. After half a dozen wands, Ollivander ruled out unicorn hair cores. "Hmm, tricky, what about phoenix? Lucky, just like a seventh child," the old man mused.

Seven phoenix wands later and Ollivander ruled those out as well, sweeping them away and hurrying back. "Oh, tricky, tricky. Never had a Weasley who needed dragon heartstring in their wands before, not even that boy who had such an affinity for the beasts, what was his name? William?"

"Charlie," Ron supplied. "You're thinking of my older brother Charlie."

"Ah yes, unicorn hair, 10 ½ inches, cherry. How could I forget?" Ollivander handed over several more wands for Ginny, who started waving them about, until one let out a bright gout of red flame.

"Woah," Harry breathed, staring at Ginny wide eyed.

"That was scary," Ron commented.

Ginny sniffed. "Bloody brilliant is more like it."

"You seem to have found the correct wand," Ollivander mused. "Yew, dragon heartstring, 12 inches even. Very powerful, but quite volatile. You'll have your hands full with that one."

"Sounds like it suits me just fine," Ginny declared, then flushed. "Only, I don't know how I'm going to pay for it."

"No problem," Harry assured her, pulling out his bag and dumping it on the counter. His siblings eye's popped at the sight of the pile of galleons, but Ollivander just nodded and started counting out the money.

They were just about to pay when the door banged open.

"HARRY JAMES WEASLEY WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!" mum roared.

All three children jumped about twelve inches in the air and came down with completely guilty expressions on their faces.

"Oh, um, just finding birthday presents for Ron and Ginny," Harry said, trying to smile innocently and mostly managing to look slightly manic instead.

Molly glanced at the pile of galleons on the counter and blanched, then came over to kneel by her newest child. "Harry, dear, we can't be taking your money. It just wouldn't be right. It's our job to provide for you, not the other way around. You're only a child: I won't have you wasting your inheritance."

Harry's face flushed, not with anger, but with guilt. "I'm not wasting my inheritance! I'm making sure that my brother and sister have proper wands, so that the next time we accidentally end up dueling Sleepy the Wonder Turban-"

"Who?" mum interrupted, looking even more confused than usual.

"Oh, you know, Quirrell and his houseguest, Voldemort," Harry answered.

Mum turned faintly green, her mouth forming a small "o."

"And anyway, they're birthday presents. You wouldn't tell Ron and Ginny they can't have their birthday presents, would you?" Harry pointed to his siblings, who immediately put mournful expressions on their faces and made their eyes as wide and innocent as possible.

Sadly, having seven, make that eight, children makes one rather immune to puppy dog eyes. "That doesn't change the fact that it's your money Harry," Mrs. Weasley said, scooping the galleons back into the bag and handing it back to Harry.

"No." Harry said, trusting the back at Ron and Ginny, who took it with a shocked expression. "It's our money."

"Harry-"

"No, listen," Harry said, tears coming into his eyes. "Do I get to call you mum or not?"

"Well of course dear, you can-"

"Then you get to act like my mum! If the money is sitting in my vault at Gringotts it doesn't do anyone any good, does it? Look, I don't want us to all suddenly get a Nimbus 2001 or brand new robes or new books or whatever, but a wand is really important. If you're going to be my mum then you need to look after the money too. And since it's the family money, we get to spend it on important things for the family. Please, mum?"

It was the broken look in Harry's eyes, the look of a boy who'd never really had a mum before, who'd slept in an old cupboard and never had anyone to tuck him in at night that broke Molly's resolve. "Well, alright, just this once I suppose," she reluctantly agreed. Then she pulled Harry into a tight embrace.

Ron and Ginny cheered, and passed the bag of galleons back to Mr. Ollivander, who frowned at the excessive display of emotion in his shop, but counted out the money again just the same.

"Does that mean we get new wands too?" Fred and George asked.

Harry grinned and winked at them from over their mother's shoulder. "Just promise me that you won't use them to prank me for at least a year."

"Ouch, you drive a hard bargain Harrykins."

"Make it no pranking anyone in this family and I'll allow it," mum growled, standing and turning around to glare down at her sons.

Fred and George considered it. "Does that count Ginny?"

"Hey!"

"Alright, alright, we agree. No one in this family get's pranked with the new wands."

Everyone sadly failed to realize that for people as creative as Fred and George, coming up with wandless pranks was just an interesting challenge.

/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

On the morning of July 31st, Harry awoke early, feeling somewhat nervous. The Dursleys had never taken much note of his birthday in years past, aside from occasionally giving him "gifts" such as a 50 pence piece or old clothes. He knew money was tight for the Weasley's though, and did not expect much in the way of gifts. He was, however, at least hoping that the Weasleys would acknowledge it was his birthday.

He snuck down stairs, going into the kitchen. On a whim, Harry started cooking breakfast, cooking from memory one of his personal favorite things: Oat scones with honey and raisins. He was careful not to make much noise: the twins would prank him mercilessly if he interrupted their "beautify sleep."

He was just forming the scones on a tray when there was a soft noise behind him. He turned to find Mrs. Weasley making her away down the stairs, still in her night gown. "Oh, Harry, what are you doing up so early?"

"Couldn't sleep," Harry said, turning back around and plopping dough on the pan. "I'm making scones."

"Well thank you dear, that's very kind of you. Here, let me take care of the washing up."

It felt rather nice to cook with Mrs. Weasley, the two of them working side by side in companionable silence. Once the scones were in the oven, Mrs. Weasley made Harry sit down and made him a cup of hot chocolate. "Happy birthday dear," she said, kissing him on the top of his head and going back into the kitchen as she made sausage and eggs to go with the scones. Harry flushed, enjoying the drink and quietly deciding that this was the best birthday he'd ever had.

Not long after, Ginny awoke and made her way down the stair. Unlike most of her brothers, she was actually a bit of a morning person.

"Morning. Happy birthday," Ginny yawned, taking her place at the table next to Harry and getting her own cup of coco.

The rest of the Weasley brothers trickled in, all wishing Harry happy birthday and plopping themselves around the table.

"Good morning Weasleys," Mr. Weasley said cheerily, coming down to breakfast last dressed for work. "And happy birthday to you, Harry."

"Thanks," Harry said.

Mrs. Weasley bustled in, hot scones on a platter. "Well, as a special treat today Harry made us all scones with raisins and honey."

"He's not trying to poison us, is he?" Fred asked, taking a scone and popping it in his mouth.

George swallowed his own scone and blanched. "Yewg! Horrid, I recommend none of you eat any of this rot."

"Too right; you'd best let us have it, save yourselves the bother." Both twins reached for more scones, stuffing them into their mouths and making gagging noises.

"Stop it you too," Mrs. Weasley said, smacking them both on the back lightly with a wooden spoon as she laid out the sausage and eggs. "Harry, the scones are lovely."

"Thank you Harry, these are very good," Percy said, spreading butter over his own scone. "Where'd you learn to cook?"

"I used to have to cook for my relatives," Harry explained. "They'd get grumpy if I didn't do it just right, and then I wouldn't be allowed to eat anything, so I got pretty good at it."

"You know, everytime I start feeling guilty about hexing those muggles shrubberies you remind me just why we did it," Mr. Weasley observed. "I can't imagine who thought it was a good idea to leave you with them."

At Hogwarts, Dumbledore sneezed loudly. Professor McGonagall had to keep herself from saying "I told you so" but was not sure why.

"Harry dear, I hope you don't mind but I invited Hermione Granger over for your birthday party today," Mrs. Weasley said as she sat down.

Harry's heart leapt, and he quickly nodded. "Yeah, that sounds OK." Inside, he wa cheering.

The rest of the day went fairly normally: Mr. Weasley left for work, and everyone had chores to do before they were free to play. Harry's chores for the day consisted of making his bed, feeding the chickens, and collecting the eggs. Compared to what he'd had to do with the Dursley's it was practically nothing, and it was actually a lot easier than cleaning out the pig pen or milking the cows. Usually the harder chores went to Percy, Fred, and George, as they were better with the more advanced magics. Eggs safely collected and hens pecking in the yard, Harry ran off to check on Ginny's progress in the garden.

"Finished with the weeding yet?" Harry called, peering over the stone fence.

Ginny stood and nodded, dusting her filthy hands off. "Yeah, good enough for now. Fancy a race through the orchard? We can both use the old shooting stars, that way it's fair."

They both hurried to the broom cupboard, grabbing brooms and flying off into the orchard. Percy waved at them as they flew by, his wand out as he performed some growing and pruning charms on the apple trees.

"Need a hand Percy?" Harry called once they'd done a loop around the orchard.

"Sure, why don't you and Ginny land and I can teach you both some basic horticultural charms. These are a bit different than the ones used in herbology; they've been passed down the Prewett and Weasley family lines."

While Percy got a bit pompous as he lectured his younger siblings, both Harry and Ginny rather enjoyed learning the special magics and practicing them. The morning was part way over when Ron and Hermione came over to join them.

"Oh, what charms are those, I've never seen them? Oh, and happy birthday Harry!"

"Family secrets," Percy said, waving his wand loftily. "It's only proper I teach you and Ron a few of them; it's my duty as the eldest brother."

"Sod off Percy, Bill and Charlie are both older than you," Ron grumbled.

"Well, they aren't here, are they? Now, as you can see, these apples are just now blooming. To help attract bees and such, you'll want to use these charms…."

Once the trees were taken care of, the twins came over from their work with the pigs and cows and joined in a game of hide and seek around the burrow. The only rule was no wands, though Harry was fairly certain the twins were cheating somehow as they always seemed to find each other first and coordinate far better than they should have.

"Well that's just our mystical twin bond at work Harrykins."

"Yeah, that's how I knew George here was dead during Ronnikins little chess match."

"But I thought it was Fred who got hit, and he wasn't dead," Harry protested.

"Details. Never trouble us with the details."

As the sun sank lower in the sky, all the children were called to the garden, where Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were waiting. Harry stopped at the gate, looking in shock at the enormous cake in the shape of a golden snitch, lit by twelve candles.

"What, do you not like it Harry?" Mrs. Weasley asked, sounding slightly nervous. "I wasn't sure if I should do the snitch, or a broomstick, but-"

"It's perfect," Harry said, slowly coming forward, not taking his eyes off the cake. "I love it."

Everyone gathered around and sang happy birthday, cheering for Harry as he blew out the candles. It all felt so surreal. It had been such a perfect day, and Harry looked around at his family, smiling as he did so. To go with the cake was a large shepard's pie, filled with vegetables from the garden and a lamb that Mr. Weasley had slaughtered the day before. To drink Mr. Weasley had gotten a keg of butterbeer, which Harry sampled for the first time and adored.

After the meal there were even presents: Harry got a new pair of trainers from his new parents, the first set of unused clothes he'd ever owned. From Ron, Harry recieved several chocolate frog cards, including the prized Morgana Ron had finally obtained on the train ride home. Ginny had made a throw pillow embroidered with cross brooms. Fred and George gave Harry a certificate for "one free prank" which Harry was pretty sure mum was going to confiscate as soon as she could. Percy's gift was a picture of the two of them together after Harry had caught the snitch in the Hufflepuff game, Harry sitting on Percy's shoulders while he held the snitch up triumphantly. And of course, Hermione gave Harry a book: Beating the Bludgers, a book of quidditch strategy.

As he sat at the table, surrounded by people who loved him and holding his new things, Harry felt tears trickling down his face.

"Harry, what's wrong?" Percy asked, putting a hand on his chosen brothers shoulder.

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong at all. It's perfect."

 _Authors Note:_

 _This chapter brought to you by all the wonderful reviewers who've encouraged me to keep writing. I'm posting this early as a special thank you for hitting over 100 reviews in only four chapters. You guys rock!_

 _Originally I thought about pairing Harry with Ginny because then they could get married and adopt her last name. And then I remembered that I was writing about Harry Weasley, not Harry Lannister. So I have a decision to make: find someone new for Harry, or pair him with Dobby. I would like to think we all know what the right choice is._


	6. Chp 6: That's Disney Evil!

_Chapter 6: That's Disney Evil!_

Gilderoy Lockhart liked to think of himself as the most famous, handsome, and powerful wizard in Great Britain, and hence the world. When he got a letter asking if he would be willing to discuss a radio drama covering the events of his novels, he simply couldn't turn down the offer, even if he didn't recognize the name on the letter: Baron von Doomhousen. He was always up for more publicity.

"Hello!" Lockhart said, grinning widely when he opened his door. He always thought his grin was his best feature. "Won't you come in? I was just thinking, perhaps instead of starting with an adaptation of Break With a Banshee, even though it was the first book, we should instead start with an adaptation of the collection, The Travel Trilogy. I must say that I think those are much more suited to an audio drama, and I think that with just a little tweaking would could have-"

"Oh, just shut him up already," an angry voice growled from the back of Baron von Doomhousen's head.

Lockhart blinked. "Pardon?"

" _Stupefy_!"

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

After having hands down the best summer of his life and getting in countless fights with his new family (none of which involved beatings, but instead lots of yelling and then making up later) Harry was downright jubilant to be returning to Hogwarts with all his adoptive siblings. He was, however, going to miss his new parents.

Mr. Weasley took the morning off of work this year, having heard from Percy (and everyone else) what an experience him driving the car through muggle London had been. Of course, as Harry had learned, nothing happened in a timely fashion at the Weasley house, and they were once again very nearly late to train station. Harry was half worried the barrier would close on him when he ran through, but thankfully he managed to get inside with no problems. It was a mad rush for the train, with mum and dad giving frantic hugs and kisses (which everyone but Harry and Ginny were terribly embarrassed to receive) and then everyone piled aboard.

"Oh, hello Ginny," a young girl with blonde hair said as they piled onto the train. "Would you like to come sit with me in my compartment?"

"Sorry Luna, I'm sitting with my brothers!" Ginny called. "I've got to make plans with my honorary sister, Hermione!"

The other girl seemed unphased by this, and silently slid the door to her empty compartment shut.

"Ow!" Draco snarled as the Weasley whirlwind flew past him, dropping a book as he did so.

"Ooo, what's this then, Ickle Draco keeping a diary?" the twins cooed, picking up the plain blue note book and flipping through it. "Blank? Too busy crying on the pages?"

"No, you want it?" Draco growled.

The twins blew a raspberry. "Fat chance of that, we actually have a pair, thank you."

"No antagonizing the Slytherins until term starts," Percy ordered.

"Fine!" The twins threw the book back at Draco, and hurried off after their brothers. They didn't notice when Draco opened the compartment door next to him, tossed the diary in, and hurried off, looking nervous and guilty.

After dropping of the youngest members of the family in Hermione's compartment, Fred and George scampered off to find their friends, while Percy left for the Prefects compartment.

"It's good to see you again," Hermione said formally, holding out her hand.

Ginny ignored this, and practically tackled Hermione in a hug. "I have a sister!" she squealed.

"Ew," Harry said, sticking out his tongue.

Ron mimed gagging and dying.

Hermione returned the hug, and glared at the two boys. "I think it's very sweet. I've always wanted to have a sister myself, personally. Someone I could read to, and teach, and-"

"Wow, Harry and Ron were right, you do need help being exciting," Ginny observed, breaking away and frowning at Hermione. "We're going to need to teach you how to play quidditch."

At the mention of quidditch, Hermione paled slightly. "I don't know that that is a very good idea," she stammered. "You see, I prefer more academic pursuits, and flying on a broom isn't my cup of tea."

Ginny raised an eyebrow. "If we're going to be sisters, we need to share some common pursuits. I'll make you a deal: I'll let you read to me and teach me, and you agree to play quidditch with me."

Considering this offer for a moment, Hermione finally grimaced and nodded. "Oh, alright, I suppose it wouldn't kill me to fly a little more. Oh! We'll have wonderful study sessions together! Here, I still have all my old notes from last year! I think my favorite class was transfiguration. No! Charms! And we can practice our wand work together and-"

"Did Ginny just con Hermione into letting her copy all her notes?" Ron whispered to Harry.

Harry nodded. "Yeah, but we do that anyway, so it's only fair I guess."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

"Are you sure you're a Weasley? Because I don't want to go making assumptions just based on hair color like last year, rather embarrassing and all you know…"

"Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I can't be a Weasley!" Ginny half shouted, sticking her lip out and folding her arms across her chest in a great pout.

The Sorting Hat, despite being a hat, managed to look rather ashamed of itself. "Oh! Beg your pardon my dear, I can see that you are indeed a Weasley. Right then, off you go."

"Thanks," Ginny said, taking off the hat and starting towards the Gryffindor table.

"Miss Weasley!" Professor McGonagall snapped. Then she turned to glare at the Sorting Hat. "Hat! You did not, in fact, sort Miss Weasley!"

"I did!" the Hat protested. "She said she was a Weasley, so she goes in the Weasley house!"

"I am so writing dad that that's actually a thing now," George whispered, causing his brothers and Hermione to all snigger and the rest of the Gryffindors to roll their eyes in resignation.

"There is no Weasley house, Hat," McGonagall ground out.

The Hat was silent for a moment. "Oh, right. Come on, put me back on."

Ginny went back, but as soon as the Hat touched her head it bellowed, "Gryffindor!" then flopped off of Ginny's head and managed to give the appearance of glaring at McGonagall. "Don't act like we didn't all know what I meant! I'm 1002 years old, woman! I'm not some spring straw hat!"

"You cannot simply start telling students to go with their families! It would be a break in tradition that goes back over-"

"Oh don't you lecture ME on tradition! I started half of them you know, before you were even a twinkle in your grandfather's eye, why-"

While the Hat and the Deputy Headmistress argued, the Gryffindor table applauded politely for Ginny, who skipped over and sat down next to Harry and Hermione. "Well, that was exciting. I'm a bit disappointed though, I figured if Ron could wrestle a troll I could manage."

"To be fair, it was me and Harry who wrestled the troll," Ron said, frowning slightly. "But what does that have to do with the sorting?"

"Well, after what Fred and George told you last summer and the fact that Percy said you two really did wrestle a troll, I figured I might get a chance too," Ginny said, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "Now where's the food? I'm starving."

"That is not what happened!" Hermione protested. "It was an accident, Professor Quirrell let the troll in and it was at Halloween, not the sorting!"

"Well, it is how you got sorted into the Weasley house, isn't it Hermione?" Harry asked innocently.

Hermione elbowed him in the stomach. "Rotter," she muttered, but she was smiling when she did so.

Once the Sorting was done (and the grumbling Hat taken away) the Headmaster stood and smiled. "I welcome you one and all to another year at Hogwarts. Alas! As the Weasley clan managed to detonate our last Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor," that brought nervous laughter from some, and cat calls from Fred and George before a very pale Percy got them to quiet down, "we require a new one for this term. As such, I am very pleased to welcome Gilderoy Lockhart as our new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor!"

From the far corner of the head table, a dark cloaked figure in a splendid black robe stood, sweeping off his derby hat and bowing while twirling his long pencil thin mustache. "Greetings, students. I look forward to...enlightening you," he said in a silky voice.

"Wow," Harry said, shaking his head. "I mean, last year Quirrell looked questionable, but this guy just screams evil."

Hermione nodded, looking a bit frightened. "I know, if it was just the mustache, cape, or hat, I'd think he was just dramatic, but all three? Definitely evil."

"What are you talking about?" Ron said, frowning slightly. "He looks normal enough to me."

"Oh come on Ron," Harry said, sounding slightly exasperated. "Black hat, black cloak with crimson liner, black robe, pencil thin mustache that he's actually twirling? This guy is clearly 100% evil. He even has a goatee!"

"Absolutely," Hermione agreed. "He looks just like a cartoon villain from those kiddy shows on the telly."

"What's a cartoon villain?" Ron asked.

Ginny blinked. "What's a telly?"

Hermione and Harry both groaned. "Come on Dean, help us out. Is Lockhart Evil?"

Dean, having been raised by muggles himself, nodded seriously. "He's so obviously evil he might as well have called himself Baron Von Doomhousen."

"The Doomhousen's are a very respectable wizarding family," Percy sniffed. "They just have a bad reputation from when they fled the war with Grindelwald."

Fred nodded. "I must say, I rather like Lockhart's sense of style. Very nice."

"Quite right Old bean. We might have to grow a mustache like that someday. I think I would look rather dashing," George agreed.

Harry and Hermione could only gape in open mouthed horror. Thankfully, the feast soon appeared and everyone dug in, forgetting what had been said about their new Defense Professor.

As the students were all heading off to their dorms after the feast, Oliver Wood grabbed Ginny and started dragging her away, despite her squawking protests. "Where are you going with my honorary sister you freak!" Hermione screamed, jumping after Oliver and kicking at his shins.

"Ow! Stop it! I was just going to take her outside and try her out for a bit," Oliver said, glaring at Hermione, who had gone white with rage. Ginny promptly sank her teeth into Oliver's hand. "Ow! Why are you biting me?!"

"Mate, you had best be rephrasing what you're out do with our sister before we are forced to kill you, hide your body, and make Ronniekins here quidditch captain," Fred and George said, coming over and looking rather menacing.

"I was just going to put her on a broom and see if she could fly!" Oliver complained, sucking at his bleeding hand. "Ow. You're a scrappy one, aren't you? I bet you make a mean chaser or beater…."

Hermione blinked. "You mean, you wanted to try her out for quidditch? Now? Right after the Welcoming Feast?"

"Of course quidditch! What else would I want with a little firstie girl?"

Fred and George burst out laughing and slapped Oliver on the back. "Mate, you have got to choose your words better!"

"Come on Ollie, let's go get your hand looked at."

"You can have Ginny tomorrow."

"She's a right terror on a broom you know."

"Did you really bite him?" Ron said, staring at his sister in horrified fascination.

She blushed and looked down. "Well, the way he was talking, I thought…"

"Thought what?" Harry said, mystified.

"That he was going to make her miss bedtime. Come on you two, double quick now or we'll get left behind," Hermione ordered, shooing the boys ahead. She rolled her eyes and gave Ginny a sympathetic look. She mouthed, "Boys."

Ginny nodded mournfully. "Heads full of nothing but empty air."

"What was that?" Harry and Ron demanded.

"Nothing!" the honorary sisters chorused.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Up in Ravenclaw tower, a young first year sniffed and wiped her eyes, clutching a picture of a smiling witch holding a baby and waving. "There must be a lot of allium cepas in the Ravenclaw dorms," she said to herself.

"Will you knock it off about all this pretend rubbish?" one of the other girls groaned. "Ever since you got sorted, it's been nargles and all sorts of other nonsense. Just shut it and go to bed. We've classes in the morning."

Luna sniffed and dried her eyes. She took out the book that had been tossed into her compartment, wreaking of wrackspurts. Taking out a quill, she hummed to herself and wrote _. Dear Diary. None of the other girls in Ravenclaw appear to be very bright. They don't believe in nargles or wrackspurts, and they didn't realize what an allium cepa was. I think they might not be proper Ravenclaws at all._

As soon as she set her pen aside, the ink sucked into the page and vanished. Luna tilted her head, confused. Then new words formed on the page.

 _I think I can recognize an onion when someone mentions its name. Hello, my name is Tom Riddle. What's yours?_

"My name is Luna Lovegood," Luna said, smiling at the diary.

There was a loud groan from the bed next to hers. "Does anyone know a silencing charm? Loony can't even remember her own name now!"

"I was telling the nice man in this diary," Luna said, holding the book up. Since her curtains were drawn though, no one could see.

"Oh yes, because talking to a book makes you seem sooooo much saner."

Luna shrugged, picked up her pen, and started to write again, the photo of her mother continuing to wave as the night passed away.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/

Most of Harry's second year classes were much the same. Snape was still grouchy and stern, McGonagall was less grouchy but more stern, and the other teachers were all their usual selves. Gilderoy Lockhart (or Evil McEvilstein, as Harry insisted on calling him) on the other hand, was very different from Sleepy the Wonder Turban.

When everyone walked into class, the room was darkened, with a thick curtain hanging at the back of the room where the teacher's desk should be, in front of which stood a large pipe organ. Gilded candelabras cast flickering red lights against the fabric, and the air was heavy with the scent of cologne. On the desk lay a thick, heavy book with odd runes on it.

"This is so evil," Harry muttered as they found their seats. "How can you not tell Ron?"

"It isn't any worse than all the skeletons and creepy things in jars," Ron protested. "Actually, I think I like this a fair bit better."

"Skeletons and things in jars are weird. Mood lighting, ominous books, organs, and dark curtains scream evil lair," Hermione explained.

Before Ron could explain how irrational that was, the pipe organ began to play. The students fell silent, and the music built to a fever pitch. Hermione and Harry glanced at each other, and they both sighed and rolled their eyes. It was Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, of course (though only Hermione could have named it, Harry just called it "that creepy villain stuff"). Then just as it seemed the music would go on forever, a dark cloaked figure appeared at the organ, still playing masterfully. With a final wail from the organ, the figure stood, spinning around and flourishing his cloak.

"Welcome, students, to the greatest Defense Against the Dark Arts class this castle has ever seen! Before you stands a gentleman of mystery and talent, a daring rogue who has captured hearts and fiends the world over!" twirling his mustache, the professor smiled, his eyes twinkling darkly. "It is none other than I, Gilderoy Lockhart, monster hunter extraordinaire! Tell me, who has heard of my mighty deeds and feats?"

Behind Harry, Lavender and Pavarti raised their hands and squealed excitedly, as did Millicent, Daphne and Pansy from the Slytherin section. Even a few of the boys raised their hands, though none of them were blushing and shrieking as they did so. Except for Theodore Nott, who was a bit suspect.

"Have you never heard of me, young man?" Lockhart said as he pointed to Harry, his face a mask of pain and anguish. "Can one have truly come to my class so full of woeful ignorance?"

"Well, we did have to get those books," Harry said slowly. He frowned at his professor. "Are you telling me that you're the same bloke who killed all those monsters?"

"Indeed!" Lockhart struck a pose and snapped his fingers. At once, a breeze swept through the classroom, causing his cape to billow dramatically. "I have wrestled werewolves, vanquished vampires, garroted ghouls, and banished banshees. But more importantly, I have never yet failed to rescue the fair maiden, and earn her favors." From within his robes, Lockheart withdrew a rose. He closed his eyes and smelled it, putting a hand to his forehead and sighing dramatically.

He then tossed the rose, which landed in Pansy Parkinson's' outstretched hand. She sighed and smelled it, falling back into her desk in a swoon.

"But! You are not just here to listen to me natter on about my exploits, brave and famous though they be! Instead, we must delve together into the heart of magic itself! Brace yourselves, for here we must learn... _the dark arts_ …"

Hermione raised her hand, frowning and wrinkling her forehead. When Professor Lockhart looked irritated and made as if to continue, she called out, "Please sir, I thought this was _Defense_ Against the Dark Arts?"

"Ah ha!" Lockhart grinned and produced another rose, which he tossed to Hermione. It landed on her desk, and she looked at it, horrified, and edged away until Lavender snatched it and pressed it to her chest, sighing contentedly. "Indeed! But, tell me my dear, to defeat one's enemy, what must one do?"

"Kill it with fire?" Harry offered, thinking of the twins fireworks last year blowing up the Mirror of Erised.

Lockhart snorted in disgust. "That method is crude and ineffective. A true gentleman and adventurer would never stoop to such barbarous methods! No, you see, to defeat your enemies, you must know them. And to know them, what better way than to study their own dark devices?" As Lockhart spoke, he walked up to the tome, on which an eye had appeared, and was now gazing around the room with a malevolent glare. "Klaatu, Barada, Nikto!

With a cry like that of an escaping lost soul, the tome sprang open, and the room filled with dark whispers. "You see my pupils? This is the power of the dark arts!" Lockhart grinned, twirling his mustache and walking around the table upon which the tome lay. "Can you hear its call? Many have fallen to its seductive whispers! Many have been led astray by the tempting mistress of the night." He caressed the tome, his face taking on a longing expression. "But not, of course, your great and noble professor, monster hunter extraordinaire." Lockhart snapped his fingers, and the book snapped shut, the whispers fading.

He grinned once more, bowing to the applause of most of the students. Dean, Harry, and Hermione all looked rather ill. "You see? With my training, you too will learn to banish foul forces with a simple gesture! Now, let us first begin with a reading from my book, Gadding with Ghouls, in which I cleverly talk a walking corpse into its own demise. Then, we will work on learning how to animate dead animals, and practice vanquishing them, so that you too may be mighty heroes! Turn to page 283. Begin!"

After class, Hermione and Harry were steering well clear of Ron, who was holding a dead bird's skeleton. "I think mine twitched a bit," he commented.

"Ron, get rid of that thing!" Hermione hissed. "It's evil! Don't go trying to animate it!"

"Well yeah, that's why I've got to learn to animate it, so I can defeat the evil and prove I'm a hero," Ron argued.

Harry slapped the skeleton away and stomped on it.

"Aw what you have to go and do that for!" Ron complained. "Now I'll never properly learn to banish an animated corpse."

"Seriously Ron, it's the animating of it that's the problem," Harry lectured. "It. Is. Evil. Lockhart. Is. Evil. Wake up! I'm writing mum about this!"

Ron grinned and waggled his eyebrows. "Oh, you go right ahead mate. You tell her all about evil professor Lockhart. I can't wait to see what she says to that!"

"Fine, I will!"

/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

 _Dear mum,_

 _Mostly school is going well. We all got here safely. Ginny was actually originally sorted into the Weasley house, but the hat called her back when Professor McGonagall complained about it and put her properly in Gryffindor. She and Hermione are getting along very well. Oliver says that she'll make an excellent reserve player, and that in a couple of years she'll be a top notch quidditch team member._

 _There is one slight problem though. Our new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor, Gilderoy Lockhart is EVIL. Not just ordinary every day evil, but Evil with a capital E. I would call it Disney Evil. He wears a dark cloak, a black derby cap, and has a pencil thin mustache that he twirls (evilly). He even plays the pipe organ! He's been teaching us how to animate corpses, claiming that only by understanding the Dark Arts can we learn to defeat him, but that's a load of rubbish. He's doing it because he's evil, and he wants to make us evil too. Please, you and dad have to convince Ron and the others that he's evil and tell them not to fall for his evil plot!_

 _Love, your son, Harry_

 _/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

The day after Harry sent his letter, Hedwig returned with his replay. She deposited a bright red envelop in his lap, which immediately began smoking and shaking.

"You've done it now," Ginny said, ducking under the table.

Ron grinned. "I can't bloody believe you got one before I did."

Fred and George laughed. "Better open it now Harrykins, they just get worse if you let them stew!"

"What get worse?" Harry said, holding the trembling letter at arms length and leaning away.

"Howlers," Percy said, grimacing and plucking the letter from Harry's hand. "Sorry kiddo, best to get it over with." Percy ripped the letter open, and suddenly the entire great hall was filled with the booming voice of Mrs. Weasley.

"HARRY JAMES WEA-POTTER! HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT GILDEROY LOCKHART IS EVIL, OR EVEN THAT HE LOOKS EVIL! I SAW A PICTURE OF HIS LOVELY OUTFIT IN WITCH WEEKLY, AND IT DOESN'T LOOK EVIL AT ALL! HE IS A MAN OF STYLE AND TASTE WHO HAS FACED MORE MONSTROUS CREATURES THAN ANY OTHER MAN ALIVE. EXCEPT MAYBE YOU YOUNG MAN, SO QUIT BEING SO RECKLESS BEFORE YOU GET YOURSELF KILLED!" The volume lowered slightly, and the furious voice turned sweet and happy. "Ginny dear, congratulations on being sorted into Gryffindor. Your father and I are very proud. Hermione, take good care of her, I don't trust those boys as they don't have a lick of sense between them!"

Harry sat, stunned. He looked at Hermione, his mouth hanging open. She could only stare back, her eyes practically popping out of her head.

Percy patted Harry on the back, giving him a reassuring smile. "Don't take it personally. Even I got one in my third year when I accidentally let loose a crate of salamanders during Care of Magical creatures and set a couple of kids robes on fire. It happens to the best of us."

"But...but...but he's evil," Harry whispered, looking up at Percy pleadingly. "You believe me Percy, don't you?"

Percy hesitated, and the moment of hesitation broke Harry's heart. Before he could make a real spectacle of himself and start sobbing out loud, someone slapped him on the back.

"Harry my dear boy, your mother does have excellent taste! Ha! Thinking I'm evil! I know, I know, you did banish your last professor, but he really was possessed by a dark spirit. Me? Why, I'm just a simple world famous lady killer who is a professional dark creature hunter. Couldn't find a less evil man in the world!" Lockhart grinned, then cackled maniacally, waggling his fingers back and forth in front of his face as he did so. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Me, evil? An utterly ridiculous notion!" With that, Lockhart strode away in a swirl of dark cloak.

"What a capital fellow," Fred said aloud.

George nodded. "Not a bad teacher either."

Hermione groaned and banged her head on the table. "We're doomed!"

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\\\/

 _Authors Note:_

 _Due to the thoughtful and considerate feedback (along with the death threats) I received last chapter concerning who I should ship Harry with, I opened a poll on my profile for people to vote on. If you don't like the choices, please use the reviews to leave your own, thoughtful, considerate feedback (and death threats) concerning a 12 year olds love life._

 _Hugs and kisses (please don't burn me at the stake),_

 _Mugglesftw_

 _The poll ended on April 9th, 2017. For posterity's sake, here are what the options were:_

1\. Fedex (2 votes)

2\. UPS (9 votes)

3\. Borderlinx (0 votes)

4\. DHL (3 votes)

5\. Royal mail (4 votes)

6\. Hedwig, Owl Post (31 votes)

7\. Dobby, House Elf Messenger Service (6 votes)

8\. What the heck?! We meant romance you moron! (19 votes)

 _Why yes, I was just trolling everyone._


	7. Chp 7: am good snek

_Chapter 7: am good snek_

It was a beautiful September day, the sun shining on the great lake, the waters sparkling like diamonds as the wind blew the waves gently on the the shore. The sounds of the lapping water mixed with the cries of naked terror from a young witch perched on top of a broom and clinging to it like it was about to fall out of the sky.

"Oh come on Hermione, you just have to relax!" Ginny called, swooping around the other girl on her broom.

Hermione, for her part, was ashen faced. "B-b-b-b-but the w-w-w-water! I c-c-c-c-ould fall in!"

"Oh, the water's fine, see?" Ginny bent low over her broomstick, diving down and reaching out to with one hand. A wake rose behind her, and Ginny whooped with joy as she shot along the water's surface.

"That's not safe!" Hermione called. "What if something happens?"

Ginny of course, was too far away and making too much noise to hear. Suddenly, a black shape rose out of the water and slapped her, causing Ginny to plummet into the water.

"GINNY!" Hermione screamed, her own panic forgotten. She leaned forward and her broom shot downwards toward the foam and bubbles where her honorary sister had fallen. She hovered over the turbulent water, patting her robes frantically for her wand. Before she could find it, Ginny bobbed up to the surface and sputtered. "Oh thank God," Hermione gasped, reaching down and dragging the soggy girl onto the broom. Thankfully, she wasn't dressed in heavy robes, but a blouse and shorts that were far lighter.

"Bleh! Ugh. Thanks." Ginny shook her head. "Where's my broom?"

Hermione looked around, then spotted it bobbing on the surface a few feet away. "Here!" she flew over, and Ginny scooped it out of the water. With surprising agility, she hopped onto her own broom and took off to hover above Hermione. "You saved me there! And look, you seem to have gotten over your own fears as well!"

Hermione flushed, looking down and realizing that she was flying, and not utterly petrified. "Oh. I guess I did."

Ginny grinned. "Come on, I'm going to go dry off. We can go flying again later."

Hermione didn't notice the two gingers in the reeds shaking hands, nor the wink and wave Ginny sent in their direction.

"Proper prankster, our Gin-Gin," Fred (he was nearly sure he was Fred today) observed.

Probably George nodded. "Now if only we can get Hermione to join in the fun!"

"Well, I'm not entirely convinced she and Harry didn't cook up this whole Evil Lockhart thing as some elaborate prank."

"It is possible, but have you noticed how they squirm whenever he's looking at them?"

"True, true, almost as if they actually think-"

"- a capital fellow like that could be evil!"

Laughing together, Fred and George (whichever was which) trekked back towards the castle to plot their next grand prank.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"I now call to order the first official meeting of the Stop our Professor's Evil Ways, or S.P.E.W., to order," Hermione declared, banging her gavel twice.

"Do I really have to be here?" Ron whispered, looking very uncomfortable as he glanced around the room. He was a bit out of place, though that fact had gone over Harry's head. Every single other student in the room was muggleborn, a half blood with a muggle parent, or had been raised by muggles, like Harry.

"Are you going to support me and Hermione or not?" Harry hissed back.

"Oh, fine. But I'm not wearing the stupid badge in public," Ron grumbled, fingering the gaudy yellow sunburst with SPEW emblazoned in red letters.

"Our first point of order is the oath. Repeat after me. I solemnly swear to oppose all Evil, to do no Evil in my own Defense, and to put an end to our Obviously Evil Professor."

After the oath, Justin Finch-Fletchley of Hufflepuff raised his hand, and was called upon. "Madam President, does that include Professor Snape? He looks pretty evil too."

There were murmurs of agreement, especially from the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs.

Hermione tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Hmm. Well, I suppose it depends. Has Snape ever tried to teach us to do anything evil or trick us into being evil?"

This topic run the course of the entire meeting, with much evidence given on either side. Finally, thanks to Penelope Clearwater, a muggleborn Ravenclaw prefect, pointing out that none of the potions were inherently evil, and could only be used for evil. "After all, can't much the same be said for a gun or a wand? In the end, it is the hand that wields a tool that makes it evil. But animating a corpse by calling upon the souls of the damned? That's just pure evil."

"What's a gun?" Ron asked, before blushing and covering his mouth.

The rest of the students in the room rolled their eyes.

"Pure bloods," Dean said sadly. "They are so ignorant."

"It's not my fault I don't know everything about muggle culture," Ron sulked.

Penelope rolled her eyes. "Wow. Thanks for summing up my experience in the wizarding world to date."

"The matter is settled. Professor Snape is, for now, to be considered not evil, but instead simply lacking in hygiene and manners. Meeting adjourned!" she banged her gavel, and everyone broke up into groups to wander away from their spot in an empty classroom near the dungeons, chatting between themselves happily.

"You lot are mad as march hares," Ron observed, shaking his head. "Thinking someone like Lockhart is evil but Snape isn't? I mean really, talk about missing the bloody obvious."

"It is good to see that your incredible skills of perception are as intact as ever, Mr Weasley," an acid voice observed.

Ron jumped about six feet into the air and nearly cracked his head on the low ceiling. Harry and Hermione turned, regarding Snape with serious expressions.

"Don't worry sir," Harry said. "Ron's just a bit daft because he hasn't been properly exposed to muggles."

Hermione nodded gravely. "Yes, the rest of us agreed that you were clearly just a strict teacher, not evil at all."

"Though we did have to convince some of the first year Gryffindors that being a Slytherin did not automatically make you evil, just potential minion material," Harry said.

Snape's lower left eyelid twitched twice. "I see. And what made you come to this decision?"

"Well sir, you might be harsh, but you don't let anyone get hurt in your class," Harry explained.

"Yes, and you won't let us use any of our potions improperly," Hermione agreed. "If it were Professor Lockhart, he'd be telling us the only real way to understand potions would be to try to off our lab partners with them."

"Shut up before you get us in more trouble!" Ron moaned, trying to edge away from the dark robed potions master.

Snape's dark eyes slid back and forth between Harry and Hermione, ignoring Ron. "So you have decided that I, unkempt and sinister though I am, am not, in fact, evil, because I know how to properly do my job and do, in fact, take my students welfare seriously. Whereas Gilderoy Lockhart, dashingly handsome and with a flair for the dramatic, world renowned monster hunter, who has no interest in doing his job well and seems to view student safety as a challenge to overcome, is, I surmise, the essence of evil?"

"Exactly!" Harry and Hermione said, beaming up at Snape.

"We decided that for you, it was all an act to get us to behave," Harry explained.

"But Lockhart's probably lying about everything and was actually in League with all those dark monsters the whole time," Hermione said darkly. "You know, I think I've found over 873 factual errors in his books already? We're going to have a group discussion on them next week." She held up a SPEW badge. "Would you like to join? We could really use some adult help in taking down this nefarious menace to our education, and immortal souls."

Snape reached out for the badge, and Ron groaned, certain he was going to rip it to shreds and give them all detention. Instead, Snape took it, and pinned it on the lapel of his robe. "Two points to Gryffindor, Mr. Potter-Weasley, Miss Granger-Weasley. For surprisingly sound reasoning and logic for a young pair of magical minds." With that, Snape stalked off deeper into the dungeon.

"Bloody hell. Snape's gone spare too," Ron said, sounding faint.

"I wonder if he had muggle parents?" Harry mused. "That would explain why he knew my mother growing up, she was muggleborn as well."

"You know, I really think this movement is going somewhere!" Hermione declared, flouncing off. "This calls for a celebration!" Ron perked up at that idea. "Let's go to the library and look up ways of defeating dark wizards."

Ron groaned. Ginny had promised she'd help with Hermione's idea of fun!

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/

Tom Riddle was, if he was going to be modest, the brightest, most intelligent, most powerful wizard of his age. NO! Of all time! Through his great skill and cunning, he had crafted a diary and with only a single murder of an ugly girl no one was going to miss anyway, created a complete copy of his **IMMORTAL** **SOUL** BWAHAHAHAHA-

Ehem. That is to say, had transferred a copy his consciousness into a diary that was also the key to his eternal life. Even now, he had within his grasp the power to once more copy himself into living flesh if only THIS I **NSOLENT WRETCH** OF A GIRL WOULD **COOPERATE**!

Instead of wanting to learn about dark magics, how to secure popularity and power, how to influence others, this idiot girl just wanted to natter on about **UTTER NONSENSE.**

 _Dear Tom, what is it like not having a body? Do you itch? What do you do when you have to scratch it?_

 _Dear Tom, I seem to have misplaced my pair of fuzzy pink socks. Do you know where they are?_

 _Dear Tom, what do you think a Crumple Horned Snorkack likes to eat for dessert? I bet they like strawberry cream, it's my favorite._

The sheer impudence of the girl! Here she had access to the most amazing and wondrous mind to have ever been born, and she was treating him like a stupid magic eight ball that he'd taken from one of the wretches at the orphanage! Still, at least she was writing, if not as much as he would have liked. It was so very hard to properly begin to manipulate a mind.

Especially one that was as barmy as this girls. And here Tom had thought Dumbledore was odd. He was practically boring compared this bird.

Still, in addition to being charming, handsome, and intelligent, Tom was also patient. And he could wait.

He was looking forward to sucking the life from this witches bones, if only because she was so irritating.

 _Dear Tom, did you lose your mother too? Does the pain ever really go away? I'm still scared sometimes. Will the nightmares ever go away?_

 _Dear Tom, did you ever have trouble making friends? No one ever wants to talk to me, and all the other students won't sit with me at meals. I act like it doesn't hurt when they make fun of me, but it really does._

 _Dear Tom, what do you do when your father doesn't seem to remember you exist? Since mum died, I can't remember the last time he said he loved me or hugged me. Sometimes I wish I was a magical animal so he'd be more interested in me._

See? Utter banality.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/

Halloween came before anyone even realized it, and once again the Weasley gang celebrated in high style. Hermione, Harry having admitted to her he'd always secretly wanted to dress up for Halloween, organized a costume showdown, with everyone working furiously on their costumes. Percy ended up going as a extremely accurate (and in everyone else's opinion, highly boring) Ulick Gamp, complete with period wig and ruffles. He received two votes; one from Harry, who was still Percy's new favorite brother, and one from Hermione, who actually thought his costume was extremely clever.

Fred and George did a double costume as a chimera, which they had sewn together out of old robes. It was a bit patchy, but they did have flapping wings. The highlight though was two potions they'd invented that allowed one of them to breath fire and the other to spit acid. After Percy extinguished the fire and made the twins clean up the unholy mess they'd made of the desk they'd spat acid at, everyone but Hermione and Percy agreed they had an excellent costume, earning them three votes.

Ginny dressed in a replica uniform of the Holyhead Harpies that she'd secretly had her mother make for her last summer, complete with her own number and name. It had been a bit small on her now, but Mrs. Weasley had helpfully enlarged it before sending it off to school upon request. She also hovered on her broom a bit, but the empty classroom they were using was too small for any really interesting maneuvering. Percy was unimpressed, but everyone else thought it was an excellent costume and gave Ginny their vote, earning her five points.

Ron, being an imaginative and creative sort, had dressed up as Godric Gryffindor. It mostly consisted of a wooden sword he'd made with Hagrid's help, and he lept about the improvised stage, shouting and slaying foes with a replica sorting hat on his head. However, it looked like so much fun that Fred and George conjured wooden swords for everyone, and an impromptu mock battle was held on stage that even Percy participated in. In the end, everyone agreed they'd vanquished the Slytherins. Ron, however, only got four points because Ginny was sore at him because he'd whacked her upside the head in the battle, and Hermione said she couldn't give such a low effort costume her ballot. He took it in good stride however, rather pleased that his brothers had all enjoyed themselves so much.

For Hermione's turn, she had enchanted a crystal necklace to glow, made some long, pointed ears, had Ginny help her do her hair up in a very fancy braid down her back, and enchanted a gown to ripple like it was made of puddled moonlight. "Who are you?" Ron demanded, his eyes going slightly wide as he gapped at Hermione in her costume.

" _Im am Arwen Undómiel, -iel -o Eldrond Halfelven, i evening tinu,_ " Hermione replied in a singsong voice. When everyone just gaped at her, Hermione sighed. "I am Arawen Undomiel, daughter of Eldrond Halfelven, the Evening Star." That also failed to get a reaction out of anyone. "Oh come on, you have to have heard of Arawen! She's the bride of Aragorn Elessar, King of Gondor. You know, from Lord of the Rings?" Crickets. "I'm a pretty elf from a story I love to read."

"Oohhhhh," everyone else said. Hermione got the full six votes. Despite the fact that her honorary family were a bunch of orcs.

Harry disappeared for a bit to put on his costume, needing Hermione's help to change into it. She came back out, cast a nox charm, and produced a record she placed on a magical player. After a moment, a crashing orchestral piece sounded, and then a dark shape loomed in the shadows. An odd, raspy breathing could be heard, and there were cries of appreciation from the audience. Then Harry muttered, "lumos" under the breathing, and his wand illuminated in the special red glass tube he and Hermione had constructed. In the glowing red light a black armored figure with a skeletal face appeared.

"I have you now," Harry rasped, clenching his gauntleted fist. Hermione made appropriate choking noises and clawed at her throat. "You are no match for the power of the dark side!" Harry laughed, his voice distorted by the spell he and Hermione had devised.

"No, stop, what are you doing!" A half panicked Ron cried. He lifted his wand and pointed it at Harry, trembling. "You're evil, how'd you turn evil! Where's Harry!"

Hermione's choking quickly turned into laughter. Darth Harry removed his helmet and grinned. "No, see, I'm Darth Vader. He's a villain in some muggle movies. Pretty good, eh? Oh, sorry, still sound evil. Finite! There, that's better."

"I have to admit, with that armor and cloak and that red sword thing, you do look pretty evil," Percy mused. "An excellent costume."

"Love the prank," Fred added.

George nodded, grinning broadly. "Ickle Ronnikins almost pissed himself!"

"Did not!" Protested Ron. "But it was a good costume mate."

"I liked it. Nice and scary. You should wear it to the feast!" Ginny said.

"Speaking of which, we really should be going, we're late as it is," Percy said.

Even Fred and George went out in their costume, though they had to rip it in half so that they didn't need to waddle along together.

"Easy enough to fix."

"Just a little wandwork."

As they trooped through the hall though, Harry suddenly took off his helmet and shut off the small valve that was making the breathing noises. "Shh. Do you hear that?"

 _I am darkness_

 _I am snek_

 _I boops the mudbloods_

 _Such petrifying, very wow_

"Something's talking in the walls," Harry said, tilting his head to the side.

"Probably just a ghost," Fred said, slapping Harry on the back. "Ignore it, they like to spook you on Halloween."

Somewhat mollified, Harry continued on, despite the fact that the sinister murmurs were getting louder, and rather frightening him.

 _Very hungry_

 _Snek needs foods_

 _Is teh kittehs foods?_

 _Aww. Kittehs petrified, no foods_

 _Supreme Danger Noodle Awwwaaaaayyyy!_

"Alright Harry?" Percy said, pausing to wait for his youngest brother.

Harry shuddered. "It's those ghosts whispers. They're really odd."

Cocking his head to one side, Percy frowned. "I can't hear anything, except for dripping water. Are you sure you hear a voice?"

"Yeah, it's talking about killing and eating something. I think. I don't know, it's very strange," Harry said, shuddering slightly. He put his helmet back on. "Maybe this will block it out."

Percy nodded, but looked concerned. If Harry was hearing voices, that wasn't a good sign.

"Dammit George, someone beat us to it!"

"Oh bloody hell," Percy swore, and broke into a run. Up ahead, their siblings were all standing in front of a large puddle of water, above which hung a perfectly still Mrs. Norris, the bane of Fred and George's existence.

"Think it was Peeves?" Fred wondered aloud.

"Nah, he'd have let us in on it if he had a plan."

"Look!" Ginny said, pointing to the side. Crimson letters could be seen.

"Enemies of the heir beware," Hermione read, her voice still taking on the singsong lilt of her costume. "The Chamber of Secrets has been opened."

"Beware of what though?" Ron said, scratching his forehead with his wooden sword.

"You little maggots!" Everyone jumped and whirled to see Argus Filch, his face red with rage storming towards them. "Oh, I've got you now. They'll HAVE to let me lock you in irons for a week! What have you done to my cat?"

"Sadly, we cannot take credit for this particular bit of brilliance," George said, sounding wistful.

Fred nodded sagely. "Sorry Filcher, love to take the credit, but we didn't do the work."

"You lying ugly weasels!" Filch roared, leaping towards the twins.

Percy stepped in the way, holding out a calming hand. "Sir, please, calm down. I've been with these two the entire night at a family event. They're entirely innocent. Well, of this anyway."

"I'll have them on the rack! We'll see if they don't confess once we add an inch or two!" Filch howled, trying to force Percy aside.

"Leave them alone you horrid old codger!" Ginny shrieked, kicking at Filch when he tried to grab at the grinning twins.

The door to the Great Hall burst open, those inside having heard the commotion. There was a sudden gasp.

"Darth Vader is real?!"

That brought Filch up short, and he turned to stare at Harry, who promptly turned on his respirator. "What's this nonsense then? Where's your uniforms?" Filch demanded, stalking toward Harry now.

Harry lit his wand again and held up his hand. "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

There was a cheer from the muggleborn students, the sight of the crimson letters and the petrified cat forgotten at the sight of a miniature Darth Vader confronting the hated caretaker.

"That is not what I find disturbing," Professor Dumbledore said as he strode forward, frowning at the cat and the letters. "Harry, what are you doing?"

"The Weasley's have killed my cat!" Filch cried, pointing up at Mrs. Norris.

"No we didn't," Ginny said, glaring up at Filch. "We didn't do anything to your stupid cat."

"Sort of wish we had though," Fred and George said together.

Draco peeked in, drawn by the commotion. Spotting the words, he let out a cry. "Ha! You Weasleys will be next! You're all blood traitors!"

"You are a part of the Rebel Alliance and a Traitor!" Harry said, pointing his glowing lightsaber wand at Draco, who backed off, looking completely baffled.

"Enough!" Dumbledore snapped. "The cat is not dead, but petrified. The feast is over. Everyone, return to your dorms at once."

"But we haven't had supper!" Ron said, looking very mournful. "We were just having a costume contest and were a bit late."

Harry yanked off his mask. "Yeah professor Dumbledore we-, oh sorry, let me turn that off. We were just having some fun and we found the cat. Surely we can still eat?"

"Not tonight," Dumbledore said firmly. "The kitchen staff will send food up to all the dormitories for those still hungry. Now, away with you all."

There were groans of disappointment, but several muggleborn students came up to Harry, begging him to let them touch his lightsaber. All in all, no one took things very seriously. And no one noticed that Luna Lovegood was wandering through the whole thing, barefoot and coated in stray feathers with blood stained fingertips. After all, she was Loony Lovegood. If even the Weasleys were dressing oddly that night, who was going to care about Luna?

And that was the problem. No one did.

 _Authors Note:_

 _A special thanks to Avaday_Daydream and the denizens of reddit and /r/hpfanfiction for inspiring snek basilisk, the Supreme Danger Noodle._


	8. Chp 8: Rolled a 1 on your Perception

_Chapter 8: Rolled a 1 on that Perception check_

Number 4 Privet drive had, at one point, been entirely normal. The hedge had been trimmed exactly right, the garden had been lovely, and lawn well maintained. Now, it was an overgrown wreck. Normally, the neighbors would have complained about it, but they were so thoroughly enjoying the slow spiral into insanity that was plaguing Vernon and Petunia Dursley that no one had so far.

"Those little ruddy bastards," Vernon panted, polishing his shotgun. "One of them peeks his head up, I'm ready. Oh yes, I'm ready. I'll blow it off, oh yes I will. Unnatural little creatures, no right to be here! It's That Boy's fault. It has to be! Oh, I'll fix them, I'll fix them all, oh yes."

For her part, Petunia had taken to trying to get a picture of the gnomes so that the exterminators would stop laughing every time she called. "Look lady, if your garden is infested with foul mouthed little men, maybe you should kick the kids out and tell your husband to stop swearing at them, alright?"

There was a rustle in the grass, and Veron swung his shotgun, ready to blast away. There was a sound like snapping fingers, and the shotgun floated away, out of Vernon's hands. "No! Get back here! I will not tolerate this! There will be no unnaturalness in this house! Get back here right now!"

Shaking his head, Dobby snuck past the red bellowing muggle who was lecturing his firearm. Dobby wanted nothing to do with Harry Potter's mad relatives.

"Oh great master, are you still here?" Dobby whispered as he approached the magic box.

The fat boy infront of it grunted and stirred, empty snack wrappers falling off his massive belly. "What?"

"Oh, it is good to be seeing you is safe sirs!" Dobby cried, rushing forward and embracing the fat boy. For his part, the fat boy seemed utterly perplexed by this.

"Dobby was making you some treats sir, since yous was not going back to awful Hogwarts where elves are cooking the most wonderful meals!" With a snap of his fingers, Dobby brought forth a spectacular chocolate cake.

Dudley Dursley grunted and began to eat. After a moment, he paused and eyes the odd little creature, his face coated with chocolate frosting. "Thanks. This is, um, good. Very nice. Thanks." Then he went back to stuffing himself.

"The Great Master Sir is complimenting Dobby's cooking! Oh, happy day!" Dobby sighed, clutched his chest, and vanished. Dudley just want back to eating his cake, while his father continued to yell at his firearm, which by now was floating away over the hedge.

/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

"I officially call this meeting of SPEW to order," Hermione declared banging her gavel.

Ron raised his hand, and Hermione nodded to him. "So are we really going with SPEW as a name? It's pretty awful."

Hermione sniffed and stuck her nose in the air. "I don't recall you offering any better ideas when we were brainstorming, Ronald."

"I think it fits," Penelope said. "Lockhart makes me want to spew."

"All in favor of keeping the name SPEW?" Hermione said. Everyone but Ron raised their hand. "All opposed?" Ron raised his hand, looked around, then muttered something under his breath and lowered it.

"Very good. Now, as our primary mission is to stop the nefarious schemes of Gilderoy Lockhart, alias Evil McEvilstein, we must begin to take action. What has been happening in classes of late?"

"We've been working on fighting off possession," Penelope said. "By trying to possess each other."

"It's a perfectly reasonable technique, even Professor Dumbledore thought it was clever!" Ron protested.

"No offense Ron, but Dumbledore is clearly is mad as a hatter," Dean said.

"Well yeah, but he's still a great man," Ron grumbled.

"I think we could gather evidence!" Colin Creevy offered, holding up his camera. "I could take pictures!"

Hermione beamed. "An excellent proposition! All in favor of appointing Colin Creevy official club documentary of nefarious deeds?"

Everyone raised their hands again, even Ron, who figured if Colin was bugging Professor Lockhart, he couldn't bother Ron.

"Now you have to be sneaky about this," Harry said. He reached into his bag and pulled out a blank piece of parchment. "I solemnly swear I am up to no good," Harry recited, and tapped the parchment. Immediately, it unfolded into a detailed map of Hogwarts.

"Harry, that's a family secret!" Ron protested.

Hermione and Harry both glared at Ron. "And what are we, chopped liver?"

"Well, Penny and Colin and Justin and Dean aren't family," Ron grumbled.

Penelope raised an eyebrow at Ron. "You really haven't been paying attention to what Percy and I have been doing lately, have you?"

"What's Percy got to do with this?" Ron asked.

"Never mind," Penelope said. She peered at the map. "Oh, nice, it even shows people's location and names!"

"Fred and George loaned it to me since I told them we'd be using it to prank Lockhart," Harry explained. "It's called the Marauder's map."

After a few minutes, the group found Lockhart in the teacher's lounge. "Right, Colin, you and Justin go spy on Lockhart. Take pictures if he does anything even slightly evil," Hermione ordered.

"What if he twirls his moustache?" Justin asked.

"That's definitely evil," Dean said. "Take a picture for evidence."

"What if they get in trouble?" Ron asked, watching as the two other boys left.

"My word, Ronald Weasley, are you really developing a sense of what the rules are?" Hermione demanded.

Ron flushed. "Well, it's just, Lockhart's classes are actually really interesting, especially compared to Sleepy the Wonder Turbans. I don't want them to get canceled because I like them."

"Do not fall to the allure of the Dark Side," Harry advised.

"What is this Dark Side stuff you keep going on about Harry?" Ron demanded.

"It is the force," Penelope said in a slightly mystical tone.

"The force?"

"The force is what gives a Jedi her power," Hermione said.

Harry nodded. "It is an energy field created by all living things."

"It surrounds us and penetrates us," Dean said, struggling to keep a straight face.

"It binds the galaxy together," Penelope finished, and all four of them dissolved into giggles.

Ron looked back and forth between his friends, then scowled. "You're mental. The lot of you."

A few days later was the first quidditch match of the season. Once again, Ron won the coin flip. This time, he was actually fairly excited. "I didn't do too badly as seeker last year," he observed. "And the Slytherin team has Malfoy for a seeker. He just bought his way onto the team. Buying all the Slytherins those brooms was cheating."

"Good luck," Ginny said, handing Ron his broom. "We'll all be rooting for you Ron."

The game itself lasted over an hour, but in the end it came down to Malfoy against Ron. Ron spotted the snitch first, hovering towards the Slytherin goal posts, and took off, accelerating as fast as his Nimbus 2000 could handle. He was urged on by the cheers of his family, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny all waving signs that read "Weasley's are the Kings!"

After taking his finger out of his nose, Malfoy realized Ron had seen the snitch and moved to intercept. His Nimbus 2001 was slightly faster, and his starting point was a bit closer. The two chasers barreled forward, but Ron's heart sank. Malfoy's broom was simply t better than his, and he had the right angle. He'd never get there in time.

Taking the opportunity to taunt his foe, Malfoy turned his head around to shout, "Too bad Weasley, maybe next time your family will realize spending money on you is just a URK-"

A bludger smashed into Draco's shoulder, sending him careening off to the side. He recovered quickly, but by the time he righted himself Ron was right on top of the snitch. Instead of taunting Draco as he desperately wanted to, Ron simply focused on his goal. He could sense Draco closing in, but Ron reached out, snatching the snitch out of air while Draco was still 10 feet away. A gong sounded to signal the end of the match, and the score rolled over: Slytherin 260, Gryffindor 310.

Ron cheered and flew his broom right over to the stands, tossing the snitch to Ginny. "Here's a souvenir Gin-Gin! A real Hogwarts snitch!"

Then Ron was tackled out of the air by Oliver Wood, how had tears streaming down his face. "I love you!" Oliver wept. "Another 20 minutes and the snakes would have taken the lead!"

"Woah, ease off there Ollie," Fred and George chorused, catching the two other boys before they could crash.

"Yeah, in case you haven't noticed, Ron's a bloke."

"Not to mention he's only 12."

"I don't care, if he wins us the cup again I'll marry him," Olliver vowed.

Ron turned to Fred and George, his expression grim. "Well, that's it boys, we'll have to throw the cup."

When the twins nodded, Oliver let out a cry of panic. "No, don't, I was kidding, I'll do anything, whatever you want!"

"Promise to never try to snog me," Ron laughed. "And maybe I'll let Ginny have a go next time. Maybe she'll let you marry her."

"I think Ollie here really just wants to marry the quidditch cup," Fred said.

"Well yes, but I was told that wasn't strictly legal," Olliver admitted.

After the match, everyone was celebrating in the Gryffindor common room.

"Hey, where's Colin and his camera? He should get a picture of me and the snitch!" Ron shouted, thrusting the golden ball into the air.

"He's off collecting evidence, Lockhart was sneaking about," Harry said.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Bloody brilliant. The one time something worth taking a picture of happens he's off scarpering about after your Lockhart nonsense. Admit it Harry, he's not evil."

About twenty minutes later, McGonagall strode into the common room. "The party is over. Everyone to their beds immediately. Do not leave the dormitories until you are told it is safe to do so."

"What's happened?" Hermione asked.

McGonagall shook her head. "Colin Creevy and Justin Finch-Fletchley have been found petrified, and new markings have been made over their bodies. They proclaim that the Chamber of Secrets has been opened once again."

"I knew it!" Harry shouted, surging to his feet. "It was Lockhart! Lockhart petrified Colin and Justin for trying to prove he's evil!"

"That is nonsense Mr. Weasley," McGonagall snapped. "Professor Lockhart would never harm his students. Now to bed, all of you."

There were a lot of grumbles, but once McGonagall was gone Hermione snuck into Harry's dorm.

"What are you doing here?" Ron demanded. "I could have been starkers!"

"Are you?" Hermione asked.

"Well no, but I could have been!"

"Ronald, be serious. This is important. Harry, Dean, you know what this means."

Harry and Dean nodded. "Yes, Justin and Colin must have uncovered something about Lockhart, so he petrified them. We have to hurry, before Lockhart can finish his nefarious plan and petrify the entire student body!"

"You're all mental," Ron groaned, flopping onto his bed and closing the curtains.

"We'll have to start doing some research to figure out how Lockhart is petrifying everyone," Hermione said, laying out a few books. "Harry, I want you to keep a watch on Lockhart with the map. We'll use it to plot his movements and discover just what he's up to."

"Right," Harry agreed. "Should we use the invisibility cloak to spy on him?"

Hermione tapped her chin, then shook her head. "Not yet. If he's really petrifying SPEW members we'll have to be more careful. I don't think an invisibility cloak will protect us from that."

"Wait, we have an invisibility cloak?" Dean demanded. When Harry showed it to him, the other boy's eyes popped. "Oh man, we could do so many awesome things with that!"

"LIke what?" Harry asked.

"I dunno. I've always heard that you're supposed to sneak into the girl's toilet with one, but I don't see the appeal."

"Do it and I'll have your bits," Hermione growled.

"And here I thought it was Lockhart who was supposed to be evil," Dean lamented.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Not long after, it was announced the Professor Lockhart and Professor Snape would be hosting the first Hogwarts Dueling club.

"Because the best way to learn to defend yourself is by trying to murder each other," Hermione said when she heard.

Harry nodded seriously, but Ron just groaned. "Look, I'm going because getting to hex Malfoy sounds like fun. This isn't evil, it's actually a Hogwarts tradition. Percy just says that the Defense professors have been too rubbish to try until now."

"Ron, he's just trying to get us all together so he can petrify us and enact his evil plan!" Harry said.

"What evil plan? To teach us to fight so we could beat him if he did petrify us? Seriously, Harry, Hermione, talk sense."

In the end, Hermione and Harry did come, if only to keep Ron from getting killed by Malfoy.

"Welcome, my children, to the first Hogwarts Dueling Club!" Lockhart said, swishing his cape as he strutted about the raised stage in the great hall. "Here you will learn the fine art of the duel! The swish of the wand, the flash of the spell, the fall of your opponent! Ah, sweetness. Do not attempt to curb your more vicious instincts while in the arena. Instead, harness them! Give in to your passions, and ride them to victory."

"Come to the Dark Side, we have biscuits," Harry muttered.

Hermione and Dean giggled, Ron just glared at Harry.

"To assist me, Severus Snape has agreed to help with a demonstration duel," Lockhart declared, grinning and twirling his mustache.

From the shadows, Snape emerged, his unkempt hair and beaky nose a sharp contrast to Lockhart's slick hair and waxed mustache. The two professors bowed to each other, and the students stepped back, whispering to each other.

"Kick his ass sir!" Dean called.

"Who are you rooting for?" Harry asked.

Dean shrugged. "Honestly I don't know. Snape might not be evil, but he is a greasy git."

Even Hermione didn't argue with that.

What followed was an intense display of magical prowess. Snape opened with a disarming charm, but Lockhart batted it aside and fired off a barrage of stunners and bludgeoning curses. Snape created an impressive shield to deflect them, but then appeared on both sides of it and began casting a volley of his own offensive spells. Dodging aside, Lockhart threw a collection of bones down and animated a swarm of zombie rats, which rushed forward to overwhelm to potions master. The two copies faded and Snape's shield burst asunder with a deafening boom, shattering the horde of animated corpses. The blast buffeted Lockhart, who created his own shield, then shot his own stunners and jinxes back at Snape. The potions master lept into the air on a gust of wind, conjuring fire and ice to hurl at his foe. Lockhart raised an earthen wall, then shot clods of earth from it at the still airborn Snape. Snape suddenly dropped, avoiding the assault, then created a wave of crackling lightning that destroyed Lockhart's barrier, showering the entire hall in dirt.

"Hold!" Lockhart said, flicking a bit of dirt off his cape. He gave Snape a knowing grin. "Your reputation precedes you, my hygiene impaired friend. A most impressive display. I would like to continue it, but a fear if we were to get truly creative, our students would never survive."

Snape bowed his head, sneering. "Very well. If you do not think yourself able to continue, I will allow you to withdraw.."

"Ha! A good joke, Severus. Lockhart never withdraws! Still, it is for the children. Now! Let me show you the two spells I want you to focus on. The first is the disarming charm, which professor Snape helpfully demonstrated. Expelliarmus! A very good way to put your foe at your mercy. The second is the shielding charm. Protego! While I personally eskew defense over offense, as beginners it is a decent enough way to start. Pair off and begin!"

Harry ended up dueling Dean, while Hermione and Ron went at it. Most of the students couldn't manage either the disarming charm or the shield charm, and instead merrily blasted away with school yard jinxes and hexes like the bat bogey hex or leg locker curse. Harry and Dean were soon down, Harry laughing from a tickling charm and Dean swearing as his legs frantically danced from Harry's tap dancing jinx. After 20 minutes of mayhem, Lockhart called them all back to order.

"Yes, yes, very good, very good. Now, shall we have a demonstration? Let us see. Professor Snape, any recommendations?"

"Malfoy isn't completely hopeless," Snape offered. Draco happily clambered up on stage, grinning evilly at the thought of new victims to torment.

"Hmm, hmm, ah, you! Weasley! Come up here. No, no, female Weasley. The OTHER female Weasley. No, I meant her. Look, the one who actually has red hair, alright? Yes, thank you."

Ginny happily got up on stage and grinned sweetly at Malfoy. "Hope you like the taste of bat bogeys."

Malfoy just sneered back. The two assumed their stances. " _Serpensortia_!" Draco bellowed at the same time as Ginny shouted, " _Vespertilio mucosis!_ "

A snake sprang from Malfoy's wand and slithered towards Ginny, its tongue flickering in and out. Draco was down though, large slimy creatures flying from his nose to flit about the room.

"Mmm, tasty ginger, want to eat," the snake hissed.

"Hey, leave off my sister. No biting," Harry snapped at the snake.

The snake paused and glanced at Harry. "Not even little bit of booping ginger?"

"If you're going to bite someone, go bite Lockhart. He's evil."

"Ooo, sounds tasty," the snake said, and immediately changed directions to go after Lockhart.

Unfortunately, Lockhart was prepared. " _Exsilium_!" the snake vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Harry, what were you doing?" Ginny asked, peering down at Harry. "Why were you making those funny hissing noises at the snake?"

"It told it to leave off of you and go bite Lockhart," Harry explained.

Ginny rolled her eyes. "You're not still on about him being evil, are you? This is getting old Harry, Lockhart is obviously-"

"Well, well, well. Mr. Potter. A most interesting display. A parselmouth, are you? Trying to get the snake to leave your sister alone? Fascinating, a most excellent talent. Some would consider it dark, but personally, I would just say that it makes you...differently gifted," Lockhart said, flashing his teeth and twirling his mustache.

"Harry's a parselmouth!" someone shouted. "He tried to make the snake bite his sister! He's evil-OW! Ah, ah the bat bogeys!"

"Prat," Ginny said, lowering her wand. She glared around the room. "Obviously, Harry did not make the snake try to bite me. He sicked it on Lockhart, because for some reason he thinks Lockhart is evil."

"Me? Evil? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Perish the thought." Lockhart strode away, swishing his cape as he did so.

"So evil," Dean muttered.

"Harry, we need to talk to you," Fred said, putting his hand on Harry's shoulder.

George nodded. "Now."

They hauled Harry outside of the Great Hall, pressing him up against the wall.

"Tell us the truth, Harrykins."

"Can you, our brother, talk to snakes?"

Harry looked back and forth and the grim faced twins. "Well, yeah, I can, I mean, I just did. It wasn't on purpose, honest. I'm not evil or going dark."

The twins suddenly grinned broadly. "What?"

"We don't care about that Harry me lad."

"We want you to talk to some snakes for us."

"Get them to go into the prefects bathroom."

"Preferably while Princess Perse is taking a shower."

"We'll be standing by with a camera."

"This is simply too good a chance to pass up."

Hermione and Ron ran up, and Hermione shoved the twins away from Harry. "Leave him alone! He was trying to save Ginny, not hurt her."

"Obviously," the twins chorused.

"You're not lecturing Harry about the dangers of Parselmouth?" Ron said, looking back and forth between his brothers suspiciously.

"Sweet Merlin no!"

"We're just trying to get him to help us."

"Talk to a few snakes."

"Get them in some interesting places."

"Ooo, like in the Greenhouse. Professor Sprout hates them!"

"And can you get a few to infest Flitwick's desk? He'd jump right out of his skin!"

"I'll think about it," Harry promised. "But I'm not pranking Percy in the shower. At least not here. Maybe when we get home."

"We'll hold you to that!" And with that, the twins were off.

"Somehow I feel like we're missing something," Hermione said, frowning at the departing terrors.

Ron shrugged. "Yeah, like the fact that Lockhart is clearly not evil."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"There goes that voice again," Harry said, frowning at the walls.

 _Bad noisy chicken, no like_

 _Much venom, very bite_

 _Sneaky snek is best snek_

"You know I'm starting to think you're more than a bit mental, Harry," Ginny said. "First you drag Ron and I into this stupid hunt after Lockhart's supposed nefarious plan, then you keep going on about the voices in the walls. Oh, hi Luna."

The young Ravenclaw froze, slowly turning around and smiling at Ginny and Harry as they passed.

"Yes, hello, I am Luna Lovegood, first year Ravenclaw and not a dark lord enacting any evil plans. How are you?"

"What's with the dead rooster Luna?" Harry asked, frowning at the younger girl.

She immediately hid the rooster behind her back. "Nothing! I am not up to any evil plans with this rooster."

"Did Professor Lockhart put you up to this? Is he making you perform some dark ritual?" Harry demanded.

"Oh come on Harry, that's just stupid. I'm sure Luna has a perfectly good reason to be carrying around a dead rooster. Maybe Lockhart gave it to her for homework."

"It was Lockhart," Luna said, her eyes darting everywhere. "Yes. Definitely this Lockhart. He is up to no good. He killed the rooster. I was er, going to bury it. Properly, far away, where it can never crow again."

"I knew it!" Harry said, slamming his fist into his palm. "Where is Lockhart, Luna? We'll catch him red handed this time!"

Luna blinked, as if she hadn't expected Harry to believe her. She pointed. "Oh, um, that way, somewhere."

"Thanks Luna!" Harry ran off, followed by an annoyed Ginny. A short time later, they ran into Penelope and Percy, who were coming out of a broom closet together.

"Oh! Um, hi," Percy said, sounding very flustered.

"Harry!" Penelope gasped. "What, um, what are you and Ginny doing here?"

"Penny, there's no time," Harry panted. He pulled out the marauder's map. "Lockharts up to something. He's killing off roosters. Look, here he is. You and Percy go spy on him, try not to get caught. We'll go get Professor Snape so we have an adult witness."

Penny and Percy exchanged glances, then hurriedly nodded. "Yes, we will do that!"

"Just don't let him see you!" Harry urged.

Penelope reached into her pocket and pulled out a hand mirror. "We'll use this to peek around corners, make sure he can't see us."

The two prefects hurried off, and Harry grabbed Ginny and started running for the dungeons.

"Harry, did you see them!" Ginny demanded. "They were up to something!"

"Penny's been helping us spy on Professor Lockhart, she must have gotten Percy to help her," Harry explained.

Ginny snorted. "You think they were spying from inside of that broom cupboard?"

"Well obviously, what else would they have been doing? Now come on, we have to hurry!"

Harry slammed open the potions classroom door, practically tripping over himself as he rushed inside. "Professor Snape!" he gasped. "Professor Lockhart is enacting his nefarious plan! He's, um. Oh. Er, hi everyone."

All the seventh year NEWT students studied Harry, a few of them bobbing their heads in greeting. Most of them just scowled; the class was heavy on the Slytherins and after the Weasley's had trounced them in the quidditch match, Harry and Ginny were not popular with the Slytherin crowd.

"Mr. Weasley, do you make a habit of bursting into classrooms where you do not belong uninvited?" Snape asked in an acid tone.

"But, but Lockhart!" Harry stammered.

Ginny grabbed Harry's arm and started hauling him away. "Sorry Professor Snape sir, Harry's gone a bit mental. I'll just take my brother up to the hospital wing and have him checked out. He just found Luna with a rooster that Lockhart had killed and figured that he was doing some dark ritual."

Snape grunted. "Lockhart is an annoying twit. He is not, in fact, evil, despite how irritating some may find him. Twenty points from Gryffindor, Mr. Weasley. See that this does not happen again."

"We're doomed!" Harry groaned. "Who else could we turn to? Only Snape has ever actually fought Lockhart!"

"Come on, let's go find Penny and Percy. Then maybe you'll get over this stupid Lockhart is evil nonsense," Ginny said, dragging Harry away.

They marched up through the castle, until they found Professor Lockhart standing beside Penny and Percy, circling them while he twirled his mustache, a rooster in the crook of his arm.

"Get away from them!" Harry cried, rushing forward.

Lockhart paused, his cape fluttering dramatically in the breeze that seemed to follow him everywhere. He held out his hand, palm facing Harry and Ginny. "Stop! Do not approach! You meddle in forces you do not understand, young Weasleys."

Harry and Ginny skidded to a halt, and Ginny inhaled sharply. "Percy, Penelope! Oh, Harry, they're petrified!"

"You monster!" Harry screamed, balling his fists and trying to rush Lockhart. Ginny grabbed him though, holding Harry back from the menacing defense professor.

"Be quiet, fool. I found your sibling and his lover in this state," Lockhart snapped, letting go of the rooster, which fluttered away. "If you had not interrupted me, perhaps I would have been able confront the source of the curse and banish it once and for all!"

"You don't need to investigate, it was you! You petrified them!" Harry screamed, trying to draw his wand. "I'll kill you!"

Lockhart lept forward, seizing Harry's wand. Harry and Ginny both fell back, gazing up at Lockhart in pure terror. "Do you think that, I Gilderoy Lockhart, world renowned monster hunter and vanquisher of evil, am responsible for petrifying two of my own students?!"

Harry swallowed and looked at Ginny. She was pale, but nodded. "I think you were right Harry. He is evil!"

"Fools! Simpletons! You know not of what you speak!" Lockhart dropped Harry's wand onto the floor. "Interfere in my business not again, young Weasleys. For I believe the game is afoot, and I, Gilderoy Lockhart, will tolerate no interruptions upon my hunt!" With that, Lockhart drew his wand and strode away, his cape swirling behind him.

Once the Defense Professor had gone, Harry and Ginny scrambled up, hurrying over to Percy and Penelope. They were both looking into the cracked hand mirror, peering around a corner. They both had terrified expressions on their faces, but no matter how much Harry and Ginny shouted and hugged at them, neither moved.

Eventually, Professor McGonagall found Harry and Ginny, and had Percy and Penelope carted off to the hospital wing. She took Harry and Ginny there as well, and had them doused with calming draughts.

"It was Professor Lockhart," Harry babbled as Madam Pomfrey tried to force the potion down his throat. "He petrified Percy and Penny for trying to disrupt his evil ritual!"

"Nonsense," Madam Pomfrey grunted, finally getting Harry to drink the potion.

"He's evil," Ginny said in a perfectly calm voice. "I was wrong, and Harry was right. It was Lockhart this whole time."

McGonagall forced Harry and Ginny to lay back, shaking her head. "I think the two of you have just had a very traumatic experience. While we will get to the bottom of these petrifications, there is no possible way professor Lockhart could be behind all of them. Even now, he is working tirelessly to catch the culprit and bring them to justice. Now the two of you rest here for the night. In the morning, you'll think better of it."


	9. Chp 9: Riddle Me This

_Chapter 9: Riddle Me This_

Something was wrong. Luna knew that she was occasionally a bit spacey, and had a tendency to wander and drift off. However, she did not normally find herself disposing of the corpses of roosters in the dead of night. Tom had only asked to borrow her body, but when she asked him what he had done, he was evasive. It worried Luna a bit, but she couldn't bear to deny her one and only friend.

At one point, Luna would have written her mother and asked her for help. But her mother was dead, buried in the orchard behind her house. She thought about writing her father, but knew that he wouldn't be any help. The only person left to turn to was Tom. None of the other Ravenclaws were her friends, and Ginny who had once been close to her instead spent all her time with her new friends in Gryffindor or her brothers and honorary sister.

So instead, Luna wrote in her diary, pouring out her soul to Tom. He was kind and comforting, though a little condescending. At least he cared. At least he listened. He even asked about Nargles and heliopaths and how Luna was feeling. No one else had. No one else cared. So Luna stayed in her dorm, and wrote. If she felt a little odd or a little cold, she had not really felt right since her mother had died, and Luna had found her dead on the lab floor.

And Tom was always happy to write back.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

"Alright, this Weasley family meeting is officially called to order," Fred said. He was definitely Fred, as he and George both had dropped the act, and were looking deadly serious.

Around the table sat Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, Fred, and George. They were in yet another abandoned classroom, and had come prepared with both the map and cloak, as well as a stockpile of explosives Fred and George had.

"First, we owe Harry and Hermione an apology," George said. "You two were right. Lockhart is an evil, evil bastard, and we've got to stop him."

"Sorry," Ron said, looking down and feeling very ashamed. Ginny nodded, her cheeks still red and puffy.

"Right," George said, taking over. "Now that Percy is out of commission, we've got to be more cautious. No more sneaking around alone. From now on, we move as a group. If we get the chance, we do the same thing to Lockhart that we did to Sleepy the Wonder Turban."

"What is that, exactly?" Hermione asked.

Fred and George nodded to the impressive pile of fireworks in the corner. Everyone else made appreciative noises.

Hermione tapped her chin. "When can we strike though? Lockhart always has students following him around, and if we do it in his chambers he might have some horrible trap planned."

"We'll use the map," Harry said, pulling it over.

Ron nodded. "Yeah. And we can use the cloak to make sure he doesn't spot us sneaking up on him."

"Whatever you do, don't get caught," Fred said.

George nodded. "One petrified Weasley is all we need. Mums already gone barmy since Percy's been petrified. It happens to one of you lot, and she'll storm the castle herself."

That evening however, the groups plans came crashing down. Dean Thomas was found petrified, and a new bloody warning was scrawled onto the wall.

"Her Body will Lie in the Chamber Forever."

After a headcount, it was realized that Luna Lovegood was missing.

"The time has come!" declared Professor Lockhart to the Great Hall. "I have finally located the Chamber of Secrets, and will delve its depths myself tonight. Professor Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall, if I fail to return, evacuate the school. I believe I know what monster haunts these halls, and if I fail, this school must be forever shuttered to prevent such a creature from causing an even greater disaster."

As the students were led back to the dorms, Harry and the other Weasley's donned the invisibility cloak and snuck away. It was a bit short with six people under it, but thankfully no one saw the second hand trainers tiptoeing after Professor Lockhart.

The Weasley's followed Lockhart down to the girls bathroom, where Lockhart ducked inside.

"Quick, after him!" Ginny whispered.

"We can't go in there," Ron protested. "That's the girls loo!"

"Yes, but everyone's in the dorms, it will be empty," Hermione said.

"Shame that," Fred and George said. "Ow! We were just kidding, Hermione. Just kidding."

"Come on, it's our only chance," Harry said. "We have to stop Lockhart. Whatever he's going to do to Luna, it can't be good."

Inside, they found Lockhart holding a snake , and pointing it at the hand washing stations. At his feet were several crates of clucking roosters.

"Drop it, Lockhart!" Harry cried, throwing off the cloak. The Weasley's spread out, pointing their wands at the Defense Professor.

"Ah, the Weasleys. Excellent, excellent! I was having a bit of trouble getting the Chamber to Open." Lockhart gestured to a sink. "You see, it can only be opened with a password in parselmouth. I'll need you to speak it so that it will open, Harry. Then I can slay the basilisk and stop it's nefarious plans! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Fred glared, leveling his wand. "Not a chance!"

"We know you're behind the attacks, you monster," George said, prepping the fireworks.

Lockhart sighed and rolled his eyes. "I am a hero, you idiot children! If you wish to save your friend, you must aide me!"

"I'll open it," Harry said, stepping forward. "But keep your hands where we can see them. We'll rescue Luna, then report you to the headmaster."

"I am not leading students into danger!" Lockhart protested. "It would be terribly irresponsible of me."

"Not much choice, mate," Ron said, prodding Lockhart with his wand. "We'll hex your bits off if you try anything."

"Get it open Harry, we've got him," Ginny said.

Stepping forward, Harry found the odd little snake marking on the sink Lockhart had been pointing his own serpent at.

"Open," Harry hissed.

The sink slid back, revealing a dark tunnel.

"Ah, excellent! Now really children, you must be off. I have a maiden to save and a beast to slay, and-"

" _Petrificus_ _totalus_!" Hermione said, and Lockhart stiffened and dropped.

"Bring him with us," George ordered.

Fred nodded. "And leave the roosters. I bet he was planning on sacrificing them."

Together, the Weasley horde slid down the slick piping, landing on a bed of old bones.

"Eww!" Hermione gasped, kicking away a tiny skull.

"Come on," Harry said, moving forward. "We've got to find Luna and get her out of here."

Slowly, the group made their way forward, Hermione and Ron levitating Lockhart's petrified form and guiding him after the group.

"Look, there she is!" Harry cried, and he ran forward. He paused when he realized Luna wasn't alone: an older student was kneeling beside her still body. "Did Lockhart kidnap you too?"

"Lockhart? He's here?" the boy leapt up, drawing a wand and pointing it at Harry. "That fool could ruin everything!"

"No, no, it's OK. We stopped him, we're here to rescue you," Harry said.

The boy paused, frowning. "Rescue me? But why would you be here with the famous and intrepid monster hunter Gilderoy Lockhart unless you were here to stop me and my nefarious plan?"

"You have a nefarious plan?" Fred and George said, sounding confused.

The boy drew himself up. "Indeed, for it is none other than I, Tom Marvolo Riddle, the greatest villain of the age! Soon I will drain the life from this wretched girl, and with her soul bound to me I shall reunite with my minion and older self, and begin my conquest of magical Britain and then, the world!"

"Who's Tom Riddle?" Ron asked. He turned to Hermione. "You ever heard of him?"

Hermione pursed her lips. "I think he's mentioned in Hogwarts a History. He was head boy and did some sort of service to the school. Not a villain at all really."

"Yeah, with a lame name like that, we'd remember it," Fred commented.

George nodded. "Give it up Tommy boy, we know Lockhart was behind all the petrifications. Don't go trying to take credit for pranks that aren't yours."

"Idiots! Morons! It was I, Tom Riddle, who was petrifying the students through my ingenious plan! You see, I was using this idiot girl as a puppet! No one paid attention to Loony Lovegood, and I was able to act with impunity! She paved the way for my basilisk by killing all the roosters, even the ones that infernal Lockhart kept bringing in to try and stop me! But Lockhart nearly tracked me down, and I was forced to begin the ritual to consume the girl's soul before I was truly ready! If it were not for his ceaseless meddling, I would have killed every mudblood and blood traitor in the castle and begun my conquest already! Soon, the world shall fear my name!"

The Weasley's all blinked, shifting on their feet. "But, Tom Riddle isn't a very scary name," Ginny protested.

Riddle sneered. "Perhaps you know my chosen title better!" He waved his wand, and the words "Tom Marvolo Riddle" appeared. After a moment, they arranged themselves into "I am Lord Voldemort."

"Oh bugger," Ron said.

"Ha! And now you bring me the stunned corpse of my foe! With Lockheart defeated, none can stand in my way. I would thank you, but Danger has grown quite hungry, and I must feed her. Come, my pet, slay these fools and allow me to fulfill my destiny!"

 _Supreme Danger Noodle Hears master, and snek will kill silly mudbloods!_

"The basilisk, I can hear it!" Harry gasped. "It's coming!"

"Run!" Ron yelled. Fred and George grabbed Lockhart's still petrified body, and the Weasleys ran for their lives as Lord Voldemort laughed maniacally behind them.

 _No sneaking now, snek will eat silly boys and girls! I boop in snoot and all die!_

"We don't taste very good," Harry called behind him. "You're better off eating some more rats."

 _Snek already eated all the rats. Snek wants to eat children!_

"Oh, um, the children all ran the other way, nothing but rats here!" Harry called. He turned to Ron and hissed, "Tell me you brought Scabbers!"

Ron quickly pulled the rat out of his pocket, and Scabbers squeaked in panic.

 _Oh. Supreme Danger Noodle does not want more rats. Will go find silly children and eated them! Sneaky like, very snek_

The Weasleys listened for a moment, until the grinding of the basilisks scales faded.

"Quick, get Lockhart up!" Ginny hissed.

Fred and George pointed their wands at Lockhart, whispering, " _Enervate_!"

With a gasp, Lockhart sat up. "You idiot children! Without the roosters, the easiest way of slaying the basilisk is beyond us!"

The Weasleys all flushed and looked down.

"Sorry," Harry mumbled. "We thought you were evil."

"Having good fashion sense does not make one evil!" Lockhart snapped. Then he sighed. "Still, it wouldn't do for me to abandon such a fight. Give me my wand."

Hermione handed over Lockhart's wand. Standing, he conjured a blindfold. "Ah, once again on the hunt! I thought my battle with the yeti would be my last, but it seems once more adventure calls! Stay here, children. I shall return shortly."

The Weasleys all cowered in the corner, listening to the epic sounds of Lockhart's duel. Harry provided color commentary, as he was the only one who could understand the basilisk.

"Oh, Lockhart's found Supreme Danger Noodle."

 _Supreme Danger Noodle boop stupid fancy man!_

"Yes, that's really the basilisk's name. Oh wow, he's casting blind, but he managed to collapse the corridor."

 _Ow! Stupid rocks hurt snek._

" I think, no, no she's not dead. Oh wow, she nearly got him there I think."

 _Ha! Snek bit stupid fancy mans clothes! Snek bite man next! Ow! Snek no like fires! Snek no like tingly light sneks._

"He's shooting fire and lightning! Noodle's hurt, but she's not out yet."

 _You boop snek, now snek boop you! No loud chickens here stupid fancy man!_

"Oh, Lockhart's used a blasting curse to blind the snake! She can't see anything, she's really in pain."

 _Why lights go out? Sneks eyes hurt! Now Supreme Danger Noodle MAD!_

"He's cutting her with some spell I haven't heard of, the snake's really angry."

 _Mmmm! Tasty fancy man! Snek like you in belly! Now snek eat! Wait, what this snek eat? Why it taste like fireworks?_

"Damn! It's bit him. Lockharts wounded, but not out. Oh! I think he got it. Come on!"

The Weasleys ran out, to find Lockhart panting in agony. A fang of the basilisk was sticking out of his leg, but the massive creature was dead, a stone from the roof piercing its skull.

"Left pocket," Lockhart wheezed as he yanked out the fang. "Bezoar. Will counter the venom."

Hermione quickly found the bezoar and passed it to Lockhart, who swallowed the stone. After a moment, he stood on shaky legs. "It's not over. We have to destroy the Diary. That will sever the connection and free the girl."

Harry grabbed the basilisk fang and ran over, where Tom tried to block his path. "No, stop, I am close, so close!"

Harry tried to bowl through Tom, but it turned out he was nothing more than a ghost. Spying the diary, Harry drove the basilisk fang into it.

"NOOOOOOO!" Diarymort wailed. The diary spurted blood and ink and Riddle collapsed in a pool of ectoplasm.

"Good, Harry, very good," Lockhart wheezed. "You two, twins. Pick up the girl. No, don't touch the diary. I fear I know what it is, and a dark object indeed it must be. I will take it myself."

With Ron and Harry supporting Lockhart and Fred and George carrying Luna, the group made their way out of the Chamber.

Back in the Great Hall the next morning, Professor Dumbledore beamed at the students. At his side, Professor Lockhart was sitting with his bandaged leg propped up, twirling his moustache once again.

"I am pleased to announce that Professor Lockhart has successfully infiltrated the Chamber of Secrets, and freed Luna Lovegood from the clutches of a basilisk, and the shade of a terrible dark wizard. Once more, the world is in his debt."

There was wild applause, but Lockhart held up his hand for silence. "I confess, normally I act alone, but this day I did not. The true credit goes to Harry Weasley and his siblings, who aided him in confronting the basilisk and rescuing their dear friend, Luna Lovegood from the Dark Wizard that ensnared her. I especially want to compliment young miss Hermione Weasley, who managed to defeat me with a petrifying spell. Most impressive."

There was more applause, and the Weasleys all blushed and looked down in embarrassment.

"I can't believe he wasn't actually evil," Harry groaned.

"I told you, but you just didn't want to listen," Ron muttered. "He's not evil, he's a hero!"

Hermione winced and kept her head down. "Sorry, Ron. It's just...he looks so evil. And his methods were a bit suspect."

"Really Hermione, have you even read his books?" asked Percy, who was recently freed of petrification thanks to Lockhart supplying the school with Mandrake roots. "He uses the animated corpse technique in Gadding With Ghouls to destroy the ghouls soul forever. And in Holidays with Hags, he used his ability to possess others to fight off the hags own attempt at possession and save the mayor's beautiful daughter."

"I mean, I have, but he looked and acted so obviously evil," Hermione protested.

Ginny shrugged. "He fooled us all, Hermione. But in the end, he proved he really was a hero."

"Best. Prank. Ever." Fred and George declared.

/\/\/\\\/\\\/\/\/\\\/\\\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Luna sat quietly in her hospital bed, counting the wrackspurts that fluttered about the place. So far only the headmaster had come to talk to her about the diary, and Luna had tried her best to be honest. He had told her it was a very dark object, and it wasn't her fault, and she could stay in school. Luna was glad she wasn't in trouble, but she also felt terribly guilty. A lot of people had been petrified and hurt, all because she had her head in the clouds and couldn't see what was right in front of her face. Mum had always told Luna to focus, to pay attention, to not let her imagination get the better of her.

No one was going to come visit her. Luna hadn't even heard from her father, and when she did she was certain he would be more interested in the basilisk than her. None of the Ravenclaw students were going to see her, they hadn't even realized she had been gone, or cared. She was alone now. Even Tom had left her, just like everyone else.

Tears rolled down Luna's cheeks, and she dried them on her wet sleeve. She was going to miss Tom. Maybe he had been trying to suck out her soul and turn her into a heliopath, but at least he had been her friend. Now she was all alone, save for the wrackspurts and nargles. Nargles? Luna blinked. What were a horde of nargles invading the hospital for?

"No, you talk to her first, Ginny."

"Why me, Ron? Because I'm a girl?"

"Yes, actually. That and you actually know her."

"I think it should be Harry. He's the one who saved her from the diary after all."

"No one asked you Hermione!"

"I'll do it, I'll do it."

The curtain around Luna's bed parted, and a ginger head peeked in. "Psst, Luna, are you awake?"

"Yes, I think I am," Luna said, smiling at the bespectacled boy who was practically swarmed by nargles. "Now I understand why the nargles are here. They do go wherever there's love and friendship."

"Oh." Harry came in and stood by Luna's bed, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. "So, um, I wanted to say sorry. We found you with that dead rooster and we were so busy thinking it was Lockhart that was evil we didn't stop to check to see if you were OK."

"I don't remember carrying a dead rooster, or meeting you with one," Luna mused. "You must have met Tom. He was so bored without a body, I used to let him borrow mine. That's what a good friend would do, isn't it?"

The curtain parted once again, and Ginny, Hermione, and Ron stepped in. "No Luna, you shouldn't go letting people borrow your body. Especially not strange boys you find in diarys," Hermione huffed.

"Well, he was my friend." Luna thought for a moment. "My only friend. I think I'll miss him, even if he was trying to steal my soul."

"But what about me, Luna? Aren't we friends?" Ginny asked.

"I think we're more like acquaintances really. We only ever say hello in the hallways and never take meals together. Mother always said friends should break bread together. That's why I would take my meals back to my dorm, so Tom and I could eat together."

Ginny looked down, blushing. "Well, I want to be your friend, Luna." When no one else said anything, Ginny's leg's rose and fell twice, and Ron and Harry let out yelps.

"Um, us too," Ron said.

Harry nodded. "Yeah, you can be our friend Luna. After all, we did have an amazing adventure together where we defeated an evil villain's nefarious plot."

"You could be an honorary Weasley, like me," Hermione offered.

Slowly, a smile spread its way across Luna's face. "Really? We could be friends? And go on crumple horned snorkack hunts and eat together and talk and do our homework?"

"You can join Ginny and I for our study sessions," Hermione offered.

"And you can come kip with us for meals," Ron offered. At least that was an activity he knew he liked to do.

"Yeah, that sounds like fun," Harry agreed. "I've always wanted to go on a hunt for a strange monsters. Do you think we could look for more of those nargles too?" Harry was not prepared for Luna to launch herself out of her bed and latch onto him, crying and hugging him tightly. He would have said something, but Luna had tackled him to the floor, so all he managed was an "Urk."

"I think she agrees," Ron observed.

"Friends!" Luna laughed, still hugging Harry. "Real friends!"


	10. Ch10:Theres no wrong way to be a Weasley

_Chapter 10: There's no wrong way to be a Weasley_

Professor Dumbledore sat in his office, happily sucking on a lemon drop and reflecting on how things always seemed to work themselves out for the best, when his door banged open.

"I cannot believe he actually did it," Severus fumed, stomping into the office. "What you did was reckless, sir. Lockhart was and is a bumbling idiot. When you hired a fraud like him, I had no idea what you thought you were doing, especially when it became obvious he'd been enchanted by the Dark Lord!"

"Lemon drop?" Dumbledore said amicably, indicating his bowl of sweets. Snape sneered at him, and Dumbledore sighed. "I confess Severus, originally I hired Gilderoy as an example of what sort of person one should not become, as fame and glory are empty trophies. A lesson I had hopped our young Mister Weasley, excuse me, Potter, would have done well to take to heart."

"And yet when he turned up in that ridiculous outfit with his mind touched by the Dark Lord himself, you did nothing," Snape fumed, pacing back and forth in front of the Headmaster's desk.

Eyes twinkling, Dumbledore smiled knowingly at Snape. "Ah, but how his mind was touched! The Dark Lord meant to stop a famous monster hunter who would be capable of killing Supreme Danger Noodle before-"

"Don't call the basilisk that!" Snape snapped. "You're just encouraging the Weasley's stupid story!"

"If that is what Harry claims the basilisk called itself, I have no reason to doubt him," Dumbledore answered. "Regardless, when the Dark Lord modified Gilderoy memories, he made a crucial mistake. He attempted to influence Lockhart into becoming evil, but instead he gave him the courage and skills that Voldemort himself possessed, overwriting Lockhart's true past with his own false past."

"We are fortunate that the twit has mistaken bad theatrics for true evil," Snape growled. "If he had been what he presented himself to be in those damned books, he would have been able to slay half the staff and all the Weasleys!"

"Well, then we should consider ourselves fortunate that Quirinius was such a fan, shouldn't we?" Dumbledore said, selecting another lemon drop from his bowl. "And besides, it turns out that Gilderoy was a capable wizard all along. He merely needed to believe himself to be what he pretended to be. A valuable lesson we could all learn from."

"That's nonsense! There is no moral! How many situations would one find themselves in where your memories of your true past are wiped by a powerful dark wizard and replaced with ones that attempted to turn you into one of his minions!" Snape stopped and glared at the headmaster. "As loath as I am to admit it, we will need Weasley and his hangers on if we are to stop the Dark Lord! We cannot rely on him continuing to make such blunders!"

Dumbledore shrugged. "I think we must trust in the love and affection Harry has found for himself. Is that not the power the power the Dark Lord knows not?"

"He doesn't know how muggle guns work either, but I don't see you suggesting we recruit some muggle soldiers to fight him," Snape answered.

"Ah, but love is a power that surpasses any weapon mankind has ever forged, be they muggle or wizard," Dumbledore said, waving his lemon drop about before popping it into his mouth.

Snape grimaced. "Remind me to tell you about Hiroshima and Nagasaki some time."

/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

"Fred, George, I need your help. There's a prank we need to pull, and I don't think I can manage it myself. I want to redeem my present."

Fred and George peered out from under their pillow fort, wearing their groucho marx glasses. "Did ickle Harrykins, legendary prankster, just admit he needed our help, Gred?"

"Indeed he did, Gred."

"No, I'm Gred today, you're Feorge."

"Oh, right you are Feorge."

Stepping forward, Harry interrupted the nonsensical exchange. "Look, there isn't much time. Luna will be out of the hospital soon, and I want this done for the first dinner she's back for, alright?"

"Pranking Luna?"

"Poor girl's been through enough Harrykins."

"Even we would not stoop so low."

"No, listen, the pranks not on Luna, it's FOR Luna. Here's what I need you to do." Harry quickly outlined his plans, and as he did so ever wider grins spread on the twins faces.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Flitch was skulking through the castle corridors when he heard the unmistakable sound of mischief. That is, he heard the voices of Weasleys.

"I've got you now!" Filch cried, flinging back a tapestry. Behind it, he found two Weasleys carrying a set of large and highly illegal fireworks. He couldn't quite tell which ones they were though, as they had thought to put on cunning disguises.

"Thought you could fool me with some glasses, a fake nose, and a fake mustache did you? Well I still know you're Weasleys," Filch growled. "You've got the red hair."

"You sure about that, Filcher?" one of the cleverly disguised miscreants asked.

The other held up a firework. "How can you prove we're who you think we are?"

"Maybe because we can do this!" The other set off one of the fireworks, causing it to roar down the hallway shrieking, "Flichy is a plonker Filchy is a plonker!"

"That's it, I'll have you expelled for sure this time!" Filch grabbed both of the trouble makers and hauled them away.

"Oh no, not the headmasters office!"

"Anywhere but there!"

Filch blinked, realizing they were just outside of the corridor the Headmaster's office was currently located in. "It's the headmaster for the two of you, he'll deal with you! Pumpkin pasty!"

The gargoyle sprang aside, and Filch banged on the door. "Headmaster, I have to trouble makers who need expulsion!"

The door swung open, and Flich deposited the two Weasley's before Dumbledore. "I caught these two in the hallways with illegal spelled fireworks that insult me personally!" Filch growled.

"They're not to insult you, they're to celebrate the healing of our brother and Lockhart's glorious triumph!" the two boys chorused. To demonstrate, they tapped one firework with their wand.

"Ding dong the snek is dead! Which old snek? The Chamber snek! Ding dong!"

Dumbledore leaned back in his chair, smiling at the two enthusiastic youths. "While I must agree with our caretaker that fireworks are illegal, I can understand your enthusiasm boys. It is not everyday one gets to go on an adventure with the famous Gilderoy Lockhart. Still, I think it best you leave the fireworks with me. I shall see to it that they are properly disposed of."

"What?!" Filch squawked. "But the other one insulted me! They even set it off in the corridors! That's why they're wearing those cunning disguises of theirs, so I couldn't identify them!"

"Oh, forgot sir, here's a pair for you," one of the Weasleys said, handing over another set of those insidious disguises.

Dumbledore took them gravely, setting them upon his nose and looking up at Flich. "Really Argus, I can't imagine that these two upstanding students would do anything so mean spirited as personally insult you, our valued caretaker. I'm sure you simply misunderstood."

Filch lept back, growling. "Who are you, and what did you do with the headmaster? I couldn't see it before, but now I know! You must be an imposter!"

"Argus, it's just a children's toy. Really, I would think you might be more perceptive."

While the two adults argued, one Weasley slipped an old battered hat out of their bag, passing it to the other twin. A quick substitution for a drowsing hat on the shelf was made, and then the twins stood, dumping out their fireworks.

"We've learned our lesson-"

"-we'll change our ways."

"No more fireworks for us!"

"We'll let you two sort the imposter issue out."

"Have to be careful, never knew when a switch could be made."

"Very good gentlemen, I'll make sure we have a lovely show of fireworks at the farewell feast," Dumbledore promised.

With that, Fred and George dashed away, the Sorting Hat stuffed at the bottom of their bag while Filch shrieked about imposters and deviants trying to destroy his castle.

"Hurry, we haven't much time," Fred panted.

George nodded, checking the marauder's map. "She's nearly to the hall! Quick, down the secret passage, we'll cut her off!"

Luna was making her way down to dinner, wondering if she really would be able to sit with Harry and the others. Harry had said they had a surprise for her, and warned her not to be late. Still, Luna had thought she'd seen a blibbering humdinger on the second floor and gone to investigate. It had turned out to be nothing more than a horse fly,, but still it had been very interesting to try and catch it and examine the bug carefully. Luna would have sat and studied its crystalline wings for a long time, but she did have an appointment to keep. Just as she was about to step into the Great Hall, she was stopped by the twins.

"Oh, hello Gred and Feorge," Luna said, gazing up at the older boys. "Are you going to be my friends too?"

"Even better," George said (Luna could always tell them apart. George had more wrackspurts about him, while Fred was infested with nargles).

Fred reached into their sack and dragged out a three legged stool. "Come on, quick. Here, I've got the stool."

"Hold still, I've got to fix your hair." George dug out a vial of potion and thrust it into Luna's hands. "Drink up!"

Obediently, Luna downed the vial. Her scalp started to tingle, but before Luna could really consider what was happening Fred and George grabbed her under the arms and dragged Luna into the Great Hall. It was already mostly full, with professors sitting at the head table and eating, while most of the student tables were filling up with hungry students.

Luna was dragged past all four tables, where Fred set out the stool. Luna was lifted up and placed on the stool, and she smiled and waved at everyone, wondering what this was all about.

"Percy!" George hissed.

Fred motioned him forward. "It's your line!"

The self important Weasley brother bustled forward, opening a roll of parchment. "We are gathered here today to participate in a time honored Hogwarts tradition." As Percy spoke, Fred reached into their bag and pulled out a tattered cloth bundle. "-when I call your name, step forward to be sorted into your new house," Percy finished.

"Mr. Weasley, what on earth are you doing?" Professor McGonagall demanded, rising from her place at the head table. "Why is Mrs. Lovegood's hair red?"

Before anyone else could protest, Luna found the sorting hat jammed on her head.

"Hmm? What? Oh! I was sleeping, no one told me- but I haven't finished my song!"

"Just sort her already," George hissed as the professors began to stand and hurry around the head table to where Luna was perched.

"Hello Hat," Luna said brightly. "I don't need a song tonight I think."

"Hat, don't you dare!" McGonagall half shrieked, scrambling to get to the stool before it was too late.

She was just a bit too slow. The Hat cleared its throat and said, "Er, yes, right, sorting. Oh, another Weasley I see. Well, no one can say I didn't do my job this time because you belong with the rest of the Weasley's in GRYFFINDOR!"

Immediately Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Hermione stood and started cheering loudly, while the rest of the students gaped at them.

"You hear that, she's been properly sorted!" Fred declared, pulling the hat off of Luna's head.

George nodded. "Weasley house for her!"

"Come on, quick," Percy said, helping Luna off the stool and tossing the Sorting Hat to his brothers, who immediately ran off with McGonagall in hot pursuit.

"You both get back here young men! Miss Lovegood has already been sorted once! Come back here, we're putting the Hat back on her so she can stay in Ravenclaw where she belongs! Six Weasleys is enough!"

"Put this on," Percy said, handing Luna a pair of black glasses with a bushy moustache and a large fake nose. "Tell everyone you're Luna Weasley and stick to the story."

When her head cleared, Luna found herself sitting between Harry and Ginny, who were eating dinner as if nothing was amiss.

"What just happened?" Neville Longbottom said, eyeing Luna with a large measure of concern. "Where did the new Weasley come from?"

"I came from hunting blibbering humdingers," Luna told the other boy. "Hello! I'm Luna Weasley."

"I don't think you're really a Weasley," Lavender Brown said, narrowing her eyes at Luna. "You're just Luna Lovegood with a dye job and some funny glasses."

"No, look, she's got red hair and the Hat put her in Gryffindor. Obviously, she's a Weasley," Harry said. "That's how this works."

"But Hermione doesn't have red hair," Dean protested.

Percy wordlessly produced a vial of potion and handed it to Hermione.

Hermione downed the potion and within moments, her hair turned a rusty red and freckles appeared on her nose. "See? Red hair, and I'm in Gryffindor. Obviously, I'm also a Weasley."

Before anyone else could argue, a strange wizard with a long white beard, black glasses, a dark moustache, and a huge nose sat down at the head table in the headmaster's spot.

"Who's that?" Oliver Wood wondered aloud. "And why is he sitting in Dumbledore's place?"

"That's Dumbledore," Harry told the team captain. "He's just incognito."

Dinner quietly resumed, until Professor McGonagall reappeared, dragging the twins by their ears with the Sorting Hat under her arm. "Headmaster, I demand that you rectify this situation at once!"

Dumbledore looked up, his eyes twinkling merrily. "But Minerva, how could you tell I was the headmaster when I have such a cunning disguise?"

"Please. I lived through the Marauders. It's going to take more than a pair of silly fake glasses to fool me! Now, these two miscreants have bamboozled the Sorting Hat into sorting Luna Lovegood into Gryffindor."

"She was a Weasley, I swear!" the Hat's muffled voice said from McGonagall's armpit. "She had red hair and not enough sense! Definitely a Weasley."

McGonagall placed the hat on the head table and let Fred and George go, though when they tried to skulk away she fixed them with a glare that practically pinned them to the wall.

"Well gentlemen, what do you have to say for yourselves?" Dumbledore asked.

Fred and George did their best to look innocent. "Well sir, there were these two blokes with funny looking eyebrows."

"And big noses with black glasses."

"Not to mention their moustaches."

"Terribly handsome devils if I may say so myself."

"But not as handsome as us, obviously."

"Anyway, they ran into us while we were innocently making our way to dinner."

"Too right. Well, they shoved the Hat into our hands and ran off."

"We were just about to return the hat to yourself as dutiful students."

"When Professor McGonagall ran up and dragged us back here."

"So you see sir, we're as lost as you are."

"Well, not really lost, we just don't know what's going on."

"Exactly. Innocent as lambs we are."

McGonagall let out a hiss that sounded suspiciously like a cat whose tail had been stepped on.

"Hmm. Well Hat, what is your version of events?" the Headmaster asked.

The Hat peered around, obviously confused. "I just sorted her! She was a Weasley, I could tell. I have a very keen sense for these things. So, obviously, I put her where she belongs in Gryffindor. I don't see what all the fuss is about."

"Hi, I'm Luna Weasley!" Luna said, standing and waving. "You might not be able to tell because of my cunning disguise, but I am. See, I have red hair and everything."

The Headmaster nodded gravely. "Well, I believe that these two Weasleys have earned themselves a detention with me for absconding with school property. As to Miss Lovegood, if the Hat has decided that she is properly a Weasley and belongs in Gryffindor, who are we to argue?"

"No!" McGonagall groaned. "No, not another Weasley! I have seven of them already! It's too many! Filius, you have to help me! She's your student!"

Flitwick looked back and forth between McGonagall and Luna. For the first time since he had met her, Luna was actually smiling. Not a vague, dreamy smile that spoke of being miles away, but a real grin that told of spending time with friends and enjoying life.

"I'm sorry Minerva, but I don't think I've ever seen Miss Weasley before. I'm sure she'll do quite well in your house."

McGonagall groaned and slumped, defeated. "Very well. If you'll excuse me, I'll be in my quarters, drinking calming draughts and trying not to let Gryffindor tower spontaneously explode."

"Nah, we gave the fireworks to the Headmaster," Fred said.

George suddenly smiled. "Maybe we can shoot a few off during our detention."

"Yeah! Disposing of dangerous contraband and all that."

Dumbledore's eyes just twinkled.

Back at the table, Hermione smiled and poured Luna a glass of pumpkin juice. "So, when does the potion wear off?" she asked Fred and George.

The twins blinked and looked at one another. "Wear off?"

Back in her quarters, McGonagall felt a sudden urge to tear out her hair.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\

The end of the term arrived. Luna took up residence in the Gryffindor dorms with little fanfare. Some of the first years gave her odd looks at first, until Hermione "I've defeated a Dark Lord, Stolen the Philosopher's Stone and Dueled A World Renowned Monster Hunter" Granger-Weasley made it clear that as Luna's honorary sister, she would brook no bullying. Ginny and Luna got along rather famously, rekindling their old friendship. Harry really enjoyed going for hunts for creatures that may or may not have been there, and Ron even came up with a few good places to go snorkack hunting.

When exams came, Hermione managed to avoid having a conniption when it turned out that Luna was quite bright and enjoyed studying. Since Harry, Ron, and Ginny still felt pretty guilty about the whole Chamber of Secrets thing, they grudgingly agreed to the marathon study sessions. Thanks to Luna and Hermione's tutotalage, all the young Weasley's managed to earn excellent grades. Even Fred and George took home Es ond Os, mostly thanks to their younger sister's vigilance.

Percy, for reasons known only to Penelope Clearwater (and anyone with half a brain), got an E in two classes to his utter horror.

"That's it, I'm swearing off women," Percy vowed.

"What was that, pumpkin?" Penelope said sweetly.

"Er, nothing," Percy muttered, his face turning even redder than his hair.

At the farewell feast, Lockhart hobbled up to the front of the head table to give a speech. "Well, I am certain we have all had a most exciting year! However, it was more exciting than any of you know. At the beginning of the term, the Dark Lord himself accosted me at my house, attempting to prevent me from taking up my position as Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts. We know now that this was so that his cleverly disguised trap could be activated and his basilisk roam the halls. As I am certain we all know, the Dark Lord knew that if a world renowned monster hunter such as myself was on the case, it was only a matter of time before the basilisk was hunted down and defeated. And indeed, with the aid of the infamous Weasley clan I managed to do just that with no loss of life. Once again, I extend my thanks to the Weasleys for their never ceasing efforts to rid the school of evil, and especially to Hermione Weasley for her cunning use of spells." As Lockhart said the last, he winked at the Gryffindor table and twirled his moustache.

Harry and Hermione hid under the table as the other students laughed and applauded.. After a moment, Luna joined them. "Why are we hiding?" Luna asked.

"So we don't die of embarrassment," Harry groaned.

"Oh." Luna thought about this for a moment. "Shouldn't I be the one who is embarrassed? After all, I'm the one who let the basilisk out."

"Don't be silly," Hermione said. "That wasn't you."

"Yeah," Ron agreed, sticking his head under and grinning at all of them. "That was Luna Lovegood."

Catching on, Harry quickly nodded. "Yeah, ask anyone. You're obviously Luna Weasley." To Harry's surprise and further embarrassment, Luna started crying and hugged him.

When Harry looked to Ron for help, he ducked back out from under the table. Hermione just smiled and shook her head.

"Girls are weird," Harry muttered.

Luna hiccuped and smiled up at Harry. "All girls, or just me?"

"All girls," Harry said fervently. "Though you're nicer than most."

"Keep this up Harry, and I might just have to change my name to Potter," Luna said, brushing her lips against Harry's cheek.

"Why would you do that?" Harry asked. "I heard Harry Potter's a right arse who goes around with his stupid scar being famous."

Luna giggled. "And people called me loony."

Eventually, Harry, Hermione and Luna were coaxed out from under the table as the house cup was awarded. To no one's surprise, Gryffindor was once again the victor, as Lockhart and Dumbledore had both awarded a massive number of points to the Weasley's for "finding the root of evil in the school and defeating it."

"It's not fair," one of the Ravenclaws cried. "Luna was in our house."

"Well you should have taken care of her when you had her," Percy said, sniffing and putting his nose in the air.

"That's right!" Fred and George agreed. "We've taken proper care of her. Even gave her her own jumper."

Despite the fact that Christmas had been ages ago, Mrs. Weasley had indeed knitted Luna a sky blue jumper with a silver "L" on it. Luna had insisted on wearing it everywhere, despite the fact that it was June, until Percy told her that as a prefect, he couldn't have any of his firsties dying of heat stroke.

After the Feast came the all night party, during which it turned out that Fred and George had not, in fact, given Dumbledore all their fireworks. Fortunately, there were only a few minor explosions that only marred the masonry of Gryffindor tower, and Professor McGonagall gained a few more grey hairs.

On the ride back, everyone else in the school studiously avoided the two compartments the Weasley family had joined together. For some reason, Penelope and Percy kept having to step out to attend to "prefect duties" despite the fact that normally on the ride back prefects didn't have any duties to attend to. Still, Harry had several galleons of spending money left over and bought enough sweets to turn nearly everyone comatose, even Scabbers the Rat.

"Your rat is very odd, Ron," Luna commented, feeding scabbers a Bertie Bott's. "I don't normally see so many nargles around animals."

Ron shrugged. "Yeah, well, he's mostly useless. Still, he's good to have around if you don't want to eat your vegetables; he's not a terribly picky eater."

"Neither are you," Hermione pointed out.

"Well no, but it's the thought that counts."

When the train arrived back at platform 9 ¾, for a moment Harry was worried that the Dursley's would turn up and he'd need to once more spend the summer with his horrid relatives. Instead, he was hugged and kissed by Mrs. Weasley (though she still called him Charlie) and welcomed home. Waiting with Mrs. Weasley were two nervous looking adults in ordinary muggle clothes, looking very out of place amidst wizarding families who thought that a summer blouse was fine men's wear.

"Hermione, why is your hair red?" the woman asked, smoothing back her own bushy hair.

Blushing, Hermione turned to the rest of her honorary family. "Er, this is my mother and father, Harold and Teresa Granger. Mum, dad, these are the Weasleys, the family that's been looking out for me in the magical world."

Introductions were made all around, and at the end Mr. Granger commented, "Quite a large family you have, Mrs. Weasley. Are they really all yours?"

"Well of course!" Mrs. Weasley said, puffing up slightly in anger. Then she did a double take when she realized that Ginny was not, in fact, the only girl standing by her. "And who are you, dear? Oh, sorry Luna, I didn't recognize you with your red hair. Oh, and Harry, Arthur got permission from your aunt and uncle to stay with us all summer. We have it in l writing. Their only condition was that we degnome their garden. I think we got most of them even."

"Truth be told sir, mum never was very good at maths," Percy said quietly to Mr. Granger. "We've been adding kids over the past couple of years, Hermione included. Sorry about the hair, we didn't realize it was going to be permanent when we gave her the potion for the Weasley Sorting Ceremony."

"Well, you're the chaps that saved my daughter from that troll, aren't you?" Mr. Granger said, shaking Percy's hand vigorously. "As far as I'm concerned, if she want's to become a Weasley, she just has to pick the bloke that's right for her. In a few years, of course."

Penelope slid over, slipping her arm into Percy's. "Not this one sir, he's taken."

Flushing, Percy stammered and tried to explain, only for Fred and George to pop up grin at him. "Ha! Now we have proof! Fancy the young Miss Clearwater, do you?"

"What, Percival! You never told me you had a girlfriend!" Mrs. Weasley bustled over and hugged Penelope. "Oh, I'm so happy for you two! I've been worried you know, Bill's always traveling for work and never has a steady girlfriend, and Charlie, well, he's obsessed with dragons you know. It's a few years off still, but I do hope you too get along well. I would like to have Grandchildren someday, the Burrow is just so empty with all my babies at Hogwarts."

"Mum!" Percy gasped. "Penny and I are 16!"

"Well, I was 17 when I married your father, he was 18 and just getting started at the ministry. And I know Percy will do so well, he's such a hard worker and looks after his siblings so well."

"Um, thank you, Mrs. Weasley," Penelope said, extricating herself from the Weasley horde. "I think I hear my parents. Muggles, you know, don't understand. Bye!"

"Wow Percy," Fred laughed. "You go any redder, and your hair will turn white!"

"We could help, have a lovely potion for permanently turning hair red," George commented.

"This is so gross," Ron muttered. Harry nodded emphatically.

Ginny, Hermione and Luna all sighed. "It's so romantic!"

"Girls are weird," Ron said, shaking his head. "I don't know what's gotten into Percy. Penny's nice and all, but why would he want to get married?"

"He's probably infested with some of those wrackspurts Luna's always on about," Harry said. "Making him go mental. Luna, do you know how to keep away wrackspurts from Percy?"

"Oh no, with love, it's always nargles," a new voice said. A very odd individual, even for a wizard, tottered up to the group of red heads, his eyes slightly crossed and unfocused. "Luna, dear, did a scarlet pimpador bite you?"

"Oh no, I was resorted into the Weasley house by the sorting hat, father," Luna said seriously. "If I had seen a scarlet pimpador, I would have written you at once."

"Ah, a shame that. Well, come along, we must be going, I have an article on the Rotfang Conspiracy to write. I think the muggle dentists are trying to infiltrate the ministry to prevent it now."

"We're doing what?" The Granger's said together.

Luna's father turned back, each of his eyes swiveling to focus on a different Granger. "Oh, are you dentists? Please, I must know: does the mint flavor of toothpaste attract heliopaths, or repel them?"

While Luna's father listened to the very confused answers from Hermione's parents, Harry went over and patted Luna on the back. "I know you don't live very far from the Burrow. I'll see if you can't come over and visit some times. I'm sure Mrs. Weasley would agree you're not eating enough and would love to help fatten you up a bit."

"I don't think it's very polite to tell a lady she needs fattening up, Harry," Luna mused.

Harry blushed. "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to offend."

"I'm not offended, I'm just trying to decide if I should be a proper lady," Luna answered, tapping her chin. "I think I'd rather just be a Potter. Or a Weasley, if that's what you insist on."

"Hey, we Weasley's are proper ladies," Ginny protested. "Just ask Hermione."

Luna looked at Hermione, who shrugged. "Don't ask me. All I've done since becoming a Weasley is go on adventures and fight monsters. Doesn't seem terribly lady like to me."

Luna nodded seriously. "That settles it then. I won't be a proper lady, going on adventures and fighting monsters is much more interesting than worrying that I'm too fat."

At last the three families (for now) separated and went their merry ways. Thankfully, Percy was able to activate the invisibility field immediately and fly the car straight back to the Burrow. All the trunks were hauled out of the car, and Harry and Ron went up to their room. Setting his trunk in the corner, Harry looked around at the small bedroom. None of the furniture was new, the bed's were a bit lumpy, and all his clothes were still second hand. Still, Harry smiled.

"It's good to be home," Harry whispered. And he was.

 _Authors Note:_

 _The poll results are in! Despite my personal preference for UPS as a shipping service, Hedwig the Owl won the poll, and will continue to provide Harry with all his shiping and parcel post needs._

 _I'm just surprised everyone is so passionate about package delivery options._


	11. Chp 11: Everything's coming up Nargles

_Chapter 11: Everything's Coming Up Nargles_

 _ **GIRL-WHO-HUNTS-MONSTERS DEFEATS BASILISK, DUELS GILDEROY LOCKHART!**_

 _ **By Saffron Scrivener**_

 _ **Once again, Hermione Weasley, the infamous girl who defeated You-Know-Who last year and stole the Philosopher's Stone from a series of deadly traps created by Albus Dumbledore himself has faced terrible peril and emerged victorious! I sat down with Gilderoy Lockhart (Monster Hunter Extraordinaire) to discuss this.**_

 _ **SS: Mr Lockhart, rumor has it that your tenure as a Hogwarts Professor was most exciting.**_

 _ **GL(MHE): Oh yes, indeed it was! I had thought of retiring to a nice quiet teaching position, but it was not to be. You see, a most cunning trap had been set by Voldemort himself! Oh, please, do not flinch so, but I will refrain from using the name to spare the sensitive readers in your audience.**_

 _ **SS: Such magnanimity!**_

 _ **GL(MHE): But of course! As I was saying, a cunning device was employed by the Dark Lord to ensnare an innocent student, and using this device, a basilisk was released in the school! However, I, Gilderoy Lockhart (Monster Hunter Extraordinaire) was on the case! This time however, I was outmaneuvered. The Weasley Clan, led by the cunning (and charming) Hermione tracked down the source of the problem. For a time, they thought me in League with the Dark Lord!**_

 _ **SS: Ha! Can you even imagine?**_

 _ **GL(MHE): Pure folly of course! But, I, Gilderoy Lockhart (Monster Hunter Extraordinaire), was no match for Miss Weasley. She is truly one of the most terrifying and powerful witches of the age! It was she who took me down in an epic duel, the details of which are in my forthcoming novel, Banishing the Basilisk. However, the combined might of the Dark Lord and the Basilisk were too much for Miss Weasley, and she was forced to come to me for aide. Together, along with her siblings, we took down the basilisk and the Dark Lord, freeing the fair maiden, who incidentally has also become a Weasley!**_

 _ **More on page 3. For related details, see "How to Slay Dark Creatures and still look like a thousand galleons!" on page 5. For the current whereabouts of Gilderoy Lockhart (Monster Hunter Extraordinaire) see "El Chupacabra: the Goat Sucking Menace of Nicaragua" on page 7. On page eight, see "Puma, real or imaginary?"**_

Quirrel set down the paper and flinched.

"Well, what does it say, fool? Why did our minion fail?"

"Well, master, do you remember how I said I wasn't very good at memory charms…."

"Idiot! If only I had some of my minions in Azkaban! Hand me the classifieds, perhaps I can find more competent help there! No, I mean hold them up where I can see them. Higher, you moron!"

/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

"You get back here!" Harry crashed down the stairs, his face as red as his hair as he pelted after Ron. "Give it back Ron!"

"Shove off, I got it now!" Ron shouted as he ran around the table

"Percy gave it to ME!"

"You weren't using it!"

"I was going to right after-" Harry tripped over one of the twins latest contraptions and went flying, crashing into a cabinet and sending the vase on it flying through the air. Harry and Ron both watched in horror as the vase spun twice, the crashed onto the floor and shattered into a million pieces.

"What's going on in here?" Molly yelled, stomping in from the garden and glaring at her two youngest sons.

Both Harry and Ron pointed at the other. "He started it!"

"Ron took my astrolabe!"

"It's not his, it's Percy's! He said we could borrow it for our homework!"

"You don't want to use it for homework, you just want to figure out when the new moon is so you can sneak out and catch a brownie!"

"Boys!" Both brothers fell silent, glaring at eachother and breathing heavily. "I don't care who started it. Ron, give me the astrolab."

"But mum, I-"

"Ronald! Give it to me, now!"

Ron stomped over and handed the astrolabe to his mother, glaring at Harry.

That taken care of, Molly whirled on Harry. "If you're brother is going to take things Harry, it is not your job to chase him about the house like a lunatic! Get your father or I and we'll handle it!"

"But mum I-"

"Don't you 'but mum' me young man! Look at this vase! It's made an awful mess. Now clean it up and fix it. Both of you, together."

"But it was Harry not me!" Ron protested

Molly glared at Ron until he buckled. "And then I want both of you outside until dinner time. And no quidditch! You can weed the garden and when you're done with that you degnome it. I won't want you back inside until you can behave like human beings and not wild satyrs!"

Harry and Ron grumbled, piled the pieces of the vase together, then got out their wands and spelled it back together. They started it stomp outside, when Harry suddenly stiffened and stopped, blocking the doorway.

"What?" Ron demanded, shoving at Harry. "Move!'

"She said we were brothers," Harry whispered. "She was so mad, and she said we were brothers."

"Well of course we are. Now move you git," Ron growled.

Harry did move, but it was to turn around and grab Ron in a bear hug, his eyes wet with tears.

"I, what, you-" Ron gave up and patted Harry on the back. "It's alright, mate. Even if we do have a row now and then."

"Thanks," Harry whispered. Then he pulled away and ran back to the kitchen. Mrs. Weasley turned around, ready to lecture Harry, until she saw his tears. She was a bit more prepared for Harry to wrap his arms around her. It was rather unusual behavior for an almost 13 year old, but then again, Harry hadn't exactly had a normal life. "Thanks mum," Harry whispered. Then he smiled, wiped his eyes, and ran back outside.

Molly sniffed and had to dab at her own eyes with her apron. She smiled when she heard the sound of Ron and Harry shouting at each other as they weeded and degnomed the garden. A few hours later, Ginny and Luna came back from Luna's place and started to help the boys as swearing gnomes went flying in all directions. Molly had to shake her head; it was nearly impossible to tell the two girls apart now from the back. Apparently, Fred and George's hair coloration potion was permanent, which was an impressive bit of magic. Quietly, Molly had made the two of them brew her a potion. She fingered her hair, once again the same color it had been in her youth and smiled. Molly knew she wasn't rich in galleons, but she was certainly rich in family.

"You know Harry, Luna, you're going to have to come up with something to teach these little blighters," Ron grunted, picking up another gnome.

"Oi, let go of me ya ugly git! I'll shank you you little biiiiiiiii-" The rest of what the gnome had been going to say was lost as Ron chucked it over the garden gate.

Picking up her own gnome, Ginny nodded as she flung over the hedge. "Oh yes, it's a Weasley tradition! Even Percy taught them to say 'I'll have your guts for garters.'"

"What about 'get your filthy paws off of me you damn dirty ape?'" Harry suggested.

Ron rubbed his chin. "Hmm, that's not half bad. Need some more swearing though."

Luna studied her gnome for a moment, then shouted, "Exclamation mark! At! Pound! Dollars! Ampersand!"

The gnome stopped wriggling and stared at Luna in shock. The other red heads shared a confused glance. "Luna, what on earth was that?" Ginny asked.

"Oh, that's how muggles swear. I read about it in one of their comic books," Luna explained. "Percent! Carrot! Exclamation mark!"

"I've never heard anyone swear like that," Harry mused. "And I heard some really interesting words from Uncle Vernon a few times."

"Well, obviously you need some practice with your swearing then," Luna said. She shook her gnome vigorously, and began shouting more nonsense words.

"Leggo you ampersand pound dollars!" the gnome squeaked.

Luna smiled broadly, then tossed her gnome over the fence and nodded to herself. "This is fun!"

Holding up his own gnome, Harry pondered it for a minute, thinking back to the torn comic books he'd stashed away under his cupboard. "Dagger! Bomb! Skulls! Lightning!"

Ginny and Ron dropped their own gnomes, looking back and forth between Luna and Harry, who were both shouting out seemingly random words at their gnomes. "I think they're both Loony," Ron muttered.

Ginny nodded. "Well, you're a bit daft yourself, so they fit right in."

"Oi! You're one to talk, which of us asked for Harry stories at bedtime every night!"

"I was a little girl!"

"You're still a little girl!"

"You take that back!"

"Bint!"

"Git!"

From under the hedges, the gnomes observed the Great Tall Ones. They muttered to themselves, trying to copy their great words of power so that they too could learn to pick their enemies up and send them through the air to the great beyond.

"Pound. Git. Dollar. Trollop." They chanted on for many hours, learning the Great Tall Ones words.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\\\/\/\/\/

The floo flashed, and Arthur Weasley skidded out, his grinning face slightly blackened with soot. "Good evening Weasleys!" he called.

"Evening dad!" came the reply, and eight children crowded round him for hugs and greetings. Arthur paused. Eight? He tried to get a count and straighten things out, but it was a sea of red hair, and it took him a moment to get everyone away so he could sit down. _Percy, Ginny, Fred, George, Ron, Ginny, Harry, and Ginny. Wait. Three Ginnys?_

"Oh, hello Luna," Arthur said after a moment, realizing who the extra redhead was. The he had to count again. "And Hermione. When did you come over?"

"Oh, Mrs. Weasley apparated me over this afternoon so we could all do our summer homework together," Hermione said. "I'm staying the night with Ginny and Luna."

Arthur glanced at Molly, but she was beaming happily. Sighing, he shook his head. That woman had been dead set on having a daughter. Now she seemed to have acquired an extra two.

"Well, I have a special announcement this evening, Weasleys. Oh, and Luna and Hermione."

"It's OK Mr. Weasley, we're going to be Weasley's someday," Luna said matter of factly. "I think I'll take Harry, and Hermione can have Ron."

Ron and Harry both looked utterly perplexed by this. Percy turned beat red and coughed, looking away and tugging at his collar. Fred and George fell off their bench laughing. Ginny squealed and covered her mouth with her hands, which was exactly what her mother was doing. Mentally, Arthur decided that maybe it was time he had the Talk with his two sons. And probably Luna too, Xenophilius was useless for that sort of thing. And maybe Hermione too; she needed to get a magical perspective. Scratch that, Molly could handle the girls. He just had to make sure that love potions were not part of that particular discussion.

Clearing his throat, Arthur tried to file all that away for later. "At any rate, my friend Baxter from the Ministry gave me a galleon draw ticket for my birthday. And guess which ticket was picked?"

Molly's eyes widened. "Surely not us?"

Arthur flourished a deposit slip (he was not foolish enough to wave the actual ticket around at the dinner table) "You are looking at the winner of the 700 Galleon Draw!"

Everyone cheered, and Arthur held up his hands for quiet. After a few moments, he got it. "Now, I know your mother has been very good with the money lately, and we've managed to pay off a lot of our debts and even put a little away. So, I thought that perhaps we could do with a family trip to Egypt to visit Bill and Charlie, as Charlie will be there in July for a dragon convention."

There were even louder cheers at this announcement. After it calmed down, Percy glanced at Luna and Hermione, then looked at his father. "All the Weasleys?"

Mr. Weasley hesitated, glancing at Luna and Hermione. "Well, you know, technically, we would need to ask their parents…."

"I can pay for them," Harry offered. "It will be their birthday present!"

"Harry dear, you can't just go throwing around money like that! If you do, you won't have any left in your vault," Molly protested.

Harry shrugged. "I don't care about that, family is more important, right? If I'm spending my money on family, it's not wasted is it?" Harry looked at his father with a pleading expression on his face. "You wouldn't want to have to tell Hermione and Luna they couldn't come with the rest of us, would you?"

Just as he was about to tell Harry that yes, he would tell them no, Arthur looked at Luna and Hermione, who were looking at him with wide eyes and slightly pouty lips. When he looked to Molly for support, she had a calculating look in her eye as she studied the two girls. _Definitely need to have the Talk_ , Arthur decided. "Well, I suppose, just this once," Arthur allowed.

Later that evening, Arthur called Ron and Harry out to his shed. "Now, boys, I can't help but notice you've grown close to Hermione and Luna," Mr Weasley said, getting out an old bit of muggle stuff and fiddling with it.

Harry and Ron nodded, and Arthur continued. "Well, at about your age, young wizards start to go through some….changes."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/

Half an hour later, Ron and Harry dashed out of the shed and up to their room. They ignored the twins calls to come play a game of exploding snap, and locked themselves in their room.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Ron said, bracing himself against the door and looking rather green.

Harry slumped on the bed. "That was completely disgusting. Why would we even want to kiss Hermione?" When Ron didn't say anything, Harry looked up at the other boy, who was blushing and looking at the floor. "You wouldn't!"

"Well, no. Maybe. But I mean, she's pretty cool and fun, so if I had to pick a girl," Ron muttered. "She even plays chess."

"You're mental," Harry said, flopping back down the bed.

"Well, do you fancy Luna?"

Harry sat up and tried to say no, but he couldn't manage it. He just glared at Ron then flopped back down on the bed. "Let us never speak of this again."

"Agreed. No girls for us," Ron vowed, blushing and thinking of Hermione hugging him after the last quidditch game of the season.

"Nope, not ever," Harry agreed, thinking of how much fun it was to spend time with Luna.

There was a long, awkward silence. Then Ron dug out his marble chess board, and started putting out the pieces. Harry sat up and came over to put out his own.

"So, what do you think of the Cannons this year?" Ron asked.

Grateful for the change of subject, Harry shrugged. "They could go all the way."

Down in the kitchen, Molly was finishing a talk of her own. "-and remember, no love potion until you're sure. Save it for a really special time. Oh, I remember when I dosed Arthur and myself, it was on our wedding night and-"

"Thanks mum!" Ginny squeaked. "Good talk!"

All three girls fled to Ginny's room, where they shut the door and locked it.

"Ugh, that is so gross. I mean, i thought I fancied Harry at one point, but now he's just another one of my smelly brothers. Who could like him or Ron?" Ginny demanded.

Luna and Hermione looked at one another, then back at Ginny. "No clue," they said in unison.

Ginny walked over and opened the window, glancing both ways, then motioning to the other two girls. "Come on, let's sneak out to the field and play a round of quidditch. It's better than talking about boys and all that gross stuff mum was on about."

Taking out her wand, Ginny cast a featherweight charm and herself and jumped out of the window. Hermione came over, peering down and biting her lip. "It looks pretty far."

"You'll be fine," Luna said. "And don't worry, even if Ron doesn't know it yet, he'll come round."

Hermione whirled around, her eyes wide and her face flushed. "How did you, I mean, I don't, I'm not-"

"Oh, you haven't realized it either?" Luna asked, tilting her head to one side. "I could have sworn I saw your nargles swarming around Ron. Oh well, I'm sure you'll work it out by the end of next year, or possibly the one after. I'm certain it will take Harry at least that long to figure things out. He's not bad for a boy, but he does have a bad case of wrackspurts."

"I think I'll jump out of the window now," Hermione said faintly. She cast the feather light charm and fled.

Luna smiled and did her own charm. "Everything's coming up nargles."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Two weeks later, the Weasley family (and honorary members) piled into the car and drove off.

"Are we going to take the car all the way there?" Harry asked, wondering if it was really safe to fly the old Ford Angela over the English channel and the mediterranean.

"Of course not," Percy said, shoving Harry aside and taking the window seat for himself. "We'll be taking the _Weatherlight_."

"Ooo, I read about that!" Hermione said, pulling out a book from her backpack. "The Weatherlight is a magical zeppelin! It's got loads of charms on it to keep muggles for noticing it, and it's woven from acromantula silk! See, here's a picture of one being milked for its silk!"

Ron let out a moan and tried to edge away from Hermione as she held up the moving picture of an enormous spider spitting out strands of silk. "Let's not talk about the acromantulas!"

"You know Harry, maybe you're an aracnatounge," Fred mused.

George nodded. "Yeah, only Princess Perse here is afraid of snakes."

Harry rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I've never tried talking to spiders before you know."

"Don't you bloody dare," Ron squeaked.

Several hours later, everyone piled out of the car at Birmingham Airport.

"There's a magical airport, here?" Harry asked, looking around at all the planes. "I don't see an airship."

"That's because it's hidden," Hermione explained. "The airship is disguised as a cloud. Look, over there, I bet that's it."

Percy studied the large cloud hovering over a distant dilapidated looking building at the edge of the airport. "Yes, that should be it. Come on, everyone get your trunks, we don't want to be late."

"Who died and left you in charge?" George demanded.

Mr. Weasley walked around and opened the boot. "Listen to your brother, Fred. Everyone get your trunks, were running a tad behind."

"But I'm-"

"We know," everyone said.

As they approached the dilapidated building, it started to shift and change, growing taller and taller, until it had quadrupled in height. It also became more ornate, built with fine hardwoods upon which intricate patterns had been etched. As Harry gazed up, he saw that the cloud was forming into a distinct shape; not a bulbous balloon shape, but sleek lines that looked like those of a wooden sailing ships bottom half. Instead of a sails at the top though, two large fans attached to the rear of the ship could be seen behind a haze of cloud.

Inside the building, a bored looking wizard in an archaic sailors uniform was waiting behind a desk.

"Three adults, seven children," Mr. Weasley said, taking out a large bag of galleons.

The wizard frowned, looking at the horde of ginger invaders. Percy nodded at him. "I'm the third adult, I'm 17 now."

"Right," the wizard said, trying to count the Weasleys. "You sure it's seven children?"

"It was the last time I counted," Mrs. Weasley said, turning back around and studying the group. "We haven't added anyone in the meantime have we dears?"

"Ha," the ticket agent said, taking the galleons and handing over the tickets. "Very funny."

"I don't think we've picked up anyone," Percy said, helping his mother count. "It's hard to tell though. There were supposed to be three girls, right?"

"Did you count yourself?" Fred asked, ducking away as Percy tried to slap him upside his head.

After riding a lift to the top, the Weasleys ran up to the Weatherlight, presenting their tickets. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley tried to keep everyone together, but all the children rushed to the rails, gazing down at the muggle airport below them.

"This is so cool!" Harry said, holding onto the rail and leaning forward. "I've never flown on an airplane and this has to be so much better!"

"I've flown a few times with my parents," Hermione said, coming over to stand by Harry. "It's usually pretty boring."

"Hermione, you've been on an airy plan?" Mr. Weasley gasped. "You must tell me, how does it work?"

While Hermione tried to explain the fundamentals of muggle flight to Mr. Weasley, the crew of the _Weatherlight_ began to cast off from the dock.

"Passengers, please head down to the cabins," one of the crew members said. "Captain Sisay wants the deck clear; there's stormy weather over the Channel today."

The Weasley's ended up taking two cabins, Mrs. Weasley and the girls in one and Mr. Weasley and the boys in the other. "

"Percy, you should go with them, much more room over there!" George said.

"Boys," Mr. Weasley said. "No fighting until we're on the ground. And then I'm putting Bill in charge of the lot of you."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" Harry asked Ron.

Ron shrugged. "That depends if you get to be on Bill's team or not. He's always been the toughest out of all of us, even though Charlie is faster."

That hadn't been quite what Harry was asking, but soon they were all too distracted as the _Weatherlight_ soared off into the sky amidst it's fluffy cloud barrier. The port holes in the room provided a good view of the land and sea below, and soon the ship was speeding out over the English channel.

Most of the ride in the ship was actually fairly boring. Even though they went through a storm, the ship stayed calm and steady thanks to its enhancements and protections, along with the expert handling of the crew. Still, once the storm had passed and they flew over Europe, the passengers were once again allowed out on deck, though most of them stayed in their rooms. The Weasleys all stood on deck, looking out at the passing countryside as it flew by at a rapid pace.

"Why isn't the wind trying to blow us off the deck?" Ron wondered.

"I'm just guessing here, but I think it's safe to say it's probably magic," Harry said.

Ron rolled his eyes, but since it was probably the right answer, he didn't say anything.

"Ooo, I wonder if we'll see any spotted cloud threshers or sky whales," Luna said, peering out at the fluffy bits of cloud forming in the ship's wake.

"Luna, sky whales are a myth," Percy lectured.

A passing crewmember stopped and shook his head. "You landwalkers don't know anything. Why, it's not been but a fortnight since the great sky whale, Vhati il-Dal, was spotted off the port bow when we were flying over the Adriatic. And you had best hope we don't run into any cloud threshers missy! They like to eat at the conjured clouds about the ship. The extra magic helps when they're ready to breed." Percy looked wide eyed as the sailor sauntered off, whistling to himself. "We're whalers on the moon, we carry a harpoon…"

Harry leaned close to Luna. "Have you ever seen a cloud thresher or a sky whale?"

She giggled and shook her head. "No, but just because you've never seen something doesn't mean that it isn't real."

"Makes sense. Muggles can't see anything that wizards do, so why shouldn't there be things wizards can't see?"

Luna sighed and hugged Harry's side. "That is a most sensible approach to take, Harry."

The attention was a bit embarrassing, but Harry didn't want to offend Luna, so he draped an arm over her shoulders, and together they looked out at the sky for possible phantoms coming to eat their protective clouds.

After a long day of sightseeing, the Weasley's went back down to their cabins to sleep. Harry lay on his bed long into the night, wondering just what his life would be like if he still lived with the Dursleys.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/

"Great Master sir, Dobby is bringing you more cakes!"

The fat boy nodded seriously, accepting the offering from the trembling elf. He took a bite, careful not to spill crumbs, as he had learned that Dobby would howl and bother his parents when he did so. "This is really good, Dobby," Dudley said.

Dobby nearly fainted, then bowed and smiled. "Thank you, thank you great Master sir!"

Dobby popped away, leaving the fat boy to munch on the cakes in his room happily.

Out in the garden, Vernon Dursley was lying in the weeds, clutching a string and a cricket bat. "Oh, I'll get you this time you little bastards. You thought you could outsmart me? Well, I got rid of all the rakes, oh yes I did. Said I was mad, but it was the rakes I tell you, they were enchanted! Bloody wizards think they got all of them, but oh no, I know better. They're out here, somewhere, unnatural little things."

A gnome snuck out from the hedge, watching the fat muggle mutter to himself. It eyed the sandwich under the box that was propped up by a stick tied to the string the man was holding, and licked its lips. It motioned to its comrades, and the gnomes crept out. One ran over to the fat muggle and bit him, square on the ankle.

"You fat ugly git, you wot mate!" the gnome squeaked.

With a roar, Vernon sprang to his feet and started limping after the gnome, his cricket bat bashing the turf and sending bits of grass and sod everywhere.

"I'll have your mum!" both the gnome and the man shrieked.

The rest of the gnomes hurried forward, grabbing the sandwich from under the box and scurrying back under the hedge. When the decoy saw his comrades success, he let out a final, "Jog on ya tosser!" and ran back under the hedge.

From the window, Petunia leaned back from the blinds, scrubbing the already clean plate again and again. "There is no such things as magic, there is no such thing as magic," she repeated to herself, over and over as Vernon battered the hedges with his cricket bat.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\\\\\/\/\\\\\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\

"Oh ho, is this the little blighter that snuck his way into mums heart?"

Harry found himself lifted up into the air to be crushed in a bear hug. "Oof!"

"Oi, Bill, let him down, I've got to meet the kid who got Ron onto the team in my old position!"

The brawny ginger with a pony tale gave Harry a final squeeze, then launched him through the air towards his leaner but taller younger brother, who snatched Harry out of the air and swung him down to the ground, rubbing his knuckles on Harry's forehead. "Ah, he looks like a proper Weasley this one does! Red hair, my old trousers, and nothing but trouble!"

"Hey knock it off," Harry laughed, batting away Charlie Weasley's hands. "I'm not a little kid anymore!"

"Nah, you're still a sprog," Charlie laughed, but he relented and patted Harry on the back. "Good to finally meet ya kiddo. Now, where's my favorite sister? Wait, hold on, did they clone Gin-Gin, or has mum been stealing kids off the muggles again?"

"Oh, only Hermione came from the muggles," Luna said, smiling vaguely up at Charlie and Bill. "I came from Ravenclaw before I was sorted into the Weasley house."

Charlie laughed, rubbing Luna's own red hair. "You must be Luna then! I remember when you were nothin' but a squirt, playing with Ginny out in the garden!" He sobered then, and rested hand on Luna's shoulder. "Sorry to hear about your mum. She was a good woman."

"It's OK, now that I'm a Weasley, I can just use yours. She even told me about the appropriate application of love potions. I've decided to wait to dose Harry for a few years though."

Bill and Charlie exchanged a look, and Bill shrugged. "Well, old Xeno was always a bit queer, no wonder his daughter turned out to be an odd bird." Then he smiled and winked. "Fit right in with this lot though, they're all barmy."

"Hey!" Ginny said, jumping onto Bill so that he had to catch her. "What about me? I am still your favorite sister?"

"I don't know, it seems I've acquired two more! I'll have to see which of you can be the most fun!"

"I think maybe I might have to choose Luna as my favorite sister," Charlie mused. "But where's the other one?"

Harry pointed over to the edge of the airship dock, where Giza and the Great Pyramids were clearly visible in the background. Hermione was lecturing Ron and Percy on the history and significance of each Pyramid, joy written across her face as she gesticulated wildly. "I'm pretty sure she read about those in a book somewhere, so naturally they're the most interesting thing here as far as she's concerned."

Fred and George punched Bill in the arm, laughing as he grabbed both of them and wrestled them off. "Ha! Looks like Hermione's going to follow in your footsteps William the Lesser!"

"She's head girl for sure, complete nerd."

"Hey now, isn't that the girl I heard stole the Philosopher's stone and dueled the Gilderoy Lockhart to a standstill?" Bill demanded as he got each of the twins in a headlock.

"Ow! Hey, it was me who got the stone!"

"Yeah, and we were the ones who helped her with Lockhart!"

Bill and Charlie let out heavy sighs and shook their heads, looking at Ginny with morose expressions on their faces. "Sorry Gin-Gin, looks like the position of favorite sister has been usurped!"

Ginny's face reddened and she kicked at Bill's shins as the twins let out a cry of glee and tried to wrestle Charlie to the ground again.

Before everything could dissolve into a brawl, a reporter bustled over, his grin showing several gold teeth. "Hello, you are the Weasley family, yes? I am Ahmed Hassan, reporter for Daewat Min Finiks! I would like to get a picture of all of you, as you are the famous family whose children not only stole the Philosopher's Stone and destroyed a basilisk, but also dueled the Great Gilderoy Lockhart, the very man who slew the Mummy of the Tomb of Mamluks!"

Everyone came over, and Ron pulled Scabbers out of his pocket and placed him on his shoulder. "Better get a picture of Scabbers too, he helped fool Supreme Danger Noodle while we were in the Chamber of Secrets."

The reporter looked at Ron incredulously, until Harry shrugged. "I'm a Parselmouth, that's what the Basilisk called herself."

"Hmm, perhaps that is more threatening to native English speakers, I am not so good with your idioms. Now, say 'Pyramids!'"

"Pyramids!" everyone said, smiling at the camera as it flashed.

Later, the Daily Prophet would buy the rights to the photo from Daewat Min Finiks and run an article on the 700 Galleon Draw winners. Which of course would not have any far reaching consequences at all.

Siriusly.

 _Authors Note:_

 _Now that Harry is 13, it's only proper that we focus on the real reason people read fanfiction: Romance! I put up a list of potential partners for Harry that everyone can vote on. I hope you find the selection diverse and to your tastes._

 _The Poll is over. Again, it was big joke. The only choice was Luna Lovegood, because that's the girl who I'm going to inflict the most "character development" on, and the one Harry rescued from the Chamber. Kinda. Sorta. Ok, maybe it was Lockhart, but Luna/Lockhart is just gross._

The results were as follows:

Luna and her imaginary friends 29 (33%)

2 Luna (Honorary) Weasley 25 (28%)

3 Draco Malfoy's acquaintance, Luna Lovegood 11 (12%)

4 Luna Lovegood 6 (6%)

5 Hermione Gra- Just kidding, Luna Lovegood 5 (5%)

6 Xenophilius' daughter 4 (4%)

7 Luna L 3 (3%)

8 Luna 2 (2%)

9 L Lovegood 1 (1%)

10 Luna "Loony" Lovegood 1 (1%) This one was actually me.


	12. Chp 12: It's Just a Prank, Bro

_This document beta'd by the scrupulous Averant_

 _Chapter 12: It's Just a Prank, Bro_

"So the first thing you need to learn about Egypt is that basically everything is cursed. You see that bit of pottery? Cursed. Those empty tombs? Cursed. That camel? Definitely cursed. Also, the locals are all barmy, and will literally try to sell you sand. Don't buy it, it's probably cursed."

The Weasley family was following Bill through the ancient city of Luxor. It was not, however, the Luxor that most tourists visited, but the magical side. Goblins and animal headed creatures called godlings could be seen hawking wares from stalls and carts, and in the case of the Horus' War Mage Supplies, that was quite literal.

"Ah, my friends, you are looking like you will be needing many fantastic supplies for fighting horrific monsters, yes?" the hawk-headed vendor said as the Weasley's went by.

Harry paused, glancing at Ron and Hermione. "Actually, we might be in the market. What do you have to fend of Defense Against the Dark Arts Professors?"

"Give it a rest Harry, Lockhart wasn't actually evil," Ron said.

"He wasn't, but what about the next one?" Harry demanded. "Plus, even if Lockhart wasn't evil, Luna did get possessed by the younger version of You-Know-Who. Plus, Sleepy the Wonder Turban is still out there. I'm sure he's got something evil planned for this year."

Hermione bit her lip, glancing between the two boys. "Ooo, I don't know Harry. Maybe Ron's right and this will be a perfectly normal school year."

"Ah, you are English yes, going to Hogwarts? You be trusting me, there is no such thing as normal at the school for you Englishes. Here, I am having amulet that will keep off evil spirits." The vendor held up an amulet, shaped like a black dog's head.

Harry reached out to take it, until his hand was smacked away. "What did Bill just tell you?" Charlie said, shaking his head in disappointment. "That looks like a bloody grim it does. Keep off evil spirits my arse. Why, I bet that thing would attract a grim and get you all killed."

"Lies, horrible lies! I would never be selling such an artifact! This is anubis amulet, guardian the afterlife and of lost souls. Very powerful magic, only ten sickles!"

"Look, you want a protective amulet, ask Bill. He's probably capable of making a halfway decent one. Don't go buying things off street vendors. They'll sell you your own shoes and make you think you got a good deal. Come on."

Reluctantly, Harry allowed himself to be lead away from the vendor and his cries. Somehow, that anubis amulet had seemed like just the thing he needed to keep away trouble.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

"Now, this is one of the famous Magician's Pyramids. This one in particular is the Pyramid of Jannes and Jambres, the magicians who contested Moses in the bible. Now, as you know, Moses was famous for his ability to transfigure everyday objects into living beings, something that baffled the Ancient Egyptian magicians as he was the one to invent it. However, these two-"

Harry and Luna followed behind Percy deeper into the musty pyramid as Percy continued his lecture on ancient Egypt.

"You really think we'll find a crumple horned snorkack in here?" Harry asked, pointing his wands light into the dark corners of the ancient tomb. Skittering sounds from various creatures could be heard in the echoing halls, along with Percy's droning lecture.

Luna shrugged, her own wand light wandering over the ancient tombs faded paintings. "I'm not sure, but it seems as good a place as any to look."

Behind them, Harry and Luna heard a grinding noise and giggling. They spun about as the daylight faded and the door of the pyramid clicked shut.

"Percy?" Harry called, his voice quavering slightly. "I think the door just closed."

Beside Harry, Luna silently slipped her hand into his and gave it a squeeze. "It's OK, it's probably just an Egyptian ghost, playing pranks. Oh! Or maybe it's a glowering rogon. I've always wanted to see one!"

Percy's lecture trailed off and he hurried back to where the two younger redheads were standing. "What? The door closed?"

"Yes, we were looking for crumple horned snorkacks, and the door closed behind us," Luna said. "I think I heard laughing, it was probably a glowering rogon, they like to trick people into traps and seal them there. Later, they come back to feast on their remains."

Percy frowned. "Laughing? Ugh. Luna, it wasn't a glowering rogon or a blibbering humbinger, it was Fred and George playing one of their asinine pranks. They're just jealous because I got my letter letting me know I'm head boy this year."

"It's a blibbering humdinger, and they're not native to Egypt. I'm pretty sure it was a glowering rogon," Luna corrected.

"Whatever. I'll get us out of here, never you fear." Percy walked up to the door and waved his wand, chanting a few spells. The door, however, refused to budge.

Harry started to sweat, looking around at the suddenly sinister pyramid, his wand light seeming too feeble to banish the darkness. "Luna, do you think that the glowering rogan will be back to eat us?" Harry whispered.

"Oh no, it won't be back for days until we've died of thirst," Luna said brightly. "Until then we should really worry about the il-dal, the spirits of the dead that haunt tombs and wish to drag off intruders to an eternal rest."

"Come on you two, we've got to find another way out," Percy said, stalking back towards them. "I refuse to let those two hooligans ruin our vacation."

Harry held tight to Luna's hand, both of their palms sweaty and their grips tight as they followed Percy through the tomb. "Are you scared?" Harry asked quietly.

"Of course not. You're here with me," Luna said, giving Harry another big smile. "And Percy too. As long as I have my friends, why should I be scared?"

Swallowing his fear, Harry managed to smile. "Yeah. I guess it's not so bad with you here."

After a few minutes of wandering, they came to a wall of hieroglyphs and paintings. Percy studied them, his wand light passing over the images. "Hmm. This is actually quite interesting. I looks as though this depicts Jannes and Jambre's battle with Moses. See here, he's turning his staff into a snake, and the other magicians are working out how to do it."

"Is that like the spell Draco used to summon a snake when he dueled Ginny?" Harry asked.

"Not quite, as that's a summons and not a transfiguration. However, that is a spell devised by Egyptians as well. I believe it was the magician Imhotep who first developed the snake summoning charm."

About an hour later, Harry, Luna, and Percy had thoroughly explored the tomb, discovering several excellently preserved artifacts and wall paintings and even a friendly ghost who showed them around for a bit, despite the fact that he only spoke ancient Egyptian. It had actually been quite interesting, and Luna had even discovered a scarab beetle that blinked in and out of existence.

"I knew the vanishing beetle borg was real!" Luna said, examining the jar that was currently empty with her free hand. Her other hand was still clutching Harry's.

"Yes, but how can we prove it's real if it keeps vanishing like that?" Harry asked.

"As long as you and I know, does it really matter if anyone else does?"

Harry was still pondering the answer to that question when he heard echoing calls through the tomb.

"Hmph! Guess mum and dad finally noticed we were missing," Percy said. "Come on, let's get back to the entrance."

It took a few minutes of wandering, but they were finally located by Bill. "There you three are! I caught the twin terrors sniggering to themselves and realized they'd locked you in here. We've already gotten Ron and Hermione out of the one they stuck them in. Honestly, I understand the pranks but this is dangerous! Who knows what you could run into in these old tombs."

"We found a vanishing beetle borg," Harry said, reluctantly letting go of Luna's hand.

Bill frowned, looking at the empty jar Luna held up. "Huh. Well, anyway, come on, it's time for tea."

They all sat down in the shade of one of the cliffs, Mrs. Weasley setting out biscuits and hot cups of tea for everyone.

"You two got locked in a tomb as well?" Percy asked, sitting down next to Hermione and Ron. "I hope you weren't too put out."

Both of them flushed and looked away from each other.

"It was fine," Ron mumbled.

Hermione nodded, not meeting anyone's eyes. "We weren't scared at all."

"I was a bit scared at first, but then Harry held my hand and everything was OK. What about you?" Luna asked brightly.

Ron developed a coughing fit, and Hermione mumbled under her breath. Seeing how uncomfortable his brother and honorary sister were, Harry held up the jar. "Look, we found a vanishing beetle borg. Oh, look, it's vanished again."

Behind them, Ginny quietly passed Fred and George a sickle apiece. "Not bad, but next time, don't lock them in with Percy."

The twins nodded gravely, pocketing the cash. "Now, who should we lock you in with little sis?"

Ginny rolled her eyes. "If I knew that, I wouldn't go telling you, would I?"

"Hmm. What about that Harry Potter bloke?"

"Still fancy him?"

"Bit of a git from what I've heard."

"Still, he is famous."

"Too right brother mine. Nothing but the best for Gin-Gin."

"Stop it you two, or I'm telling Percy about your crushes on Angelina and Alicia."

The twins laughed and shook their heads. "What's he going to do about it?"

Ginny grinned wickedly. "Oh, I don't know, maybe set Colin Creevy to follow you around and snap pictures whenever you have a quiet moment."

Horror struck, the twins gaped at Ginny before shutting their mouths and shaking their heads. "Looks like we've got step up our game. Don't want to be out done by our own sister do we?"

Ginny sniffed. "As long as I'm still your favorite sister."

/\\\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

After two weeks in Egypt, it was once more time to depart. Harry hugged his two older brothers tightly when it was time to go.

"I'll miss you both. Write often!" Harry said.

Bill and Charlie laughed and promised they would. "I'll try and make it to a quidditch game some day, I'd like to see you and Ron trading off, brilliant prank that."

Once more they rode the _Weatherlight_ through the sky, the sea and land passing by beneath them for two days of flying. Though he kept a lookout for any strange phantasms or monsters in the sky, Harry didn't see much of anything interesting. Still, it was fun to play on deck with the others or watch as the world passed below them.

When they arrived back in England, everyone piled back into the car for the drive back to the Burrow, and immediately began arguing over who got the window seats, even Luna and Hermione. Along the way they dropped Hermione off with her parents, then headed back to the Burrow. Once there Luna flooed back home, and everyone had chores to do around the house and farm. The complex charms around the animals to keep them fed were wearing off, and Harry had to do something about the spilled milk around the cows from the overflowing self milking buckets that had been set up.

Just as he was finishing mucking out the barn with Ron and Ginny, Mr. Weasley came running outside, his face red. "Get inside, all of you, now!"

No one argued; it was rare enough to see Mr. Weasley panicked and distraught, and rarer still to see him with his wand drawn, looking around for trouble.

"Dad, what is it?" Ron asked once they got back inside the house. Percy had his own wand out, and Fred and George were actually sitting quietly at the table, their faces pale. Mrs. Weasley was locking the back door and muttering some spells over it.

Mr. Weasley pointed to the paper from two days before, laying on the table. On the front, a deranged looking wizard howled and ranted as he was hauled away by aurors. The headline read:

 **SIRIUS BLACK ESCAPES FROM AZKABAN.**

Once mum and dad returned from activating the Burrows more aggressive defensive measures, everyone sat down at the table.

"Harry, I don't suppose you know the story of Sirius Black. It's an old, painful tale, but it's one you need to hear," Mr. Weasley said. "You know that Voldemort murdered the Potters, right?"

"Yes, Ron told me about it during my first year."

"Well, there was a bit more to it than that. You see, your parents house was protected by a powerful, ancient spell. The fidelius charm. This charm prevents anyone from finding out a secret unless they are informed of it. It can be a person, a place, or a thing that is protected. Unless you know the secret, you cannot find the place. However, there is a trick to the fidelius charm. Whatever is being protected by the charm cannot itself be protected the secret. For example, if we were to place the Burrow under the fidelius charm, none of us could be the secret keeper if we lived here. After only a short time, our presence would unravel the protective magic. So you see, your parents had to have another person keep their secret so they would remain safe."

"Was it you and mum?" Harry asked, his eyes growing wide.

Arthur and Molly took each others hands. Mum was crying silently, dabbing at her cheeks. Dad shook his head, smiling sadly. "No, Harry. It wasn't us. We knew your parents, but we were not close. We are actually quite a bit older than your parents were, and never knew them outside of- well, that's not important right now. No, one of their own friends was secret keeper. Sirius Black."

Harry glanced around the table. Percy looked grim and determined. Fred and George were actually serious for once, making no effort to add levity to the situation. Ginny was as much of a mess as mum, her eyes red and filled with tears. Ron sat beside Harry, his hand on Harry's shoulder, trying to look brave.

"Is that why he's in prison? Because he betrayed the secret?" Harry asked.

Dad shook his head slowly. "Not entirely. That's part of it, to be sure, but it's not all of it. You see, once he did betray your parents, he set about on a mad killing spree. Another friend of your parents, Peter Pettigrew, tried to stop him, to keep him from killing a street full of muggles. He only managed to stun Black though, and he died along with 13 muggles. All they found of Peter was a finger. After that, Black was locked up in Azkaban."

"I know what that is: wizard prison," Harry said. "Mum threatened to send me there when I stole some treacle tart once."

Molly looked mortified at this, and reached out to put her hand on Harry's. "Harry, dear, you have to know I was just angry with you. We would never...Azkaban is a terrible place. The dementors there are so awful…."

"But why now?" Percy asked. "After all these years, how did Black get out?''

Fred grimaced. "It's obvious, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Sleepy the Wonder Turban."

"He's got You-Know-Who on the back of his head, right?"

"Black was one of old Voldy's best minions, right?'

"So, Sleepy realizes that his plan to kill Harry with the basilisk didn't work."

"Now he's gone and gotten Black out so he can kill Harry for him."

Dad was silent for a long moment, then nodded. "That is a surprisingly well thought out chain of logic. I have to say, that seems very likely. Which means that if Black learns where Harry lives, he'll come straight here."

"And failing that, he'll try something at Hogwarts," Percy added. "We have to protect ourselves."

"Could we use the fidelius charm?" Ginny asked. "That would keep the Burrow safe, and no one would know Harry lived here."

"Your father and I have talked about just such a thing before," mum said. "I think it would be wise, but who could be our secret keeper?"

"Why not Luna's dad?" Ron asked. "No one would ever suspect him."

"I'm not sure if Xenophilius has the right...temperament," Mr. Weasley hedged.

"Well, what about Professor Dumbledore?" Percy asked.

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley flushed bright red. "Well, you see, there is the small matter of the fact that no one actually knows Harry lives here now."

"Well, Luna, Hermione and their parents know," Harry pointed out. "So you could either use Hermione or Xenophilius."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"Let me get this straight. You have a life threatening secret that you need kept, and I am your first choice?"

The Weasley's all looked slightly guilty, but finally it was Ron who spoke up. "You're family. We trust you more than anyone."

Hermione flushed with pleasure at that, and nodded. "Alright, if you think I'm really the best one, I'm willing to learn how to use the spell."

"It's a complicated bit of magic," Mr. Weasley said, taking out his wand. "It make take you the rest of the summer to learn it."

Two hours later, Hermione had mastered the Fidelius charm.

Everyone went to the edge of the Burrow's property, and Hermione performed the spell, chanting and pacing around as she waved her wand. The incantation complete, everyone blinked and looked around.

"Where'd the house go?" Ron asked, blinking as he looked towards where the Burrow had stood not a moment before. "I can't remember, but I think it should be right there."

"That's because of the Fidelius, Ron," Hermione lectured. "I haven't told you the secret yet, so you don't know where it is."

"Oh. Right." Ron flushed, but listened as Hermione spoke again.

"The Burrow is in Ottery St Catchpole in Devon, England."

Harry gasped as the Burrow seemed to spring back to it's proper place right before his eyes. "I'd completely forgotten," he murmured. "That's amazing."

"Hermione, you really are the brightest witch of our generation," Ron said seriously. "I don't think anyone else who's only 13 years old could ever have managed that."

"Yes, well, I suppose you could have with practice, Ron," Hermione muttered, looking very pleased at the praise.

"Can she still come back to the house?" Ginny asked. "Or will the magic break down right away?"

"No more than a few hours," Mr. Weasley explained. "For now though I'll go get the car and take her back home. Thank you, Hermione. We're in your debt."

"Nonsense, we're all Weasleys, right?" Hermione fingered her own red hair, smiling at Mr. Weasley as she did so.

Laughing, Mr. Weasley nodded. "I suppose so, even if you are only an honorary Weasley. For now, anyway. Well, I'll just go get the car then."

/\/\/\/\\\/\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\/\/\\\/\/\\\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

A black dog crept up the hill, it's hackles risen as it growled and sniffed the air. It's prey should be near, it knew it. It stepped forward, out of the woods, and stopped. It was gone. The whole house, the barn, the fields, the orchard. All gone. It growled angrily. Fidelius. Those meddling Weasleys had placed their property under the Fidelius charm! The dog changed into a man, who snuck around the property, trying to find a way in, but unable to locate one. Damn them! Who would be the secret keeper? He had no idea, he'd been gone for too long, for too long had he allowed his prey to remain free.

"Harry," the man growled. "I'm coming for you." The man turned back into the dog, and ran off into the night.

A week later, the night before the students would leave for Hogwarts, the dog arrived at Hogsmeade. It snuck through the town, looking through trash bins and discarded rubbish for food. It was boney and skeletal, but it's eyes burned with a feverish intensity. It made it's way past the town to a dilapidated shack, but paused. It sniffed the air and crept forward. Flinching, the dog recoiled. It recognized that smell: Werewolf. One werewolf in particular: Moony. Moony! He could ruin everything, he'd always been suspicious, he'd never let the dog kill its prey. Growling, the dog stalked away into the Forbidden Forest. There were some caves it could seek shelter in.

As it wandered through the forest, the dog shifted back to a man for a bit, trying to think. It was easier to think when it walked on two legs, but also more vulnerable. As he wandered, Black became lost in his dark thoughts of death and murder, of his hunger for revenge, to complete his mission.

He stumbled into a clearing and froze. A dead unicorn lay before him, and a dark shape was feeding upon it. Suddenly, the shape flew forward, wand extended.

"Fool! You interrupt my feeding! I will slay you for your impudence and-"

"Silence you gibbering moron, do you not know who this is?"

Black had been about to flee, but paused as he witnessed the most bizarre conversation he'd ever seen as the figure paced back and forth, jerking and talking to the back of its own head.

"No master, I do not, who is it?"

"This is Sirius Black! Remember, we read about him in the Prophet only yesterday!"

"Oh, I only read the Quibbler, it has better funnies than the Prophet."

"Fool! Simpleton! Do you not recall he was listed as the greatest of my servants!"

"Oh." The mad man paused, coming up to Black who eyed with a large measure of distrust. "Sorry, don't think we've met." Pulling back the hood, the man smiled. "Hello there, I'm Quirrell. I'm the most loyal and faithful servant of the Dark Lord! How do you do?"

Black hesitantly shook the offered hand, not really sure what to make of this. "Do you always introduce yourself as a Death Eater, or just to strange men you meet in the forest who witness you doing unspeakable and profane acts?"

"Oh, you know, mostly just during business. Usually after I say that master or I kill all the witnesses! I wonder, does that mean I should kill you?"

Before Black could flee, the man jerked and spun around. Black flinched away at the hideous thing on the back of the man's skull: A snake like face with glowing red eyes.

"Hello, Sirius Black. The Prophet said you were my most faithful and powerful servant. Tell me, are you still loyal to your master?"

"Er, what happens if I say no?"

"Well, then I guess we'll have to go with Plan A, where I kill you and drain the life from your body."

"Oh, well then yes. Definitely. Yep, that's me, Sirius Black, world renowned Death Eater."

"Excellent!" Voldequirrell threw an arm around Sirius and started walking jerkily with him. "You see, I'm in a bit of a pickle. I want that retched brat slain! She's ruined my plans twice, and I cannot-"

"I'm sorry, but did you just say 'she?' Because unless something really odd has happened, I'm pretty sure Harry Potter is still a boy."

"What? Oh, him. Well, yes, if you get the chance, I suppose slaying another Weasley wouldn't be too bad."

Black blinked. Another Weasley? Well, Harry did have his mother's hair, but really, he wasn't a Weasley. What was this nonsense?

"No, the one I really desire to see slain is that impudent brat, the female Weasley! Not only did she steal the Philosopher's stone from me, but then she dueled Lockhart, bound him to her will, and destroyed my precious diary and prevented my glorious rebirth!"

"Wait, a girl did this? Who?"

Voldequirrell grimaced. "That notorious heroine, Hermione, the Honorary Weasley! She defeated my troll, you know. I thought it was safe, sending it after a scared little girl, but no, she exploded that beast's head. Then she sussed out last year that an evil plot was brewing and used her minions, that horrendous brood of Weasleys, and tracked down the Chamber of Secrets! She is a cunning, and fierce foe. Once, I thought it was Harry who was my nemesis, but no longer. Now I know it to be her! I checked you know. According to the Chinese calendar, it was SHE who was born at the end of the 7th month! I should have known, lunar calendars are very auspicious in prophecies you know."

Black had not the slightest clue what the Dark Lord was babbling about, but as he was unarmed and Voldemort was the single most powerful wizard in existence, excepting possibly the old fool at the school, he wasn't going to interrupt or argue.

Quirrell spoke up from the other side of the head. "And you know, her parents are both dentists, which according to the Quibbler are a part of the Rotfang conspiracy and are working to bring down the ministry. They've been at it for years! Bet they raised their filthy mudblood daughter just to be the Dark Lord's bane."

"Oh, of course, makes perfect sense," Black agreed, wondering just how crazy the Dark Lord had become in the intervening years.

"That is why I charge you, my minion, to break into the school and slay my greatest foe: THE SHE WEASLEY, THE GIRL-WHO-FOUGHT-MONSTERS!"

"Yeah, um, OK. And if say, other members of the Weasley family were to die along the way?"

"Perfect! You would be richly rewarded!"

Sirius Black pondered this, and made the only logical decision. "Well, sign me up for that I guess."

 _Authors note:_

 _Many thanks and welcome to my new beta, Averant, for helping me edit this chapter._


	13. Chp 13: Give us a Kiss, love

_This document beta'd by the scrupulous Averant_

 _Chapter 13: Give us a Kiss love_

September 1st arrived, and with it, bedlam at the Burrow. Everyone was running about, packing things at the last minute, trying to finish breakfast, and get a shower before all the hot water got used. Even Harry managed to forget his toothbrush and had to scramble back up the stairs to get it and hustle back down to the car. Finally, with everyone and everything aboard, the car set off for the train station.

"Oh no!" Harry yelled when they were passing down the lane. "I forgot Hedwig!"

"We're not going back again," Mr. Weasley said firmly. "Hedwig can fly herself to the school. She is, after all, an owl."

With only 7 minutes to spare, the Weasley clan washed over Kings Cross like a ginger tide, causing several muggles to question their sanity as they vanished into thin air. Fortunately, as the sanity of muggles was always somewhat questionable, that didn't really affect anything.

Hugs and kisses were given, and for the first time Harry was slightly embarrassed to have his mum and dad hug and kiss him in front of all his schoolmates. Still, he didn't squirm nearly as much as Ron, and together they piled onto the train, stowing their luggage in Luna and Hermione's compartment.

"Excuse me, I've a meeting with the prefects to inform them of their duties," Percy said. He nodded to Hermione and Luna. "Good to see you again, ladies. Do try to keep these miscreants from causing too much damage."

"So, Harry, I noticed I couldn't find your house anymore," Luna said. "Did you move it?"

Hermione slapped her forehead. "Oh, sorry Luna! The Burrow is in Ottery St Catchpole in Devon, England."

"Oh. You know, until you said that Hermione, I had quite forgotten. Did you hide the Burrow? Or did Sirius Black steal it?"

"Hermione's our secret keeper," Ron explained. "She cast the Fidelius charm to keep it hidden from Sirius Black."

"Hmm, wouldn't just inviting in a couple of colonies of wrackspurts been easier? But then, you would probably have forgotten to come to school and I would have been very lonely without Tom."

That created a rather uncomfortable silence, in which everyone but Luna felt rather guilty. "Oh, would you just look at the time," Fred finally said, glancing at his bare wrist.

"We should go check on Angelina and Alicia," George declared, standing and hustling out of the compartment.

Ron reached up into his trunk and dug out his chess set. "Fancy a game, Hermione?"

"Why not," Hermione agreed. "I studied that books of chess tactics you lent me Ron, it was very informative."

Luna got out a couple of copies of the quibbler, lending Harry one. Together, they worked on the various puzzles and riddles inside, laughing and guessing at the various ridiculous questions.

As the train drew nearer to Hogwarts, Harry noticed that it was slowing down and stopping. "What's going on?" he asked, looking out the window.

Ron and Hermione looked up from their second game, frowning. "I don't know, was there an accident of some sort?" Hermione said.

Luna shivered uncontrollably, growing paler than usual. "It's Tom. Harry, I can hear him again! He's coming."

Harry reached out and grabbed Luna, drawing his wand as a chill took him. "No, it can't be we destroyed...we destroyed…" Harry's eyes grew wide, and his wand slipped from his numb fingers.

 _Lily, get Harry and run, I'll hold him off!_

 _No, please, not Harry, take me, take me!_

 _AVADA KEDAVERA!_

He collapsed onto Luna, his mind going numb and blank as Hermione and Ron shouted for help.

Sometime later, Harry floated back to consciousness, a slight pain gripping his chest and his arms burning from exertion. He blinked, realizing that the pain was Luna gripping him in a bear hug as he clung desperately to her. Slowly, he relaxed his arms, but didn't let go as he convulsed with shivers.

"Ah, you're awake. Here. Drink this. It will help."

A warm cup was pressed to Harry's lips, and he drank greedily. The soothing warmth of hot cocoa filled his belly, and Harry coughed as the cup was removed. Someone slipped Harry's glasses back on, and his vision focused on the concerned face of a strange, scarred man.

"Who...who are you? What happened? Where's Voldemort?" Harry demanded, trying to sit up. He stopped struggling when Luna whimpered slightly, settling back down and keeping a protective arm around her.

"I'm Professor Remus Lupin. You and this young lady appear to have a most severe reaction to the dementors. Here, help her sit up, I've got more hot chocolate."

Harry helped Luna sit, but she began to weep, clinging to Harry. "No, I do have friends, I do, I'm not alone, mummy I'm sorry! I'm sorry, it was my fault! Mummy don't go!"

"Drink this, Luna, I'm here," Harry said gently as he helped Luna sip from the cup.

Obediently, Luna drained her cup, her large eyes blinking away tears as she cast about the room. "Oh Harry, I don't...I'm so sorry Harry. It was just, I saw my mum again, she was with Tom, he was hurting her, Harry, draining her life instead of mine, and it was all my fault."

"That would probably be your worst fear," Professor Lupin said gently, taking the cup and filling it from a silver thermos. "Dementors make us relive our most terrible memories and conjure up our worst nightmares. Rarely do they reflect the truth though, as under the influence of a dementor your deepest, blackest reality comes to life." Lupin passed the cup back, and Harry and Luna took turns sipping from it.

"Where are Ron and Hermione?" Harry demanded. "Are they alright?"

Lupin grimaced, but nodded. "They tried to defend you from the dementors, and were badly shaken by the entire experience. They're with the rest of the Weasley clan. I sent them off so I could have a private word with the two of you. Don't worry, they'll be back soon. Harry, Luna," Remus hesitated, but then pressed on. "Your reaction is very worrisome, but considering the lives you have lead, not unsurprising. I'm the new defense against the Dark Arts teacher, and I think we're going to need to do some special training with the two of you. There are some special spells I can teach you to help ward off the dementors."

"But they're gone, right? The dementors? Back to Azkaban?" Luna asked.

Remus shook his head. "I'm afraid not. They're going to be patrolling around Hogwarts to keep off Sirius Black. There is evidence he has taken up residence near Hogsmeade. The dementors have never lost a prisoner before, and they are very angry. They hunger for his fear, for his terror, and they will spread more among the general populace until they recapture their victim."

Luna and Harry exchanged a concerned look, but then nodded. "We'd like to learn those special spells, sir. Especially if there are going to be more dementors."

"Very good. Ah, I think I hear your friends and family coming. I'll leave you alone then, but I'll be around." Lupin stood and opened the compartment, stepping out as Percy, Penelope, Fred, George, Ginny, Ron, and Hermione all piled in.

"Oh my God Luna, are you alright?" Penelope asked, sitting next to Luna and putting her arm around the younger girl's shoulders. Harry and Luna were still stuck together like limpets, but slowly relaxed and let each other go.

"Harry, are you alright? I came as soon as I could," Percy panted. "The dementors...it was bad. No one else had the same reaction as you did, but no one came out unscathed. I thought I heard...Never mind. You're alright, so everything is OK."

"I'm fine now, I think," Harry said, glancing over at Luna who was being embraced by Ginny and Hermione. "I thought I heard...it was my parents, and Voldemort. I saw them...I saw them being killed. Not our parents, but Lily and James Potter. It was...it was bad."

"It'll be OK mate," Ron promised. "They've got the Fidelius charm, you know? No one can get in there unless Hermione gives the say so."

"Harrykins, we heard that the dementors are going to be around Hogwarts," Fred said.

George nodded, his expression unusually grim. "We don't want you or Luna going anywhere alone."

"We'll check and see if the map can track dementors."

"But either way, you need one of us older blokes with you."

"From what Ron told us, it tried to Kiss you and Luna."

Harry made a face, but Percy shook his head. "No, Harry, not a normal kiss. The Dementor's Kiss eats the soul of it's victim. If it had kissed you, you would be nothing but an empty husk, still alive, but with no life in you. It's a fate worse than death."

"And they let these things near a school with children in it?" Hermione demanded shrilly. "That's completely mad!"

"It was the minister's idea," Percy said tiredly. "They told us in our Prefect's meeting."

"Well sod him," Ron grumbled. "He's a right bastard."

"Ron," Hermione said. She licked her lips, then sighed. "He is a bloody git, but we have to think of ways to help Harry. If Sirius Black is caught, then the dementors will go away, right?"

The others nodded, and Ron's eyes lit with understanding. "Then it's up to us to catch Sirius Black!"

Back at Hogwarts, Minerva McGonagall felt a chill run down her spine, and she dropped her cup of tea. For some reason, she just knew that this year was going to be the most trying one on record. And that included the Marauders' Seventh Year.

/\\\/\/\\\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\\\/

After the terrifying encounter, the Feast wasn't nearly as much fun as it had been the last two years. Back in Gryffindor tower, Harry hugged Luna and went straight to bed, still slightly shivering. Ron went up to the dorm as well, sitting on his bed and studying his Defense Against the Dark Arts book in a rather uncharacteristic move on his part. Ron had grown a lot over the last two years though, and he would stop at nothing to help his brother and honorary sister. In the girls dorm, Hermione did much the same thing, taking notes and trying to discern a weakness that the dementors might have.

The next morning everyone received their schedules. Ron, on the recommendation of Hermione, was taking Muggle Studies and Care of Magical Creatures. Harry was taking Care of Magical Creatures and Ancient Runes, as those looked the most interesting to him once Hermione had talked him out of Divination as a "useless subject best suited to simple minded cretins too dim to realize we make our own fate." Hermione herself was taking three subjects, Care of Magical Creatures, Ancient Runes, and Arithmancy. She had thought about trying to take every subject, but Percy had informed her that was impossible as not only was there overlap between classes, but she would work herself to death and he wasn't allowing that to happen to his honorary sister on his watch.

"If only there were some convenient method of time travel that would only be relevant to the plot for one school year and then we could promptly forget about it, despite time travel being an easy solution to all our problems," Hermione lamented, leaning up against the fourth wall of the common room.

"That would completely violate any narrative flow and the laws of causality though," Percy said, coming over to the fourth wall and leading Hermione away from it. "Plus, time travel stories always give me a headache."

Harry was glad to have Care of Magical Creatures with Ron and Hermione, especially since Hagrid was the new professor for the class. As they walked out on the grounds, Malfoy and his goons spied them and started taunting.

"Oooo, look, it's fainting Harry the Weasel! Look out Harry, it's the dementors," Malfoy called. Crabbe and Goyle pulled their robes up and made moaning sounds as they flapped their wings.

Ron clenched his fists and made to draw his wand, but Hermione and Harry held him back. "Let it go, Ron, it's not worth it," Harry said.

"I hear Loopy Luna fainted as well. I'd say Harry's as much of a girl as she is, but she's so ugly that I-"

Harry and Hermione let go of Ron and the same time. Neither of them bothered to go for their wands, instead leaping forward toward the three Slytherin boys. Malfoy had just enough time to realise he's been taunting Hermione "I beat Lockhart in a Duel" Granger-Weasley before she broke his nose. Harry and Ron had an easy time with Crabbe and Goyle, since they still had their robes over their eyes. It wasn't until all three Slytherins were on the ground and the Weasley's were kicking at them that one of the Ravenclaws in their class noticed what was going on and shouted for Hagrid to put an end to things.

"Oi! What're you lot doin' to them? Harry, Hermione, Ron, I expected better of you I did. What do you got ter say fer yerselves?" Hagrid demanded as he bodily forced the trio to back off.

"He insulted Harry," Ron panted, his eyes blazing.

"He insulted Luna," Harry growled, his bloodied knuckles still raised.

"They needed back up," Hermione explained, wiping her hands off on her robes.

Hagrid sighed, looking down at the three moaning Slytherins. "Look, I get it, they were bein' right ponces to the three o' yeh. But it ain't right that yer kickin' them while they're down, ya know. Right, fifteen points from Gryffindor apiece, and you lot got detention with me for the rest o' the week. Yer lucky I don't make it more, but I know how it is with family." Hagrid turned, stomping over to Draco and his companions and lifting them onto their feet.. "Come on, get up you three, yer not dead. Right, off to the hospital wing with yeh."

Everyone gave the three redheads a wide berth at first, not wanting to mess with the Girl-Who-Fought-Monsters, the Boy-Who-Lived, and The-Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century. Come to think of it, they decided they probably should just keep away from anyone with red hair, much to the consternation of Susan Bones, who had begun dying hers blonde in second year after one too many cracks about belonging in Gryffindor.

"For the last time, I'm not a Weasley! Look, I've got blonde hair now!"

"Yeah, but Hermione used to have brown hair, and she's the scariest one now."

"Yes, but she underwent a dark ritual that turned her into a ginger! I hear it cost her immortal soul!"

"Quiet, you idiot! Of course she sold her soul, she faced Gilderoy Lockhart and the Dark Lord. And she's still alive! Do you really want that kind of monster coming after you?"

Harry looked around at the nervous other students, who were keeping their distance as Hagrid began his lecture. "You know Hermione, I'm starting to think the other students are all afraid of you."

"That's nonsense, I'm just an ordinary student," Hermione said, looking around and causing everyone else to flinch.

"Hermione, you've stolen the Philosopher's Stone, fought a not-actually-evil professor, helped kill a basilisk, and now you helped chase off a dementor. You're a bit scary," Ron said.

Hermione looked at him with a hurt expression, and he added, "But in a good way. Like, you know, an auror or hero or something."

Hermione's expression softened, but just then Hagrid called for volunteers to approach the hippogriff. All the other students stepped back and looked at Hermione.

"How about you Hermione? Buckbeak here is a right smart feller, you'd get along famously," Hagrid said, motioning Hermione forward.

Taking a deep breath, Hermione stepped forward and curtsied to the fearsome beast. After a slight pause, Buckbeak bowed back, crooning softly.

"Aw, he likes you he does," Hagrid chuckled. "Why don't you give him this then?" Hagrid handed Hermione a dead ferret.

Hermione blanched, but held out the ferret to Buckbeak, who snapped it up and approached Hermione' rubbing his beak against Hermione's hand. "He's so soft," Hermione murmured, stroking the beast's neck.

"Well, I think you two are gettin' along famously. Why, I bed he'd even take yeh fer a ride. Eh, Buckbeak? Up ya go!"

Before she could even let out a squeal of protest, Hermione found herself placed on Buckbeak's back, and the hippogriff took off into the sky. Once she got over her initial terror, Hermione found the experience quite enchanting. Buckbeak was much softer than a broom, and though the ride was a bit jerkier, it actually felt more stable as she could feel the weight and mass of Buckbeak beneath her. After a few minutes, Buckbeak circled back around to the class, landing in front of Hagrid with a flurry of wings.

Hermione hopped up and smiled. "That was actually quite nice. Thank you, Buckbeak." She stroked the hippogriffs neck a few times, and Buckbeak crooned in delight.

"Fantastic! Now, who else wants to have a go?"

As it turned out, only Ron and Harry were brave enough for that. The rest of the students were not convinced that the creature was safe. After all, the Weasley's were all mad, and also scary. Who was to say the hippogriff didn't just recognize a kindred spirit?

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/

"We call the first meeting of Society Of Weasleys In Need of Getting Convicts Hiding Around Out of School, or, as we like to call it, S.O.W.I.N.G. C.H.A.O.S," Fred and George said together.

Percy frowned at his two brothers. "That is quite possibly the most labored acronym I have ever heard in my life."

"Thanks," Fred said with a wink.

George breathed on his knuckles and rubbed them on his robe. "We're quite proud of it."

"Wait a moment, I'm not a Weasley," Penelope protested, standing and glaring at the twins. She was, however, the only non-ginger present.

"Eh, we figure if we give it a year or so you will be," George said.

"Yeah, otherwise what you've been up to with good old Princess Perse in the broom cupboards would be terribly naughty." Both twins clicked their tongues and wagged their fingers at Penelope, who flushed and sat back down, muttering to herself while Ginny, Hermione, and Luna all let out squees of delight.

For their part, Ron and Harry made gagging sounds.

"You'd best behave you too, we know what impure thoughts you've been having," Fred lectured.

"Too right. Bit of hand holding in the corridors, eh, Harry?"

"Long chess matches by candlelight, Ron? So romantic!"

Ron and Harry promptly developed a cough and found themselves looking at absolutely anything but Luna and Hermione, who were also flushing and looking down. Penelope and Ginny, however, giggled and high fived.

Percy groaned and rubbed his forehead. "Can we please get to business, or do I need to go over the Talk with you lot? I've got dad's notes here somewhere."

"Well, enough of that nonsense, let's go over the plan." The twins hastily got out the Marauder's map, laying it out on the table. "Now, we've been checking the grounds and secret passages for any sign of Sirius Black, or dementors."

"Turns out the map can't track creatures or spirits, or whatever those things are."

"Right, so we'll need to develop some other kind of warning system."

"We were thinking of a series of mood rings, hooked up to spot lights."

"Exactly! When The rings start to feel a sense of existential dread, they'll trigger a charm on the spot lights, which we'll charm to throw up a bright blue beam."

"Then we'll have warning of when the dementors approach, and can take appropriate action."

"That sounds needlessly complicated and convoluted," Penelope said, studying the crayon drawings that Fred and George and helpfully animated on the blackboard of the empty classroom.

"Why don't you just use thermometers?" Hermione asked. "Dementors cause a dramatic temperature drop."

Fred and George groaned. "Because that would be simple!"

"Exactly! Good plans are full of little twists and turns that have plenty of pranking potential."

Ginny frowned at the drawings, which showed Fred and George using the spotlights to prank the astronomy classes "But we're not trying to pull a prank, we're trying to help Harry and Luna!"

"Why don't we take thermometers and hook them up to an alarm of some sort?" Ron suggested. "That should be pretty easy."

Luna nodded thoughtfully. "We could enchant the alarms to play different tones, depending on where the dementors were on the grounds."

"That's an excellent idea. I think I can get some thermometers easily enough, and we can start placing them right away," Percy said, scribbling down the plan on a piece of parchment

Fred and George blew a loud raspberry. "Well, fine, if you want a normal, boring plan."

Ron leaned back, rubbing his chin. "What about catching Sirius Black though? How could we stop a deranged madman?"

"Well, usually a smack upside the back of their heads works," Percy said, continuing to jot down notes.

The twins grins slowly turned into frowns. "Did he just make a joke?"

"At our expense?"

"Brother mine, this calls for revenge!"

"I holy crusade!"

"We'll need the stink bombs."

"Use any of that on me before Sirius Black is caught and I guarantee mum will skin you alive," Percy stated.

"Hmph. After we catch Black, of course."

"Naturally. Family first, after all."

Despite almost an hour of bad puns and planning, the Weasley family (and prospective Weasley family) was unable to come up with any good plans for dealing with Sirius Black.

"Are you sure that Plan Massive Amount of Explosives is a no go?" Fred asked wistfully.

Percy's right eyelid twitched twice. "As Head Boy, I absolutely refuse to be party to any plans that could very well result in you lot blowing up the entire castle."

Fred and George raised a finger and started to speak, but Percy interrupted them. "And I will personally feed you two to the giant squid if you even think of trying to cut me out of any 'brilliant schemes'. Especially if they involve highly illegal quantities of explosives."

"Well, I think it's about time we went on patrol, Percy," Penelope said, standing and adjusting her Head Girl badge. "Coming? I think the seventh floor on the left hand side would be a good place to start."

"Right. Fred, George, walk the others back to Gryffindor tower. I have erm, duties to fulfill."

The twins wolf whistled and Percy and Penelope left, but dutifully escorted their younger siblings back to the tower for the evening. At the very least, Black was in for a shock if he tried to find a Weasley alone.

 _Authors Note:_

 _In a completely unexpected sure thing, Luna Lovegood has won the "shippings wars." Many thanks for all those who voted in the poll and didn't try to strangle me for my completely fair and entirely unbalanced poll choices._


	14. Chp 14: No more Weasleys now, I mean it!

_Chapter 14: No More Weasley's now, I mean it!_

 _ **DEMENTORS FLEE ATTACK BY GIRL-WHO-FOUGHT-MONSTERS**_

 _ **By Saffron Scrivener**_

 _ **Normally, dementors can consider themselves to be at the top of the supernatural food chain. Giants wilt before them. Dragons flee in terror. Even the mightiest of wizards cower in fear. But not Hermione Weasley, the Girl-Who-Fought-Monsters. As my readers are well aware, the dementors of Azkaban have been summoned to protect Hogwarts from the machinations of Sirius Black (World Renowned Death Eater). The Hogwarts Express itself was checked over by the demonic wardens to ensure Black was not among its passengers.**_

 _ **Reports from students indicate that most of them cowered in terror at the chilling presence of the dementors. Not Hermione who is reported to have actually killed one of the creatures, a feat so unrivaled in the history of the world that the monsters fled the train in panic. Only time will tell if this is true, but Minerva McGonagall, head of Hermione's own Gryffindor house, was reported to be muttering to herself that "The damned Weasley's are up to it again."**_

 _ **\/\\\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/**_

Once again, the Defense classroom had been redecorated. Gone was the dramatic mood lighting, organ, and grimoire of unspeakable horrors. Now there were various devices displayed at the edges of the room, such as a sneakoscope or dowsing rod, and a helpful description of how they could be used to ensure one's safety. There were also a few cages with live animals in them, along with placards that gave information on the animal's dangers and how to best it. Harry rather liked the cornish pixie display, even if the pixies kept making faces at him.

"Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts," Professor Lupin said once everyone had taken their seats. "I know that last year you had a somewhat unorthodox, but effective, teacher who instructed you. While I could never hope to compete with the likes of the Legendary Gilderoy Lockhart, I hope that by the end of the year each of you will be able to identify and defend against some of the more common magical creatures found here in Great Britain."

Lupin flicked his wand, and a wardrobe slid across the floor to rest beside him. Something inside it rattled ominously, the locked doors trembling slightly. "Now, here, we have a somewhat common creature, found mostly inside old magical homes in dark corners. Any guesses as to what it might be?"

Hermione of course, raised her hand, though so did several other students from old magical families, including Ron.

"Mr Weasley."

"I don't know sir," Harry said.

Lupin frowned, his eyebrows knitting in confusion. "No, I said Mr. Weasley, not you Mr. Potter."

"Who?" Lavender asked.

Pavarti leaned towards her and whispered. "I think he means Harry."

"Oh, I think it's probably a ghoul, sir," Ron said. "We have one at our house, it rattles the pipes in the attic sometimes but it's mostly harmless."

"Not a bad guess, though ghouls are usually fairly harmless, unlike this creature. Yes, Miss Granger."

"Why does he keep calling strange peoples names?" Seamus said, frowning at Dean.

Dean shrugged. "Guess his roster must be out of date, but I think he means Hermione."

"Is it a boggart?" Hermione guessed. "They're shapeshifters that like to hid in dark places and leap out at unexpected times."

"Quite correct. Five points to Gryffindor, Miss Granger." Everyone looked around with a confused expression, until they realized who Lupin was talking about, save for Hermione, who was having a very hard time not bursting out laughing.

"Now, the boggart takes the form of whatever you fear the most. However, it is not real, merely an illusion. The spell to stop the boggart is riddikulus, but the true key is envisioning what you find frightening and making it something fairly harmless. Now, let's see, we need a demonstration. Ah, Mr. Longbottom, what do you fear most?"

"Getting on Hermione's bad side," Neville said fervently.

Lupin raised an incredulous eyebrow, until he saw everyone else nodding in agreement.

"Ah, well then, perhaps someone else. You, Miss Greengrass?"

"Having red hair and getting sorted into the Weasley house," Daphne said.

"Oi!" Ron protested, though he laughed along with everyone else.

Lupin frowned. "Er, interesting. Anyone have any fears not directly related to their classmates?" Professor Lupin studiously ignored the redheads who raised their hands, deciding it would probably be best for everyone's sanity not to find out what they were terrified of. "How about you, Miss Patil?"

"Clowns," Parvati said, shivering slightly.

"Yes, very good. And how would you make a clown less terrifying?"

"Maybe if it turned into a giant snake?" Parvati offered.

"Why don't we find out? Now, remember, riddikulus!" Lupin opened the door, and a giant toy jack-in-the-box with a leering clown face popped out, swaying towards Parvati.

"Riddikulus!" Parvati cried, and the horrifying jack-in-the-box was replaced by a large cobra which hissed in confusion.

"Yes, very good, very good! Well, I was going to have the rest of you take a turn, but frankly I think we need to have a group therapy session where we work out just why you all have an irrational fear of gingers," Professor Lupin said, banishing the boggart back into the closet.

"It's hardly irrational," Draco grumbled, rubbing his recently broken nose. "They're all bloody crazy."

Lupin gave Draco an exasperated expression and was about to take points, until he realized that the three red heads had all shrugged and nodded their agreement.

"Not to mention they stole the Philosopher's Stone, battled You-Know-Who, killed a basilisk, dueled Gilderoy Lockhart, and apparently even dementors are afraid of them," Lavender added.

"Why on earth do you think dementors are afraid of them?" Lupin demanded, his tone incredulous.

"Well, because once the dementors went into Harry's compartment they all fled the train about a minute after," Neville said.

Lupin frowned. "But Harry and Luna fainted, and it was my patronus who drove them off."

"Nah, that was definitely Hermione they were running from," Seamus said confidently. "She's really scary. Besides, I think it was just a rumor Malfoy spread that Harry fainted. I mean, he's gone on all of Hermione's adventures. She's the Girl-Who-Fought-Monsters you know."

"Where on earth did you come up with name?" Lupin demanded.

"Please sir, it's not their fault, it's just the Daily Prophet keeps getting the story wrong," Hermione said. "Haven't you read the articles?"

"I've been a bit reclusive the past few years, and been working on the continent." Lupin shook his head. "It seems I have a bit of catching up to do. Everyone get out your books, and read up on boggarts and defending against them. I think I need a headache relieving potion."

Once class was over, the three Weasley's walked outside of class to find Fred and George waiting for them, consulting the Marauder's map.

"Hello Harrykins, no dementors sighted yet. Ready to get to dinner?"

"Yeah, I'm starving," Harry agreed. "Who's got Luna and Ginny though?"

"Penny's their escort, she managed to break herself away from Percy for five minutes."

"Harry, could I speak with you for a-" Professor Lupin paused, his eyes locking onto the parchment in Fred and George's hands, which they hastily hid behind their backs. "Where on earth did you get that?"

Fred coughed something that sounded a lot like "mischief managed," before bringing the parchment back out. "What, this? Just a scrap of parchment."

"I see," Lupin took the parchment away, took out his wand and mutered. "I solemnly swear I am up to no good." The map immediately reappeared.

"My God," Fred whispered.

"He's a Weasley too!"

The twins reached out and patted the Professor's hair.

Lupin flinched away, glaring at the twins. "What was that for?"

"Just wondering if it was a wig."

"Or if you dyed your hair."

"Dyed my hair?" Lupin asked, reaching up to touch his locks.

"Yeah, obviously if you're a Weasley it should be red!"

"I'm not a Weasley," Lupin said, sounding exasperated. "I just happen to know the creators of this particular piece of tomfoolery."

"You know Moony, Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail?" Harry asked.

Lupin nodded slowly, his fingers tracing over the parchment. "You could say that, I suppose."

"Well, then you know that it's in good hands," Fred said, sticking out his hand.

"Of course! We've used that map for nothing but mischief."

"And occasionally saving our family from dire peril."

"But mostly pranks."

"You've used this to help your family?" Lupin asked, sounding skeptical.

"Last year we used it to help foil Lockhart's sinister scheme," Harry said. Ron cuffed him upside the back of his head. "Well, we would have, if he did have a sinister scheme."

"This year we're using it to keep an eye out for Sirius Black," Hermione said. "That's why Fred and George came to pick us up: they're worried the dementors or Black will come back and attack us again."

Frowning, Lupin rolled up the parchment. "It's perfectly safe inside Hogwarts." All five Weasleys looked at their professor as if he'd grown a second head. "What? It is! It's the safest building in England."

"Yeah, except for the Dark Lords, three headed dogs, trolls, basilisks, dementors, and murderous lunatics," Ron dead panned. "Really professor, I think just about anywhere else is safer than Hogwarts."

Lupin started to protest, then reconsidered, thinking of his various escapades as a youth. "You may have a point," he conceded. "Very well, I suppose you are using this properly. I will return this map, provide you promise to use it only to help keep others safe."

Fred and George looked at one another, put their right hands behind their backs, and crossed their fingers. "We promise," they chorused.

"Hmmm," Lupin grunted, but he handed over the map. "Anyway, Harry, I wanted to discuss training you and Luna to cast those protective spells to keep you safe from the dementors. What about Saturday morning at 10 o'clock? Best to do it during daytime, just in case."

"Ok, we'll be there," Ron said. "Come on, let's go eat."

Lupin opened his mouth in protest, then closed it, cocking his head to one side as he watched the ginger bunch head off to supper. He smiled, his eyes losing focus as he became lost in memory. "You'd be so pleased, James, Lily. Harry's got a family, just like you wanted."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"Professor McGonagall, might I have a moment of your time?"

McGonagall looked up from her copy of Witch Weekly, which had Gilderoy's beaming smile on the front yet again as it detailed his exploits in central america against a pack of chupacabras. "I suppose, Professor Lupin. Though really, with no students around, call me Minerva."

"Certainly, but only if you call me Remus."

"Of course, Remus. What can I do for you?"

"I had a question about some of your students in my third year class," Lupin said, sitting down in a comfortable armchair across from McGonagall in the teacher's lounge.

"Let me guess, it's the Weasleys," McGonagall said, sighing.

"No, actually. It's about Hermione and Harry."

McGonagall raised an eyebrow at Lupin. "As I said, the Weasleys."

"But I know Harry, he's not a Weasley, he's a Potter. And Hermione's a muggleborn with the name of Granger."

"Take that up with the blasted Hat," McGonagall grumbled. "I assure you, the entire Band of the Red Hair are, in fact, Weasleys. They have taken considerable steps to ensure that they are. Frankly, if you called them Potter and Granger, I'm half surprised they even knew who you were talking about."

Lupin blinked a few times, unable to come up with a sensible response.

"Hopefully they didn't do anything too dreadful. What was it this time? Did they accuse you of being evil and plotting against the school?"

"Well no. Actually they were quite well behaved. It's just...some of the things the other students said. We were studying boggarts, and Neville said he was most afraid of Hermione. Daphne Greengrass claimed to have nightmares about having red hair and getting put into the Weasley house." Lupin chuckled, shaking his head. "But of course that's nonsense."

McGonagall raised an eyebrow. "Frankly, I find myself lying awake at night at times dreading who that clan will latch onto next and induct into the House of Weasley. The last time they actually stole the Sorting Hat to put Luna into the Weasley house."

"Luna?" Remus frowned. "You don't mean Xenophilius' daughter, do you? She's a Lovegood, i was wondering where the red hair came from though."

"Ask her. I can almost assure you that she will insist that she is not, in fact, a Lovegood. If pressed, she might give you a sensible explanation, or she might say the nargles made her do it. Frankly, it's all I can do to keep up with them. What I will do when Percy leaves next year, I don't know. He's practically the only thing preventing total chaos from being unleashed upon this school."

"You make them sound even worse than myself or James were at that age," Remus said, smiling.

McGonagall glared at Remus for a moment, then took a sip from a cup of tea. She set it down, and eyed Remus. "Frankly, at this point, James Potter and Sirius Black would be a calming influence."

Lupin's mouth flopped open. "You're serious?"

"No puns, please. I get enough for those from the twins."

"But, I wasn't, how…" Lupin trailed off, shaking his head. "But Harry seemed like such a sweet boy."

"Oh, he is. Until he gets it into his head that one of his professors are evil, or that it would be fun to sneak off into a forbidden area, or that he should be the one to rescue a classmate from a dangerous monster instead of the perfectly good professional dark creature slayer employed as his professor. I half expect them to figure out your condition and all demand to be bitten so they can foil that blasted Rotfang conspiracy that the Quibbler is always going on about."

"But that's utter madness!"

McGonagall huffed, picked up her magazine, and began reading again. "Good luck, Remus. You'll need it."

"But what about Sirius? He's a real danger! If they're as unmanageable as you say, they could get out, come under attack!"

"Frankly, it's Sirius Black's safety I'm concerned about at this point."

Lupin looked around the staff room, his expression utterly incredulous. Flitwick looked up from his chess game with Sinestra, his eyes twinkling nearly as much as the Headmasters. "Just you wait my boy. Have you ever heard the old curse, I hope you have a child just like you when you grow up? Well, for you, just think 'students' and imagine what you and your co-conspirators were like in your prime. Then remember that there are currently eight Weasleys in the castle."

"Nine," Sinestra said, moving her bishop.

Silence fell on the teacher's lounge. You could have heard a pin drop. Finally, McGonagall spoke in a strangled voice. "What do you mean, nine?"

"I caught the Head Boy and Girl in the astronomy tower doing some tongue exercises last night," Sinestra said, not taking her eyes off the board and Flitwick pondered his next move. "She'll have red hair by the end of the term. You mark my words."

"ALBUS!" McGonagall roared, shooting to her feet.

The Headmaster's bowl of Bertie Botts beans toppled over as he jumped. "Yes, Minerva?"

"Where is the Hat?" McGonagall's eyes were blazing, and her hands clenched into white knuckled fists.

"Locked away in my study, as it should be, Minerva," Dumbledore said, hand to his chest as though he'd just had a heart attack.

"They know where it is. They can find it. Use it." McGonagall skewered Dumbledore with a glare. "We will take the Hat and lock it away. Just like the precautions for the Stone. But different this time, more tricky. I want all the teachers in on it. No one touches that Hat, Albus, do you hear me? Not a single more Weasley. I have had it! We're already surrounded by Weasleys!"

Dumbledore removed his hand, his eyes twinkling once more. "Of course, of course. We shall begin the preparations this Sunday. Will that suffice?"

"I'm going to go put extra wards on your office," McGonagall growled, stalking out of the lounge.

Lupin stared after her, his eyes wide as dinner plates. He turned to Snape, who was quietly grading papers at the table. "Surely she's jesting! No one would...you can't just steal the Sorting Hat to sort someone if you don't like their house!"

"They've done it once already," Snape said, marking a paper and setting it neatly on the finished pile. "I wouldn't put it past the Brood to do it again. Especially not if the eldest is rutting."

"You can't seriously believe they'd do that," Lupin said, turning to look around the room. "That's madness!"

"I've got a galleon that she's got red hair by Christmas!" Sprout said cheerily, setting aside her knitting and pulling out a piece of parchment. "Do I have any other takers?"

"Two galleons it happens a week after Christmas Break," Snape said without looking up.

The rest of the Professors all put in various bets, as the shocked Lupin looked on. Just what had he gotten himself into?

The next day Lupin went to his classroom early, preparing for his private lesson with Luna and Harry. It would be good to get to know James and Lily's son a bit better, as well as his young girlfriend. On a hunch, he put the boggart back out, guessing that it may very well be the thing that Harry feared and a good target to practice the patronus charm on. He also got a few pepper up potions, chocolates, and calming draughts, just in case there was a severe reaction. At ten o'clock he waited expectantly, but no one came. By 10:10, Lupin got out homework and started grading it. When 10:30 rolled around, there was a commotion outside, and Lupin frowned and stood, thinking students were fighting in the halls. Before he could get to the door though, it banged open and a ginger horde swarmed into the classroom.

"Sorry we're late sir," Harry said, hurrying to the front of the room and sitting in a desk.

Luna sat down next to him, smiling up at Lupin. "It's my fault, I thought I saw a spitting gourna."

"Well maybe if Fred and George hadn't given Ron those awful sweets we wouldn't have had this problem," Hermione huffed, taking her own seat.

Ron, who looked slightly green, grunted and took his own seat.

"Well we had to test the puking pastilles on someone," the twins laughed.

Percy shook his head. "Next time test them on yourselves. We had to go all the way to the kitchens to get Ron another breakfast."

"I think they did test them on themselves, remember when we found them groaning in the hospital wing on Wednesday and thought they were skiving off?" Penelope asked, scooting her own desk close to Percy.

"Can I get one for when I have herbology next week? We're working with fainting daisies and I'm allergic," Ginny asked.

Lupin frowned at the redheads (and also Penelope) who finally quieted down and looked at him expectantly. "I thought I asked Harry and Luna to be here. Why did the rest of you come?"

"Well, because you said you were training the Weasleys on defending against dementors," Ginny answered.

"No, I specifically said I would be training Luna and Harry."

"Right, so, the Weasleys," Ron agreed.

"But they're not Weasleys," Lupin countered. "She's Luna Lovegood and he's Harry Potter."

Luna let out a gasp and smacked her forehead. "Of course, he doesn't recognize us!" She rummaged through her pockets for a moment, drew out a ridiculous pair of silly glasses with a large nose, bushy eyebrows, and a mustache attached and put them on. "See? I'm Luna Weasley, not Luna Lovegood."

"I don't think a pair of novelty glasses makes you a Weasley, Miss Lovegood," Lupin said. "Please, let's get this straight. Exactly how many Weasleys are enrolled at Hogwarts?"

There was a sound of rustling robes, and in a moment everyone had on the same pair of glasses. "Oi!" chorused the students.

"McGonagall was right; I'm surrounded by Weasleys," Lupin muttered. Shaking his head, he went over to his desk and downed a calming draught. Feeling much better, he sighed and turned back to the assembled gingers (and possible future ginger).

"Right, well then. Let's begin. Harry, why don't you approach the cabinet. I've got a boggart in there, and I have a feeling I know what form it will take."

Sure enough, the boggart turned into a dementor, causing Harry to step back. Lupin moved between the two of them, and the familiar silvery orb replaced the boggart. "Riddikulus!" Lupin said, and the boggart was banished.

"Very good, it will be much easier to practice on a boggart. Now, the charm for stopping a dementor is the patronus charm, which I will demonstrate. To help with it, cheering charms and pepper up potions can put you in the right frame of mind."

By the end of the first lesson, Percy and Penelope had both produced a corporeal patronus, which was unsurprising considering they were both talented seventh year students. And that they were holding hands when they did so. It appeared the rumors of tongue wrestling competitions between the two of them were correct. The twins managed to produce decent blobs that resembled animals, which was good progress. The others all could only make mist, but even that wasn't bad for second and third year students.

"Not bad, not bad at all. Of course, the charm is much harder with a true dementor present, but the practice is important. I want you all to practice together throughout the week. Next Saturday we'll continue to practice the patronus, and if you've mastered that we'll move on to shield charms and basic stunners."

Once the Weasley's were gone, Lupin collapsed into his chair. Reaching into his desk, he pulled out a bottle of firewhiskey, not bothering with a glass. He took swig, then poured out a little on the floor. "James my friend, despite the hair color, that boy truly is your son."

 _Authors Note:_

 _Anybody want a peanut?_


	15. Chp 15: Black Times at Hogwarts High

_Chapter 15: Black Times at Hogwarts High_

"Da na da na da na da na na. There's a man who leads a life danger. Da da! To everyone he meets, he stays a stranger. Da na na da!"

Sirius Black hummed and sang under his breath as he crept through the castle, using every ounce of his considerable sneaking talents as he made his way up to Gryffindor Tower. Halfway there he stopped, realizing he was just repeating himself. He paused, considering what to do. He quickly did an air guitar solo.

"Cause I'm baaack, back in Black!" Happy with his new theme song, Black skidded up to the portrate of the Fat Lady. "Heya toots, I'm back! In Black! Siriusly."

The Fat Lady blinked a couple of times, wondering who it was. "Password?" she asked sleepily.

This gave Sirius paws. He changed into a dog to try and think. After a moment, he changed back and said, "Swordfish."

"No, the password is not swordfish," the Fat Lady said, frowning at the odd man in front of her. "Do I know you?"

"Of course you do, I'm Padfoot. Hmmm. What about Horsefeathers?"

"No."

"Password?"

"Definitely not!"

"Slytherin sucks."

"Not bad, but not right now."

"Snivellus drools."

"Ah, that brings back memories! But no, I changed it long ago."

"Well what did you change it to?"

"Oh, I changed it to fiat lux."

"Fiat lux!"

"Ha! It's been twenty years, I changed it again after that!"

Sirius growled, losing patience. "Tell you what, why don't you tell me what the password is now?"

"No. I don't think you are a student, you don't look like Longbottom at all."

"Hmm. Is the password, 'let me in or I'll shred your painting and shatter your frame?'"

The Fat Lady paled. "No, it is not."

Sirius got out a knife he'd stolen from the kitchens. "Really? What a pity. Maybe I'll have to do that." He paused. "Unless someone were to tell me the password of course. I've got some pest control to do, and a soulless monster to destroy."

"Help, help, murder!" The Fat Lady screamed.

There was a rip and tear, and the sound of a shattering frame, and a black dog bounded away.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

"You failed!"

Sirius flinched, sitting in his cave as Voldequirrel paced back and forth, raging and gesticulating wildly. "I must have the blood of my greatest foe! It is the only way!"

"Well, I mean, they had some pretty insidious defenses, O Janus-Faced. I used every ounce of my cunning, but I couldn't get past them."

"Did you try asking nicely?" Quirrell asked.

"Fool! Asking nicely never works," Voldemort snarled. "The only way to get what you want is by forcing your foes to give it to you!"

"What if we just ask Hermione for her blood?" Quirrell suggested.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "She's not going to commit suicide just because we ask her to."

"No, I don't want her dead, i want her blood! It's the only way to complete the ritual!" Voldemort hissed.

"Wait, but you said-"

"I know what I said! Don't do as I say, do as I mean! You are, after all, my greatest and most powerful servant! You should know this."

"Er, yes. I do, in fact, know all your plots and schemes Most Perfidious One. This is due to our long relationship where I definitely served you and your interests so well you never even considered killing me."

"Good, good. Now, we have to find another way in. Hmm. What could convince a child to bring you into their dormitory where you could safely harvest blood and then KILL ALL THE WEASLEYS! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Quirrell sighed. "If only we had a cute animal of some sort. Kids are always taking those in."

Sirius scratched at some fleas. "Yeah. Cute animal. Don't know where you'd find one of those. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat some of that delicious food you brought. And really, you have to tell me, how do you keep finding my little hidey holes?"

"Oh, that's easy. I can sense you through your Dark Mark!"

Sirius clutched his right elbow. "Wait, you can? How?"

"We've just spent a lot of time in these caves," Quirrell confided. "Plus, how many giant black dogs are there in the Forbidden Forest?"

\/\/\\\/\/\\\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Harry was awakened early the next morning by the sound of thumps and banging. He sat up, rubbing his eyes, to find Fred and George merrily banging away with a hammer, putting up a variety of posters of scantily clad witches and the Marx Brothers (who Hermione had introduced them to, and were now their heroes).

"What are you doing?" Harry asked, groggily trying to make sense of the situation.

Percy walked in, dragging his own trunk behind him. He flicked his wand at the pinups, ripping them off the walls. "Stop that, use a sticking charm instead of those bloody nails. And none of those witches!"

"But this is more fun!" the twins protested.

As Percy started arguing with the twins, Neville appeared from the bathroom, carrying his various toiletry supplies. He hastily ran out the door, nervously glancing at the arguing Weasley brothers.

"Percy, what's going on? Why do you have your trunk?" Harry looked around the room and frowned. "And why is the twins pillow fort in here now?"

"They're moving in with us," Ron said, plopping down on Harry's bed and handing him a plate of eggs, bacon, and toast. "Sirius Black attacked the Fat Lady last night, trying to break into the dorms."

Harry paled, pausing in chewing his toast. He swallowed and glanced nervously around. "Sirius Black? He was here?"

"Yes," Percy said, turning away from the twins were were sulking as they packed the lewd posters back in their trunks. "So, I had a talk with Professor McGonagall, and she agreed that it would be best if the Weasley House all stayed together."

"That include Penny old bean?" Fred called.

"Obviously not! She's in Ravenclaw."

A short time later, Hermione, Luna, and Ginny all joined the brothers in the newly swapped dorm. They were still staying back in their own dorms as the girls dorms had enchantments on them to prevent any males from entering.

"Wait, if no boys can go into the girls dorms, how come you can always come up here?" Harry asked.

Fred and George sighed and shook their heads. "It's the repressive matriarchy at work, Harry my boy."

"Yes, an ancient conspiracy of witches to keep the man down."

"It's mostly because no sane girl would ever try to steal a boys knickers," Ginny said, sticking her tongue out at her brothers.

Luna's eyes clouded over in a dreamy, thoughtful expression.

"Don't you dare," Hermione said. "Whatever you were thinking, don't you dare."

Classes that day were rather subdued, with students moving in packs through the hallways. Even Harry felt a bit nervous, despite the fact that as usual the Weasleys moved in a gaggle. The portrait of the Fat Lady was also replaced by an annoying knight who liked to change the passwords twice a day to overly long and complicated phrases. Still, it could have been worse: at least no one was actually injured.

Later that week, Percy put his foot down and canceled the traditional pre-match coin flip. "You're not getting out of my sight," he ordered Harry. "It's Ron's turn anyway."

Harry was slightly disappointed, but acquiesced to his older brother's decree. After all, it wouldn't be so bad watching with his siblings from the Weasley/Gryffindor box. The match itself took place in a terrible thunderstorm, wind whipping the field and rain pouring down. Hermione and Percy had cast rain repelling charms on Ron's robes before the match though, so hopefully he wouldn't get too cold and wet. The stands themselves had protective bubbles similar to a bubblehead charm on them to keep the worst of the weather off.

"How can anyone even hope to find the snitch in this?" Hermione half shouted. "I can hardly make out the chasers, let alone the snitch!"

"It will be all up to luck," Harry admitted. "Hopefully Ron finds it before Diggory does."

About a half hour into the game, the temperature seemed to drop. Fred and George pulled out small crystals from their pockets, which were glowing and vibrating.

"Dementors!" Percy shouted, drawing his wand. "Dementors on the grounds!"

" _Expecto_ _patronum_!" Penelope shouted. She'd sat with Percy and the rest of the Weasleys, as Ravenclaw wasn't playing. A dolphin flipped and spun about in the air, swimming in a slow circle around the Weasleys. Three brooms and their riders crashed through the bubble barrier as Ron, Fred, and George landed and drew their own wands.

Harry found Luna's hand and clutched it tight, both of them shivering. He met Luna's eyes, and saw a reflection of his own terror there. He gasped, falling forward onto Luna as visions filled his mind.

 _Luna, laying on the floor of the Chamber of Secrets, pale and unconscious as Tom Riddle gloated over her._

 _Locked in his cupboard, crying for a mother who never came as his empty belly rumbled._

 _A flash of green light, and a woman's scream as evil laughter echoed._

 _Fred, laying in a pool of blood. But this time, when Percy kicked him, he never stirred._

"Harry! Harry it's alright, we're here for you!" Ron said, rubbing Harry's back. "Expecto patronum!" Only silver mist shot out of Ron's wand.

Most of the Gryffindor stand had emptied, the bubble charm failing as dementors circled around. Percy's lion roared defiance, but it was wavering and growing weak as the rain and cold seeped into Percy's bones. Penelope's dolphin was becoming less well defined, seeming to fade back to mist.

"Oi, dementors, you looking for me?"

Heads swiveled toward the amplified voice across the quidditch pitch. There was an explosion of red fireworks, and the words, "Sirius Black, World Renowned Death Eater (and Ladies Man)" appeared in sparkling light behind a ragged, black cloaked figure. The figure turned and bent over, pulling up his robes to expose pale flesh which the man spanked twice. "Can't catch me you ugly bastards!"

With a howl to wake the dead, the dementors turned away from the students, rushing towards their new prey. The man vanished into the storm, and the cold around Harry lessened. He didn't release his grip on Luna though, who was sobbing softly in Harry's arms. It took Harry a moment to realize he was weeping as well, shuddering as sobs wracked his body.

"Right, come on, back to the castle," Percy ordered. He and Penelope renewed their patronuses as Fred and George picked up Harry and Luna, bodily carrying them back to the castle as Ron, Ginny, and Hermione lit the way and provided cover from the rain with their own spells.

Back inside, everyone huddled in the Great Hall, shivering and whispering as the teachers conferred with one another.

"I saw you dead," Luna whispered.

Harry flinched, looking down at the witch in his arms. She seemed so small, so fragile just now; her red hair hanging limply and her features devoid of the usual cheer and life. Her eyes were empty, not lost in thought, but a hollow reflection of the nothingness the dementors represented.

"I saw you, lying on the floor of mum's laboratory. I couldn't save you. Just like I couldn't save her."

Harry swallowed, tightening his grip. "I was back in the chamber. This time, I couldn't find the diary. Tom laughed and laughed, and the life drained away from you. But it wasn't real. You're real. I'm real. We're OK."

Harry glanced over at his siblings. Ginny was sitting between Fred and George, who were rubbing her back and whispering soothing nothings to her. Ron and Hermione were hugging each other tightly, their eyes closed in exhaustion as they rested their heads against one another. Percy rubbing Penelope's back, his expression grim and determined as his eyes roamed over the hall looking for threats. For her part, Penelope rested her head on Percy's chest, her hand gripping her wand so tightly Harry thought she might snap it.

"Students will return to their dormitories at once. There will be a full investigation into this matter," Dumbledore declared. "The quidditch game will resume at a later date."

"Who cares about quidditch," Ron grumbled. "We could have died out there."

Hermione's eyes snapped open, and she gaped at Ron.

Ron flushed and shrugged. "When I was out there on my broom, all I could think about was that you needed me, and I was playing some stupid game instead of helping the people I cared about. I think I'll quit the team."

"Ron, you can't, you love quidditch!" Hermione protested.

Ron mumbled something under his breath, but Hermione went beat red and let out a strangled sob. She tilted her head up and kissed Ron on the cheek, making him go even redder.

"Percy, I have to go," Penelope said, standing and flipping her sopping wet hair over her shoulder. "I have to help my house."

Percy nodded, but took Penelope's hand one last time and squeezed it. "I know. But…" he hesitated, looking at his siblings. Then he looked back at Penelope and cleared his throat. "But you're family too. Just be safe." He leaned in and kissed Penny on the lips lightly, then turned back to escort the Gryffindor's back to the tower.

They walked back in silence, Percy glancing over at the twins. "What, no quips about my love life?" he said, his tone full of forced frivolity.

Fred and George glanced up at their older brother, then back at the rest of their siblings. "Not this time."

"We'll take a rain check."

"Oi, Angelina, you alright?"

"Alicia, are you OK?"

Everyone turned in early, the prefects not needed to enforce any kind of curfew. Hermione dragged her mattress over to Luna and Ginny's dorm room and no one commented. Harry went to his own bed, drawing the covers about himself tightly. Normally he found Ron's snores slightly annoying, but tonight he found them comforting. He drifted off to sleep, where his dreams were far less terrifying than the waking nightmares he'd experienced earlier.

/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\\\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Remus Lupin brooded in his quarters, staring into the fire, a glass of tea growing cold in his hands. Sirius Black. Brother. Betrayer. Criminal. Savior. Rubbing his eyes with his hand, Remus tried to figure out just what was going on. Why had Sirius Black attacked the Gryffindor Portrait? To kill Harry? For some other reason? Why had he revealed himself at the quidditch match? If he'd wanted Harry or his friends dead, he only needed to have waited. The wards and patronus' had been failing, even Remus' own patronus overwhelmed by a combination of the terrible storm and the presence of hundreds of dementors.

But he had revealed himself, and in a most spectacular and typical fashion. Remus' lips twitched involuntarily. Even having gone over to the enemy, Sirius still had his flair for the dramatic and pranks. Proclaiming himself defiantly and managing to moon the entire school, something he was certain his one time friend had wanted to do his entire life.

Lupin's smile vanished. But Sirius Black was no longer Lupin's friend. He was an enemy, a traitor whose reputation was as black as his name.

And yet... and yet he risked his life for no apparent reason, as if he wished to save the staff and students. Remus looked into the glowing embers of his fire, but they held no answers. Outside, the storm continued to rage, a fitting backdrop to the melancholy of the school.

/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"Ah, professor Grubbly-Plank, a moment of your time," Snape said, closing the door behind him.

The substitute professor looked up at Snape from Lupin's desk, smiling at the potions master. "Yes, professor Snape? Need me to cover one of your classes?"

"No, just delivering lesson plans for you," Snape replied, setting a stack of parchment on desk. "Professor Lupin asked me to bring these to you."

"Oh? He left lesson plans for me already, just as he did the last two times," Grubby-Plank said, indicating the parchment's she had been reading.

Snape silently vanished the parchment. "Change of plans. He wants you to cover the subject listed here. The same for all years, to make your job easier."

Grubbly-Plank frowned, but picked up the parchment. Her eyes widened slightly. "Werewolves? Are you certain? That's not in any of the original lesson plans, we were to start Hinkypinks in third year and-."

"Do not ask me, I am not the one who assigns lessons for this class," Snape snarled. "Do you believe yourself incapable of discussing werewolves?"

"I should hope not! Magical creature are my speciality as you very well know, Professor Snape. Very well, if this is what Professor Lupin wants, I shall endeavor to do my best to teach the lesson."

Snape smirked and turned away. "Oh, I am certain it will be a most enlightening lesson." With that, he stalked out of the room in a swirl of dark robes.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

"You know, I really wish we'd get lessons on something useful in Defense, like 'How to Slay a Basilisk' or 'Eight Easy Steps to Defeating the Dark Lord' or even 'How to Stop Insane Murderous Death Eaters," Harry complained as the Weasley's at together at the Gryffindor table.

"And ladies man," Luna added. "Don't forget that Black's also a ladies man."

"How do you even know he's a ladies man?" Ginny protested.

"The fireworks," Luna answered. "Fred and George told me about them."

"Hmm, I think we may have a cunning plan to defeat Black," George said, rubbing his chin.

Percy rolled his eyes. "If it involves anyone wearing a wig or a cocktail dress, I'm vetoing it."

"What if they have to wear a wig and a cocktail dress?" Fred asked. "Ow! Knock it off Percy!"

"That was me," Penelope said, sitting down beside Percy.

"What did you think of the lesson on werewolves?" Hermione asked.

Penelope frowned. "It seemed a bit odd. We'd learned about werewolves ages ago, it's not exactly a NEWT level subject. And that lesson was taught to every year."

"Maybe professor Lupin is really worried we'll get attacked by werewolves?" Ginny guessed. "I mean, it was the full moon last night."

Hermione dropped her fork and stared at Ginny, wide eyed.

"What?" Ron looked over at Hermione with a confused expression. "You should know that, we wrote our astronomy essay's together."

"Hmmm. He was sick last month too, and the month before. Maybe professor Lupin is secretly a lunarpath, and is helping Hermione's parents fight the werewolves who are part of the Rotfang conspiracy," Luna said.

Penelope paused her conversation with Percy and leaned over to the younger students. "Hermione, you don't think that-"

"I need to go to the library," Hermione declared, standing up, her expression pale.

Just then, Professor Dumbledore tapped his glass, and all the students quieted. "I have an announcement to make. Once more, those who wish to have a most terrible fate befall them are advised to stay away from the third floor corridor on the left hand side. The Weasley clan is also advised not to attempt to explore this area, or I fear we shall lose one of our most beloved members."

Everyone turned to look at the Weasleys, and at Hermione in particular, who was already standing. Professor McGonagall hissed rather like an irritated cat, and Hermione hastily sat back down.

"On second thought, the library can wait," Hermione admitted.

Fred and George nodded. "Too right, we've got a corridor to investigate."

"Not while Sirius Black is loose!" Percy snapped.

Fred and George sat back down with a sigh. "Well, I guess we'll just have to capture a world renowned death eater."

"And ladies man!"

Over the next two weeks, Harry eagerly anticipated getting to go home for the holidays. Unlike in years past, he was actually looking forward to spending Christmas with his family. The last year he and his siblings had foolishly stayed at Hogwarts in an attempt to thwart Lockhart's imaginary schemes (Percy, had of course, been petrified). This year getting away from the dementors and the threat of Sirius Black sounded like the best plan.

The ride home on the Hogwarts Express was the same as always, full of happy students eager to get away from school for a few weeks. The dementors thankfully did not search the train, though the Weasley's could all manage at least weak patronus' by now, though only Percy and Penelope had corporeal one still. None of the younger Weasley's had managed anything more than a mist or blob, but Harry had been comforted when Professor Lupin had told them that even weak patronus' cast together were much stronger.

At the train station Harry was pleasantly surprised to find Mrs. Weasley and Bill waiting for them.

"Well if it isn't the munchkin horde!" Bill laughed as Ginny and Luna ran up to hug him. "How was school?"

"Awful," Luna stated matter of factly. "The dementors do not agree with me: they keep chasing off all the nargles."

Ginny nodded, hugging her oldest brother tightly. "They attacked us, trying to get Luna and Harry! Percy and Penny held them off, but then Sirius Black appeared and they all chased him! It was awful."

Bill nodded, drawing the girls close. "I know. That's part of the reason I'm here. However…" he turned to Hermione and winked at her. "It would be nice to be reminded of where I used to live. I seemed to have forgotten." Bill bent down as Hermione whispered the secret into his ear, then stood and smiled. "Thanks. I just got in this morning, but I wasn't looking forward to missing mum's cooking!"

Bidding farewell to Hermione, Luna, and Penelope, the rest of the horde piled into the old ford angela. Bill turned out to be a much better driver than Percy was, and easily navigated them through the twisting streets of London while the others fought tooth and nail for a window seat.

"It's not fair, I never get the window seat!" Harry protested, shoving at Ron.

"Ow! Shove off, it's my turn now. Argh! Scabbers, don't bite at me, that was Harry's fault!"

Bill glanced in the back mirror, then turned to grin at his mother, who was nursing a headache potion. "At least I'm not back there joining in the row."

"Just you wait, William. In a few years, it will be your own children giving you a headache," Molly groused. "Alright that's enough! Harry, keep your hands off of your brother! Ginny, stop pinching Percy, he can have a turn at the window too! I don't want another peep out of any of you or there'll be no pudding for you lot tonight! Yes, that includes you Ron, I saw you shove Harry!"

The next morning, Harry sidled up to Bill after his chores were done. "Bill, will you take me to Diagon Alley? I'd like to do some Christmas shopping and I don't want mum throwing a fit about it."

"Sure, I've got a bit of shopping to do myself," Bill agreed easily. "That and I need to sign a few papers at work. I've put in for a transfer back to the home office. The way things have been, it would be best to be near family. Let me check my new wards first, I put them up last night and I want to make sure they're holding."

Harry and Bill walked around the Burrow together, Bill explaining how the wards worked and what anchored them. "Now, I'm not an expert warder myself, I'm a curse breaker. They're pretty related lines of work though as a lot of the curse breaking I do is taking down wards and such. So it helps to know how to do these things."

"What are wards?" Harry asked. "I've heard the term a few times but we haven't learned about them in school."

"Not surprised, warding is a NEWT level subject, you'll learn about it in Defense in seventh year I expect. Well, 'ward' is a catch all term for various charms, hexes, curses, and other spells that all serve the same purpose: defending or protecting something. Some wards are fairly common, like muggle repelling charms or Notice-Me-Not charms that we put on a lot of magical stuff to keep the muggles from seeing it. Other stuff, like the Fidelius charm, is much rarer and more complicated."

Bill pointed to a tree stump where a series of runes had been burned into the wood. "The most common kinds of defensive wards are just charms that alert you to someone disturbing something, like a person picking up a warded object triggering an alarm of some sort or entering or leaving an area. There are more dangerous and powerful charms like the ones I put up here too. This here is a spell that will prevent anyone with intent to harm the occupants of the burrow from entering. I cast it around the whole property, and anchored it using these runes. You're taking ancient runes right? Recognize any of these?"

"Yeah, I think so, but this looks a lot more advanced than anything we've learned. We're still just going over all the names of the runes and how they can be used to transcribe simple spells."

"Sounds about right. I didn't put up anything really nasty over the Burrow since it wouldn't do for any of them to be triggered by the twins' pranks or you lot playing quidditch, that can happen sometimes. Plus, the Fidelius Charm is pretty powerful. Hermione did a good job. I'm really impressed, that's a fairly complicated bit of magic. Well, this all looks to be in order. Ever apparated before, Harry?"

"No, but I've seen mum and dad do it before sometimes and Percy was apparating everywhere towards the end of summer when he got his license once we got back from Egypt."

"Well, just take my hand and try not to hold your breath. I'll warn you, you're likely to get sick when we arrive. Don't be embarrassed, it's just very disorientating and sometimes people have a strong reaction. Mum hates apparating, she gets very ill whenever she apparates."

Bill held up his wand, and Harry felt as though he was being twisted and turned. A moment later, they appeared behind the Leaky Caldron, though for a moment the world seemed to keep spinning to Harry. He shook it off though and grinned at BIll. "That was pretty fun! Can you teach me to do that?"

"Ha! Maybe someday kid, when you're old enough. Apparating is fairly dangerous and complicated."

The first stop was Gringotts, where Bill conversed with the goblins in their own language, showing Harry some formal greetings and introducing him to several high ranking goblins. Bill took Harry down to his own personal vault, which while modest did have a decent pile of galleons in it.

"I save most of my money, been putting it away to get a place of my own someday," Bill explained. "Of course, it also comes in handy when I'm buying a cartload of presents for all my brothers and sisters. You lot keep multiplying somehow."

When it was time to visit Harry's own vault, he was slightly embarrassed at the huge pile of coins that was many times larger than Bill's own vault. His older brother whistled in appreciation. "I'd heard the Potter's were rich, but it's something else seeing it. You might be able to live the rest of your life off of this, Harry."

"Well I don't want to," Harry said, kicking at a stack of knuts and sending the coins ringing onto the stone floor. "I wish mum and dad would take it. Then they could afford some nicer things for everyone. They already gave me what I really wanted: a family."

"Hmm. Let me guess, they categorically refused to do any such thing. I tried sending them a bit of money from time to time, but they always sent it back. Weasley pride. We do stubborn like no one else." Bill shook his head and helped Harry put a large number of galleons in a bag.

"The twins have been helping me sneak galleons into mum's purse," Harry admitted. "Good thing she's terrible at maths, or she'd have noticed by now."

When Harry tried to give Bill his own bag, Bill shook his head. "Oh no, I'm just as stubborn and prideful as mum and dad. Besides, you saw my vault: I'm not exactly destitute, and it is just me that I need to take care of."

Shopping with Bill was a lot of fun. He wasn't quite as much of a quidditch nut as Charlie was, but he did have a good eye for bargains and had learned to haggle like a champion while in Egypt. He helped Harry get new robes for all his siblings, a nice pair of shoes for mum, and took Harry over to a muggle shop to buy his father a battery operated radio.

"What do you want for Christmas?" Harry asked Bill as they sat on a bench, eating pasties they'd bought from a street vendor.

"Hmmm. Don't know really. Why don't you make me something? I've heard you're quite the cook."

"Ok, I'll think of something," Harry agreed.

On Christmas day, Harry got up early with the rest of the family, gathering around the tree for presents. He happily donned his jumper along with the rest of his family, and was quite pleased to see packages for Hermione and Luna under the tree that contained jumpers for them as well.

"Hey, where did this come from?" Harry asked, holding up a broomstick shaped package. "It says its from my dogfather, but I don't know who that is."

Bill frowned at it, taking it and passing his wand over it. "Don't know, but it's not cursed, at least not just from opening it. Go on Harry."

Harry tore open the packaging and let out a shout. "A Firebolt! Ron, GInny, it's a Firebolt!"

"A Firebolt?" Ron and Ginny crowded around, stroking the dark broom shaft and making awestruck noises.

"Right, give that here," Bill ordered, snatching the broom away and eyeing it. "I don't know where this came from, but none of you are riding it anytime soon."

That brought a chorus of protests from Harry, Ron, and Ginny, but mum and dad quickly put an end to it.

"Harry, that broom could be from anyone, even Sirius Black. What if he's cursed the broom to fail just as you're flying high or going quickly? You could be hurt or killed. Let Bill check it over."

"It won't take me more than a day or two," Bill promised, taking the broom out to their fathers shed along with the cake Harry had made him. "I do this sort of thing for a living after all."

Despite his disappointment, Harry turned back to the rest of his gifts, which suddenly seemed fairly lackluster. Ron had given him second hand dragonhide seeker gloves, Ginny a woolen cap, Fred and George a book of Knock-Knock Jokes, Percy a box of self inking quills, and Bill a new trunk he'd personally enchanted to store many times what a normal school trunk could contain while only weighing half as much as a fully loaded regular trunk. It was all very nice, but Harry couldn't help think of the Firebolt out in his father's shed. He sat morosely in his sweater, trying not to sulk and imagining soaring through the air on the world's fastest broomstick.

"Harry dear, you have one more present," mum said, coming over and handing him an envelope.

His father sat on the other side, smiling and putting a hand on Harry's shoulders. "It's no Firebolt, but we hope you'll like it."

Harry sighed and opened the envelope, expecting a bit of nice parchment or some pictures. Instead, he found several legal forms on plain paper, typewritten in black ink. Confused, he started to read through them.

"This document certifies Arthur Ignatius Weasley and Margaret Ginerva Weasley as the legal parents and guardians of Harry James Weasley, formerly known as Harry James Potter."

Harry stopped, his mind slowly turning. He suddenly dropped the paper, jumping onto his mother and trying to hold back the tears as he hugged her, all thought of the Firebolt forgotten.

"You adopted me!" Harry cried, hugging his parents, his real parents now, as tightly as he could. "We're really a family now!"

"Well, we just wanted to make it official is all," dad said, hugging Harry tightly. "You've been our son for more than a year now, it just took us a while to get it through the muggle court system."

"This is the best Christmas present I've ever had," Harry whispered, drawing back and wiping the sleeve of his jumper across his streaming eyes and nose.

Mum smiled, her own eyes red and puffy. "Even better than a firebolt?"

"Loads."


	16. Chp16: A Sirius Misunderstanding

_This document beta'd by the scrupulous Averant_

 _Chapter 16: A Sirius Misunderstanding_

The Christmas Holidays went by in a blur, quite literally after Bill pronounced the Firebolt curse-free. Even Hermione when she came over for the New Year's celebration had to admit that flying the Firebolt was fun.

"It is exciting. Terrifying, but exciting."

"I am totally taking this for quidditch," Ron said when he landed. "This blows the Nimbus 2000 out of the water."

"You can borrow it," Harry promised. "But I want a turn too. Well, after the dementors are gone anyway."

The train ride back was tense for Harry, with forced laughter and jokes as he quietly fretted about dementors getting on the train. When the train rolled to a stop, Percy and Penelope both cast their patronuses, while Luna and Harry held hands. Thankfully, the dementors did not actually board the train, floating by a few feet away. Still, Harry could hear the dark whispers and see his parents getting murdered again, this time Molly and Arthur's voices floating through his mind.

Once the train got rolling again Ron and Ginny tried to distract Harry, and he allowed himself to get drawn into a discussion on quidditch. Apparently, a fresh young star had made the Bulgarian National team, and was expected to become an international sensation.

"I think Victor Krum will take Bulgaria all the way to the world cup," Ginny said confidently.

Ron shook his head. "No way. You need more than just a good seeker. Look at the Gryffindor team: I might be the seeker, but when I beat Malfoy to the snitch last year it was thanks to a bludger from Fred. Or possibly George, not sure. Anyway, we also won the cup last year thanks to points from the chasers. Bulgaria doesn't have anyone else writing home about."

Harry mostly let the conversation wash over him, making noises when appropriate. He just couldn't find it in himself to think about Quidditch at the moment. He glanced at Luna, who was sitting with her head on Hermione's shoulder, her eyes closed as she listened to Hermione chat about their classes. Harry sighed and shook his head. He needed to learn how to cast a corporeal patronus, and soon. The thought of the dementors taking Luna….Harry shuddered. It didn't bear dwelling on.

Back in the castle, there was a long line in front of the Gryffindor portrait hole.

"What's going on here?" Percy demanded, striding to the front of the line.

Oliver Wood grimaced and nodded to the portrait of Sir Cadogan, who was pacing back and forth in his frame while his fat pony dozed in the background. "That idiot has been asking these stupid questions to everyone before he lets them in. Says they're a true test of whether or not you're a Gryffindor based on your answers."

"What is your name?" Sir Cadogan demanded of Neville, the next person in line.

"Um, Neville Longbottom."

"Ah-ha! Correct. What is your quest?"

"To er, get into the common room?"

"Hmph. I suppose that is true. And finally, what is the proper way to defeat a grown mountain troll?"

"Sick Hermione on it," Neville answered.

Sir Cadogan lifted up his visor and squinted at Neville for a moment, before slamming it back down. "Well, I suppose that would work. You may pass."

Oliver stepped up next, an expression of long suffering on his face. "Oliver Wood."

"I didn't ask the question yet!"

"Well, are you going to ask me my name? Because you've done it with everyone else."

"That's not the point! I ask the questions here and you answer them. Children these days, no respect. Now, what is your name?"

"Sigh. Oliver Wood."

"And what is your quest?"

"To win the Quidditch Cup."

"Capital, capital! And, what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen snitch?"

"Well that depends, are you talking about a training snitch, a standard school snitch, a professional model, or perhaps one of the more historic ones based upon the golden sniget?"

Sir Cadogan lifted his visor and frowned at Oliver Wood. "What? I don't know that!"

"Well, then can I pass?"

Cadugan slammed his visor back down and harrumphed loudly, tapping his foot. "Fine! Next!"

When it came to the Weasley's turn, Percy put Harry at the front of the line.

"What is your name?"

"Harry Weasley." Harry felt a surge of pride and happiness at being able to say that in truth.

"What is your quest?"

"To stop Sirius Black!"

"Excellent, excellent. And what is the capital of Assyria? "

Harry blinked. He looked behind him, unable to even begin to answer that question.

"Ask him if he means the Akkadian Empire, the Neo-Sumerian Empire, the Old Assyrian Empire or the Neo-Assyrian Empire, because they had multiple capitals and during the Neo-Assyrian Empire they had at least two concurrently," Hermione instructed.

Fred and George shrugged. "We would have just said, 'A.'"

Harry turned back to Sir Cadogan and jerked a finger over his shoulder. "What she said."

Sir Cudugnon once more raised his visor and glared out at Harry. "Are you certain you're not Ravenclaws?"

"No, we're Weasleys,' Hermione said, peering impatiently over Harry's head. "Can't you tell by the red hair and freckles?"

"Oh. Right, sorry about that. Of course, you lot can all go in."

The Weasley's all piled into the common room, despite the protests of the other returning Gryffindor's that it "wasn't fair."

"Well, we've got a few bottles of Weasley's Wondrous Hair Dye lying around," Fred said.

George grinned, holding up a flask. "Anyone want to become an honorary Weasley?"

The complaints quickly dyed away.

\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Humming the James Bond theme, Sirius Black once again snuck into the castle. It didn't sound quite right because he was sneaking in as a dog, and dogs can't hum very well, but he didn't really notice this and simply snuck through the corridors, dodging ghosts and patrolling teachers with ease.

Once he arrived at Gryffindor Tower, Black transformed back into his human form. He banged on the portrait of the sleeping knight. "Hey, wake up, I want in."

"Huh? Oh, yes, quite right. What is your name?"

"Padfoot the Incredible."

"What is your quest?"

"Pest Control!"

"Oh, we have a pest problem, do we?"

Sirius nodded, his expression glum. "It's quite the infestation."

"I see, I see. And what was Godric Gryffindor's favorite saying?"

Sirius rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Hold my firewhiskey?"

"Ha! Yes, yes, capital! In you go!"

Sirius stepped into the common room and allowed a wave of nostalgia to wash over him. He sighed and shook his head. Time for that later. It was killing time. Taking out his kitchen knife, Sirius snuck up the stairs to the third year boys dorm. He paused as he opened the door, narrowing his eyes at a gleaming piece of twine at ankle level. Bending down, Sirius examined it, glancing at both sides of the door frame. He chuckled when he saw it was connected to bottles of Eghart's Everlasting Fast Drying Glue. A perfect prank item if he ever saw one! Using his knife, he quickly cut the string and pocketed the bottles. A little pranking on Voldequirrel wouldn't hurt anyone.

Slowly opening the door, Sirius checked for more traps. He sucked in his breath. This room...it was his old room! And just as he remembered it! There were fireworks rigged to a pressure pad under the throw rug. Sirius disarmed it, taking the time to draw a dog's paw print on a piece of parchment to show his respect for his fellow pranksters. Sneaking forward, he sniffed the air, identifying the telltale scent of rat. Raising the knife, Sirius threw back the curtains, letting out a savage growl as he did so.

"I have you now!" Sirius barked, stabbing with the knife at the sleeping rat on the beds pillow. The rat squealed, jerking away and running under the bed. The boy who had been sleeping there let out a shriek exactly like that of a little girl, and Sirius grabbed him and threw him across the room as he dove after the rat.

"You're not getting away from me this time you stinking weasel!" Sirius snarled, jumping after the rat that was bounding away.

As sounds of waking and panicking children filled the room, Sirius jumped after the rat, hacking with his knife as he just barely missed it. The rat scampered off, towards the girls dorms.

"Oh no you don't!" Sirius threw the knife but missed as the rat ran up the dorms stairs easily. Sirius tried to follow, only to be hurled backwards as the stairs collapsed and he slid back down. Unfortunately, the rat had jumped to safety.

Three ginger heads peeked out from the top of the stairs, their wands drawn. Sirius hurried towards the portal, shaking his fist. "Curse you! I'll get you yet you little-" he was cut off as the three junior witches started slinging hexes from one side of the room and fireworks rocketed towards Sirius from the boys dorm.

Beating a hasty retreat, Sirius was halfway down the corridor when he ran right into someone else coming the other way.

"Snivellus?" Sirius gasped, staring at the lanky haired potions master he'd run into.

"You're mine, Black!" Snape snarled, diving for his dropped wand.

"Same team! Same team!" Sirius barked, jerking up his robe sleeve and revealing his right bicep. On it was scrawled a derpy looking skull and a cross eyed snake, with the words, "Slytherin Sucks" underneath it.

Snape paused, raising an eyebrow. "What, exactly, is that supposed to be?"

"It's my Dark Mark, obviously," Sirius declared, pointing to the skull. "See? Just like yours."

"No," Snape said, drawing the word out. "A real Dark Mark is on the left forearm. Not the right bicep. Also, yours appears to have been done in crayon."

"Oh." Sirius studied the false Dark Mark closely. "Huh. Have to fix that when I get back to the Super Secret Lair. Still, we're on the same team right? We're both Internationally Dreaded Death Eaters, right?"

"I highly doubt that," Snape snarled, lowering his wand.

Black let out a yip and dodged away, tossing one of the bottles of Eghart's Everlasting Fast Drying Glue at Snape just as he let fly with a curse. The bottle exploded, coating Snape in the glue and trapping him in place. Letting out a whoop, Sirius ducked down the hallway to the secret passage, blowing a raspberry as he went.

/\/\/\\\/\/\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\

The castle was in an uproar. Not only had Sirius Black managed to make his way into Gryffindor Tower, but he'd nearly killed Ron Weasley and managed to defeat Severus Snape and escape unscathed.

"He's got to be a master criminal," George said at breakfast the next morning.

"Too right, not only did he manage to disarm all of our cunning traps, but he even left a calling card!" Fred held up the pawprint scrawled on parchment they'd found on their pressure pad.

"Actually, I'm sort of glad he disarmed all those traps," Ron said. "I think you two were just waiting for one of us to trigger them."

Harry nodded, swallowing a piece of toast. "Especially since they didn't tell any of us that they were putting up all those traps."

"Harry, we are shocked and offended that you would insinuate we would ever prank our brothers."

"Did we not swear not to use our wands to prank any of you ever again?"

Percy snorted. "I think you two idiots just view that as a challenge."

"Well that doesn't change the fact that Sirius Bloody Black was in Gryffindor tower and in your room!" Ginny said. "We need to change tactics."

"How?" Ron asked. "We could booby trap the whole tower but I think that would give McGonagall a conniption."

"Simple, we have to take the offensive," GInny declared.

"Against a Death Eater?" Percy demanded, sounding incredulous. "That's insane."

"Think of it as practice," Luna said, waving her spoon about. "After all, Harry's the Chosen One. He's got to fight You-Know-Who someday."

"Not if mum or I have anything to say about it," Percy grumbled.

"Do you really think we should be trying to track down a Death Eater who broke out of Azkaban and has murdered dozens of people?" Hermione demanded. "That sounds even more dangerous than any of the other things we've done, and those were on accident."

"Exactly," Fred said, nodding. "Instead of an accident propelling us into mortal peril, we take the initiative."

"And propel ourselves into mortal peril! The baddies will never know what hit them," George agreed.

"That's insane!" Hermione protested. "The rest of you can't possibly think this is a good idea."

"Actually, often the best way to secure victory is by seizing the initiative and making a bold move," Ron said. Hermione glared at him, and Ron shrugged. "Look, I don't just play chess because I like moving the pieces about. It's about strategy, right? And if you're just passive and defensive without ever taking a few risks, you won't ever win."

"I seem to remember the last chess game we played as a family ending with one of us nearly getting killed," Percy said in an acid tone.

"Oi, I was only mostly dead," Fred protested.

George nodded. "There is a big difference between all dead and only mostly dead."

"Well, we all know that if you're all dead, there's only one thing we can do," Penelope said, sitting down next to Percy.

"What's that?" Ginny asked.

"Go through your pockets for loose change," Penelope deadpanned.

Hermione snickered, but the rest of the Weasley clan could only blink in confusion.

"We really need to work on their education, Hermione," Penelope said. "Harry, I'm surprised. I would have thought you'd have seen that movie."

"The Dursley's didn't let me watch many movies," Harry admitted. "Still, the whole going on the offensive thing sounds like something worth doing. It would be nice to actually get it trouble for something we meant to do for once."

"Have we ever actually gotten in trouble for any of our escapades?" Hermione asked. "I mean, the first time Dumbledore gave us the house cup for breaking into that corridor, and the second time we got the house Cup for basically mugging a teacher."

"Hey, speaking of which, what do you think Dumbledore's got in that forbidden corridor now?" Ginny asked.

"I don't know," Percy said. "And you're not going to find out. Any of you."

Hermione and Luna exchanged a look that Percy missed. Hermione pulled out a piece of parchment, scribbled on it, and passed it to Penelope. The Head Girl read the paper, smirked and nodded.

Later, Luna wandered up to the combined Weasley Male Dormitory. "Harry, can I borrow your invisibility cloak?"

"Sure," Harry agreed, reaching into his trunk and pulling it out. "What for?"

"Weasley initiation ritual," Luna declared. "We've got to do a proper prank. I haven't done one with you yet, so it's only fair that I get a turn."

"Now that's the spirit!" Fred and George cheered. They produced the Marauder's map and handed it over to Luna. "Make sure to do something really conniving with this. It wouldn't be right if it only gets used for sensible things like tracking Death Eaters."

Luna beamed at the boys. "Thanks! I solemnly swear I am up to no good!"

"You're what?" Percy demanded, looking up from a chess game with Ron.

"I said that Penelope is going to take Hermione and I on a trip," Luna answered.

"Oh, well, have fun." Percy frowned back down at the board, trying to figure out just how much longer he could prolong the inevitable. Ron sniggered, and Percy glared at him. "You don't need to rub it in, I know you'll beat me."

"Oh, it's not that," Ron chuckled. "I'll tell you later."

Later that night, Penelope walked purposefully through the corridors, followed by the sound of two feet scuffling along the floor. "Quiet you two, the professors are all on patrol after what Black did," Penelope hissed.

"Sorry," Hermione whispered.

They made their way towards the forbidden corridor, where Penelope glanced both ways then inspected the door. "I wonder what's on the other side."

"Well, last time it was a cerberus," Hermione said, taking the cloak off and tucking it away. "But I think whatever it is we'll let Luna handle it if it's an animal. That's sort of her area of expertise."

Penelope charmed the lock open, and the three girls stepped into the room. At the center was a large nest, from which two glowing eyes peered.

"Oh, hello Buckbeak!" Luna said cheerfully, stepping forward and curtsying to the hippogriff. "Are you here to guard the secret treasure?"

The hippogriff let out a squawk, bobbing its head.

"Can we get past please? We're going on an adventure!"

Buckbeak stood and trotted away from its nest, pointing his beak inside.

"Thanks Buckbeak!" Luna called, waving as the three girls descended through the trapdoor.

They dropped down into cool, verdant chamber filled with moss and lichen. The sound of dripping water could be heard in the dim light, and Hermione raised her wand and muttered _lumos,_ casting light about the room. Towards the exit from the chamber, a plant rose and twisted towards the light.

"What is that?" Hermione asked.

Luna frowned. "I don't know, I'm not much of an expert on plants, daddy isn't really interested in them."

"Douse the light!" Penelope ordered. "That's a Sprouting Photohydra."

Hermione did as instructed, lowering her wand. "What do we do?"

Penelope reached out and took the other girls by the hand. "We'll have to edge past it. Be very, very gentle. Photohydra's aren't very dangerous at first, but any damage makes them grow furiously and multiply. If you try any offensive spells we could end up trapped by their rampant growth."

The girls pressed up against the wall and edged forward. The photohydra's vines and leaves caressed them as they passed, but with a delicate touch they could be turned aside.

"Can you imagine what would have happened if we had brought the boys with us?" Hermione giggled once they were past the plant. "They would have lit it on fire or something and we'd never have gotten through."

In the next room was a large stone tablet the size of a barn door with the numbers 1-100 in Roman numerals upon it, with ancient runes at the top.

"I prime backwards," Hermione read, looking up at the ancient runes. "That's what it says, isn't it?"

Penelope shrugged. "I took divination and arithmancy, so I haven't the foggiest."

"Awful lot of wrackspurts in this room," Luna said, looking about with her eyes half shut.

Hermione hummed to herself, studying the tablets. Suddenly she snapped her fingers. "I prime backwards! The numbers, we have to select all the prime numbers, but in reverse order!" Quickly, Hermione began touching numbers, starting with 97 and working her way down to 2. As she touched each numeral, it glowed softly. Once she had finished, the numerals flashed, then slid in. The stone tablets parted, revealing the way forward.

In the next room were three stone statues; one of a fox, one of a hen, and one of a sack of grain. Across the center of the room was strung a narrow, rickety bridge. At the other side lay three receptacles for the stone statues.

All three girls rolled their eyes. "Oh come on, this is too easy." The girls tapped the chicken, which came to life and fluttered across the bridge. Next they tapped the grain, brought the chicken back, then took the fox over. Last they crossed and got the chicken.

After the far door opened, they stepped into a narrow hallway, at the end of which was a wardrobe that shook and rattled. A sign on the wardrobe door read, "To pass, you must face your worst fear. But remember, if you make it ridiculous, nothing is that scary."

"A boggart," Luna pronounced. "Daddy taught me how to deal with those. Only…" Luna swallowed, taking a hold of Hermione's hand. "Only I don't want to face my worst fear…"

"It's OK Luna. I'll go first." Penelope edged down the narrow hall until she came to the wardrobe.

It popped open, and out of it stepped an angry looking Mrs. Weasley. "Date my son will you? Filthy mudblood! He's a pureblood you know, got big aspirations! You're just not good enough for him! I won't have a bunch of squib grandchildren, I want a proper witch for a daughter in law!"

"Riddikulus!" Penelope cried, and Mrs. Weasley suddenly grew very small, becoming a toddler that sat on the floor and wailed. Penelope spat on the boggart, then stepped through the open wardrobe. The trap reset, with the boggart getting sucked back inside.

"I'll go next," Luna said quietly. "If I can't...you'll help me, right Hermione?"

"Of course," Hermione agreed, squeezing Luna's hand.

Luna edged forward, her eyes squeezed shut. She trembled as she approached the wardrobe, knowing what she would face. Out of the doors stepped Harry, sneering at Luna. "You really thought we were friends? Who would ever want to be friends with you! You're a stupid, ignorant girl! You let your mother die, you let Voldemort control you, not even your own father loves you!"

"Riddikulus," Luna whispered, tears streaming down her face.

Boggart Harry laughed in her face. "What made you think I could ever care for someone like you? I was never your friend Luna. I just thought I could laugh at you, but now you're too pathetic for even that"

"Riddikulus!" Luna shouted, waving her wand and backing away. This time, the spell worked. Harry turned into Ron, who produced a pie and bit into it, then belched loudly. Luna grimaced and stepped past, tears streaming down her face.

Alone now, Hermione took a deep breath and stepped forward, wondering what her greatest fear would be. Boggart Ron looked up at her, his face contorting in horror. "Ugh! You're so ugly! Look at those teeth! They're hideous! Wow, I wish you were actually pretty, then I might notice you. Honestly, if I had let the troll cave your head in it would have been an improvement."

"Riddikulus!" Hermione screamed, and boggart Ron suddenly began to juggle bits of colored ribbon. Hermione grimaced and stepped through the wardrobe, to find a smoking wreck of a once animated metallic dragon and knight.

"Sorry we didn't wait for you," Luna said, lowering her wand. "I think I we had some lingering anger issues to sort out."

Imagining the knight to look a bit like a certain red headed moron, Hermione fired off a blasting hex of her own, shattinger it's twitching form. "I completely understand."

The next room had a lock that could be opened by building a simple circuit with a battery and copper wires. Hermione and Penelope found it hilariously easy, though Luna admitted that as a pureblood wizard it would have been nigh on impossible for her to manage alone.

The next chamber contained a variety of bubbling cauldrons and many ingredients scattered on tables. At the center of the room sat a raven in a large bird cage, which was snoring softly.

"What are we supposed to do?" Luna asked, looking around the room.

The raven started, nearly falling off its perch. "Oi, about time you lot showed up. Honestly, I was beginning to think the famous weasels weren't all they were cracked up to be."

"Sorry, you were expecting us?" Luna said, stepping forward.

The Raven croaked and ruffled its feathers. "Of course! This whole place was designed to keep you from obtaining the secret treasure, so naturally you'd turn up sooner or later." The raven squinted and glanced at a calendar hanging in it's cage. "Oh! And it's your lucky day. You see, any other time and I'd give you a devil of a potions task to brew for me. Take you all night it would. But, seeing as how the boss has money riding on this, I'm just going to let you through."

Behind the Raven, two cauldrons spilled their contents into grates, then shrank, revealing a path forward. The raven chuckled and winked at the three girls. "Go right on in! Good luck with the last task! Oh, and tell the boss he owes me. 60/40, just like we agreed."

Slightly baffled, the three girls walked into the last chamber. Inside of a golden cage sat the Sorting Hat, snoring peacefully.

"That's what this was all about?" Penelope said, sounding slightly disappointed.

The Sorting Hat started, jerking and looking around. "What? Where am I? Oh!" Spying the three girls, the Hat's brim curled up in a sort of smile. "Welcome, welcome! I was expecting you. To free me and earn your reward, you must pass the trial most perilous."

"What trial?" Hermione asked, stepping forward. "Is it another riddle? The others were kind of easy if you ask me."

"No more boggarts," Luna vowed. "I'd rather face a dementor."

"What? Oh, no, nothing like that. You must choose, and choose wisely." The Hat nodded to a small blue velvet bag laying on a pedestal.

The girls approached, and Penelope picked up the bag. "Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans?" She made a face and looked at the Hat. "You can't be serious."

"Well, that's the trial. The Headmaster forbid any truly dangerous tasks, as it wouldn't do actually harm your students. That, and the Headmaster actually finds your exploits enormously amusing. And really, if you've made it this far, we might as well have a little fun."

Grimacing, Penelope reached in and popped a red bean into her mouth. She suddenly brightened. "Oh! Cherry! I actually like that."

Luna and Hermione both gasped though. "Penelope! Your hair!"

Penelope pulled a lock of her hair before her eyes and groaned. "Really? Cherry red hair?"

The golden cage vanished, and the Sorting hat flopped on Penelope's head. "Oh! I see, not quite time for that. Well, perhaps I'd best have a word or two with young Percival. Tell him to get a move on." Penelope's hair turned blonde again, causing Hermione and Luna to giggle.

"That really isn't necessary," Penelope stammered, going bright red.

The Hat harrumphed, but didn't comment further. "Well, go on, join hands, and I'll take us back to the entrance."

As soon as they linked hands, the conquering heroines found themselves transported back to the entrance of the third floor corridor.

"So what do we do now?" Hermione wondered, getting out the invisibility cloak.

Luna grinned. "Tell Percy he'd best get a move on." She plucked the Hat from Penelope's head, and stuffed it into a bag. "I'll hold onto the Hat until he's ready."

"I'm still not turning my hair red," Penelope grumbled, ducking under the invisibility cloak. She grinned when she said it though.

When the girls got back to the common room, they found the Weasley boys waiting up for them.

"So, how did it go?" Fred and George demanded together.

Luna walked up to Harry, slapped him in the face, then hugged him. "I forgive you." Then she skipped up the stairs to the dorm where Ginny was already asleep.

Hermione walked up to Ron, sighed heavily, and slapped him. "When will you ever grow up?" Then she kissed the top of Ron's head.

"What did I do?" Ron demanded, jerking up from his chess game with Harry, who was rubbing his cheek and looking utterly shocked.

Hermione sniffed and flounced away to bed, ignoring Ron as she wasn't currently speaking to him.

Percy set aside his homework and frowned and Penelope. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be back in Ravenclaw tower?"

Penelope slapped Percy full in the face. Then she grabbed his robes and pulled him close, kissing him passionately. She suddenly let go, dropping the flabbergasted Percy straight onto his rear. "Get a move on." Turning, she walked out of the portrait hole and back to Ravenclaw tower.

"What was that about?" Harry demanded, still rubbing his cheek.

Ron touched his own reddening cheek. "I don't know."

"But why do I feel like we deserved it somehow?" Percy wondered, still laying on the floor.

For their parts, Fred and George simply convulsed with silent laughter on the floor, thoroughly enjoying the results of this latest prank.


	17. Chp 17: No more Marauder Puns I'm Sirius

_Chapter 17: No More Marauder Puns, I'm Sirius_

Anticipation tingled down Sirius' spine. It all came down to this. This was the last chance he had. He had to make it count. Carefully putting on his genius disguise, he snuck onto the Hogwarts grounds. In his hands he carried the tools of his mission. He was prepared. He could do this. Ahead of him, he saw his target: the red headed boy with his broom, waiting for the match to begin. Sirius walked up, and reached out a hand.

He clapped the ginger roughly on the back and growled, "Destroy those snakes for me, Harry."

The ginger turned around and frowned and Sirius. "Oi, I'm not Harry, I'm Ron. And who are you?"

Sirius held up his little Gryffindor flag, which he waved so that it roared merrily. "Oh I'm, um, Dour White. Good luck in the match kid, that's a nice broom."

"Thanks, my brother let me borrow it for the match. Say, is that a pair of groucho marx glasses?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sirius said, adjusting his cunning disguise, and hurried off to the stands. He was disappointed that it wasn't Harry flying on the firebolt he'd sent him, but he still wasn't going to miss his chance to see Gryffindor slaughter Slytherin in the quidditch cup. He lived for stuff like this.

Plus, he had a couple of water balloons he could chuck at Snape and Moony! He'd enchanted them so it would turn their hair pink. Priceless.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/

Harry and the rest of the Weasley's cheered from the stands as Ron, Fred, and George soared into the stadium. Slytherin and Gryffindor were within 80 points of one another. Slytherin had the lead, but would all come down to the final score today. Even if Ron caught the snitch, if Slytherin had too wide of a lead in quaffles they'd still lose the cup.

But that was not the primary reason that Ron was determined to catch the snitch early on. The dementors had been particularly restless today, coming close to intruding onto the grounds several times. They hadn't canceled the match yet, but Ron had half hoped they would. Somehow, playing quidditch just wasn't as fun when he was worried about Harry ending up in the hospital wing again.

Still, Ron was going to do his best. He waited for the quaffle to drop, then immediately started patrolling the stadium while Angelina faced forward on Ron's old Nimbus 2000 to grab the quaffle away from the Slytherin Chasers. Doing his best to ignore the frantic, Ron did a rapid circuit of the field. Malfoy, who normally relied on his superior broom to dive in and catch the snitch when the other seeker spotted it, found that he simply couldn't keep up.

"Where's your daddy's money now!" Ron shouted as he flew past, unable to resist taunting the other seeker. Malfoy shouted something after him, but Ron was already focused back on looking for the snitch as he drew away, his firebolt rapidly outpacing the Nimbus 2001.

In the stands, Remus Lupin was sitting with the Gryffindors feeling absolutely miserable. The full moon had happened the night before, and he was still sore and grouchy. That didn't matter though, as he had promised himself to keep an eye out for Sirius Black and any potential dementors that might try and feed upon the crowd's emotions. Dumbledore was in the stands as well, though he was sitting with the Slytherins while Remus stayed with the Gryffindors.

"That was a clear foul!" someone bellowed from nearby, standing and waving his roaring lion flag. "What, are you blind ref!"

Remus groaned and shook his head. "Keep it down, will you," he muttered, not intending to be heard.

"Eh, what was that, Moony?" the man said, half turning around.

Remus sat bolt upright, his headache forgotten. He stared at the man, then rubbed his eyes. The stranger had on some of those silly glasses the Weasley's carried with them, but even so, he couldn't hide his scent from Lupin, who was still half in the mind of a wolf.

"You!" Remus snarled, his nose finally deciding upon who it was.

Sirius Black turned around, his expression innocent. "Who, me?"

"Traitor!" Lupin bellowed, casting a stunning spell at the same time. Black dodged, then chucked a device at Lupin. The defense professor threw up a hasty shield, but liquid splashed all over him. He spluttered, expecting to feel the burn of acid, but nothing happened.

"Damn, shouldn't have called you Moony," Black muttered. He stood and threw another device with all his strength, straight for the Slytherin stands.

Professor Snape saw it coming, and hastily shielded himself against magical attacks. It did not, however, stop the bright pink water balloon from dousing him in liquid, or Professor Dumbledore, who was standing next to him. Lupin snarled, but had to do a double take. Instead of screaming in agony, Dumbledore and Snape instead had their hair turn bubblegum pink.

"Professor, why is your hair pink?" a student demanded. "And why do you have out your wand?"

"Sirius Black is in the stands!" Lupin roared, causing everyone to shriek in panic. "Get him!"

"Not a chance!" Black shouted. He had reached out and grabbed one of the Weasley's, who were standing right in front of him. "Do anything, and I'll kill him, I swear I will!"

"I'm a girl you moron!" Ginny screeched, trying to bite Black's hand but having no success. A rat tried to wiggle out of her pocket, but Black stunned the creature and it fell back into the girls robes.

"Right, sorry about that. Hold on," Black said. " _Portus_!"

Before Lupin could react, Ginny and Black varnished with a pop.

"No!" Lupin roared, diving forward, but with no success.

The game came to a screeching halt as the crowd shouted. Lupin ignored that and bowled forward into the Weasleys. "Do you have the map?" He demanded, hoping against hope that Black would not have gone far.

"I've got it here," Harry said, drawing it out. "Where did they take Ginny? What's Black going to do with her?"

"Nothing good," Lupin answered. He seized the map and studied it. He felt his heart skip a beat. They were still on the grounds! "There they are, in the Shrieking Shack tunnel. Ginny Weasley, Sirius Black, and...and Peter Pettigrew!" Lupin's eyes bulged. It couldn't be.

"Who's Peter Pettigrew?" Harry asked. "Is he another Death Eater?"

"No time to explain. You lot stay here, I'm going after Black," Lupin said, taking the parchment map and hurrying away.

"What's happened? Where's Ginny?" Fred and George shouted as they pulled up to the stands.

"Sirius Black kidnapped her!" Percy shouted. "Get brooms from everyone, they're in the shrieking shack! If we hurry, we can save Ginny!"

Angelina, Kaite, Alicia, and Oliver all handed their brooms over to the Weasleys, who quickly mounted up, even Hermione who had forgotten her fear of flying in favor of her fear of losing her sister.

"Ha! Shows what you know Weasley!" Draco shouted, holding up the snitch. "Slytherin wins!"

"Sod off you prat!" Ron shouted, drowning out Oliver's wails of despair. "Some things are more important than quidditch."

All eight Weasley's (and prospective Weasley's) flew off towards the shrieking shack, with Luna mounted behind Harry and clinging to him tightly. They had a score to settle.

When the spinning sensation ended, Ginny found herself being hauled up a long, dark tunnel. She tried to struggle and fight back, but Black ignored her struggles, instead throwing Ginny over his shoulder and striding up the passage. "I've got you now you little rat," Black growled.

"I'm not a rat, I'm a Weasley!" Ginny shouted, trying to kick and scratch at Black.

"Not you, the rat," Black said. He opened a door and strode into a dingy shack that had a banner hung up with the words "Super Secret Lair (No Dark Lords allowed)" written in scarlet letters. Before Ginny could try to figure out just what exactly this meant, she found herself dumped onto the floor. Black had taken her wand, and was pointing it at her. "Now give me the rat, girl, before I'm forced to do something we'll both regret later."

Ginny slowly drew out the stiff form of Scabbers, who was still stunned from Blacks earlier spell. "What, you mean this rat?"

Black licked his lips and nodded. "Tell me, is he missing a finger on left front paw?"

"Er, yes, he is," Ginny said, holding the rat up gingerly. She hadn't really wanted to take him, but Ron had wanted his pet to be present for the match and he'd dumped him on her.

"Ah ha! Then my cunning plan has succeeded!" Black seized the rat, and began hexing him vigorously. Ginny watched in astonishment for a moment, then stood and kneed Black in the groin as hard as she could.

Black let out a moan and dropped to the floor, dropping Ginny's wand as he clutched at himself. Ginny picked up her wand and leveling it on Black. "Now you're in for it, you wanker."

Black snarled and lunged forward, only to be hit from behind with an impediment jinx as Hermione crashed through the ceiling on her broom.

"Stop right there!" Hermione snarled as she picked herself up. "Or I'll hex you again! I'm serious!"

"No, I'm Sirius," wheezed Black from the floor. "You're a Weasley."

Hermione blinked and looked up at Ginny, who shrugged. "Honestly, this is the most rubbish kidnapping I've ever seen. I managed to free myself and get my wand back because he was obsessed with Scabbers instead of me."

"Was going to let you go," Black managed, getting to his knees. "Just want the rat."

Black was once more bowled over as Fred and George dropped right on top of him through the room, kicking Black in the head.

"You let our sister go!" they shouted.

"But I did!" Black protested. "I don't care about your sister!"

Ron and Percy came next, both hexing Black who groaned and slumped over. Then came Harry, Luna and Penelope, who each gave Black a good kick in the groin as well.

"Why?" Black moaned. "Why did you all kick me in the boys?"

"Because you kidnapped our sister!" the Weasley's chorused. "We're here to rescue her!"

Ginny sniffed and flipped her hair over her shoulder. "I rescued myself, thanks. He's pretty rubbish at kidnappings for a Death Eater."

"Not trying to kidnap you," Black moaned. "Someone get that rat! He's a traitor!"

"Who, Scabbers?" Ron said, picking up the rat and petting him. "He's been hexed and stunned! Why'd you torture my rat?"

"Because that, Mr. Weasley, is no rat." Everyone turned to the tunnel, where Professor Lupin was exiting, his bright pink hair disheveled and damp from his sprint across the grounds.

"It looks like a rat to me," Ron protested. "We've had him for years. He's always been a rat."

"No, he hasn't," Black growled, trying to claw his way forward and grab onto Ron. Percy hit the poor man with a knockback jinx, sending him flying towards Fred and George, who slammed their beater bats into Black so hard he bounced off the floor.

"Stop that," Lupin growled, his eyes flashing dangerously. "Leave him alone. Ron, give me the rat."

"Don't do it!" Penelope warned. "He must be in league with Black! He's a werewolf, you know."

"What?!" everyone but Luna and Hermione shouted.

"Of course he is, didn't you notice he always gets sick during the full moon?" Luna said.

Hermione nodded, leveling her wand at Lupin. "Indeed. I had hoped those rumors about werewolves being vicious monsters were false, but it seems you're nothing but another Death Eater!"

Black wheezed and twitched, and Harry realized he was laughing. "Moony? A Death Eater? Fat chance of that. He's a werewolf and a bit of a git, but he's no more a servant of the Dark Lord than I am."

"Sirius, that is not helping my case at the moment," Lupin sighed, shaking his head. "Ron, please. Either set that rat down or let me see him. If he is what I think he is, then there has been a terrible miscarriage of justice."

"I'm not giving you anything!" Ron said, hugging his rat tightly. "You could eat him! You're a werewolf!"

"I'm not eating anyone!" Lupin snapped. Then he paused. "Well, I might would eat that rat, but only on a full moon. And there isn't another one for a month, so he's safe for now."

"Guys," Harry said, shivering slightly. "I think maybe we should start running."

"Harry, don't worry, we'll handle Black and Lupin," Percy said confidently.

Luna let out a moan and sank to her knees, clutching at her head. From the floor, Black whimpered as the cracked windows began to frost over.

"I'm not worried about them," Harry whispered. He pointed out of the window. "I'm worried about those."

A horde of dementors was descending on the shrieking shack, their black robes hanging unnaturally still on their forms as they flew towards the occupants of the shed.

"Oh bugger," Black groaned. "I was hoping I'd deal with the rat before they showed up."

"Expecto patronum!" Percy and Penelope shouted. After a moment, Lupin's wolf joined the lion and dolphin.

"Why are you helping us?" Ron demanded, leveling his wand at Lupin. "I thought you were a Death Eater!"

"Even if I was a Death Eater, do you really think I'd want to get Kissed by a dementor?" Lupin said. "Circle up! Hopefully our patroni will hold off the dementors long enough for help to come."

Everyone huddled at the center of the shack, Harry clutching Luna in the middle of the rough circle as she wept and shuddered uncontrollably. "I do have friends, I do have friends, I do have friends," Luna chanted.

Harry shut his eyes, trying to block out the screams of Mr. and Mrs. Weasley as he heard them being murdered alongside the Potters by Voldemort. He focused not on his own fear and pain, but on Luna. "I'm here Luna. I'm your friend, I do love you," Harry whispered, trying to be brave and strong.

"Ah ha!" Black shouted, holding up Scabbers triumphantly along with Harry's wand. " _Homorphus_!"

With a squeak, Scabbers was flung back towards the dementors, turning into a shabby looking man with long dirty fingernails and yellowed buck teeth.

"What?!" all the Weasley's cried.

Black leveled Harry's wand at the trembling man as more dementors descended. "You're mine now Wormtail! If I'm going to die today, I want to at least commit the murder I was imprisoned for!"

"Stupefy!" Hermione shrieked, dropping Black to the floor. She pointed her wand at the man, who was shuddering uncontrollably as the dementors hurried towards him. "Stupify!" She grabbed Ron's hand, drawing him close to her. "Together Ron, we have to make a patronus!"

Ron nodded, raising his wand. "Expecto patronum!" they shouted together. A silvery otter and dog shot forward, driving the dementors away from the man.

"We did it!" Hermione shrieked, hugging Ron tightly. "We made a patronus!"

"Yeah, we did," Ron agreed, a goofy grin on his face as he hugged Hermione back. "Pretty cool eh?"

"But how do we get rid of the dementors?" Penelope asked, her voice shaking slightly. "I don't know how much longer I can last."

Percy reached out and took Penelope's hand. "We last as long as we can," he said, his own voice rough. "As long as we're together, we'll be alright." He turned to Penny and smiled at her. "I love you, you know."

Penelope smiled despite the cold. "I love you too, Percy."

Percy swallowed. "I don't have a ring or anything, but Penelope, if we survive this, would you marry me? Maybe not for a few years while I get established but-"

Penelope stopped Percy's rambling by kissing him, tears running down her face. "I would. I'd be honored to become a real Weasley, Percy. Even if I have to wait a few years."

Fred and George glanced at one another. "Think we could manage it as well?"

"Sure, but I'm not snogging you after."

"Well I wouldn't want to marry you anyway, you're ugly!"

"Ha! That means you're ugly too!"

"Expecto patronum!"

A red squirrel and an orangutan shot out of their wands, driving the encroaching dementors back slightly.

"Oh come on!"

"That's not bloody fair!"

"They're supposed to be identical!"

"Sirius, a bit of help," Lupin grunted. "Surely you can manage one as well."

"Pfff. As if I've got any happy thoughts from the last ten years," Sirius grumbled.

Lupin sighed. "Just remember that you not only managed to moon the entire school a few months back, but you've also managed to turn Severus' hair pink."

A giant silver dog ran forward, bowling into a group of dementors. Sirius let out a contented sigh. "Best. Prank. Ever."

"Which one?" George asked.

Sirius tapped his chin with Harry's wand thoughtfully. "Hard to say. I've dreamed of turning Snivellus' hair pink since I was a wee lad. But mooning the entire school is a lifelong goal of mine."

Fred laughed. "Hey, us too!"

"No fraternising with the enemy you two!" Percy shouted.

"Honestly Percy, I'm more worried about the dementors than Black," Ginny said, glaring at the faint silver mist she'd conjured. "Argh! Why can't I manage a proper patronus!"

"It's a very advanced spell Miss Weasley, you're doing quite well," Lupin assured her.

"And no enemies fraternizing with my sister!" Percy snarled.

Lupin shook his head. "I don't think either of us are your enemies. Are we, Sirius?"

"What? Oh, no, of course not. Unless Voldequirrel asks if I'm your enemy. The answer to that question is yes: definitely. Oh, and I'm supposed to give him a bit of your blood for a dark ritual of some sort but honestly I was planning on swapping it for ketchup."

"You're in contact with the Dark Lord?" Lupin demanded, turning to look at Sirius, his face a mask of horror. "Then you really are a traitor!"

"Honestly he just keeps running into me. And if there is anything I've learned, it's that when a Dark Lord asks you if you're a loyal follower of his and your unarmed and alone, you say yes."

"Hey, I think the dementors are leaving!" Hermione cried. "They're being driven off by something!"

A great silvery bird swept over the shrieking shack, driving back the dementors as it cried out with a melodic song. On the ground, a gleaming silver doe herded the dementors away from the shack as well.

The air warmed, and the huddled group let out a sigh of relief. "Well, that was fun, but I've got a rat to kill and then I really must be going," Black said, striding towards the prone form of Pettigrew and twirling Harry's wand.

"Sirius, stop!" Lupin ordered. "If you kill him, then we'll never prove you're innocent!"

"As if anyone would ever believe I was innocent," Black laughed, pointing his wand at Pettigrew.

"I couldn't agree more," Snape snarled, stepping through one of the broken windows. "Stupefy!"

Sirius dodged out of the way, firing back a spell of his own. "Nice hair, Snivellus!'

"You're mine now, Black," Snape growled, shielding against Black's spells and launching a salvo of his own.

"Severus! I believe Black is innocent!" Lupin said, trying to get between the two men.

"You would, you mangy cur," Snape said, firing a stunner at Lupin.

"Wow," Hermione said, looking back and forth between the three men who were furiously dueling. "Who do you think we should help? Should we help?"

Fred and George raised their wands. "Well 'Mione, in a situation like this, there is only one thing you can do."

"Stun them all and let Merlin sort them out!"

Hermione's stunner took Black from behind, while Fred and George got Snape and Lupin. Ron ran over to the man Scabbers had become, looking confused. "I don't get it, how did Black turn Scabbers into a person?"

"He used the homorphus charm," Hermione said, coming to stand beside him. "It must turn animals into people."

"That's not what it does," Penelope said, firing her own stunner into Pettigrew's prone form and making him twitch. "The homorphus charm forces an animagus back into their human form. You'll learn about it in sixth year charms."

Ron suddenly paled. "You mean...you mean Scabbers was a person this whole time?"

Penelope nodded. "Yes. He must have been that Pettigrew person that Lupin was talking about."

"But Pettigrew died in the war, Black murdered him," Percy said, coming over with Harry and Luna. "I remember mum and dad talking about it when it happened."

"Well obviously Black didn't successfully murder him," Hermione pointed out. "That must be why he was trying to get Pettigrew. He was trying to finish what he started."

"But that doesn't make any sense!" Harry said. "Why would he break out of prison just to kill someone he was in prison for killing?"

"That is a question I believe that I can answer," a new voice said. A hole opened in one of the walls of the shrieking shack, and Dumbledore himself stepped through, his bubblegum pink beard swaying as he walked. He glanced at the still forms of his two professors, the escaped convict, and the revealed animagus, and shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Minerva was right. You Weasley's do cause all kinds of interesting and novel headaches."

"It's our speciality!" Fred and George chorused.

"Please sir, I don't understand. What is going on?" Harry asked.

Dumbledore waved his wand, levitating the for still bodies off the floor. "That is a long story best told back inside of the school, where no lingering dementors can attempt to disrupt our talk. Come with me, Weasleys. We have a mystery to solve."

"I do like mysteries," Luna admitted. "Especially ones as confusing as this."

Back inside the school, Dumbledore sealed the doors of the Great Hall to the myriad inquiring voices. He pointed his wand at Lupin and revived him. "Ah, Remus. Perhaps you can enlighten us as to just what has transpired?"

Lupin groaned and sat up, rubbing his head. "Erg. I think I can fill in some of the holes, Headmaster, but only Sirius knows the whole story."

"Let us begin with what you know," Dumbledore said.

"Well, as you know, Sirius Black was imprisoned for betraying James and Lily Potter and murdering 12 muggles and Peter Pettigrew," Lupin said, pointing to the sleeping form of the rat-like man. "But here we have Peter Pettigrew, alive and well, having spent who knows how long disguised as the Weasley's pet rat. How long exactly have you had that rat?"

"Twelve years," Percy answered, shaking his head slowly. "I found him in the garden one day and mum let me keep him as a pet."

"That is an extraordinary long life for a common rat," Dumbledore observed. "Did you not suspect anything?"

"Well, I just thought he was, you know, magic," Percy mumbled, looking down in embarrassment.

"You mean I've been letting that creep sleep in my bed for the past three years?" Ron demanded, looking rather green.

"I'm afraid so, Misters Weasley," Dumbledore said solemnly. He pointed his wand at Black, who jerked upright.

"Where's Harry? Is he safe? Where's the rat? I'll kill him!"

"I'm fine Mr. Black," Harry said.

Sirius looked pained. "Harry, please. Mr. Black is my father, the old bastard. Call me Sirius."

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Perhaps, Mr. Black, you can enlighten us as to what truly transpired that fateful day when you were imprisoned in Azkaban."

Sirius nodded, not taking his eyes off Pettigrew. "Alright, but then I get to kill Peter, right?"

"We shall see," Dumbledore said.

"Hmph. Well, when I found out James and Lily were dead, I was devastated. Went a bit mad. Pettigrew had been the real secret keeper, I was just a decoy. I found Harry in the wreckage and gave him to Hagrid to keep him safe, then I set off after Wormtail. That is, Peter here. I tracked him down and was about to bring him in, when he shouted that I had betrayed James and Lily myself and blew himself up. Or at least I thought he had. I let the aurors take me away, I knew it was my fault James was dead. If only I had been the secret keeper." Black closed his eyes, a tear trickling down his cheek. "I'm sorry, Harry. It should have been me. I never would have told Voldemort where your parents are. Sure, I'll pretend to be a Death Eater and all that to save my own skin, but I would have died before I betrayed your parents."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Lupin demanded, shifting towards Black. "If I had known you were innocent, I would have done something. If I had only known…"

"Well, to be honest, I had thought you were a spy," Black admitted. "It wasn't until I was already in Azkaban that I realized that with Peter being the spy, you had to be innocent yourself. Sorry, Moony."

"It is I who should apologize," Lupin said, pulling Black into a hug. "My friend, I thought you lost to me."

"That explains a great deal," Dumbledore mused. He walked over to Pettigrew and bared his left forearm. "Ah. The Dark Mark. Then it is true. Peter was the real spy. For here-" he turned and jerked aside Black's sleeve. "We find...Sirius? What is this?"

Black wilted under the headmaster's glare. "Oh. Um, that's my Dark Mark."

Dumbledore raised both pink eyebrows and held up Sirius' forearm so that everyone could see the crudely drawn skull and snake with the "Slytherin Sucks" banner. "That is not a true Dark Mark. It appears to have been done by someone with very little drawing ability. Also, it is in crayon I believe."

"Look, I'm left handed. It was pretty hard to draw, OK? And I needed to give myself a Dark Mark so Voldequirrel would trust me."

"Voldequirrel? You mean that Voldemort is still inhabiting Quirinius' body?"

"Yeah, about that." Black launched into a brief, colorful tale about his daring exploits the past year, running into the Dark Lord and his host, how they kept finding Black no matter where he hid in the Forbidden Forest, and how Black had somehow managed to find himself the Dark Lord's new favorite Death Eater.

"But why did he order you to get Hermione or bring him her blood?" Ron demanded.

Sirius shrugged. "Some Dark Ritual or other. Like I said, I was going to substitute ketchup."

Dumbledore stroked his pink beard, looking thoughtful. "This presents us with a most unique opportunity. You have managed to gain Voldemort's trust. You could lead me to him, and we could banish him for many years again."

"Oh, no, he left a week ago. Something about sensing another one of his followers he could recruit. I was just glad he left me alone."

Dumbledore glanced at Snape, his eyes twinkling. "I believe this concludes the portion of the conversation relating to the Weasley clan. Rest assured, your former pet will be dealt with, and young Miss Weasley is in no danger of losing any blood to the Dark Lord at this time."

Sensing a dismissal, the Weasley's retreated, after each pausing in turn to give Pettigrew a sound kick in the side.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\\\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Snape groaned and stirred. He glanced up at the smiling face of the Headmaster.

"My dear boy, would you like the good news or the bad news first?"

"Bad news," Snape said, closing his eyes.

"You owe me two galleons. It appears Mrs. Clearwater has finally accepted an offer of marriage from young Percival, and is now a real Weasley."

Snape opened one eye. "If that's the bad news, I cannot wait to hear the good news. Are Black and Lupin both dead?"

"Sod off you greasy git," Black called.

Snape grimaced and opened the other eye, slowly sitting up as his wand hand twitched. "Is the good news that I get to kill them both?"

"Nice to see you're back to normal then," Lupin grumbled. "You'd think you could let a grudge go after 20 odd years."

"The good news is, I found you a partner in your future endeavors as my spy, Severus," Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling.

Snape's eyes narrowed. "Who?"

Black waved cheerily. "I told you, same team!"

Later, Snape went to McGonagall's quarters.

"What do you want?" the Head of Gryffindor snapped. "The Weasley's were the ones who stole that damn Hat, and now Penelope Clearwater has red hair and has moved into Gryffindor Tower. Or should I say Penelope Weasley. Apparently, she's accepted an offer of marriage from Percival. Honestly, I thought that boy had more sense, or at least enough ambition to wait until he had a successful career."

"To commiserate," Snape said, withdrawing a large bottle of firewhiskey. "You have a Weasley sized headache. I have an overgrown mutt sized one. And that idiot old man seems to find the entire situation amusing."

McGonagall conjured up two rather large tumblers and poured them both a drink. "To misery. May it always find company."


	18. Chp 18: Fairly Biased

_Chapter 18: Fairly Biased_

 _ **GIRL-WHO-FOUGHT-MONSTERS ADDS DEMENTORS, DEATH EATERS TO BODY COUNT**_

 _ **By Saffron Scrivener**_

 _ **It was pandemonium here at Hogwarts when Sirius Black himself appeared at the Slytherin/Gryffindor Quidditch match and kidnapped Ginerva Weasley in front of an audience of over a thousand. While such a brash display may have taken the Ministry of Magic by surprise, the elder Weasley sister, the Infamous Hermione Weasley, was not so easily given pause. Taking a broom from one of the Gryffindor Quidditch stars, she shot off in hot pursuit, leading her family on a quest to extract revenge!**_

 _ **And indeed, Miss Weasley was successful, finding and confronting World Renowned Death Eater (and Ladies' Man) Sirius Black himself, and forcing him to give up his hostage and taking him into custody. If it were not for the arrival of the dementors of Azkaban, Hermione may very well have slain Black then and there, as she did with a full grown mountain troll in her first year, and the Serpent of Slytherin, The Supreme Danger Noodle, last year.**_

" _ **I'm not surprised by this," Gilderoy Lockhart (Monster Hunter Extraordinaire) told the Prophet in an interview after returning from his adventures in Central and South America where he not only destroyed over a dozen chupacabras, but also put down the legendary Abchanchu Vampire. "I've worked with Miss Weasley before, even lost to her in an epic duel that nearly destroyed the entire school, where she used a most cunning petrifying spell reminiscent of the very gaze of the basilisk. That she could take down Sirius Black is no surprise, nor is it shocking that she was able to conjure a phoenix patronus. Reports indicate it may be the largest on record. One day, I hope to have her as my apprentice."**_

 _ **Indeed, multiple witnesses report the incredible patronus, larger than even Andros the Invincible's, which drove off several hundred dementors single handedly. Sadly, in the confusion Sirius Black managed to escape once again, though he reportedly vowed "I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids. And I'm not coming back to Hogwarts! So you could send the dementors away, since I won't be returning. The Weasley's are too scary!"**_

 _ **This reporter has to agree. If not even the most powerful of Death Eaters or the very demons of fear themselves can stand against Miss Weasley, who can?**_

Hermione groaned and tossed the paper over her shoulder, then banged her head on the table. "It's not true! None of it is true! My patronus is an otter! I didn't use some crazy magic, it was all of us, working together! Who tells these people these things?"

"That Saffron Scrivener is just a yellow journalist," Luna huffed. "He stole that Sirius Black quote from the Quibbler! Honestly, is there no professionalism in journalism anymore?"

Hermione looked up and glared at her fellow Weasley. "That's what you have a problem with? Not the blatantly false narrative about what happened with Black, or Lockhart's lies, or the fact that Sirius is still being painted as a Death Eater despite being innocent?"

"Well you were very heroic. From a certain point of view, you did petrify Lockhart. And Sirius has to stay publicly guilty, otherwise Sleepy the Wonder Turban will suspect him and kill him. You did read the Quibbler article, didn't you?"

Luna peered at Hermione, who sighed and held out her hand. "Fine, give it here. I know you have a copy."

Happily handing over the magazine in question, Luna gave Hermione a winning smile. "I think you'll find the piece on werewolf rights especially compelling. They've been manipulated by the ministry, you see. It turns out they're really only upset because they've been discriminated against in dental care. That's why they teamed up with the muggle dentists. Can you imagine how many toothbrushes a werewolf goes through?"

Hermione only grunted, skipping to the article about the incident with Sirius Black. "Well this is much better. It does go on a bit how about how brave, handsome, and heroic Harry was, and I don't recall Percy's shirt coming off or the impassioned love declaration or Penelope singing a duet with him. But still, at least it gets the basic facts straight, like Scabbers being Peter Pettigrew, Sirius being innocent, and Dumbledore saving us."

"Hey, what did happen to Scabbers anyway?" Ginny asked.

Ron set down his pieces of toast. "Not enough."

"Dumbledore says he's got him locked up somewhere," Harry said. "That's good enough for me."

"He wasn't sleeping in your bed. If it were up to me, he'd have a visit from a cat and a terrible end," Ron declared darkly.

Just then the morning post arrived, the owls flying in and depositing letters in front of everyone. Hedwig flew straight to Harry, dropping a quivering red envelope in his lap.

"Not again," Harry groaned. "What did I do this time?"

"Best get it over with," Ron said, taking the envelope with a grimace and opening it. The howler exploded, soaring up into the air and spinning around before stopping.

"ALBUS PERCIVAL WULFRIC BRIAN DUMBLEDORE!"

The Great Hall immediately quieted down, as all eyes turned to face the letter that was now berating the headmaster. The scarlet letter zoomed forward to mere inches away from the end of the Headmaster's long nose. "HOW DARE YOU LET MY BABY GIRL BE KIDNAPPED BY THAT AWFUL MAN SIRIUS BLACK! THAT'S THREE YEARS IN A ROW THAT MY CHILDREN HAVE BEEN SUFFERING AT YOUR SCHOOL! LAST YEAR IT WAS PERCY AND THIS YEAR IT WAS HARRY AND LUNA AND QUITE FRANKLY IF YOU DON'T SHAPE UP I'M TELLING FRED AND GEORGE TO MAKE THAT PINK HAIR OF YOURS PERMANENT!"

Then the letter spun around and fluttered back over to the Gryffindor table. "Ooo! Percy, Penelope, congratulations! I'm so happy! I've talked with your father and I'm sending you some wedding planning magazines!"

With that, the letter shredded itself into confetti and vanished. Everyone turned to look at the Weasley section of the Gryffindor table, just as George slipped underneath with the rest of the red heads. Apparently, even the Weasley's had some sense of decency. Professor McGonagall looked slightly smug, happy that someone other than herself was being pestered by the Weasley's antics for once.

At the farewell feast, Oliver Wood was completely despondent. "My last year, and we failed. I'm a failure! My career is ruined!" he sobbed as Katie Bell rubbed his back.

"But Oliver, we won the cup two years running! It was only because Ginny got kidnapped and the Dementors invaded one of our matches that we lost at all," Ron said, trying to comfort the distraught quidditch captain.

"But we didn't win this year!" Oliver howled. "How can I ever expect to be recruited into the quidditch league if I'm such a failure in my final year!"

"But Ollie, you got signed by Puddlemere United two weeks ago," Katie reminded him.

Ron looked horrified. "Oliver, you wouldn't! You signed with Puddlemere? But they're the Cannons arch rivals!"

"I could have had that cup," Oliver said wistfully. "If it wasn't for that villain Sirius Black. Next time your sister gets kidnapped Ron, have the decency to finish the match! I'll never forget that look on Draco's face."

"Well, now I'm glad that Slytherin won the cup, you wanker," Ron grumbled. "Signing with Puddlemere. And here I thought you were a decent bloke."

The banners unfurled for the winner of the house cup in the expected red. What was not expected, however, was the fact that instead of lions, the banners were emblazoned with Hermione's face and ginger locks, along with the motto, "Weasley's Rule, Slytherins Drool." Fred and George looked incredibly smug, even as Hermione groaned and banged her head on the table.

For her part, Professor McGonagall stood up and glared around the room. Spying Draco, who was passing a basket of rolls to Pansy Parkinson, she shouted "One thousand five hundred and twenty seven points to Slytherin for an excellent display of manners! And three hundred five points from Gryffindor for spelling the banners!"

The students let out a collective gasp. That was exactly the number of points needed to place Slytherin in the lead. Professor Snape stood, looking rather smug. "I believe this calls for a change in decor." He waved his wand, and the banners fluttered and went emerald. However, instead of the usual Slytherin emblem, a basilisk that had googly eyes and appeared to be made out of chow mein noodles appeared with the motto "Supreme Danger Noodle Best Snek." Snape nearly had an apoplexy then and there.

This time, Dumbledore let out a snort of laughter and had to duck down under the table, from which rather loud sniggering could be heard. McGonagall for her part sat back down and quietly drank the calming draughts she had with every meal now. Madam Pomfrey was worried that her old friend was becoming an addict, but then, she'd never had to contend with someone filling the entire Gryffindor dormitories with balloons that released laughing gas when popped because "Everyone was too Sirius." McGonagall wasn't sure if Black or the twins had been behind that one, but she was grateful that Black, at least, was gone for good now.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

"You want me to go back?" Black demanded, glaring at Voldequirrel. "But I just escaped from Hogwarts by the skin of my teeth! If I go back, then Hermione will be the end of me for sure! Anywhere but Hogwarts!"

Despite his words, Sirius was quickly planning an elaborate series of pranks on Snivellus that would involve his new proteges: the Weasleys.

"Ah, but you will not go back as yourself," the Voldemort half of Voldequirrel hissed. "You shall return as the new Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor, Mad-Eye Moody!"

Sirius frowned. This was absurd, even for the supposed Dark Lord. "But, I'm obviously not Mad-Eye Moody. For one thing, I've got both of my eyes. And legs. Also, I'm terribly handsome and fetching."

"Silence, minion! Of course you shall not appear to be Sirius Black! Tonight, you shall go to the residence of Moody and entrap him! Then, we shall imprison him in this trunk I have procured. Throughout the school year, you must brew polyjuice potion and harvest the hairs of Moody."

"Huh. Ok, that actually makes an odd sort of sense and it might work, but why? I mean, what's the point of infiltrating Hogwarts? I brought you the blood of Hermione."

"It tasted like ketchup!" Quirrell said from the other side of the turban.

"Do not speak, fool! It appears that the blood you harvested was not fresh enough, my faithful servant. We shall need another sample."

Sirius frowned. "Well, OK, but you have to remember that kidnapping Weasleys ended badly for me last time, and I just took the youngest. Taking the Girl-Who-Fought-Monsters would be nearly impossible."

"For you, perhaps, my loyal minion, but not for I, Lord Voldemort! My other servant, at this very moment, is working upon my most cunning and brilliant scheme yet! You must merely wait for instructions from him, and we shall yet triumph!"

"Oh, well, who is this other servant? How will I know when he contacts me?" Sirius asked. Hopefully Voldequirrell would just tell him and he could alert Dumbledore that it was time to move in and stop this idiot once and for all.

"Ah, but that would be telling! Be patient, minion, and you shall reap great rewards when I succeed in TAKING OVER THE WORLD! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Great," Sirius grumbled. "Well, now we just have to figure out how to brew the polyjuice potion."

"What do you mean? Surely a world renowned Death Eater-"

"-and ladies' man!" Quirrell added-

"-will be able to brew something as simple as a polyjuice potion."

"Well, see, here's the thing. I'm absolutely pants at brewing potions. Also, polyjuice tastes awful."

"Hmph. Then we shall simply have to contact our loyal potions master and have him brew the potions for you. Conveniently, he is also at Hogwarts."

"What, Snivellus? He'll try to poison me!"

"Oh, that's a good one, we'll have to remember that," Quirrell commented. "I do like Snivellus. Can we change his name on the roster, master?"

"Later, you obnoxious buffoon! Snivellus will not poison anyone as long as I order him not to do so, as it is key to my plan!"

Spirits raised by the prospect of having all of the other Death Eaters refer to his old rival by his petty nickname, Sirius agreed and apparated away to speak to Dumbledore.

/\\\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Truth be told, Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody was not enjoying his retirement. There was little in the way of entertainment except occasionally frightening the local muggle youths off, and he'd been stomping around his house growing increasingly bored and paranoid for the past week.

"Oi, old man, would you like to talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? I've brought tracts!" a loud voice called from Moody's gate.

"Ooo, Missionaries. They're always fun to bugger with," Moody muttered to himself. He checked his sneakoscope, and sure enough, there was a man in ecumenical robes with a bible in hand, waiting patiently at the gate. Moody relaxed the wards and let him in, anticipating driving the man completely mad by the end of his visit. His eye alone would be sure to drive a muggle up the wall.

Moody opened the door and glared up at the tall man. "Well, if you're here to-" his real eye widened in shock.

"I'm here to spread the good word of the Dark Lord!" the tall man declared, then ducked as Moody fired off a jinx. "Woah! Just kidding, just kidding! Same team, same team! Didn't you get the owl?"

"Don't get owls. Pestilent birds, always have to be vigilant. They could carry poison, or bombs, or even curses! Now hold still, I have to hex you."

Black yipped and dodged out of the way as Moody launched a rapid barrage of curses, hexes, and jinxes. "Oh, nice, disemboweling curse. My cousin Bella loved that one! But really, we're on the same team here! Didn't the headmaster contact you?"

"Stop lying and stand still, Death Eater scum!" Moody barked, relentlessly pursing Black through his house, spells flying fast and furious.

"But I'm not actually a Death Eater! I'm a spy! I'm here to pretend to kidnap you! Didn't you get the owl?"

"Dark Wizards getting dumber every day," Moody growled, finally cornering Black and hitting him with a stunner. The other man slumped over, and Moody chuckled to himself. Dumbledore would just love to hear this. Another Death Eater captured. Chuckling to himself, Moody hobbled over to the fireplace, levitating Black behind him. He threw a handful of powder onto it, and shouted, "Hogwarts, Headmaster's Office," then stuck his head in.

Peering around, Moody spied Dumbledore working at his desk. The Headmaster looked up and smiled. "Ah, Sirius, starting in on the plan already? I take it Alastor was amicable to our aims?"

"What are you babbling about, you old coot. I've just captured Sirius Black! Unless...You're a spy as well!" Moody withdrew his head and stepped through the fire, ready to duel whatever Death Eater had taken Dumbledore's place. Probably that wretched Snape, he was definitely up to no good, Moody was certain of it.

"Ha, take this, Death Eater scum!" Moody shouted gleefully. "This is the best retirement ever!"

The false headmaster ducked behind his desk. "What are you doing? Sirius, stop this instant! Or is that you, Alastor? Didn't you get my owl?"

"Don't get owls, those birds are nothing but a security risk!"

Dumbledore's head popped up, along with his wand, and Moody had to raise a shield as the false headmaster shot several spells back at him. "You're getting paranoid in your old age Alastor! Surely you would trust a bird from me, after all."

"Not since one crapped in my tea last week! I think it was the bird you sent my contract in. Or the real Dumbledore did, anyway. Now get out here so I can hex you!"

"Fawks, put an end to this!"

With a burst of flame, the Phoenix popped into being right behind Moody, pecking at his hand and causing him to drop his wand. Moody swore and tried to bat the bird aside, but found himself frozen as one of the headmaster's spells struck him and laid him low.

Standing and brushing himself off, Dumbledore sighed and shook his head. "Where have you got Sirius, Alastor? It has to be you, he wouldn't be nearly as paranoid as you are without proper coaching."

"What are you talking about? What's going on?" Moody demanded.

Dumbledore sighed and rubbed his forehead. It was going to be a long, confusing day.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

At the Burrow, every day was a long, confusing one, at least every day spent with Fred and George around. With Percy soon moving out to a flat of his own now that he'd acquired a job as a junior undersecretary in the Department of Magical Transportation, they were taking it as their personal mission in life to prank their brother within an inch of his life as he would soon be leaving them.

Unfortunately for Percy, they'd managed to convince the rest of their siblings that Percy needed a proper Weasley farewell before he became, as they put it, "Even more boring than he already is."

"Oh, good morning Percy," Harry said cheerily. "Why don't you take the shower first? Wouldn't want you to be late for work."

Percy beamed at his younger brother. "Why thank you, Harry. I've got a lunch date with Penny, we're going to be looking at wedding decorations. Can't afford much, but I do want it to be special for her."

Percy, the poor gullible sod, stepped into the open door Harry held for him. He should have known better. No proper Weasley would ever allow one of their siblings into the shower before them without some sort of twisted, evil plot. No sooner had Percy shut the door then Harry let out a low whistle, and Ginny hurried around the corner, carrying a large tub with softly hissing contents.

"Are you lot ready?" Harry hissed to the snakes.

"Yes, speaker, sneks is ready for mission!" a chorus of serpentine voices chorused from the tub. It was positively bursting at the seams with grass snakes.

"Are the twins in their places?" Harry asked Ginny as she set down the tub.

"Of course! They've got everything ready. Ron's in position too, keeping mum distracted until it's too late."

The sound of running water and singing could be heard as steam started to waft from the corners of the door frame. It was time.

"Alright you lot, up and at 'em!" Harry ordered.

"Sneks is boop silly Princess!" the grass snakes cheered, and Ginny dumped out the tub on the floor. The snakes began to squirm and wiggle under the door frame, and Ginny and Harry stepped back, watching the door as more and more snakes slithered into the bathroom. For a few moments, the singing happily continued, and the siblings grins grew wider and wider as they waited in anticipation. Then, with a sudden shriek, the singing ended. There was a bang, and a dozen serpentine voices squealed in terror. Then Percy burst out of the bathroom, naked except for a heavy lather of soap.

"Snakes!" Percy shrieked, dancing over the carpet of serpents. He sprinted for his room, still shrieking in panic.

"Good job guys," Harry hissed. "Anyone seriously hurt?"

"Oh my Salazar, he killed Kenny!" one of the snakes hissed.

Harry winced. "Oh. Sorry."

"Gulp. Don't be, Kenny tasty snek! Sneks make sure this cleaned up!"

"Gross, are they eating the snake Percy exploded?" Ginny asked.

Harry turned slightly green and blanched. "Yeah, they are. Snakes aren't really picky about their food." He switched back to snektongue. "Alright guys, lots of frogs out in the garden for you, back in the tub. Urg, and leave the bits of Kenny alone please, we'll bury him out in the garden."

There was a sudden squeal from Percy's room, and a soapy boar charged out of the room, grunting and tossing its head.

"Looks like the Boaring Brush works," Ginny observed. "Remind me to always check my hair brushes from now on."

As the boar crashed down the stairs, the voices of Fred and George could be heard as their pitfall trap triggered. Ginny pulled out several ribbons and bows in bright pink and hurried down the stairs, Harry right behind her. The comatose Piggy Percy was just outside the door, caught in the trap while the twins danced around the edges, two muggle spray cans in their hands as they hosed the pig down with pink paint.

"Relax Percy old bean."

"We'll have you out of there in a jiffy, make no mistake!"

"Too right, too right, we just have to make sure you're dressed for the occasion!"

"I've got the ribbons!" Ginny cried, and in a moment she had several lacey ribbons tied about the poor boar.

"Am I too late," Ron panted, hurrying forward with the camera.

"No, just in time," Fred and George chorused.

"Brilliant." Ron snapped the picture as Ginny stepped back, leaving the very pink and frilly boar as several photos were snapped.

"This will look great in the wedding album," Harry promised Percy, who was now glaring angrily up at them all with piggy eyes. "Penny will love it."

"Where's mum?" Ginny asked Ron as he finished with the pictures.

"Oh, I distracted her with a bridal catalogue and an article from the Quibbler that Luna wrote about how to ensure you get grandchildren. She'll be distracted for at least another 10 minutes."

"Right, that's enough," Fred said.

George pulled out an odd looking brush, and ran it through the boar's bristly pink hair. With a pop, the still pink (and naked) Percy appeared, ribbons draped about him.

"I am going to kill the lot of you," he growled, getting shakily to his feet.

"Not now, you'd best shower and get ready for work, or you'll never make your date," Harry advised.

Percy paled, then dashed back up the stairs. "I'll get you all for this!"

"One, two, three, four," Ginny counted.

"Eeeeeck! Harry, get rid of these blasted snakes!"

"Boop silly princess!" the voices of the grass snakes called.

"Calm down you lot, get back in the tub! I'll get your frogs for you now," Harry shouted. He turned and grinned at the twins. "Well, I think that went well. Oh. Except for Kenny. Poor Kenny. I barely knew him, but he was a good snek."

"A what?" Ron asked.

Harry shook his head. "Never mind. Come on, let's get rid of the snakes before mum gets her nose out of that article."

 _Authors Note:_

 _School is over, and summer is here! Yay! Unfortunately, that means a couple of things. First, I have blown through all the chapters for this story I have already written as I did not do much writing at the end of the semester (that wasn't writing IEPs and such anyway). So we're going to have to wait for me to finish the next few chapters and have them edited. Second, I am going to be working at a summer camp that's even more in the middle of nowhere than where I usually live, and sadly volcanoes do not have good wifi. That means you're probably only going to get a few updates until the end of July when I get back._

 _Thanks again for all your wonderful reviews and suggestions, I've been very pleased with how well recieved this story has been. I appreciate your patience as I work on future updates._


	19. Chp 19: And your little house elf too!

**Chapter 19: And Your Little House Elf Too!**

Once more, there was a quiet pop as Dobby appeared at 4 Privet Drive. The hedges were overgrown and ragged, not having been properly trimmed in years. The garden was full of weeds and choked with vines, and soft swearing could be heard along with the patter of little feet. Out front, a new sign had been posted, warning that the neighbors did not approve, and that the Dursley's needed to clean up their act.

Dobby snuck around Vernon, who was giggling to himself as he counted the gnome skins he had managed to collect: three so far. He had them nailed to the garden shed, and he fingered his newly acquired shotgun (which he had weighed down with lead weights, making it nearly impossible to aim). Petunia was once more vigorously cleaning the tile in the hall, removing every last speck of dirt. "No magic in here, no, none at all. We've no magic in the house. No, perfectly normal. Of course, nothing unnatural here."

Carrying his pie on his head, Dobby snuck into the house and up the stairs, where the formerly fat boy was looking rather mournful. He had changed in the past year; folds of skin on his neck showing a large amount of weight had been lost. He'd also gained muscle. Having parents that were considered "cracked" wasn't good for your social standing, especially if you were already fairly stupid. Dudley had been forced to learn to defend himself, and found that he was quite good at it. He nodded to Dobby as he entered. "Hi, Dobby."

"Hello, great master sir," Dobby squeaked, setting the pie down and bowing. "Dobby is so happy to be bringing you more treats!"

"Dobby...listen. I like the pies, and the fudge, and all the stuff you bring. It's great. Especially since mum doesn't really cook anymore. She just cleans. And dad….well, he lost his job selling drills. Spent too much time hunting gnomes."

Dobby wrung his hands. "Dobby does not know what to do for great master sir. Dobby is just a house elf!"

"You're my friend," Dudley said firmly. "I just... you've got magic, right?"

Dobby nearly wet himself he was so happy. "The Great Master says Dobby is his friend! Oh, Dobby is so excited! Yes, Great Master, Dobby is having magic! Dobby is a very clever elf!"

"Could… could you help us, Dobby? Help my mum and dad? They're not right in the head any more, you know. I think something's wrong with them. They don't know how to act, with all the gnomes and the enchanted garden and such. It's made them a bit mad. And me...I don't know. I'm not very bright myself. I'm just tough, and strong. I don't have any magic, so I can't do anything."

Dobby gasped. "But surely great master is the best of wizards! You are Harry Potter! You are the best kind of wizard. You are so kind to Dobby, always saying nice things, giving Dobby extra work to do, and being Dobby's friend!"

"But...but I'm not Harry. I'm Dudley. Dudley Dursley. Harry Potter is my cousin. He left ages ago to live with a wizarding family. I'm sorry, Dobby. I didn't mean to lie to you. I thought...I thought you knew. I'm sorry. I'm not very bright, you know." Dudley looked completely devastated, realizing that Dobby had thought he was someone else, and like all the others, was about to leave him.

"You mean... you mean Dobby hasn't been saving Harry Potter? That Great Master isn't Harry Potter, the most noble of wizards?"

"I...No. I'm just Dudley. I'm not a wizard at all. I wish Harry were here, actually. Maybe he could help mum and dad. Maybe he could make everything normal again. It all went wrong when he left. Just...please, Dobby. You're the only one who can help. I don't know...I'm not Harry, but you've got magic, like he did. Surely you can help? Please?"

Dobby sat down on the bed next to Dudley. He sniffed and hugged Dudley's arm. "Maybe you is not being Harry Potter, but you is still being Great Master. You are the kindest, most nicest man Dobby is ever meeting. Dobby is happy to serve great master. But...but Dobby is being a bad elf! Oh, Dobby is belonging to someone else, a master who would be doing most terrible things to Dobby if Bad Master is finding out! Oh! Dobby must be punishing himself for even saying such things about master!"

Dudley frowned, and clenched his hands into fists. "That's not right! You're my friend. You're nice. You make good food, and you help me. Who is this bad master? I'll sort him out."

Dobby hesitated, a plan starting to form in his mind. Maybe this boy wasn't Harry Potter, but he was still the Great Master. If he could free Dobby, then Dobby could be a free elf, and stay with Great Master forever.

"Great Master, Dobby is having a plan. If you can free Dobby from Bad Master, Dobby will help you and stay with you and be your elf forever and help Great Master's parents. Here is what Great Master must do…."

Dudley listened, nodding and asking Dobby to repeat the tricky bits. After about half an hour, Dobby left, and Dudley went downstairs, where his mother was once more wiping down the spotless baseboards while muttering about magic.

"Mum, I want to go camping."

/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\\\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

For once, the entire Weasley clan was up at the crack of dawn without a single complaint from anyone. After all, it wasn't every day that one got to go see the Quidditch World cup, and even Percy was looking fairly chipper at the prospect.

"Mr Crouch has put me in charge of the whole thing," Percy gushed, hurriedly eating his breakfast. He batted away the hand that tried to sneak an enchanted roll on his plate and glared at Fred. "I don't know why, but he's been sick very often lately. I've had to learn Bulgarian, and let me tell you, it isn't easy. But I've managed it, and I think I'll even get a promotion soon!"

"That's great Percy," Penelope said, silently hexing George for trying to poison her fiance once again. "My own job at the Quibbler is going quite well. Thanks again Luna for getting me in touch with your father, I rather enjoy being a journalist. Before long we'll both have enough saved up for a place of our own."

Percy beamed, getting the same goofy grin on his face he got whenever he looked at his intended. Standing, he took one last bite of toast and gave Penelope a kiss on the cheek. "I'll see you there love, I've got to get going, lots to do before the crowds start arriving today."

"No apparating in the house!" mum called from the kitchen. "Go out to the garden to do it young man!"

Percy rolled his eyes, but obediently stepped outside. A loud crack was heard, and Percy vanished.

"Can't we apparate over mum?" Fred and George demanded.

"Absolutely not!" their father said, sitting down at the table. "Not until you've passed your tests. And like your mother said, no apparating in the house. It drives the ghoul mad. Good morning, Penelope, Hermione, Luna. Weasleys. Ready to go?"

"Yes dad," everyone chorused, including the girls. Penelope's own hair was now a permanent red, and freckles had sprouted on her face after Harry had quietly slipped her some Weasley Potion a few weeks ago. Though Fred and George had gotten the blame for that particular misdeed, they had accepted it in good humor and congratulated Harry on it later. Personally, Harry had felt that it simply wasn't right that Penelope had changed her hair back a few days after the Hat had put her in the Weasley house.

"Oh, I can't believe we have to wait a whole year for the wedding," mum said, sighing heavily as she sat down to her own breakfast.

"That's OK mum, that means more time to plan," Ginny said, shoving another load of potatoes onto her plate.

Penelope rolled her eyes. "You know, I'm the bride, and even I don't seem to be as excited about this as you two."

"That's because of the nargles," Luna said helpfully. "They're all over Ginny and mum."

"Yeah, we tested for them," Harry said. "Percy got them pretty bad too you know. I think that's why he's been so weird lately."

"He's just busy with work," Penelope defended. "Mr. Crouch is working him very hard. I told him I don't approve of it, but he is trying to save up enough for us to have a good life together, so I understand."

"I've told that boy there's more to life than work and money," dad said, shaking his head. "He'll understand, one day."

Harry nodded sagely. "I agree, money isn't that important."

"You'd best be careful saying that, young man. If you keep buying such expensive 'birthday gifts' for everyone, your own vault will be drained in no time," mum lectured. "Just how much did you spend this year?"

Harry shrugged. "I don't know, but I'm not worried about it. When it's gone, it's gone. Everyone liked their presents and that's what mattered."

Soon enough it was time for the Band of the Red Hair to depart the Burrow for the Quidditch cup grounds. Along the way the passed the Diggory's, with Cedric waving and smiling at Harry and Ron. "So, which of you am I flying against this year?"

"Me!" Ginny cried, pushing her way in front of her brothers. "Ron says he's trying out for keeper and I'm a better flyer than Harry is."

"As if," Harry said.

"And who caught the snitch in our last two games?" Ginny demanded, planting her hands on her hips and glaring at her brother.

"I was just rusty after not playing all year," Harry said. "You know, with all the dementors?"

Cedric laughed and shook his head. "Well whoever it is, just make sure you don't try and turn my hair red."

"Oh, it's not so bad," Luna said. "I rather like being in the Weasley house."

"Yeah, come on Cedric," Fred and George called. "Gin-Gin needs a boyfriend, and you're a quidditch star."

The twins ran away whooping with laughter as Ginny tore off after them, swearing loudly enough to make her mother shout and hurry after her.

"Hmm, it seems you were right my boy," Mr. Diggory observed. "They are a rather odd bunch. Makes sense now that the Burrow up and disappeared. Still, it's good to know that my son has beaten the infamous Weasley's at quidditch a time or two, eh?"

The rest of the walk Mr. Diggory seemed set on comparing his son's achievements with everything the Weasley's had done, which got rather absurd since apparently he believed everything he'd read in the prophet.

"Just so you know," Cedric told Hermione as they hiked up the steep hill to the portkey site. "I don't mind if your patronus is bigger than mine, no matter what my father says mine isn't a nundu."

"Mine's just an otter," Hermione confided. "The big one was the Headmaster's. Honestly, I don't know where people keep getting the idea that I'm so exceptional. It wasn't even me who defeated the basilisk, it was Lockhart."

"Well, did you petrify him?" Cedric asked.

"Well yes, but I wouldn't have if I'd known he wasn't actually evil."

"I'll keep that in mind the next time I'm dueling a world renowned monster hunter," Cedric said dryly.

Everyone took a hold of the moldy old boot, and Harry felt as if his world was spinning away before they arrived at the odd campground. Hermione handled the interaction with poor muggle caretaker and his family, though they all flinched when he was obliviated afterwards. All through the campground Harry saw the pageantry of the wizarding world on display. Tents of all colors and shapes had been set up, and even a few houses had been erected. Some looked ordinary enough, others were made of dragonhide, or had shimmering cloth walls. Wizards and witches from all over the world strutted about in their native dress, waving banners and singing songs supporting their favored team. Harry listened in, trying to understand just what exotic things they were saying.

"I'm telling you these people are all bloody unnatural! Worse than the gnomes they are. Why if I hadn't forgotten to pack my shotgun, I'd show them what for! Bloody magic, it's unnatural I tell you!"

Harry's eyes widened as they rounded a corner and he spied none other than Uncle Vernon, who was hammering away at a stake as he attempted to set up a distinctly out of place perfectly normal pup tent.

Turning to hurry away, Harry stopped when a tall, muscular blond boy ran up to him. "Harry! I'm glad you came, Dobby said you'd come, but I wasn't sure. But you're here! And you can help!"

"Er, sorry, do I know you?" Harry asked, studying the boy. His eyes suddenly widened. "Dudley? But how- you're muggles! How did you get here?"

"Shhhh!" Dudley said, looking around with a slightly panicked expression. "I know! I know. But Dobby said this was the only place he knew for sure you would be that we could get to! And Harry...you have to help. Please. Mum and dad, they aren't right in the head."

"Oi, Harry, who's this?" Ron asked, coming over when he noticed Harry lagging behind.

"Er, this is my cousin, Dudley. Dudley, this is my brother Ron."

"Oh, hello. I didn't know Harry had a brother. I thought his parents were dead," Dudley said, sticking out his hand.

"Wait, you're not one of Harry's awful muggle relatives are you? How did you even get here?" Ron demanded, eyeing Dudley's hand like it was a spider.

"Oh, my friend Dobby brought us," Dudley said, his hand still awkwardly extended.

"You're friends with a wizard?" Harry asked. "I thought you hated magic."

"Oh, Dobby's not a wizard. He's-"

"There, right there! I told you, we've got muggles here!" a very irate looking wizard was leading a harassed looking obliviator towards the pup tent Uncle Vernon was setting up. Just before he arrived though, there was a soft pop, and a house elf appeared.

"Master Vernon, Dobby is back with yous tea sir. Please, be letting Dobby help with setting up the tents good Master Vernon sir."

"Oh, alright. But you did put the brandy in like I asked?" Uncle Vernon demanded taking the tea cup and glaring around. "Awful lot of funny business around here I tell you, Dobby. It's unnatural. Not the proper place to go camping at all. Don't know why I let you and Dudders talk me into it."

"Look, he can't be a muggle you idiot, he's got a house elf," the exasperated obliviator said, pointing to Dobby who was busily setting up the pup tent.

"Oh, well, he was certainly acting like a muggle," the other wizard groused loudly, glaring around at the other people who were quietly laughing at him behind their hands.

"Of course he bloody was! You're all supposed to be acting like bloody muggles! Honestly! Oi, you, put that away! We said no magic, and by Merlin's beard spelling your cottage to change paint colors every five minutes isn't going to bloody well fly!" The obliviator stomped away to harangue someone else, obviously fed up with the entire world cup despite the fact that it had yet to even start.

Harry and Ron exchanged a confused look, then stared at Dudley, who still lamely had his hand extended. Harry elbowed Ron, who grunted and shook the other boys hand. "Dudley, why do you have a house elf?" Harry asked.

"Oh, well, that's sort of confusing. You see, after you left, Dobby came round and asked that I not go to Hogwarts."

"But you don't go to Hogwarts," Ron said, furrowing his brow.

"Yeah, so I told Dobby I wouldn't go go Hogwarts. But then he kept turning up and bringing me sweets. Turns out, he thought I was you," Dudley explained.

"He thought you were a Weasley? That's preposterous, everyone knows that Weasleys have red hair," Ron protested.

"But Harry's not a Weasley, he's Harry Potter," Dudley said, looking even more confused and dim than usual.

"Not any more I'm not," Harry declared proudly. "I'm officially a Weasley now."

"Oh." Dudley scratched his head. "Um, does that mean you can't help me now?"

"Well, what do you want me to do anyway?" Harry asked.

"That's a good question. Um, Dobby, what do you want Harry to do again?" Dudley called

In a flash, the house elf had scrambled over and was staring wide eyed up at Harry. "You sirs are being the Great Harry Potter sir?"

"Nope, I'm Harry Weasley."

"He's an ex-Potter," Ron told the house elf. "It's the red hair you know. Turns you into a Weasley."

The house elves ears drooped. "Oh, well, Dobby was hoping the Great Harry Potter sirs would be freeing Dobby from his horrible master so that he could be helping Great Master Dudley."

"Sorry, we can't just go around freeing people's house elves," Harry said, shaking his head. "Who is your master anyway?"

"Dobby is serving the House of Malfoy," Dobby answered.

"Wait, did you say Draco Malfoy is your master?" Ron demanded.

When Dobby nodded, Harry and Ron exchanged a wicked grin. "Well, you know, we're always happy to help a friend in need."

A bit later, Harry, Ron, Dobby, and Dudley found their campsite, where Mr. Weasley had set up his tent amidst a sea of Ireland fans.

"Fred, George, we have a pranking emergency!" Harry declared, sticking his head into the tent.

Immediately, the twins heads popped up from the couch where they had been lounging. "A pranking emergency?"

"Sounds like a job for the wonder twins!"

Quickly, Harry and Ron explained the situation. "So you see, we need a way to prank Draco so that he frees Dobby! He says he has to hand him some clothes or something."

Fred and George rubbed their chins. "Hmm, do we even know where Draco's going to be sitting for the world cup?"

"Oh yes masters, Master Draco is to be sitting in the prime minister's box," Dobby supplied.

"Hey, that's where we're sitting too!" Harry said. "That's perfect. Draco will never know what hit him."

"Oh, please, don't be hurting master Draco!" Dobby plead, wringing his hands nervously. "Dobby wouldn't want even master Draco to be getting hurt."

"Emotional damage only," Fred promised.

"Can't promise he will be able to live with the shame though," George added.

Dobby considered this, then nodded. "Dobby doesn't mind if master Draco's feelings are being hurt."

"What are you going to do when you're freed though?" Harry asked Dobby.

Dobby sighed and wrapped his arms around Dudley, gazing up at the large boy with reverent awe. "Dobby will be going to serve Great Master Dudley and taking care of hims and great masters poor parents for the rest of their lives."

The Weasleys were silent for a moment, looking with disgust as Dudley hugged Dobby back. Finally Fred shrugged. "Well, I mean, as long as we get to prank Draco, I don't actually care what you do."

The next morning everyone awoke bright and early and headed down to the enormous quidditch stadium. Streams of witches and wizards piled in, filling the massive stands. On the way Harry sprang for omnioculars for everyone, emptying his current reserve of gold. He shrugged when his father brought it up. "I can just get more from my vault, it's no trouble." What he did not mention was that his vault was looking a tad bit more bare recently with his rampant spending on lavish birthday gifts and sneaking galleons into his mother's purse whenever she wasn't looking, which was often.

"Ooo, I think I can see a new breed of nargles with these on," Luna said, putting on her Omnioculars despite the fact that they were still going up the stairs. "Whoops!" She tripped, and Harry had to reach out and grab on to keep Luna from falling off of the rickety stairs.

"Thanks Harry," Luna said, resting her head on Harry's shoulder as they climbed up the stairs. She'd had a recent growth spurt, and was nearly as tall as Harry was for the moment. "You know, I heard there would be veela and leprechauns at the games. I'm going to have to give you my special anti-veela protection."

"What's a veela?" Harry asked, but before Luna could answer they arrived at the top box. Spying Draco, Harry carefully set Luna down in her seat. "Sorry Luna, got something I've got to take care of. Be right back!"

Harry hurried over to where Draco was already taunting Ron as he pulled out a white apron. "I'm surprised they let you Weasley's into the top box. Did they have a charity event to allow you in?"

"We're actually here as servers," Ron said, whipping out a white cloth and covering his arm. "Got to make a little extra money you know, so we can afford to feed our poor starving family."

Draco sneered. "Ha! I knew you could never afford to see the world cup like proper wizards! What are you serving?"

Fred bustled over, putting out a table while George set it. Harry took out and unshrunk the cart Fred had transfigured earlier, trying to keep a straight face as he waited for Draco to make his selection.

"Draco, what's all this?" Lucius Malfoy demanded, coming over with a portly wizard in a green bowler hat. "Minister, you didn't say anything about a luncheon."

"Compliments of Ludo Bagman sirs," George said, thinking quickly. "He figured you could use a spot to eat."

"Oh, well, of course, that sounds lovely," Cornelius Fudge said, sitting down as Fred and George set out another table for the minister and the elder Malfoy.

Accepting all this as his due, Lucius sat down and began to examine the menu. There was a slight pop, and Dobby appeared next to his master. "Master sirs, if yous is needing any food Dobby could be making it for you!"

"That won't be necessary Dobby. Go stand over there," Lucius ordered, indicating the corner. "Hmm, I'll try the Fettuccine Alfredo with the white wine."

"Of course sir," Harry said, springing into action and setting a white cloth that resembled a napkin over Lucius' lap. He then set out a steaming dish of what looked like pasta, while Ron poured the "wine."

"Getting served by the Weasleys! Wait until everyone hears about this," Draco chuckled as George filled the boy's glass. "If Slytherin winning the quidditch and house cup wasn't enough, now you're reduced to servants!"

"Boys, what on earth are you doing?" Mr. Weasley demanded, peering over at them as he set down him omnioculars. "The match is about to start."

"What do you mean, aren't your boys serving us the luncheon?" the minister said as Harry served him a plate of bangers and mash.

"What? I never heard anything about that. Fred, George, is this another one of your pranks?" Mr. Weasley demanded.

Just as he said that, Lucius took a swallow of "wine." It was, in fact, rubbing alcohol mixed with lemon juice. He spit the concoction all over the minister's face, then used his "napkin" to wipe his lips. "What is this? It tastes like swill!" he jabbed his fork into the "alfredo" and sniffed it. "And this smells like troll sweat!"

"It's actually niffler dung," Harry said, grinning hugely. "Luna had some."

Flinging his fork down in disgust, Lucius wiped his hands off with his the white cloth in his lap. When Dobby hurried over, Lucius handed the cloth to Dobby as he rose to berate the Weasleys.

Dobby promptly unfolded the "napkin" which turned out to be one of Ron's old undershirts. "Master has given Dobby clothes! Dobby is free!" the house elf shrieked.

Lucius turned beat red. "WHAT?!" he roared, drawing his wand.

"Dobby has been given clothes! Dobby is free!" With a pop, the house elf vanished.

Lucius whirled, knocking over the flimsy transfigured table and pointing his wand at the Weasley boys, panting heavily. "You! You four are responsible for this! I'll see you in court, I'll-"

"Do what, exactly?" Hermione stepped forward, placing herself between Lucius and the Weasley boys, absently tapping her wand on her thigh. Ginny and Luna stepped forward as well, glaring at the Malfoys.

Lucius swallowed, and hesitated. He glanced at the minister, who had stopped sputtering and was glaring at Lucius darkly. "I, um, I believe you'll hear from my solicitor. Come, Draco!"

"But father, the quidditch-" Draco glanced at Hermione, who glared daggers back at him. Rubbing his nose, Draco hurried away. "On second thought, the world cup is overrated. I'll listen in on the wireless at home."

"Sorry about that Minister," Harry said smoothly, wiping the man's face off. He replaced the plate of bangers and mash, which had been made by their mother that morning. "Please, enjoy your meal." Ron poured for the minister, this an actual bottle of butterbeer Fred and George had gotten from a vendor earlier.

Fudge took a tentative bite, then chortled. "Why, this is excellent! I don't know what Lucius was so upset about. Capital job, young man."

The crowd cheered as the pre match show began, and the Weasley's hurried back to their seats.

"Ron, what was that about?" Hermione demanded.

Ron shrugged. "Oh, just helping a house elf find true love."

"You did what?" Mrs. Weasley asked, looking completely perplexed.

"A tale of two star crossed lovers," George sighed.

Fred nodded, putting his hands over his heart. "Kept apart by magic and servitude, united at last."

"You're having one on us, aren't you?" Hermione asked, looking at the four boys with a furrowed brow.

"Nope, completely serious," Harry said. "Dobby was being kept against his will. By freeing him, we've let him serve his true love and master. My muggle cousin, you know."

"Harry, stop it with the nonsense," Mr. Weasley ordered. "Oh look, here come the Veela!"

Harry's eyes snapped around as something tugged at his body and mind. He saw the most gorgeous woman dancing into the stadium, their long hair flowing, their bodies gyrating so compellingly. Nothing else matter, nothing-

"Harry."

Harry turned to see Luna leaning into him. She grabbed Harry's collar and kissed him full on the lips, closing her eyes as she did so. Harry's own eyes widened, then his eyes closed as his hand reached up to cup Luna's cheek. After what felt like both an eternity and far too short a time, the kiss broke off. Luna grinned at Harry. "Well, did it work? Did you notice the veela?"

Harry blinked, his mind full of fog. "What's a veela?"

Luna sighed and wiggled up against Harry's side. "I knew it! Mum was right, that is the perfect anti-veela charm."

Harry looked down at Luna, then put his arm around her shoulders. He glanced over at Ron, who was still tongue locked with Hermione. He glanced at their parents, wondering why they hadn't said anything, only quickly glance away and feel sick to his stomach. At least he didn't have to worry about his parents splitting up, apparently they were still quite passionate.

"Oh, sure, you lot all have your true loves, but I'm stuck with the hormone monsters here," Ginny grumped, folding her arms and glaring daggers at Fred and George.

For their parts, the twins hand their shirts off and were waving them over their heads, making cat calls down at the veela. Sick of the whole thing, Ginny fired stinging hexes off at the chins bare backs. They yelped and shouted, though continued to whistle at the veela. With a snarl, Ginny leapt up and began to chase them around the top box as the two teams flew out.

"Vat is happen?" one of the Bulgarian players called as they lined up in front of the top box, hovering on their brooms.

Ginny didn't pause, still firing hexes off at her idiot brothers. "Put your robes back on! Honestly. You see one little veela and you go nuts. Men, they have no control, you have to…" Ginny trailed off as she looked up and realized who, exactly, she was talking to. She swallowed. "Er, sorry about that. My brothers are kind of thick, Mr. Krum. Had to get them back in order."

The star seeker raised an eyebrow, then glanced at the rest of the Weasleys, noting they were all in green. He looked back at Ginny, who was in scarlet robes herself. He made a comment to one of his teammates in Bulgarian, who laughed and shook his head, pointing at Ginny and making a remark that made Victor laugh in turn.

Ginny turned bright red. "What are you laughing at?" she demanded, planting her fists on her hips.

"Is nothing. He is just saying something that I am thinking is accurately describing you."

"And, what, exactly, do you think describes me? I'm warning you, I've got an irish jersey in my bag if you turn out to be a disappointment!"

"Ve is say that you are tiny, but fierce."

Ginny blushed, but didn't say anything in reply.

Just then Minister Fudge managed to regain control of himself, despite the veela still dancing below. He and the Bulgarian minister made a short speech each, then the teams flew away, the match starting.

Victor waved at Ginny, calling back as he flew away, "I am hoping I am not a disappointment to you, tiny fierce english vitch."

"It's Ginny!" Ginny shouted, leaning over the edge of the box. "Ginny Weasley! And don't you forget it!"

Turning around, she glared at her twin brothers, who had enormous grins on their faces. "Oh stuff it, you looked far more foolish than I did."

"We didn't say anything Gin-gin."

"Wouldn't dream of it. Sure you don't want us to help you out of your robes?"

"Quite you lot, the match is starting!" their father ordered.

Beside Harry, Luna quietly whispered, "Let the nargle games begin."


	20. Chp 20: The Dark Lord's a What?

_Beta'd by the scrupulous Averant_

 **Chapter 20: The Dark Lords a what?**

The breeze flew Harry's ginger hair dramatically as he swooped down on Luna, and he grinned at her as she swooned at his approach.

"Oh, Luna, you're so beautiful. I think you must have infected me with nargles." Harry's chest bulged with muscles as he flexed, then he reached down from his Firebolt to haul Luna up onto the broom with him. Her rancid breath washed over his face as they kissed, her slobbery kisses and tongue washing over his face and-

Harry's eyes snapped open and he found a large black dog beside his bed, licking his face enthusiastically.

"Ew, stop that," Harry hissed, shoving the dog away and reaching for his glasses. "Sirius, what are you doing here? I thought you were spying on Sleepy the Wonder Turban."

The dog whined and tugged at Harry's shirt collar. "Ugh! Fine, I'm getting up, just keep quiet."

Harry stumbled out of the tent, tugging on his robes. He followed the dog out into the woods, where it turned back into-

"Bloody hell!" Harry swore, drawing his wand and pointing it at the odd looking old man with a peg leg.

"Ha! Gotcha!" the man cackled, his odd fake eye whirling about crazily. "Relax Harry, I'm still your dogfather. I'm just polyjuiced to look like Mad Eye Moody right now."

"Give it up Harry, I told him not to polyjuice himself before he went to get you but he insisted," the weary voice of Professor Lupin said as the ex-teacher stepped out from behind a tree.

"Oh, well, I guess that's OK then." Harry lowered his wand and glanced around, shivering slightly. "But what did you call me out here for?"

"Pranking!" the false Moody said gleefully, rubbing his hands. "We're going to cast the Dark Mark on Voldequirrel's orders. Should be great fun."

"Only you would think putting up the Dark Mark is fun," Lupin muttered.

"Come off it Moony, it's not like we're going to go muggle baiting or anything. We're just to put up the Dark Mark and go about in these robes scaring people a bit. Here, Harry, drink this." Sirius handed Harry a bottle of potion, which smelled very much like wet dog.

"What is this?" Harry demanded, making a face as he examined the vial.

"Polyjuice! Got a bit of my own hair in it. You get to go as me, an internationally renowned ladies man."

"I think I'm a bit more worried about the fact that people also think you're a Death Eater right now," Harry grumbled, but downed the potion all the same. His body contorted a bit, until he was taller than before. He reached up and tugged at his hair. "Ugh, this is too long. You should really get a haircut."

"But the ladies love my silky locks!" Sirius protested.

"Well right now you look like something that a troll picked from between his toes, so I wouldn't put too much stock in that," Harry grumbled.

Lupin sighed and looked up at the dark sky. "Can we just get this over with?"

"Fine, fine," the moody Black said, taking out his wand. He raised it, then paused, looking confused as his magical eye swiveled wildly. "Er. Um, how do you cast a dark mark?"

"Well don't look at me, I'm not an world renowned death eater," Harry said, fighting back a smile.

"And ladies man," Black said absently, rubbing his stubbly chin. "Say, Moony, do you-"

"Look, I'm a werewolf, but I'm not that kind of werewolf. I don't know how to cast a Dark Mark."

"Well who does know how to cast a dark mark?" Black demanded, his magical eye glaring around at everyone.

"Death Eaters?" Harry volunteered.

"Well, obviously, yes, Death Eaters do," Black said, raising his hands over his head and stomping around on his peg leg. "But where are we going to find a Death Eater around here?"

"Well, what about Draco?" Harry asked.

"Harry, Draco is an annoying brat of a boy, but he's only 14, he's not a Death Eater," Lupin lectured.

Harry shrugged. "Well what about his dad? He was a Death Eater, right?"

Harry and Lupin both looked at Sirius, who shrugged. "What do I know? I mean, I'm only pretending to be a Death Eater. I'm not actually one."

"Isn't there like a roster or something you could have taken a peek at?" Harry asked.

"Yes, but I only took it so I could change Snape's name on the role call to Snivellus."

"You are in fact, the worst Death Eater I have ever heard of," Lupin grumbled.

"True, true, but you have in fact, heard of me."

Twenty minutes later, Harry was convulsing in silent giggles.

"What, what's so funny?" Black demanded as he attempted to break into the Malfoy's camping site.

"Its...it's…" Harry gasped, but he could only point to the large, pink letters on the side of the camper that said "Barbie." The whole thing look liked a scaled up child's toy, which in fact was what the exterior had once been. The whole thing was sparkly and shimmered with green glitter the size of dinner plates. It most certainly wouldn't have fooled any muggles into thinking it was an actual recreational vehicle, but the obvious plastic casting readily fools wizards into thinking it was a muggle thing.

"Here, I've got it! Now, Harry, you go in. And remember, I always call her Cissy, him Lucy, and the boy boy because I can never remember his name," Sirius ordered.

Harry and Lupin stepped inside to find the inside of a full chateau, complete with a roaring fireplace and comfortable furnishings. As soon as they crossed the threshold Harry felt a pop as alarm wards went off. In a flash Lucius Malfoy appeared in a frilly pink robe that perfectly matched the exterior of the camper. "What, who- YOU!"

"Hello Lucy," Harry said, waving brightly. "Up for some muggle baiting?"

"Lucius what is-" a woman in an equally pink and frilly nightgown marched through the door. Figuring this had to be Mrs. Malfoy, Harry waved.

"'Lo cousin Cissy! I'm here to collect your husband for a night of Death Eater activities."

"But you're not a really a Death Eater!" Lucius protested. "That was just a lie, it had to be. You were never at any meetings."

"That's because I was a super ultra secret Death Eater who only ever did the direct bidding of good old Sleepy," Harry declared, striking a pose.

"Who?" Lucius demanded.

"He means Voldemort!" Lupin barked. "It's a pet name. They're on very good terms, you know."

"Voldemort is a poof and you're his man?" Narcissa Malfoy demanded.

Deciding this was a most excellent prank, Harry vigorously nodded his head, causing Black's hair to dance about. "Yes, absolutely. Only don't tell anyone, it's a secret."

The Malfoys exchanged a look. "You know what, I think Nott, McNair, and Goyle are around. Let's get all the boys together and make a real night of it," Lucius declared.

Soon, three Death Eaters, Harry, and Lupin were all outside of the pink camper, slipping on dark robes and white masks.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Harry whispered to Lupin as he took another drink of polyjuice before slipping on his mask.

"Of course this isn't a good idea, it was Padfoots," Lupin growled.

"Well, let's get started then," Lucius growled behind his mask. Everyone turned and looked at Harry, who could only stare back. "What?"

"You know, get us started with the Dark Mark," the elder Goyle said.

"Oh, well, thought I'd let one of you do it this time," Harry answered.

"But the leader always does the Dark Mark," Nott the greater protested.

"Well, I'm the leader, and this time I say that Lucy does it," Harry snapped.

"Fine, let's just get this over with," Lucius growled. He lifted up his wand to the sky and shouted, " _Morsmordre_!" A green skull with a snake slithering out of it appeared in the sky.

Harry nodded and clapped his hands. "Well, that was fun."

"Now to the muggle baiting!" McNair cheered, and hurried off.

"Did he say muggle baiting?" Harry asked, now getting really worried.

"Of course! Wouldn't be a proper Death Eater get together without some muggle baiting!" Goyle explained, hurrying after Nott.

"Well, at least there aren't any muggles around here for them to torment," Lupin sighed as he and Harry stared after the rapidly retreating Death Eaters.

Harry suddenly started. "Uncle Vernon and Dudley! They're here, and they're muggles!'

"What? Why are-"

"No time to explain, come on!"

Harry and Lupin sprinted after the Death Eaters, who ran straight past the tent Uncle Vernon had set up, and out to the campground entrance.

"But where are they going?" Harry panted.

"Of course! The muggle family that owns this place!" Lupin gasped. "Oh Merlin, we're-"

"Pst, oi, you two, what are you after?" Sirius, still looking like Mad-Eye Moody, hissed at them from behind a tree.

"We're going muggle baiting," Harry blurted.

Sirius frowned, looking positively terrifying with Moody's face. "What? But you're only supposed to be pretending to be Death Eaters!"

"Yeah, but now that we got a group of Death Eaters together they want to go muggle baiting!" From ahead, Harry winced as he heard howls and screams as the Death Eaters began their sadistic games.

Sirius swore softly for a moment. "Right, well, I'm going to go get some help. You keep them from doing anything too dreadful, alright?"

Harry swallowed and nodded, and once more he and Lupin ran forward. "Professor, what are we going to do?"

"I don't know, but I'm not about to be party to anything really awful. We may have to blow our cover."

They hurried forward and found the muggles screaming in terror as the Death Eaters cackled and levitated them.

"Stop!" Harry shouted, raising his wand.

All the others turned toward him. One of them, Harry was pretty sure it was Goyle, titled his head to one side. "Whatever for."

"Because, um, I'm the head Death Eater. And since I'm Voldemort's very special friend, I should be the one who gets to start the fun. Voldypoo told me he would want it that way."

"Sweet Merlin, you weren't lying Lucius. You mean the Dark Lord really is a poof?" Macnair muttered.

"Shut up you idiot, Black still dangerous and if the Dark Lord catches you saying that he'll hex you to pieces!" Lucius hissed. "Er, right, of course Mr. Black. We'll just let these muggles down and you can start."

The muggles were dumped in a sobbing heap, and Harry swallowed, trying to think of what to do. "Hey, Prof-er, I mean, Moony, is it close to the full moon?"

"Yes, it is," Lupin confirmed, stepping forward. He lifted his head back and howled, and when he lowered it his nails were long and jagged and his hands had become hairy while his eyes glowed behind the mask.

"Ooo, nice, a werewolf!" Macnair cheered. "Haven't got to kill me one of those in a while. Er, not that I would kill your friend here Black. He's not your special friend too is he?"

Harry said "yes" at the same time that Lupin shrieked "no!"

"Well which is it then?" Goyle demanded. "I want, er I mean, my wife would want to know."

"We're childhood friends," Lupin snarled, glaring at Harry from behind his mask. "Not that kind of friends."

"I've tried," Harry confided to Goyle. "But you know how it is. Wouldn't be very sanitary and all. Him being a werewolf."

"I quite understand," Nott agreed. "The talks I've had to have with my son…."

"Theo's a werewolf?" Goyle demanded.

"What? No, no, but you see, there was someone he was interested in that was a werewolf, muggle too you know, and-"

"This is a very interesting and all but can we please get back to the reason we're here?" Lucius demanded. "Are you going to have the werewolf maul them or not?"

"Not," Harry said quickly.

"Oh goody, my turn then!" Nott said, stepping forward and conjuring a rope.

"I don't think that's what me meant John," Macnair said, putting a hand on the other Death Eater's robes. "I think he meant 'no' instead of 'Nott.'"

"Well what did you mean, Black?" Nott demanded, turning toward Harry.

"Um, I meant you, Nott," Harry said. "Not the other kind of knot. I don't even have any rope."

"I like to use the rope sometimes though," Nott explained, holding up the length.. "Good for a bit of fun."

The muggles flinched and the children clung to their parents as the masked man advanced.

"You mean that Nott's not to put them in knots?" Goyle asked, causing Nott to pause.

Harry shook his head. "No, Nott's knots are all right, I'm not going to stop Nott from having a naughty time with the muggles."

Lupin let out an audible groan. "You are just too good at this. 'Black.'"

"What? He hasn't even done anything yet!" Macnair protested. "And why'd you say his name all funny like that?"

The muggles looked back and forth as the Death Eaters continued to argue, completely baffled as to just what was going on.

"I didn't say his name funny," Lupin said, crossing his arms. "His snookums wouldn't like it."

Nott paused again just as he'd been about to hex the muggles. "The Dark Lord really calls Black snookums?"

"It's a private thing that Moony here shouldn't be sharing," Harry declared, flicking back his silky hair as he struck a flamboyant pose. "Don't let the Dark Lord hear it, he'd probably kill you."

Before the nonsense could continue any further, a bright light filled the clearing and with a mighty shout a band of gingers ran forward, followed by a hobbling old man who was guzzling potion.

"Stop right there!" Hermione ordered, raising her wand. "Or I'll hex you, I will you just wait."

"In the name of the Ministry and my boss, Mr. Crouch, I order you to cease and desist at once!" Percy growled.

"Do any of you have anything to say for yourselves?" Penelope demanded. "Especially if it's quotable."

"Oh no, Hermione Weasley!" Harry cried. "We've got to get away at once! Quickly my minions, we must flee!"

"Bollocks, it's Mad Eye Moody and the Girl-Who-Fought-Monsters!" Lupin shrieked in a terribly put upon falsetto. "We're no match for the likes of them."

The other Death Eaters turned half way and Harry could have sworn they were frowning at him despite the masks. "Are you serious?" Macnair demanded. "It's a washed up old coot and a bunch of kids. We can handle this."

Just then a spell flew out of the darkness and slammed into Macnair, dropping him.

"Oi, but can you wankers handle a real Auror Trainee?" a woman in a green nightie jumped into the light, her pink hair whipping in the breeze.

"Yes!" Malfoy snarled, raising his wand.

Lupin grabbed it. "Don't be an idiot, if the Aurors are here we're through. The Dark Lord just wanted to remind everyone of his power. We've done that, now we have to go!"

"Have I mentioned that I am terrified of gingers? Because I totally am," Harry added. "Quick, everyone run!'

"But we're wizards, why don't we just apparate?" Nott asked as he dragged Macnair back.

"Oh, um, right. You lot do that. I'll hold them off," Harry said.

The other Death Eaters vanished, leaving Lupin and Harry standing over the now utterly baffled muggles. Harry quickly took off his mask. "It's alright everyone, it's me I'm-"

The spell took Harry straight in his teeth, knocking him flat out.

A short time later, Harry struggled back to consciousness. He found himself laying flat on his back, next to a groggy Lupin and the woman from before, though she was now unconscious herself.

"Who hexed me?" Harry demanded, sitting up. "Was that you Fred?"

"Nope, not me," George answered.

"I said Fred, not you!"

"Wasn't me either, sorry Barry!'

"Well then who was it?"

"Tonks did it," Black said, waving at Harry. He was back in his original form, which made things extra confusing because Harry wasn't. "Seems she got a little overzealous."

Harry groaned and got up, glancing down at the unconscious woman. "Who is she?"

"My cousin," Sirius explained. "She's an auror trainee. Graduates in a few weeks I think. She must have been here for the cup. It's a bloody miracle she was up and realized what was going on, even more so that she managed to hex you and whichever prat that was."

"Well what do we do with her now?" Lupin demanded, kneeling over the woman and checking her over with his wand. "We can't just leave her here."

"She saw Black's potion wear off," Hermione said, biting her lip. "I don't know if it would be safe to just turn her loose."

"We could obliviate her," Penelope suggested.

"Is anyone any good at memory charms?" Lupin asked.

"I am!" Black said, standing up and raising his wand.

Lupin glared at him, his eyes shining in the starlight. "No, you're not. You're terrible at memory charms. Don't you remember what happened when you tried to obliviate Snape back in seventh year?"

"No, I can't say I do," Black admitted.

"That's the problem, Padfoot! You didn't obliviate him, you obviated yourself!"

"Oh. Well, what about you Moony?"

Lupin shook his head. "I'm not very good. If it was just a Death Eater I'd be OK, but I might botch something and she'd get suspicious. And before you say anything, I'm not having one of these kids try anything. Percy and Penny just graduated and memory charms are delicate work. The only other one I might trust is Hermione, and frankly she doesn't have the experience."

"What about mum or dad?" Ginny suggested. "We could go get them, they're still sleeping."

"We'd have to do a memory charm on THEM because they'd want to know why Harry was pretending to be a Death Eater!" Ron snapped.

"Hey, I'm going back!" Harry cried, as his form shifted, distracting everyone for a moment.

Just then, Lupin swore and began to wrestle Tonks.

"Gerrof me! I'll fight the lot of you! You got me last time, that was a dirty trick, but I'm constantly vigilant!"

"Bloody hell you didn't say she was a metamorphmagus!" Lupin panted as he continued to struggle with Tonks. "They're almost impossible to wrestle!"

"Stupify!" Black said gleefully, and both Tonks and Lupin slumped to the ground. Black walked over, checking both of his victims. "Oh, how cute, it looks like they're kissing! This will be excellent blackmail material later. Anyone got a camera?"

"I've got this," Luna said, holding up her omnioculars.

"Brilliant! Let me get a shot here, ah, got it, thanks. Mind if I hold on to this for a bit? Thanks. Well, I think it's best if I just take these two off to bed. You lot head back to bed as well, and I'll see you at school!"

"You will?" Harry asked.

"Of course! I'm going to be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts. Disguised as Mad Eye Moody, of course," Black explained.

"Brilliant!" shouted the twins.

The noise seemed to attract attention, as the sound of shouts and crashing in the bush could be heard.

"Woops, gotta go, bye!" Black and his two unconscious passengers vanished with a pop.

No sooner than they were gone then Mr. and Mrs. Weasley appeared, flanked by a reporter and cameraman.

"There you are!" dad panted. "What are you doing out of bed? There was a Death Eater attack!"

"Oh we decided to track down Sirius Black and defeat him again," Fred said casually.

"All in a days work for Hermione of course," George agreed.

"YOU WHAT!?" their mother shrieked, but she was elbowed aside as the camera flashed the the reporter hurried forward to begin his interview of the blushing Hermione.

Back in the "Super Secret Lair" also known as Grimmauld Place, Sirius was happily confiscating wands as he tied up Tonks. There was a pop, and the world's ugliest house elf appeared.

"Oh great and wonderful master, do you need any help with tying up the prisoner?" Kreature the house elf asked.

"Oh, no thank you Kreature. Just back from a spot of muggle baiting you know. Had to take an Auror captive, but you know, that's not too much for me, the greatest Death Eater alive."

"Oh, mistress will be pleased, so pleased," Kreature sighed, rubbing his hands eagerly. "Would master like me to set up the dungeon?"

"Oh, yeah, sure, but we're trying a new torture technique on this one. It was, um, pioneered by the great Dark Wizard Marrik Maidupicus. It should induce Stockholm Syndrome in our victim and force her to come over to our side. It's very dark magic though, so don't you dare tell anyone. Not even Voldy if he tries to swing by again."

"Oh yes Master, Kreature is ever so happy to help with new torture techniques. What must Kreature do?"

"Well, see, you add this special powder," Sirius said, pulling a shaker full of seasoning salt out of his jacket. "To all her meals. Just a bit mind, not too much. Make sure they're really nice so she eats them all. Then you make her comfortable, and the powder will work a sinister dark magic that will turn her to our side. Oh, and chant the spell 'higgildy piggildy pop' whenever you cook for her. Make sure you don't do that for my meals or Mooney's meals mind."

"Yes master, at once Master!" Kreature said, and scampered off to the kitchen, where he immediately began banging pots and pans as he began to cook.

"At least he's cleaned the bloody place well enough he won't accidentally poison anyone," Sirius muttered. "Could have kept the place clean while I was gone, but it's not so bad now at least. Come on Remus, get up. _Enervate_!"

Lupin gasped and his eyes popped open. "You hexed us!"

"Sorry, you were too close together. Come on, help me my ugly cousin down to the dungeon. We'll get it set up proper for her. Oh, don't look at me like that, we'll transfigure a rack into a nice feather bed and they're pretty clean after Kreature got through with them."

"She's not ugly," Remus grumbled as they hauled the unconscious Tonks down the stairs.

"Oooo, does Mooney fancy my cousin does he?"

"No, it's just that I couldn't find any flaws with the rest of your argument, and so I picked at that because I'm still miffed at you."

"Sounds like you're blustering. That means you do fancy her!"

"You are so immature."

"Ha! You didn't say no, that means you do fancy her! Sweet merlin are you actually blushing, Remus?"

"No, I'm flushed because you're hacking me off and I'm knackered from running about the woods all night trying to keep those idiots from actually managing to torture muggles!"

"Moony and Tonks, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G."

"If I wasn't worried this poor girl had suffered enough, I'd drop her right here and kill you."

"You can't do that, I'm the super secret spy! And you're my minion, minions don't kill their masters. Oh don't growl like that, it makes you sound silly."

 _Authors Note:_

 _New ship approaching! It's the SS Blackmort! I would say this is an original idea, but I'm pretty sure someone has actually wrote this before. They were also probably Sirius, unlike me._

 _Also, I lied about no more Marauder puns. Sorry not sorry._


	21. Chp 21: Something Completely Different

**Chapter 21: And now for something Completely Different**

The room was lit by a flickering red light as a Veela danced and sang in the corner, the tune a haunting melody as she gyrated slowly. The floor was filled with dust and sand, and the grimy and worn upholstery of the seats matched the equally tattered patrons. Sullen men and woman nursed glasses of alcohol, most of them ignoring the Veela, who looked more exhausted than titillating at the moment. The air was filled with a haze of smoke from hasheesh and tobacco. The bartender was a rough looking djinn, who had a large sword strapped to his back that gleamed dully in the light.

In the corner, a man with a dark eyepatch hunched over his drink which he nursed while glaring around the room with his good eye. He'd positioned himself so that he could see the entire bar area as well as both the entrance and exit. His eye never stayed still for long, roaming around the room as his the fingers of his right hand stroked his wand handle. Alastor Moody was starting to somewhat enjoy his retirement. He'd been at this particular dive for three nights running though, and he'd already picked fights with the most likely suspects, leaving them tied up for the local aurors to take in for the dark artefacts they'd had on them. He was starting to think this particular watering hole was played out. Maybe he should think of venturing out to the Blackwater Oasis and having a go at the nundu that was rumored to haunt the place.

Suddenly, the door burst open, letting in a blast of hot air. Despite the fact that the sun had set, the Moroccan desert was always hot in summer, no matter the time of day. Moody glared at the stranger standing silhouetted in the doorway, his cloak billowing dramatically about him. The patrons all turned toward the man as the veela singer fell silent. The newcomer stepped forward, twirling his blond mustache as he swept off his hat and bowed. "Good evening ladies, gentlemen, and unnatural abominations. Tell me, have any of you wicked lot heard tell of a nundu in these parts recently?"

"And who the hell are you?" someone called.

The man flourished his cape, grinning roguishly. "Why it is none other than I, Gilderoy Lockhart, Monster Hunter Extraordinaire!"

A hush fell over the bar, and several patrons began to sweat nervously at the presence of the renowned gentleman adventurer and vanquisher of evil.

"You mean, you're here to see to that nundu that's out at the Blackwater Oasis and been terrorising the local villages lately?" someone called.

Lockhart flashed a grin, showing off his pearly white teeth. "Indeed I am! However, I am in need of a guide. And of course, perhaps a few good wands who would be willing to aide me in my latest heroic conquest? I'll be willing to pay, of course."

The bar fell silent. Moody picked up his glass and downed the last of his drink, then stood. "You're a bloody fraud, Lockhart. I've investigated your books, and half of what you claim to have done is bloody impossible! The other half has such a horrifically inconsistent timeline even a snot nosed firstie at Hogwarts could tell you were lying."

There was a collective gasp from the rest of bar.

Lockhart's eyes narrowed as he studied Moody. "Bold claims to make, stranger. I have given you my name. What, pray tell, is yours?"

"Nonya," Moody growled.

Lockhart rolled his eyes. "Oh, very clever. I suppose that is short for Nonya Buisness?"

"Ha! Guess you're not a complete idiot. Now clear off you wanker, and let a real professional handle the nundu."

"Well, if you make such bold claims, I demand to know your name sir."

"Why, so you can lie and take the credit for my deed?" Moody snarled

Lockhart drew his wand. "No, so that I know what to tell the gravedigger to carve upon your epitaph."

Moody fired first, letting loose with a barrage of bludgeoning hexes and stunners as he erected a shield and transfigured the table into a barrier he could fire through. The rest of the bar patrons dove out of the way and hid under the tables as Lockhart's shield sprang to life. Moody's spells shattered chairs and tables and sent shards of wood and stone flying through the air as they bounced off the barrier. Lockhart conjured up a dozen swords, and sent them slicing through the air at Moody's barrier.

"Not bad, boy, but you have to get up early in the morning to get the drop on me!" Moody waved his wand, and glasses and plates zoomed towards the swords, battering them aside. However, the swords proved to be just a diversion as Lockhart apparated behind Moody and let loose with a stream of stunners and binding curses.

Moody dropped to the floor, which he turned into a pit. He set the dusty stone floor to turn into a thick tar, causing Lockhart to swear as he was plunged into it.

"You oaf! This is cashmere and silk! It never cleans properly, even if I had a house elf handy!" Lockhart plunged his wand into the tar, which animated into a blob like monster and hurled itself towards Moody. The old auror rolled out of the way, sending blue flame at the tar beast and igniting it, then banishing it back towards Lockhart.

Lockhart parted the flaming tar, using his free hand to make a complicated gesture. He siphoned the fire off into his empty hand, then crafted a flaming javelin which he hurled back at Moody, who deflected it towards the bar where it burst apart into a cascade of sparks.

Coming up from the cellar, the bartender dropped the keg he'd retrieved."No fighting in bar!" The djinn roared as the sparks fell onto him. He drew his sword and rushed forward, conjuring a ball of flame in his off hand which he threw at Lockhart as he attempted to skewer Moody.

Moody sprang to his feet, conjuring up a war axe, which he wielded one handed as he crossed blades with the bartender. He grunted as the bartender pushed him back. Moody's footing was unstable with only one good leg, and he wasn't as young or as strong as he used to be. He tried to hex the djinn, but the fire spirit absorbed the magic with little to no effect. Moody spun away, putting the djinn between himself and Lockhart, hoping that his two foes would take care of each other.

However, Lockhart had blocked the flame with an opaque shield, and was lost to view. Moody swore, and focused on fighting his new foe. They danced back and forth for several seconds with a furious rain of blows. Moody was forced to holster his wand to wield the axe two handed, but never the less he became winded quickly.

"Foolish mortal! You are no match! You should have not fought in my bar!" the djinn growled. "I do not care if you fight after you leave, but in my bar, no fighting!" With a heave the djinn smacked away Moody's axe, then kicked him in the groin.

With a groan, the old wizard fell to the ground as the djinn raised his axe for the killing blow.

"-and with the key of Solomon, I bind thee!" Lockhart's voice cried as his shield vanished and he reappeared, extending a brass ring on the tip of his wand as his other hand made a gesture reminiscent of a keyhole.

The djinn let out a howl of anguish, struggling to resist the magical bindings that flew toward him from the ring. Despite his efforts, he was was sucked backward into the ring. Fiery red arabic letters glowed upon its surface for a moment before going dull. The ring clattered to the floor, where it spun for a moment, then lay still. Lockhart sprang forward to stand over Moody, who glanced at his axe. It lay just out of reach.

Instead of finishing him though, Lockhart extended a hand. "You fight well, for an old man."

Moody took the hand, groaning as he stood and his joints popped. "Guess I was wrong, you're obviously no fraud. You're not half bad, for an upstart kid."

The two wizards paused, glancing around the bar. Frightened patrons peered out from their hiding places, and a few beat hasty retreats out of windows or doors. The entire place was demolished, with broken glass and spilled drinks littering the floor.

"Well, I don't suppose any of you lot would be interested in being our guide?" Lockhart asked, looking to the few remaining patrons. They all wordlessly ran, not even stopping to loot the now untended bar. Shrugging, the monster hunter stepped over and picked up the ring, pocketing it in his waistcoat.

The bar was now empty, save only for the two wizards and the Veela singer. She stepped forward now, her raven hair and dusky skin unmarred by the dust filling the air. "I would be your guide," she said, her voice low and husky. "I am Nareh. My coven was driven from the oasis by the nundu. Many of my sisters died to its toxic breath. I would show you the way, though I cannot promise that we shall triumph. Even wizards as mighty as yourselves have fallen before such a beast. In times past, it has taken a hundred of my sisters to subdue a nundu."

Lockhart waggled his eyebrows roguishly. "Ah, but never before has a nundu faced Gilderoy Lockhart. And with companions such as this stout old man and a beauty such as yourself, the creature stands no chance."

"Full of yourself, aren't you?" Moody growled. He stomped over to the bar and poured himself a drink, then nodded to Nareh. "What are you having, love? Be a shame to go to our deaths without a last drink."

Nareh glided over and took a seat on a bar stool that only had half its upholstery burned away. "You do not think highly of our chances? Do you not intend to go?"

"Oh, I'm going alright. I'm old, retired, and bored. Be a good way to go, fighting a nundu. Not a bad end for a crusty old geezer like me."

"A good answer. I would have vodka, on the rocks."

Lockhart waved his wand, restoring Nareh's seat and transfiguring an elegant gilded chair for himself. "I'll have gin and tonic, old bean."

"Get it yourself, you popinjay. I pour for the lady only." Moody poured himself out a tumbler of whisky, then scooted it aside and drank straight from the bottle.

Lockhart laughed, waving his hand so that two bottles flew forward, and poured themselves into a glass before the monster hunter. He raised his glass. "To our fellowship! May our battles be glorious and our fans adoring!"

Moody and Nareh raised their glasses as well. They drank in silence for a few minutes, until Nareh frowned at Moody. "You have not told us your name?"

"Nope."

Lockhart chuckled. "Got secrets, have you?"

"Can never be too careful. Call me Constance Vigil."

Nareh smiled into her drink. "Well, Constance Vigl, if that is your name, what brings you to Morocco? You said you were retired?"

"I am. Had to get out of Britain for a bit. Figured this was as good a place as any."

Nareh nodded, then eyed Lockhart appraisingly. "I suppose there is no need to ask why you are here, Mr. Lockhart."

"Indeed not! I should hope my reputation precedes me. I heard the siren call of adventure, and I could do not but answer." Polishing off his drink, Lockhart smacked his lips. "Capital! Now, my friends, I suggest we get some rest. We leave at first light."

The sun rose upon three travelers riding out into the desert upon a magic carpet. Moody grumbled that such things were not proper, but Lockhart had only laughed and told him, "When in Rome, my good fellow, when in Rome!"

Nareh was silent, her eyes focused on the distant sunrise as they flew across the low rocky hills.

"So, we headed in the right direction?" Moody growled. "Might want to let the lady steer, 's the one who knows where we're going."

"Hmm? Oh, of course, of course. Gilderoy Lockhart does not mind an assertive woman, especially if she's as adventurous as you appear to be, my lovely Nareh."

With quiet expertise, Nareh took control of the carpet, guiding it deep into the desert. They flew for hours, keeping low to the ground and having to skirt a few muggle settlements and roads. Finally, in the distance they could see a shimmer of water and a hint of green. Nareh landed the broom behind a large rocky craig.

"The beast's lair is near the oasis, but its exact location I am unsure of," Nareh said in a low voice as Lockhart rolled up the carpet and shrank it for storage. "We must proceed cautiously."

"Constant Vigilance!" Moody growled, causing his companions to eye him skeptically. "It's the only way to survive."

"So your name is also your matra? Interesting," Lockhart mused. "I heard tell of a similar motto of an old Auror back in England."

"If you know what's good for you you'll forget all about that," Moody said, fixing Lockhart with a baleful gaze.

Raising his hands in surrender, Lockhart motioned onward. "Your secrets are your own, my irascible companion. For now, let us focus upon our quest. The nundu is a ferocious beast. Here, put these on."

Lockhart passed out respirators with attached oxygen tanks, along with goggles. "Muggle inventions. Don't turn them on just yet, but here is how you do it. When we find the nundu, this will allow us to breath. The goggles will keep our eyes from watering from the beasts poison. For now, however, our greatest foe is the merciless sun. I take it your water skins are full?"

"Do not worry about me, for I am veela. We are of the wind and fire. The sun is our ally. I only pray we encounter our foe during the daylight, for I shall be stronger then. It struck before at night, when my sisters were sleeping and weak. It slaughtered our mates and children. I would have vengeance, but I am no fool. We must not throw our lives away."

Moody raised the hood of his robe and took a swig from his hip flask. "This isn't my first campaign pup. Just watch your back, and keep a weather eye out."

Together, the three adventurers began to creep towards the oasis, weapons at the ready. Moody once more had his axe and wand out, while Lockhart carried an odd looking device that appeared to be a sort of crossbow with vials of potion ready to be launched on a bandoleer. Nareh carried two long curved knives, the blades glittering in the sunlight.

They reached a dune top that looked out over the Blackwater Oasis, and all three dropped to their bellies and crawled forward, examining the placid waters as the light breeze ruffled the palm fronds. For long minutes, they scanned the oasis for any sign, until Moody grunted and pointed with the haft of his axe. "There, you see? That mud hole along the eastern bank. Those look like nundu tracks. It must come there to roll in the mud and cool off."

Pulling out a set of omnioculars, Lockhart examined the mudhole. "Hmm, yes, the tracks appear to be recent too. I'd estimate they're a few hours old."

"Probably just before sunrise," Nareh said in a low voice. "They're mostly active at night. It probably stays near the oasis. It's the only water for miles; its prey would have to come to it."

"Where must it spend the days though," Lockhart mused, panning his omnioculars around. "Are there caves nearby?"

"No, but I would not be surprised if it laired in the remains of our coven, over there. You can see the remains of our mudbrick houses."

"Be bloody stupid of us to go poking about in there without a good idea of exactly where the beastie was first," Moody muttered. "Good place for an ambush."

Lockhart snapped shut the omnioculars and nodded. "Indeed. We should observe from here. For now, at least, we are downwind. When the beast comes out for the night, we can track it back to its lair and confront it at our leisure."

The day was long, hot, and dusty. Each of the travelers nursed their food and drink, taking turns sliding down to the shaded flank of the dune to get out of the worse of the blistering sun. Moody spent his turn in the shade napping, having long ago picked up the trick of sleeping anywhere at any time during the three wars he'd fought in over his lifetime.

At last, the sun began to sink beneath the horizon, and shadows stretched out long over the landscape. All three hunters crouched low at the top of the hill, beneath some camouflage netting Lockhart had strung out over the top of the dune. Frogs and toads struck up a chorus, filling the cooling air with their songs.

"Here, smear this on your face and under your arms," Nareh said, handing Moody a vial of something foul smelling.

He made a face. "Bah, what is this?"

"Nundu dung essence. Even if the wind shifts, it will hide our presence," Nareh explained.

"You're certain this isn't from a rival nundu? They're fiercely territorial you know," Lockhart said, sniffing his own vial.

"It is from the beast that attacked my village. It is safe."

Moody grunted, and smeared some of the foul concoction on. It wouldn't be the first time he had to put on something smelly when tracking his prey. Werewolves had sensitive noses as well, and if one smelled like a human they'd twig to your presence in a heartbeat.

The sun finally set, and Moody found himself missing his magical eye more than ever. It could see well in the dark, as well as having heat sensing and magical sensing properties. He had to make do with some nightvision charms he learned.

"Could you do those for me?" Nareh asked. "Veela are nearly blind in the dark. We are creatures of the day, and nearly helpless at night."

"Can't say they'll work well on you lass, but I'll try." Moody did the charms for Nareh, who smiled at him, her white teeth flashing in the darkness.

"Thank you, that is a little better at least. I'm am surprised; you are very accepting of me for an Englishman."

"As long as you're not a dark wizard, I don't give a damn what your blood status is," Moody said. "Some of my best friends were a half giant and an old werewolf."

"Silence. Use your ears. You cannot hear when you talk," Lockhart hissed.

Moody could have kicked himself. Here he was, chatting up a pretty bird instead of being constantly vigilant. Like a snot nosed recruit he was. Worse than that Tonks girl, she had never shut up at first. Moody absently wondered how his old trainee was doing. She was a nice enough girl, if a bit of a motor mouth. Dead useful being a metamorphmagus too.

About two hours after sunset, Moody heard movement to the west of the dune. A troop of barbary apes were making their way towards the oasis. The animals were tense, stopping frequently to stand on their hind legs and sniff the air. More than once, they looked to the dune top occupied by the hunters, chattering softly amongst themselves. At last, one brave ape hurried forward, using its hands to scoop up water quickly, before scampering up a date palm. The others apes observed its progress, and seeing it was unaccosted, they quickly moved forward and began to drink themselves.

Moody did not focus on the apes, instead looking towards the ruins of the veela village. There. He saw movement, a large, dark shape slinking around the edge of the oasis towards where the apes were drinking and collecting dates and palm nuts. It was hard to track in the shadows as the thing moved from cover to cover like lightning, at times even Moody lost sight of it as it seemed to split into fragments only to reform.

"Oh bugger," Lockhart muttered. "That's not one nundu."

The attack fell upon its victims like a meteor from on high. A single great shadow sprang forth, splitting into three parts that spewed poison and raked their victims with sharp claws. The apes howled in panic, but many fell dead from the toxic breath of the nundu and their sharp claws.

"By the prophet," Nareh swore. "A mother and her cubs."

As the toxic gas cleared and the last of the apes fled, Moody clearly saw one massive nundu feeding, alongside two slightly smaller beasts. "Twins," he grunted. "Yearlings by the look of it. No wonder your village fell. Even young nundu are dangerous in the extreme."

"It is hopeless," Nareh moaned softly. "It is three on three. We can never hope to triumph."

"Have faith, my dear. They have only evened the odds. For Gilderoy Lockhart is more than a match for any nundu born."

"I just hope you're half as good as you think you are," Moody muttered.

"Please, am I not the man who slew the Serpent of Slytherin, the Supreme Danger Noodle, and dueled the Girl-Who-Fought-Monsters herself?"

"That was an overblown media circus. Granger's a kid, and while a basilisk is dangerous, I heard you'd have been dead if it wasn't for the Weasley brood helping you."

"Ah, but I did prevail, did I not?"

They watched the nundus feed in silence. Once they had gorged themselves on the apes, the pride drank long and deeply from the oasis, before wallowing playfully in the mud. The creatures were cat-like, with spots like a leopard. However, their toxic breath came from a swollen throat pouch that made them look a bit like male lions, despite the fact that Moody knew at least the largest was female. Their tales were also barbed, as with their cousins the manticores. They could also blend into the rocks and sand like a terrestrial octopus, and their magic made it hard for the eye to follow them easily for long. However, it was the beast's' massive size that made them most impressive. The youngsters were the size of a black rhinoceros, while the adult female was as big as an indian elephant, though far more lithe.

As dawn neared, the beasts collected their kills and dragged them back to the village, leaving trails of dust and blood.

"That's our ticket in," Moody growled, getting ready to move forward.

Lockhart stopped him. "Wait. The nundu will be active for some hours yet. They will most assuredly fall asleep about midmorning. That is the time to strike, when they will be the most vulnerable."

Moody grunted and nodded, acceding to what was obviously Lockhart's area of expertise. The time seemed to inch forward as slowly as the sun, the burning orb creeping up the sky. Finally, Lockhart nodded, rising to a low crouch and leading the party down the lee side of the dune towards the oasis. They kept to cover, hurrying between rocks and patches of greenery, careful to avoid making any undue sound. Moody kept his axe and wand at the ready, his eye shifting around on the constant look for danger. They found the blood trail easily enough, the winds of the desert not quite having obscured it yet.

Together, the trio of hunters stalking into the ruined veela coven. The air was rank, the scent of poison and decay heavy on the air. Lockhart had them engage their respirators, and Moody breathed a bit easier. The blood trail led to the ruins of what at one point had been the veela's mosque, its ruined minarets reaching to the sky like bared fangs. In the side of the mosque was a large hole that revealed a hidden basement beneath, where a miasmic fog obscured vision.

Without speaking, Lockhart indicated where Moody and Nareh should take up positions. Once everyone was in place, Lockhart racked back his crossbow launcher and began to fire vials of potion into the hole. As soon as the potions struck, they exploded, releasing an frigid blast that froze the poison in the air and created a thick sheen of blue ice. Not long after the first vial struck, a ferocious yowl echoed through the ruined village, and Moody readied his axe as Nareh conjured balls of flame on the tips of her knives.

The first beast to bound out of the pit was one of the younger nundus. Its coat was slick with frost, and its eyes blazed with anger as it spewed venom with a mighty roar. Lockhart had to dodge out of the way of the creature's claws, but as he did so Moody let loose several blasting curses with his wand even as Nareh began to fling fireballs. The blasting curses shattered the ice and the fire turned it to steam, scalding the creature. It roared in pain, and Lockhart fired a vial of potion right into the creature's mouth. A look of surprise crossed the beast's face for a moment, before its frill suddenly swelled as blood and bile spewed from it's mouth. Icey spikes protruded from the frill, and the creature fell over, stone dead.

However, as they had fought, the second younger nundu had snuck around behind the party. It now spewed forth poison as it roared and sprang at Nareh. She whirled, her knives defecting the beast's talons as the veela shrieked her rage. She changed, becoming bird like, with wings and feathers lit with ghostly flames. The heat drove back the nundu for a moment, and Moody struck his axe biting into the nundu's flank. Virulent green ichor poured from the wound, and the old auror swore and dodged back as the acidic fluid scoured the very stone upon which he had been standing.

The nundu whirled, roaring and swiping at Moody with its long claws. They caught him in the chest, hurling Moody back against a ruined brick wall. He felt a rib crack, and gasped in pain. His axe clattered to the ground, but he kept his wand and conjured a shield which repelled the creature, its claws skittering off the glowing barrier. Nareh took this chance to strike, her knives wreathed in flame as she plunged them deep into the wound that Moody had already inflicted. As soon as she struck, she withdrew, firing a blast of flame and leaping into the air, taking wing and raining fireballs down from on high.

The nundu roared in pain, staggering from its wounds. Despite this, it leapt high into the air, it's jaws catching hold of one of Nareh's taloned feet, and dragging the wailing veela down to eart. Moody cast a cushioning charm, saving his companion. He took up his fallen axe, and buried it deep into the back of the nundu along its spin. The creature spasmed, its spinal cord severed. However, it's back leg once more caught Moody and raked his arm, the poisoned talons leaving burning red wounds. From below, Nareh struck upwards with the last of her strength, her twin blades finding the liver of the creature. Mortally wounded, the nundu spasmed again and again, spewing poison and roaring in anguish. Moody extracted his friend, and they hobbled away.

During their battle, Lockhart had not been idle. The adult nundu, initially trapped in ice, had broken free. It now battled the renowned monster hunter, fang and claw against wand and vial. Ice slicked the ruined village square, and Lockhart continued to keep his distance, throwing hexes and potions as the nundu scrambled across the slick terrain. The creature saw the last of its children's death throes, and became enraged. Leaping high into the air, the creature came down on Lockhart's position. Dropping his empty bandoleer, the hunter vanished with a crack, appearing some distance away. He hurled a bolt of lightning at his former position, and the vials of potion exploded. The nundu howled, one leg trapped in the ice. It snapped it's tail out, which caught Lockhart's wand arm, breaking both the limb and weapon.

Lockhart screamed in pain as the venom entered his bloodstream, but managed to dodge away before the tail could strike again. Moody tried to hex the creature, but he was too weak, his own wounds slurring his words as the poison burned like fire in his mind. Nareh tried to launch fireballs, but the elder beast's hide was simply too thick: they splashed against it no more effective than spitwads.

With a grunt of pain, Lockhart took the brass ring from his off hand, holding it up to the light as the nundu flailed and began to break free of the ice. "O' son of the desert, O' one born of sand and fire, serve me now your master, and slay this beast!"

"I HEAR AND OBEY!" bellowed the djinn, which appeared with a blast of scorching wind from the ring and raced towards the nundu, his great curved blade slicing through the air and severing the nundu's twitching tail. The nundu roared, shattering its barrier and leaping upon the djinn. Vanishing in a swirl of sand and wind, the djinn appeared behind the nundu, striking at its hide with its sword and carving a large gash.

As the two fought, Lockhart reached into his pocket and produced a spare wand. Leveling it, the monster hunter aimed carefully, chanting a long, complicated spell. Just as the nundu appeared to overwhelm the djinn, batting aside his sword with strong talons and raking his chest, a bar of white fire, so brilliant it blinded all who attempted look upon it, sprang from Lockhart's wand. It slammed right through the chest of the nundu and blew apart the wreckage behind it in a shower of rocky shards. With a final moan, the nundu collapsed.

Moody sank to his knees, his hands trembling as he removed his respirator and uncorked a vial of antidote. He hastily downed half, then crawled over to where Nareh lay panting and poured the rest down her throat. After a moment, the veela struggled up, clutching at her wounded side. She nodded her thanks and stook on shaky legs. Together, they walked over to where Lockhart knelt, the djinn standing over him, naked sword held above the monster hunters neck.

"Foolish mortal, it is folly to bind one of the children of the desert! You are skilled, I give you this, but I shall have my revenge."

"Hussain, leave him," Nareh ordered. "He has done us all a great service. Here, take the ring with which he bound you. Return to your bar, and trouble us no more."

Hussain the Djinn whirled upon the veela, his eyes wide with anger. Seeing her wounds, his gaze softened. He glanced around the ruined village, then at the corpses of the three nunda. "By the prophet, you have slain three such creatures? That is a feat unrivaled in all of Shahrazad's tales!"

"We," groaned Lockhart. "We have slain three such creatures. You are a nundu slayer as well, Hussain of the Desert."

The djinn laughed, a deep, full sound. "You would give credit to a djinn, even as the wizard who bound him?"

"It was with your aid we were victorious," Moody snarled. "Take your credit and go. And next time, think twice before crossing blades with me."

Hussain nodded, a smile upon his lips. "Very well. I shall depart. Perhaps it was worth being bound to do a deed so mighty." Taking up his brass ring, Hussain vanished like the desert wind, leaving the three alone.

Lockhart winced and sank back down into the dust, a smile upon his lips. "Dances with Djinns. Not a bad title for a book, I suppose."

Moody shrugged. "I'm more fond of Night of the Nundu myself."

"Oh, that's good that is. Might have to use it. You'll both have to give me your account number at Gringotts, I'll have my publisher send your cut there. I suppose I can just send Hussain's to his bar. Maybe a bit extra, we did tear up the place a bit."

Nareh looked around the ruined village, her expression mournful as she changed back to her humanoid form. "Though the beasts are slain, their taint will linger for many years. My people cannot return, and those who survive are scattered. Hussain is not likely to welcome me back to his bar either. What shall I do now?"

Lockhart lifted his head, grinning wickedly. "Why, come with us my dear! We make quite the team, and I hear there is a Kongamato loose in Zaire. Could do with taking down. After a bit of rest of course, I think we deserve a break at a nice luxury resort. I hear the Hyatt in Tagzahout Bay is lovely."

"And you just assume I'm going to come with you?" Moody growled, lifting his axe to his shoulder.

Lockhart laughed. "My dear fellow, an old auror as renowned as 'Constance Vigil' would never enjoy a quiet retirement. Let's face it, you were bored out of your mind before I came along."

"A life of adventure and travel does sound compelling," Nareh admitted.

Moody shrugged. "Well, it beats waiting on my pension."

As the noonday sun blazed overhead, the three companions laughed as they rose up on their flying carpet, heading across the sands to their next adventure.

 _Authors Note:_

 _More zany comedy and gingers in the next chapter. I just started thinking about what, exactly, Moody would get up to while Black was impersonating him, and realized that him having epic adventures with my version of Lockhart would be the best thing ever. And then I wrote a whole chapter._

 _PS The reason everyone is speaking english is because I don't speak arabic._


	22. Chp 22: Don't Forget the Chair

**Chapter 22: Don't Forget the Chair**

As Evil Lairs went, Sirius Black had to admit that the Riddle House was pretty good. There were lots of cobwebs, the fireplace was drafty enough to make the flames flicker eerily, and of course the ginormous adder that stalked the place. All in all, good stuff for an evil lair. Of course, having Voldequirel present significantly lowered the quality of any establishment, but Sirius was willing to make that sacrifice if it meant he got to pull history's greatest prank by defeating the Dark Lord.

"So you successfully raised my sign over the World Cup?" Voldemort hissed as Quirrell faced the fireplace and rubbed his hands.

"Well, actually, we got good old Lucy to do it for us," Sirius explained.

"We?" Voldemort demanded. "I trusted you to carry out this mission alone!"

"Oh, well, I sort of found you a new follower. My friend, Remus Lupin. Total Death Eater material."

"What makes you think you can judge those worthy of being my followers!?"

"Well, he is a werewolf."

"Oh, well, of course then. Naturally he's good minion material," Voldemort agreed. "And who is this Lucy?"

"You know, Lucius Malfoy, my cousins ugly husband."

"Ah, Lucius, my faithful servant. He is of course, aware of my return. I am disappointed that his son failed to use the diary to produce a body for me, but since my OTHER idiot minion was unable to stop Gilderoy Lockhart, I suppose he can be forgiven."

"But master, I told you I wasn't very good at memory charms! We should have just killed Lockhart," Quirrell protested from the Dark Lord's other side.

"Silence, fool! So, you accomplished your task my servant, well done. I take it there were no complications?"

"Well, aside from having to kidnap my ugly cousin, no not really."

"You kidnapped Narcissa?"

"Oh, no, wrong ugly cousin. We kidnapped Nymphadora."

Voldemort's hideous face paused and looked at Sirius oddly. "That is a terrible name. Honestly, I don't even think that's a name of a constellation or star. Minion, is that a name of a constellation or star?"

Quirrel's shoulders shrugged. "Not that I know of master."

Sirius shrugged. "I dunno. Just that she's my ugly cousin."

"Well, since you kidnapped her, she's your responsibility. It's about time you learned how to properly torture your own prisoners," Voldemort lectured in a patronizing tone.

Just then Nagini the snake slithered into the room, causing Sirius to take a step away from it. It wasn't that he was afraid of snakes, it was that he was afraid of giant poisonous monsters that could probably eat people.

"Nagini tell's me there is a muggle in the next room. Go take care of him, Sirius."

Sirius stuck his head into the next room and found an old muggle man there, shivering slightly and leaning on his cane. "Yep, there's a muggle here. I'll take care of him boss."

"Try anything and I'll cane you young man," the old muggle growled. "My wife's back in the cottage, and if you try anything she'll phone the police. What are you, communists, terrorists? You don't look irish."

"Feed him to nagini!" Voldemort's voice hissed from the other room.

"Er, sure. Stupify!" Sirius stunned the muggle, transfigured him into a chair, then transfigured a nearby chair into the body of an old muggle. "There you go, dinner's up you horrible reptile."

Nagini hissed, and began to eat the transfigured chair. Sirius shuddered, then said. "All this murder has tired me out. I'm off to Hogwarts, got to start planning my lessons you know."

"Oh, you could borrow my old notes!" Quirrell offered.

"No thanks, I'd like to actually be a decent teacher." With a pop, Sirius apparated back to Grimmauld Place.

Inside, he heard shouting from the dungeon and sighed. "Guess she's awake then." Taking the chair, Sirius hurried down stairs.

 _Earlier…._

"But master would want the filthy blood traitor to be tortured, Kreature has the hot irons ready and the rack. If stupid werewolf won't help, Kreature could do it himself."

"For the last bloody time we are not torturing her! She's a member of the house of Black!" Remus yelled, battering away the long hot poker Kreature was trying to thrust through the iron bars of the cell.

"Oh, Kreature understands then. Kreature will return shortly."

With a pop, the house elf vanished, and Lupin sighed, turning back around. "Look, I'm sorry about all that, there has been a-" he stopped, finding a very angry young woman glaring at him from her feather bed, which looked rather incongruous in the dungeon with its bright blue cover and fluffy pink pillows.

"I don't negotiate with Death Eater scum," Tonks snarled, folding her arms across her chest.

Lupin tried very, very hard to ignore the fact that the young lady was wearing nothing but a green night gown. "Well, that's alright, I'll just wait until Sirius comes back. Here, Kreature has left you breakfast. Bacon and toast, with spot of tea." Lupin opened the slot in the door and carefully put the tray through. "See? Not trying to torture you, it's all very nice."

Carefully, Tonks got up and walked over to the tray. She picked up the cup of tea and examined it. "This has clearly been poisoned."

"What? No, I made it myself, the one Kreature made wasn't poisoned, he just put seasoning salt in it and it would have been dreadful. That one just has honey in it, hope you don't mind."

"No, see, it's poison," Tonks said, holding the cup toward the cell bars.

Lupin stepped forward to peer into the steaming mug, and Tonks promptly threw the whole thing in his face and grabbed him, putting Lupin in a strangle hold against the cell bars.

Lupin screamed and struggled, the hot water having burned his skin. He tore at his shirt, ripping it away so that the fabric didn't cling to his skin and cause even worse burns.

"Now you open this door or I'll break your neck!" Tonks growled, her arm becoming massive and muscular.

There was a pop, and Kreature reappeared. "Oh, Kreatures sees you got started without him. Kreature understands, mistress never liked to have a house elf watch while she played with her prisoners. Kreature just thought that Minion would wait for master to come back before starting the fun and games."

Lupin opened his eyes to find Kreature standing before him with a whip, ball gag, latex bodysuits, and a tube of Eros' Heated Love Lube. The poor werewolf could only let out a strangled sob.

"You filthy horrible pest!" Tonks shrieked. "So that's what you Death Eater's plan on doing? You'll never take me alive!"

Lupin managed to wriggle out of Tonks' grip, and flung himself forward onto Kreature. "Get rid of that stuff! For Merlin's sake she's Sirius' cousin!"

"Oh, Kreature knows. Master is simply keeping it 'in the family', as is proper for a Black."

"That's not proper for anyone!" Lupin shouted, ripping the "torture" devices out of the elf's hands.

"Oh, so now you're acting all self righteous are you? You old prude," Tonks said from behind.

Lupin whirled about. "For your information what I do in the bedroom is none of your business! It's just that I find this sort of thing completely distasteful if it's non consensual, which it clearly would be not to mention horrific since this idiot beast seems to think it would be alright for Sirius to get up to this with his close relative."

"You couldn't get laid in a brothel full of veela in heat!"

"Kreature is also yelling because minion can't have all the fun!"

"That's it, I'm through! I'm no one's minion and I'm burning this trash!"

It was at that moment that Sirius descended the stairs, carrying of all things an old chair. He took one look at his half naked friend carrying an arm full of BDSM equipment, glanced at the still underdressed Tonks, and grinned. "Well, I was going to ask if I could join in, but this looks like a private party. I didn't think you'd convince her to come over to our side so quickly. Good job! Come, Kreature, I've got to find someplace to stash this until I figure out what to do about this old muggle I had to kidnap."

Before Lupin could protest, Kreature hurried after Black, closing and locking the dungeon door behind him.

Sirius smiled as he ascended the stairs, ignoring the shouts of protest behind him. "Ah, young love. Hmm, I suppose it won't hurt to just leave this chair here for a bit, I really do have to see to those lesson plans."

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

The sound of the gnomes swearing out in the garden woke Harry, and he stretched and shook Ron. "Come on, get up, we've got to get back to school today."

Ron groaned. "I don't want to go back to school. Hermione made me stay up late every night for the last week because we've got OWLs next year. I don't want to even think about what she's going to be like once term actually starts."

"Bad luck mate," Harry commiserated. "It's your fault for letting that anti-veela charm work so well on you."

Ron glared at Harry from underneath his pillow. "And what have you been up to with Luna? You've been going down to the Rook pretty often."

"We've been researching the native range of the crumple horned snorkack. Luna's dad said he might take us with him the next time he goes looking for one. He's got an expedition planned for next summer."

"Fat chance of that, you'd miss Percy's wedding."

"We'll be back by July. Besides, Luna just isn't as interested in wedding planning as Ginny and mum are."

"Boys, breakfast! You'd best come eat or we'll be late for the train again!" their mother's voice called from down stairs.

The mention of food finally rousted Ron, and they joined the rest of the family, including Hermione and Luna, for breakfast.

"Well, I suppose I'll be seeing you lot again soon," Charlie said as they packed up the car. He'd spent the last week at the Burrow, dropping not so subtle hints that something big was going to be happening at school that year.

"Why would they need a dragon tamer at Hogwarts?" Ginny asked. "Did Hagrid finally manage to get himself a dragon like he's been planning on doing?"

"Oh no, I took that one off him three years ago. Headmaster found out about it and called the reserve."

"Hagrid had a dragon when we were firsties?" Harry asked. "Why don't we remember that?"

"Probably because you lot were too busy blowing up dark lords and such," Charlie suggested.

"Now Harry's working on being a Dark Lord himself!" Fred teased

"Too right," George agreed. "Before long Hermione will have to take him down."

Luna shook her head. "Don't be silly. If Harry was going to be a Dark Lord, Hermione would help him."

"But I'm not a Dark Lord, that was all Padfoot's fault!" Harry protested.

"Good morning Weasleys! Who's Padfoot?" Mr. Weasley asked as he sat down at the table.

"Harry's dogfather," Luna explained.

Mr. Weasley, who by now had gotten rather used to Luna's (and now Harry's) obsession with strange creatures, accepted this with equanimity. "Looking forward to the big event this year?"

"I would if I bloody well knew what it was," Ron grumbled.

"Maybe we'll get a Hogwart's academic decathlon!" Hermione suggested.

Once she had explained what an academic decathalon was, only Luna had any enthusiasm for the American muggle invention, except Mr. Weasley when he learned it was invented by muggles.

Arriving at the train station with ten minutes to spare, the Weasley's rushed through the station and straight through the barrier, causing several muggles to question their own sanity, which really was the normal reaction to the Weasley's presence anyway. Everyone else wisely evacuated from the compartments that were designated as ginger territory, and soon everyone was back at Hogwarts.

"What sort of a teacher do you reckon Padfoot's going to be?" Ron asked on the carriage ride over.

"I just hope he's more academically inclined, like Professor Lupin was," Hermione said.

Luna smiled, a wistful look on her face. "I do hope he's more open minded. Did you know, Professor Lupin told me he seriously doubted that the soltari even existed? Dozens of people have reported to the Quibbler that they have seen their shadows on the Summer Solstice, but professor Lupin was sadly unenlightened."

"I saw a soltari shadow on the solstice," Harry added. "You could see it shimmer across the garden."

"Harry, that was a heat mirage," Hermione told him.

"Or gnome farts," Ron added.

Once at the castle, the Sorting Hat, instead of launching into a song, looked over the incoming first years. "Right, which of you is the Weasley this year?"

There was some awkward shuffling. "None of them are Weasleys, hat," McGonagall said through clenched teeth. "Thank sweet Merlin for that."

"Oh, but that one looks like he has red hair! Could be a Weasley."

A boy with reddish brown hair looked around. "What, me? I'm Jacob Havers. What's a Weasley?"

"You are not a Weasley!" McGonagall told him, glaring at the poor boy until he flinched. "You had best hope you end up in Hufflepuff. Even the Weasley's wouldn't go poaching there. They seem to prefer Ravenclaw for their kidnapping expeditions."

"I wasn't kidnapped, I was rescued!" Luna called. "Harry was very dashing, did you read the story in the Quibbler? I did a three page expose on-"

"Sorting, now!" McGonagall ordered. She leaned down and whispered to the Hat, "and if you dare put anyone in the Weasley house, I'm lighting you on fire and feeding you to the giant squid!"

Straightening up, she smiled a the first years, her right eye lid twitching twice. "Adley, Francies."

Amazingly, not one first year ended up with red hair or freckles who hadn't had it already.

After the sorting, Dumbledore stood to give the announcements. "Once more due to circumstances beyond our control, Hogwarts requires a new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor." He gave the Weasley table a knowing look.

"In our defense, we didn't actually explode this one," Harry said.

Luna nodded. "The dementors even mostly left him alone."

There were mutters at that, some of which contained the words "Soulless Monsters" and "even dementors are afraid of gingers."

"As such, I am pleased to welcome Alastor Moody, renowned ex-auror."

"And ladies man," Sirius Black growled, momentarily forgetting that he was currently Mad Eye Moody. This caused several of the older girls to make retching sounds, and Lavender Brown to actually faint.

Dumbledore glared at Moody, who blushed and shouted, "Constant Vigilance!" in a rather half hearted manner.

Nodding as if that was the correct response, Dumbledore continued, "Additionally,this year, I regret to inform you that quidditch has been canceled."

All eyes turned to the Weasley section again.

"What?" Fred asked, looking offended.

"It wasn't us who summoned the dementors," George added.

Hermione shrugged. "Well, not on purpose anyway."

Ron nodded. "Yeah, and Ginny didn't even mean to get kidnapped."

"I think it's because you idiots took the brooms instead of letting me rescue myself," Ginny grumbled.

Dumbledore coughed before anything could go any further. "Not, in fact, due to any activities by members of this student body. Rather, it is because we are reinstating the Triwizard tournament. Due to the large number of deaths in years past, the rules have been somewhat modified, including the banning of anyone under the age of 17 from entering, meaning-"

"No Weasleys!" McGonagall shouted from behind the Headmaster. "I checked and double checked. Not one of you is going to be 17. I've even had the Headmaster create a special anti-ginger line!"

Dumbledore closed his eyes and sighed. "It's an age line, Professor McGonagall."

"Well that just isn't fair," George said, folding his arms.

"It sounds like the establishment is biased against us," Fred agreed.

"Eh, I'm looking forward to sitting this one out," Harry said.

Hermione nodded vigorously. "Absolutely. After all, some of us only have two years before its time for our OWLs, which means we only have one year, nine months, three weeks and two days of studying left!"

Ron groaned and sank down into his seat, while Luna nodded thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose I might have to bring some homework for Harry on our snorkack hunting expedition then."

The Headmaster finished his speech, and the feast appeared, causing thoughts of mayhem to momentarily be pushed aside from Weasley minds. Soon, however, Fred and George were pacing back in forth in the Weasley Boys dorm while Ron and Hermione played chess as Ginny read. Harry and Luna had decided now was as good a time as any to sneak into the forbidden forest and try to capture a baby unicorn.

"We can't allow ourselves to be outfoxed, brother mine," George declared, pacing left to right as Fred went right to left.

"Too true! A Triwizard Tournament with no Weasleys in it? That's a travesty, that is!"

"Why do you even care?" Ginny asked, her head hanging upside down from the foot of George's bed as she examined Hermione's levitated copy of _Hogwarts, A History._ "According to this, the last time the tournament was held the winner was just the only witch to survive the whole thing."

Fred and George rolled their eyes as they continued pacing. "Well, we're Weasleys! We've faced Dark Lords before you know!"

"And renowned Death Eaters!"

"Sirius isn't a Death Eater though," Ron said, studying the board as Hermione contemplated her next move.

"Well, we thought he was one," Fred argued.

Hermione clicked her tongue as she moved her bishop to take Ron's knight. "This is just going to turn out like the Chamber of Secrets all over again. You'll plan this massive prank, only to be outdone by someone more experienced in the end."

"Oh, we've got plans for Padfoot," George promised, shaking his finger at Hermione.

"The old man's out of date, he won't outdo us!"

"Well if you sign up for the Tournament will you really have time for an epic prank war?" Ginny demanded.

That brought Fred and George both up short. "We could do both," George suggested.

"Yeah, one of us in the Tournament, the other pranks Sirius!" Fred agreed.

Ron shook his head. "You'd both be too busy switching out every other task. You'd never be able to manage it."

The twins looked crestfallen. Then, slowly, they began to grin evilly. "What if we entered someone else in the tournament. Another Weasley, one ready to carry the family honor?"

"Don't you dare do it to me," Hermione said, sighing as Ron sprung his trap. "I suppose that's mate in 10?

"Eight, if you do what I think you will," Ron answered. He looked at Hermione. "I suppose signing me up is right out?"

"Only if you're willing to miss our snog-I mean, study sessions," Hermione said primly.

Ginny snickered from her bed. "You could sign Luna or I up."

"Do you want to, Gin-Gin?" Fred asked.

"Not really. I hear students from Durmstrang and Beauxbatons are coming to compete. I'd rather not find out what sort of dark magics half veela and baby death eaters know."

"We do happen to have a spare child of the Prophecy around," George mused.

"I said not me!" Hermione growled.

"No, no, remember, Harry's the Boy-Who-Lived."

"Right! We sign up good old Harry, and he gets all the fame and glory!" Fred agreed.

"Luna will have a fit," Hermione said, shaking her head.

"No she won't, the tasks often involve magical creatures. She'll be thrilled that she can write a bunch of pieces on them and Harry," Ginny argued.

"What would I be thrilled about?" Luna asked, coming into the dorm soaking wet and covered in leaves.

Harry was right after her, picking twigs out of his hair. "Bad night for unicorns."

"Luna, how would you like a chance to write exposes about Harry's heroics while getting to study a lot of fascinating magical creatures?" Fred and George asked together.

Luna smiled and clapped her hands. "That would be lovely!"

"It's settled then! Congratulations Harry, it's not everyday you get to be a Triwizard Champion!"

"I did what?" Harry said, completely confused.

Ginny stood and shook her head. "Don't worry about it, the Goblet of Fire would still have to pick you. Odds are, another Hogwarts student will be chosen anyway."

"Oh," Harry said, feeling rather relieved. "That's good then."

"Hmm," Fred mused. "Wonder what would happen if there was another school? You think Harry would be a fit for the Salem Witches Academy?"

"Don't be silly, there's no such thing. That's just something people invented because they wanted to have an exotic American location to stage trashy romance novels," Hermione told them.


	23. Chp 23: Off on a Technicality

**Chapter 23: Off on a Technicality**

"The Salem Witches Academy you say?" Sirius rubbed Moody's face, contemplating the idea as he leaned back in his office chair. "I like it! I know the Dark Lord wants me to do something about the Triwizard Tournament, but honestly it just wouldn't be as much fun if my godson wasn't in it. I'll make sure to enter him right away under the 'Salem Witches Academy.'"

Fred and George both grinned widely. "We thought you'd agree with us. After all, that anti-Weasley line is just discrimination."

"Ah, yes. Getting another prank on good old Minnie. It's like the days of my youth once again," Sirius said, sighing contentedly.

"Does she know who you are?" Fred asked.

Black shook his head, causing the fake eye to spin about madly. "No, just Dumbledore and you lot. Well, and Voldequirrel and Snape. Oh, and Lupin. And Tonks, and that old muggle. Oh, that reminds me, I should transfigure him back some time. But yes, it's a complete secret, so don't tell anyone. "

George's eyes gleamed wickedly. "Oh, we wouldn't dream of it old chap."

Later that day, Harry had his very first Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson. The room was, to put it mildly, a mess. There were boxes of textbooks shoved up against a wall, various strange contraptions hung up on the wall or tossed haphazardly into a pile in a corner, stacks of potion bottles in varying states of fullness, and piles of paperwork on the desk in scattered chaos. The desks had all been shoved into groups of four instead of their typical rows, and in the middle of each cluster sat a terrarium or cage inside of which were a variety of magical creatures, some deadly like the miniature gorgon, others fairly harmless such as the cornish pixies.

The students all sorted themselves into groups, with Susan Bones forced to take one desk from the Weasley group and shove it towards one of the Hufflepuff clusters. "For the last time, I'm not a ginger! I'm a strawberry blond, and I dye my hair now, look! It's not even a little red now!"

"It's alright Susan, we don't bite you know," Hermione said, waving at her.

Susan flushed and spun back around, refusing to look at Hermione.

"You know, maybe taking credit for beating up on 'Sirius Black' again wasn't the right thing to do after all," Hermione said with a sigh, turning back towards Harry and Ron. "It seems like everyone is even more terrified of me."

Just then, the back door banged open and "Professor Moody" hobbled in, swearing under his breath about his peg leg. "Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts," Black growled in a fair imitation of Moody's normal way of speaking. "I'm your teacher this year, Alastor Moody. But please, feel free to call me Mad Eye. I find it charming." Said mad eye spun about widely, staring at each student in turn.

"Now, who knows the key to successfully defending against the Dark Arts?" Siriusly Moody asked, stomping about the classroom in between the groups of desks.

Neville Longbottom raised his hand. "Being a Weasley, probably."

"Don't be silly. The Weasley's are successful because they practice CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" A few of the students jumped, but most of them just turned around to look at Weasleys. "Now, as I am certain you are all aware, the Dark Lord has returned."

"Yeah, I read about it in the Daily Prophet," Lavender Brown said.

Her friend Parvati nodded her agreement. "Yes, he's having an affair with Sirius Black."

"I'm what?" Sirius said, his voice losing the growl and taking on his normal jocular tone.

"Oh you know, Sirius Black is the Dark Lord's closest companion," Hannah Abbot explained.

Lavender sighed, her eyes looking off into the distance."Yes, and after all those years together they've had to hide their love, but no more."

Harry sniggered, and Sirius whirled to face him, his magical eye skewering Harry, who broke out into outright laughter. "Something funny, Potter?" "Moody" demanded.

"Oh, nothing," Harry said, trying hard to regain his composure. "I just have to agree with Luna that there is simply no journalistic integrity at the Daily Prophet these days. Everyone should stick to the Quibbler."

"But the Quibbler published that Auror Tonks wasn't kidnapped, she ran off with a werewolf to have a sordid love affair, which is obviously nonsense," Ernie Macmillan said.

"Right, this is getting off topic. We're going to start off our training in Constant Vigilance by examining the creatures at your desk and coming up with ways to prevent them from attacking you. You, Bones. Go back over to your table, I put you in groups of four for a reason."

Groaning, Susan complied, and the rest of the students got to work, as rumors of various people's love life flew thick through the air.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\\\\\\\/\

Remus hurried down the steps to the dungeon, carrying a tray of breakfast food. "Good morning Tonks," he said brightly as he descended the last step. He froze when he laid eyes on the young auror.

Setting down the Daily Prophet on her bed sheet, Tonks smiled sweetly at Remus, which was enough to make his blood run cold. "Good morning Mr. Lupin. Or should I say 'sweetums.'"

Lupin swallowed hard. "You um, you read that bit, did you?"

Tonks nodded, her eyes narrowing. "Didn't know you were a werewolf."

"Look, I promise I'm not going to bite you or anything. I've just brought you breakfast, see? No seasoning salt this time, as you asked. Just, please, don't throw the tea in my face again."

Tonks frowned. "Huh. I thought you'd deny it. Didn't realize you actually were a werewolf."

Lupin resisted the urge to bang his head on the stone walls. "Oh. You were just guessing then?"

"Honestly I was just trying to get a rise out of you. I suppose this was my cousin's idea of a funny joke, spreading rumors that I've gone over to You-Know-Who's side. Or maybe it was you?"

"I can assure you it was not I," Lupin said, carefully putting the tray through the slot and stepping back. "It was probably Sirius. He thinks the two of us getting together would be cute or something."

Taking up the tray, Tonks sniffed at the food. "That's because he's an idiot. I would never date someone like you."

Lupin nodded, feeling a bit let down, but knowing that was foolish. "I know, most women wouldn't want anything to do with a werewolf."

"Not that, moron. You're a bloody Death Eater! Honestly! Thinking I'd be prejudiced against werewolves. You know, I half understand why you went over to the evil side; the Ministry has a spotty record on werewolves."

Despite himself, Lupin felt his spirits soar. "You mean...you don't like me for a perfectly understandable reason like me kidnapping you or being a bad person, and not over a disease I have no control over nor a desire to allow to define myself?"

Tonks nodded emphatically. "Of course! You know, if you were to free me, I bet it would do wonders for the werewolf social justice movement. Heroically turning your back on evil and saving the fair maiden and all."

Lupin took a step forward. "You think so?"

"Absolutely! We'd have a genuine werewolf hero on our hands! Why, if you then betrayed the location of Voldemort and led me and the rest of the aurors to him, you'd be the greatest hero Britain has ever known!"

"If only it were that simple," Lupin said with a heavy sigh, letting himself heavily down onto the chair that Sirius had locked in one of the empty cells and forgotten about. Honestly, the man was so scatterbrained Lupin was fairly certain he'd never be able to maintain the charade he was Moody for more than a few weeks.

Tonks set aside her tray and moved up to the bars, her hair going a sunny yellow color. "But it is that simple! You and me, we could be a team! Taking on evil together! We could even claim that the only reason you joined the Death Eaters was because they offered to give you a fair shake as a werewolf, something the Ministry denied you. Then bam! One good raid and we're through!"

"But it wouldn't be just one raid," Lupin said, shaking his head. "You see, the Dark Lord created Horcruxes."

Tonks frowned as her hair went back to it's lanky black color. "What's a Horcrux?"

"Honestly, I don't really understand," Lupin admitted. "It's something that Dumbledore told Sirius and I about when he assigned us as spies. You see, a horcrux is-"

The two talked back and forth for hours, each trying to persuade the other of the righteousness of their cause, but neither making headway. Still, both were privately glad that had someone to talk to, both being trapped. One in a cell, the other by a society that had predetermined he was going to go bad even before he'd become a spy.

\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

The weeks passed, and Minerva McGonagall was growing increasingly nervous. That had not been a single explosion, missing student, or case of everyone's hair turning odd colors since school started. She constantly kept an eye on the Weasley's, and aside from having to drag Harry and Luna back from the Forbidden Forest a few times and keeping Ronald and Hermione out of broom closets, nothing had happened. And that made Minerva's skin crawl.

"They're up to something, I just know it," Mcgonagall said, pacing back and forth in the staff lounge.

Alastor looked up at her from his grading, a slightly guilty expression on his face. "Who's up to something?"

"The Weasleys! It's those twin terrors, Fred and George! There hasn't been a single missing toilet seat or staff member turning into a newt since term started!"

Moody's magical eye shot back and forth, but that was normal for him. "Er, well, isn't that a good thing? Maybe you've just been practicing constant vigilance and all that."

"Oh, I have, I have," McGonagall muttered, continuing to pace. "But I haven't found or foiled a single scheme of theirs yet."

"Well, maybe it's me. I'm pretty scary and all, and I've been keeping an 'eye' out." Moody chucked to himself and popped his magical eye in and out a few times.

Sprout rolled her eyes at the man's antics. "Perhaps they've simply grown up, Minerva?"

"No, no it's not that. I've been employing the Johnson girl and her friends Spinnet and Bell as spies, and they haven't heard a single thing. But they tell me they're up to something. Something big. And the other school will be here tomorrow! We'll have to redouble our efforts."

"I'll keep my eye on them," Moody declared, giggling to himself. "Eye'll see what I can do about it."

"Yes, yes do that," McGonagall agreed, shoving her whitening hair back into it's bun. "I'm going to do a surprise inspection again."

Moody hobbled out after McGonagall, hurrying to his office. He opened the door and quickly closed it behind him, turning to confront the twin gingers working on a piece of parchment. "She's onto us boys."

Fred and George looked up, frowning as they finished the runes around "Salem Witches Academy." "Who's on to us?"

"McGonagall. She's always been too clever by half. She's noticed we haven't done anything. We'll have to do a prank when the other students arrive or she'll figure out that we're going to be messing with the goblet."

Fred and George nodded, glancing at the potions kit in the corner. "We could brew a bit of laughing gas, release it into the air as the other students come in."

"No, it would get too dispersed in the great hall," Black said, sipping from his polyjuice potion and making a face. "This stuff really is vile. That old coot _would_ taste like distilled paranoia."

"Hmm. Well, how are the other students getting here?" Fred asked.

Sirius shrugged. "Well, I assume the Frenchies are going to take that godawful carriage with the flesh eating horses, and good old Karkaroff is going to show up in that leaky old tub of his on the lake."

George brightened at that. "You mean he's going to show up in a boat?"

Sirius nodded, grinning extra wickedly with Moody's gap toothed grin. "Why yes, yes he is. You know, I happen to have some giant squid pheromones lying around here somewhere."

"Yeah, but we don't know what gender old Squiddy is," Fred said.

Sirius shook his head. "I'll have you know that Nemo is a proper lad. At least, he was back when we put him in the prefects girls bathroom, anyway."

"You're responsible for the giant squid?" Fred and George asked together.

"Well, James was the one who put it in the bathroom, and Remus got it, but I like to think that I helped," Black said, rubbing his knuckles on his jacket before admiring them. "Now, let me see that parchment. Ah! Very good. I'll just add the name and slip it into the goblet myself. Has to be written by a non-ginger, you see."

"You mean she really did put an anti Weasley charm on the goblet?" George demanded.

Black shrugged. "She tried. But she didn't take into account the Marauder in her midst."

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Several days later, despite McGonagall's increasing paranoia, the students all assembled out on the grounds for the arrival of the competing schools. Harry was rather excited to meet wizards from another country, though he wasn't really certain about the Tri-Wizard tournament.

"Do you really think that they'll have dragons in the tournament?" he asked Luna as they stood waiting with the rest.

Luna nodded absently, peering off into the clouds. "Of course, if Charlie is here, they have to have dragons. He's been dropping hints all summer and it makes sense. The tournament always has some interesting magical creatures in it, and my father says the ministry has been working with the Romanian preserve to import something."

"I bet he thought it was more dragon dung for the Greenman conspiracy," Harry chuckled.

"Well yes, but obviously the Greenman conspiracy has switched to-"

"Nitrogen based fertilizers. I overheard you telling Hermione about it yesterday."

"Quiet you two, here they come," Ginny hissed.

Luna gasped and clutched Harry's arm. "Oh, they do have Abraxans! Look Harry, half a dozen of them!"

The enormous winged horses swooped gracefully down from the clouds, their wingspan easily fifty feet apeace. Each was dun colored with a silky white mane that streamed behind them as they pulled a carriage approximately the same size as the _Weatherlight_ had been.

Harry grinned and reached into the bag at his feet, pulling out the bottle of firewhiskey he'd "borrowed" from Fred and George when Luna had told him she thought the French students might arrive via the abraxans. "We can give this to them later."

"Mr. Weasley!" a harsh voice snapped from behind him, and Harry and Luna both jumped.

They turned around, looking sheepishly up at their head of house. "It's not for us," Harry said, holding up the bottle.

"It's for the horses; Abraxans only drink whisky," Luna explained.

The bottle flew out of their hands, and McGonagall tucked it into her robes. "Thought you could get away with that prank, eh boy? Detention!" She stalked away, taking the bottle out and taking a quick pull as she made her way over to the rest of the professors.

Crestfallen, Harry looked down and kicked at a rock as the carriage landed.

"Don't worry about it Harry, we'll get some more whiskey," Luna promised. "Oh! Here comes the Durmstrang students now."

Out of the depths of the lake arose an enormous ship, it's tattered sails covered in seaweed and kelp as it rose out of the depths of the lake. It started to gild eerily towards the shore as figures scuttled about it's deck, only for it to suddenly jerk to a halt. Shouts from the lake could be heard, then large pink tentacles rose up out of the lake and wrapped themselves around the boat, which began to shudder and shake wildly. Over the screams of the sailors, a soft jazzy theme began to drift across the lake.

 _Love, exciting and new_

 _Come aboard, we're expecting you_

 _Love, life's sweetest reward_

 _Let it flow, it floats back to you_

"I should have bloody known!" McGonagall swore, drawing her wand and hurrying forward. "Alastor, find the twins! They're responsible for this, I know it!"

After the amorous squid was finally rebuffed by the efforts of McGonagall and Hagrid, the sopping wet Durmstrang students made their way up the hill to where the immaculate Beauxbaton students were already waiting, making a stark contrast in their ink covered and water stained robes.

For their part, Fred and George were standing contritely with Moody, innocent expressions on their faces.

"They've detention with me until Christmas," Moody growled. "Don't you worry Minerva."

McGonagall gave Moody a thankful look, missing the expressions of mischief that crossed the twins faces.

"Oh, that is just not good," Ron muttered, shaking his head.

Hermione shrugged. "At least it should keep them out of our hair. No more frictionless showers for you at least."

Ron grimaced, nodding as he rubbed his tailbone in memory. "I don't know who's worse, 'Moody' or the twins."

"Moody," Harry said immediately. "The twins have never tried to take me muggle baiting."

"Oh Merlin," Ginny groaned as the Durmstrang students assembled. "I am going to murder those two idiots. Did they even know who was going to be on that boat?"

"Oi, is that Gin-Gin's boyfriend?" Fred called, pointing to a sopping wet, and highly irritated, Victor Krum.

"I know where you sleep at night Fred Weasley!" Ginny snarled, drawing her wand. "You keep your bloody mouth shut!"

"Well, I won't be so foolish as to say that Gin-Gin has a massive crush on Victor," George said loudly, ducking to the side as a small rock passed through where his head had been.

Said rock smacked right into Victor's leg, who turned and looked at the crowd. He broke into a grin. "Ah, tiny fierce english vitch! I am hoping World Cup was not disappointment to you. This time, I am being champion I think. Unless perhaps I face little vtich, then vill have most excellent battle for victory."

"Oh, yes, you were great," Ginny said, flushing a deep red. "Very nice catching the snitch, though honestly I think I could play better than your chasers."

Victor nodded gravely. "Perhaps. Bulgaria is raising great seekers and good beaters, but not so good with the chasers. Ve half to be playing quidditch match I think, Durmstrang against Hogwarts."

"What about Beauxbaton?" one of the French students demanded as the Professors discussed the squid incident.

Victor and Ginny snorted at the same time. "Vhat/What _about_ Beauxbaton?"

The French student's eyes narrowed, and a fight very nearly broke out before Dumbledore lead them all into the great hall. And explained the rules of the tournament.

A french girl with red hair stood up halfway through the explanation. "What am I hearing about zis no redheads policy? Zis is being racist, non?"

Dumbledore sighed heavily. "It's actually just an age line. The cup will not automatically reject gingers."

"Just Weasleys," McGonagall growled, glaring over at the ginger section of the Gryffindor table.

That caused the Durmstrang and Beauxbatons students to mutter amongst themselves as they studied the Weasleys. Fred and George waved merrily, while Luna smiled and whispered into Harry's ear. Apparently, some of the French students were part Veela, and Luna took her anti-Veela charm duties very seriously, as evidenced by the fact that Harry's face was nearly as red as his hair.

Over the next day, various students filled out their names and dropped them in the Goblet of Fire. Upon McGonagall's insistence, a 24 hour guard was posted at the Goblet, composed of teachers and various ministry officials, including Percy.

"Don't think I'm going to help you cheat to enter yourselves into the Goblet," Percy lectured Fred and George as they folded paper airplanes and shot them towards the goblet. He zapped the airplanes out of the air with his wand, sending little flaming wrecks to scatter themselves throughout the hall.

"Please Percy, you don't give us enough credit," Fred said, closing one eye as he aimed his latest creation.

"Yeah, as if we'd cheat by a method you could figure out," George agreed, grinning as Percy blasted his latest contraption out of the air.

Fred let his plane fly and grinned wickedly. "We're just doing this to annoy you."

Finally, everyone assembled in the Great Hall for the Halloween Feast as the names of the champions were drawn from the goblet. A rush of flames appeared, and a scrap of parchment shot from the goblet to Dumbledore for each chosen champion. Cedric Diggory, Fleur Delacour, and Victor Krum came about normally, and everyone was settling down, save for Fred and George who were grinning hugely. Percy was looking very suspicious, when the goblet flared to life a fourth time. Dumbledore reached up, grabbing the parchment out of the air.

Dumbledore read the parchment, then burst out laughing and tossed it into a rubbish bin.

"Vhat did it say?" demanded Karkaroff.

Dumbledore shook his head, still chuckling. "The Champion of the Salem Witches Academy is Harry Potter," Dumbledore said, turning away to go sit down.

Fred and George groaned then slumped in their seats, a defeated look on their faces. Harry glared at them, mouthing, "Salem Witches Academy?"

"Well, that means that Harry Potter has to participate, doesn't it?" Moody growled, looking a bit confused with his magical eye unable to focus on anything as it wiggled about.

"Oh, yes, certainly. Will Harry Potter please come forward?" Dumbledore said, waving grandly to the assembled students.

No one moved.

"Well come on lad," Moody growled, pointing to Harry. "You've been chosen."

"Oh no I haven't," Harry said firmly. "I'm Harry Weasley."

"You moron, he's had his name officially changed and everything!" Fred called, shaking his head.

"He's legally and magically a Weasley now," George sighed. "He can't participate at all."

Luna frowned at Fred and George. "You know, I don't think that was very nice. I don't want Harry getting eaten by a dragon."

"But it would have been so much fun," the twins sighed.

McGonagall grinned widely, clapping and giggling. "Ha! No Weasleys, this is perfect! It will be a simple, normal-"

The Goblet flared to life once more, and a fifth name appeared from the Goblet. Fred and George's mouths dropped open, and Dumbledore frowned as he stepped forward and grabbed the fluttering scrap. This time, his lips thinned as he read, his eyes losing their twinkle as he looked up.

"The Weasley Champion is Hermione Granger," he declared, holding up the parchment.

McGonagall fainted dead away.


	24. Chp 24: Hail Khalisi!

**Chapter 24: Hail Khalisi!**

Silence reigned in the hall as everyone looked to the Weasley table. Swallowing, Ron stood up. "I'm sorry, there seems to be a mistake, no one entered Hermione. So you can uh, just ignore that last bit."

Hermione groaned and shook her head. "No, if my name came out of the Goblet of Fire, then I have to participate. It's a magically binding contract."

Dumbledore nodded sadly, his beard wagging as he did so. "I am afraid Ms. Weasley, that is, Ms. Granger is correct. She will be required to participate or risk forfeiting her magic."

Ron scratched his head. "Well, we could just change her name then right? She's practically already a Weasley."

"I'm afraid that won't work. Legally at the time of entry and drawing, her name was Hermione Granger. Changing it after the fact would not solve the problem," Dumbledore said gently.

"Zis is outrageous!" Madam Maxine bellowed, standing up to tower over Dumbledore. "Professor Dumblydoor, I demand zat another champion is chosen for my school as well!"

"I am demandink this as vell!" Karkaroff said, standing and drawing himself to his full height, which looked rather childish next to Maxine who was a good foot and a half taller than he.

"But according to the functionality of the Goblet there should only be three champions!" Hermione said, looking slightly panicked. "How could you alter the Goblet so that it believed there should be four, let alone five!"

"Welllllll-" Fred said, looking rather guilty. "Maybe if someone brewed a rather powerful perplexing potion…."

"Which they coated the parchment in," George added

"Maybe wrote the letters in special ink made with truth serum and a binding rune on it…"

"And confounded the Goblet with a special charm as they put their parchment in…."

"That would probably do it," they finished together.

Maxine glared at the twins. "Am I to understand zat zese two miscreants are responsible for zis outrage?"

"Well, we did do the bit with Harry," George admitted.

Fred glared at the professors table, where Moody was busily examining his cutlery. "But someone forgot that Harry's name got changed last Christmas."

"And the girl, she is also your relative yes?" Karkaroff demanded. "I have heard of this Hermione Granger. She es a dangerous girl, keeling dementors and such."

"I didn't kill any Dementors!" Hermione protested. "And I didn't enter the tournament! I made Fred and George swear a magically binding oath not to!"

"I should have thought of that," Harry mused. "Make them swear an oath never to prank me again."

"Not happening Harrykins," the twins said in unison.

Dumbledore sighed and shook his head. "Regardless, I must now call the champions to discuss their duties and upcoming challenges."

Ron and Hermione made their way forward, until Percy put a hand on Ron's shoulder. "Not this time Ron."

"But I-" Ron began, but stopped when Percy shook his head.

"I'll look after her, I promise. You wait with the others, we'll be seeing you soon."

Hermione felt stunned while Dumbledore outlined when the first task would be happening and what the champions were expected to do. She raised her hand when Dumbledore asked for questions, and blurted out, "How will this affect our education? Do we receive extra tutoring? How will the tasks cut into our classroom schedule and studying time?"

Madam Maxine bristled. "You silly girl, you were just told zat you would not receive help from your teachers and must face the task only with your wand!"

"No, I mean with OWLs, they're next year you know, and I don't want to fall behind in my subjects and end up with failing grades!"

Fleur DeLacour, the Beauxbaton champion, shrugged. "If you are successful as a Triwizard champion, your grades, they will not matter as much, non? Instead, you will have a chance to show your skill and daring. Future employers will be impressed by your actions and your fame. Zat would be better than OWLs, yes?"

Hermione glared at the too pretty veela girl. "Oh yes, that's all very well and good, but what about my chances of being head girl?"

"Those were sunk the moment you became a Weasley," Cedric Diggory said, winking at Hermione. "Do you really think that McGonagall is going to put up with another Weasley in a position of power? It will be a miracle if you make prefect."

Hermione's mouth opened and shut in horror, but she managed, "But what about my class ranking? This could plummet if I'm spending all this time fighting monsters!"

"Miss Granger, so far not only have you excelled in academics but also in battling various monsters, dark lords, death eaters, and the sanity of your head of house," Dumbledore said, the twinkle returning to his eyes. "I have no doubt that you will make a most excellent champion and maintain your grades."

"Don't worry, we'll all pitch in," Percy told Hermione. "And you'll make head girl yet, you'll see."

Everyone made their way out, until Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Alastor, a moment, if you would?"

Looking as if he wanted to be anywhere else, Black nodded and shuffled back inside, scuffing his feet on the ground while the headmaster locked the door and cast a few privacy charms before rounding on him.

"Sirius, I know that you love Harry, and that he is like family to you. Which means I have to ask just what, exactly, you were thinking in entering Harry into the Tournament?"

Sirius' magical eye began to spin wildly, and the peg leg scuffed the floor. "Oh, well, you know, him being the Boy-Who-Lived and all, I figured he um, needed some training. You know, face dangerous situations and overcome them."

"And that is why you are here, Sirius. To train Harry. Not to take him on death defying adventures and enter him in tournaments where he risks life and limb," Dumbledore said, his voice stern and blue eyes shining in the dim light.

Sirius flinched back. "Does...does this mean the twins and I aren't to be doing any more pranks?"

Dumbledore chuckled. "Heaven's no. I'll have you know I am quite fond of 'Love Boat.' And, frankly, we could all do with a laugh or two. But Sirius, our first responsibility is to keep the students safe." Dumbledore paused, then shrugged. "And, also the sanity of my staff. Don't push Minerva too far."

/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/

"Right, I'm calling this emergency session of the Weasley Family Pranksters Union to Order," Fred declared, tapping his wand on a dusty desk to make a sound like a gavel.

Charlie frowned, crossing his arms and leaning back against a cloth draped bookshelf in the empty classroom. "Shouldn't that be my job as the eldest present?"

"I'd be more concerned about the fact he's decided we're a pranksters union myself," Percy said, shaking his head as he swept dust off a chair and sat down. "You two are really in for it when mum hears you tried to get Harry in the tournament."

"We've had howlers before," George declared with a shrug. "Now really, we should get to business. Charlie, I believe you have information for us about the first task?"

"Isn't this cheating?" Hermione piped up. "I was told that wasn't allowed."

Charlie snorted and shook his head. "Please. I know for a fact some of my Romanian compatriots have been in constant contact with Karkaroff ever since this whole thing started six months ago. If Krum isn't getting a briefing from him now, I'll eat my boots."

"Just because they're cheating doesn't make it right for us to cheat though," Hermione hedged.

"Come off it Hermione, you're already panicking about your schoolwork. This will just allow you to focus your research more and give you time to study for exams," Ron said.

That seemed to convince Hermione, and she nodded reluctantly.

"Right, well, as you should have guessed, the first task involves dragons," Charlie said, standing up and going over to a dusty chalkboard. Taking out his wand, he conjured some chalk and started drawing. "As near as I can tell, they've had us bring in about every kind of dragon egg you can think of." Charlie wrote a number of different names on the board, from Hungarian Horntail to Peruvian Vipertooth."

"Just the eggs though?" Luna said, coming over the board to look at Charlie's description of each variety of dragon. "That does seem a bit odd. Dragon eggs aren't very dangerous."

"Well, not until they hatch anyway," Percy muttered. "Then they're right little beasts."

"How close are they to hatching?" Harry asked.

Charlie shrugged. "That's the odd thing. All of the eggs are ready to hatch now. We're keeping them in stasis. We've got everything you need to care for dragon hatchlings stockpiled, but instead of putting them to use we're just sitting on them and standing by for when we bring the eggs out of stasis so they can finally hatch."

"Ah, then the first task is obvious," George declared coming up and slapping Hermione on the back. "Congratulations, Hermione."

"For what?" Hermione said, looking up confusedly at George.

"You get to live Hagrid's dream!" Fred said, grinning wickedly at Hermione. "You're going to be a mum."

Ron's face went very pale. "But we, I haven't, dad said you couldn't from just snogging!"

Fred and George rolled their eyes. "Not like that you idiot. She's going to be a dragon mum."

Luna squealed and clapped her hands. "Ooo! You're going to get to raise a dragon!"

Hermione had to be helped into a chair as she gasped for breath. "But...but...but…"

"Don't worry Hermione, raising dragons is easy!" Charlie said, slapping her on the back. "I'll teach you everything I know. Why, I'll introduce you to Norberta. You'll both get along famously."

"Ooo, did you finally get a girlfriend Charlie?" Ginny demanded, sitting up and grinning at him.

Charlie frowned. "Well, sort of. I mean, Norberta is a girl. And my best friend. Come on, I'll introduce the lot of you."

A short time later, Hermione was clinging to Ron as her knees knocked together. "This is not what I pictured when you said you'd introduce us to your girlfriend Charlie!"

Charlie grinned down at his family, where Ginny was pouting, Percy had his head in his hands, Fred and George were making lewd remarks, and Harry and Luna were both dancing with excitement. He reached up and scratched at the horns on top of the large head that had come down to rest on his shoulder as he sat astride the massive scaled back. "Norberta, meet my family! Weasleys, Norberta. She's a beauty, isn't she?"

"Charles Weasley, you can't date a dragon! Mum would have a fit if she knew," Ginny said, stomping her foot. "Honestly, I think I finally get something juicy out of you before mum does and somehow you manage to screw it up."

"But Ginny this is brilliant!" Harry crowed. "Charlie, can we touch her?"

"Or ride her?" Luna asked eagerly.

Charlie laughed and nodded. "Come on then, she's a well behaved girl. Just approach slowly with your hands outstretched, and show no fear. Dragons detest weakness."

Harry and Luna came forward as quickly as they dared, and Norberta swung her head over on her long neck to peer down at them with one large amber eye. Luna reached up to scratch Norberta's chin, and the dragon hummed deep within her chest, lowering her chin a bit more so that both Harry and Luna could scratch at it.

"She's beautiful!" Luna babbled. "How big is her wing span?"

Norberta's head swung away, and she reared up on her hindquarters, spreading her wings and flapping twice, causing a huge gust of wind to buffet the clearing.

"Sixty five feet," Charlie said proudly. "She's vain to a fault of course. Loves to be complemented and adores showing off. You'll get along with her fine if you keep that up. Oh! Hermione, you'd best come over, one of the eggs we've got is from Norberta's first clutch! She'd be honored if you became her hatchlings caretaker I'm sure."

Tentatively, Hermione and Ron stepped forward. Norberta lowered her head, then snorted a small gout of flame when the humans cowered. An ember fell into Hermione's hair, and she shrieked.

"Stop that this instant!" Hermione shouted, batting at her smoldering hair and glaring at the dragon. "That's very rude you know. We're being perfectly polite, coming to see you, and that's how you treat us? The nerve of some people!"

Instead of attacking as Hermione had half feared, Norberta cocked her head to one side, blinking slowly. Then she lowered her head so that one eye was parallel to Hermione's head, opening her jaws to show her fangs and letting a hiss of steam escape.

"Well, I'm sure some people think that's impressive," Hermione said, half scared out of her wits and too overcome by events to think rationally. "But I assure you, the basilisk we killed had much bigger teeth, and that poison was much scarier than a bit of fire and steam."

Looking somewhat offended, Norberta reared up once more and let out a deafening roar, along with a gout of flame that lit up the twilight sky with red fury. A wave of terror and awe struck the humans, as Norberta's draconic presence intensified.

"Oh come off it. You're not half as terrifying as Voldemort or a load of dementors. Yes, you're very impressive for a dragon, but really where does that put you in the grand scheme of things?" Hermione demanded, crossing her arms across her chest to keep herself from trembling.

Norberta sank back on her haunches, her forelimbs massive claws opening and closing as she studied Hermione. Finally, she broke eye contact and lowered her head down to Charlie. She blinked at her human companion, and then bobbed her head up and down.

"Ha! See, I told you you'd like my family you big softie!" Charlie hooted, rubbing Norberta's belly scales affectionately. "Seems you meet her approval Hermione. Helps that you have that whole girl who hunts monsters reputation!"

Squaring her shoulders, Hermione stepped forward, Ron half a step behind her. "So, Charlie, how does one go about raising a baby dragon?"

/\\\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Two weeks later, the entire school gathered in a large amphitheater along with a large number of wizards from across Europe.

"Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen!" the voice of Ludo Bagman bellowed from the arena floor. "To the first task of the Triwizard Tournament! With me today are your four champions! The hometown hero, Cedric Diggory!"

The crowd bellowed and cheered as Cedric waved, grinning up at them and taking off his padded leather helmet. Just as the cheers died down, a voice could be heard saying, "That's my son that is. Best seeker in the school you know, even better than the Weasleys!"

"Thanks, dad," Cedric said through clenched teeth, his smile never slipping.

"And of course the femme fatale, the lovely Miss Fleur Delacour!"

There were more cheers as Fleur stepped up, still looking as enticing as ever, especially thanks to the sleek black leather armor she wore. She smiled and waved, blowing a kiss towards her family where her younger sister was shrieking and waving frantically.

"And you all know and love him, the fastest man alive on a broom, Victor Krum!"

Krum nodded solemnly, raising a clenched fist to the crowd then thumping it against the boiled leather currais he wore as he met the eyes of a certain tiny but fierce witch.

"And of course, who could forget the legend herself, Hermione Weasley, the Girl-Who-Fought-Monsters!"

"It's Granger, actually!" Hermione shouted, but that was lost in the roar of the crowd. Hermione sighed and shook her head, pulling on her welders gloves. "Well, I guess we all know what we're up against, don't we?"

"I am having no idea vat you is referring to," Victor said, shoving a raw steak deeper into his pocket.

Fleur rolled her eyes. "Of course we know. We are not stupid. Even if we were, zee fact zat zee sister of a dragon tamer was checking out so many books on dragon rearing would have been a bit of a give away, non?"

"Thanks for the heads up though," Cedric said. "Apparently Dumbledore is the only headmaster who takes the not cheating thing even halfway seriously."

"If you is not cheating, you is not trying," Krum grunted.

Bagman had been speaking while the champions talked, and he concluded his speech and waved his wand. The floor of the amphitheater around the clustered champions sank away, then rose up again covered burning coals, with eggs of various colors and sizes scattered about.

"The first task of the Tournament will take many months, but it is key to the successful completion of becoming a true Triwizard Champion! From these eggs, our champions must successfully tame a dragon hatchling! Over the next few months, they must rear their hatchling, for it will be their companion in the trials to come. But of course, first they must tame one. And survive!"

"Well, according to _Caput Draconis_ , most dragon hatchlings are not that dangerous to a witch or wizard," Hermione said, turning slowly in a circle and studying the eggs in an effort to identify them.

"True, but only when there is only one hatchling," Cedric agreed, his own eyes roaming over the arena as well. "But there are easily six dragon eggs to each of us. And they're going to hatch hungry."

Krum grunted, pulling out a vial of potion that he uncorked with his teeth, then drank. He tossed the empty vial to the ground where it shattered. "So, no need to be fighting over vich dragon ve is getting, yes? Myself, I am wanting that Ukrainian Ironbelly over there."

"You would go for ze brutish option," Fleur sniffed. "I shall take one of the Swedish Short Snouts. A female, if possible."

"I think a Welsh Green will suit me just fine," Cedric said, nodding to the largest clutch of eggs. "They're friendly for dragons."

"I guess I get the horntail then," Hermione said, finding the egg that had to be Norberta's.

"You vould go for hardest one," Victor chuckled. "You Veasley Vomen are the stubborn lot."

Before Hermione could demand just what Victor meant by that, all the eggs began to rock at once. Hastily casting a flame repelling charm over herself, Hermione hurried toward her chosen egg as the other champions made their way toward their own chosen dragons. Reaching into the blacksmith's apron she wore, Hermione pulled out her wand and a raw steak, swallowing as she glanced around at the rocking eggs. Cracks were appearing in many of them, and little spurts of flame and jets of acid could be seen.

Carefully, Hermione kneeled down next to her chosen egg, keeping an eye out for hatchlings. The horntail egg rocked, part of it shattering as a spike tipped tail pierced through it. Hermione focused on the egg, willing to hatchling to come out. She became so focused that she didn't hear the sound behind her, only realizing something was wrong when something blasted against her backside.

With a yelp, Hermione stood and spun to find a full grown salamander breathing fire at her, it's molten eyes glaring up at her. Thankfully, Hermione's fire repelling charm had kept the worst of the flames off, and she pointed her wand at the fire lizard and hosed it down with water. It hissed, then turned stone grey as its flame fizzled out. Hermione kicked at the thing, shattering its body and killing it. She spun back around, just as a baby dragon emerged from the egg.

"Oh, here, this is for you," Hermione cooed, trying her best to sound motherly and calm. She held out a chunk of steak, which the dragon eagerly grabbed from her hand and gulped down. Hermione continued to feed the house cat sized hatchling, talking softly and calmly and stroking the dragon's head as she did so. Before long, however, Hermione found herself surrounded by more dragon hatchlings; Peruvian Vipertooths and Romanian Longhorns.

"This isn't for you, clear off!" Hermione shouted, using her wand to blast the ground in front of a baby Vipertooth. The hatchling jerked back, then snarled and spat acidic venom at Hermione. The other hatchlings lunged forward, some stopping to fight over the remains of the salamander, others eager for human flesh.

"Oh no!" Scooping up the baby Horntail, which eagerly stuck its head into one of her pockets to feast on more steak, Hermione tried to fight off the hungry hatchlings one handed, stunning and blasting several. However, even hatchling dragons had a large degree of magical resistance, and soon Hermione found herself scampering over the superheated rock, panting and out of breath in her heavy wielders gear.

She glanced around and saw Victor was having similar problems. He had transfigured a large beaters stick, which he was laying about with, battering away squealing dragon hatchlings as his baby Ironbelly roared defiance from atop his shoulders.

In contrast, Cedric and Fleur were doing just fine. Cedric had a whole clutch of Welsh Greens under his control, feeding them and encouraging them to fight off the interlopers. He seemed to have an unlimited supply of meat, and Hermione realized he'd shrunken down a meat locker, which he'd then returned to normal size and was using to bribe all the clannish Welsh Greens with. By contrast, Fleur was singing to her chosen Short-Snouts, which were crooning back as they competed for tidbits from the veela girl. Other dragons were fighting over the enlarged remains of several salamanders that Fleur had killed, but they occasionally would look up and croon at Fleur, only to be ignored.

"This had better work," Hermione muttered, pulling out a shrunken boogie board which she returned to normal size, along with a tiny crystalline vial neatly labeled _Ocean in a Bottle._ "Hold on dearie," Hermione shouted, clutching at her bloated horntail, which belched flame contentedly, licking its chops after having finished the steaks. Hermione smashed the vial onto the rock, then clung to the boogie board as a massive wave of water erupted under her feet.

The dragon hatchling that had been pursuing Hermione were swept away along with Hermione, who clung to her board as road the wave to the edge of the amphitheater. Her baby dragon let out a squeal of distress as the water splashed it, but calmed once the water rushed away and Hermione stroked its neck. Glancing behind her, Hermione saw that her momentary ocean had swept away the dragons antagonizing Krum as well, though he and his dragon were fine, hidden behind a wall of ice that Victor had used to prevent himself from behind caught up in the tidal wave. Fleur was glaring at Hermione, sopping wet and stroking the back of her chosen Short-Snout, which was coughing up spurts of water. Cedric was laughing up against the far wall he'd been swept away to, holding onto two sodden greens that looked quite a bit worse for wear.

"Sorry about that!" Hermione called, waving to the other champions. "It was the twins idea, but I do think it worked out quite well!"

Thanks to Charlie, the dragon handlers had been warned to expect something along the lines of the tidal wave, and had set up a net to catch floating dragon hatchlings at the lower end of the amphitheater. Most of them were fine, though Hermione winced when she saw that several hatchlings had either drowned or been crushed by the wave. Still, the crowd cheered for her quite loudly as the champions and their chosen dragons returned to the center of the area.

"Ten points!" Percy called, clapping loudly from the ministry box.

"I didn't think there were any points," Hermione called back.

"There's not, but that was rather spectacular! How did you manage to get that much water in a vial?"

Hermione grinned. "Weasley Prankster's Union secret!"

"Congratulations champions!" Bagman boomed as the crowd applauded. "And especially interesting performance from Ms. Weasley-"

"Granger!"

"-Weasley as she swept away the competition! Now, however, comes the most challenging part of your task. You must raise your hatchling, and raise it well! The second trial will come in the spring, and for it you must have a strong, healthy dragon at your side, or you will surely fail!"

As they were led away, Hermione stroked her dragons back, and it cooed up at her. She smiled down at the hatchling, which had scales in a metallic golden hue. "I think I'll name you Ramoth. I suppose if I have to be a mum of dragons, I could do far worse."

 _Authors Note:_

 _No, I don't know who this "Anne MccAffrey" is. By the Red Star, if you bunch of fribbles don't keep your mouths shut, I'll hunt you to the ends of Pern. I mean the Earth._


	25. Chp 25: Much Ado About Nothing

**Chapter 25: Much Ado About Nothing**

Sirius stomped into the Riddle manor house, shaking snow from his boots. He paused, looking around at the dusty furniture. He suddenly slapped his forehead. "The chair! Bloody hell, when I get back, I'm going to have transfigure that poor muggle back! It's been months now."

He continued on into the building, pausing when he heard the sound of Celestina Warbeck singing "My Cauldron Boils Over For You." Carefully, he put his ear to the door to the dining hall where the music was coming from.

"For the last time you idiot, I'm not attracted to the man! Or any man, for that matter!"

"But master, you really could do with a nice dinner date. Live a little! You are immortal after all, it would be good for you."

"Fool! I don't even have my own body at the moment! How would I even get together with Black?"

"Well, I'd just take some dreamless sleep potion while you two relax together."

"Simpleton! That would put me to sleep as well for I share your body! This entire endeavor is pointless and-"

Black slipped, and fell into the door, knocking it open. He froze as his eyes met Quirrell's. The man was busy scattering rose petals over the table, which was set for two. Golden candles burned brightly, revealing a sumptuous meal on gilded plates.

"Oh, er, hello there. Um, master."

"Oh, I'll just leave the two of you alone," Quirrell said, practically skipping with joy. He turned around, revealing the abashed face of Voldemort.

"Ah. Black. You are, er, looking hale. How's the job?"

"Oh, can't complain. Hermione's doing well in her tasks. That's um, that's what you wanted, right?"

"Oh, yes, very much so."

An awkward silence descended, filled only with the happy mindless humming of Quirrell.

"Well, um, would you care to eat?" Voldemort finally ventured. "We, ah, we don't get to talk often."

"Er, sure," Black agreed, hesitantly sitting and trying to smile at the hideous face across from him.

 _Harry, I am going to kill you. I have to have the most awkward love life ever._

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Stifling his trepidation, Lupin carefully opened the door to the dungeon. "Breakfast?" he called, keeping one hand over his eyes. After he'd walked in on Tonks naked the week before, he was determined not to relive that rather mortifying experience. Even if it had been very pleasant.

"It's fine, I'm decent," Tonks voice said, sounding somewhat sleepy.

Lupin opened his, gasped, and promptly shut them again. "No you're not!" he squawked.

"Oh please. You can't say you've never seen a girl in her knickers before." By the tone of her voice, Lupin could tell the attractive, no stop that! Young woman had planted her hands on her hips.

"I well, you see, I never-"

"You never what?" Tonks voice got closer, and Lupin could just tell she was up against the bars, leaning towards him, her ample bosom pressed up against-nononono, none of that.

"Well, you see, I haven't exactly...not on purpose you see, Sirius and James pulled a few pranks, but well, you know...with my condition…"

"Oh my God. You've never even had a girlfriend have you?"

Lupin spread his hands and glared with one eye at Tonks, then promptly flushed at seeing her practically naked again and shut it. "Well, you know, I took a few girls to Hogsmeade with the boys, but I never really...look, this is hardly appropriate conversation for a man of my age to be having with a young lady such as yourself."

"Fine, fine." There was the sound of rustling cloth, and Tonks sighing heavily. "Look, it's fine now, you can open your eyes."

Slowly, Lupin did open his eyes. He suppressed a groan. "I hardly think wearing one of my old shirts, and only that shirt, qualifies as decent."

"What? It's big enough on me to cover everything," Tonks said, gesturing to her rather curvy at the moment figure which the shirt did little to hide. "Now bring my breakfast over, I'm starving."

Swallowing, Lupin reluctantly walked over and pushed one of the plates on his tray through the slot. Tonks held out a mug, and he poured her a cup of tea, before setting down at the small table next to the bars with his own breakfast.

"You know, I'm halfway convinced you're not really a Death Eater," Tonks said through a mouthful of food.

Lupin paused with a fork halfway to his mouth. "Oh?"

"Yeah, you're just so nice. Innocent. Pure. I mean, compared to you I'm a filthy wretch."

"Whatever do you mean? You're a wonderful young woman, and an auror. I'm sure you've got a sterling reputation."

"Yeah, you see, I've actually been in a few broom closets with blokes before, and I seriously doubt you've ever done the horizontal hula with anyone," Tonks said casually, taking a sip of her tea.

Lupin sputtered, spattering himself with his own beverage. He was having a very hard time not imagining himself with Tonks in a broom closet. "Just because I haven't...I mean, it's none of my concern what you've done nor yours what I have or haven't done."

"Really? Because you know, as a metamorphmagus, I can do all sorts of interesting things. Look like practically anyone. Tell me, what would you change about me to make me sexier?"

"Nothing." It was out before Lupin could even register that he was speaking. He flushed, trying to look away from the young woman who was so close to him, separated only by those damnable bars. He coughed. "I mean, you're already lovely. Who would try to change anything about you? That would just be living some sick fantasy. I rather like who you are, even if I know you can never like me for keeping you prisoner here."

"Well, that's sort of my fault now isn't it? I tried to kill Dumbledore. It was Dumbledore, wasn't it, that you brought to see me? Old coot always was sucking on some weird muggle candy or other."

"They were caramels," Lupin said forlornly. "I do wish you had believed him. Maybe...maybe if you changed your mind, promised me you wouldn't go straight to the ministry...I could let you out?" Lupin tried to keep the desperate hope and pleading from his voice, but he didn't quite succeed.

Tonks met his eyes for a long minute, then slowly, shook her head. "I couldn't do that. I'm honor bound to fulfill my duty as an auror. The moment you let me out of this cell, I'd have to turn you lot in. At the very least, you are wanted for questioning about You-Know-Who and Sirius Black, as well as other suspected death eaters."

Lupin sighed. "I was afraid you'd say that." He glanced down at his tea speckled shirt and grimaced. "Well, I should go get cleaned up. Want any new books from the library while I'm up there?"

"Sure, anything trashy and romantic, or swashbuckling and bloody," Tonks said, handing over a novel. "Finished with Lockhart's latest. Thanks for getting it for me. _Chasing Chupacabra's_ was pretty good."

"Of course, be back soon." Lupin hurried up the stairs, and Tonks watched him go, biting her lip.

"Damn it all, I think I really am falling for you, you big lug," Tonks muttered, shaking her head. At first she'd tried the whole sexy seductress angle to get herself free, but more and more she found she was more interested in actually catching Lupin than escaping. After all, if she did escape, she'd have to turn him in, and somehow she didn't think a werewolf's stay in the ministry holding cells would be half as pleasant as her stay in the Black dungeon.

Oh well. She lay back on the bed, carefully loosening the top two buttons of the shirt. At least it was something entertaining to do. And besides, it would be nice to be the one in a relationship with all the experience for once.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Most people, when they hear a name like Forbidden Forest, have a spark of curiosity and a desire to explore such a place. However, after hearing that this particular Forbidden Forest played home to vampires, giant spiders, demi-werewolves, centaurs with a chip the size of an American Indian Reservation on their shoulders, and now dragons, most sane individuals would find that particular spark of curiosity extinguished. It must say something about our "heroes" that each and every one of them had been in the forest multiple times, and considered it to be more of the Don't-Get-Caught-Going-in-There Forest.

"Well, looks like you're all here then," Charlie said, clapping his hands. "Good to see you again, Hagrid."

"Well, when I heard that there was gonna be a class on carin' fer dragons you knew I was gonna come runnin' Charlie," the enormous game keeper said. "You sure I can't have one of the leftover ones? They're just so cute ya know."

Charlie winked and shook his head. "Not a chance."

"He wouldn't let us have one either," Harry said mournfully, and Luna nodded, gazing wistfully at the baby dragons resting with the four champions.

Hagrid stroked his beard, gazing at Cedric who had two Welsh Greens perched on his shoulders. "Ya know, Cedric. Iffin raisin' two dragons gets ta be too much work fer yeh…"

"Sorry Hagrid, but the Headmaster explicitly forbid me from giving you a dragon," Cedric said apologetically.

Luna opened her mouth and raised a finger, but Cedric cut her off. "And McGonagall told me she'd turn me into a newt if I gave you one Luna."

"You'd get better," Luna grumbled, kicking at the dead leaves under her feet.

"Can we get on with zis, _s'il vous plait?_ " Fleur asked, stroking the head of her Swedish Short Snout. "Gaston and I have much more to do this day. I promised him I would take him fishing in zee lake later on. He does so enjoy zee water."

"Ah! That's a good thing that is. Short Snouts are famous fishermen, and unlike most dragon species they actually enjoy a bit of paddle in the fjords from time to time," Charlie said. "Now, I'll go over the unique aspects with each of your dragon species later with you individually, but for now here's the basics of rearing hatchlings."

Charlie walked the four champions (and Ron, Hagrid, Harry, and Luna, who eagerly assisted with some of the extra hatchlings that had survived Hermione's ocean) through the basics of dragon care, such as checking for dragon pox, what to feed and how often, hide and talon maintenance, and how not to get your hand burned off or your eyes clawed out.

"Gaston would never attempt to bite me, would you _mon tresor_?" Fleur said, scratching the tiny dragon under his chin.

Gaston cooed, blinking his eyes and lashing his tail back and forth.

"Hmph. Speak for yourself," Victor grunted. He batted away his dragon with the back of his hand as the hatchling snapped at him. "Down, Karadzha!"

Fleur sniffed. "If you treat that poor thing so, how can you expect anything but violence from him?"

Victor muttered something in Bulgarian, but Charlie shook his head. "You're both half right actually. Ironbellys are notoriously rough characters, and they're always fighting to see who's top dragon. You have to remind them that you're top dragon frequently. However, a little kindness will go a long way; dragons like people are most impressionable when they are young."

Victor grunted, and roughly petted Karadzha on the head. The dragon accepted such as it's right, then tried to nip at Krum's fingers only for the nimble seeker to easily avoid the attack.

"I think Ramoth and I are getting along famously," Hermione declared, peering at the underside of her dragon's left forelimb. "Ron and I have been reading her Principia Mathematica and chess theory books for bedtime stories. I think she quite likes them."

"Yeah, we'll have her doing algebra and playing Bobby Fischer in no time," Ron declared.

"Who's this Bobby Fischer fellow?" Hagrid asked, placing one of the Peruvian Vipertooths on his shoulder. "Awe, look at the little tyke. He's quite fond o' me I think."

"Still not giving you a dragon," Charlie said without turning around. "And I believe Bobby Fischer is some sort of muggle chess prodigy."

"Only the greatest grandmaster of all time!" Ron declared. "I think I'll have to go play in a muggle chess championship sometime. Hermione's been telling me about the FIDE and I think it's a shame that wizards don't have an international chess championship themselves."

"That I vould be paying money to see," Victor mused. "A Vizard playing chess with palmuk. I vill have to try reading to Karadzha. Perhaps a quidditch book or two."

"You should ask Ginny, I think she has a copy of T _he Victor Krum Story_ she's been wanting signed," Luna said.

Victor snorted. "I vill sign book if Tiny Fierce Vitch asks, but do not like that one. I did not say most of what I said in that book, and the pictures...bah! They must have some glamor charms on them I think, I do not look so good in my own mirror."

"She's got _Jonesing for Quaffles: Gwenog and the Haprpies_ and _Quidditch Through the Ages_ too," Hermione said. "I think the libraries copies are all checked out."

"That vould be better I am thinking," Victor mused. "My own books vere soaked by idiot cephalopod in your lake. I am vondering though, how is salt water creature like giant squid living in fresh water lake?"

"Ah, see, that's because it was charmed by these enterprizin' young lads 'bout 25 years ago," Hagrid explained. "Poor thing can only survive in fresh water now. Ol' Nemo's terrible lonely like. Never met another of his kind since he was a larva."

Cedric whistled, and his two dragons scampered to his side. "Well, as fascinating as squids are, I'm taking Siggy and Linde back to the sett for a nap, they're right knackered. See you around!"

"We'd best be going too," Hermione agreed, cradling the sleeping dragon in her own arms. "I've loads of studying I need to do to keep up in arithmancy."

"Don't worry, I took good notes," Ron said as put his arm around Hermione's shoulders. "And I found a nice empty classroom for us to study in. One Fred and George haven't even found yet."

Fleur turned to Charlie, smiling sweetly at him. "Would you care to come to zee lake wis Gaston and I? I would like to see the proper way to bas a dragon. It is cold zough, and I am worried, could he catch a chill? He is still very small for a dragon, oui?"

Charlie nodded amiably. "Sure, Norberta and I can tag along. She could even heat the water, make it a bit more comfortable for Gaston. Might make a regular steam bath."

Fleur beamed. "Merci, that would be excellent! Ah, and I brought my bathing suit, just in case. I do hope it is not against school rules though. We french, we are a bit more libertine in our attitudes towards swimwear than you english." She eyed Charlie up and down a bit hungrily, her eyes lingering over his well muscled arms and chest. "Would you judge it for me? That is, if it is acceptable or not."

Charlie, bless his soul, nodded and smiled innocently. "Sure, I can do that."

Norberta, for her part, rolled her eyes. She might be a dragon, but she wasn't blind to a veela's tricks.

\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"Ugh, what am I going to do!" Hermione wailed at breakfast a month later. "Professor Dumbledore just told me that their is going to be a Yule Ball! I was already planning on staying at school for the holidays, I doubt very much my parents would approve of my keeping a dragon at home, but this is going to seriously cut into my study time!"

Ron half choked on his bacon, until Harry helpfully pounded his back a few times. "You...you're going to a ball?"

"Yes, didn't you hear me Ron?" Hermione said absently as she tossed a bit of bacon to Ramoth, who eagerly snapped it up. There was now a separate table just for the champions and their dragons (and the Weasleys) set up outside of the Great Hall. Ramoth and Gaston were rather well behaved, but the other three dragons were more than a bit of a handful during meals. "I'll have to get a dress, and spend hours on my hair and makeup...it will ruin at least three days of perfectly good studying time!"

"Oh. Would you like to-" Ron began, but Charlie smacked the back side of his head.

"Not like that you moron. You have to do something special for a ball."

"Zat is true," Fleur agreed, tossing a bit of ham to Gaston who daintily snapped it out of the air. "I look forward to seeing what you come up with, Charles."

Harry glanced at Luna, but she just shrugged. "I don't require anything fancy Harry."

"Well, I'll try and think of something anyway," Harry said, earning approving nods from Hermione and Fleur, and causing Ron to break out in a cold sweat.

Charlie, for his part, had turned bright red. "Do they let non-students attend the ball?" he whispered to Hermione.

"I don't know," Hermione grumbled. "I haven't had time to review that section of the tournament rules just yet. I haven't even figured out what the second task will be!"

"Ve vill race our dragons, I think," Krum said, shoving Karadzha back down, then giving the dragon a rasher of bacon and patting the dragon's head when it accepted it. "They vill be a good size by the spring, I am thinking."

"Yep," Cedric agreed amiably. He had given up on draconic table manners, and was simply tossing bits of meat down to two very large dog bowls he had set out for his greens. "The last one's sure to be some sort of trial by combat. These things always end in that."

"But that's absurd!" Hermione protested. "They're just babies, and we're kids! We can't be expected to fight!"

"Says the woman who has killed half a dozen monsters and battled an equal number of dark wizards," Fleur said, shaking her head. Gaston copied the gesture, and was rewarded with another bit of bacon. "Ooo! Such a clever boy you are!"

"He's an amazing dragon," Charlie said. "Beautiful too." He wasn't looking at Gaston when he said the second part, but Fleur didn't seem to mind.

Later, the Weasley men (and Cedric, who at this point given up on having a social life outside of the Band of the Red Hair, as well as Krum who found his inclusion bemusing if a bit charming) held an emergency meeting.

"Right, as the resident experts on love-" Fred began, when the door banged open.

"No, you're not," Percy declared, striding in and shoving Fred to the back of the room. "Boys, it's time to learn about what love really is and become men."

"Hey, I'm older than you are!" Charlie protested.

Percy gave his older brother a level look. "And which of us is engaged? You seem to only be interested in dragons and women with dragons. From what Ginny has told me, Fleur had to practically scream at you to get your attention."

Charlie sat down, his ears turning as red as his hair as he muttered to himself.

"I am not decided if I should be offended you find me so inept at romance, or amused that you are including me in important family gathering," Victor deadpanned.

"Oh please. Ginny always get's what she wants, and you've had nothing but praises for her since that quidditch game two weeks ago," George said.

"She is little girl! I am four years older than she!" Victor protested.

"Right, which is why you'll be a perfect gentleman at the ball for her," Fred said amiably. "Or you'll find that there are two balls even more important than the snitch."

Cedric snorted, covering his mouth to keep himself from grinning when Victor glared at him. "Oh come off it man. You've told me you find the girls at your school insufferable fan girls, the french girls talentless airheads, and the rest of the girls at hogwarts boring as Ireland's seeker."

"Am villing to admit dearth of good options," Krum admitted. "Still, am not convinced."

"You'll have to do what feels right to you," Percy said, waving his hand. "Now, gentlemen, the first thing you need to learn is that not every girl wants flowers and chocolate all the time. They're nice, and few girls don't appreciate them every time, but I learned the hard way with Penny that their are plenty of things she finds much more enticing. The same will be true of each of your prospective dates."

"We already knew that gov!" Fred shouted, writing notes furiously.

"Yeah, say something witty for once," George agreed, scribblings something on the palm of his hand.

"Uh huh," Percy grunted. "Anyway, you also need to know if she'd prefer something public and flashy, or something more intimate and personal. Penny loves it when I make a big production of bringing her something at the office, because she gets to show it off to all her girl friends. However, some girls would be mortified at the same kind of theatrics."

"Next, which of you know how to dance? Fred, George, put your hands down, you bloody well don't."

"Am I seriously the only one?" Cedric said, looking around at the rest of the boys, his hand the only one in the air."Victor, you surely know how to dance!"

"Am not learning how to dance with red haired beanpole," Krum grumbled.

"No problem, I have an assistant," Percy said, stepping aside and bowing to the door. "My ever lovely bride."

Penelope stepped into the classroom, snapping pictures of Krum and Cedric. Cedric smiled winningly, while Victor glowered. "This will make an excellent piece for the Quibbler! Dancing with the Champions!"

"You're going to let us dance with your girl, Princess?" Fred said.

George batted his eyelashes. "What if we woo the lovely lady away from you?"

"I'm not worried. Penelope doesn't have a thing for idiots who don't bathe frequently," Percy said. Before Fred and George could protest, he produced an ancient gramophone and put it on one of the desks.

Penny smiled and motioned for everyone to stand as Percy took her in his arms. "Now, we'll start with a waltz, the work on some folk dances. Follow what Percy is doing doing, then I'll take turns with each of you to make sure you've got it."

"This is so embarrassing," Ron groaned.

Harry shrugged. "What would be more embarrassing? Having Penny teach us, or tripping over ourselves come the ball?"

Run grunted, and began to waltz with the rest of them.

 _Authors Note:_

 _You know, at some point I think Harry actually stopped being the main character but I'm sort of alright with that. Hail Khalisi!_

 _Also, relax. I have plans for Bill. In fact, he's going to make a guest appearance at some point in the new spin off story,_ _ **Monster Hunters Extraordinaire!**_ _This is the adventures that Lockhart and his "sidekicks" get up to in the meantime. I've already got a chapter up, with more to follow, including one where Bill ends up dragged into an ancient Egyptian Tomb to hunt a deadly prey._

 _Now if only a beautiful and mysterious woman were going along with Lockhart who could tame the heart of a Weasley…._


	26. Chp 26: Hairbrained Schemes

_Chapter 26: Hairbrained Schemes_

"I'm telling you, this is never going to work," Ron hissed, glaring at Harry from behind the twigs and branches of their hideaway.

Harry wiped at his filthy forehead, smearing even more dirt and leaves on it while frowning at Ron. "Look, Hagrid says it's perfectly safe. Thestrals are just misunderstood. They don't actually cause all those horrific deaths, they're just drawn to them."

"Yeah, sure, but even leaving behind the fact we're trying to catch bloody death monsters, they're also bloody INVISIBLE. How are we supposed to catch an invisible horse? A flying invisible horse at that."

"Well, if you hadn't nixed the idea of catching an acromantula to milk for it's silk-"

"Which, somehow, would have made this whole escapade even stupider! Even Hagrid thinks those things are dangerous."

"What?" Harry demanded, looking slightly offended. "He just said that they were a mite frisky!"

Ron rolled his eyes. "In Hagrid speak, a 'mite frisky' is equivalent to 'lethally dangerous.' The man teared up when he told us about Lockhart killing a nundu in Africa for Merlin's sake!"

Just then, the faint sound of jingling bells could be heard, and both boys eyes snapped around to the entrance of the thicket, where several lines had been strung with small bells. One of those lines was shaking now, but nothing was visibly disturbing it. Both boys stopped arguing immediately, their eyes fixing upon the rank carcass of a slaughtered hog in the center of the thicket.

"Shh!" they both said at the same time, ducking lower in their hide and peering out of the hole. The sound of soft footfalls in earth could be seen, then a snorting grunt.

Harry and Ron swallowed and raised their wands, ready to activate the charms that would drop nets from the branches overhead on top of the thestral once it began feeding up on the carcass. The footfalls got closer and close, and Harry grinned widely while Ron closed his eyes and muttered a quick prayer to the quidditch gods that this wouldn't be the time he got killed.

The grass in front of the carcass swayed, and Harry made ready to swish his wand. Suddenly, there was a loud braying, and the sound of pounding hooves, then jingling bells. A moment later, twin bellowing roars filled the thicket and a terrible rush of wind as two green and yellow shapes plummeted out of the sky to begin devouring the hog carcass.

"Oh no!" Harry cried, standing up and looking aghast.

"Thank you," Ron sighed, coming shakily to his feet and looking towards the heavens with a grateful expression on his face.

"Cedric you've ruined everything!" Harry shouted, stomping out of the hide and glaring and the startled Hufflepuff champion who had dismounted from Sigmund's back.

"What? Harry? Ron? What are you two doing in the forbidden forest on a saturday morning?" Cedric demanded, stepping away from his twin feeding dragons.

"We were trying to trap a thestral, obviously," Harry said, waving his arms about wildly. "One was in the thicket, and it was about to feed on the carcass! Look, you're stupid dragons have even ruined our nets!" Harry pointed at the shredded nets, which had been no match for the descending dragons.

Sigmund and Sieglinde had both grown quite a bit, and were both now about the size of a draft horse, though Sieglinde was slightly larger, being female. Their mottled green and yellow hide was cracked and shedding, despite the faint sheen of oil that could be seen upon it. The dragons were growing rapidly, and shedding their skin just as fast. They both snapped over the carcass, until Cedric growled and kicked at them. The dragons bobbed their heads, then grudgingly divided the carcass, with Sieglinde getting the larger portion, and continued eating.

Turning back to Harry and Ron, Cedric frowned at Harry, then spied the look of relief on Ron's face and laughed. "Let me guess, it was Harry's idea to trap a very dangerous beast as part of some hair brained scheme to ask Luna and Hermione to the ball."

"Just Luna," Ron said firmly. "My scheme isn't hairbrained at all."

"You want to ask her using a chess match," Harry said, shaking his head in disgust. "That's hair brained if I ever heard of it."

"Yeah, well, I thought it was better than trying to catch a bloody invisible monster and then getting my girlfriend to ride on it without us both getting eaten," Ron snapped. Harry glared back, and Ron shook his head, turning back to Cedric. "So, who are you asking to the ball?"

Cedric sighed, rubbing the back of his head and glancing at his feasting dragons, who both had gore all over their maws. "Honestly, I've already asked three girls. I thought Cho Chang was interested in me, but apparently I've caught a bad case of the Weasley's and now not a single girl is even remotely interested in coming near me lest they come down with it too. Even the Durmstrang and Beauxbatons students seem to be aware."

"They've all turned down a Hogwarts champion?" Ron asked, looking slightly green.

Cedric laughed. "You've nothing to worry about. No one that I know of has even attempted to ask Hermione, and not only does she like you but she's already got the worse case of the Weasley's I've ever seen." Cedric paused, glancing at Harry who had begun to shimmy up a tree, trying to salvage the nets. "Well, perhaps the second worse. I think most of us forget Harry wasn't born in the Burrow."

"I was born at Saint Mungos, thank you very much," Ron huffed.

With the nets destroyed and Ron managing to convince Harry that it was time to give it up as a bad job, the two boys accepted a ride back to the school atop Sieglinde.

"I guess I'll just have to catch a niffler after all," Harry lamented as they circled the lake for a landing.

"Well at least you're going down to a triple X," Ron muttered.

Harry ran off to Hagrid's to see about acquiring a niffler, while Ron wandered over to Ramoth's enclosure.

"Hey girl, any sign of Hermione?" Ron asked as he jumped over the fence. The barrier was more to keep the occupant safe from visitors than the other way around, though only a few manics would have attempted to enter a dragon enclosure.

Ramoth looked up from the large rock she was sunning herself on. She saw Ron, growled a greeting, then lay back down, unperturbed. Ron got out a large scouring brush and a bucket of mineral oil and began to scrub away the flaking skin from Ramoth's hide. The dragon sighed contentedly as Ron scrubbed, rolling over and exposing her underbelly and spreading her legs so that the all the folds of dead skin could be scoured away.

"You can use magic to do that, you know," a voice said about 10 minutes after Ron had begun.

Ron looked up from his work, wiping sweat from his forehead dispite the chill December air. "Oh, hello Susan. I thought you were avoiding Weasleys." Ron shucked off his jacket, tossing it onto the fence before picking the brush back up.

Susan made a face. "I was. But now everyone's avoiding me. Someone hide my hair dye, and when I got into a fight with Hannah last night she undid my hair dying charm."

Ron glanced over, seeing that Susan's reddish blonde hair was it's natural color underneath her woolen cap. "Too bad. By the way, you can't use a scouring charm on a dragon. They're magic resistant. Any spell strong enough to scrub their hide would flay it right off of them."

Ramoth opened one eye and glared at Ron, shooting out a small gout of flame and lashing her tail back and forth slightly.

"Oh calm down, I wasn't going to actually do it," Ron grumbled. He glanced back at Susan, who was looking wistfully at the dragon. "You can come help if you want, I promise I don't have any plans on inducting you into Gryffindor or something."

"Too bad, I could use a date to the Ball," Susan muttered. But she came over the fence anyway, picking up a brush and cautiously inching her way towards Ramoth.

For the golden bronze dragon's part, she simply extended a leg towards Susan, continuing to bask in the sun.

"You know, Cedric can't find a date to the ball," Ron said after a few minutes of scrubbing. "I'm sure he'd be willing to take you, red hair and all."

Susan paused, her eyes going slightly wide. "But...but he's half a Weasley already!"

Ron shrugged. "Kinda. We're not exactly going to baptise him in pumpkin juice anytime soon, but he's certainly fallen in with us along with the rest of the champions. Probably because we're the only ones crazy enough to hang out with a bunch of dragon riders."

Pausing in her scrubbing, Susan looked up at Ron with a considering look. This prompted Ramoth to open one eye and nudge Susan insistently with her leg.

Susan let out a squeak, and Ron smacked Ramoth underbelly with the wooden brush head. "Oy, knock that off! She's under no obligation to help you ya great overgrown lizard."

"I um, I think I'll go see what Cedric's up to," Susan said, quickly scrubbing the leg free of excess skin before running off towards the Welsh green enclosure.

Ron smiled to himself and turned back to his work, only to be interrupted moments later by someone wrapping their arms around his back.

"That was very sweet of you, Ronald."

Ron flushed, almost dropping his brush and turning his head half around to find Hermione's wispy hair floating around his neck.

"Well, you know, she and Cedric really could use a date," Ron sputtered.

"They're not the only ones," Hermione giggled. Then she reached into her pocket and pulled out a large red queen chess piece. She tapped it and out came a small folded note from. Written in Ron's cramped handwriting was "d8 to e8, d8/e8 to Champions Ball?"

Hermione spun Ron about and kissed him passionately. After a quite a while, they both came up for air gasping.

"I take it you accept then?" Ron said somewhat dazedly.

"I do," Hermione said, glancing over at Ramoth. "Provided my chaperone approves."

Ramoth didn't even open an eye, twining her tail around both Ron and Hermione and drawing them close together while covering them with one wing.

"I think she approves," Ron said, wrapping his arms around Hermione's waist and squeezing.

"Well, perhaps we should take advantage of her approval then," Hermione said, standing on tiptoe to whisper in Ron's ear.

Ramoth turned her head away, ignoring the laughter and noises coming from under her wing. Whatever made her rider and her mate happy, made Ramoth happy. Now if only they would get over the courtship rituals and get to the actual mating! Humans.

Over at Hagrid's hut, Harry was squatting down in front of a hatch of Nifflers.

"Now, I need you lot to pay careful attention." Harry held out a sack of coins, shaking it and making them click together. The nifflers followed every motion of the bag raptly, their eyes and heads moving up and down in perfect mirrors of each motion of the treasure. "I'm offering this to whichever one of you is willing to deliver this for me." Harry held out a large envelope sealed with red wax, "while wearing this." Harry reached around his back and brought out a tiny sailor uniform, complete with necktie, which he held out along with the envolope.

The nifflers eyed the sailor's uniform distastefully, but their gazes soon snapped back to the bag of coins.

Slowly, Harry set down the sailor's uniform on the front of the hutch, then reached into the bag and produced a galleon, it's surface glinting in the dim light of the rapidly setting northern sun. He then showed the rest of hte contents of the bag to the nifflers. There was silver, bronze, and even a few gemstones in there.

The nifflers rubbed their hands greedily, but then looked at the sailors uniform again, and made various faces of disgust, along with retching noises.

"Oh come off it, it's not that bad. Besides, it's for Luna. You all like her, don't you? She did bring you all that leftover tinsel after all."

The nifflers all glanced at the back of their hutch, which was decorated with a large amount of silver and gold tinsel.

They sighed, then the largest waddled over to one of the smaller nifflers and slapped him on the back, pointing with its nose at the sailor uniform. The smaller niffler squeaked in protest, but the other nifflers shook their heads and pointed their noses at the bag of coins Harry was holding.

The smallest niffler looked at its hutch mates, looked at the sailor uniform, then looked at the bag. With a heavy sigh, it dropped to all fours and waddled forward, it's fur bristling.

"We have a volunteer!" Harry crowed. He opened the hutch and scooped out the smallest niffler, setting it down in front of the sailor uniform and handing it a bronze knut. "You'll get the lion's share, I promise."

Closing its eyes and rubbing the coin, then niffler nodded, then set the coin down and held out its small forelimbs, a look of resignation on it's face.

That night at dinner, everyone's eyes were on Susan Bones, who had abandoned her seat at Hufflepuff with Justin (who was split between looking jealous and relieved), and was now sitting next to Cedric Diggory at the Weasley table in the back. For her part, Professor McGonagall was too busy pouring for a panicking Pomona Sprout and herself to pay much attention.

"First it was Cedric, but he's always been an adventurous sort," Professor Sprout was saying, pausing to take a long swallow of firewhiskey before continuing, "but Susan's always kept her head down and her nose clean. Why, she was even dying her hair blonde! I thought it wasn't dangerous anymore!"

"One never knows when and where the Weasley's will strike next," Snape said, his dark eyes sparkling with some hidden emotion. "None of the rest of your houses are safe."

"What do you mean by that?" Flitwick asked, pausing with a fork loaded with beans halfway to his mouth.

Snape shrugged. "It is obvious, is it not? While the Weaselys may plunder the rest of you, they would never stoop so low as to come after a Slytherin."

McGonagall's eyes lit with a sudden understanding. "So, the more of the school that is in Slytherin…"

"The more that are safe," Snape said, taking a dainty sip of pumpkin juice.

"Where is that Hat?" McGonagall mused, half standing and looking around. Before Dumbledore could protest, there was a shriek from one of the Gryffindor first years.

All eyes snapped around as the girl batted a small furry shape away from her. "It took my necklace!" she wailed.

In a flash, Harry was there, snatching the silver locket away and glaring at the culprit. "Stick to the script, or no gold for you!" he warned, wagging a finger.

The niffler stood up on its hindquarters, nonchalantly smoothing its fur and flicking imaginary dust off of the blue sailor's uniform before nodding at Harry and hopping off the table. Harry shoved an envelope at it, then hurried back to the Weasley table to sit next to Luna.

"Hagrid, why is there a niffler in the Great Hall?" Dumbledore asked mildly, taking the flask of fire whiskey away from the other professors while they were still too stunned by the appearance of the niffler to protest.

"Oh, he's 'ere to help Harry out wit a little somethin', headmaster," Hagrid answered.

Nodding as if that was normal, Dumbledore made a flicking motion at the niffler. "Proceed then, but do know that Mr. Flitch has a most accurate record of all the candlesticks in the great hall."

The niffler sighed and reached into its pouch, withdrawing two candlesticks and setting them on the floor before turning back towards Weasley table.

"A very accurate record," Flich growled. "And of the silverware."

Looking very put out, the niffler glared at Filch, upending its pouch so that two more candlesticks and a dozen sets of silverware spilled out. It plucked a knut out from the pile, pointed at itself, then shoved it back into its pouch before stalking towards the Weasley table.

Upon reaching the table, the niffler scrambled up onto the bench next to Luna, and held out the envelope.

Luna gasped, grabbing the niffler and hugging it tightly. "Oh, it is just too cute! Oh Ginny, look, isn't he darling!" Luna held out the niffler, who tried to crawl up her robe sleave and find a corner to curl up and die of embarassment in.

Ginny put a hand to her mouth to stifle a giggle, looking over at an anxious looking Harry. "Oh, it looks like something alright, Ginny."

"Do not be obtuse, Ginerva," Fleur said, putting a hand to her chest. "The creature is adorable. Zis has to be zhe cutest thing I have seen in England. Do you not agree, Charles?"

Charlie squinted at the niffler, then at Harry, then looked back and Fleur and flushed. "Not a patch on you though."

Fleur sighed again and giggled, snuggling up to Charlie.

"He um, he looks like he has a letter," Harry stammered.

Luna nodded, setting the niffler down on the table to open the envelope. The niffler promptly ran to Harry, grabbed the bag of coins, ripped off its uniform, and ran from the hall, losing sickles and knuts as it scampered away.

As Luna scanned the letter, Harry had to fight the urge to bite his nails down to the nubs. It seemed to take forever, but finally Luna looked up, her face glowing. "Of course I will, Harry!"

Harry let out a sigh of relief as Luna hugged him, ignoring the cat calls from his brothers.

From the high table, Percy clapped the loudest, grinning at his brothers from the Ministry representative's chair. "Good show Harry, Ron. Now you twin idiots better get a move on!" Percy shouted.

Fred and George glared first at Percy, then at Harry. "Well, if someone hadn't stolen our thunder," Fred grumbled.

George nodded. "Guess we'll just have to make our own then."

The twins threw up two bottles that glowed with in inner blue light, then waved their wands and shattered them.

McGonagall stood up, leaping onto the high table. "Don't you two dare! I'll-"

She was cut off as lighting flashed through the hall, striking the top of her pointed hat. With a wail, McGonagall topped back, thankfully caught by Dumbledore's quick wand reflexes.

"Sorry about that!" Fred called.

"It's mostly harmless, just a shock!" George added.

Once more, lightning flashed, and then the amid the shrieks of terror, arcing bolts of energy formed the words, "Angelina, Alicia, go with us to the Ball?"

"Oh, that's pretty good," Moody growled, admiring the lightning as it faded. "Nice charms work there, eh Filius?"

Flitwick, for his part, had taken the bottle back from Dumbledore and was chugging it. He made several grunts, but if they were affirmative or negative, no one could tell.

Angelina and Alicia both laughed and stood. "Well go with you if you ever get out of detention!"

Dazedly, McGonagall got back to her feet. "Well, that settles that! Those two are-"

"-going to show you charming young ladies the time of your lives," Dumbledore finished. "And I agree, Alastor. Most impressive charms work."

 _Authors Note:_

 _Hey there! Long time, no post, I know. I'm afraid I had a bought of a rather nasty reoccurring illness of mine. Thankfully, this time I did not require surgery and things passed of their own (painful) accord. Sadly there is little myself or anyone else can do to alleviate this illness, and it will strike again in the future. IT's over for now, and usually I have a long respite between episodes. I'm getting back to writing now, but expect a bit more of a delay for a while as I build up chapters both for this story and the sequel to Iron Lady I am hard at work on._


	27. Chp 27: Christmas in Azkaban

_Chapter 27: Christmas in Azkaban_

Cursing under his breath, Sirius picked his way up the stairs to the Headmaster's office. "Bloody pegleg. I would get stuck as a cripple. How the hell does the old git handle this all the time? I hope he's bloody well having fun, wherever the old coot is. Eggnog! Ergh, and the stump aches all the bloody time too. Bah! I can't stand this."

Sirius banged the door open, and Dumbledore looked up, his eyes twinkling until he saw the sour expression on Sirius' face. "Ah. I take it your meeting with Voldemort did not go well?"

Slamming the door shut, Sirius flopped into a chair without waiting for an invitation. "Oh, no, it went fine. He's very pleased with my work. But I have a bigger problem now."

"Well, the polyjuiced form can be a bit taxing. Why not take a few days off back at Grimmauld place? That should brighten your mood. Candy cane?"

"Yeah, thanks." Sirius grabbed a cane and popped it into his mouth, sucking noisily for a moment while glaring at the headmaster, who leaned back and regarded his spy patiently.

Just then, there was the sound of pounding steps, and Snape burst in, a wicked grin on his lips. "Headmaster, you will not believe what- ah. I see he is here already. Tell me, has he told you?"

"Shut it, Snivellus," Sirius growled, crossing his arms over his chest and sliding down in his chair.

Dumbledore looked back and forth between his two spies. Snape looked like cat who caught the canary, while Sirius looked like a dog that had been caught stealing bacon. "Well, will one of you please inform me of just what, exactly, our foe plans to do now?"

"If you do not desire to inform the headmaster, I will do so gladly," Snape said silkily, gliding over to a chair and sitting in it, his graceful composure a stark contrast to Black's.

Black glared at Snape, his magical eye spinning wildly until he slapped at it. "Bloody thing. Fine! I'll tell him." With a heavy sigh, Sirius turned to Dumbledore. "The Dark Lord wanted to know what I was planning on getting him for Christmas, and informed me that he wanted me to spend Christmas with him, which in case you didn't know is in two days."

Dumbledore blinked, then looked at Snape, who was practically leering at Black.

"Oh, that's not all he said, was it, you dog?" Snape said, his voice a smooth poison.

Frowning, Dumbledore began, "I don't-"

"He want's me to take him to the bloody Death Eater Yule Ball at the Malfoys!" Sirius exploded, trying to leap to his feat. Instead, he tripped over his peg leg and smacked his chin onto Dumbledore's desk, collapsing in a heap on the floor.

"Black was practically ordered to be the Dark Lord's date," Snape said, his fingers drumming together twice before the potions master quickly grasped his hands together.

Dumbledore peered over his desk at the moaning Black. "Did he really?"

"Yes," Black said shakily, "But he told me not to show up as Moody. Said I was far too ugly that way. Wanted me looking 'like a real dashing Death Eater.'"

"Voldemort said that?" Dumbledore demanded, sounding incredulous.

"Well, I think he only did it because Quirrell made him," Black groaned, crawling back into his chair.

"He threatened to keep humming that theme to the muggle TV show that wretched squid has been watching ever since this idiot and the twin terrors tried to sink Igor's boat," Snape said. "Just desserts, I say."

Dumbledore's forehead wrinkled. "But this has nothing to do with Voldemort's plans! We know he desires to harvest the blood of the Triwizard Champion, probably Ms. Granger-Weasley, and that he intends to start a new reign of terror! He's been martialing his Death Eaters according to your reports. This...this is nothing like his normal behavior."

"There is nothing normal about that man's behavior," Black growled. "He's a man, Quirrel is a man, and I'm a man. This whole thing is stupid! We're not even remotely interested in one another, we're the wrong gender!"

Dumbledore looked taken aback. "My dear Sirius, can not to men feel a fondness, perhaps even a love for one another?"

Sirius gave Dumbledore an incredulous look, which while he was wearing Moody's lopsided face was rather spectacular.

"Clearly, you and the Dark Lord are so starved for female companionship there is nothing left but for the two of you to take solace in one another," Snape drawled, fighting back a cheshire grin.

Black's head snapped around. "What did you say?"

"That you and the Dark Lord should accept fate, and become-"

"No, the bit before that."

"The lack of female companionship?" Snape said, raising an eyebrow. "Considering your manners and his reputation, it's hardly surprising."

"Females. Death Eaters," Sirius muttered. He abruptly stood. "I've got to go."

He hobbled off, cursing and thumping as he descended the stairs.

Dumbledore sat with an odd expression for a moment, then cleared his throat and turned to Snape. "You know, I am starting to think that perhaps Voldemort is not the threat to our very existence I once thought he was."

Snape shrugged. "Oh, he's still plenty dangerous. But as long as he's trapped in that idiot Quirrell who is more obsessed with setting him up with Black than becoming the Dark Master of Britain, we'll all be safe."

"One can only hope," Dumbledore said.

Down in the lower part of the castle, one of the abandoned classrooms had been turned into an impromptu ball room slash dressing chamber. Inside was chaos, as the Weasley boys (and Victor and Cedric) prepared for the fateful evening.

"I"m still rubbish at this," Charlie muttered as he attempted to Waltz with an invisible partner. "I've two left feet. Fleur is going to kill me if I step all over her dress! Or Gaston will!"

"At least your dress robe looks halfway decent!" Ron half shrieked, looking down at his lacy motheaten robe. "Mine's a hundred years out of date!"

"Oh it's not so bad," Cedric said, hiding a grin behind his hand.

"Really?" Ron asked, his voice pleading.

Victor nodded solemnly. "Yes, is only fifty years out of date. Not vone hundred."

Ron groaned and put his head in his hands.

Just then, the door banged open and Harry stumbled in under the weight he was carrying. "They're here!"

"Oh thank sweet Merlin," Ron groaned, and hurried over to grab the new dress robes from Harry. "You're sure these are the latest fashion?"

"How should I know?" Harry demanded. "I just got what was in the magazine."

Percy strode over and lifted up one of the dress robes, then nodded. "These are very good, imported chinese silk it looks like. Harry, these must have cost a king's ransom!"

"Eh, they're your Christmas gifts. Oh! Cedric, Victor, Charlie, I got cravats for you."

"Thanks Harry, you're a lifesaver," the twins declared, hurriedly snatching up their robes. "Hey! Ours are identical!"

Harry grinned at them. "Wouldn't want Gred and Forge to get their dates mixed up now would we!"

"Never!" the twins laughed.

From the open door behind Harry, the thump bang of a one legged man sprinting down the hall could be heard. Professor "Moody" appeared in the door, wheezing and gasping. "You two, detention. Now."

"What? But we didn't even do anything!" Fred said.

Georged glanced at his watch. "Yet."

"No time," Sirius wheezed. "Come. Detention. Now."

The twins brightened. "Ah, that kind of detention!"

"But you're not ready for the Ball and it's in two evenings!" Percy shouted at their retreating forms.

"We've got 52 hours guv, we're fine!" George shouted as the twins followed after Moody.

Percy shook his head. "They never learn."

After the twins and "Moody" had gone a few paces down the corridor, and the poor man had caught his breath, Black halted and turned around. "I need your help," he said, looking the twins up and down.

"We got that," Fred said.

George nodded. "What sort of prank? None at the Ball, mind, Angelina and Alicia will have our twins in a vice if we cock up their night."

"We'd like to try a different way later though," Fred added.

"Not that!" Black hissed, waving his arms. "I need your help breaking back into Azkaban!"

That brought Fred and George up short. "You want…"

"...to go back to prison?"

"For Christmas?"

"No, we definitely need to be in and out before this evening. Or at the latest, before Christmas Eve morning," Black declared.

Fred and George frowned at each other, then looked back at Black and crossed their arms.

"Sounds like an epic prank."

"But you'd need a brilliant plan to pull it off."

Black rolled his eye while the magical one spun about. "Please. I'm a marauder. If it is a prank, you'd best believe I've got a plan for it." Hurriedly, he began to explain. As he did, Fred and George stopped frowning, and started grinning.

Up in her quarters, McGonagall felt a chill go down her spine. Carefully, she withdrew a bottle of firewhiskey, and a calming draught. She poured both in a large mug, then downed the whole thing. With a sigh, she hitched up her skirts, then started to go Weasley hunting.

\/\\\/\/\\\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\\\/

"Merry almost Christmas!" Lupin called, hurrying down the stairs with a mug of hot coco in each hand. He swore softly as a bit from one mug sloshed out and spilt on his wrist, burning him slightly. He looked down as he descended the last few steps, trying to steady the mugs.

"Merry Christmas," a voice purred in a deep, husky tone. "Have you been a good boy?"

Lupin looked up, and the hot coco began to slop all over his wrists as his hands shook. He didn't notice though.

"Uhbaduh," Lupin said.

Tonks lifted her leg, striking a pin up pose as she leaned up against the bed frame, arching her back. She looked up, staring meaningfully at the mistletoe she'd gotten Kreature to hang for her in the cell, then looked back at Lupin, who was still goggling at her as hot coco sloshed onto the floor. "Santa's feeling very naughty. You going to help me check my list?"

Lupin tried to come up with something to say, but managed only, "That's not the normal Father Christmas outfit."

Tonks was indeed dressed not as Father Christmas, but as Santa, or at least a version of the traditional red suit. This was closer to a two piece bathing suit however, and while it was still made of red velvet with white fur trim, there was so little of it that it left her legs and abdomen exposed. She frowned at Lupin. "Why don't you set those mugs down and open that cell door and let yourself inside? I've got a Christmas wish I'd like to grant."

Lupin swallowed, and carefully set the mugs on a nearby table as he slowly walked forward. "How'd you know what my Christmas wish was?"

"Ha! What makes you think it was your wish I was talking about?" Tonks demanded, edging over to the bed.

With trembling hands, Lupin fished out the key, then opened the cell door, shutting it behind he. He walked forward into Tonks waiting embrace, wrapping himself around her and losing himself in her lips under the mistletoe. The two lovers were lost to the world, as for the first time they gave in to their passions.

Until the camera flash went off, that is.

"Wow. If all the aurors in Azkaban are dressed up like that-"

"-book us now, because we'd like to spend the rest of our lives in prison!"

Tonks let out a shriek and covered herself with a blanket as Lupin sprang to his feet with a shout, only for his coco soaked shoes to slip on the damp dungeon floor and send him sprawling.

"What are you doing here!" Tonks hissed as Sirius Black stepped forward, handing the camera over to the leering twin teens with him. "You've ruined everything!"

"I'll just be a moment," Sirius promised. He reached down and plucked a hair from Tonks and Lupin's heads, causing Lupin to moan and Tonks to slap him.

"Thanks it, we'll leave you to it!" Black said, stepping back out of the cell and hurrying up the stairs. "Come on you two, we have no time!"

"Have a Merry Christmas Professor!" Fred called as he fled.

"Don't forget that wonderful charm Madam Pomfrey showed us in fourth year!" George added before he too departed.

Tonks stared wide eyed at the sound of the retreating footsteps, before lowering the blanket and peering over the edge of the bed at Lupin. "What was that all about?"

"I don't know, and I don't want to know," Lupin groaned.

Tonks frowned, looking back up at the stairs. "Think they'll be back?"

"I doubt it," Lupin said, moaning as he hauled himself up and onto the bed beside Tonks. "That smacked of a prank, and not one on us for all the help that is. He always was a moment killer"

Tonks tapped her lips with one finger, then shrugged and snuggled up to Lupin. "My moment wasn't completely killed, you know."

Despite his pains, Lupin found himself grinning.

/\\\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/

"You know, for your ugly cousin-"

"-she was a pretty fit bird."

Black grunted as he plunged the hairs into the vials of poly juice. "You should see the one we're going to pay a visit to now."

"She even fitter?"

"She's Bellatrix Lestrange. She's a married woman," Sirius growled, looking up at Fred and George. "But if you want to make a pass at her, be my guess. I'll pick up the pieces of you later."

"No thanks, we're good!"

Eying the bubbling vials, Black nodded. "Suit yourself. Here, drink up. We need to get moving."

Fred and George accepted the vials, eyeing them suspiciously. "Which one has the girl's hair in it?"

Black frowned. "I actually don't know, I forget which I put in which."

"I don't want to be the girl," Fred declared, thrusting his vial at George.

George glared at him and stepped back. "How do you know mine's not got her hair in it? I don't want to be the bird either."

"Because you're the lucky one," Fred said. "Now hand it over, I'm the oldest."

"By all of twelve minutes!"

Black groaned. "Look, just drink. Even I don't know who has which one. We have to hurry, we're running out of time."

Fred and George paused, then looked up at Black. "Say, why do we need to bust your cousin out of Azkaban anyway? Family reunion or something?"

"Something like that," Black agreed. "Let's just say if you do this, I'll pay you each of you 500 galleons."

Fred looked down at his vial, a thoughtful expression on his face. "I'd be a girl for an hour for 500 galleons."

"Me too," George admitted.

"Plus, this is basically the most brilliant prank ever," they chorused, then downed the vials.

\/\\\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Snow flurried on a wind straight from the heart of winter as dark waves crashed against hard stone. Azkaban Prison was a miserable place even during the best time of the year, and this was far from that. The inmates shivered in their cells, even their nightmares an escape from the wretched misery they found themselves in. The few aurors on duty shivered in their heavy robes as they huddled over a small fire in the guard room, bemoaning their fate.

"I would draw duty on Christmas Eve," Auror Dawlish grumbled as he stomped his feet, trying to find warmth somehow.

"At least you don't have it tomorrow," Kingsley Shacklebolt said, shivering as he held his hands over the flames. "I'm on for the next 24 hours."

"Thank Merlin for small mercies," Dawlish grumbled.

Just then, there was a knock at the door, and both men looked up.

"You expecting anyone?" Shacklebolt asked, drawing his wand as he stood.

Dawlish shook his head. "No, Savage isn't supposed to be here for four hours, and you know he wouldn't turn up early. No one ever does."

Kingsley nodded, and waited for Dawlish to draw his wand before edging to the door and opening the flap.

"Who is it?"

"Kingsley you git, open the bloody door before I freeze my tits off!"

Kingsley peered out into the darkness, then gasped and stepped back, flinging the door open. "Tonks!?"

Into the door two shackled men with bags over their head stumbled, behind them was a hooded woman with a drawn wand. "In the flesh, no thanks to you or any of the other idiots in the department. So why don't you help a girl out and get these two idiots booked so I can head back home and prove I'm alive just in time for Christmas?"

"Tonks? But we all thought you were dead!" Dawlish said, not lowering his wand. "How do we know it's you?"

The woman reached up and flung back her hood, revealing hair that was shifting through a rainbow of colors. She also held her breath, and her ears grew to twice their normal size before she tugged her hood back on. "That good enough for you?"

Kingsley laughed and hugged Tonks, who squawked in protest. "It is you! It's a Christmas Miracle! Almost worth being on duty to see you alive again."

"Put me down! I'm an auror, not a doll! Thanks. Now, let's get these two in a cell already."

Seeing that it was Tonks, Dawlish turned his wand on the two shackled men. "Who are these two then?"

"Behold!" Tonks whipped off the bags, revealing to sour faced men with haggard expressions. "Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin. Two Death Eaters, one awesome auror."

"The top of our most wanted list," Kingsley breathed. He looked at Tonks in awe. "How did you capture them?"

"It wasn't easy, let me tell you. I had to seduce the werewolf and use his wand to capture my idiot cousin. Still, all in a day's work for a wonder auror like me."

"Incredible." Dawlish shook his head, then opened the trapdoor. "Right, you and Kingsley put them in a nice cozy cell, and I'll call the Ministry."

"Just get started on the paperwork," Tonks declared. "I want to surprise them with my incredible feats of daring."

Dawlish shrugged. "Fine. No one is likely to be there at this hour anyway."

"Come on Tonks, I want to hear details," Kingsley said as he herded Lupin and Black down into the cell block.

"Hey, what's the password?" Tonks demanded before she followed.

"Merry Bloody Christmas," Dawlish said, closing the door behind them.

Kingsley chuckled as he poked Black in the back with his wand to urge him forward. "Never thought you'd be back here, did you you bastard?"

"Oh, I don't know, it almost feels like home," Black said airily before stepping forward, Lupin at his side.

Kingsley frowned, the light tone of the prisoner unexpected. He glanced over at Tonks, whose hood had fallen back off as she descended the stairs. "You'd think he'd be less sanguine about returning to this hellhole. Hey, why is your hair still going, and how come you didn't change your ears back?"

"Rainbow toffees last an hour, and Earnormous Drops last for two," Tonks said.

Kingsley frowned, continuing to follow the prisoners as they headed deeper into the depths of the prison.

"What?"

"Sorry, what I meant was, _stupify_!"

Kingsley slumped to the floor, and the clatter of metal on stone could be heard as 'Lupin' and Black cast off their shackles.

"Nice," Black said, snatching up Kingsley's wand. "Come on, I think I remember which one is cousin Bella's."

For many long years, Bellatrix Lestrange had only one thought that had kept her from slipping completely into madness. One day, her master would come for her, and she would be free once more. Still, that hope had worn thin as the years wore on and she continued to rot in prison with no sign of the Dark Lord's return.

But then, a new rumor had started amidst the guards, whose voices Bellatrix had heard in her nightmares, waking and sleeping. A Death Eater had escaped Azkaban and rejoined his master, and had begun to start a new wave of Darkness across the land. Bellatrix had felt hope again, until she had heard the name of said "Death Eater." Sirius Black.

"He was not one of us," Bellatrix had wailed. "He was a fool, a puppet of that old geezer and his school!"

Now Bellatrix was ready to die, to give up hope completely and let the dementors siphon off the last of her strength and will. She lay in her cell, her body decaying even as she drew in ragged breaths.

"Psst. Hey, Bella, get up! We need to go, your 'snookums' needs a date tomorrow night, and it ain't gonna be me."

Bellatrix raised her head, seeing the form of her blood traitor cousin in the open doorway of her cell. "Go away!" she wailed at the apparition. "I do not wish to see your face!"

"Wow. Ouch. I mean, I'm not that ugly. Not unless I'm juiced up as Peg Leg anyway. Come on, get up. We've got to get you out of here. Ugh, look, Voldemort wants you for-"

"Do not speak the Dark Lord's name!" Bellatrix hissed, coming to feet and stumbling forward. She clawed at the specter with ragged fingernails, only to have her hand caught in a strong grip.

"Look, I've got special permissions as the Dark Lord's 'date' to call him by name. Tell you what, you snuggle up to him, you can call him Voldemort, or sugar, or sweetums, or whatever the bloody hell you want. I just want out of this relationship."

Bellatrix blinked, ignoring the babbling voice and gazing at her hand, which was still in a tight grip. "You...you're real."

"I am so happy to see that your powers of observation are as astute as ever, Bella. Come on, we need to make with the escaping."

Tears filled Bellatrix's eyes as she gazed up at Sirius. "You...you really do serve the Dark Lord?'

"Yeah, sure, let's go with that. Everyone else has."

Sobbing, Bellatrix flung her arms around her cousin and squeezed him as tightly as her atrophied muscles would allow. "I knew our Master would not abandon us! He has returned, and he calls for his faithful!"

"Yeah, that's it exactly. Come on, let's go."

Bellatrix walked out of her cell in a daze, the whole experience not seeming real. She gazed at the dark stone, and looked down the passage, suddenly stopping as her eyes widened. "Andromeda? You...you are one of us too? Have you killed your filthy mudblood husband?"

The woman, who looked remarkably like her sister, looked at her in puzzlement. "What? No. I'm Fred We-I mean, Tonks. Nymphadora Tonks."

"Ah. Her spawn then. Still, if you have sworn yourself to the Dark Lord, that is acceptable. Who is this?" Bellatrix asked, pointing at the man standing at the end of the passage. " I do not know him."

"Remus Lupin," Black supplied. "My minion. He's a werewolf."

"Ah, excellent minion material then," Bellatrix said eagerly.

"He's also snogging me," Tonks said dryly, looking down the passage with an odd expression on her face. The man, for his part, laughed out loud.

Bellatrix shuddered. "WIth your filthy heritage, it does not surprise me. Still, I suppose you are both acceptable minions."

"Yep, they're the best minions around. Come on, let's go," Black said urgently.

Bellatrix began to follow, but then stopped. "Where are the others?"

"Others?" Black said, sounding confused. "What others?"

"The other servants of our Master!" Bellatrix reached out and grabbed the wand from Sirius, stumbling down the passage as she unlocked doors with a wave of the wand. "Servants of the Dark Lord, come forth! Your Master calls for you!"

Behind her, Bellatrix did not see the expression on Sirius Black's face, or hear what he had to say.

"Oh. Bugger."

 _Authors Note:_

 _DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN._


	28. Chp 28: How Sirius Black Stole Christmas

_Chapter 28: How Sirius Black Stole Christmas_

Humming happily to herself, Luna hurried to her spot at the Weasley table and smiled at Fred and George, who were the only others up this early not with the dragons. "Good morning!"

"Hi," Fred said dully, staring off into space.

George just nodded feebly.

Luna paused, a scone halfway onto her plate. She set her food down, and studied her adoptive siblings. They looked drawn and haggard, their eyes sunken with dark rings and their skin pale as a sheet.

"Are you quite alright?" Luna asked, standing up to peer at them more closely. "Did a tidehollow sculler sneak into your thoughts last night? You weren't home before the rest of us went to bed."

"No," Fred rasped.

George shook his head, tears in his eyes, silent for once.

Luna pursed her lips. "I'm getting madam Pomfrey. You two look awful."

"Don't!" Fred said, gripping Luna's wrist in a tight fist.

George nodded, his eyes pleading.

Luna slowly nodded. "Fine, but you have to tell me why-"

George pointed to the owls, who were flying in with the mail. One deposited a paper onto the table, and then hooted for bacon.

Luna absently used her free hand to toss the owl a sausage, then picked up the paper. Her jaw dropped.

 **AZKABAN EMPTIED: DEATH EATERS ESCAPE IN MASS THANKS TO SIRIUS BLACK, REMUS LUPIN, NYMPHADORA TONKS**

Below that was another story.

 **TRAITOR IN THE RANKS: HOW NYMPHADORA TONKS BETRAYED THE MINISTRY TO ITS DOOM**

"But I thought Mr. Black was here," Luna hissed, looking up at the high table. "Or is that actually Moody?"

"No, that's Sirius," Fred said, shaking his head.

"Then it all has to be a lie, how could-"

"He did it," George said, speaking for the first time. "We know. We were there."

Now Luna really was confused. "How could you? The paper said it was Professor Lupin and Ms. Tonks."

Fred winced. "We um, we were sort of polyjuiced as them."

Luna stepped back, shocked. "You were what? You… you were polyjuiced as a woman? Can that even happen?"

Fred and George grimaced, shared a look, then sighed and nodded. "Yeah. It can."

"Mum is going to crucify us."

Luna sat down, feeling slightly dazed. She looked at Fred and George for a long moment, then shook her head and sighed. "You can't tell anyone. Not even the others."

"But we-"

"No buts," Luna said firmly. "You weren't there. It didn't happen. You're family, and I'm not losing any more family. If anyone asks, I'll cover for you. I was out late having the nifflers help me finish my dress, and you two can say you were with me."

George shifted uncomfortably. "Thanks, Luna, but we-"

"What did I say?" Luna demanded, planting her hands on her hips. "You sound like a sculler really did scramble your brains. No buts. The Weasley's stick together."

Fred and George reluctantly nodded. "Thanks, Luna."

 _One hour earlier_

Lupin came slowly awake, stretching and yawning. He didn't get up though, instead he rolled over onto his side, and gazed at the woman next to him. Tonks was snoring softly, her hair lightening and darkening as she breathed in and out. Lupin grinned, unable to believe his luck. Someone really did love him. He'd thought he'd die alone, but instead fate had brought him the most wonderful woman in the world. Life couldn't get any better.

After a few minutes, Tonks' eyes fluttered open.

"Hey, beautiful," Remus said, stroking her cheek. "Merry Christmas Eve."

Tonks smiled back, snuggling up to Lupin. "Merry Christmas. I'm glad I let you talk me out of that cell. That bed was just too small."

"It was time."

They lay together quietly for a long moment, until Lupin sighed. "So, now what? You're not really a prisoner anymore."

"No," Tonks said, shaking her head. "I don't know what. But we'll do it together, OK? Maybe I'll join with you, be Dumbledore's spy in the aurors. Or maybe I'll just stay here. I can do some wicked disguises, go out on secret missions."

"Either way, I'm just glad I have you," Lupin said.

There was a loud and insistent knock at the door, and Lupin groaned and sat up. "What do you want, Sirius?"

"Where's Tonks?" Sirius' panicked voice demanded. "And open up, we need to talk, now!"

"I'm in here, you moron," Tonks called, climbing out of bed and beginning to get dressed.

The pounding stopped for a moment, then resumed. "Oh sweet Merlin, open up, I need to talk to you both, hurry up, the others will be up soon!"

Tonks paused, and she and Lupin shared a puzzled look. Others?

After a minute, they opened the door and a haggard looking Sirius stumbled in.

Tonks swallowed and said, "Save the ugly cousin jokes I-"

"Look, we haven't got a lot of time," Sirius said, talking right over her and glancing over his shoulder. "But I just screwed up in the worst way possible. Here's what you need to know."

Lupin shook his head and put his arm protectively around Tonks shoulders. "Tonks and I are happy. It wasn't a mistake, and if you try to-"

"I don't care about that!" Sirius hissed. "Yay, you've been laid, you're not a virgin anymore. Rah rah. Now sit down, shut up, and kill me once I finish explaining so they don't kill YOU when they wake up!"

A short time later, Tonks and Lupin held hands as they dazedly walked down the stairs. Mutterings and manic laughter could be heard from the dining room, along with a terrible caterwauling that reminded Lupin of the death screams of a young rabbit.

"Maybe it was a prank?" Tonks said as they paused just at step before the bend where they could see the rest of the house.

"I hope so," Lupin agreed fervently.

Sirius stumbled past them, his eyes haunted. "Got to go. I'll tell Dumbledore, take the blame for everything. Good luck, and again, I'm sorry."

Cheers could be heard as soon as Sirius passed the corner, but they died down as he made excuses and ran off. A short time later, the pop hiss of a floo being used was heard.

Tonks stood on her tiptoes and kissed Lupin. "For luck."

Together, they stepped around the corner.

The dining room was full of Death Eaters. The Lestranges, Antonin Dolohov, Augustus Rookwood, all ten of the most horrific Death Eaters who had been locked away in Azkaban. All ten sat at the table, and they fell silent as they spied Tonks and Lupin. Under their menacing gaze, it took all of Lupin and Tonks' strength to stand firm. If they had not been together, they would have likely broken.

Suddenly, Dolohov stood, raising his wand, and Tonks and Lupin flinched, reaching for their own.

Instead of firing off a lethal spell, Dolohov shot out a stream of sparks and cheered. "All hail the newest and greatest of the Death Eaters!"

The rest of the Death Eaters burst into cheers as well, all of them scrambling over and pounding Lupin and Tonks on the back, congratulating them and singing their praises. Kreature appeared from the kitchen with a steaming tray.

"Master's best minions! Kreature has made a very special breakfast to celebrate this glorious day! Oh, yes, Kreature has. Kreature punished himself most severely for ever doubting that Master or his minion would succeed and turning the blood traitors daughter, oh yes he did."

"I must apologize," Bellatrix Lestrange said as she guided Lupin and Tonks to the place of honor at the head of the table. "I know I insulted you Nymphadora, and you Remus, when you rescued us. Forgive me, my mind was not in the right place. Clearly, you are a true daughter of the Blacks, Nymphadora. You must give up that silly muggle name and take up your true one. And you, Remus, I believe I have been grossly misguided in how I perceived werewolves. Truly, you are a noble breed."

"We should all become werewolves," one of the Death Eaters said seriously. "Think of the terror we could sow!"

"Let's not be hasty," Rodolphus Lestrange said, sitting down next to his wife and taking her hand in his. "We would not wish to be foolish while we still suffer the effects of Azkaban."

Bellatrix nodded, looking at her husband lovingly. "Oh no, after all, for all your power and success, it was my cousin, Sirius Black, who masterminded our breakout. He's even the lover of the Dark Lord, you know."

"Truly, a great man," Antonin Dolohov agreed. "We should all strive to be like him. But now, a toast. To the Dark Lord!"

"The Dark Lord!" the death eaters roared. Then they paused, eyeing Tonks and Lupin.

Swallowing, Tonks picked up her cup, and glanced at Lupin, who did the same. They squeezed hands under the table, then turned around, false smiles plastered on their faces.

"To the Dark Lord!"

/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\

Sirius sat in the Headmaster's office, fidgeting nervously and glancing at the clock. Any time now. He tried to calm his rapidly beating heart, but just couldn't manage it. The owls would be here soon, and then...and then he had no idea.

Footsteps sounded in the passage, and Sirius whimpered, resisting the urge to turn into Padfoot and hide under the desk. Instead, he closed his eyes, and berated himself for the thousandth time as a complete and utter moron.

The door creaked open, and the Headmaster stood at the threshold for a moment, eyeing Sirius with a look of intense weariness. Sirius tried to think of something, anything to say, but could think of nothing.

With a heavy sigh, the Headmaster entered and sat at his desk, eyeing Sirius for a long moment. Sirius hunched his shoulders and dropped his gaze, swallowing hard. "I'll resign, if you want me to. Turn myself in. I'll take the blame for everything."

"Do you think that would help?"

Sirius looked up and winced at the pained look in the Headmaster's eyes. "No. Not really. But...but I have to do something, don't I?"

"Perhaps. But please, explain to me, just why did you break all of Voldemort's most loyal followers out of Azkaban?"

Sirius groaned and banged his head on the table. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me." The tone of the Headmaster's voice was commanding, and Sirius was forced to sit up.

"Um, to get out of a date."

Whatever sort of answer Dumbledore had been expecting, it had not been that. He looked completely baffled, so Sirius continued, "You see, I figured, my cousin Bella always had a 'thing' for the old bastard. And Snape mentioned that the real problem is there were no females in Sleepy's and my social circle. So, since everyone was so dead set on hooking me up with him, which is both revolting and horrifying, by the way, I figured, why not find someone who actually LIKES him and have them date the Wonder Turban?"

Dumbledore was silent for a long minute, and Sirius licked his lips, trying not to imagine what being back in Azkaban would be like.

"You do realize," Dumbledore said slowly, "that Bellatrix is married?"

"Well, I wasn't planning on breaking Rudy out too, you know. But, then Bella grabbed my wand, and well, the twins weren't going to be able to stop her, and the next thing you know-"

"The twins?" Dumbledore interrupted.

"Er, yes. Fred and George. I um, I sort of had them polyjuice themselves as Dora and Remus so we could have her hauling in two wanted Death Eaters as prisoners so we could get in without suspicion."

Dumbledore put his head in his hands and groaned. After a long moment, he looked up. "I am unsure whether I should be impressed that you have single handedly managed to orchestrate and pull off what has to be the most monumentally successful prank of all time all because you find the thought of dating Voldemort horrifying, or be terrified that you may have actually gone over to the other side and have really become the world's most successful and dangerous Death Eater."

Sirius started to speak, but Dumbledore raised a hand. "I will not punish you. Nor will I turn you in to Azkaban."

Sirius felt a flood of relief and guilt, but then Dumbledore continued, "but I will inform Molly Weasley of just what you got her two sons into."

Eyes wide with horror, Sirius dropped to his knees. "Please, just...just let me go back to Azkaban!"

"After your date with Voldemort," Dumbledore finished.

"Can't you just kill me instead?!"

/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\\\/\\\/\

Despite the news of the mass Death Eater break out, for the most part the student body of Hogwarts ignored the news, their adolescent minds still fixed on the Yule Ball. However, one mind was firmly fixed upon the disaster that was certain to take place very shortly.

And Minerva McGonagall would eat the Sorting Hat if she was going to allow Fred and George Weasley (or any other Weasley for that matter) to ruin the Yule Ball in front of two other prestigious wizarding schools.

She stalked the halls of Hogwarts as a cat, her eyes searching everywhere for signs of mischief. Finally, she found them, sitting quietly near the dragon enclosures and looking out over the frozen lake. Silently, she transformed, stalking up right beside the two oblivious redheads and putting her mouth right beside their ears.

"I know what you've done."

The two boys leaped a good three feet into the air, and came crashing down into a bank of snow, where they stared wide eyed up at McGonagall, their faces pale and their breathing shallow and rapid.

"You d-d-d-do?" they stammered.

McGonagall hissed, stalking forward and towering over the trembling miscreants. "Oh yes, I know. And if you two don't shape up, and do it now, I'm going to have to tell your mother."

"We didn't know!" wailed one, rising to his knees and holding up a pleading hand.

"It was just supposed to be a prank!" the other moaned, shaking his head back and forth and rocking slowly.

"A prank? A PRANK!? You've endangered lives with your idiot behavior! You've brought shame to this school, and to yourselves!" McGonagall thundered, pointing an accusing finger at the two boys."

"We're sorry!" the twins wailed. "We thought it was just a bit of harmless fun!"

"Well it wasn't, and it isn't. If you step a single toe out of line, I'm going to call the aurors and toss you in Azkaban!"

Now the twins were weeping openly, snot coating their lips as they blubbered uncontrollably. "We'll never prank again!" they swore.

"You had best see to it you do not!" McGonagall hissed. She stalked away, weaving slightly as she did so. She drew out another mix of whiskey and calming draught, chugging it as she made her way back to the castle.

"Damn maniacs," McGonagall hissed as she stomped up the stairs.

Madam Pomfrey was coming the other way, and paused, reaching out a hand to bar McGonagall's way. "Minerva! What is that your drinking?"

"My medicine," McGonagall said, clutching her flask close.

" _Accio_ flask!" Pomfrey said. It shot out of McGonagall's hand to the matrons, and she took a sniff, gagging. "This is fortified calming draught mixed with whiskey! Minerva, you've gone too far! With this in you, you're not fit to be around anyone. I'm going to have to hold an intervention. The rampant alcoholism amongst the staff is setting a horrendous example for the students."

McGonagall tried to clumsily take her flask back, but her flailing only managed to cause her to slip and fall, sliding down the slick steps. "It's those damn Weasley's I tell you! It's their fault for everything! Why, I'm certain they're even responsible for the Death Eater breakout!"

"That's enough!" Pomfrey looked at the flask, then growled and pointed her wand at the ranting headmistress. "I'm taking you to the infirmary. You are not well. Those sorts of accusations are nonsense! Why, I'm certain the Weasleys had nothing to do with the Death Eater breakout, did you boys?" she demanded of Fred and George, who were slinking up the stairs towards the castle.

"We only meant to get out one!" Fred wailed.

George began to cry again. "We're sorry, we really are, we're not actually evil we promise!"

Then they both fled inside.

Poppy stared after them, mouth agape. Then, slowly, she made her way down the stairs, and sat down next to McGonagall. She took a long pull from the flask, then passed it back to her friend. "You know what, I think you may be onto something about this medicine, Minerva."

"Damn Weasleys," McGonagall growled as she took another swig.

"Damn Weasleys," Poppy agreed, taking another pull of her own.

\/\\\/\\\/\/\/\\\/\\\/\/\/\\\/\/\\\/\/\\\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\

Christmas day came, and with it, the shadow of doom. Sirius Black picked out a nice dress robe, one fit for a funeral. He got a box of chocolates from Honeydukes, and a fresh flower from the Hogwarts greenhouse. With a deep breath, he opened the door to the headmaster's office, where his executioner was waiting.

"Black," Snape said, no longer even trying to keep the glee from his voice. "So good of you to come."

"You've always wanted to kill me Snape. Do it, and do me a favor," Black plead.

Snape tisked and stepped forward, raising his wand. Sirius closed his eyes, welcoming the sweet embrace of death.

"My my, with your upbringing, I would have thought you knew how to properly tie a bowtie."

Sirius opened one eye, seeing that Snape had magically undone and retied his bowtie. "Thanks," he said through gritted teeth.

Snape held out his arm. "Come, your carriage awaits."

Black said several things that would have gotten his mouth washed out with soap at the Burrow, then several rude gestures that would have resulted in bed with no dinner, and stalked through the floo.

"Ah, the hero of the hour," drawled Lucius Malfoy as Sirius stepped through to the other side.

Black forced his temper down, and made himself smile at Lucius. "Lucy old boy, thanks for hosting us."

"It is my pleasure to serve the Dark Lord," Lucius said, inclining his head to Sirius. "And his beau, of course."

"Yay me," Black said through gritted teeth. He stalked out of the parlor and through the corridors to the dining hall, where groups of Death Eaters in festive christmas garb were mingling. Once he entered though, everyone turned and cheered. Except for Lupin and Tonks, who clapped politely while glaring daggers at Sirius. Fortunately, everyone just took this as jealousy that Black had usurped their own position as the toast of the evening. For his part, Sirius slunk to a corner and sulked over the punch bowl.

"Nerves you know," he heard Bellatrix tell Narcissa. "He's head over heals for the Dark Lord. Can't wait to surprise him with his Christmas gift."

"I heard from Alecto that he's planning on proposing as soon as the Dark Lord has his body back," Narcissa giggled.

"Who would have known such a lady killer would turn out to be into the lads?" Bellatrix said with a shake of her head.

It was all Sirius could do not to weep.

Just then, there was a stir through the crowd, and a beaming Quirrell entered, a large red turban covered in mistletoe on his head.

"Shhh, don't ruin the surprise," Quirrell said in a stage whisper. "Quick, gather round, gather round, he doesn't know yet!"

"Don't know what, you simpering moron?" Voldemort's muffled voice said from the back of Quirrell's head.

"Oh, nothing master, nothing," Quirrell said as the Death Eaters quickly took their places. Sirius, Lupin, and Tonks were all shoved up to the front of the group, with much giggling and congratulatory whispers.

"I am going to kill you," Tonks said, a false smile plastered on her face. "First kidnapping me, then framing me for a mass death eater break out? You're dead, Black. Dead."

"I'll hold him while you hex him," Lupin growled. "Or possibly just eviscerate him. I won't even need to wait for the full moon."

Black laughed weakly. "You too are such kidders. But please, do it before I have to kiss my date."

"Not a chance."

Just then, Quirrell cleared his throat. "My Lord, Sirius is here with your Christmas presents!"

"Bah, humbug! I, Lord Voldemort, do not like Christmas! I do not even want this preposterous party! We should be plotting the downfall of the Weasleys, or murdering muggles. I dislike this stupid date."

Sirius clapped his hands. "Oh, well then, if Voldy-poo doesn't want the date, I guess we'll just have to cancel the party. Sorry Bella, back to Azkaban with you; Dark Boss Man says so."

"Wait, who? Bella? Azkaban? Remove this turban at once! I demand to know what is going on," Voldemort hissed.

Quirrell helpfully turned around, presenting the back of his head to Sirius.

"Oh hell," Sirius muttered. He reached up and tugged the turban off, revealing the hideous face of the Dark Lord.

Voldemort's glowing red eyes darted around the room, his jaw opening and closing in surprise. Then after a moment, he spoke: "Sirius, these are all my most loyal death eaters. How did they get here?"

Bellatrix stepped forward, kneeling beside Sirius. "My Lord, it was my cousin's Christmas present to you. To show his undying love for you, he freed all your followers, that we might once again serve in your name."

The red eyes snapped to Sirius. "Is this true?"

Sirius wondered how his life would be different if he would just learn to say no."Um, yes. Definitely. Merry Christmas?"

The Dark Lord was silent for a long moment. Then, in a strange voice, he said, "No one ever got me a Christmas present before. Sirius….this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me."

The Death Eaters erupted into cheers, and the house elf band struck up a merry tune. Sirius found himself dragging Quirrell's backwards body around the dance floor in a very awkward waltz. For what seemed like an eternity, Sirius tried to keep the rhythm while avoiding the Dark Lord's eyes.

The music stopped, and everyone clapped. Sirius tried to excuse himself for punch, Merlin knew he needed some alcohol, but the Dark Lord waddled after him.

"Sirius...this relationship...I've never had a lover, you know," the Dark Lord said as Sirius handed him a glass of punch and hastily downed his own.

"Mphhmmphmm hmm," Sirius said, trying desperately to think of a way out of this situation. Murder. Murder was always a good solution. No! That would actually be thinking like a Death Eater! Besides, he didn't really want to kill his relatives, and he was related to more than half the Death Eaters.

"Also, you are a man, as am I," the Dark Lord continued. "I did not believe I was so...inclined."

Sirius nodded desperately, refilling his punch and guzzling it again.

"With the situation I find myself in, well," the Dark Lord gestured to his borrowed body. "I am not at my best."

"Yeah, awkward," Sirius agreed, half sozzled already.

"But, I find myself… attracted to you."

Sirius resisted the urge to pull out his wand and kill himself.

"I can't bring myself to be physically intimate with you. Not while I share this body. But Sirius," the Dark Lord reached out, awkwardly grabbing at Sirius' arm with Quirrell's hands. "When I do get my body back, we can be together. You have stuck with me through thick, and thin. I would be honored to have you as my consort when I rule this pathetic land, and beyond."

"Yay," Sirius moaned.

And then the Dark Lord leaned in and kissed Sirius on the cheek.

Sirius turned and vomited onto the floor.

"Ah, too much punch!" Quirrell's voice laughed from the other side.

"Sorry, feeling a bit queasy," Sirius muttered.

"Do not exert yourself, my love," Voldemort cooed. "You have worked too hard on my behalf. Go, rest. Soon, I will have my body back, and we can share so much more."

Sirius vomited again, all over himself. Then he fainted. Before consciousness faded, he could hear Tonks and Remus laughing.

 _Authors Note:_

 _Literally everyone is now hardcore shipping SB/LV. Except for poor, poor SB. The prankster has been pranked._


	29. Chp 29: You forgot the chair

_Chapter 29: You forgot the chair_

"I just wish I could do something about my teeth," Hermione lamented as she played with her front molars in front of the mirror. She still thought they made her look like a beaver. At least they'd managed to tame her hair into a nice french braide. Fleur had been a lifesaver in that regard.

"Your teeth are fine, Hermione," Ginny said, smoothing her scarlet dress. "You're just lucky you don't have to wear this color. It goes terribly with our hair."

"You'll be fine," Luna hummed from the corner. Hermione glanced in the mirror to see the girl was putting her butter beer cap earrings back on. She should have burned those. At least she'd been able to talk Luna out of wearing a dress made of duct tape.

"Ladies, are we ready?" Fleur called from the entrance. Hermione avoided looking at the French witch. She looked stunning in her baby blue gown and pearl necklace and earrings. No one would look at any other witch tonight, not with Fleur even turning up her veela charms enough to make even the women excited.

"Yes," Ginny declared, tugging at Hermione's arm. "Come on, the boys are waiting."

Down the stairs, the boys were nervously fidgeting, save for Fred and George, who were sweating buckets and looked as though they had not slept in days.

"Are you two alright?" Harry asked for the fifth time. "You really don't look so good."

"Fine, Harry," Fred said, his eyes darting about frantically.

George nodded, his thousand yard stare looking right through his siblings.

Krum grunted. "If did not know better, Vould think these two are up somethink."

"Since you know better, you just know they're up to something," Cedric laughed, causing Fred to nibble at the bloody tips of his fingers and George to twitch.

Just then, Charlie sucked in a breath, and the Weasley boys turned and looked up to see the ladies descending the stairs.

"She's a goddess," Charlie breathed, his eyes unable to leave Fleur's radiant face.

For his part, Harry found himself flushing and realizing that Luna was growing quite a bit, and in some very fascinating ways. Ron was equally entranced by Hermione, a stupid grin on his face the entire time as he offered her his hand.

Ginny calmly offered Victor her hand to kiss, then made a face at the others. "Love struck morons. Remind me never to look like that."

"Yes. They are being idiots," Victor agreed, offering Ginny his arm. "Come, vee must go."

Fred and George, however, were turning out to be disappointments to their dates.

"Would it kill you to look happy?" Alicia whispered in George's ear as they descended the stairs towards the ball room.

George, for his part, was unable to answer, a silence that irritated Alicia, as she took his blank stare as vapid gazing at Fleur.

Angelina on the other hand was giving Fred the cold shoulder, fuming at his lack of attention as she practically had to force him to take her arm. Fred, for his part, couldn't keep his knees from knocking together as they passed Professor McGonagall, who gave him a baleful stare.

"If you ruin this night with a prank, we're through," Angelina hissed.

"Too late," Fred groaned.

At the bottom of the stairs Susan was waiting for Cedric, who hurried over and kissed her hand, causing the younger girl to blush and giggle. Several other girls stared at Susan, torn between jealousy that she had landed a champion as her date, and horror that she seemed to have gone full Weasley, with her red hair in a prominent french braide.

The teachers were not the only ones hitting the calming draughts and spiking the punch bowl, as nearly everyone predicted some sort of horrendous catastrophe during the ball. Bets had even been placed as to what form the prank would take, with the odds on favorite bet placed by Draco Malfoy (who was conspicuous in his absence) that at least one person would die.

Tensions rose as the champions took their places at the high table, with the school bracing itself for being turned into a canary, having their ears grow ten sizes, or Dumbledore being unable to speak and instead croaking like a frog.

However, none of that happened. There was a short speech, and then the floor was opened for dancing. At first, only the champions (and Harry and Luna) were brave enough to dance. Everyone noted that Fred and George were sitting miserably in a corner with their dates, who were fuming and irritated. Finally, when no one exploded or began to sing muggle jazz tunes, other dancers filtered out unto the floor, until only the dateless and Fred and George were left on the sidelines.

"I can't believe you! You get let off detention and you won't even dance with me?" Angelina demanded of Fred. "What, did you prank the dance floor to make everyone sick?"

"No," moaned Fred. "Not that. It was worse."

"Then it already happened?" Alicia demanded.

George nodded numbly.

"Stop staring at that veela girl!" Alicia hissed.

George shrugged, his gaze unwavering, eyes unseeing.

"Ugh. Come on Angelina. I refuse to have my night ruined by these two. Maybe we can find Cormac and one of his friends to dance with."

While the rest of the school had a lovely time, Fred and George could only sit and stare at the clock. They had been informed by Sirius that their mother was coming on Boxing Day, and were quite certain that at that point, their lives would be over. No point in having a good time first: they felt far too guilty for that.

"Hestia, are these really the famous Weasley twins?"

"I don't know Flora, they seem to be far to listless to be Weasleys. Perhaps they are inferni."

"That would be appropriate. Maybe our dearest parents killed them after they escaped from Azkaban."

George, for the first time that night, spoke. "No, they thanked us."

Fred nodded, wincing at the memory. "Seemed right pleased to see us."

The two Carrow twins paused in their walk around the ballroom, goblets of punch sloshing slightly as they turned on their heels.

"What did you say?" Flora demanded.

Hestia frowned. "I think they're just heckling us back, sister. Obviously these two morons would never get along with our parents."

"Too right. All too soon the favored of the Dark Lord will sweep away the Weasley scum and their hangers on."

"I think they're more likely to throw us a parade," Fred said glumly.

George nodded, slowly focusing his gaze on the twin girls in front of him. "Yeah. And to think; we only meant to break out the one."

Flora and Hestia looked at the twins, then exchanged glances with one another and burst into giggles.

"Please, pets of Dumbledore like yourselves?"

"You'd only be caught dead with Death Eaters."

"Or Slytherin's, for that matter."

"If only they had killed us," George moaned. "

"We never should have listened to Sirius," Fred grumbled.

"Damn old coot."

"Led us down a Dark Path he did."

"You claim to have freed our parents and the other servants of the Dark Lord?" Hestia demanded, growing angry.

Flora, for her part, poked her wand out, casually aiming it at Fred and George. "Lies like that can get you killed, little lions."

"We wish we were lying," George sighed.

Fred eyed the goblets. "Say, are those spiked? We were going to do it ourselves, but, well…"

"Death Eaters," George finished.

Now Hestia and Flora were both very confused. This was the first time they'd ever spoken to the Weasley twins, aside from quick insults in the hallways, despite only being a year apart. So far, the boys cryptic remarks had spiked their interest, but also their caution.

"Prove your claims," Hestia growled, keeping her goblet close.

Flora nodded silently, not so subtly flashing her wand at the twins.

Fred and George shrugged. "Get us something to help us forget, and we'll tell you a tale that would make your blood run cold."

The Carrow twins held a silent conference. They had no dates, as all the boys found them and their skill with potions and poisons far too intimidating, and Professor Snape had not so subtly forbidden them from giving anyone love potion made with his lab ingredients. As such, they were dateless, and only at the ball because their parents and caretakers were not yet ready to introduce them to the Dark Lord.

"The Professor only said no love potions," Flora finally said after several long moments.

Hestia slowly nodded, then turned to the Weasley twins. "We'll get drinks. Join us in the gardens."

However, Fred and George didn't move, still sulking in the corner when Hestia and Flora had procured some (very) spiked punch.

"Well, do you desire your drinks or not?" Flora demanded, raising a large jug.

Fred spied an angry looking Alicia and Angelina stalking towards them, and poked George. "Time to go. Wouldn't want to start the skinning process early."

They hurried outside, nearly leaving the Carrow twins in the dust, but were caught up to on the shores of the dark lake, were the faint tunes of the Love Boat theme drifted out of the depths.

"Now that was a proper prank," Fred lamented, nodding towards the lake.

"Yeah, we didn't free any Death Eaters. Just soaked the wannabees," George agreed.

Now Hestia and Flora were truly curious. Carefully, they both palmed vials of veritaserum and poured it into two goblets, which they then filled with the highly alcoholic punch and gave to the Weasleys.

"Shouldn't we be worried about the side effects of mixing it with alcohol?" Hestia whispered to Flora.

"No. It will just make it more potent."

They smiled at Fred and George, who quickly guzzled their drinks.

"Now, what was this about freeing Death Eaters?" Flora asked sweetly.

"Especially our parents," Hestia added.

George shrugged. "Well, that was mostly an accident."

"Yeah, we only meant to free Bellatrix Lestrange," Fred agreed.

"Meant to frame an auror and a werewolf for it," George added, belching slightly.

"Yeah, would have put the ministry into a right tizzy," Fred agreed.

"But then, well, one thing led to another…"

"And the next thing you know we'd helped Sirius Black free all the Death Eaters in Azkaban."

Hestia and Flora could not believe their ears. They both poured a cup of punch for themselves and rapidly drank it to calm their nerves.

"You mean...you mean you serve the Dark Lord?" Hesta stammered.

"Oh, wouldn't say that," Fred said with a shrug.

"We're apprentices of Sirius Black," George said in a conspiratorial tone.

"He's actually professor Moody."

"But, as Voldemort's lover…"

"...he's absent to make nice at the Death Eater ball."

Fred and George both examined their empty goblets, then held them up.

"More drink, love?"

"Yeah, we'd like to have at least one more party before our family disowns us."

Hestia began to pour, but her hands were shaking violently both from the winter cold as the shocking revelations. A very illegal vial that glowed with a mother of pearl sheen feel out of her sleeve and into the jug, unnoticed by anyone. The vial cracked, then shattered, shards of glass and bit of potion slowly sinking to the bottom of the pitcher.

"Have some more," Hestia said, pouring first for the boys, then for herself and her sister.

"To...to the Dark Lord," Flora said, her voice quavering.

"Yay for Sleepy," George grunted.

"Huzzah for Lord Wonder Turban," Fred agreed.

The Carrow girls were uncertain what to make of that, but all quickly downed their drinks.

"Where did you take our parents?" Flora blurted once she had drained her goblet.

"Oh, you know, Grimmauld place," Fred answered, raising a hand to his head as an odd feeling came over him. Suddenly everything felt a lot less dire and a lot more...happy?

"Sirius Black's home and Death Eater prison," George added, still feeling the effects of the truth serum. He blinked, then looked at Flora and Hestia for the first time. "Did you know you're really pretty?"

"I want to see them," Hestia groaned. "I can't even remember our parents faces. We were raised by our aunt and uncle, Alecto and Amycus." She flushed as she said it, meeting George's eyes. "We're very lonely."

Fred suddenly felt the urge to impress and ingratiate himself with these beautiful ladies, and hastily stood. "You know, we have access to Grimmauld place."

"Yeah," George agreed. "Secret keeper let us in. We could apparate there, if you wanted?"

"Really?" Flora said, leaning into George. "I'd love that. We'd love that." She giggled, then covered her mouth, unsure of where that had come from.

"Well, then come on," Fred declared. "The edge of the grounds is just over here."

All four teens giggled and clung to each other, and Fred and George raised their wands. They all vanished with a pop, leaving the soft sounds of jazz to fill the night air.

Back in the castle, the party was winding down. Fleur and Charlie had vanished after the third dance, and only professor McGonagall seemed terribly interested in locating them. Percy, for his part, was torn between keeping an eye on Victor and dancing with Penelope. Victor, for his part, was deeply offended.

"Do your brothers not trust me?" he asked Ginny in disgust as they at a table. He noticed the glass of punch she was reaching for and gently plucked it out of her hands and threw it away. "I vould no be drinking that if I vas you. I vould no be drinking that if I vas me, either."

Ginny sniffed at another glass and made a face, setting it aside and pushing it away. "They're just acting like big brothers do. I'm the baby, so they have to get all protective."

"They is not acting so with Luna," Victor observed, nodding to Luna and Harry as they danced to a slow waltz.

"That's because we all know that if Harry does anything stupid mum will kill him," Ginny said with a wave of her hand.

"Vhat about Hermione and Ronald?" Victor demanded. "They is practically attached at the mouth."

"Yes, but mum already half figures Hermione is her daughter and Ron knows if he tries anything too stupid dad will nail him to the barn and use him for wand practice."

"I am thinking perhaps I am unfavored among your families dates then," Victor huffed, folding his arms across his chest and leaning back.

"Oh don't be silly, I've had a lovely time," Ginny declared, standing and putting her hand on Victors. "Come, one more dance. At least you're light on our feet."

"Have to be. Am chaster, not lumbering oaf like beaters," Victor rumbled, but he happily stood and lead Ginny to the dance floor.

"Speaking of beaters, where are the twins?" Ginny wondered.

Victor glanced around, spying Angelina and Alicia who were dancing with Cormac McLaggen and one of his friends. "I do not know, but they is not cocking up anyone's night except their own I am thinking."

"Good. I'm glad they managed to stay out of trouble for once."

/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Boxing day morning dawned bright and early, which lead to Fred slowly waking up with a pounding headache.

"Brother mine, what did we put in the punch," Fred said, rubbing his temples, then his left forearm.

"Shhhh," a soft voice said from the bed next to him. "No one wakes up early on Boxing day."

"Oh, you know the others will want to," Fred yawned, reaching over to shake his bedmate awake. "They're always mad for...presents…"

Slowly, Fred's hand stopped shaking, and traced over the naked flesh of his bedmate, which was rather soft and curvy. It dawned on Fred that he was also naked, which was rather odd. Then he looked down at his bedmate and froze. It was not George. It was not Angelina.

It was Flora Carrow.

Fred let out a yelp and sprang back, unsure of what was happening. He rolled out of bed and onto the floor with a thud.

Flora's face appeared down and Fred, frowning on him. "What's the matter?"

"I don't...I didn't...what-" Fred cut himself off as he looked down at his painful left forearm and froze. On it was a dark tattoo of a skull with a serpent slithering forth from its gaping mouth. It was not in crayon.

"It was amazing, wasn't it," Flora said, slithering down off the bad and draping herself over Fred. "The way you'd tortured that muggle all those months...amazing. You're amazing."

Flora's touch ignited something in Fred, and the protests died on his lips.

Down in the kitchen, another man was nursing a hangover, but without the pleasant company. Sirius Black was clutching a hangover cure potion and staring moodily at the fire (though not as Moody), which he feared would come to life at any moment.

"It can't be worse than kissing my mortal enemy," Sirius grumbled. "How bad can one dumpy middle aged woman be?"

The fire flared to life, and despite his words Sirius flinched back, wincing in preparation for his demise. He relaxed slightly when Severus Snape stepped through, his dark eyes flashing about the room.

"Come to watch my execution?" Sirius said, glaring at his hated rival. "I suppose kissing Voldemort wasn't as bad as kissing your greasy hide would have been."

"Charming, as always," Snape said, striding away from the fire. "But I am not here for you today, Black. As amusing as watching the Weasley broodmother reduce you to a crying child would be, I have other business to attend to."

"The others are all gone, I strictly forbade them from being here today, and so did Sleepy," Sirius called as Snape made his way towards the stairs. "After he tucked me in, anyway."

"You are as observant as always," Snape called as his voice retreated. "Best of luck, Molly was just behind me in Dumbledore's office."

Sirius' eyes snapped back around as the fire place flared to life once more and a roaring sound filled his ears.

"SIRIUS BLACK!" Molly Weasley bellowed as she lunged through the fire place.

Sirius fell out of his chair onto the floor, raising his hands over his face as he flinched away from the angry mother bear.

"WHAT THE BLOODY BUGGERING HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!" Molly demanded, kicking at Sirius' side.

"I wasn't!" Sirius wailed. "I'm sorry! I told them I'd pay them, and I will! A thousand galleons!"

"YOU THINK YOU CAN BUY THE WEASLEY'S WITH MONEY!" Molly bellowed, raising her wand and hexing Sirius with several minor stinging jinxes. "THE WEASLEY'S DO NOT TAKE CHARITY OR BRIBES!"

"That's not what I meant!" Sirius moaned. "I...Look, I just wanted to get out of a bad situation, OK? I came up with an awful plan, and I'm sorry! But look, they weren't hurt! Really, they're fine."

"OH, SPENDING A NIGHT IN AZKABAN WITH A BUNCH OF DEMENTORS AND DEATH EATERS IS FINE, IS IT? IF YOU'VE CORRUPTED MY SONS, I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD SIRIUS BLACK YOU MARK MY WORDS!"

"I didn't! They were like that when I found them," Sirius gasped.

"THEY ARE GOOD BOYS! THEY WOULD NEVER-! They would...never…" Molly Weasley trailed off, and Sirius looked up from his fetal position on the floor.

"Oh, they would," Snape declared, his voice scathing acid as he pushed forward two teens who desperately were trying to cover themselves with bedsheets.

"Um, morning mum," Fred said, trying to tie a quilt into a toga.

"Hi," George said, tying a blanket around his waist.

"Fred, George, what are you two doing here?" Molly asked, her voice full of confusion. Then her eyes grew wide. "WHAT ARE THOSE ON YOUR ARMS, BOYS?"

Fred and George, God bless them, both raised their left arms and peered at their forearms, revealing their new Dark Marks for all to see.

"Fred?" a female voice called.

"George?" its twin echoed.

"Professor Snape?"

The Carrow twins appeared, both covered only by blankets themselves.

"It sounded like someone was being tortured."

"Did you turn that chair back into the muggle?"

Molly blinked, then her face when pale. "You didn't."

"They did," Hestia said fiercely, coming up and draping her arms around George, who was staring at his mother in wide eyed horror.

"They made women of us," Flora declared dramatically, nuzzling Fred's neck with her head.

Molly suddenly stood. "This is out of my hands."

Sirius blinked, slowly standing up. "You mean...you mean you're not going to try and kill all of us?"

Molly turned her back on the group. "No. this is a matter for the boy's father. Hogwarts!" With that, Molly vanished in a burst of green flame.

Sirius, Fred, and George, looked after her, baffled.

"What did we do last night?" George asked aloud.

"Look at me," Snape demanded.

The three gormless idiots all turned and locked eyes with Snape for a long moment. A slow smile crept up on Snape's lips, and by the end of it, he had developed a hacking cough, and was covering his lips with handd.

"What?" Fred demanded.

"And how'd we end up in bed with the Carrow girls?" George added.

"Yeah. And why do I suddenly find them both so attractive?" the twins said together.

"Pensieve?" Snape wheezed.

"Kreature?" Sirius called. "Pensieve?"

Kreature popped in, holding a silver basin, which he placed on the table. "Your mother would be so proud of you, master. And of your young apprentices." Then the house elf vanished.

Snape tapped the twins foreheads, depositing their memories in the pensieve. "Have a look," the potions master chuckled, then schooled his face back to a neutral expression. Then he pointed to Hestia and Flora. "Not you two. You must come with me. We are returning to Hogwarts immediately."

"But we are full fledged servants of the Dark Lord now!" Flora declared.

Hestia nodded her agreement. "We must earn our marks, as our two lovers have!"

"No, you need to be purged of a good many potions," Snape said. "Come. Now."

Fred and George looked after the two girls as they sulked after Snape and through the floo. Then they looked at the puddle of memories.

"Do we really want to?" George wondered.

"Can we afford not to?" Fred replied.

"Sod it, I'm looking," Sirius declared, and they all sank into the memories.

Moments later, they all burst back out, hurrying over to an old chair in the corner and waving their wands frantically. The chair turned back into poor, poor Frank Bryce, who sank onto the floor, trembling.

"Oh sweet Merlin, what have I done?" Sirius wailed.

"Get him to Saint Mungo's!" the twins shouted. "Hurry!"

Sirius nodded, scooping up Frank Bryce in his arms and hurrying out the door, where he vanished with a pop.

Alone, Fred and George looked at one another in wide eyed horror. "We've been pranked!"

"They gave us love potion!"

"Accidentally, but they still did it!"

"Not that I mind too much, you know."

"Yeah, actually, that was kind of nice."

"But not the bit about Sleepy showing up!"

"He sat on Frank!"

"You turned Frank back into Frank!"

"Voldemort thought we'd been muggle baiting!"

"Sirius confessed we'd been to Azkaban!"

"Voldemort marked us!"

"We slept with Slytherins!"

"Bloody buggering hell!"

"We're in for it now, brother mine."

"I am so very glad you are both aware of the gravity of the situation."

Fred and George both lept about three feet into the air, spinning around and coming down naked to stare in horror at their father, who had just stepped of the floo, their mother half a step behind him.

"Fred, George. Sit down. Your mother and I are very, very disappointed in you."

Fred and George swallowed, but complied.

A few minutes later, howls of pain filled the air, as Molly Weasley wept quietly. For you see, Molly was loud and brash, sound and fury, the mother bear who protected her clan and kept order while her husband was away.

But Arthur Weasley was the one that the Death Eater's had feared. And he was the one who ruled the Burrow.

Back at Hogwarts, for the first time in a long time, Minerva McGonagall felt at peace.

 _Authors Note:_

 _I would like to be able to say that I was ashamed to write this chapter._

 _That would be a lie._


	30. Chp 30: Rainbow Road

Chapter 30: Rainbow Road

Dumbledore stepped through the door into Grimmauld place, Arthur Weasley just behind him. A moment later, the door sprang open and four teens spilled in, giggling and pawing at one another.

"Ah, young love," Dumbledore said, smiling as his eyes twinkled. "It is good to see them happy with one another."

Arthur Weasley grunted. "It's not love if it's love potion."

Dumbledore's eyes stopped twinkling. He'd have to find another way to cheer is old student up.

The teens all made their way to the dining room, where Kretcher popped in with snacks, ecstatic to find the Weasley twins had brought what he called "suitable company."

"The Carrows are a Dark Family," Arthur said through gritted teeth. "These girls seem to take right after their parents, poisoning my sons!"

"It was an accident, Arthur, as you saw," Dumbledore cautioned. "Yes, they dosed your boys veritaserum, but the Amortentia was a pure accident."

Arthur only brooded, staring at the memory of his sons as they kissed and fondled the Carrow twins. Fred and Flora had gone over to an old, odd looking chair and were leaning back precariously on it, locked at the lips, while George and Hestia were on the carpet under the table with their robes half off. Dumbledore was about to suggest they leave the memory before Arthur got an conniption when the floo flared to life. Through the green flames came a smiling, dopey looking man who was carrying a rather sozzled Sirius Black.

"Oh, goodness!" Quirrel gasped, coming to an abrupt halt and dropping Black.

The four teens sprang up, and Fred managed a bit of accidental magic to his pent up emotions. The chair he'd been sitting in with Flora transformed, becoming a very bedraggled Frank Bryce.

"What? What's going on? Turn around you moron, I can't see!" Voldemort's voice hissed.

Amiably, Quirrell turned around, managing to kick Sirius in the process, causing him to groan and roll over on his side to vomit.

"Weasleys?! What are you doing here!?" Voldemort demanded, raising his wand and pointing it at the youths.

"Trying to get laid, Voldy," George said, waving cheerily. "How's tricks?"

"And torturing muggles, apparently," Fred said, poking Frank with his boot as the old man moaned piteously.

This caused Voldemort to pause, studying the Weasleys and their giggling dates a little more closely. "You're with the Carrow's daughters, are you not? They showed me a picture at the awful ball. Well," Voldemort glanced down fondly at Sirius, his wand wavering slightly. "Not too awful."

His wand jerking back up, Voldemort's eyes narrowed. "But Weasleys are my sworn enemies! I'll have to destroy you!"

"But they serve you, master!" Hestia said, looking up at George with adoring eyes.

Flora nodded, stroking Fred's arm. "Yes, they helped our parents escape from Azkaban!"

"What?" Voldemort paused, looking down at Sirius. "Is that true? Did the Weasley's help you? I thought it was Andromeda's girl and that werewolf minion of yours."

"Yes," Black moaned. "Distraction."

"Yeah, Azkaban was a real lark," George said.

"Got us a hot date," Fred agreed.

Voldemort strode over to Frank Bryce, examining the man. "What have you done with him? He looks close to death."

"He was a chair," Fred said helpfully, drunkenly waving his wand and causing Frank to return to furniture. "See?"

Voldemort spun the chair around, sitting on it so that his head continued to face the youths. "Well, well, I am impressed. Oh! And so very comfortable. I must say, this should be the new fashion. Something this evil…. Well, I thought only I was capable of coming up with such an idea."

"They should be rewarded!" Quirrell said happily from the other side of the head.

"Yes! You two, Weasleys, come here."

Fred and George came over, dopey grins on their faces.

"Give me your left arms. _Morsmordre_!"

"Oooow!" the twins said, jumping back and glaring at Voldemort. "That hurt!"

"Oooo, tattoos," the Carrow twins cooed.

"So sexy!"

Fred and George slowly grinned, kissing their dates and forgetting about the pain.

"You're welcome!" Quirrell said happily.

"Silence, fool!" Voldemort growled. He smiled at the twins, who were too busy to notice, then stood and hobbled over to Sirius. "Time to put this one to bed, I think. You lot should get a room as well. Wouldn't want the servants to see."

A groan of disappointment came from the kitchen as happy couples made their way upstairs. Kreature sighed. Another lonely night with mistress. Oh well.

The memory faded, and Dumbledore and Arthur popped out of the pensieve, where the guilty looking twins and their mother waited. Molly's cheeks were stained with tears, and she blew her nose loudly, wailing and jumping to her feet to run over to cry into her husband's shoulder.

"Oh Arthur, was it horrid? Is it true? Did they willingly take the Mark?"

"It was...enlightening," Mr. Weasley said, gently patting his wife on the back. "While it does appear that they received the Mark willingly, there were….extenuating circumstances."

"We would never have done it otherwise!" Fred promised.

"They poisoned us!" George added.

"Not that we minded!" the twins chorused, then blushed and looked down.

"Indeed," Dumbledore said, stroking his beard and looking at the twins thoughtfully. "And tell me, how do you feel about the young ladies in question now?"

"Worried," George said.

"Horny," Fred blurted.

"Frederick!" Molly gasped in horror.

"Now she gets our names right," Fred muttered, crossing his arms across his chest.

George nodded in understanding. "Damn truth serum."

"And do you think you love them?" Dumbledore prodded.

"Albus!" Molly gasped, putting her hands to her face.

Arthur stepped forward. "Their feelings have no grounds! Whatever they feel, it was dictated by potions and trickery, not their own wills! Those girls are vile monsters!"

Fred and George stood, shouting in protest, but Dumbledore waved them back down before their father could murder them.

"Arthur, there was more than just a simple love potion dosing going on last night." Dumbledore sighed and shook his head. "Boys, please, be honest with me: were you virgins last night?'

Their mother let out an ear piercing wail, but Arthur had suddenly straightened, the blood draining from his face. When the twins hesitated, he fixed them with a glare. "Answer the question, boys."

"Yes," Fred said.

"Mostly," George added, which prompted a gasp of horror from his mother and a grunt of surprise from his twin.

"Mostly? You can't have gotten more action than me and Angelina and I never got past snogging."

"Well, Alicia and I were in this broom closet one time, and mind you, our clothes didn't come off but-"

"Enough!" Dumbledore said, raising his wand and preventing Molly from strangling her son to death in his office. "Then last night was, as they say, the magic moment for the two of you? And the girls?"

Fred and George blushed and muttered under their breath. Before the conversation could go any further, a wickedly grinning Snape entered the room. Upon seeing the murderous expressions on Molly and Arthur's face, Snape quickly schooled his face into a neutral expression. "I have detoxed the girls, as ordered." He held out two vials of muddy green liquid that bubbled and frothed to the Weasley twins. "Drink."

"That looks worse than polyjuice," Fred said, grimacing.

George glanced at his mother, and quickly downed his vial without protest. After a moment, Fred followed suit.

"The bathroom is that way," Dumbledore said, waving his wand so that a hidden passage appeared. "You will need it."

Groaning and clutching their middles, the twins hurried to the bathroom, where a variety of incredibly disgusting noises and smells began to emanate until the headmaster spelled the entrance shut. Then he removed his glasses and rubbed his forehead, sighing heavily. After a moment, he replaced the glasses and sat down heavily in his chair.

"I fear this will not be enough. Severus, just how many potions did those boys take last night?"

"Hmm," Snape said, holding up two vials and putting drops of blood in them. "One moment."

"Is that my boys blood?" Molly growled, though it was rather half hearted.

"If I lie and say no, will it make you feel better?" Snape sneered. He raised an eyebrow as he examined the vials. "My, my, my. They were busy last night."

"Severus, do not toy with the emotions of the Weasleys, or I may yet allow Arthur loose. Tell us, what exactly did the boys take last night?"

"Veritaserum, Amortentia, plenty of alcohol and...hmmm. Viagra."

"Viagra?" the Weasleys chorused, looking to Dumbledore.

The headmaster was just as confused, turning a puzzled gaze to Snape who glowered at them. "A kind of muggle love potion, strictly for men. Promotes endurance."

Dumbledore shrugged. "And, what if I told you the boys were virgins? What of the girls?"

"Also virgins," Snape answered. "Unlike some heads of house, I can keep a rein on things. Hmmm. Let's see. The truth serum, mixed with the love potion...and all virgins...well, that would be interesting."

Arthur Weasley paled. "What...what does interesting mean?"

"It means that I do not foresee the effects of the love potion wearing off anytime soon," Snape said silkily. "Nor do I foresee your boys ever successfully lying to the Carrow twins."

Molly snorted without meaning to. "Please, the twins, tell the truth?"

Snape just managed to keep a wicked grin off of his face. "I don't believe they will have any choice in the matter."

"I see. Thank you, Severus. You are dismissed," Dumbledore said.

With a bow, Snape turned and left, taking joy in the faint retching sounds that could still be heard.

Dumbledore turned to the Weasley patriarch. "My dear Arthur, I'm afraid your boys are going to be rather attached to the Carrow girls for some time. And, there is the matter of the Dark Marks. Now, I believe something can be done, but-"

Just then, the very green looking twins emerged, very pale and shoddy looking.

"No more," Fred groaned.

"We'll die," George panted.

Molly burst into tears. "And it would be just what you deserve!"

Their father looked and Dumbledore, then at his son's, shaking his head. "We'll talk later. For now, you are both forbidden to go anywhere near the Carrow girls. Do you have any classes with them?"

"They're a year apart, they have no classes together," Dumbledore supplied.

Arthur nodded. "Good. Well, then it shouldn't be too hard. As for Sirius Black, aside from your classes you are to have nothing to do with the man. Understand?"

The twins nodded quickly, and their father grunted. "Very well. I believe between our 'talk' and the purging you just enduring, you have suffered enough for now. Get to your rooms. Your mother and I will discuss what to do about your Dark Marks, and inform the headmaster."

Then Arthur walked over to his sons, who both flinched and his approach. Instead of hitting them or yelling, Arthur embraced them both, tightly. When he spoke again, his voice was rough and tears stained his cheeks. "I love you both so very much. This hurts me to see, not because I'm angry at you, but because I love you, and am worried sick. Now give your mother a kiss, and get to bed."

Once Fred and George had departed, Arthur turned back to Dumbledore, his face dark. "Now about this matter of Sirius Black. Frankly, Albus, your choices in staffing lately have been questionable."

Dumbledore winced, and settled down to the worst parent teacher confrence of his life.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/

The new year arrived, and Harry and Ron were getting very worried about Fred and George. The twins had taken to eating meals in Gryffindor tower, rarely leaving except to go to the library, and only then when escorted by Percy or Charlie, who were under strict orders to ensure the twins didn't do anything awful.

"What did happen on Christmas night?" Harry wondered. "Do you think they tried to blow up the castle?"

"I don't know," Ron admitted. "But it had to be awful. You saw mum and dad on Boxing Day. They looked like someone had died."

The only one who seemed pleased by this turn of events was McGonagall, who had even reduced her daily does of "medicine" now that the twins longer seemed to have any interest in pranking. Well, aside from the majority of the staff and student body, no one important was pleased at any rate. Angelina and Alicia had taken up with Cormick and one of his friends, which despite their rubbing it in the twins faces, they didn't seem to mind.

Still, the twins drama was pushed out of the minds of the other Weasleys and hangers ons when a week after New Years the next task was finally announced by Percy.

"Champions, prepare yourselves!" Percy declared before the packed Great Hall. "For your next task will test both master and beast, in a feat of-"

"Speed?" Cedric prompted.

"Endurance?" Hermione asked nervously.

"Is race, Percy. Ve is know," Krum growled.

Percy glared at the champions. "Ruin the moment, why don't you? I spent all night on this speech..."

"Zey started building zee race track days ago, Percy," Fleur whispered. "Zee others are terribly excited, forgive them. Charles has been putting us through our paces, you know."

"Hmph," Percy grunted, though he looked slightly mollified. "Yes, it will be a grand race, one that will take you across Hogwarts and its grounds. As I suppose you have surmised, there will be many obstacles in your way that only the bond between rider and dragon will be able to overcome."

Fleur gasped in surprised, then elbowed the others. Hermione managed to look suitably excited, while Victor and Cedric were already whispering about possible flight maneuvers based on quidditch formations.

"You know, you lot are supposed to be competing against one another in this," Percy said, glaring around at the champions. "You could at least pretend to have some sort of rivalry."

"Oh don't worry, we'll fight for victory and all that," Cedric replied. "But just now we're the only ones mad enough to hang about with a bunch of wizard eating dragons. Well, and the gingers."

"Fine. The race will be held in one months time. You have until then to finish whatever preparations Charlie has cooked up. Don't glare at me like that Headmaster Karkaroff, you're just jealous that he isn't helping Victor exclusively. The prizes for doing well in this challenge will be what determines your strengths in the final challenge, upon which the thousand galleon prize and the crown of the victor rests."

There was polite applause from the assembled students, while the Champions had an impromptu conference out by the dragon pens.

"So, every one for themselves then?" Cedric asked, looking around. "I mean, we're friends and all, but I do plan on winning that prize."

"Vould be disappointed if you vas not," Victor said, glancing over at the team of wizards who were raising up floating islands into the air. "I vonder though, vhat is plan for race? Hermione, vhat do history books say?"

"I don't know," Hermione admitted. "There isn't anything on dragon races."

"It is obvious, non? Zey will have us race about zeir islands, perhaps retrieving something or zee like. We must have our dragons practice zeir speed and other such," Fleur said, shaking her head. "We must be careful zough, I am thinking that I do not wish to see Gaston injured, or any of you."

With that, the champions broke up, and began training in earnest. Hermione felt far more comfortable atop Ramoth than she ever did on a broom, and Ron and Harry were more than happy to race about on the firebolt and nimbus to help train the speed and agility of dragon and rider.

For his part, Charlie had all the riders practice feather fall and flame freezing charms. "Your dragons are much tamer than the usual yearlings we train to the saddle," he told the champions. "But a fall from a dragon is no joke. If they get excited they can burn the saddles right off and send you plummeting to the ground in flames."

"Our dragons would never do such a thing, would you Gaston?" Fleur said, scratching the short snouts chin. Gaston was now twelve feet from snout to tail and about 700lbs, and while the smallest of the dragons, Fleur was light enough that Gaston could wipe up quite a head of speed thanks to his 14 foot wingspan.

"Speak for yourself," Victor grumbled, though he patted Karadza's side affectionately.

In contrast the Swedish Short Snout, Karadza was already a monster. Over 20 feet long and weighing in at well over 1200 pounds, Karadza looked more like an iron plated flying tank than anything else with his stubby head and thick armored brow ridges. Still, with a nearly 40 foot wingspan the Ironbelly was no joke in the air, and he was still growing.

"Ramoth has better manners than that," Hermione declared, and her dragon nodded her head and rumbled affectionately as she curled a wing around her rider.

Ramoth was the longest of the dragons at 26 feet long, though unlike Karadza she was whip link and lithe, and was far less bulky. Ramoth's wings were also a bit less wide than Karadza's at 38 feet, though she was far faster in the air. Her tail had already developed the famous Hungarian horn, a massive spike of bone like material that could likely puncture steel.

Sigmund and Sieglinde curled protectively around Cedric, eyeing the larger Karadza and Ramoth warily. Sieglinde was the larger of the two at 22 feet long with a 35 foot wingspan with the large brow horns of the welsh green, along with very long and sharp for limb claws useful for plucking up sheep. Though Sigmund was smaller, he was still a bit bigger than Gaston at 18 feet long and 900 pounds.

"Relax you two, we'll take home the gold," Cedric promised his dragons. "After all, we outnumber them, don't we?"

"Are they really going to let you enter in both your dragons?" Hermione asked. "That has to be against the rules."

Cedric shrugged. "It's not my fault I'm the only one who managed to tame two dragons at once. You lot should of thought of it before Hermione managed to flood the whole arena."

"Hmph. At least I am having good tricks for flying," Victor muttered. "Am not fond of water. But flying, ah! Is my element."

Karadza rumbled his agreement, shooting a snort of flame towards Ramoth.

The horntail whipped her tail back and forth like a cat, idly pretending to ignore the other dragons threats.

"Oh calm down you," Hermione scolded. "Honestly, I just want to survive. I don't care about who wins or loses."

"Probably not a bad perspective to have," Charlie said, nodding towards the dozen or so floating islands that now shaded the Forbidden Forest, lake, and quidditch pitch. "There's some right nasty surprises up there for all of you. Remember, it's really only the third task that matters, this will just give you a leg up. So do well, but don't get hurt." Charlies eyes were on Fleur when he said the last bit, and both he and the french champion blushed.

"Some would say Charlie here's the real winner, eh Victor?" Cedric asked, nudging the Bulgarian.

Victor shrugged. "Am not so sure. Am already vorld famous quidditch champion with long career ahead of me. Vinning is all perspective."

"Oi, Victor, come on, Harry's only lent me his firebolt for another hour!" Ginny called, streaking through the sky above them. "And Kara there is looking a bit fat for tight maneuvers."

Victor grunted and leapt atop his dragon, turning about and launching into the air in hot pursuit of his training partner.

"I'm going to the library to see what Ron's dug up on dragon racing," Hermione declared. "I think I've mastered the feather fall charm."

"Charles, why don't you and I go up with Gaston and Norberta and practice our flame freezing charms on that island over zhere," Fleur said, mounting her own dragon.

"Er yes, of course," Charlie declared, hurrying atop his own dragon and chasing after his lover.

Cedric sighed, looking up at the sky. He shrugged, smiling at his dragons. "Well, I guess that just leaves us to train, eh you two?"

"If you need a partner Cedric we wouldn't mind helping," Luna called.

"Thanks, you and Harry's help would be wonderful," Cedric agreed.

"Oh, not me, I've got to go mind the twins," Harry said. "Mum said we have to keep an eye for 'anything suspicious' and Percy's back at the ministry today."

"Oh, I suppose it will just be me, Luna and the nargles then," Cedric laughed.

"Well, and also me," Susan said, coming around the corner. "If you don't mind, that is."

Cedric beamed. "Well, maybe Charlie wasn't the only one to win."

\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\\\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\

The day of the competition dawned cold and clear, with a light mist hanging over the lake. Floating stands had been constructed all around the miles long race course with room for the thousands of witches and wizards from across Europe that gathered to witness the spectacle.

"You know, they really need a big television," Harry remarked to Luna as they took their place in the stands. "LIke the muggles have for sporting events. Even with our omnioculars there's no way we can see all of the action; the islands block most of the view."

"You know, I've never gone to a muggle sporting event," Luna observed. "What's it like?"

"Dunno," Harry admitted. "My relatives never took me. We did go to the zoo once though."

"Ooo, I've always wanted to go to a muggle zoo! Tell me, what's it like? Do chameleons really change their color without magic?"

Back with the champions, Hermione was nervously brushing down Ramoth one last time.

"You'll do fine," Ron assured her. "You've been practicing for weeks, and you're the most brilliant witch I know."

"I just hope we don't get hurt," Hermione said, putting aside her brush and examinging Ramoth for any imperfections in her hide.

"You'll be fine," Ron assured her, putting his arms around her waist. "Charlie and the judges will make sure of that. Kiss for luck?"

After a quick peck, it was time, and Hermione mounted Ramoth as bagpipes (played by Hagrid) blared music loud enough to be heard unamplified across the race course.

"If zat is what you English call music, I am grateful that Charles does not listen to it," Fleur sniffed.

"It's more Scottish really," Cedric informed her. "But I sort of like the pipes myself."

"Quiet, they is starting," Victor growled.

"Welcome, Champions and spectators, to the second task of the Triwizard Tournament!" Ludo Bagman declared. The crowd cheered, and Hermione forced herself to smile and wave, though she doubted many in the audience could see her clearly.

"The object of this task is simple! Be the first across the finish line! Well, simple in theory, but what fun would that be? On each of these floating islands, you will find treasures that may aide you in your final challenge. Be the first at each island and retrieve the treasures quickly! Then you must carry the treasure across the check point line to claim it. But be warned! Your fellow champions desire the loot as well, and may attempt to steal it from you!"

"And of course, there is one more thing! You will see floating boxes in the air. Break them, and you will find spells or potions that will help you in the race. No other wands or enchanted items are allowed: You have already been searched. So, Miss Weasley, no more sudden oceans!"

"It's Granger!" Hermione shouted, but it was lost in the roar of the crowd.

"Champions make ready!" Bagman called. "On your marks, get set, go!"

Fleur and Gaston were the first into the air, streaking towards the first floating island. Hermione was close behind her though, and they raced towards the 50 foot rock that was floating in the air. From it came a constant stream of water, which created dazzling rainbows as the droplets sprayed into mist.

"There, boxes, get them Ramoth!" Hermione urged, spying four boxes that floated in midair, slowly rotating in the spray of the falls.

As Ramoth flew near them, she lashed out with her tail, shattering two of the boxes. Several golden coins flew out of the first box, and streaked towards Hermione head. Before she could duck, the vanished with a loud pinging sound. Ramoth surged forward, the magic of the coins making her lighter and swifter.

The other box contained an odd looking green turtle shell, with the words "throw me!" written on its back. With a shrug, Hermione hurled the shell towards the retreating shape of Gaston. The shell hurtled forward, slamming into the other dragon and sending both Gaston and Fleur cartwheeling through the air.

Hermione cried out in panic, not having intended to injure the other rider. However, Fleur and Gaston righted themselves quickly, surging back into the race. Glad her friend wasn't injured, Hermione looked back upwards, spying a floating treasure chest above one of the falls.

"There Ramoth!" Hermione cried.

Ramoth flung herself forward, roaring in triumph as they neared the chest. Hermione looked backwards, spying Victor, who was holding a red and white mushroom in his hand. He grinned wickedly at Hermione, then popped the fungus into Karadza's mouth. Instantly, the dragon was flung forwards, past Hermione and Ramoth. Victor grabbed the treasure chest, then secured it onto the back of his dragon.

"Better luck next time!" Victor said, turning his dragon towards the next floating island.

Just as Hermione was about to urge Ramoth forwards, a loud jingle sounded behind her. She turned just in time to see a glowing Cedric and Sieglinde hurtling toward her. She yanked sideways on the reins, getting Ramoth out of their way just in time. Cedric slammed into Victor, causing the treasure chest to go flying away. The Hufflepuff champion snagged the chest, the barreled away from Victor, laughing and waving.

"Thanks for the chest, Victor!"

Hermione turned attention towards the next set of floating boxes, which were between her and the far island. Once more Ramoth managed to get two, this time getting Hermione a banana and a squid.

"Well, at least I can't hurt anyone with these," Hermione said. She quickly ate the banana, tossing the skin behind her as she examined the small squid wriggling in her hands. A moment later, she heard a shriek.

Behind Hermione, Fleur and Gaston and flown right into the banana peel, which had caused Gaston's wings to miss a beat and sent the hapless pair plummeting towards the ground for a moment.

"Sorry again!' Hermione called, wincing at the devastation. When she looked forward, she saw Cedric just about to grab the second treasure chest. Pointing her squid forward, Hermione smacked it. A jet of ink squirted out of the squid, landing right in Cedric and Sieglinde's eyes. The pair swerved, missing the treasure chest as they tried to clear the ink out of their eyes.

However, this just allowed Victor to grab the chest, and the Bulgarian flew away cackling as he hoisted his treasure aboard. Hermione flew through the spray from the waterfall and made for the next island, dodging through the rainbows to hit more boxes. She acquired more coins, allowing her to close the gap on Victor. However, just as she was getting close, Victor turned and tossed out another banana peel, causing Ramoth to have to shy away and allowing the Bulgarian to pull further ahead. Just as Victor was about to swipe the floating chest from above the waterfall, there was a sound like thunder, and a great whooshing noise from behind. Victor reached for the chest, only for a blue bolt to slam into Karadza, causing the dragon to fall onto the island as a blue turtle shell spun off towards the forest below.

Hermione was able to snag the chest and strap it to Ramoth. Then they turned towards the next island. Along the way Hermione had to dodge several turtle shells that were hurled by the other champions. Thankfully, none were of the blue variety and she was able to maintain her lead. She snagged her second treasure chest and headed for the fifth island. She didn't make it very far before a bolt of magical energy struck her and Ramoth, causing them to shrink to a tiny size. Now only about the size of a large hawk, Ramoth was unable to maintain her speed and Fleur pulled into the lead at last, snagging the last chest and heading for the finish line, which was set between the peaks of the last and largest of the islands amidst twin rainbows.

After a few moments though the magic wore off and Hermione crouched low over Ramoth's back, urging her on. She snagged one final box, finding a crystalline star contained within. She was examining it when she heard the sound of another shell being fired. Instinctively Hermione crushed the star, causing a shower of sparkles to cascade over her. A loud and rapid paced song played, and the red shell Cedric had thrown bounced harmlessly off of her.

That was the last of the race though, and Fleur beat Hermione by several seconds, followed by Victor and finally Cedric. Fleur was awarded two chests for finishing first, while Hermione was awarded one for second place giving her three. Cedric and Victor both had one apiece, having finished third and fourth respectively.

"Congratulations to the victor!" Ludo Bagman boomed, and the crowd roared for Fleur, who waved and blew kisses. Hermione for her part just hugged Ramoth's head, glad no one had been seriously injured.

"Now, champions, let us see what you have earned in prizes!" Bagman said.

Hermione dutifully retrieved her first chest and opened it. Inside was a golden rapier. Hermione carefully reached in and picked up the sword, testing the edge. She winced: it was razor sharp. Inside of her next chest was a buckler, and the final one contained a breastplate and pauldrons. Fleur's chests contained a box and arrows as well as silver vambraces. Victor's had a stout bearded axe, and Cedric's a long lance. Hermione swallowed, looking around at the other champions as the crowd roared.

"Well, I guess that rules out a peaceful resolution. Sure you don't want to have another go at the race?"

 _Authors Note_

 _I was going to try to come up with a logical justification for why the dragon race turned into Mario Kart but then I realized I wasn't writing the kind of story where you do logical justifications._


	31. Chp 31: Indiana Weasley

_Chapter 31: Indiana Weasley and the Cursed Blood_

 _Dear Bill,_

 _Hello, it's Ron. I've got a bit of a problem here. As you may have heard, Hermione was chosen to be the Triwizard Champion. It was pretty brilliant at first, with her getting to be a dragon rider and then competing in a wicked race with the other champions. But now we've run into a problem. You see, the last task is supposed to be some sort of all out brawl between the champions and the dragons. All the other champions are bigger and stronger than Hermione. I know she's the Girl-Who-Fought-Monsters and all, but really all of that was blown out of proportion and I don't think she's ready to actually fight a bunch of dragons and riders even if Ramoth (that's her dragon) is there to help her. You're a pretty wicked curse breaker and not a bad fighter though. Any tips or ways you could help us? Charlie's mostly useless as he's besotted with that french witch and is fretting she'll be hurt or something. Write back soon._

 _Your brother, Ron_

Ron tied the letter onto Hedwig. "Go find Bill, girl. We're going to need help to get out of this mess."

Hedwig hooted, then flew from the owlery, across the lake and south to Egypt. Ron sighed. "I hope Bill knows someone who's decent at monster fighting and knows how to use weapons. Otherwise this is hopeless."

 _Meanwhile in Egypt_

Cairo was a city of many smells, Bill pondered. Some smells were quite lovely, such as falafel he was munching on for his breakfast as he strode along the streets of the muggle side of the city. He jumped out of the way of a motorcycle, noting that it emitted a distinctly unpleasant smell. While some people might think that Cairo would stink of camels and donkeys, the majority of the bad smells came from unwashed bodies in the desert heat, and the plethora of automobiles with only the barest of emission regulations. Still, Bill loved the place, even the muggle side. There was always something new and interesting, and he didn't have to worry about it raining all the bloody time like it did back in England.

Ducking down a side street as he finished his meal, Bill wiped his greasy hands on his leather duster and drew out his wand, checking around to make sure no one was watching. He tapped a pattern on an old drain pipe, and stepped through the opening into the Grand Bazaar. Similar to Diagon Alley back home, the Grand Bazar had all manner of shops, stalls, and institutions for those who were of a magical nature. Instead of a broom shop though, there was a magic carpet salesman, and instead of owls there were vendors of ibises and baboons. Making his way through the crowd, Bill arrived at the Cairo Gringotts branch, nodding to one of the clerks as he made his way up the granite steps. He paused at the top, noting an unusually attractive woman tapping her foot as she waited just outside the building.

"Need something, Miss?" Bill said, taking a moment to appreciate her delicate cheekbones and flawless skin.

The woman glanced at Bill, but quickly glanced away. "Not unless you are an expert curse breaker and master of ancient hieroglyphs," she muttered.

Bill grinned widely. It wasn't everyday you got an opening like that. He stuck out his hand. "Call me Bill, I'm a Senior Curse Breaker for Gringotts. Why don't you step inside and come to my office, and I'll see what I can help you with?"

The woman's eyes snapped back to Bill, and she arched an eyebrow, regarding his hand. After a moment, she extended her own hand. To Bill's surprise, her grip was strong and firm, unlike the delicate hand. "Well, Mr. Bill, perhaps you can indeed help me. I am Nareh of Blackwater."

"Charmed." Bill led the way into the back, glancing at a crotchety looking old man with an eye patch longing in the lobby. He was about to take a second look, when Nareh slid her arm into his, and Bill promptly forgot about everything else. He guided Nareh to his office, grinning at the jealous glances of his coworkers, even the goblins. Offering Nareh a seat, he sat behind his desk and pushed aside some of the paperwork he'd been working on the day before. Damn promotions. Always landed you with more busy work.

"Before we begin," Nareh said as soon as Bill had seated himself, "I must ask that everything I tell you be held in the strictest confidence."

Bill nodded. "Of course. Everything you tell a Gringotts employee during the course of business is held in the strictest confidence. And, if it helps, you have my word as a gentleman as well."

"Very well. You see, we believe we have discovered the source of the recent outbreak of plague in the Upper Nile delta. It appears that the true tomb of Imhotep has been found, and opened."

Bill raised an eyebrow at this pronouncement. "Well, that would be something. But people have been claiming to have found and opened the tomb of Imhotep for centuries, if not millennia. Who claims to have done it this time?"

Nareh looked Bill dead in the eye. "Hernan Cortez and his undead army."

Stifling a laugh, Bill put his hand over his mouth to hide his smile. "My dear, I'm afraid you're going to have to come up with a more convincing story than that. I'm more than willing to be employed, but if this is some venture to fleece the bank, I wouldn't buy it, not unless Gilderoy Lockhart himself barged in here and-What? Why are you giggling?"

"Oh, it's just that sort of thing tends to trigger his sense of dramatic timing. Please, say it again," Nareh said, glancing back at the door.

"What? Look, unless Gilderoy Lockhart himself barges in here and-"

The door banged open, and a man in a black bowler hat with a blonde mustache he was actually twirling poked his head in. "Nareh love, did you call for me?"

"Why yes, we were just talking about you Gilderoy," Nareh said, turning back and winking impishly at Bill. "I believe I've found a cursebreaker for our little venture."

"You...you're Gilderoy Lockhart," Bill stammered. Then he grimaced. "Um, sorry."

"Of course! It is none other than I, Gilderoy Lockhart, Monster Hunter….wait, you're sorry? Whatever for my dear fellow?"

"For my siblings behavior, sir," Bill said, standing and indicating a chair for Lockhart. "It was rather rotten of them to stun you and accuse you of being evil. I don't know what got into Harry and Hermione."

Lockhart blinked, then a slow grin spread over his face as he stepped in and sat down in the offered chair. "Wait. Red hair, famous cursebreaker, has two siblings named Harry and Hermione? You're William Weasley, aren't you?"

Nareh's eyes suddenly widened as her eyes snapped onto Bill's own. "You...you are a Weasley? One of the famous red headed clan responsible for defeating a dark lord and killing a dozen dementors?"

"Well, I mean, I wasn't there for all that, and really, the stories are somewhat exaggerated," Bill temporized. "Besides, Harry is adopted, and Hermione is more of an honorary Weasley."

"My dear sir, you are just what we are looking for!" Lockhart declared, standing back up. "Come, let us depart! Adventure awaits! We must close the tomb of Imhotep and defeat the vile Duke of the Night before he spreads his influence across the land!"

The next thing Bill knew, he was outside the bank along with Lockhart, Nareh, and the one eyed man from before. "Wait," Bill said, studying the weathered old man. "I know you. You're-"

"Vigil. Constance Vigil," the old man growled. "And don't you forget it."

Bill frowned, then started as he remembered something Harry had mentioned in one of his letters. "Oh right, of course. What was I thinking. Mad Eye is obviously still in Hogwarts, teaching."

The old man growled something under his breath, then jerked his head. "Come on, I've got the carpet parked back over here."

They made their way around to the back of the bank, where a large flying carpet had been rolled up in the shade. With a wave of his wand, Constance unrolled the carpet and everyone climbed aboard.

"Wait, have you even signed my contract yet?" Bill asked, hesitating before he sat down.

"Oh don't worry my boy, you'll be well remunerated for your efforts. Why, just ask my two companions here about their cut from the books sales!" Lockhart declared.

"It was rather substantial," Nareh said, pulling Bill down onto the carpet beside her.

"Yes, but the goblins won't-" Before Bill could finish his protest, the carpet lifted up into the air and began to soar across the city.

"Bloody hell, what about the muggles!" Bill swore, glancing down the the crowds of people and honking cars below them.

"What about the muggles?" Constance growled. "I've been putting up notice-me-not charms since you lot were in nappies. They won't catch a sniff of us."

Bill could only hang on as the carpet zoomed across the Nile and out into the desert. Soon civilization was only a glinting memory on the horizon as the hot winds blasted Bill's face. He conjured up a head wrap and put on his sunglasses.

"Well, it almost feels like home," he muttered to himself as he finished dressing for the elements.

"What was that?" Nareh called, having to shout over the rushing wind.

"I said it almost feels like home," Bill answered. "My siblings are always going on wacky adventures, taming dragons and fighting dark lords. Normally curse breaking is actually kind of boring and methodical. You go to old ruins, comb over them for possible traps, then spend a week working out ancient curses and breaking them. Lots of library time, actually."

"Well, I hope you're ready to get out of the library and into the action," Lockhart said, grinning widely. "No good story ended with the hero turning pages in a dusty old book."

Bill shrugged and tried to damp down on his nervousness. After all, he was a Weasley. He had plenty of adventures both at school at and in Egypt.

After several hours of flying, Bill spotted a dust storm rising high into the sky on the horizon.

"Turn back!" he told Constance. "We can't fly into that, we'll be blind and choke to death!"

"Never fear my Bill my lad," Lockhart declared, slowly standing atop the carpet. "The storm is our destination."

"He's mad! We've got to turn back, these sandstorms are suicide to fly into," Bill said, trying to take control of the carpet from Constance. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Nareh shaking her head.

"Relax, Mr. Weasley. Lockhart has a plan. He usually does, even if they do seem utterly mad."

Reluctantly Bill sat back as Lockhart raised his wand and began to chant, all while the roaring winds of the storm drew ever closer. Lockhart began to twirl his wand as he chanted, his voice lost in the cacophony of the sand storm. Soon, wind began to howl around the carpet, forming a cyclone. With a final yell, Lockhart brought his wand up as he twirled around. Just as they dived into the the sandstorm the cyclone around them solidified into a tunnel of wind, preventing the sandstorm from blasting them off the carpet.

"Huh. Neat trick," Bill commented, squinting at the tunnel of wind. "Is that a modified vacuum cleaning spell?"

"Indeed it is my dear boy," Lockhart said as he spun his wand through his fingers and holstered it at his side. "If one knows enough spells, you can repurpose them to any situation."

"Enough chatter, the tomb is just ahead," Constance growled. "We're approaching the center of the storm. Look sharp, that blood sucker is sure to have some surprises for us."

Bill nodded, then frowned. "Wait, blood sucker? I thought you claimed this was some undead conquistador or something."

"He is," Nareh answered. "Hernan Cortez is a vampire, as are his men. They were cursed by the ancient Aztec Blood priests when they butched Tenochtitlan."

Before Bill could ask any more questions, hims amulet of protection grew warm against his chest. He clutched it and raised his wand. "Dark magics ahead!"

"Be ready, we're at the eye of the storm over the tomb. I'm going to drop the barrier!" Lockhart called.

The moment Lockhart dropped the barrier, Bill felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise. He looked down to see a rocky canyon below them, along which were several dark recesses that could be caves. However, he also sensed the presences of dark spells, and he waved his wand searching for the leylines that could power the old curses.

"Set us down here, on the cliff. It looks to be clear," Bill called to Constance.

The old warrior put carpet down where Bill indicated, and the party hoped off, weapons at the ready. Lockhart has a sword in one hand, wand in the other, while Nareh had two long curved knives and Constance was wielding a battle axe that glowed with arcane runes. For his part Bill had his wand and several magical tools used in curse breaking slung in a travel bag across his back.

"You said there were vampires, right?" Bill asked, waving his wand and conjuring several cloves of garlic. Spelled garlic wasn't the best weapon against vampires, but it could make them hesitate.

"Yes," Lockhart said, calmly taking out a large silver crucifix. "Don't bother with the garlic my boy, these nasties are hundreds of years old and veteran warriors. You'll need more than herbs to make them hesitate."

"I'd prefer just to kill them," Constance growled. "Come on, let's make for the tomb entrance. We don't want Cortez to have time enough to finish his ritual."

"Just why, exactly, is a vampire conquistador doing here?" Bill asked as they made their way down a narrow switch back into the canyon.

"As I said earlier, Cortez and his men were cursed," Nareh explained in a low voice as they made their way down the trail. "They've been searching for a cure for their vampirism for the past few hundred years."

Bill grunted. "I guess that makes sense, being a vampire isn't exactly fun."

"Yes, but they don't just want a cure. They're immortal now, and they want to retain that mortality. They've come to the tomb of Imhotep because they believe it holds to key to another form of longevity."

"What, the curse of the mummy? They want to be undead servitors?" Bill demanded. "That's madness."

"This is only a part of their plan, Mr. Weasley," Lockhart said from the front of their procession. "They believe that the secrets contained within Imhotep's copy of the book of the dead when combined with ancient Aztec blood rites and several other secrets they have obtained will allow them the eternal life without the blood thirst they seek."

"It is rumored that other magicians assassinated Imhotep because he discovered some dark secrets," Bill admitted. "I'm fairly certain it was his work Herpo the Foul built on with his own bid for immortality."

"Be quiet, there's the entrance," Constance hissed.

The entrance to the tomb appeared to simply be a small cave about halfway up the canyon, carved there by wind and sand over millennia. Dead grass and dry tree roots were found near the entrance, but Bill noted places where the dust had been disturbed and the sandstone chipped and shattered by recent activity.

"Wait, let me check and see if someone put up any wards or alarm spells," Bill said, pushing his way forward. He drew out several pieces of chalk and rubbed it with his hands, whispering a revealing charm as he did so. Then he clapped his hands and blew, causing the spelled chalk dust to billow into the shallow cave.

Sure enough, several spells were revealed. Most of them were ancient anti-grave robbing wards; muggle repellers, concealment charms, and a few minor curses. However, there were also several far more recent alarm spells and a very nasty blood ward that would cause blood poisoning and delirium if anything living crossed it.

"Right, this is pretty standard stuff. I believe you about the Aztec stuff now, that blood ward is straight out of something a bloke from Chichen Itzan tried to use on me when I caught him trying to break into one of our clients holdings a few years back. Hold on, I'll have this sorted out."

"Isn't Chichen Itzan Neo-Mayan, not Aztec?" Lockhart asked as Bill worked.

"Yeah, that's true, but that last Dark Lord out of Tenochtitlan recruited a lot of South American wizards for his war with the Duchy of Texas," Bill answered as he weaved a complex set of spells to disable the wards. "Trained a lot of them in old Aztec Blood Magic. Nasty stuff. The guy I dealt with was one of his old Jaguar Warriors who was in hiding."

"What happened to him?" Nareh asked, watching as Bill finished the last of his charms.

"Oh, turned his own spell back on him. He exsanguinated himself trying to cure it in his madness. Really disgusting. Right, that's done it. Be careful though, I'm willing to be there's more just inside."

Once more Lockhart took the lead, with Constance bringing up the rear, his one eye constantly roaming as he searched for danger. The entrance was hidden within a granite boulder, which Lockhart knew the spell to cause it to melt into a puddle. Bill poked his wand into the entrance, and shone a bit of wandlight in.

The light was met with howls of anger, and Bill lept back swearing as a pike blade was thrust towards him from within the tomb. Behind them there were more unearthly howls, as from the canyon floor skeletal birds rose into the air from the dust and sand. They were bound together by strips of desiccated flesh and dark magic, and the eyes of the birds burned with crimson flame.

Bill swore, unleashing a volley of blasting and bludgeoning charms into the tomb entrance as he backpedaled away from the thrusting weapons. His spells revealed the forms of men in ancient steel armor, armed with pikes, swords, and even a few muskets. Bills spells forced the vampires back momentarily, but he lost his footing on the sandy rock, slipping towards the edge where Constance and Nareh battled the undead vultures.

Lockhart grabbed Bill's shoulder, then hurled him off to the side further into the cave. Holding up the crucifix, Lockhart shouted, " _Fiat Lux_!" The silvery cross blossomed into radiant light, which revealed the vampires for what they were: pale horrors with sharp fangs and bloodstained beards. The vampires shrieked in agony, but several fired off their muskets as they retreated down the stairs further into the tomb.

Bill gasped for breath as he clung to the rocks, watching Nareh and Constance work. Nareh's knives were a whirlwind, slicing through the bones and flesh of the constructs with ease. She was also conjuring flame with a simple gesture, using it to light the bone dry foes aflame.

For his part, Constance was using the battle axe to smash the birds back down to the canyon floor in an unsubtle frontal assault. Once he had beaten back the first wave, Constance drew his wand and thrust it towards his foes. " _Glacies Tempestas_!"

The air froze and grew heavy with ice, causing the remaining risen birds to freeze and fall, shattering against the rocks on the canyon floor.

"Quick, into the tomb, I fear our foe is already at work," Lockhart ordered, then lead the way down.

Nareh followed, and Bill was hot on her heels as Constance once more acted as the vanguard. As they descended Bill used a quick lumos spell and raised his wand, gazing around at the ancient hieroglyphs and paintings. He was tempted to stop and try to decipher some of them to learn the ancient secrets, but he hurried after Nareh, unwilling to be left alone in the darkness.

After a few minutes of descending, Bill heard the sound of dripping water. He put a hand on Nareh's shouldering, hissing at her to stop.

"Wait! If there is water, it is likely to contain something! The ancient Egyptian wizards would use underground rivers to bind powerful spells upon, like their River of Night. Often they would use this to contain powerful guardians that would be unleashed if any dared cross over."

"You are correct Mr. Weasley," Lockhart said, pausing his descent and catching his breath. "But I fear that the water will no longer be running, and the guardians slain. As you well know, vampires have some difficulty crossing running water themselves, as do most undead. Cortez and his minions would have had to stop the flow."

They proceeded further with caution, Lockhart and Bill checking for traps and wards. There were many laid upon the last steps, but they had already been broken. Still, Bill spied a mundane looking tripwire, which he carefully spelled so that it would remain taught at both ends, then severed so they could proceed. He found several black powder kegs at the end of the wire and clucked his tongue. "What do those vampires think we are, muggles? It's not like a mine could stop us."

"Ah, but what of this?" Lockhart asked, using his sword to point at pieces of metal embedded in the keg. Upon closer inspection, Bill found they had several crude runes carved into them. "Lodestone spikes. Would have gone through any spell shield you put up just to stop the explosion. Don't underestimate our foe young man. They are ancient, evil, and cunning."

A short distance after the booby trap, the party found a dripping wet section of ground. Bill could hear the water flowing off in the distance, down some dark hole. He tightened his grip on his wand. "There are certain to be more vampires around the corner, as well as any guardians left. We must proceed with caution."

They crossed over the wet stone without incident, but no sooner were they on the other side then there was a roaring sound. Bill grabbed onto Nareh and flung her forward with all his might, then used his wand to launch a blasting charm at the ground to fly through the air a dozen yards before crashing into the stone next to her. Lockhart had leapt forward, but Constance had been forced to go back over the ground as a wave of water swept over where they had been standing.

"Another trap," Bill spat, climbing quickly to his feet.

"Ah, Señor Lockhart. It is good of you to join us, once more," a deep voice purred from the darkness beyond.

A torch flared to life, then another, and soon the chamber they were in was filled with flickering torchlight. Bill shielded his eyes as gleaming metal was revealed all around him. Much of it was gold, copper, and silver, relics from the tomb of the greatest Egyptian wizard to have ever lived. The walls were now shaped stone covered with protective wards and paintings of the many great deeds of Imhotep in life, and the moved and shimmered with magic playing out the events over and over like the photos of a newspaper.

But not all of the metal was treasure. Some of it was worn by a score of vampires in the form of weathered conquistador armor and weapons. Their leaders stepped forward, a man with a pointed oiled beard and an aristocratic nose in gilded plate. He bowed to the Lockhart, smiling as he did so.

"It is so good of you to join us once more," Cortez purred in lightly accented english. "After our little adventure in Nicaragua, I feared I would not have the pleasure of killing you myself. And yet, here you are. Alas, I do not have time to do the dead myself. But fear not, my men and our new pets will attend to you and your consorts. Farewell for the last time, Gilderoy Lockhart."

"Cortez you dog, do not turn your back on me!" Lockhart hissed, extending the silver cross with one hand.

Cortez laughed. "I am a man of God, Lockhart, not some heathen filth like you usually fight. That holds no power over me. But, please. See if it works on the pets of another deity. I am interested to know the results. For academic reasons, of course." With that, the Conquistador leader turned away, and with a swirl of his cape left the treasure room for the deeper recess of the tomb, flanked by two dark faced men in jaguar cloaks.

Lockhart lifted the cross once more, and bellowed, " _In nomine Dei ardeat!_ "

Several of the conquistadors hissed and stepped back, their faces smoking slightly as their eyes burned crimson with anger. But they did not fall, and there was a roar.

"Who dares defile these chambers with the pathetic deity of the slaves!" a voice bellowed in ancient Egyptian.

Bill grabbed Lockhart and forced his hand down. "Woah there, you don't want to go invoking that particular brand of magic here. Other beings fancy themselves god in these parts."

The ground trembled, and the vampires stepped back, grinning at the party.

"Ahora te mueres, idiotas," one of them laughed.

Nareh conjured flames with a snarl, but Bill waved her down. "Kneel, quickly. And unless you speak Ancient Egyptian, don't make a peep."

From one of the side passages, a massive creature emerged. It had the head of a ram with the body of a lion, and its eyes glowed with power.

"Oh great guardian, we come not to defile these chambers," Bill said, withdrawing from his bag a staff with a jackal head and kneeling. "We are servants of the Kingdom, come here to drive grave robbers away and restore the sanctity of your domain."

The criosphinx snorted, glaring down at Bill. "So you say, and yet the priests who came before you spoke also the language of the priests and made the proper offerings. They also did not bring with them the god of the slaves to defile these sacred chambers."

"Forgive my man servant, he was overcome with zeal upon seeing the undead abominations that escape the grasp of Anubis, for their hearts have already been devoured by Ammit. Great guardian, can you not smell the stench of death and blood upon them? They have blinded you with foul magics! Please, allow me to cleanse you, that the Tomb of Great Imhotep might once again be safe."

"Lies!" the Criosphinx roared, charging up to Bill and raking the stone with its claws. But it did not strike, and Bill held firm.

"Look at them! They defile this tomb! Search us, and you will find that we have stolen no treasures of your master. But look upon these plunderers! They come clad in gold, and yet they seek to loot this sacred place and claim its riches for themselves!"

The sphinx paused in its display of ferocity, then slowly turned to half face the vampires. "Is it true? Have you taken up the treasures of the masters?"

"¿Qué dice la bestia?" one of the vampires muttered. "¿Por qué no los mata?"

"Silencio, tonto. Hará la oferta del jefe."

"See? They speak not the language of the priests now, but a language not even known to the king of the underworld," Bill said quickly, standing and pointing his rod at the vampires. "Servants of Anubis, come forth and slay these creatures!"

Ghostly jackals appeared from the shadows cast by the torches, stalking towards the vampires. The criosphinx pawed the ground, uncertain. "What is… but I must… I was told…"

"Now Lockhart, break the enchantment on the sphinx!" Bill ordered. Together the two wizards waved their wands, and there was a sound like tearing fabric.

"Graaah! I have been deceived! Usurpers! Trespassers! Die!" the sphinx turned and charged the group of vampires as the jackals bayed and lept forward.

However, the vampires were ready. They moved with inhuman grace and speed, leaping out of the way of the sphinx's charge and slashing with their weapons. Several of the cried out, flinging out vials of red blood at the tomb guardian. The vials shattered and the sphinx bellowed with rage as its hide was scoured by blood magic and steel.

"Now!" Lockhart roared. He tucked away the cross and drew his sword, rushing forward to strike at the nearest vampire.

The ancient spaniard was caught off guard, but it managed to bring up an ancient pistol and fire a shot at the charging wizard. However, such a weapon was nearly useless against a trained battle mage, and Lockhart batted the bullet aside with a spell, the skewered the vampire in his groin where his armor was weak. The vampire hissed in pain, and Lockhart leveled his wand. "Sagritta lucem!" A dart of pure light flashed out and slammed into the vampires jaw. Instantly the creature was flung away from Lockhart into the air, where it exploded into a spray of blood and metal shrapnel from its armor.

Bill for his part was controlling his jackals, urging them to open a path for the party with his priest's rod Nareh was at his side, using her knives to battered aside the assault from a vampire, then shooting balls of flame at it. The creature hissed in pain and retreated, only for one of Bill's spectral beasts to latch onto his legs and drag him down to tear at his throat.

"Quickly, after Cortez!" Lockhart ordered. "Constance, make ready the way out! We may wish to leave in a hurry!"

"Don't tell me not to piss into the wind you upstart!" Constance bellowed as they rushed after their foe.

As the sounds of battle faded behind them, Bill tried to catch his breath. "Be careful, Imhotep was powerful. More traps, don't know what kind."

"Caution is no longer a virtue at this juncture," Lockhart said, continuing to stride forward with purpose. "Cortez must not find that book!"

They rounded a bend to find themselves face to face with the two jaguar priests, who barred their way before a door laden with dozens of potent hieroglyphic spells.

"You are too late, Lockhart!" Cortez hissed. "The book his mine!" he raised his hands and the door swung open.

Lockhart tired to launch a spell at the jaguar priest, but the man raised a battle staff and conjured a potent shield. Bill and Nareh's attacks splashed harmlessly off of the other priest's shield, and both sides prepared for battle.

"At last, I have-" Cortez began, but then stopped. He coughed twice, clutching his chest.

From the door, a dark smoke rose.

"Shields!" Bill barked, and used both his staff and wand to conjure a powerful barrier to keep even air from coming towards him.

The door behind Cortez continued to swing open, and more black smoke swirled as the ancient vampire sank to his knees. Then, a bandaged hand reached out and grabbed the door frame. From within the tomb, a desiccated figure dragged itself.

"Ah, at last. It has been too long. Once more, the Great Imhotep may walk amongst mortals." A bandaged shrouded figure came forth from the tomb, crowned with gold and bearing a rod and staff topped with royal falcons.

The jaguar priests turned, raising their staves, but too late. The mummy reached out and grabbed them, draining the life from them with a touch. The dessicated flesh dissolved to dust, and the two priests bones clattered to the floor.

"Ah, the life force of magicians. Long has it been since I tasted it. And what is this? What a foul creature you are. No matter, your life force is mine." Imhotep reached out to grab Cortez, only for the conquistador to snarl and dig claws of his own into the frayed linens wrappings.

"No soy un perro para acostarme y morir. Si quieres mi vida, ven y reclámala!" with a battle roar, Cortez surged to his feet, baring his fangs and slamming Imhotep into the wall, forcing the mummy to drop his magical instruments.

"Well bugger," Bill muttered. "What do we do now?"

"Hmm. It appears this tomb was also a prison," Lockhart mused. "I suppose we should secure it once more. Think you're up for a bit of sealing my ginger friend?"

Bill nodded, and together he and Lockhart dropped their shields, hurling out a stream of magical force. It caught both the grabbling monsters, hurling them back into the tomb. Lockhart waved his wand, and the doors slammed shut. As he did so, Bill began to renew the bindings and wardings on the door, sealing it once more.

"Quick, back the way we came!" Bill shouted, and the three turned and ran.

This time Nareh took the lead as Bill and Lockhart used their magic to reset the bindings as they passed over them. Soon they were back in the treasure room, where the bellowing criosphinx still fought. Several vampires lay broken and bleeding amidst the gold, but others were clinging onto the sphinx, sucking its blood or hacking at it with weapons and spells.

The trio ignored the battle, hurrying back towards the warding stream. Constance used his wand to part the waters, and they rushed back across.

"Cortez?" Constance asked as they fled back up the stairs.

"Occupied. Perhaps for a long time," Lockhart panted. "Best not to stick around to find out though."

Soon they were back at the tomb entrance. They rested briefly, then Bill began reconstructing the wards. He added several alarm spells that he could monitor, and would pass on to the Egyptian Sepat.

"Right, that's done it. Let's get out of here," Bill declared. "I don't want to stick around to find out who won that particular dust up."

"Too right my boy," Lockhart laughed.

Soon they were once more on the carpet, flying off into the night sky.

The next morning, Bill awoke at his flat. He groaned and rubbed his head.

"Was that all just a dream?" he wondered.

"I should hope not," a voice said from his doorway.

Bill swore, drawing his wand before realising who it was. "Nareh? My God, then it all happened! The tomb, Cortez, Imhotep!"

"Indeed," Nareh said. "Come, I've made coffee, but I am no maid. You must get breakfast yourself."

Bill quickly dressed and came into the small kitchen of his flat, looking around. "Hope the couch was alright. I'm surprised you didn't want to go back to your hotel with Lockhart and Constance."

"The couch was fine," Nareh said, handing Bill a cup of freshly brewed coffee. "And I'm quite certain Lockhart finished seducing that waitress from the cafe. I had no desire to be around that. As for Constance, I have no idea where he sleeps. He refuses to tell anyone. I'm half convinced he sleeps in that peg leg of his which he shrinks and hides in an alley somewhere."

Bill grunted, reaching into his ice box and rummaging around. Finally, he blushed and pulled out a box of frozen breakfast sandwiches. "Er, hope you don't mind. They're muggle, but they're good. Not really keen on cooking myself."

"They will suffice," Nareh laughed.

After a rather nice breakfast, Bill hurried into the office, hoping to avoid notice. He snuck past the front desk and unlocked his door, only to come up short.

"Er, hello, Grenzo," he said, nodding to the goblin seated at his desk.

"Mister Weasley. Please, come in."

Wincing, Bill entered and sat down.

Half an hour later, he stormed out of the bank, swearing. "Leave without pay for six months! All for taking one bloody job off bloody contract! I would have fixed the bloody paperwork if that bastard hadn't-"

He stormed back to his flat, where he found Nareh feeding a snowy owl.

"Oh! Hello, Hedwig," Bill said.

"She is beautiful," Nareh said, stroking Hedwig's feathers as the bird preened at the praise. "And she has brought you a letter. Though you are back quite early. Trouble at work?"

"Bloody goblins," Bill grumbled. He opened the letter, his eyebrows climbing as he did so. "Bloody hell. Seems like Hermione's got herself in trouble again."

Just then, his door banged open. "Did someone speak the name of my nemesis?" Lockhart demanded as he strode in.

Bill jumped back, alarmed, but Nareh just rolled her eyes. "Get used to it. As I said, he has an incredible sense of dramatic timing."

"It's a letter from Ron, my little brother," Bill said, eyeing Lockhart suspiciously. "Seems Hermione's got herself in some sort of death tournament and needs a sword master."

Lockhart beamed. "Why, I was just thinking I could do with a visit back in jolly old england. Got to get my next book published you know. 'Terror of the Tomb.' Has a nice ring to it, I think."

"You...you'd be willing to train Hermione?" Bill asked, still trying to figure out what was going on.

"Of course! Nareh dear, I suppose here is where we must part ways. I know it is difficult, but, one day you may yet find love again, despite the fact that your heart will ever-"

"I have never been to England. I rather think I would enjoy it," Nareh stated, sipping at her coffee. "That is, if Bill does not mind. I am rather interested to meet his siblings. They sound fascinating."

"Er, of course, I'd love to have the chance to introduce you," Bill stammered.

"Capital! Come on then, let's collect Contance from his hole and be on our way then," Lockhart said.

And that was how Bill found himself on the deck of the _Weatherlight_ , his possessions still in his flat, and himself practically unemployed and with no idea how he'd tell his landlord where he'd gone.

He blinked, looking over at Nareh in their cabin as Cairo faded into the distance. "Never a dull moment, I suppose?"

Nareh just laughed.

 _Authors Note:_

 _Dun dan dun dah, dun dah dun~_


	32. Chp 32: The Boys are Back in Town

_Chapter 32: The Boys are Back In Town_

McGonagall was having a quiet morning, trying to enjoy the fact that for whatever reason, the Weasley twins were still on abnormally good behavior. With the rest of the Weasley children distracted by the coming Battle Royale and the care of the dragons, things around Gryffindor had nearly calmed down to normal levels even with the added Beauxbaton and Durmstrang students to monitor.

Still, for some reason, McGonagall could not shake a sense of impending doom.

"Minerva, are you certain you need that much?" Poppy whispered as she passed her friend another batch of calming draughts. "Things seem...well, I don't want to say normal, but calmer, at least."

"I know," McGonagall said, shaking her head. "But it's my nerves. Something's coming, Poppy. I just know it."

"Well, just a bit with breakfast, not too much. I want to try weaning us all off of-"

The door to the Great Hall banged open, which caused several heads to turn as the Weasley's were already seated at the back table.

Pomfrey and McGonagall froze, looking up with wide eyes. "Oh no. Not him."

"Behold!" a loud voice cried. "I have returned! Mwahahahahah!"

But it was not Gilderoy Lockhart, who was posing dramatically in the doorway that had caused McGonagall's blood to run cold. Next to Lockhart was a young man with long red hair and several prominent scars on his face.

"Oi Ron, ya miss me?"

"Bill!" Ron jumped up out of his seat and ran towards his eldest brother. "You actually came! And you brought Lockhart!"

Bill hugged Ron, then tossed him over his shoulder with a whoop. "Good morning Weasleys!"

Harry, Luna, and Hermione all cheered and ran over to hug their eldest brother. Charlie laughed and stood, elbowing Percy who was reading the morning paper and sipping tea. "Come on Percy, aren't you going to say hi to Bill?"

"Hello, William," Percy said absently. "I've got the paperwork for you to begin as the training master for the champions here, I'm going to need your signature."

"Oh come off it Percy," Bill said, coming over and dragging Percy into a hug. "I came across a whole continent for this!"

"Ack!" Percy gasped, and dropped the paper, revealing a wedding planner hidden within it's pages.

"Oh ho, I see you've got your mind on other things," Bill laughed. "Well, I suppose that is forgivable then. Anyway, I suppose Lockhart and I will be staying at the school for a while, we've got to-"

"NO!" McGonagall screeched, standing as her eyes almost bugged out of her head. "No more! We've got enough Weasleys here! This has to be illegal!"

"No, it's perfectly legal," Percy protested, hiding his wedding planner and drawing out several sheets of parchment. "William is to be employed as a temporary Special Deputy Assistant in the Department of Magical Games and Sports. I have it authorized by both my own Department of Magical Transportation via Mr. Crouch and by Ludo Bagman the Minister of Games and Sports. Oh, and the Headmaster signed this special dispensation for housing with Charles and the other dragon handlers."

"Albus!" McGonagall growled, glaring at Dumbledore. "How could you?"

"With the lovely quill you gave me for Christmas, Minerva," the Headmaster answered jovially. "Not to worry, not to worry, Gilderoy and his assistants will be training the champions in the art of battling deadly monsters."

"Thought that was my job," Moody grumbled. Then he suddenly paled. "Wait, all his assistants? What about that Constance Vigil fellow?"

"Don't worry, we'll keep your cousin well out of your way, Alastor," Lockhart said breezily as he strode up to the head table and began ordering breakfast from a house elf.

"Bill, not that I'm complaining, but why did you come?" Hermione asked. "How did you know I needed a teacher for the final task?"

"Why, it was Ron's letter," Bill replied. "He wrote me begging to find some help for you. As it happened, I'd just finished this job with Lockhart. You see, we were after Hernan Cortez and his undead army…."

After breakfast, Hermione cornered Ron in a broom closet on their way to class.

"Thank you," she said, kissing him full on the lips. "You've been very thoughtful. However can I repay you?"

"Oh, well, you know, happy to help," Ron said, blushing. "I suppose you could let me train with Lockhart. You know, if it's not too much trouble."

Hermione giggled, then kissed Ron again. "You know, I might be able to do that. I also had something else in mind."

They managed to miss transfiguration, which as it turned out was only good for McGonagall's peace of mind even though she really should have been more suspicious in this case

Later that day, Lockhart lined up the champions and their dragons, along with the weapons they had recovered from their race. Fleur glared at Lockhart and at Nareh, who was standing off to the side and tossing a knife in one hand. "Zis is ridiculous. We are witches and wizards. We have no need of your silly training."

"Some wizards claim that magic is the only weapon one will ever need," Lockhart said, striding back and forth while his cape billowed out behind them. "These are the same sorts of fellows that think that a muggle could never manage to harm them. You there, dour looking fellow, what's your name?"

"Is Victor Krum. You may have heard of me," Victor said dryly.

"Oh I don't think so, you probably aren't as famous as I am," Lockhart said casually. He didn't seem to notice the way Victor's jaw clenched, or the way that Ginny had to be restrained by Luna and Harry from saying something unprintable. "But, please, do you know any shielding charms?"

"Of course," Victor said, raising his wand. " _Protego_!"

"Ah, the classic shield charm," Lockhart said, carefully stepping around Victor and forcing everyone else to move. "Protects against most spells, _reducto_!"

The blasting curse splashed off Victor's shield, causing him to smirk.

"And of course, against most physical attacks. Nareh?"

Lockhart's companion hurled a knife directly at Victor's head, causing him to flinch to the side. However, the blade simply bounced off of the shield, nearly careening into Fleur and causing her to glare at the other veela. "Boudin," the french witch muttered, and stepped protectively towards Charlie.

"So vhat is point?" Victor said, crossing his arms over his chest. "Shield charm is perfect. Do not need silly armor or weapons."

"Because I could do this!" Lockhart shouted, stepping forward and thrusting his rapier straight through the shield charm and lancing Victor right in the left forearm.

Victor howled in shock, dropping his wand in panic and backing away from Lockhart. Cedric drew his own wand and leveled it at Lockhart, and Hermione actually fired off two stunners, which the master monster hunter only just managed to dodge.

"Ah ha! Not this time, my nemesis! You must do better than that!"

"I'll bloody kill you!" Ginny shrieked, firing off her own barrage of bat bogey hexes.

"Peace," Victor said, wincing and picking up his wand. "His point is vell made. Is scratch, will heal easily."

"Here, let me help," Luna offered, coming over and grabbing Victors arm. " _Ductapis!"_

Instantly, the wound was sealed, and Victor nodded his thanks, flexing his arm. "So, perhaps magic is not completely perfect. Still, is better than silly sword. If vas real fight, and you had sword and I vand, vould beat you easily."

"Care to test that?" Lockhart demanded, waggling his eyebrows.

Victor hesitated, then shook his head. "No, perhaps not."

"Wise. I would have trounced you my boy."

"But how did you get through his shield?" Cedric demanded. "Did you use wandless magic or something?"

"Or something," Hermione said, pointing to the sword. "Look at it. See that extra shiny bit on the blade? I bet those are silver inlaid runes inscribing some sort of enchantment specifically to break through magical protections."

"Precisely," Lockhart agreed, holding up the sword so that all could see it clearly. "I have several enchantments on this blade, from making it unbreakable and unnaturally sharp to dispelling most magic it comes in contact with. This blade cuts spells."

"So you are having one veapon for killing vizards. Does not mean wand is still not better veapon," Victor grumbled.

Lockhart clucked his tongue. "I thought you had learned Vance."

"Victor."

"Yes, that. Now, watch carefully. _Reducto_!" Lockhart fired off a blasting charm straight at Karadzha, causing both dragon and rider to bellow in rage. Victor raised his wand and fired off several very dark curses, which Lockhart batted aside with his blade or sidestepped. "Ah ha! You have some spirit after all. But tell me my good fellow, is your dragon harmed?"

Victor spun, looking to Karadzha. The dragon spread its wings and roared, but appeared unharmed. "Hmph. He is fine. You is fortunate in that, or he vould be using your bones as toothpicks."

"No, I simply know dragons," Lockhart answered mildly. "Dragons are, as many of the more interesting magical creatures are, immune to most spells. I may have taken off a scale or two, but I'd have to do a lot more than that to take a brute of that size down. In fact, my sword would be a far better weapon. Or perhaps a charmed crossbow like that fellow Hagrid has. My point is, a wand is not often the best of weapons. Out of all those here, excluding the dragons and myself, who is the most dangerous?"

"Hermione," everyone but Hermione chorused.

Lockhart clucked his tongue and shook his head. "Not a bad answer, but not correct. Guess again."

The Weasleys all looked to their eldest sibling. "Bill?" Ron ventured.

"Charlie," Harry replied. "He's faster."

"I'm not," Bill said, shaking his head. "And neither is Charlie."

"Her," Fleur growled, pointing at Nareh.

The Moroccan veela bowed, spinning a knife through her fingers.

"But she hasn't even a wand," Ron protested. "Bill's way more dangerous."

"Nareh would skin me alive in an instant in straight up fight," Bill said, shaking his head. "Which is why I'd never ever fight her fairly. In fact, if you're a wizard and you're fighting fairly you're bloody doing it wrong. You're best weapon is preparation and knowing your opponent, then manipulating the environment and magic so that the battle is over before it even starts."

"A wand does not a dangerous foe make," Nareh said. "Though I believe William sells himself short, as he is a very competent wizard. Your mind, young scions of magic, is your best weapon."

Fleur sniffed and stuck her nose up in the air. "Zhen we use our minds. We prepare. We manipulate. We do not need to use such crass weapons as these." She gestured to her bow and arrows.

"Ah, but you are going to be thrust into an arena," Lockhart declared. "I have been given the honor of previewing the foes you shall face, and how you shall face them. You will have little time to prepair, and less to manipulate. You will have to react and fight quickly, against foes that can bend your magic against you. You will need more than wands."

"He's probably right," Hermione admitted. "Supreme Danger Noodle didn't go down with just a wave of a wand. It took a lot of fireworks for that."

Reluctantly, the Champions agreed.

"Excellent!" Lockhart said, clapping his hands. "Now to begin. Pick up your weapons."

The champions reluctantly did so, awkwardly holding them.

"And now, we fight. Let loose the ROUS's!"

"Do what?" Hermione said, but no sooner were the words out of his mouth then there was the sound of squeaking in the distance.

"Vhat is ROUS?" Victor demanded.

"Rodents Of Unusual Size," Luna called as she and Harry jumped the fence to the dragon enclosure.

"I don't zhink they exist," Fleur scoffed.

No sooner were the words out of her mouth than there was a snarling noise, and a rat the size of a boar lept out of a bush and crashed into her.

The battle was soon joined as more rats appeared, causing the champions to wail and swear as they fought off the rats.

"Why ROUS's I wonder?" Harry asked Luna as they watched from the sidelines.

"Tradition," Luna informed him. "Every new hero has to start off fighting giant rats. Really, this would thing should have taken place in a pub. We'll have to be careful, or the Monster Hunters Guild is going to fine us for violating workplace regulations."

"Don't worry my dear, they make an exception for minors," Lockhart called. "Plus, I'm an official representative, so it's all legal."

Ten minutes later, all the rats were dead, and everyone hurried over to heal up the wounds of the injured.

"You're mad," Ron growled at Lockhart. "They could have been killed!"

"Then I would have intervened," Lockhart said with a shrug. "You can't fake combat my boy, I thought I taught you that two years ago. The best way to learn is by doing."

"Why didn't you start off with at least teaching us how to use our weapons!" Hermione demanded. "Fleur didn't even figure out how to shoot an arrow until half the rats were dead! She was just stabbing them a broken one!"

Lockhart rolled his eyes. "Then perhaps you should have begun to familiarize yourselves with your gear before summoning an expert. Very well, come over here. Let us begin with which is the pointy bit."

"Now that's just patronizing," Cedric grumbled.

"Quiet. You is vanting more rats?" Victor hissed.

Cedric shrugged, and decided to shut up.

That evening, Bill made his way up to Gryffindor tower.

"Password?" the Fat Lady demanded.

"Bloody hell woman, how should I know that? I'm just here to check on the twins. Familial visit and all that. Don't you recognize me?"

"Well of course I do, but I can't just let you in without a password," the Fat Lady protested. "Cadogan did that with Sirius Black, and look how that turned out!"

"Oi, you, what's the password?" Bill demanded of a nervous looking boy who was trying to sneak around him.

"Um, I don't remember," Neville said, still trying to get by.

"I don't remember?" Bill volunteered to the portrait. When she just sniffed and looked away, Bill rolled his eyes and strode up to the portrait and started banging on it.

"Oi, Fred, George, open up in there!"

"Ack! Ack! Alright, alright, I'll let you in, just stop banging my frame!" the portrait swung open, and Bill strode in. He walked towards the boys dorms, then paused. The sounds of Celestina Warbeck singing "You Broke My Wand (and My Heart)" were coming from up the stairs. Slowly, Bill walked up the stairs to the door marked "DANGER: ALL TRESPASSERS WILL BE MADE INTO GINGERS."

Slowly, Bill opened the door and peeked in.

Inside was a scene that made his jaw drop. Fred and George were sprawled on the floor next to an enormous pile of tissues. They were both sobbing and singing along to the music, utterly off key.

"You snapped my heartstrings like you snapped my heart

Oh baby my magic is gone without you."

Bill slowly closed the door and shook his head, trying to understand what he'd just seen. He put his ear to the door, trying to figure out what was happening as the song came to an end.

"We'll never see them again," Fred sobbed.

"My beautiful angel," George wailed.

"Life is meaningless!"

"Put on that muggle stuff, I'm tried of Warbeck."

There was the sound of a record player scratching, then a strange jazzy tune began play.

"You've lost that lovin' feeling," Fred and George bawled, then collapsed into sobs as the record continued to play.

There was a sound behind Bill, and he turned to see Harry and Luna coming into the common room. Bill hurried down the stairs, jerking a thumb over his shoulder to the twins room, where their caterwauling could still be heard.

"What's wrong with those two?" Bill demanded. "I've hardly seen them at all, and now they're in their room listening to some muggle trash and bawling like infants."

"Yeah, they do that a lot now," Harry said absently, taking out a stack of parchment to start on homework.

"They've been awful since Christmas," Luna confided. "It just keeps getting worse. Honestly, even the nargles are getting fed up with them. Angelina and Alicia have moved on. So should they."

"I just wish they'd get some new records," Harry grumbled. "I'm sick of Celestina and they only have the two muggle ones."

"They've been like this since Christmas? Blood hell, it's March now!" Bill swore. "Haven't you tried to do something about this?"

"Oh we did," Harry assured Bill. "We've tried cheering them up all sorts of ways. Putting snakes in their shoes-"

"Turning Mrs. Norris' hair purple," Luna added.

"Getting Fleur to have some of her friends flirt with them."

"Getting a blibbering humdinger to suck up the sadness."

"But nothing works. Honest."

Bill looked back and forth between the two. "Well have you tried telling mum about it?"

"Yes," Luna said, nodding her head. "She says they deserve it."

"Dad told me to let him know when they stop and to make sure they don't hurt them selves," Harry confided.

Bill nearly tore his hair out. "Bloody hell. Alright, I'll handle this."

With long strides Bill hurried up the stairs and just about kicked down the door.

"Right, Bill's home, pity party's over. Come on you two."

"What-" the twins squawked, but before they could react Bill had taken each of them under one arm and was carrying them down the corridor. He took the wriggling and protesting boys out the portrait hole and towards the exit.

"What's going on!" McGonagall shrieked, flying up the stairs at the sound of Weasley's leaving the common room. "Oh, Bill, it's you. What are you doing with the twins?"

"Help!" Fred called.

"He's torturing us!" George added.

"I'm taking them for a swim, Professor," Bill called. "Won't be long. I'll have them back before 10, never you worry."

McGonagall hissed and glared at Bill, but didn't protest.

"Bloody hell what have you two done to that poor woman," Bill muttered as he carried the twins out of the castle.

"We didn't mean too!" the twins wailed.

"Oi, Charlie, get your arse over here!" Bill shouted as he passed the dragon pens.

Fleur and Charlie poked their heads out from Gaston's stable, Charlie hastily straightening his clothes. "Er, what's going on Bill?" he called.

"Family emergency, so leave off with your squeeze and come on. I'll need your help."

Charlie hurried to catch up, puffing and glancing at the twins. "Oh bloody hell, don't tell me they were listening to that bloody muggle record again. They're always in a right fit state after that."

"They did, and they are," Bill said over the twins howls of protest. He glared at Charlie. "And why didn't anyone try to bloody well sort this mess out?"

"Er," Charlie said, glancing back towards where he had left Fleur.

"Oh sweet Christ, don't tell me: you finally discovered girls and you haven't been able to find your own behind with both hands."

"Well, I mean, the tournament, and the dragons, and...and…" Charlie trailed off, flushing. He kicked at the rocks along the path to the lake. "Bugger."

"I leave for Egypt for just a few years and the whole bloody family goes mad," Bill grumbled. "I was going to visit our parents tonight, give mum a nice surprise. Oh well, I suppose keeping you idiots in line will have to suffice. Here, hold this one, will you. I think it's George."

It was a testament to the state the twins were in that Fred didn't even bother to correct Bill as he was handed over, instead sulking and sitting on the ground as Bill dropped both twins.

"You can't make us be happy," Fred grumbled.

George nodded sullenly, glaring at his older brothers.

"Will you at least tell us what's wrong with you?" Bill demanded, standing with his arms planted on his hips and tapping his boot in the mud along the lakeshore.

"Broken heart," Fred declared, and George nodded.

Bill sighed. "I bloody well got that. But it was months ago lads. You've got to man up and get over it. Plenty of fish in the sea and all that."

"Yeah, I mean, some of Fleur's friends think you're both charming, if you'd quit moping about," Charlie offered. "You should try it, it's very nice."

"We know," George grumbled.

"We'll never be happy with anyone else," Fred declared.

"Right." Bill picked up Fred, hoisted the squawking teen over his head, and threw him into the lake. Before George could even shout in protest, Bill scooped him up and hurled him like a sack of potatoes head over heals into the cold water as well.

The twins splashed and swore, standing and struggling back to shore.

"Just like when they let all your pixies go out of the cage you and dad built now," Bill said, drawing his wand.

Charlie looked at the twins, then guiltily at Bill, and reluctantly drew his wand. Together, the elder Weasley brothers blasted the twins back out into the lake, far enough this time they'd have to swim back. "Er, you really think this is necessary, Bill?"

"I should sodding hope not," Bill growled.

"Then why are we doing it?"

"Because even it if isn't necessary, I've only had to put up with their carping for ten minutes and I'm already sick of it, so this is going to at least make me feel a lot better."

"Yeah, OK," Charlie agreed. "So, what, two more times?"

"Sure. That will leave more time for therapy."

"Therapy?" Charlie asked, looking up in confusion.

"The same bloody kind you and Tonks used on me when I broke up with Bethany Bronzewell in seventh year. Honestly, I would have thought you'd have come that already."

Charlie suddenly grinned widely. "Oh. Well, that was her idea you know."

"You should have bloody married that woman Charlie," Bill said, waving his wand and sending the twins skipping back over the water.

"What? Tonks never liked me. Never even snogged her."

"You are thick when it comes to women. She would have hopped in a broom closet with you if you'd just snapped your fingers. All the girls in your year would have. You were the bloody quidditch captain and you had saved half the school from those bubbling beebles that Hagrid accidentally let loose."

"Really? I thought the girls always liked you, not me."

"Sweet Merlin, Charlie. I do hope Fleur's determined because the second some interesting magical creature happens along you'll lose interest."

"Well," Charlie drawled, watching as the twins made their way back to shore. "She is part veela, you know."

Bill turned his head and raised an eyebrow. "You're serious? Damn. Lucky man."

"Should we let them back now? I think they're starting to drown."

"Yeah, let them back in. Of all the luck. It would happen to a clueless cretin like you."

"Oh come off it Bill. You're the one that showed up with Lockhart and that veela bird. I'm sure you've had plenty of tail in Egypt."

"Less than I'd like," Bill admitted as he watched the twins struggle to shore. "But I don't know about Nareh. I mean, she turned down Lockhart. What the devil do you think she'd see in me?"

"Blood hell, talk about needing to get the plank out of your own bloody eye," Charlie laughed. He elbowed Bill, then hurried forward to help drag the twins onto shore.

"That was cheating," Fred gasped.

George only groaned, vomiting water and laying on his side.

"Oh come off it, you two needed a good dunk to clear your heads. Still feel like moping?" Bill demanded.

Fred sniffed and wiped at his eyes. "Still miss them. Every day."

"Oh Christ. Alright, come on Charles me lad, let's dry these two off and make them take their medicine."

"No more potions!" George shrieked, scrabbling away from Charlie and Bill

"That's how we got into this bloody mess in the first place," Fred snarled, trying to wrestle Bill's wand out of his hands.

Bill headbutted Fred, causing him to moan and collapse back to the ground. He frowned down at this sibling, then used a drying charm to get the water out of his clothes. "Oh bloody hell. What prank went wrong this time? No, no potions. Only Madam Rosmerta's finest."

"Wait, you mean butterbeer?" George stopped scooting, looking up at Bill hopefully as Charlie magicked him dry.

"Oh you sweet, innocent things. No, I bloody well mean I'm going to get the two of you drunk as Irishmen."

"And this time we won't even have to abuse a metamorphmagus to do it," Charlie said happily.

A short time later, Bill set a pint of bitter in front of each of his brothers and one for himself, then sat down inside of the private room at the Three Broomsticks.

"Right, first rule of the medication process is, no talking about what ails you until after the third pint," Charlie said, then picked up his own pint and started chugging.

Fred and George eyed their drinks, then looked up at Bill who was apparently trying to race Charlie to the bottom of his glass.

"We haven't exactly had positive life experiences with alcohol lately," Fred said slowly, inching back away from the beer.

"Yeah, we bolloxed that one up right and proper," George agreed.

Smacking his lips, Charlie wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "That's why you've got us two to look out for you."

Bill nodded tapping his wand on the calling card to order another round. "Exactly. We're the responsible Weasley brothers."

"I thought that was Percy," Fred said skeptically.

Charlie shrugged. "That's why he's not here."

"Yeah, see, Percy isn't so much responsible as a stick in the mud," Bill agreed. "That's why I'm in charge of planning his bachelor party."

"I didn't know Percy was having a bachelor party," George said.

Charlie laughed. "Neither does Percy! Now are you two going to drink, or are we going to have to start calling the two of you Princesses?"

The twins grabbed their drinks, and started chugging.

Three pints later, all four brothers were laughing uproariously.

"So then I say to the bugger, 'Ice to see you,'" Bill said, slapping the table.

"You didn't!" Fred wheezed, clutching his side and giggling hysterically.

"Oh I bloody well did. Then I cast a second glacies charm and froze his bloody boots to the ground. He trips and falls over, and then comes right out of them! He slips across the ice, then plummets clear off the edge!"

"Tell them what happened next," Charlie demanded, snorting at the end like a pig.

"What happened?" George asked. "Did Grenzo try to fire you?"

"No! The little bastard walks up to the edge, looks over, and shakes his head. Then he turns around, and he says, he says to me," Bill dissolved into giggles, unable to contain himself.

Fred frowned, poking his brother in the stomach. "Oh come on, what did he say?"

"He says, 'It seems you've managed to get him to chill out after all, Mr. Weasley. Do try not to send any other potential clients over the edge though. Gringotts needs the business.' And then he bloody well walked away looking like the cat who got the mouse!"

All four Weasleys roared with laughter, banging on the table and crying until they finally managed to calm down.

"Oh, I needed this," Fred said, wiping at his eyes. "Thanks mates."

"Finally over Angelina then?" Charlie demanded, slapping his brother on the back.

George frowned and shook his head. "No, he means Flora."

"Yeah, and there's no way George is over Hestia," Fred agreed.

Bill frowned. "I thought you were dating that Angelina girl. The old reserve chaser, right?"

"Team captain now, but yeah I was, but then, well," Fred sighed and his eyes took on a distant, dreamlike expression. "But then I met Flora. And she's perfect."

"They're the only ones for us," George agreed, tipping his glass back and drinking the last bit of his pint.

Bill and Charlie exchanged mystified looks. "You know anything about this?" Bill asked.

Charlie shook his head. "No. I mean, they took Angelina and Alicia to the ball. I'm pretty sure McGonagall caught them doing something naughty though, mum and dad were there on Boxing Day. I've never seen dad so angry."

"What did you two do?" Bill demanded.

"We're not talking," Fred said firmly.

George nodded. "You'll never get it out of us."

Charlie and Bill exchanged a knowing look, then ordered another round.

"Sho then, then Shirius, shee, he comes up with thish plan," George slurred.

"Yeah. We're gonna break Bellatrix Black out of *hic* Ashkaband," Fred added.

George giggled and pointed at his brother. "He got pollyjuished as a bird!"

"Shod off you wanker, you were a *hic* werewolf."

Bill could only listen in horror as Charlie banged his head on the table.

Sometime later, George was peering up at his empty glass as Fred was saying, "and then mum and *hic* dad showed up."

"We were shtarkers," George added.

Fred nodded. "Then they saw the girls with *hic* professshor Shnape."

"He washsnt shtarkers," George confided.

"They worked out what we'd *hic* done, and then they used occluwhatits to *hic* see the whole thing."

"And forbid ushh from ever sheeeing those girlsh again!" George lamented. He banged his mug on the table and belched. "More beer!"

"I think you lot have had enough," Rosmerta sniffed.

Bill held up a galleon. "We haven't bloody well had enough. Butterbeer for the lightweights."

"Firewhiskey for us," Charlie demanded, raising his head so that all could see the welts on his forehead. "I need to forget this myself."

/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Fleur was curled up inside of Gaston's tail, pretending to read as she anxiously awaited Charlie's return. She didn't know what he was up to with his brothers, but she desperately wanted to see him before she turned in. She had managed to fall head over heals for the gangly, goofy dragon tamer, and though she'd never admit it, she rather enjoyed being the one who got to steer the relationship. Men had always lusted after Fleur ever since she'd started to develope her womanly attributes, and while she often enjoyed the attention at times it grated.

With Charlie though, Fleur had actually had to work to get him to notice. And when he had, it was if she was the first girl Charlie had ever realized he'd been attracted to. At times it could be annoying, but Fleur was certain if she had to spend the rest of her life with one man, it would have to be one who looked at her the way Charlie Weasley did.

"Not that I would ever abandon you, mon cherie," Fleur said to Gaston, rubbing under the dragon's chin. "But Charlie, I do not zink he would begrudge me a lover such as you."

Suddenly, Fleur stiffened, some innate sense warning her of an intruder. She stood stiffly, and Gaston uncoiled, rumbling at concern over his mistresses behavior.

"Show yourself," Fleur growled.

From the darkness, a willowy figure swayed into view. Nareh stepped into the torchlight, and nodded to Fleur. "Good evening. I was out for a walk, and saw the light. Would you mind the company?"

"I want nozing to do with you," Fleur spat, turning around.

From behind her, Fleur heard a heavy sigh. "Let me guess, I am the first full blooded veela you have had contact with."

"No!" Fleur growled, half turning and glaring at the other woman. "My grandmere is full blooded veela, and I have visited her and grandpierre often."

"And she is likely old and dry; the blood no longer flows through her," Nareh said, leaning up against the fence. "And you are young, and I am young, and this is your territory and you feel violated somehow. Think I am here to steal your man."

"No!" Fleur snapped, though she felt her heart lurch. Did she feel that way?

Nareh sighed. "I have no interest in your Charlie, child. And frankly if that boy ever notices another woman it will likely be because she is a dragon. You are safe."

Fleur whirled and glared at Nareh. "I do not like you because you are with that Lockhart fellow! I do not like him! He is flirt and arrogant and I think he is the sort of man who hunts women like you and me!"

"Lockhart has many flaws, young bird. But he is a good man. He is not the sort to hunt veela simply because we exist."

"Hmph." Fleur looked away, trying to hide her trepidation. She shivered slightly. Nareh was the first woman she had ever met, except perhaps her mother, who made her feel as though she was not as beautiful as they.

Nareh stepped forward, showing her open hands. "You have much to learn of your heritage. I could teach you, if you so desire. There are things that most half breeds never learn, tricks and secrets that are in your blood."

"I have no need to act like a putain to keep Charles," Fleur sniffed.

Nareh laughed, then conjured a flame in her hand. Gaston growled and put a wing around Fleur, glaring at the intruder.

"Relax, brother. I mean your keeper no harm. Tell me, Fleur, can you make flame?"

"I have this," Fleur muttered, gesturing to her wand. "I have no need of your tricks."

Nareh shimmered, and her form became far more aven as feathers sprouted, her nails elongated into talons, and her eyes began to glow in the night. "You have a wand, I will give you that. It is useful. Do not reject it. But is it not an advantage to be able to fly?" Nareh sprang to the air, vanishing into the night sky.

Fleur stepped forward, drawing her wand and conjuring a small flame that she held in the palm of her hand.

"So you do know something," Nareh's voice said from above in the shadows. There was a sound of rushing wind and a clatter.

Fleur gasped and spun, holding aloft the flame to reveal Nareh perching atop Gaston's stable.

"But you can do much and more if you put your mind to it, child. I have lost my coven: it is scattered to the wind. I have no more little sisters to teach.

There was a rustling of feathers, then Nareh hopped down in front of Fleur, having resumed her humanoid form. "But I could teach you. Do not let these sons of Adam and dust defeat you, or that fiery daughter of Eve and bone. You are the wind and the flame. Embrace it, and you shall yet triumph." Once more, Nareh conjured flame and held it up. It dwarfed Fleur's own, a dancing, living thing instead of the cold witch light the french witch held.

Fleur swallowed, holding up her hand to Nareh's and trying to make her flame brighter. Instead, it winked out. Fleur snarled and stomped, then composed herself and looked up at Nareh.

"Fine. If you wish to help me, I will take it. And...and I am sorry I spoke so harshly towards you. I was...I do not know. You make me question who I am."

"Good," Nareh laughed. "You are young. Far too young to know who you are yet."

"You are not so old yourself," Fleur grumbled.

"I am 38," Nareh said smugly. "How old did you think me?"

Fleur gasped and shook her head. "I zought you no more zan 25, 27 at the most. Certainly not over 30."

"We do not age so much. I am sure your mother looks quite healthy for her age. Alas, when age does take us we wither quickly. I have many more years of youth before me however."

"Hmm. Perhaps I could learn from you zen. Not tonight, however. I am weary and I do not zink Charlie is-" Fleur paused, cocking her head to one side. "No...no he comes."

"Can you sense him?" Nareh asked. "That is a good trick to learn, one I did not think you would know already."

Fleur balanced. "No, I only know that four Weasley's left, and only they could make such an ungodly racket at this hour."

Nareh stilled, listening closely. She could hear it now; the sound of boisterous, off key singing. "Ah. Yes. These Weasleys, they do seem a most interesting group."

"You have no idea," Fleur murmured, smiling and walking back into the stable to retrieve her book and jacket. The she kissed Gaston on the snout, and made her way out of the pen towards the sound of "singing."

Nareh walked alongside Fleur, listening to the approaching noise. "My, if that is what these Englishmen call singing, I may not stay here long at all."

"Do not fret, I am nearly certain zey can be housebroken," Fleur replied.

The four Weasley's appeared, staggering towards the castle. Fred and George were holding on to one another, barely able to stand as waved their arms about. Bill was in the lead, on hand on his chest as he belted out the "tune." Charlie as at the rear, walking nearly in circles as he flung his arms wide, witch lights dancing above his head and lighting the way and singing:

"And they ordered their pints of beer and bottles of sherry,

To carry them over the hills so merry,

To carry them over the hills so merry,

When Jone's ale was new, my boys, when Jone's ale was new."

At least, that was probably what they were trying to sing. It was so out of tune and they were all singing over one another that only an expert drunk would have been able to pick out the song and join in.

Charlie spied Fleur and stopped singing. He let out a shout and stumbled over, scooping up Fleur in his arms before she could protest. Charlie put his head on Fleur belly, nuding aside her robes. She was about to protest that this was too much in public, when he suddenly blew hard, making a wet, nasty noise exactly like a fart. He promptly fell over on top of Fleur, laughing uproariously as his siblings crowded around, pointing and babbling incoherently.

"Charles!" Fleur gasped, pushing her lover off of her and trying to stand. "What is the meaning of zis!"

"Gotta get the lads reconciled!" Charlie giggled, trying to use Fleur to pull himself to his feet and only managing to drag her back down on top of himself.

"We've got a misshion!" George proclaimed.

"Bill! *hic* Bill! Bill show them!" Fred demanded.

Bill waved his wand, and a muggle boom box appeared. "Already? Ok, boysh, you ready?"

"Ready!" Fred and George chorused, struggling to stand upright.

"What is-" Fleur began, but Nareh motioned her to be still.

"Shhh. I want to see where this is going."

Bill raised the muggle boom box on high, and music began to play. After a moment, Fred and George started to sing along.

"Baby come back! *hic*

You can *hic* blame it all on meeeeeee!  
I wasssh wrong, and I just can't live *hic* without you!"

"And who is the lucky lady?" Nareh asked, tapping her finger idly on a knife as she eyed Bill.

"Itsh for Fred and George," Bill said in a stage whisper. "They're in love with Shlytherins. Come on lads, we've got to find the dungeonsh!"

"Go on without me!" Charlie called. "I'm down!"

"We'll go on without you brother!" Fred called.

George smacked his closed fist into his chest twice, nodding to Charlie and Fleur in their tangle on the ground, then staggered off after Bill, who was still holding aloft the blaring boombox.

"I have got to see this," Nareh murmured. She smiled down at Fleur. "Enjoy yourself: human men can wear out so quickly." And with that she was gone, following after the Weasleys as they entered the castle, still singing off key.

Fleur blanched and pushed Charlie to his feet. "Get up. You reek. I am not kissing you, or anything else tonight."

"Aww, but love, your my *hic* number one girl," Charlie said, grabbing ahold of Fleur's shoulders as she attempted to walk him back to his quarters near Hagrid's hut. "Love you the moshtest!"

"Mmphmm," Fleur agreed, struggling to support Charlie even though he was much taller than she.

"Yesh! I love you more...more...more than Norberta!"

Fleur froze, then looked up at Charlie. "You mean that, mon cherie?"

"Of courshe!" Charlie slurred. "I'd give up dragonsh for you. Well, I'd try anyway."

Fleur began to walk forward quickly. "You must sober up soon, Charles Weasley."

"Buuut whhhyyyyy?"

"Because I want you to be able to remember when I blew your poor, tiny, Weasley mind."

\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

 _Authors Note:_

 _Some people have written reviews that state that this story has gone beyond what they believe is possible, and has become so over the top that it is truly ludicrous._

 _In the words of Daffy Duck:_

 _Brother, you ain't seen nothin' yet._


	33. Chp 33: Bow Chica Bow Wow

_Chapter 33: Bow Chica Bow Wow_

Some people would assume that based on his personality and general bearing that Severus Snape would be a poor sleeper, constantly tormented by inner demons and haunted by his actions, past and present.

Those people would be wrong, mostly because they didn't figure on the fact that Severus Snape was a massive unrepentant asshole. He slept like a baby almost every night, even if it was often magically induced by his potions. However, on this fateful night, Severus was sleeping unaided by his potions, dreaming of the many ways he could make his Hufflepuff classes wet themselves. It was from this (disturbing) dream that he was awoken by sounds somewhere between a dying cat and a songbird with laryngitis.

"What is it this time?" Snape seethed, throwing on a cloak and stepping out of his quarters in the dungeons. What he saw gave even the morally bankrupt professor pause.

Three gingers staggered through the dungeons, carrying a muggle device of some sort which was playing the kind of music Snape particularly hated (which was anything not a funeral dirge) and singing along in a most horrific and off key way.

"What is the meaning of this?" Snape snarled, stalking towards the Weasleys. "Cease this foolishness at-"

Snape froze, feeling the kiss of cold steel against his neck. "Shhh," a soft voice whispered in Snape's ear. "I want to see what they do. I have not yet observed the mating rituals of Weasley's, and I have a sudden urge to do so."

"They're rather messy and sickeningly endearing," Snape said in a strained voice. "And they often result in far too many children."

There was a throaty chuckle, and Snape found himself spun to face his assailant: Lockhart's veela companion.

"Unhand me, you filthy wench," Snape hissed. "I am a professor of this school and I will-"

Nareh put a finger to Snape's lips and ran her knife point down towards his belly. "Hmmm. A virgin. At your age? How interesting." Snape felt his blood run cold. He'd left his anti-veela potions in the room to be consumed on the morrow, and he was not ready to resist-

"Oh, please. I would have to be truly desperate to consider one such as you as a prospective mate. No, no, look into my eyes. They are beautiful, are they not? Hmm, yes, you desire a woman greatly, I can sense it."

"L-l-lily," Snape stammered. "Not you. Do not-"

"Shhh, shhh, look at me. Hmm, yes. Relax, professor. A kiss, and then you shall sleep."

Snape tried to wriggle back and away, but the veela's compulsion charm overcame his occlumency defenses thanks to his sex-starved hindbrain, and he found himself floating away as his lips met the veelas.

Nareh stuck her tongue out and make a retching sound as she dropped the disgusting greasy man to the ground. No wonder he was in the state he was in. No woman in her right mind, human, veela, or otherwise, would be interested in that thing! She hurried along the corridor, after the sounds of her prey.

"You shure thish is it?" Bill hiccuped as he started the song over once more.

Fred and George nodded. "Of courshe we are! Thish ish the place. Couldn't never get in though."

"Right then. From the top. Baaabbyy commeee baaaack!"

The three Weasley's swayed drunkenly to the beat, singing at the top of their lungs. For several minutes, there was no sign of activity. They were all losing heart and about ready to give up when the paneling to the cellar wall slid aside, revealing the face of a very annoyed looking Slytherin Prefect.

"What's all this then? Oh sweet Merlin, it's the Weasleys." The perfect groaned and shook his head. "Bloody marvelous."

"Oi, Marvin, who is it?" a voice called from the depths of the cellar. "And why are they playing that awful music?"

"It's the bloody Weasley's, they've-ack!"

Marvin the prefect bowled aside as Fred and George rushed forward and began to shout at the top of their lungs.

"Flora! Love, I've come for you *hic*!"

"Heshtia itsh me your one trush *hic* love!"

"We're under attack!" the panicked voice of Draco Malfoy shouted. "It's the Weasley's they've come to kidnap us and drain our souls!"

Marvin stood up, drawing his wand and snarling. "Oi, you too get back here so I can bloody well murder you! It's the middle of the night and you're not-"

"Nobody hexesh my baby brothersh!" Bill roared, and threw the boom box with all his might at the back of Marvin's head.

The poor Slytherin crumpled to the ground, and Bill stumbled over him and after his brothers.

Inside, Bill found mass chaos. The twins had apparently had loads of fireworks on them, because there were firecrackers and rockets hissing around the Slytherin common room making an ungodly racket and setting fire to several wall hangings. Some of the Slytherin's were fighting back, trying to hex the twins who were somehow managing to dodge everything despite the fact that they were drunkenly staggering around and shouting for their lost Lenores.

However, most of the Slytherin's seemed to be less interested in keeping the Weasley's out than they were in keeping something in. Half a dozen Slytherin's were pressed up against a door that led to one of the dormitories and were trying to keep the shaking door shut.

"Oi!" Bill bellowed, raising his wand and managing to set off a deafening thunderclap that destroyed the rockets and doused most of the fires. "Whatsh goin' on in here? Wheresh the girlsh?"

At the sight of the eldest Weasley, Draco Malfoy let out a moan and collapsed in a dead faint. Daphne Greengrass began running around, shrieking hysterically at the top of her voice, "They've come to make Sabine women of us all! Cut off your hair, don't give in to the gingers!"

Bill could only stand there dumbly as Fred and George lay dazed on the floor, his alcohol hazed brain unable to process what was going on properly. Just then, the door the Slytherin's had been trying to contain crashed open, knocking the students every which way. Two bolts of frizzy brown hair surged forward and threw themselves on top of Fred and George before Bill could properly react.

"You came for us!" Hestia sobbed, kissing George all over his face.

"You didn't forget us!" Flora wailed as she drew Fred up and hugged him tightly to her chest.

Fred and George finally woke from their daze and began to make professions of love to the Slytherin twins in between kisses and tears of joy.

For his part, Bill scratched his head with his wand, trying to figure out just what was happening. He felt a tapping on his shoulder, and turned to find Nareh with a cat like grin on her face. "Most impressive. I must say, I find your mating rituals very intriguing. But come, let us depart. Vengeance stalks these halls, and it would be best if we were not present when she arrives."

"But the boysh need-" Bill began. He stopped when Nareh batted her eyelashes at him and crooked a finger. As if drawn forward on invisible strings, Bill followed her out of the celler and into a vacant room, just as a small cat raced past the closing door, yowling at the top of its lungs.

Marvin was just coming too, the back of his head throbbing as he groaned and tried to push himself up. He turned when he heard an unearthly screech, just in time for a furball to collide with his face. Claws scratched his cheeks and Marvin wailed in panic, slipping backwards and banging his head on the floor, blacking out again.

All the Slytherin students were just coming to the conclusion that the only thing to be done was to kill everyone and let Merlin sort them out when a house cat streaked into the common room and turned into a red faced Professor McGonagall. With a wordless cry of fury, she waved her wand and forcibly separated the two sets of twins, sending the Carrows careening into the mass of Slytherins and grabbing Fred and George by their ears.

"No! No more! Not on my watch! I've had it up to here with you two! Ugh! You reek of alcohol! Oooh, that's it! I'm having the two of you expelled if it's the last thing I do. Now, out, out! Back to Gryffindor tower before I strangle the both of you myself."

All the Slytherins cheered, save for Flora and Hestia, who dissolved into tears.

"We're saved!" Daphne cheered. "Huzzah for Professor McGonagall! We won't be made Sabine women after all!"

"Aww," Theodore Nott muttered (he was a bit suspect).

Nareh pressed her ear to the door as Bill lay sprawled on the floor, his own ear on the wall as he was too drunk to tell the difference.

"Are they gone?" Bill asked.

"Shhh," Nareh said, putting her foot on Bill's head and forcing his mouth down on the stone floor. She listened as McGonagall's came past the door, ranting and raving at Fred and George, who were loudly protesting that they were being separated from their one true loves.

Once the voices were past, Nareh grinned and crouched down on the floor next to Bill who was gazing stupidly up at her.

"You very pretty," Bill slurred. "Nish titsh."

"Why thank you. Would you like to touch them?" Nareh asked.

Bill nodded enthusiastically, reaching up at the dangling objects.

Nareh slapped his hands away and clucked her tongue. "Not tonight I think. Come. We must depart before that wretched man awakens and gets it into his head to find us."

/\\\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\\\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

There were many things that Professor Albus Dumbledore was. He was Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, the high judge of Magical Britain. He was Supreme Mugwump of the ICW. He was a renowned alchemist that had worked with the great Nicolas Flamel. He was widely considered to be the greatest Headmaster Hogwarts had ever seen.

What he was not, however, was prepared to deal with Weasleys.

"Age makes fools of us all," Dumbledore sighed as he looked at the two passed out Weasley's his Deputy Headmistress had dragged in. "I suppose they both managed to sneak Firewhiskey into the castle?"

"No, it was those brothers of theirs!" McGonagall spat, pacing back and forth like a cat with a bent tail. "They took them drinking and attempted to invade the Slytherin quarters! I haven't been able to find Charles and William but when I do I'll-"

"Go to bed, and get some rest, Minerva," Dumbledore advised. "You have dark circles under your eyes, and your twitched. You stink of nearly as much whiskey as these two boys. I'm very disappointed. Now, let me handle this, and you get some rest."

Muttering under her breath, Minerva departed leaving the headmaster to contemplate his two inebriated charges. "Best to let them sleep it off, I suppose. This will be enough of a headache in the morning. And I suppose I'll have to contact their parents…"

With that unpleasant thought, Dumbledore turned the two chairs into cots, tucked the twins in, then found a nice arm chair to settle into and try to get a few hours of sleep.

Dawn came, and with it, the moans of the hung over. Dumbledore knew several excellent and very effective cures for hangovers. He did not offer any of them.

"Good morning boys," he said in a loud and cheery voice. What brings you to my office.

Fred and George tried to sit up, but instead managed to fall off their cots.

"Wha….what happened?" Fred groaned pulling himself up and wincing at the sunlight streaming in through an opened window.

George staggered to his feet, looking around wildly.

"The lavatory is that way," Dumbledore said, waving his wand and revealing the hidden passage. Both boys jumped up and scampered away.

Dumbledore sat at his desk, quietly preparing a cup of tea. He transfigured the cots back into chairs, and made sure they were extra uncomfortable. The twins returned, looking rather sheepish.

"Um, I think we're in trouble," Fred said, wincing as he sat in the chair.

Dumbledore sipped at his tea, then looked at the boys with a mild expression on his face. "Really? Whatever gave you that impression?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure we got plastered last night," Fred answered, looking down.

George hung his head as well. "Never woken up in your office before, sir. Sorry. It's just…"

"Just what?" Dumbledore asked, setting his tea down and looking over his glasses at the boys.

"We miss them so much!" George burst out.

"Don't blame Charlie and Bill, they were just trying to help!" Fred cried.

And so in a jumble of words, the story of the previous night's adventures came tumbling out. Dumbledore was very, very tempted to add a bit of brandy to his tea, but decided that would be sending quite the wrong message.

"I see. Well then, I shall-"

The door banged open, and an enraged Severus Snape stalked into the room, tossing Hestia and Flora ahead of him. At the sight of the Weasleys, Snape let out a strangled cry, but it was too late. The four teens were on top of one another in an instant.

"If they get expelled, we get expelled!" Hestia wailed, clutching on to George.

Fred nodded fiercely. "We'll all move to Canada and live lives free of your tyranny!"

Dumbledore raised his wand, and everyone immediately grew silent. Calmly, the Headmaster conjured up two more chairs, then tapped it twice on a silver bell at his desk. A house elf appeared.

"Yes Headmasters sir?"

"Tea for five, Nipsy. And a bit of toast and bacon I think."

"This is no time for-" Snape snarled, but the headmaster held up his hand. "One moment, Severus." The headmaster stood and walked out into the hall as the house elf served the teens tea and breakfast, motioning for his potion master to follow him.

Shutting the door, Dumbledore let out a heavy sigh and removed his glasses, rubbing them on his robe. He then perched them back on his face and blinked at Snape, who was quietly fuming. "And now, Severus, where the students cannot hear, tell me exactly just what has happened?"

"Last night that filthy veela who-"

"Severus." Dumbledore looked at the potions master, his glasses going opaque. After a moment, he simply stated: "Language."

"Fine. That veela Lockhart brough attacked me. She let in the Weasleys, and they proceeded to raid Slytherin house. They unleashed a barrage of explosives, attempted to kidnap Daphne Greengrass and kill Draco Malfoy. The veela knocked me out with a powerful charm while I was vulnerable, then she and the eldest Weasley vanished to Merlin only knows where! I'm done with them, the lot of them headmaster! They've been driving Minerva up the wall and now-"

"Thank you for informing me, Severus. Now, what are the Carrow girls doing here?"

"Them? Oh, they're suffering effects of the Weasley's machinations and were claiming they were going to call the Dark Lord down on us all to reunite them with their supposed lovers. I brought them here to prevent the rest of Slytherin from trying to murder them while I helped you run the elder Weasleys out of the castle."

"Severus, correct me if I am wrong, but was it not your students who originally dosed the Weasley boys with a number of illegal potions?"

Snape's mouth worked soundlessly for a moment, before he managed a strangled, "Yes."

"Hmm. Now, forgive me, but I believe a good portion of this mess can be laid at their doorstep then, not at the Weasleys. William and Charles attempted to help their brothers out of the doldrums last night. They acted out of love. Now, they got carried away, and there must be consequences for that, but I believe I know best how to sort this out. However, that does not excuse your behavior, Severus."

"My behavior. MY BEHAVIOR?" Snape shrieked.

Dumbledore nodded, his lips thinning. "You and Minerva have been acting in a most deplorable fashion. She has been unduly biased against her own students due to their ethnic background, and you against one of our own staff members for her race. I'm afraid I'm going to have to talk to the Ministry about this, Severus, as you have both engendered terrible attitudes in our students."

"I...what?"

"Now, I want you to return to your duties. Set the Slytherin chambers in order, and remind all the students that being out of beds after curfew will result in consequences." Dumbledore smiled at Severus, who stood and gawked for a moment, before turning on his heel and stomping down the stairs.

Once Snape was gone, Dumbledore took a solid minute to collect his thoughts and decide just how he was going to approach the situation. Then, putting on his very best "I Know What You Have Done and I Do Not Approve" teacher look, he opened the door and strode back inside.

No sooner that he was through the door then the two sets of twins started shouting.

"We'll run away together!"

"Rather die than be parted!"

"Can't separate us again!"

"It's true love!"

Dumbledore silently spelled the door shut, hard, and its slam caused all four teens to jump.

"Are you quite finished?" Dumbledore asked, the light glinting ominously off his spectacles.

Fred pushed himself in front of Flora, while Hestia stood up in front of George. Both hand their wands out, though they had them pointed at the ground.

"You can't deny our love!" Fred proclaimed.

Hestia took in a deep breath, trembling all over. "I'll do anything to be with George, even fight you professor."

"Truly?" The sunlight in the room seemed to dim, as Fawkes the Phoenix began to keen a distorted song that sounded like a dirge. The shadows lengthened, and Dumbledore seemed to grow taller and fill the room with his presence. Angels seemed to bend inward, and the furniture groaned as if a great weight was pressing down on it.

George growled and came to stand beside Hestia, his own wand out and a protective hand blocking her. Flora was clinging on to Fred, but her own wand was pointed right at Dumbledore.

"We mean it," George spat. "

"Let us go Professor. We'll all run away and become muggles, you'll never hear from us again," Flora begged.

"You are set in this path?" a voice boomed, causing the teens to wince and look away as a cold light shone from Dumbledore.

"Yes!" all four wailed together.

With a sound like a snapping rubber band, everything suddenly went back to normal. Fawks music was revealed to be bright and cheery love tune, and Dumbledore went back to being a smiling professor with twinkling eyes.

"Well, if you are so committed, I'm afraid I'll have to do something truly incredible."

"W-w-whats that?" Fred stammered.

"Why, help you all so you don't meet a tragic fate of course," Dumbledore proclaimed. He sat behind his desk and rummaged around in a drawer for a moment, before pulling out a box of muggle candies. "Toffee?"

The teens all slowly took a toffee. Fred popped it in his mouth immediately, then glanced at the others who were staring at him. "What?"

"We're waiting to see if he poisoned you, love," Flora said patting his hand.

Fred stopped chewing and went pale. He glanced at Dumbledore, who smiled. Squaring his jaw, Fred quickly chewed the taffy a few more times then swallowed and took a long gulp of tea. "See? Fine." The others all took toffees and began to chew, and Fred took another.

With the groups mouths occupied, Dumbledore began to speak. "Now, we're going to have to work very carefully. Fred, George, I know you're parents will need some convincing. You will also have to be patient. You are all still minors, and I cannot allow you to get up to anything too indiscreet again. Also, there is the small matter of needing to distance yourselves from Tom."

"Who?" Flora and Hestia asked.

"He means Sleepy the Wonder Turban," Fred explained.

George rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, you see, it turns out, we're not really death eaters."

"Er, yeah. That was all sort of an accident."

As the Weasley boys began to explain, Dumbledore smiled. It looked like love would manage to redeem at least two of his students who had been heading down a dark path.

But what to do about his staff?

/\\\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Bill groaned and rolled over, putting a hand over his eyes. What had he done the night before? He remembered the twins awful story, but once he started in on the firewhiskey….

"Ugh, what a bloody mess. Hope I didn't do anything too stupid," Bill mumbled as he reached over and fumbled for his wand.

"That depends. I personally found your antics amusing, and your concern for your brothers touching."

Bill's hand froze. Slowly, he lifted his hand off his eyes, squinting in the dim light. "Nareh?"

The veela woman smiled down at him, tapping his wand in the palm of her hand. "Looking for this?"

Bill winced. "Um, Nareh, that's my wand you've got there. I er, normally don't let others handle my wand."

"Really?" Nareh stroked her hand up and down the wood, cupping the wand as she did so. "And here I was hoping you'd let me polish yours."

Bill jerked up, but Nareh stepped back, continuing the motion and grinning wickedly at Bill. Coughing twice, Bill began, "Nareh, I know english isn't your first language, but ah, that sort of implies-"

"That I wish to have intercourse with you?"

"Oh. Um, yes. Actually, it does."

"Hmm. Well, I seem to have you at a disadvantage, Mr. Weasley. I have something you want, and you have something I want," Nareh ceased her provocative motions and sat down at the end of the bed, twirling Bill's wand through her fingers.

"Er, I do?" Bill managed.

"Indeed. You know my story, do you not, William?" Nareh asked, flicking the wand over to her other hand.

"Er, Lockhart picked up us a guide after a nundu destroyed your coven. You're pretty good with knives, very beautiful, and have a higher kill count that I do in all likelihood. That about sums it up, right?"

"For the most part," Nareh agreed. "What do you know about veela?"

Bill blushed and stammered something, but Nareh cut him off.

"Yes, yes, I figured. You see me as, essentially, a sort of succubus, yes? Veela are beautiful magical creatures that spirit men away, use and abuse them, and reproduce by sucking out their life essence."

"Er, well, no, actually. I mean, I know you're a sort of fae, one of the only high fae that remain in the world after Merlin defeated Morgana and sealed away Mab and chose to remain though, as you sided with Merlin. You're only female, but you do reproduce with human men. Most of the time you just spend a night or two with a human, and then your daughters are full blooded veela. But, sometimes, for reasons no humans are really sure of, you decided to leave behind your heritage and have half blood children. Though that's not really accurate. Those children are fully human, but tend towards fae like beauty and some special powers they inherit, especially the daughters."

Nareh raised an eyebrow, impressed. "Very good, Mr. Weasley. I am startled that a British wizard actually knows more than they let on. Between you and Lockhart, I may have to revise my opinion of your kind."

"Well, I mean, I did sort of have to know this thing for my job," Bill sputtered. "Er, can I have my wand back now?"

"Not yet. You see, I wish to bargain with you."

"Er, what do you want, exactly?"

Nareh set the wand down and leaned forward, her robes falling open to reveal her ample cleavage. "What I lost, human. My sisters. My coven. My family. And I want your help in replacing them."

Bill swallowed. "Er, um-"

Nareh leaned forward, and whispered something in Bill's ear. In a moment, he'd quite forgotten about his wand, and his hangover. However, while Bill was certainly one of the most intelligent Weasleys, he took after his mother in that he never did know when to shut up. It took another 2 minutes before Bill realized he was arguing against what he really wanted, and quit letting words get in the way.

\/\/\\\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\

The ways of veela are a mystery to mortal men, but the ways of french witches are even more so.

"Er, Fleur, why are we in a muggle village again?" Charlie asked. "And why am I wearing my best clothes? Shouldn't we be getting ready for the last task.

"Because I am a lady, and will be treated as such," Fleur sniffed, continuing at walk along at a swift pace. "Now, sign your name here."

"Er, OK," Charlie said, taking the paper Fleur thrust at him and scrawling his signature on the required line. Before he could read what he'd just signed though, Fleur had snatched it back.

"Did you mean what you said, last night?" Fleur asked as she lead Charlie into an old building.

"Um, that depends. What did I say? Because if I was talking about how beautiful you are, the answer is yes. But if I told you the twins are death eaters, well-"

Fleur spun on the threshold, pinning Charlie to the ground with her stare. "No, about being willing to give up dragons for me. Did you mean zat, Charles Gideon Weasley?"

Charlie stood rooted for a moment, sweat breaking out on his forehead. "Um." Fleur's eyes flashed, but Charlie stepped forward, kneeling and taking her hands. "Look, I do love you, Fleur. More than life. And, if I had to choose between you and Norberta….I'd choose you. But I was sort of hoping we wouldn't have to make that choice. You and Gaston...You're great together. You could come to Romania with Norberta and me. Or we could stay here, in Britain, maybe in Wales. My mum would love that. Or we could move to one of the reserves in France and-"

"No!" Fleur said, shaking her head and shuddering. She bit her lip, and glanced inside. "What I am about to do...I would loose my mother's favor forever. She wishes me to gain fame and fortune and find a wealthy wizard to wed and play for a puppet."

Charlie blinked, the flushed. "Oh. Well, I wouldn't ask you to leave your family, Fleur. I mean, I love you, but really I want you to be happy." Charlie said the words, but they rang false and hollow.

"You would really give me up?" Fleur asked, bending down to whisper in Charlie's ear.

He let out a low whimper.

Fleur straightened and nodded, reaching down to pull Charlie to his feet. "Good. Zat is zee answer I wanted. We must choose each other, over everything, no? Zat is what zhis will mean."

"What will mean?" Charles ask, puzzled.

Fleur smiled, then took Charlies hand and led him forward. Spying an old muggle in the back, she waved her hand to get his attention. "Father, is zis chapel where the weddings are performed? I have zee marriage license right here."

Charlie had always been one of the wiser Weasley's. Like his father, he knew when to shut up and let a good thing happen, and let the woman sort the details out later.

 _Authors Note:_

 _And with all that out of the way, it's time to make Voldemort Scary Beyond All Reason._


	34. Chp 34: Skrewts Have Feelings Too

_Chapter 34: Skrewts have Feelings Too_

Grimmauld Place had been Tonk's prison for so long that she was starting to forget what the outside world was really like. For the bubbly young ex-auror, this was torment. She was used to going out every night with her friends, playing quidditch in her spare time, and running down suspects with the department. If had hadn't been for Remus Lupin, she may very well have gone completely raving mad.

"Are you sure we couldn't go out somewhere?" Tonks asked Remus for about the 500th time. "You know, like a barren moor somewhere or a nice old forest?"

"No, we've got to keep an eye on things," Remus sighed. "And with me out of commission for the day it's going to be up to you to talk Bellatrix out of her latest idea."

"Hmph." Tonks folded her arms over her chest and glared at Remus. "I think you're just using this as an excuse to get out of death eater sitting duty."

Remus looked at Tonks with a long suffering expression, and after a few moments she threw her hands up in the air and relented.

"OK, fine, you really do have a condition, but seriously I'm going to kill someone if one more idiot suggests we go muggle baiting or murder an innocent family because they defied the dark lord or something."

"Do it, they'll probably think it's in character." Remus kissed Tonks atop her head, then locked himself in the cell and tossed her the key. "You don't have to stay, you know. I'm certain it's awful to watch."

"I don't want you to be alone," Tonks whispered, taking Remus' hand through the bars and squeezing it. "It must be awful for you."

"Yes, well, at least with the wolfsbane I'm not dangerous. Still, I do appreciate the company, even if I can't say so."

Suddenly, Remus pulled away, groaning in pain. Tonks involuntarily stepped forward, reaching for him, but Remus growled and waved her back. The change had come, and Tonks forced herself to step away from the bars. Even with the wolfsbane potion, the transformation itself was still rather dangerous. Remus' shrieks of pain rent the air, and his body twisted and contorted. Tonks flinched at the sound of bones breaking and reforming, but didn't look away from the hideous process.

When it was over, an oversized wolf with a shortened snout and Remus' eyes remained in place. The wolf wobbled on its feet for a moment, then shook its head and sat down, wagging its tail. Tonks opened the door and stepped inside hugging Remus' head to her chest.

"You're beautiful like this, you know. Makes me wish I could turn into an animal."

Remus barked and licked Tonks face, as if to say he approved of the idea. She laughed, then pulled out a book and sat down with Remus' head in her lap.

"Now, for tonight, I got something from my dad. It's muggle, so hopefully none of the others listen in. This is called Watership Down, by Richard Adams."

All through the night, Tonks read to Remus. After a while, her voice gave out, and she just sat there with the sleepy werewolf. When morning came, she helped Remus out of the dungeon and into their bedroom. Yawning, she grabbed a pepperup potion from the drawer and downed it, then went down to breakfast.

"Good morning Nymphadora," Bellatrix said, smiling merrily at her niece as she sat.

"'Lo," Tonks said, managing not to grimace at the use of her given name. She really hated her mother sometimes.

"How is Remus today?" Rodolphus asked, looking up from his morning copy of the Daily Prophet.

"Tired and sore, as usual," Tonks said. "We read all last night, and he seemed to enjoy it."

"It's incredible that you're so comfortable being that close to a werewolf," Bellatrix said, taking a piece of bacon from the tray Kreature put out.

Tonks shrugged. "Well, you know, with the wolfsbane potion he's really not any more dangerous that he is normally. The same is true for all werewolves really. It's just that people are afraid of them because they don't understand it."

"Acting like muggles," Rudolphus growled. "Why, that reminds me, we really should go muggle baiting together once Remus is feeling better. Why, I think I'm fully recovered from my little stay in Azkaban and it would really get the blood rushing to-"

"AH, but we mustn't disrupt the Dark Lord's plans," Tonks said hastily. She glanced at the newspaper and pointed. "See? It says the final task in the Triwizard Tournament is in less than week! And isn't there supposed to be some grand plan involving us? Don't you think you should tell me, so I can prepare?"

"We would, if we knew anything," Bellatrix said, shaking her head. "The master is most distracted. Do you know, I think he's almost given up on the cause entirely, he's so obsessed with my cousin?"

"Serves him bloody right," Tonks muttered, the looked up and smiled. "That is, of course the Dark Lord deserves his happiness." _Rot in hell, Sirius. Nothing is worse than wrangling Death Eaters._

 _\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

There was, in fact, something worse than wrangling Death Eaters. Wrangling Weasleys. For her part, Minerva McGonagall was once more on high alert. She didn't believe that the headmaster had the twins for "counseling and career advice" during their weekly detentions. They were up to something. She just knew it.

Even worse, the third and final task of the Triwizard Tournament was rapidly approaching, which meant that the worst had come to pass. Weasleys with weapons. Weasleys were also walloping each other while working on wicked spells to wrangle wretches. All while Gilderoy Lockhart was strutting about like a peacock and telling stories of his deeds, which had managed to get even people like Neville Longbottom fired up about fighting dark creatures.

"For the last time, no weapons in the castle!" McGonagall shrieked, taking a pair of wooden swords from the Creevey brothers.

"But Professor Lockhart said-"

"I don't care WHAT that man said. No weapons in the castle!"

Colin Creevy pointed behind McGonagall. "What about her?"

McGonagall turned to see Hermione Granger scurrying across the courtyard, a sword banging against her hip. She turned and glared at Colin. "Weasleys are the exception."

"My grades are going to be awful this year," Hermione moaned as she sat down at a book covered table in the library with Harry and Luna. "Harry, please tell me you've got notes from history of magic, Lockhart had us battling beebles."

Luna looked up from her Herbology book, a frown on her face. "That's awful! Beebles are cute and cuddly! Why would he have you fighting them? They're a very persecuted species you know."

"They're only cute until they start multiplying before your eyes and trying to eat anything remotely magical, including you," Hermione huffed. "Harry, do you have the notes or not?"

"Right here," Harry said, pulling out a stack of notes. "I think these are from the ones from the class you just missed."

Hermione gratefully accepted the notes and began copying them, but paused halfway through the second line. "Harry, are these Percy's notes?"

"Of course not," Harry huffed, sounding offended.

Mollified, Hermione went back to copying.

"They're Bills," Harry explained. "His are much nicer."

Hermione's quill tip snapped, getting ink all over her hand and face. She growled and drew her wand, vanishing the excess ink. "But that feels like cheating, copying Bill's old notes! Plus, what if Professor Binn's lectures have changed?"

"Fat chance of that. He's probably not changed his lectures in a hundred years," Harry grumbled.

"Ooooo. Fine. I suppose it's better than nothing," Hermione muttered, taking out a new quill and going back to copying the notes.

"Why don't you just ask Ron?" Harry asked.

"Because he's in arithmancy right now and I'll get those notes from him later," Hermione explained.

"Why aren't you in arithmancy?" Luna asked. "Isn't that your favorite class?"

Hermione didn't look up from her copying of the notes. "Because professor Vector hates it when people come into class late, especially with swords."

"I wish I had a sword," Ginny declared, coming in and sitting down with the others. "Or maybe a nice axe like Victor."

"They're beastly things," Hermione declared. "I hate mine."

"They why do you wear it everywhere?" Harry asked.

"Because Professor Lockhart seems to have made a habit out of releasing horrible beasts in my vicinity or hiding around corners to attack me, and if I don't have my sword I end up helpless," Hermione answered. "Now stop interrupting, I've got to catch up on studying."

"I don't know why you bother with copying those," Ginny said, taking out a pile of notes from History of Magic herself. "I just take Percy's old ones and use them."

Hermione looked up and glared around the table. "Then what do you do in history of magic?"

"Look for evidence of crumple horned snorkacks in the historical record," Luna answered. "They're out there somewhere, you know."

"And would probably try to kill me if I managed to find them," Hermione grumbled.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\\\/\/\\\

The day of the final task dawned bright and sunny. A huge crowd gathered at the enormous stadium that had been constructed on the quidditch pitch. In many ways, it resembled the ancient roman colosseum of old, complete with stone masonry and a variety of levers and clever machinery that could change the layout and size of the stage. It had also been magically enhanced so that the arena itself was many times larger than even the giant stadium would have allowed for.

"Oh, Charlie, Bill, it's so good to see you again!" Mrs Weasley said, hurrying over to hug and kiss both of her elder sons.

"Oh come on mum, we were over for dinner just last week," Bill said, pulling away from his mother in embarrassment. "You er, remember Nareh, yes?"

Mrs. Weasley coolly nodded at the dark skinned veela, who bowed in return. "Yes, I think I remember her. Still planning on making my son your stooge?"

"He's rather excellent material," Nareh answered, running her hand through Bill's shoulder length hair. "I think I'll have to keep him around for a while."

Mrs. Weasley muttered "home-wrecking hussy," not quite under her breath, causing Bill to stiffen and glare at his mother. However, before anything could happen, Mr. Weasley intervened.

"And we're both very anxious to hear any developments in that regard, Nareh, Bill. And we are very happy for the both of you, right Molly?"

"Yes," Mrs. Weasley growled. Then she smiled sweetly at Charlie. "And how is Fleur, Charlie? I do want to meet this girl that's captured your attention.

Charlie surreptitiously put his hand behind his back, and slid a ring into his back pocket. "Oh, um, she's great. Yep, love for you to meet her. Oh, but you should see Gaston! He's a swedish short snout you know! He and Norberta get along famously and-"

"Boys." Mr. Weasley said, nodding to Fred and George. "No further incidents, I trust?"

"Well, does breaking into the Slytherin Common room count?" Fred asked.

George nodded. "We did sort of do that."

Mr. Weasley's eyes narrowed, but Fred and George held up their hands in surrender.

"We didn't do it again!" George promised.

Fred nodded hurriedly. "Yeah, Professor Dumbledore's been taking a direct interest in our punishment, you know."

"Tough old bat, that one."

"Mmmhmm," Mr. Weasley said. "I've enjoyed our weekly chats."

The twins went pale at that, but their father chuckled and shook his head. "He's assured me he has the two of you well in hand." Mr. Weasley nodded to Bill. "And your brother and I had a long chat about the dangers of drink."

"Bloody hell," Bill muttered. "Just when you start to think you can take your old man in a fight…"

"Mum!" Luna squealed, hurling herself forward and interrupting Mrs. Weasley's attempts to find out more about Fleur and less about dragons.

Forgetting her troubles, Mrs. Weasley scooped Luna up and smothered her with hugs and kisses. "And how's my Luna-Bug doing?"

"Terrible. Harry and I are going to be carefully documenting this horrific tragedy," Luna said solemnly. She held out two black t-shirts with the words "Blood Sport is Murder" on them in scarlet letters. "I got Hermione to wear one too. We're taking a stand against the killing of innocent animals for our entertainment."

Mrs. Weasley looked to Harry, who had come to stand beside Luna wearing another shirt. He nodded, his expression grim. "The killing of these creatures is a terrible waste. Especially the beautiful and rare Blast Ended Skrewts."

"Blast ended what's?" Mrs. Weasley asked, looking very confused.

Luna reached into her bag and pulled out a picture of a truly horrific looking monster, which was ripping a hog limb from limb and setting it on fire with its tail. "Killing them for sport disrupts their natural life cycle and sends these majestic creatures to an early grave. Would you like to buy a plushie? It will pay for the adoption of a blast ended skrewt by the quibbler so it can live out its life in happiness."

Harry dutifully produced a stuffed thing, which resembled a cross between a scorpion, a slug, and pure hatred. "Only one galleon a piece!"

"An' a bargain at the price!" Hagrid declared, waving at the family from a few rows up. He was sort of wearing a protest shirt, except Luna hadn't accounted for just how large Hagrid was, and as such Hagrid had less of a shirt and more of a skin tight tank top on. Which gave everyone a view of far more of Hagrid than anyone (except possibly Madam Maxine) would ever have wanted.

"Oh sweet Merlin," Mrs. Weasley gasped. She quickly turned away from the hairy sight and forced a smile. "Of course, we'll take one. Won't we Arthur?"

"Of course," Mr. Weasley said, fishing out a galleon and handing it over. "Have to support your children's hobbies, don't you?"

Harry handed over the skrewt, and Luna gave Mr. Weasley a quick hug. "Thanks."

Mr. Weasley kissed the top of Luna's head. "Of course sweetheart. Your father sends his love."

"Funny, I thought he was here," Luna declared, the skipped off with Harry to warn others of the horrific and vicious blood sport they were about to witness.

"Well, at least we haven't made a mess of all of them," Mr. Weasley sighed, shaking his head as he examined the weird plushie.

"They'll be just fine," Mrs. Weasley said, wiping a tear from her eye. "Even Bill and the twins. At least as long as we have anything to say about it."

A horn sounded, and the crowd roared. From above, five answered roars echoed. From on high, the champions and their dragons descended like the bolts of Jove. The dragons crashed into the sandy arena floor, all five together in the center. Then they extended their wings and faced outward, roaring and breathing flame and toxic fumes. The crowd went wild at the display, cheering and shouting.

"Ladies and Gentle Wizards, I present to you your Champions!" the voice of Ludo Bagman boomed.

"From Bulgaria, the Dark Conqueror, Victor Krum!"

Said Dark Conqueror waved jauntily to the crowd, then pet the stuffed Blast Ended Skrewt he'd tied to his saddle horn. The crowd laughed and cheered, Victor raised his axe on high as Karadza reared and roared once more.

"From France, the Femme Fatale, Fleur Weasley!"

"WHAT!?" Mrs. Weasley's voice squawked over the roar of the crowd.

Fleur smiled and blew a kiss toward her new mother in law, holding up her hand so that the wedding band on it could be seen by all, as well as her freshly dyed red hair.

"Charlie you magnificent bastard, you landed a great one!" Bill hooted, pounding his brothers back. "You didn't tell me you tied the knot!"

Charlies eyes were wide with terror, but he dipped his hand into his pocket and produced the wedding band. "Um, surprise?"

Before Mrs. Weasley could launch a tirade, Mr. Weasley reached over and shook Charlie's quivering hand. "Nice. She's lovely, Charlie. Just like your mother and I did it back in the day. Right Mollywobbles?"

"Oh? What, yes, um just like it," Mrs. Weasley stammered. She looked around worriedly. "She's not pregnant, is she? Because fighting monsters just isn't appropriate for a woman in her condition and-"

"What? No! Not yet!" Charlie gasped. "We've been very careful!" Suddenly, his eyes widened. "Wait, does that mean that you and dad-"

"Oh look they're announcing Hermione," Mrs. Weasley said, desperately trying to change the subject.

Hermione waved at the crowd, who had patiently waited while the main characters used their talking as a free action card. The crowd roared, celebrating the Hometown Heroine of the Girl-Who-Fought-Monsters.

"I always get left out," Cedric said sadly, shaking his head. "They all liked the lot of you much better. Even though I have twice as many dragons."

"Cheaters is never prosperous," Victor said, quirking a half smile at the Hufflepuff champion.

"And now, fighters to your corners," Ludo Bagman declared.

"One moment!" Hermione called, reaching into her saddlebag and pulling out one of Luna's shirts. She pulled it on over her armor, then grabbed a parchment and hastily read, "I hereby lodge this protest over the vicious treatment of the animals in this contest, and also the humans. This barbaric practice should have been outlawed long ago, and it saddens me that I am forced to participate in it instead of pursuing more peaceful activities. For the next Tournament, I suggest we all take part in an academic decathlon."

The sound of crickets filled the stadium, helpfully supplied by Lockhart for just such a dramatic occasion.

Ludo scratched his balding pate and frowned. "Does that mean you are withdrawing from the contest?"

"Can I?" Hermione asked hopefully.

Bartemius Crouch stood and glared at Hermione. "Not unless you wish to forfeit your magic, and possibly your life! And that of your dragon!"

The crowd gasped, and looked to Hermione. With a sigh, she shook her head. "I could never allow something like that to happen to Ramoth. I will participate, but under duress."

"Then let the blood shed commence!" Bagman roared, and the crowd cheered wildly, save for a small section near the Weasleys.

"Boo!" Hagrid shouted. "Shame on you all!"

"Shame! Shame!" Harry and Luna chanted. "Save the blast ended skrewt!"

"Only the Weasleys could love such menaces," McGonagall growsed, uncorking another bottle of calming draught and firewhiskey and downing it.

"Does that make Hagrid a Weasley?" Professor Sprout wondered.

Professor Flitwick shrugged. "Who knows. But if his beard turns red, I'm retiring."

The champions retreated to their respective corners of the arena, and the floor began to shake. The sand quivered, then began to drain away as massive walls began to rise up, forming a maze in the stadium. Parts of the walls were made of wood, other sections of stone of various kinds, some of fire, and others of living plants.

"Ooo, I hope we're ready for this," Hermione said, looking anxiously at the walls.

Ramoth rumbled deep in her chest and looked back at her rider, her harness and barding jingling softly.

Hermione managed to smile. "Well, at least we won't see anything more dangerous than you in there girl." Then she looked back up at the walls, which were now towering many feet over her. Unbeknownst to her, Hermione and Ramoth and both been shrunk, as had the other champions, so they were only about two feet tall. This allowed the maze to appear gigantic, while still allowing the crowd to look down and see all the action.

Hermione urged Ramoth forward, and they approached the maze. In the walls there were two gates. One was set in wood, the other stone. The stone gates frame was made of banded iron with spikes on it, while the wooden gates frame was overgrown with living vines and flowers.

"Oh, that one looks much nicer," Hermione said, pointing towards the wooden gate. "Let's go that way."

Ramoth lifted off into the sky, beating her wings and flying just above the surface. She flew through the massive gate, roaring a battle cry. As she passed through the gate, the vines grew thorns and quickly overgrew the exit, blocking the way back.

"Oh. Maybe it's not so nice," Hermione said, but she turned around, raising her sword. "Oh well. Today was going to be horrible anyway."

"What's happening?" Ron panted, running up to slide into a seat beside his parents.

"She's just entered the maze," Charlie told him. "Where were you?"

"Saying good luck," Ron said, rubbing at a hickie on his neck.

"Uh huh. Sure."

Hermione and Ramoth burst out of the end of the gate, and Ramoth beat her wings, trying for altitude. There was a loud buzzing sound, and Hermione looked up.

"Oh no."

The largest beehive Hermione had ever seen hung suspended from an oak tree that appeared to be the size of a skyscraper from Hermione's reduced viewpoint. From the hive appeared a swarm of bees, and the flew right at the dragonrider.

"Ramoth, flame!" Hermione ordered. "Make smoke! It puts bees to sleep!"

Ramoth roared and breathed out a gout of flame. The first rank of bees was roasted alive, and dropped out of the sky. However, behind them came more, and Hermione raised her shield, slashing at a bee the size of a kestrel as it attempted to sting her.

"Dive, set the ground on fire!" Hermione ordered, pointing to the lush carpet of greenery below them.

Tucking in her wings, Ramoth dove for the ground, falling beneath daisies as tall as street light pole. She breathed out more flame, catching the flowers alight, and causing them to wither and die. However, the green stems produced a great deal of smoke as they burned, causing the bees pursuing Hermione to slow down, the smoke making them docile and sleepy.

"More, burn more!" Hermione ordered, tucking away her sword and drawing her wand. She shot out several spells of fire and flame, and soon a blackened patch of plant life began to grow, giving off a great deal of smoke. HErmione conjured a bubblehead charm for both herself and Ramoth, then looked toward the beehive. The buzzing had died down, with most of the bees landing or returning to the hive as they buzzed feebly in the smoke filled air.

"That's done it! Quick, let's try to find an exit."

Ramoth beat her wings to gain altitude, and Hermione spied two gates build into the trunk of the oak tree. Once was low to the ground and made of shaped stone and had gems set into it. The other was higher up and had brambles woven into its frame.

"Well, maybe the brambles path will be easier," Hermione reasoned. "The gems probably have something really nasty past them. Come on girl, the bramble gate it is."

Ramoth growled climbed higher, then flew into the bramble gate. They passed through, having to dodge thorns as they made their way through. At least they broke out into the other side, which was a large, dusty field covered in a thick growth of brambles and thorny vines.

Hermione looked around, but didn't see anything aside from the plants. Off in the distance, she spied the wall and two dark holes in it that had to be gates. "That way girl, stay away from the ground, I don't like the look of those."

As Ramoth beat her way towards the far exits though, there was a great rushing sound, like that of wind in the branches.

"A storm?" Hermione wondered, looking up and about her in the sky.

"RAIN FROM THIS STORM SHALL LEAVE YOU PINNED TO THE GROUND LIKE AN INSECT!" a ragged voice roared.

From in front of Hermione, a vast shape arose from out of the brambles. Except, it wasn't arising from the brambles, rather, it was the brambles. The vines and thorns drew themselves up into a vaguely humanoid shape, bound together with thorny vines. The figure opened its eyes, which burned with a baleful yellow light. It extended its arms, and from them a shower of thorns erupted and sped towards Hermione and Ramoth.

Raising her wand on high, Hermione unleashed a blast of wind magic, which howled and blew away the thorns. However, it also caused Ramoth to lose speed, and they began to drop towards the ground.

"HAHAHAH!" The thorn elemental raised a foot and attempted to stomp at the falling dragon riders.

With a cry, Hermione raised her sword and slashed at the vines as Ramoth back winged and just managed to dodge away from the creature.

The elemental howled in anguish, and as Ramoth flew by she breathed out flame, catching some of the brambles alight.

"NO! I SHALL PIN YOU TO THE GROUND LIKE AN INSECT!" the elemental roared.

"You said that already," Hermione shrieked. "Ramoth, go for the head!"

Ramoth barreled forward, and the creature raised its arms, trying to bat the dragon and rider aside. As it did so though Ramoth whipped her tail out and slashed at one arm, and Hermione raised her sword and slashed at the other. The creature cried in pain, its arms flailing away.

"Fire!" HErmione cried, raising her wand and unleashing a blast of magical flame. Ramoth opened her maw and added to the inferno, and with a cry of anguish the elemental fell, its head ablaze.

"Quick towards the exit, I don't care which one!" Hermione ordered.

Ramoth dove, streaking through a gate made of stone as black as midnight.

As they came through the tunnel, Hermione squinted, trying to see in the dim light. However, no light could be seen at the end of it. Hermione raised her sword on high, and a light shone out from the runes inscribed upon the blade. The flickering light revealed only darkness however, and Hermione looked around as Ramoth hovered in mid air.

"Where are we?" Hermione wondered.

"You, little girl, are lost," a deep voice rumbled.

"Show yourself!" Hermione cried. "I seek only passage through! I have no wish to fight you!"

"Indeed?" the deep voice rumbled. "How odd. For you see, I very much wish to fight you, little girl."

"I do not fear you," Hermione cried, looking around and squinting at the darkness to try and see what was talking. "I do not fear the darkness!"

"A likely tale." From the shadows, the sound of rushing wings was heard, and Hermione cried out, pointing her sword at the source.

"Lumos maxima!" A beam of light shot out of the sword, piercing the darkness and causing a roar of pain.

Hermione gasped in horror at what she saw. A creature that seemed made of shadow and mist and been barreling towards her and Ramoth, but upon the beam of light striking it the creature swerved aside, causing the wind of its passage to buffet Hermione and Ramoth.

"After it girl," Hermione ordered, raising her sword high once more.

"Foolish wizard!" the voice hissed. "I am darkness! You cannot defeat me."

"Oh really?" Hermione asked, looking around once more. "Seems like you have a bit of photophobia."

There was silence for a moment, then the voice said, "Photowhat?"

"Photophobia. It means fear of the light," Hermione explained. "You see, photo is the latin word for light and phobia is-"

"Oh sweet ashes. They gave me a nerd."

"Sorry, I babble when I get nervous. Now shall we get back to killing one another?" Hermione called.

"Gladly," a voice said from directly behind Hermione. She gasped as icy talons bit into her back, and Ramoth roared, twisting to throw off the creature that had landed on her back.

Hermione tried to turn around, slashing with her sword, but hitting nothing. "What are you!" Hermione called.

"I am vengeance. I am the night. I am-"

"Batman? Really? That's awfully unoriginal."

"What? No! I am no mere rodent, I am-"

"Bats aren't rodents you know, they're actually of the order Chiroptera, which is the only variant of flightless mammals."

"...You know what? I don't even care anymore. Just die."

Hermione felt the rush of air above her, and leaned back, slashing with her sword and calling upon its magic to let loose an intense blast of light. The creature screamed as the light struck it, and then fell back, covering itself with bat like wings.

But Hermione had gotten a decent look, and tsked in disapproval. "You're nothing but an overgrown chimney imp! Honestly. That vengeance bit, what was that even for?"

"Because you wizards are always driving my kind out!" the imp snarled, unfurling its wings and diving at Hermione again. "And I'm not overgrown, you're undersized."

"Ramoth, roast this thing," Hermione ordered.

Ramoth gladly obeyed, letting loose a torrent of flames.

The imp, however cackled and came on, slashing at the dragon and drawing blood. "Fool! I am a chimney imp, we are born of ash and flame!"

"Why is your voice so deep? Have you been inhaling sulfur hexafloride?" Hermione demanded, slashing at the retreating imp and managing to knick it's long monkey like tail.

"Ow! I don't even know what that is!" the imp torned, snarling and diving at Hermione's head.

She raised her wand and shouted, "Aguamenti!" A torrent of water slammed into the imp, which cried out and fell. Hermione waved as it went by. "Turns out, chimney imps don't like to get wet! Bye!"

"Curse you nerdy witch!" the imp wailed as it plummeted.

Hermione sniffed, then raised her sword once more, channeling more power into the runes so that it seemed to turn into a bar of pure light.

"That way, Ramoth. That has to be the exit."

This time, there was only one exit, and Ramoth flew through. As they went, the tunnel brightened, until Hermione found herself flying into a golden throne room.

"We did it!" Hermione cheered, bending down and hugging Ramoth's neck. "This has to be the end!"

Ramoth bellowed out a roar of triumph, and landed before the throne. Upon the ornately gilded golden seat, a large cup rested, shining silver amidst the gold and marble of the chamber.

Hermione hastily dismounted, wincing as she did so. Still, she managed to straighten, and slowly ascended the steps. Upon reaching the top, she looked around. "There isn't a trap is there?"

Ramoth growled, pacing around the dias. However, the dragon found nothing, and shook her head towards Hermione.

Sheathing her sword, Hermione reached for the trophy. "At least this is all over."

No sooner than her hands had touched the cup though, then Hermione felt a tugging at her navel. She tumbled through nothingness, then sprawled in a heap upon mossy stone.

"Behold!" a voice cackled. "My nemesis!"

Hermione looked up, and saw a crowd of masked individuals with dark robes. At their head was professor Quirrell, who waved merrily.

"Hello, Hermione. How are your studies? You were always such a good student."

"Not good, actually. I've missed a lot of classes because of the tournament, Professor," Hermione replied instinctively. Then she gasped and struggled to her feat, fumbling for her sword. "Wait! You're evil! You've got Voldemort on you!"

"Oh yes, and he's so excited to speak to you. Just let me turn around and-"

"Shut up you fool! And turn around that I might behold my triumph."

The figure turned, revealing the face that was leering at Hermione. "Hello, Hermione Weasley. I have-"

"Granger. It's Hermione Granger still. Honestly, you people can't seem to get my name right at all."

"Silence! Your name matters not! Only that you have defied me, and must be laid low. Crucio!"

Hermione raised her sword, trying to block the spell, but it was no use. She crumbled to the ground, writhing in pain.

"My Lord, is this really necessary?" A voice called through the haze of pain. "Let us complete the ritual and be done with it."

"Fine, fine, Nymphadora. Go, collect the blood," Voldemort ordered, lowering his wand and causing the pain to end.

Hermione moaned, rolling over and trying to draw her wand.

"Shh, it's OK kid, I'm here to rescue you," the voice of Tonks whispered, cradling Hermione's head in her hands. "We're going to get out of here and-"

"Stand aside niece, this is my honor!"

Tonks was shoved aside, and Bellatrix Lestrange used a knife to slash Hermione's arm, drawing forth a spurt of blood that she caught in a silver bowl. Bellatrix then hurried back to Voldemort, kneeling and offering the blow to her master.

"Bugger. Ow well, that's Sirius' problem now. Come on, hold on to this," Tonks said, lowering a large bronze key.

Hermione grabbed it, and Tonks whispered. "Portus!"

Nothing happened. "Come on, Portus! Portus portus portus!"

"Why's it not working?" Hermione muttered.

"Bollocks. They must have put up anti portkey wards. Hold on kid. This is going to suck."

Hermione watched dazedly as her blood was poured into a large cauldron the death eaters had brought forth. Quirrell cut off his hand, which was tossed in as Voldemort intoned a ritual. Then Quirrell was raised aloft so that he could be lowered in.

"Hang on," another voice whispered. Remus appeared, taking hold of Hermione's hand. "We're going to get you out of here."

"Keep her alive!" Voldemort ordered. "I want to kill her myself when I am reborn in my glorious new body!"

"Er, sure thing boss!" Tonks called. She turned to Remus and hissed. "What are we going to do? We can't fight our way passed all of them!"

"Sirius is here, he can help us," Remus whispered. "We just have to-"

There was crash light that of thunder, and all eyes focused on the cauldron. It rumbled, then with a bang it split amidst a rush of smoke and steam.

From within the haze, a figure arose. It stood on shaking legs, then felt the back of its head.

"It worked! Master it worked! You're off the back of my head! I can-"

"Out of the way moron," Bellatrix snarled, grabbing Quirrell and yanking him off to the side. "Be silent the master approaches."

"Ah, once more, my body is my own," a high raspy voice hissed. The fog began to dissipate, and wrinkly, shriveled form stood up amidst the shattered remains of the cauldron. "Once more, I, lord voldemort will-"

The figure paused, the coughed twice. "Is that...my voice? Is this my voice?" it coughed again, then shrugged, stepping out of the obscuring mist. "Oh well. Now, to destroy my-"

"AHHHHH!" the death eaters shrieked. They all cowered in terror, covering their eyes, save for Quirrell, who frowned.

There was a moan, and one Death Eater fainted dead away.

"Sirius has fainted!" Rudolphus Lestrange called.

The horrific figured raised a hand, gesturing to its body. "He has beheld the form of Voldemort, the picture of masculine perfection! His excitement at finally being able to make love to me is-"

"Oh sweet Merlin!" Hermione wailed, covering her eyes and turning away. "It's hideous!"

Voldemort frowned, folding arms over naked chest. "Worm! I shall destroy you! Have you never beheld such a picture of manhood? A poor girl like you should at least be able to see-"

"Am I really going to get that saggy when I get old?" Hermione groaned, looking to Tonks who was averting her eyes as well. "That's horrific."

"Saggy, what are you-" Voldemort looked down. Then started and gasped. Twice, Voldemort's head shook, eyes growing wider and wider. "No! This cannot be! What has happened!"

"Please...My...Lo-...er, please. Just put on this robe," one of the Death Eaters begged, holding out a robe for Voldemort.

"Oh, I don't know, I think the new body is quite good my lady," Quirrell said happily. "You'll make a splendid Dark Lady."

Voldemort put on the robe, still in shock. She looked down at her body, covered in wrinkles, then reached down and felt between her legs. "It's gone. It's all gone. There's nothing there."

Quirrell shook his head. "I'm pretty sure there is something there, it's called a v-"

Bellatrix smacked Quirrell upside the back of his head so hard he sprawled on the floor. "Er, Voldemort, are you...um...are you still the Dark Leader?'

"Of course I am!" Voldemort hissed. "Give me a wand!"

A wand was hurriedly found, and handed over to the newly formed Dark Lady. She pointed the wand at Hermione and grinned. "And now, I shall destroy my nemesis, and conquer all of magical britain!"

"Please do," Hermione groaned. "After seeing you, I don't think i want to live beyond 18."

Voldemort's lips curled into a sneer, and she raised her wand. "Fine by me."

/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/

 _Authors Note:_

 _For those of you wondering, Voldemort looks and sounds exactly like Yzma from the Emperor's New Groove. Which means she is totally Scary Beyond All Reason._


	35. Chp 35: What's her name?

_Author's Note: Before we begin, I just wanted to say thank you to all my readers, and especially those of you who have left all the wonderful reviews. We've hit 1300 reviews, which is quite the milestone. Enjoy!_

 _Chapter 35: What's Her Name?_

Voldemort raised her wand, eyes flashing maliciously. "Avada Kedavra!"

The green beam of light raced out the wand so fast, not even Tonks was able to react. It slammed into Hermione, causing her to fall back on the ground, twitching and writhing.

"AHAHHAAHHAH!" Voldemort cackled. She raised her wrinkly arms high to the sky, flourishing the wand. "Behold, I, Lord Voldemort, have vanquished my nemesis and-"

"She's not dead!" Tonks gasped, bending over and examining Hermione.

"What!?" Voldemort screeched, stiffening and glaring at Tonks.

"She's...a llama?" Remus said, stepping back.

On shaking legs, a red haired llama stood up, looking very confused. It brayed, then tried to bend over and pick up the fallen sword in its mouth.

"A llama?!" Voldemort screamed. "SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!"

"Yeah, weird," Quirrell said, rubbing the back of his head as he stood from where Bellatrix's blow and knocked him. "Oh well. Why don't we head back and try those spinach puffs I made before we left? I think we've all had enough excitement for today and-"

"SILENCE YOU BABBLING MORON!" Voldemort raged, stalking over to the llama, which had given up on picking up the sword and was glaring at Voldemort. "I've still yet to kill my nemesis! The Girl-Who-Fought-Monsters will never defy Lord Voldemort again!"

"Um, maybe you should let me handle it, my er, Leader," Bellatrix said, coming over to stand beside Voldemort. "Your new body may take some time getting used to, after all, you've never been a woman before and-"

"SILENCE!" Voldemort screamed, her voice cracking as she hit the high note. "I am LORD Voldemort! I am no woman!"

"Oh merlin, it was all a nightmare then," Sirius Black groaned from the ground, leaning up against a gravestone as he tried to stand.

In a flash, Voldemort was at his side, batting her drooping eyes at Sirius. "Fear not, my love, I, Lord Voldemort, have regained mortal flesh once more! With my magic, I shall restore my body to its virile glory, and we shall become the lovers we have sought to be since the last war."

Sirius looked up at the saggy, sallow face with bags under the eyes, looked over the wrinkled and aged flesh of the female body, and promptly moaned and fainted once more, banging his head on the gravestone.

"It is too much," Voldemort wailed. "My love cannot stand this! You!" Voldemort pointed her wand at the llama. This is all your fault!"

With incredible aim, the llama pursed its lips and spit. All the death eaters eyes tracked the globule of phlegm as it arched through the air and landed square between Voldemort's eyes. The llama smirked and bleated.

"RAAAARRRGHH!" Voldemort wailed, scrubbing at her face. "I'm going to turn you into a flea! A tiny little flea! And them I'm going to put you in a box! And then I'll put that box inside another box and give it to my house elf who will deliver it to my manor door where I will SMASH IT WITH A REDUCTO SPELL!"

"Well, the Dark Leader hasn't lost their touch anyway," Rudolphus Lestrange muttered. "Still as eager to shed the blood of mudbloods as ever."

"Of course I haven't!" Voldemort hissed. "Now, someone turn that llama back into Hermione Granger. We're going to have a proper wizards duel where I shall prove that even in this weak, inferior female form-" Bellatrix and Tonks both let out cries of anger, but Voldemort didn't notice- "I shall prove I am the mightiest of all wizards!"

"Witches are better anyway," Tonks grumbled.

"You said it, Nymphadora," Bellatrix whispered, her eyes blazing. "We'll have to show our Dark Mistress just how much better being a witch is."

"I am staying out of this one," Remus vowed. "This is over my pay grade."

"You get paid?" Quirrell asked, sounding jealous.

"Well no, but even if I was I know better than to get between a pair of angry witches," Remus admitted.

"Oh. Well, at least I have my spinach puffs." Quirrell sighed. "Should we turn the llama back into a girl?"

"I'll handle it," Tonks said, raising her wand. "Homorphus!"

The llama folded in on itself, and in a moment Hermione lay dazed on the ground where it had been.

"That was very odd," Hermione muttered, shaking her head to clear it.

"Stand up, girl, you will face me in a duel," Voldemort ordered, waving her wand imperiously.

Groaning and clutching at her various wounds, Hermione got to her feat, brandishing her sword.

"Not like that," Voldemort barked. "Like a proper wizard!"

"I'm not a wizard, I"m a witch, just like you," Hermione huffed.

"You take that back!" Voldemort snarled. "Crucio!"

Hermione winced in preparation, but the curse hit her and caused part of her t-shirt to turn into purple.

"Ha! You've lost your touch!" Hermione ran forward, swinging her sword in an overhand blow.

Voldemort let out a panicked shriek and dodged behind a gravestone, which Hermione's sword slashed clean through, causing the upper half to topple over.

"Ahhh!" Voldemort wailed, running away and tripping over her trailing robe. She did a somersault and fell into an open crypt.

"Should we help her?" Rastaban Lestrange asked.

"Not until she apologizes and admits witches are just as good as wizards," Tonks sniffed.

"Hmph. I won't settle for anything less than a confession that witches are superior in every way," Bellatrix declared, folding her arms across her chest.

The other Death Eaters shifted uncomfortably, looking at one another behind their masks and feeling rather lost.

"Go Voldemort, you can do it!" Quirrell cheered. "Voldemort! Voldemort! She's our Lady, if she can't do it, no mudblood can!"

Hermione dashed into the crypt, sword held high. A moment later, Voldemort burst out of a cellar door, panting and scrambling back onto the surface. She raised her wand and pointed it back into the hole. "Reducto!"

A spray rose petals flew out of the wand, filling the graveyard with a sweet scent. "ARRRGH!" Voldemort wailed, scrambling away and shaking the wand. "This one is broken, someone give me a better wand!"

"Say, does anyone else hear music?" Quirrell asked, pausing his chant and cocking his head to one side.

Everyone else paused, save for Voldemort and Hermione who continued to dash about the graveyard desecrating and destroying graves, and listened.

Faintly, the sound of the William Tell Overture Finale could be heard on the wind….

/\/\\\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/

 _Some time earlier…._

No sooner had Hermione vanished than Ramoth raised her head and bellowed angrily and began spewing flames , racing around the throne room and clawing at the gilded stone and wrecking the golden seat.

"Where did she go?" Ron demanded, standing up on tiptoe and peering around the arena. "Was that supposed to happen?"

"I don't think so," Charlie replied, coming to his feet and shading his eyes. "The trophy was supposed to portkey her out of the maze to the winner's dais, but I don't see her there."

"I smell foul play," Bill declared. "Nareh, with me."

Bill and Nareh ran off, Ron hot on their heels towards where Ludo Bagman and Bartemius Crouch were near the champions seat. The rest of the Weasleys turned back to watch the other champions as they made their way through the maze. About two minutes after Hermione had reached the end, Victor Krum and Karadza crashed into the throne room, covered in battle scars after a fight with a redcap in their last encounter.

"Vhat is happen?" Victor demanded, seeing the riderless Ramoth.

Ginny jumped up, waving and shouting, but though she could see and hear the champions, the champions were blind and deaf to the crowd. "Oh Charlie, it's useless, can't we get down there somehow?" Ginny demanded of her older brother.

"Yes, actually." Taking out a silver and bone whistle in the shape of a dragon's claw, Charlie blew a long, piercing note. As the note faded, an echoing roar could be heard, and a moment later, Norberta swooped down from the clouds, causing the crowd to shout in terror.

"Climb on!" Charlie shouted, and Ginny leapt aboard with him, despite the protests of their parents.

They flew over to the champions dais, where Bill, Nareh, and Ron were all shouting at Ludo Bagman who seemed completely lost.

"Well of course it was a portkey, but it was supposed to bring her up here," Bagman was saying for perhaps the fifth time. "I don't know where she's gone now."

"Well bloody well find out!" Ron roared. "That's my girlfriend who's gone missing!"

"I thought she was your sister," Bagman said, looking confused.

"That's not the point," Bill snarled. "The point is you've got a missing champion, and we need to find her!"

"Bill," Nareh said quietly. "There is something very wrong with this man."

Bill nodded, glaring at Bagman. "Yeah, he's a complete arse who got hit with a bludger one too many times."

"Not him. This one. He seems...wrong." Nareh pointed to Bartemius Crouch, who was off to the side with Percy, who was clutching tightly on his arm and whispering urgently to the man.

"No, no, I've got to go young man. Yes, yes, I'll try to find your sister, but urgent matters require my-"

"What do you mean something is wrong with him?" Bill asked Nareh, turning away from Bagman.

Nareh narrowed her eyes, slowly drawing out one of her knives from her bodice. "He feels like Mad Eye did yesterday."

"Like I did what?" Mad Eye Moody snarled, stomping over.

"Not now Sirius," Bill hissed. "Hermione seems to have gone missing and-"

"CONSTANCE VIGILANCE!" Moody bellowed, waving his cane about. "I bloody well told them someone was going to sabotage that portkey, it was too big of a security risk! I tried to talk this idiot here out of it but Barty insisted it would be fine."

"Wait, you're actually Mad Eye?" Bill asked, confused.

"Run a bloody check for polyjuice, you poor excuse for a cursebreaker," Moody huffed.

Bill pulled out his wand, performing a quick modified human revealing charm. "See, it twigged. Knock if off Black you're-"

"DARK WIZARDS!" Moody roared, blasting Bagman into unconsciousness. "Check him, boy, and be quick about it."

"I'm starting to think he's not Sirius," Nareh said dryly.

"I'm always serious," Moody growled.

Nareh rolled her eyes and covered her eyes with the palm of her hand.

Bill bent to pat down Bagmen, but just then a scuffle broke out with Percy and Crouch.

"Let go of me, boy!" Crouch snarled, punching Percy in the jaw. "I've got to-"

"Stupify!" Bill shouted, and Crouch dropped. Bill jumped over Bagman and hurried over to Percy who was looking pale and rubbing his cheek where Crouch had hit him. "He's the imposter, not Bagman," Bill explained.

"Mr. Crouch? But I've been with him all day, he hasn't been acting out of the ordinary at all," Percy protested.

Bill patted the unconscious minister down, then pulled a flask from his pocket and uncorked it, sniffing. He blanched and tossed it to Moody. "Polyjuice potion. You were right, Nareh."

"Bill, what do we do?" Ginny shouted from atop Norberta. Ramoth hovered beside her, back to normal size and looking agitated.

"We've got to go after her," Bill said, holstering his wand. "Constan-I mean, Alastor, you stay with Crouch, whoever he turns out to be. Percy, you stand guard as well, explain things to the ministry if they ask. We're going after Hermione."

Nareh jumped off of the stand, turning into her bird like form and circling Ramoth. "She senses her riders location. If we follow her, she can lead us there."

"Capital idea Nareh, I was getting a bit bored just sitting here," Lockhart said, standing atop the flying carpet like it was a surfboard. "I'll bet my hat it was Voldemort. This stinks of his wicked treachery."

"We're coming too!" Harry shouted, hurrying along with Luna hot on his heels. "We've got to mount a rescue mission!"

"Don't think you can leave us behind!" Cedric said, flying up with Sigmund and Sieglinde. "After all, whoever returns with that trophy gets to be champion."

"You is not fooling anyone. You is being silly hero, and would go even if there is no being no prize," Victor stated flatly as he brought Karadzha around and landed on the platform next to Harry and Luna. "Small Weasleys, come. We is rescue Hermione and all be silly heroes."

"I would hate to lose my future sister in law before she is even wed," Fleur declared, setting down with Gaston atop the winner's dias.

"Its settled then," Bill declared. "We're all going."

"Wait, wait!" Mrs. Weasley shouted, panting and running up with Mr. Weasley and the twins.

Bill turned, his face flushed and glared down at his mother. "We're going mum, and you can't stop us!"

"Stop you?" Mrs. Weasley gasped. "Bugger that, I'm bloody well coming with you and skinning whoever kidnapped my baby girl myself."

"Did mum just swear?" Fred asked, looking bewildered.

George shrugged. "Stop talking and get on a dragon."

Soon everyone was mounted up, and with Mr. and Mrs. Weasley in the lead on Ramoth with Ron, the group flew off to the raucous cheers of the crowd, who apparently thought it was all part of the show.

"I feel a bit guilty, staying behind," Percy said, gazing somewhat wistfully at the departing flight of dragons.

"Don't sweat it dear," Penny said, coming up to stand beside him. "We're going to get the scoop of a lifetime when I turn this all into the Quibbler. Plus, why is your boss stunned and on the floor with Bagman?"

Percy turned around to explained, mollified and certain that whatever happened, at least the one responsible for this was going to have hell to pay.

"Do you think we'll get there in time?" Ron shouted to Lockhart as they sped across the sky.

"Don't worry, I have just the thing," Lockhart declared, pulling out a silver vial and tossing it to Ron. "Give some to the dragons."

"What is it?" Ron asked, pouring a bit into Ramoth's mouth then throwing the vial to Fleur.

"Plotbium, my boy. It makes the dragons go at the speed of the plot."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Mrs. Weasley demanded.

"It means that a wizard adventurer is never late, madam. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when the plot means for him to."

"Don't ask," Nareh called. "He's always saying things like that. Seems to think life is one great big story."

"Well this one had better have a happy ending or I'm flaying you alive young man," Mrs. Weasley called to Lockhart.

"Now, now, dear, be considerate," Mr. Weasley admonished. "At least have the decency to kill him first."

A few moments later, a stirring orchestral piece began to emanate all around the dragons.

"What's going on?" Ginny shouted, clinging on to Charlie's back.

"That's the dramatic music," Lockhart answered. "It means we're about to arrive."

"Does this sort of thing happen often around you, Mr. Lockhart?" Mr. Weasley asked.

Lockhart cackled and grinned maniacally. "Only on the very best adventures my good fellow, only the very best!"

"What's that in the graveyard?" Bill asked, pointing to a gloomy looking plot of land where a group of people in dark robes seemed to be gathered.

"Why, that looks like the perfect place to bring a nefarious plan into fruition," Lockhart declared. "Tally ho!"

With a mighty roar, the half dozen dragon swooped down, breathing great gouts of flame and extending their talons.

Meanwhile, down in the graveyard, Quirrell raised his arm to point at the oncoming death "Ahh, it's the Weasleys!" Quirrell shrieked. "We're all doomed!"

"Bloody hell, that's-AIIEEEEE!" one of the nameless Death Eaters screamed as he was caught in the breath of a dragon and immediately incinerated.

The Death Eaters scattered, drawing wands and firing off a salvo of spells at the dragons.

"You fools, didn't anyone ever tell you dragons are nearly immune to spells," Lockhart shouted, landing in the midst of the Death Eaters and drawing both his sword and his wand.

"Sweet Merlin, they've got Lockhart with them too! We're all ACK!" the poor, nameless Death Eater was chopped in half by Lockhart's sword, even as the master monster hunter blasted another group with his wand.

"What do we do?" Quirrell asked, turning to Tonks and Lupin, who were trying to grab Sirius and drag him away.

"Um, well, the lot of you should all die gloriously while we retreat with Sirius here," Tonks said. "Or, well, make them die gloriously?"

"You heard her, charge!" the Death Eater declared, raising his wand and stepping towards an oncoming dragon. He fired off three spells, which splashed harmlessly against Norberta's hide. The dragon then landed, biting the death eater in half, and using her tail to skewer another death eater that had been sneaking up behind her.

"Mistress, Mistress, we've got to go!" Quirrell shouted, hurrying over to Voldemort who was still running away from Hermione. However, Hermione was tiring thanks to her wound and earlier exertions, and instead of continuing the pursuit ran over to Ramoth.

"She's here! Voldemort is here, she's back!" Hermione shouted, running up to her dragon.

Ramoth reached out with a taloned forelimb, catching ahold of Hermione and tossing her onto her back, where Ron caught her.

"You're alright!" Ron cried, laughing and hugging Hermione as tears streamed down his face.

"You came for me," Hermione gasped, hugging tightly to Ron. "You all did!"

"Of course we did dear, you're family," Mrs. Weasley said. Then she turned back around. "Die you evil bastards!" and blew a Death Eater clean in half with a single spell.

"Curses, damn these Weasleys and their dragons!" Voldemort shrieked. "Whose idea was it to give them those?"

"Um, yours?" Quirrell answered, ducking behind a gravestone to dodge another burst of dragon fire.

"Oh." Voldemort sank down beside Quirrell, tapping her bony chin. "Then it was an excellent plan that you somehow screwed up."

"Awww," Quirrell moaned, hanging his head.

"There you are!" Bellatrix gasped, crawling over to the gravestone that Quirrell and Voldemort were hiding behind. "We've got to retreat, my Lady! The dragons and Weasleys are too much. Who could have foreseen such an event?"

Quirrell raised his hand, but Voldemort slapped it down. "Indeed, let us grab Black and your husband and retreat."

"What about the others?" Bellatrix demanded.

Voldemort peaked over the gravestone, just in time to see a Death Eater run past, screaming in pain as they burned alive.

"I'm sure they'll be fine," Voldemort declared. "Come, back to the secret lair!"

Tonks and Remus had cast aside their robes and masks, and were dragging the moaning Sirius Black away from the graveyard as fast as they could.

"Finally, we're free!" Tonks cried. "I never thought this nightmare would end!"

"We can finally start our lives together," Remus said, smiling over at Tonks. He then kicked at Sirius. "Just as soon as we deal with this idiot."

"I've been dreaming of this," Tonks said with a sigh. "A nice home together. You, me, the baby-"

"Baby?" Remus asked, coming to a screeching halt.

"Yes, I was waiting to tell you until we could leave, but, Remus, I'm a month pregnant. Don't worry, I-"

"There you are, quick!" Voldemort shouted, grabbing ahold of Remus and Tonks. "Everyone hold hands. Quirinius, you do have that portkey I gave you, don't you?"

"Yes Mistress!" Quirrell said, holding up an iron disk.

"What, no don't-" Remus began, trying to jerk away.

"I've got Sirius, let's go," Bellatrix said, grabbing ahold of Remus' other hand.

"NO!" Tonks wailed, just as Quirrell shouted "PORTUS!"

The graveyard vanished, and in a moment everyone was sprawled on the floor of the Riddle Manor house.

"Are we all here?" Bellatrix demanded, standing up and looking around.

"Everyone that matters," Rudolphus declared, picking up his brother. "The three of us, Tonks, Lupin, the Dark Leader, Sirius, and well, Quirrell too I suppose."

"I hope the others are OK, I kind of liked some of them," Quirrell said, standing and dragging a dazed Tonks to her feet.

"Oh please," Voldemort hissed, wiping the dust and grave dirt from her robe. "Can you even remember their names, fool?"

Quirrell paused, thinking. "Was one of them named Kronk? I think there was a Kronk."

"The only Kronk is you, fool. Now come, I'm hungry. This poor body is malnourished," Voldemort declared.

Quirrell practically skipped after her, his face lighting up. "Oh, we can have my spinach puffs! You like spinach puffs, don't you Mistress?"

"Don't call me that! I'm still the Dark Lord Voldemort!"

Tonks looked around, feeling dazed. "No…" she whispered. "It's not over!"

"What's not over, dear?" Bellatrix asked, coming over to stand beside her niece. "You're not hurt, are you?"

Tonks flung her arms about her aunt's neck and began to sob. "I'm pregnant and trapped in a manor with a mixed up Dark Lord and his bumbling minions!"

"Hey," Rastaban protested. "We're not all bumbling!"

"You are," Remus muttered.

Rastaban opened his mouth to protest, but Rudolphus smacked him upside the head. "Shut up. Don't argue with our niece. It's not polite to do so in her condition. And Remus!" Rastaban drew his wand, shoving it up under Lupin's throat and causing him to gulp and raise his hand helplessly. "You got my niece pregnant. You know what that means, right?"

"Um-" Remus stammered.

"Marry her, or we'll destroy you," Rudolphus vowed. "Got it?"

Remus nodded, his head bobbing up and down on the wand.

"Excellent! Then come, let us celebrate! Someone get Sirius up, he's got to hear the wonderful news!"

Lupin groaned and bent to wake his friend. How was he going to raise a child with a Dark Lord, no scratch that, Lady, on the loose in a gloomy manor with a bunch of Death Eaters?

/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Meanwhile, the Weasleys and accompanying adventurers had all returned to Hogwarts.

"There they are!" Percy shouted, pointing up to the sky. Then he turned around, kicking at the body of the strange man who had appeared in Crouch's place. "You recognize this scum, Mr. Moody?"

"That's Crouch," Moody growled.

"No, he was Crouch, now he's someone else. Who is it?" Percy demanded.

"I told you, Crouch. He was Crouch, but now he's gone and changed into Crouch," Moody snapped. "Keep up boy."

"You're not making any sense! This isn't Mr. Crouch, it's someone I don't recognize, and I knew Crouch very well."

"Well if you knew him so well you'd recognize Crouch when you saw him. Trust me, I spend a lot of years watching over him, and this is Crouch alright."

"Are you blind in both eyes now? That's not Minister Crouch at all!"

"Of course it's not, it's Crouch not Ministister Crouch!"

Percy was turning purple and about to have an apoplexy when Penny grabbed his arm. "Oh, I recognize him! He's Crouch's son, Crouch Junior!"

"WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO!" Percy shrieked, glaring at Moody.

The magical eye spun about, almost as if it was laughing. "I did, weren't you listening? Kids these days, can't even listen to a man talking right to them."

"What happened?" Ludo Bagman asked groggily, sitting up and blinking. "Where's the champions?"

"We're right here, Mr. Bagman," Hermione declared, jumping down from Ramoth and landing before the tournament director. "And we've got news."

"Oh, excellent, excellent, a speech from the Champion," Bagman babbled. "Come, up on the dias, let the crowd cheer for you."

Hermione stepped up onto the dias, the other champions and their dragons landing behind her.

"Citizens of Britain, I bring dire news!" Hermione shouted, her voice amplified by the magic of the champions dias so that everyone could hear. "Voldemort has returned!"

There were cries of panic and anger from the crowd, and Bagman tried to hurry Hermione off the stage.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Percy said, poking Bagman in the gut with his wand. "Let my sister speak."

"Isn't she dating your brother?" Bagman asked, sounding dazed.

"Yes, now shut up and listen," Percy ordered.

"I was kidnapped from this very tournament," Hermione continued, "by the booby trapped champions cup which was actually a portkey. Placed here by none other than-"

"Crouch," Moody supplied.

"No, by the man who impersonated Crouch," Hermione hissed. "Who was it?"

Moody grinned wickedly and opened his mouth, but Percy cut him off. "It was Crouch Junior, who I believe was supposed to be dead or something?"

"By Crouch Junior, who was impersonating his father from beyond the grave," Hermione said to the crowd.

There were disbelieving cries and mutters of shock, and the crowd shifted uneasily.

"They kidnapped me to draw my blood, which was then used in a dark ritual to allow the Dark Lord Voldemort to be reborn. They succeeded, and from the Dark Ritual, Voldemort was reborn even more hideous and foul than ever. She attempted to kill me, and-"

"Wait, I'm sorry, did you say she?" someone from the crowd called.

Hermione nodded seriously. "Yes, Voldemort was reborn as woman! She tried to kill me, and though the Weasley family and friends fought bravely, we were-"

"Are you serious?"

"The Dark Lord's supposed to be a woman now?"

"This is is a load of bollox, stop trying to spread rumors!"

The crowd shouted angrily, and Hermione waved her hands.

"Wait, wait, I'm sure there is a logical explanation, maybe because I'm a girl and they used my blood? Or maybe someone sabotaged the potion?"

Snape, for once in his life, was the picture of innocence back in the Hogwarts teacher box. "Sabotage the Dark Lords potion? Only a skillful and masterful potions master could ever manage such a thing."

"Don't brag, Severus, it doesn't become you," Dumbledore murmured.

The angry mutters of the crowd continued to swell, until Gilderoy Lockhart stepped up onto the stage next to Hermione. "Ladies and Gentle Wizards it is I, Gilderoy Lockhart, Monster Hunter extraordinaire!"

There was scattered applause, though mostly everyone still looked confused and angry. "I was with this charming young woman when we confronted the Dark Lady. I beheld her hideous visage, and together we smote many and evil wizard, driving off the Dark Lady and-"

"You're a bloody fraud!" a voice cried in an Spanish accent. There was a collective intake of breath, and all eyes turned to an angry looking witch. "You remember me, Gilderoy Lockhart? I'm Juanita Sanchez, and I'm the real person who killed the Sonora Ghoul! You and you're sidekick tried to steal my glory again when you attacked that family of chupacabra two years ago, and you tried to wipe my memory again! You're nothing but a fraud, and you've always been a fraud who could only ever cast memory charms!"

"That's not true at all!" Hermione said, planting her hands on her hips. "Is it, professor Lockhart?"

Lockhart, for his part, had gone pale, and appeared to be very ill. He licked his lips. "Miss Sanchez, again, I apologize. I...I have had to confront my past, and I assure you, though I may at one time been nothing but a fraud and glory hound I-"

At this, the crowd lost it, roaring with anger and throwing half eaten bags of hot chips and rotten food they had conjured.

"Frauds!"

"Liars!"

"Can't take us for fools!"

"Professor Lockhart?" Hermione asked, her voice going soft and quiet. She turned to her former teacher with wide eyes, only to see the man hang his head in shame.

"I can't outrun the past, it seems," Lockhart said, sighing heavily.

"But you did defeat the basilisk," Hermione protested, "I was there, I saw it!"

"Indeed. However, though I have attempted to cover myself in glory for as long as I can remember, it seems my own memories have been modified," Lockhart explained. "And, I believe it was Voldemort who did it?'

Hermione took a half step back, a look of shock and confusion distorting her face. "No...no it can't be!"

"I"m afraid it is. Farewell, Hermione. May your adventures be more real than my own have been." With that Lockhart stepped aboard his flying carpet, and flew off into the distance.

"Bill, what happened?" Ron asked, sounding as dazed as Hermione felt.

"I don't know," Bill said, looking to Nareh.

The veela let out a heavy sigh. "Lockhart is a hero, now. But once...well, let us say that sometimes the truth is even stranger than fiction."

"You is all fools," a voice boomed over the roar of the crowd. Victor Krum, atop Karadza, gazed out at the assembled citizenry, his eyes blazing. "Hermione speaks the truth. Dark times is coming. You vould deny this girl, the one who has fought and defeated so many Dark threats, simply because you vould rather hide like scared rabbits?"

There were more soft murmurs.

"She is the one who defeated Dementors!"

"Um, no, actually," Hermione said, cowering slightly. "That um, that was Professor Lupin the one time, and the Headmaster the other."

"You is not helping," Victor said, rolling his eyes. "Still, you defeated Sirius Black, yes?"

"Welllllll…." Hermione trailed off, looking guilty.

"Vhat about the basilisk?"

"Um, not really, that was Lockhart."

"Have you done anything you claimed you have?" a voice called from the crowd.

Hermione started to speak, but Bagman interrupted her.

"She's having an illicit romantic relationship with her brother!"

The crowd once more erupted into angry shouts and began to pelt the stage with food and refuse once more.

"I have something to say," Cedric declared, stepping out onto the stage. The crowd quieted for the most part, eager to hear more gossip and tawdry details.

"I've been around the Weasleys and Hermione for a year now," Cedric began. "A lot of people think they're terrors."

"They're a menace to society!" Draco's voice shrieked.

Cedric rolled his eyes. "And others claim that they are some sort of heroic demigods."

"WE LOVE YOU FRED AND GEORGE!" the Carrow twins shrieked, waving excitedly.

"Well they're not. They're ordinary people just like you and me, except they have a lot more fun and actually give a damn. So, to all of you who would drag Hermione and the Weasleys through the mud just because you don't like what they have to say, I say to you: Piss off." Cedric then threw the forks at the crowd and stuck out his tongue. He then turned, slapped Hermione on the back, and laughed.

"This has been the most fun I've had in my entire life. Don't let these idiots get you down." Cedric then ran to his two dragons, and looked out over the crowd which was once more shouting insults and hurling rubbish.

"I think it's time to go, don't you lot?"

"The Burrow is in Ottery Saint Catchpole," Hermione intoned, sounding defeated. "You all get that?"

"Yes, but why are you telling us that?" Fleur asked, looking confused.

"Because your mum looks even more pissed off than ours, sis," Bill declared. "Come on, everyone back on the dragons. I think it's time we went on holiday."

And so, once more the Weasleys and their friends departed, leaving behind an angry stadium full of people who had been cheering them only an hour before.

"How the fickle winds of fame blow," Dumbledore mused, shaking his head.

"Hem, hem," a voice said behind him. "Headmaster, we must talk. Events at your school have been most irregular."

Dumbledore suppressed a groan. The Weasleys did give the most interesting headaches.

 _Authors Note:_

 _Some people may be wondering how far I'm going to be taking the whole Voldemort is Yzma thing. To that I say:_

 _There are despots and dictators_

 _Political manipulators_

 _There are purebloods with the intellects of fleas_

 _There are ministers and petty tyrants_

 _Who are so lacking in refinements_

 _They'd be better suited to swinging from the trees_

 _Your resistance now is futile_

 _No one has ever been this brutal_

 _In a thousand years of mageocracy_

 _An enigma and a mystery_

 _In British Wizarding History_

 _The quintessence of dark magic that is she_

 _She's the Dark Lord of the nation_

 _She's the wickedest witch in creation_

 _She's the evil, the horrid, don't you see_

 _And this wizarding world will spin_

 _Around her every little whim_

 _'Cause this wizarding world begins and ends with_

 _What's her name?_

 _VOLDEMORT!_

 _That's her name_

 _VOLDEMORT!_

 _She's the dark lady of the world_

 _VOLDEMORT!_

 _Is she wicked or what?_

 _VOLDEMORT_

 _Yeah!_

… _..._

 _Kuzco is my favorite Disney Princess_


	36. Chp 36: Expert at Pretending

_Chapter 36: Expert at Pretending_

 _Two weeks Earlier:_

"Dolores, may I have a minute?"

Dolores Umbridge looked up from her latest article on properly educating young minds for the daily prophet, and smiled warmly at the red headed young man standing at her door way. "Of course Percival, of course! My door is always open to my younger colleagues."

Percy stepped into the office, taking a moment to look around. There were several honorary degrees on the walls, multiple pictures of magazine and newspaper covers with Umbridge or one of her latest books on parenting or education displayed, and a variety of cutesy motivational posters, including one of a kitten with glasses in front of a large book with the caption "Reading is Purrfect!"

"Dolores, I've been in and out of Hogwarts for the past few weeks, helping with the Triwizard Tournament, and I've come to you for some advice on some things I've seen there."

At the mention of Hogwarts and advice, Umbridge puffed herself up, smoothing her floral pattern robes and smiling so that her dimples showed. "Why, I suppose if it's an educational matter, that might be something I can help you with! I'm a bit of an expert, you know."

"Well, being the Special Undersecretary for the Mundane and Magical Education of Young Minds I thought you'd be the best one to talk to," Percy said.

"Well, there is a bit of a difference in overseeing the homeschooling or schooling in the muggle world of young minds and educating those of an age for magic and Hogwarts, but I'll try to keep up," Umbridge chuckled, smiling and nodding to a bookshelf in the corner of the room, where her latest book was displayed. "Eight Things Good Mothers Do" was a bestseller and has been featured in Witch Weekly.

"Well, it's actually more about the staff than the students," Percy admitted.

Umbridge nodded seriously, then leaned forward conspiratorially. "Well, just between you and me, my next book is titled 'The Magic of Teaching' and is a guide to being a more effective educator, complete with several guides to classroom management and student engagement."

"Oh good," Percy said, looking relieved. "You see, I've started to notice that some of the staff really are not treating some students fairly, and that several seem to have quite the addiction to calming draughts and alcohol."

"They what? What makes you think that?"

As Dolores listened with mounting horror to Percy's tale, her mouth gaped wider and wider until she looked like a pink, frilly toad. "My goodness Percival, that's...that's horrible! I'll need to speak to the Minister at once! The future of our children is at stake?"

"Oh, I didn't know you had a student at Hogwarts, Dolores," Percy said standing as Dolores furiously began to compose a memo.

"Oh, I don't have children of my own of course. It would be a great waste of my time and talent to need to put it all into just one or two children. No, no, my calling is to be an expert and a resource on education and children for all of magical britain."

"Where did you teach at, then, to acquire all your experience?"

"Oh, I never taught, I just have my honorary degrees and saw what others were doing wrong. I'm very good at that you know. Don't fear, Percival, this will all be taken care of. It sounds like Hogwarts is in need of the Umbridge touch."

Feeling mollified, Percy thanked Umbridge and left the storm that was now brewing in her office.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/

The end of term had once more arrived at Hogwarts. With the Weasleys all away and the dragons gone (much to the sorrow of Hagrid and no one else) the final exams and awarding of the House Cup was mercifully quiet and smooth. McGonagall and the other professors were even feeling so good, they went without calming draughts.

Once the students were all gone, the Professors assembled for their last staff meeting before the holidays. Everyone was laughing and eating snacks and drinking tea and butterbeer, ready to rest and relax over their holidays. Just as the party was really getting going, Dumbledore strode in, his face grim. The professors quieted down, worried about what the headmaster had to say.

"Professor Dumbledore sir, it's not the Dark Lord is it?" Hagrid asked, looking concerned.

"No, Hagrid, it is far worse than that," Dumbledore declared. "Lately, I am less and less certain that Voldemort is even really a threat anymore."

"Oh Merlin, what did the Weasley's do now?" McGonagall groaned.

"I am afraid this is far more disastrous than any havok the Weasleys could ever wreck, Minerva," Dumbledore said gently. He looked around the staff room, his face solemn. When he spoke, it was with a tired tone that showed his advanced age. "Everyone, the ministry has heard of the...difficulties...that our school has had with staff. Students in danger or mistreated by professors, staff with substance abuse problems, and racist attitudes encouraged on our campus."

There were murmurs of concern, and Professor Sprout stood, looking very worried. "Headmaster, they're not forcing you to retire, are they?"

"The Board of Governors is still reviewing my status," Dumbledore answered. "But, I must warn you, next year possibly the most dangerous and evil thing in education will descend upon this school."

"More Weasleys?" McGonagall asked, sounding faint.

"Death Eaters?" Snape demanded.

Hagrid looked sick. "They're not...they're not sending back them dementors, are they?"

"No." Dumbledore began to pass out copies of a book with a smiling, grandmotherly witch in pink on it before of a blackboard, with the title written in white calk.

"The Magic of Teaching?" Professor Flitwick asked. "Why, this is by that idiot Umbridge. She hasn't the first clue when it comes to children or education. She's got all those awful books on parenting and teaching despite having no children of her own or ever spending a single moment in the classroom."

"I urge you not to speak ill of your coworkers in front of the group, Fillius. Some would construe that as unprofessional conduct," Dumbledore said.

Silence descended on the room like a choking fog. Several Professors felt their chests tighten, and their breath come faster and thinner. Dumbledore pulled an old pocket watch from his robe and glanced at it, then sat at the head of the staff table and folded his hands. "Take a moment to collect yourselves, and prepare to put a brave face on things."

"That old bitch Umbridge is coming here?" Moody (who was, in fact, not Sirius) demanded in a loud tone.

"Hem, hem, hem," a voice said from the hallway, and the door opened once more to admit a smiling Dolores Umbridge. "Surely you wouldn't talk about a fellow staff member with such language, Professor Moody."

"Albus, you're not serious, are you?" Moody growled. "What the bloody hell is she even going to do? You've already got all the positions covered for next year. One thing this school doesn't need is some bureaucratic busy body sticking their nose everywhere."

"Hem, hem, hem," Umbridge coughed, giving Dumbledore a meaningful look.

Dumbledore sighed and shook his head. "Alastor, that kind of tone and language is not conducive to the inclusive and cooperative environment that Hogwarts will seek to foster in the future." Dumbledore said this in a tone of someone who was repeating something they didn't believe, but had memorized and were regurgitating regardless.

"What the bloody hell kind of niffler dung are you spouting?" Moody demanded. "Inclusive and cooperative? This is a school for Magic!" Moody slammed his cane onto the ground, causing Umbridge to flinch. "We need CONSTANT VIGILANCE! We're not a bloody day care!"

Dumbledore shook his head and started to speak, but a "hem, hem, hem," interrupted him.

"Do you have something to say, Resource Development Coordinator Umbridge?" Dumbledore said in a tired voice.

Umbridge stood, beaming at all the staff, save for Moody, who she managed a smile. "I'm so very pleased to be here. I see that you've all received a copy of my latest book, The Magic of Teaching. This summer, we're going to be conducting a group book study where we all need to write weekly reflections, which will be submitted to me and shared out amongst the staff so we can all reflect upon our professional practices-"

"As if you've spent any time being anything other than a professional know-it-all," Moody grumbled, loud enough that everyone clearly heard him.

Umbridge, however, kept right on going. "-and work to further develop our skills that we might better serve our students and foster a sense of collaboration and community amongst the staff. You are all required to participate, and please note that you will be evaluated in the coming years upon your ability to enact the eight pillars of education laid out in the book in your own classrooms and professional behavior. Failure to do so will result in you being placed on a Professional Develop Personal Improvement Plan, where the Headmaster, myself, and the professor in question will all work to improve their professional practice to acceptable level. Some of us, however, my need to begin our PDPIP sooner than others."

Moody picked up the book, flipped through it, then blasted it into the nearest bin with his wand. "Right, so, you mean me, don't you?"

"Well, if you wish to volunteer, Professor Moody, I'm certain we could look at the Staff Community Expectations in chapter 5 together and all create an outline to help you improve your interpersonal communication skills," Umbridge said sweetly.

"I have another idea," Moody said. "How about you piss off."

Umbridge continued to smile, though the corner of her left eye twitching slightly. "Professor Moody, I believe you will need to stay after the meeting so that we can begin work on your PDPIP with the Headmaster and myself so that you will be ready to begin at the start of the next term."

Moody slammed his hand down on the table, then stood. "Right, I've had just about enough of this nonsense. I was considering staying on for next year, but right now that sounds about as enticing as putting my balls in a vice and letting you crank away. So instead, I'll leave, and you can kindly go bugger yourself."

Umbridge squawked and started to protest, but Moody was out of the room before she could do more than sputter.

Dumbledore sighed heavily. "Well, I suppose I'll need to find yet another new defense professor now. They are getting a bit thin on the ground."

"Oh, no need, no need, Headmaster," Umbridge said, trying to regain her pep and cheer. "I'll take over the position myself. After all, it seems the changes we've begun to implement at my suggestion are responsible for the void in your staffing, and it's only right that I help fill that hole."

"Are you even qualified?" Snape sneered. "I thought you were some sort of staff training expert."

"Well," Umbridge said, drawing herself up and puffing up like a pick loofa. "I happen to be a member of the Dark Force Defense League thanks to my books 'Defeating the Monsters Under Your Child's Bed' and 'Dark Magic and Education: What is your Child REALLY Learning?' So I think I would be an improvement over a fraud like Gilderoy Lockhart. Not that I blame the school, of course, we were all quite taken in."

"I do so look forward to seeing you defeat a 60 foot basilisk then," Snape drawled.

Umbridge went very paled, but soon recovered and was all smiles once more. "Now, I'm certain you're all aware of the substance abuse problem that has been plaguing this school, and I know you'll all be excited to start the 12 Step Alcoholics Anonymous program with me starting in two weeks time."

There was an audible groan from the staff, and several mutters about "never surviving the Weasleys sane."

Dumbledore cleared his throat, interrupting the chatter. "While madam Umbridge and I are still working out the details of many of her various...suggestions… about changes to be made at this school, there is one thing we are both in agreement on: the abuse of potions and alcohol by the staff must come to a sharp and immediate conclusion. I am also in agreement on her plans for staff sensitivity training when it comes to the treatment of students. Would you care to explain, Ms. Umbridge?"

"Of course, of course!" Umbridge reached into her bag and pulled out several colorful posters that had smiling animals on them, which she levitated in the air. THen she pulled out four sock puppets: A lion, a snake, a gryffon, and a badger. Umbridge put on the lion puppet, and grinned at the professors who all had on expressions of pure disbelief. "Hello everyone," Umbridge said in a voice that was a bit raspy and entirely too jovial to be addressing adults with, "I'm Godric the Lion, and I'm here with my friends to talk to you about the Four Pillars of Character! Respect, Fairness, Responsibility, and Caring! As a lion, I always respect-"

"Is she serious about this?" Pomfrey whispered to McGonagall.

McGonagall shrugged, and took a pull from her flask. "I don't know, but there is no way I'm getting through this meeting sober."

While her actions earned McGonagall a glare from the headmaster, she was not the only one taking precautionary measures as Umbridge trotted out each of the puppets and put on a show that was far better suited to four year olds (and even they would have quickly gotten bored) then a room full of professors with decades of experience. Only Hagrid seemed to be enjoying himself, responding to the puppets and chuckling about "'ow cute the little buggers are."

By the time the meeting ended, even Dumbledore was reconsidering. "I hope the students summers are more entertaining than this," the Headmaster mused.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

While entertaining is not exactly the word most people would use for life at the Burrow, "boring" would most certainly be the last one. This was especially true with the full furor of the upcoming wedding having taken over Mrs. Weasley's life, along with the fact that they'd had to construct a barn to house a number of dragons, which was playing havoc with their animals.

"Calm down girl, Norberta isn't going to eat you," Harry told Gertrude the dairy cow.

Gertrude, for her part, was having none of that, and mooed and kicked as she was lead out to pasture. Norberta, for her part, was not helping in the least, as she followed every motion of the cow as she was being lead out of the barn yard.

"Bloody hell Charlie, would you put up some sort of barrier or something to keep them from panicking the animals," Harry shouted at his brother, who was busy levitating shingles up to the new barn's roof for the twins to put on.

"Sure, sorry Harry," Charlie called. He muttered a spell, and a cloud of smoke appeared, obscuring the barn from the view of Gertrude. This calmed the cow somewhat, though her eyes were still rolling in her head as she was lead out to the meadow.

"You know, I quite like dragons, but they're a bloody nuisance around here," Harry muttered to himself.

Gertrude seemed to agree with this, as no sooner were they at the meadow than she trotted over to a small grove of trees and hide behind them, trembling slightly. Harry hurried back to the barn, getting the three goats out to the meadow while the cloud skill kept the dragons from view. The goats, for their part, tried to butt their heads into Harry's chest in protest, convinced that if they left the safety of the barn they'd be a snack for certain.

"Ow, stop that!" Harry shouted, kicking at one of the goats and trying to attach a rope to their necks.

"Need a hand?" Luna asked, stepping into the barn and smiling at the obstinate goats. "Hello Tick, Mite, and Weevil. How are you today?"

"Bloody stupid," Harry muttered.

The goats, for their part, bleated nervously, backing away from Luna as if she smelled of dragon (which was all too likely). Luna frowned, then lifted her wand up and pointed it at the goats. "Somnus!"

All three goats fell to the ground asleep, their troubles momentarily forgotten.

"Thanks," Harry said, rubbing his chest. "Let's just levitate them out to the pasture."

Once all the animals were out in the pasture, Harry and Luna went on the daily egg hunt, searching down all the interesting places their nervous hens had managed to put their eggs this time. While this would have been a chore for a muggles, with a simple point me charm the eggs were easy enough to find.

"Oh, thank you for helping Harry, Luna dear," Mrs. Weasley said, taking the eggs and stowing them in the ice box. "Now I need the two of you to go outside, I'm trying to fit Fleur and Penny for dresses today and I just don't have time to help you find any wockets or waskets."

"That's OK, I already checked all your baskets," Luna said seriously.

Harry cleared his throat. "Actually mum, I was sort of hoping Luna and I could go to the London Zoo today. She's never been before, and I'd like to show her all the muggle creatures."

"Only if you take me with you," Percy declared, hurrying down the stairs. "God help me I love that woman but if I have to look at one more floral arrangement I'm going mad."

Mrs. Weasley pursed her lips in annoyance, but Mr. Weasley poked his head in from outside. "That sounds like an excellent idea, Percy. Keep the three of you out of the ladies hair."

"Oh, fine, but be back by teatime, I want you helping to pick out doilies, Percy," Mrs. Weasley ordered. "And Luna, we need to fit your dress for the flower girl. And Harry, don't forget you're the ring bearer, we need to get you fitted for your suit at some point."

"Mrs. Weasley, zee dresses are here," Fleurs voice called.

"Percy dear, come take a look at this, i want to know if you think-"

"SorrypennyIhavetotakeHarrysomewhereby," Percy shouted, ushering his younger siblings out the door to the car. "Thanks dad," he called as his father tossed him the keys.

"Don't mention it. Your mother has been waiting for this for 25 years, and it's getting to be a bit much. I'll have her and the girls calmed down by the time you get back," Mr. Weasley promised, using his wand to put some fire proofing charms along the barn.

"Good luck!" Harry called as they got into the car.

Luna pursed her lips, looking back at the house where the sounds of women shouting about dresses could be heard. "You know, I'm not certain I'd be all that interested in a wedding like this one."

"Lord knows I'm not," Percy muttered.

"Yeah, it seems like an awful lot of fuss for just one day. Besides, Fleur and Charlie are already married, anyway," Harry opined.

Luna nodded sagely. "Its settled then, we'll just elope in 1999."

"We will?" Harry asked, confused.

Luna tsked and nodded, taking out her calendar and flipping through the pages. "Yes, of course, it's right here Harry. Then we'll go to the Congo and find a crumple horned snorkack for our honeymoon."

"You'll have to take a bloody long time about it," Percy grumbled. "Mum's not likely to be talked out of another wedding."

"That's fine, I'll just have to convince Hermione to have hers while we're gone. I'll be sad to miss it, but the magical creatures of the world won't find themselves now will they," Luna declared.

"Go back to the part where we elope in 1999," Harry said. "I'm not sure I remember agreeing to that."

"Well, I'm open to 1998, but only if I feel that my seventh year at Hogwarts will be exceptionally boring with just Ginny," Luna informed Harry. "Still, since she'll be the captain of the Quidditch team I imagine she won't' have much time for me."

"I don't remember agreeing to this," Harry told Percy.

Percy kept his eyes on the road, a smile twitching at his lips. "I don't recall agreeing to marrying Penny either, but that's probably just because of all the dementors."

"You were very romantic," Luna informed him. "I especially liked your part of the love ballad you sang while defeating the rat king together."

"See, I don't remember that happening either," Harry said, to no one in particular.

Luna snuggled up to Harry, putting her head on his shoulder. "That's quite alright, you remember things as they are, I'll remember them as they should have been. It's much nicer that way."

After making their way through traffic, Percy dropped Harry and Luna off at the entrance to the zoo. "Have fun you two."

"Where are you going, Percy?" Harry asked. "Aren't you coming with us?"

"I've got four hours before we have to go back. So I'm going to do the only sensible thing," Percy answered.

"Go to the pub and get drunk?" Harry guessed.

Percy looked horrified. "What? No! Go into the office and get caught up on my paperwork."

"That does sound much more sensible than getting drunk," Luna agreed.

"I'll pick you up sharply at 3:30," Percy called as he started up the engine. "Try not to breach the statue too many times, it creates a lot of paperwork."

Once Percy was gone, Luna pulled out a large number of bills from her pocket and examined them. "Now Harry, which one of these will help us pay for the zoo? My father brought the back from his travels and told me this is the sort of money muggles use. See? This one is worth five hundred billion dinars. That should be enough, right?"

Harry took the yugoslavian bill and examined it, his eyes going wide at the numbers. "My God Luna, I think we might be rich! I don't know what the exchange rate is, but five hundred billion dinars has to be enough to refill my vault and then some!"

They ran up to the teller's window, huge grins on their faces. "Two tickets please!" Harry said, waving the bill around.

"Fifteen quid," the teller said.

"Here," Harry handed over the bill. "We'll need change, of course."

The teller's eyes went wide, and she held the bill up. "This...this can't be real, can it?"

"I assure you, it is," Harry declared. "My dates father brought it back from his travels. He owns a newspaper, and is very wealthy."

"I...I'm going to need a moment to check on this," the teller said, then hurried off into the back.

Five minutes later, a very angry supervisor appeared. "What is the meaning of this?!" The man shouted. "This thing isn't even worth the paper it was printed on! What sort of moron would try to pay with this?"

"Oh," Luna stammered, her eyes filling with tears. "I'm very sorry, my father, he gave it to me from his travels and said it was the sort of thing mu-"

"She means that it was a mistake, and I'd be happy to pay," Harry said, hastily taking out his wallet and putting a £20 note on the counter.

The supervisor picked up the note, examining it closely. "Hmph. It looks real enough. Fine, let them in, but don't you try to pay with any of that funny money again, you hear?"

Luna nodded, hiccuping and wiping away a tear.

"Come on, let's go," Harry urged, leading her away from the entrance. "Come on, let's go find some animals to look at. Have you ever seen a giraffe? They're very odd."

Luna was quiet as they hurried away, seeming lost in thought. Harry led her up to the giraffe exhibit, where two of the animals were wandering about their enclosure. Luna held Harry's hand as she peered up at the animals, though her eyes were distant and unfocused.

"Sorry about that," Harry whispered. "Most muggles aren't that rude."

"No, I was just thinking," Luna said, shaking her head and smiling at Harry. "You know, I think my father means well. Xenophilius, that is. He does try to take care of me, bring me gifts and such. But...but my mother's death affected us both, I think."

Harry held his tongue, squeezing Luna's hand and continuing to look up at the giraffes. After a few minutes, she spoke again.

"I know it's not all real, you know."

"What's not all real?" Harry asked, looking at Luna, who was smiling as she gazed at the giraffes. "They're real, all these animals are real. Well, not the stuffed ones but they were real."

"No, I mean the nargles and wrackspurts and snorkacks and glowering rogans," Luna answered.

Harry tilted his head to the side in confusion. "But you're always talking about them! I mean, we've spent a lot of time looking for them. And I thought we'd found a few, even."

Luna shrugged, glancing at Harry and smiling before turning to walk towards the opaki exhibit."Some of them are, yes. And it's fun to look for them. But...well, I mean, sometimes I use them as a sort of excuse, I guess."

"What do you mean?" Harry asked, hurrying to keep up and dodging out of the way of a herd of young children who were racing by.

"I mean that instead of thinking of things that hurt him, my father would talk about things that he found more interesting, like conspiracy theories or supposed creatures," Luna said, sitting down on a bench in the shade of a tree and looking into the enclosure. "Like, if I asked why mummy wasn't coming back, he'd mention how there were a lot of wrackspurts in the room, or how my mother was infested with nargles or how the heliopaths in the ministry were responsible for the creation of daylight savings time."

Harry was quiet for a long time, processing this and trying to make sense of it. "So...what you're saying is some things you do the same thing? If something is painful you play make believe instead."

Luna nodded, tears coming to her eyes. She sniffed and wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand, then laughed and smiled at Harry. "Yes, but, well, ever since Tom went away, I don't feel like I have to pretend so much. Because you're there, and so is mum and dad and all of our wonderful brothers and sisters, honorary or otherwise. So I don't have to say you have a lot of nargles, I can just say I love you."

Harry felt like a hand had wrapped around his heart and was squeezing, hard. "Luna...I...I don't know…"

Luna took Harry's hand in hers and squeezed it with both her hands. "You don't have to say anything. Just be there for me, Harry. Ok? And when life gets hard, I'll be there for you, too."

Put his free arm around Luna's shoulders, and a moment later she was embracing him, silent tears spilling onto Harry's shoulder. "I'll always be here for you, Luna. I promise."

"Don't say that," Luna scolded. "We'll have to be apart sometimes. Just, after we're done being apart, we have to be together again, OK?"

"OK," Harry agreed.

They separated, and Luna fussed with Harry's hair a bit, trying to get his unruly ginger hair to lie flat.

"Does this mean we can't go hunting for blibbering humdingers anymore?" Harry asked, feeling slightly wistful at the notion.

"Harry, if I ever get to stodgy to allow that anything is possibly real if you look at it from the right perspective, just slap me with a fresh trout, twice."

"Why a fresh trout?" Harry demanded.

"Don't you know? That's the best way to attract a Many Faced Rentil. I've always wanted to find one, and they're very good at bringing people back to their senses."

"Huh. Guess that guy at the front of the zoo could have used one," Harry said.

Luna laughed and stood, spreading her arms wide. "Oh, this is so wonderful! I never imagined that non-magical creatures could be so interesting! Come on, Harry. I want to go see a tiger. Tell me, do they really have springs in their tails?"


	37. Chp 37: Cant Hold on Much Longer

_Chapter 37: Can't...hold on… much…longer!_

Dawn came, and the house at Number 4 Privet drive awoke. The kitchen was filled with the smell of cooking food as grunts of exertion came from the new workout room in the back. Vernon spotted for Dudley as the young boy lifted a barbell of significant size, then they switched places, Dudley spotting for Vernon who lifted a slightly smaller set of weights. Then the two stepped into the boxing ring and did a few rounds of practice fighting with pads on. Once they'd worked up quite a sweat, the father and son touched gloves and made their way to the showers.

Dudley's once lanky blonde hair was cut short, though he still used the shampoo that Dobby had purchased for him in Diagon Alley. Once he was clean, Dudley dried off and paused in front of the mirror to shave. Dobby had made several comments, starting a few months back, about how "master was looking a bit scruffy" and Dudley hated to disappoint the little house elf. He carefully lathered himself up and shaved off the few hairs on his chin and cheeks, before brushing his teeth and making his way downstairs.

The house, as always, was immaculate. Even Aunt Petunia (who was now on several medications to help with her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) had a hard time finding any fault with it, real or imagined. Dudley paused by an old family photo, looking at the people he and his parents had been just a few years ago. He, fat as a pig, his father the size of a small continent, and his mother looking like a strung out addict. That had been before Dobby had come, and the thought of the house elf had Dudley smile he put the picture back on the table, and hurried off to breakfast.

"Good morning Great Master sir!" Dobby called, putting a plate of scones, baked ham, and beans in front of Dudley. "Big day today, sir, Dobby is hoping Great Master is excited."

"Yeah," Dudley agreed, patting the house elf fondly on the head. "I'm glad we'll get to see Harry again."

"Oh, Harry?" Petunia said, looking up with a slightly dazed expression from her scones and eggs. "He's very odd, you know."

"Harry Potter is a very great wizard," Dobby sniffed. "All great wizards are being odd, mistress."

"Oh, yes," Aunt Petunia said, frowning slightly. "You know, I never did like magic, you know and-"

Before her rant could continue, Dobby popped away, then popped back, pouring a small tumbler of gin and expertly mixing it with tonic, placing it on the table next to Petunia along with a small pill. "Drink up, Mistress. Dobby is not wanting you to be having another one of your panic attacks. Yous is knowing what Dr. Kopola is saying, yes?"

"Oh, yes, it's alright, no need to panic, life can be practically magical," Petunia recited. She took the drink and pill, gulping it down. After a moment, she smiled at Dobby. "Oh, thank you Dobby, I don't know what we'd do without you."

Dobby blushed and bowed, hopping away to get breakfast for Vernon, who came down the stairs looking a bit dazed. Uncle Vernon always looked a bit dazed, ever since Dobby had officially taken over his meals.

"What are we having today, Dobby?" Uncle Vernon asked, sitting down at the table and looking hopefully over at Dudley's generous portions.

"What was the scale saying today, sir?" Dobby asked, giving Vernon a pointed look.

"Er, 16 stone?" Vernon said, sounding a bit like a child trying to convince his mother to give him an extra biscuit. When Dobby frowned and tapped his foot on the floor, Vernon hastily added, "and 5 pounds."

Dobby sniffed and nodded, and then made up a significantly smaller plate for Vernon. Vernon looked disappointed, until Dobby patted him on the back and smiled. "Dobby is proud of Big Master, Big master has been making good progress with Great Master in boxing. Big Master can have what he wants at the party today. But must work twice as hard tomorrow!"

Vernon nodded eagerly and began to happily eat his breakfast.

Once everyone was done, Dobby collected everyone's plates, then began to bark orders phrased as polite requests that everyone get dressed for the wedding. Petunia fussed over Dudley's tuxedo, talking about how her little boy was "all grown up" as she tied his bowtie and patted his cravat.

"Great Master is looking very nice," Dobby said, quickly shining Dobby's already polished shoes one last time. "Now you really must be going, Dobby would hate to have Great Master be late for his first appearance in the wizarding world."

"My first appearance?" Dudley said, sounding confused.

Dobby nodded seriously. "Oh yes, Dobby is knowing that Great Master will wish to prove himself the most stylish and powerful of wizards, and Dobby knows all the witches will be fawning over Great Master."

"But I'm not a wizard?" Dudley asked, looking to Dobby for confirmation. "I don't have any magic?"

"Ah, but Great Master is having a house elf, and that is the best kind of magic of all."

Dudley couldn't really think of any way to argue with that, and shrugged and made his way to the car.

"You're sure the Bakery will be alright today?" Vernon asked as he opened the door to the car, looking to Dobby.

"Oh yes, Dobby will manage. Dobby will close up shop early and attend the wedding himself. Masters be sure to have a good time, and Dobby will be so proud."

"Bye, Dobby," Dudley said, waving as the car pulled away.

"You know, I wonder what the neighbors think of Dobby," Petunia said, in a the half dazed tone she normally used when she tried to think too hard.

"I'm not sure they even realize he's there," Dudley said quickly. "And if they do, I'm certain they think he's very normal. And at least he got rid of all those gnomes."

"Damn little bastards," Vernon growled. "Stealing fellows shotguns, ruining the shrubbery."

"Er, why don't we listen to the audio tap Dobby got for us from the library," Dudley said, taking out a cassette tape. "Doesn't that sound nice?"

"So long as it hasn't any gnomes," Vernon agreed.

"As long as it hasn't any magic," Petunia murmured.

Dudley glanced at the tap, then shrugged. Redwall was probably a perfectly normal place. If you were a talking rodent, anyway.

\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

"Molly, you're going to open your eyes in a moment. Before you do, I want you to repeat after me. This is not my day."

"This is not my day," Molly Weasley muttered, her eyes fluttering open.

"This is Penelope and Fleur's day."

"This is Penelope and Fleur's day," Molly said, sitting up and taking a cup of tea from her husband, who was sitting next to their bed. She didn't notice the bottle of calming draught he tucked away in a drawer.

"I will not be That Mother In Law," Arthur recited

"I will not be That Mother In Law," Molly said meekly, blushing and looking down. Her own mother in law had been a terror, at least until she'd died. Molly had never really forgiven herself for the resentment she held for Ginerva Anne Weasley, and had taken consolation that they'd named their daughter after her as a sort of post mortem peace offering.

"Something is going to go wrong, but that's alright, as the day will be lovely anyway."

"But-" Molly began, but at a stern look from her husband, she downed the rest of her tea and grudgingly said, "Something is going to go wrong, but that's fine and the day will be lovely anyway."

"And I'm going to have a good time," Arthur finished, standing and handing Molly a plate of toast.

"And I'm going to have a good time," Molly agreed, somewhat reluctantly. "But Arthur, what if-"

"We'll worry about that when it happens, dear," Arthur declared, kissing her on the cheek. "You've waited a long time to have a wedding to plan. Don't ruin it by worrying all day, alright?"

"Mmph," Molly said, chewing on the toast.

"That's the spirit! Now, I'll just head down to help Harry and Luna make breakfast and-"

"MMPH!" Molly said, violently shaking her head. She swallowed. "Arthur, I love you dearly, but I'm fairly certain you could burn a salad."

Arthur looked slightly wounded. "That was just because I wasn't certain how that mikey wave worked. I just know that I'd do just fine if I only tried again."

"How about you reduce my stress level just by sitting and having a bit of toast with me and let Harry and Luna handle it. Luna may be a bit absent minded, but if she had Harry riding herd on her she should manage."

Arthur reluctantly agreed, and the couple enjoyed a quiet moment while they ate, before Molly got dressed and they headed down. Before they left though, Molly leaned up against Arthur, holding on to him as if the floor had been taken out from under her. "One of my babies, Artie. One of my babies is all grown up, and getting married! Percy was just a tot the other day... And Charlie! God knows I wondered if that boy would ever figure out what a woman was if she hadn't scales and claws, but Fleur is such a dear even if…."

"Even if she's so alike you in almost every way that you two drive each other up the wall?" Arthur asked.

Molly glared at him for a moment, before sighing and nodding. "I guess that was the problem your mother and I had as well."

"Mum was always a bit much," Arthur agreed, kissing the top of his wife's head. "But then again, even she couldn't scare you down when you set your mind to something."

Molly blushed. "Do you ever regret…"

"I regret a lot of things, Mollywobbles. I regret the death of your brothers greatly. I regret my last words to my mother, even if she was being a bitch to you. I regret that I could never connect with my father after she was gone, and that he gave up and let himself die. I regret not taking that ride on the aero plane, even if it probably would have violated the statute. But I don't regret marrying you, or having a single one of our children, not even at the very inconvenient times we managed to do it. And I certainly don't regret not having a big fancy wedding, except that perhaps you would have liked to have one."

"You don't ever think that I sort of well, bullied you into things?" Molly asked, her voice trembling and her eyes filling with tears. "I did sort of push things."

Arthur started laughing. He laughed so hard that he had to sit down on the bed and gasp for breath. At first, Molly was annoyed, then she started laughing too, sitting down next to her husband and giggling uncontrollably.

"Molly dear, I had a crush on you from third year. I was infatuated with you by sixth year. When you finally decided you liked me as well, I was ecstatic, you know that. You do remember how you looked right? You had the biggest tits in our year and the one head and behind, and your hair," Arthur leaned close and smelled at Molly's hair, sighing happily. "Like fire and cinnamon. It wasn't like you dragged me up to the astronomy tower without me knowing what was happening. Or into the broom closet, or out to that little hollow by the lake or-"

"Oh stop it," Molly said, slapping at her husband. "You're insatiable."

"Tonight, my love," Arthur said, then made a purring noise back in his throat. "Maybe the wedding isn't my favorite, but wedding nights, well, those, on the other hand."

Molly giggled, kissing her husband, then she stood, straightening her robes. "Well, we'd best be getting on with it. Before the kids start to suspect something."

"Just make sure to be very loud when you go to wake the girls," Arthur said, opening the door. "Especially Bill. We want Nareh plenty of time to get out of his window before you barge in."

Molly let out a squawk of outrage, but had to stifle more laugher when her husband waggled his eyebrows at her.

"Well, I suppose it would be somewhat hypocritical of me to be offended our children didn't wait for their wedding vows either," Molly admitted as she made her way out of the door.

"I wouldn't worry about Harry though," Arthur said as he closed the door behind them. "I'm fairly certain Luna has worked out down to the hour when they're going to get to petting."

"I thought men were supposed to be protective of their children's virtue," Molly muttered as they climbed up the stairs to wake the children.

"Only the girls, love. But I'm fairly certain Ginny is capable of defending her own honor. Do you remember what you did to Mundungus when he tried to pinch your bum in fifth year? She's even better with that fascinating hex you used on him. You never did tell me how to do it, you know…"

Nareh did manage to make it out of the window in time, though Molly was slightly disappointed that it was painfully obvious that Percy had spent the night alone. Charlie, on the other hand, had never really learned how to hide things from his mother, and Molly had to resist plucking a few of Fleur's hairs off his his shoulder when he innocently informed her he would be down for breakfast in a moment.

"Percy never did have much of a tolerance for breaking the rules," Molly lamented as she banged on Ron's door. "Ronald, get up, it's time for breakfast! You too Hermione, you'd best hurry the line for the shower will be beastly."

There was dead silence from the other side of the door, and Molly used her wand to mimic footsteps going down the hall before putting her ear to the door.

"How did she know?" a very panicked Ron said as the sheets rustled.

"I was so careful!" an equally distraught Hermione hissed. "Not even Luna knew that I had left, and Ginny said she would cover for me!"

"A mother always knows," Molly hummed to herself. She would grant her children clemency on this day. But so help her, if Hermione did manage to get pregnant before her fifth year she would come down on those two like thunder from on high.

Ron and Hermione came down a bit later, looking very sheepish. Arthur looked up from his paper at Ron, frowning slightly.

Ron swallowed. "Um, you know, Hermione's very good at spells, and well, we did have that class and all and-"

"Just be smart, Ronald," his father said, looking back down to his paper. "I'm sure I don't have to tell Hermione that."

"No sir," Hermione said swiftly. "And we didn't, um, you know, it wasn't-"

"I don't need, nor want, details," Arthur said, licking his thumb turning the page on his paper. "Just be responsible about it."

Percy, for his part, was aghast. "But you two aren't even married yet!"

"Neither are you," Ron grumbled as he sat down at the table.

"No, and Penelope and I have waited a long time for tonight. It will be very special," Percy sniffed.

"Despite my best efforts," Penelope grumbled.

Fleur gave her a sympathetic look, and patted Charlies arm. "This one, I have properly trained already. He is practically french."

Poor, oblivious Charlie, looked up from his plate of food, confused. "What is everyone talking about anyway?"

"Nothing dear," Fleur assured him. "Your family is very libertine for english. I shall like it here."

This, if anything, only furthered Charlie's confusion. "We have to live at the Burrow? But I thought-"

"Don't hurt yourself," Bill told him. "You do the academic thinking. Leave the social niceties to your soon to be bride."

"I got better marks than all of you," Charlie grumbled. "Except maybe Percy. So I'm not thick."

"No one thinks you are thick, mon cherie, just wonderfully focused," Fleur told him.

"Wow, even I figured out what they were talking about," Harry said, sitting down and taking off his apron. "You really didn't realize girls were nice until Fleur came along, did you?"

"Norberta's a girl," Charlie grumbled. "She thinks I'm smart."

"She has good taste," Luna told him, sitting down next to Harry. "Just like Fleur does."

"You are all disgusting, and I hate all of you," Ginny grumbled, glaring around the table as she heaped more food onto her plate.

Nareh grinned at Ginny. "I hear Victor shall be attending the wedding, Ginevra. Perhaps you can commiserate with him."

"Piss off," Ginny grunted. "I'm not dating Victor. He lives in bloody romania. I want a boyfriend who'll actually be around."

"Ginerva!" Molly gasped. "Language!"

"I'll be a perfect lady when the guests get here, mum," Ginny promised around a mouthful of bacon. "But everyone here is family. It's too late to fool them."

"From what's been in the papers, I'm afraid it's too late for that all around," Arthur said, sipping his mug of tea.

"What trash are they printing about me now?" Hermione groaned.

"I don't want to ruin the day for anyway," Arthur told her. "Just relax and enjoy yourself. A wedding is supposed to be fun."

All eyes turned to Molly, who was very pointedly cutting up her sliced ham while blushing furiously. "Yes," she declared, taking a bite of ham. "Fun."

Soon, the breakfast dishes were cleared away and everyone piled outside to help with wedding preparations.

Luna and Harry caught each chicken, and gave them all appropriate outfits. The rooster got a very dashing tophat with a three piece suit, and Luna even found silver spurs to attach to him. While most animals would have been mortified, Wooster the Rooster strutted about the barnyard, his chest puffed out as he showed of to every member of the family just how dashing he looked. The hens in their frilly pink and yellow dresses hid in the bushes, which the chicks dashed about in their lederhosen, peeping excitedly and showing everyone their brewfest hats.

Next, Harry stunned each of the goats, which were then dressed up with sunglasses, black fedoras, and black jackets. Bessie The cow got milk maids hat, but she flatly refused to allow Luna to pierce her ears for earrings.

"Fine, I'll just use a sticking charm then," Luna informed the dairy cow. "Look, it won't even hurt, and they'll fall off in a few hours."

After some consideration, Bessie mooed loudly and kicked the earrings out of Luna's hands, then stomped on them.

"I don't think she likes them," Harry told her.

Luna sighed heavily. "Some people have no taste. Butterbeer cap earrings are a fit for any occasion. It will just have to be the hat and bow then."

Bessie was not enthused about the bow either, but this time Luna put her to sleep before tying it on, so the cow didn't' have much of a say in the matter.

The dragons, for their part, were very enthusiastic about the gaudy purple hats, pink and green feather boas and bright glass and plastic jewelry that Luna and Harry enlarged and put on each of them.

"My God you two, you've made them look like pimps," Penelope remarked as Luna put on an enormous pair of plastic orange sunglasses on Gaston. The dragon lifted his head, bobbing his head excitedly and causing the painted gold chains with dollar signs around his neck to bounce around.

"I think it fits his personality," Luna informed her.

"I think it's hilarious," Harry said happily.

"What will the guests think, I wonder," Penelope mused. Then she grinned. "Still, it will be hilarious to see Mrs. Wea- I mean, mum's face when she sees this."

"You think we have time to put on the tattoos?" Luna asked, lifted up a poster sized temporary tattoo that read "Ginger Lyfe" in neon pink letters.

"Bloody hell, I'll be a bridezilla if it means you have enough time to put one of those on," Penelope declared. "I'm with Harry. That's funny. I'll make sure we get a shot of it for the front page of the Quibbler too, though I won't have time to write the expose for a few weeks."

"That's alright, I'm saving this for our fall fashion edition," Luna told her. "We're going to be the leaders of the draconic fashion industry, and with the new family connections I think we'll make a breakthrough in the field."

"I'll get the wigs," Harry said, running off.

"Out of curiousity, how does this qualify as helping with the wedding?" Penny asked Luna.

Luna shrugged. "Mum just told Harry to keep me out of the way and away from my duct tape. Apparently, she was not thrilled with my suggestion that all the bridesmaids should have duct tape dresses."

"You know what, you really are helping," Penelope said. "Just make sure you wear the dress that Fleur and I picked out for you. Without the tape."

Fortunately for Harry's hide and Luna's hearing, Molly didn't notice that the farm animals were strangely well dressed until after the first guests had arrived.

"Harry, I thought I told you to keep her out of trouble," Molly said through gritted teeth, sidling up to Harry as he admired his handiwork from the back of the meadow where the wedding would be held.

"You did," Harry agreed. "And I did, mostly. I managed to talk her out of the goldfish shoes and the purple dinner jackets."

"Goldfish…" Molly shook her head and sighed. "Oh well. At least the dragons seem to be enjoying themselves. Though what you've done to those poor goats I don't know. They look very peeved."

"They ate their hats and ties," Harry informed her. "They probably have indigestion."

/\\\/\\\/\\\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\\\/\/\

"Now, my minions, is the time to strike!" Voldemort declared, pacing back and forth in the foyer of the Riddle mansion. "The Weasleys are planning on having a little celebration today. Well, what sort of a celebration would it be without-"

Voldemort paused her rant, frowning and looking about.

"Without what?" Rastaban asked, looking confused.

"Tell me, has the color scheme always been this wretched?" Voldemort demanded, gesturing at the faded old paint and hangings. "And the lighting, ugh. Hardly has an evil lair vibe to it at all! Disgraceful."

"I know what you mean," Bellatrix said, nodding sympathetically. "I've always thought it could really use more emerald and silver. And with a bit of a darkened lighting. Perfect for brooding and evil rants."

"We could pick something up after our raid," Tonks offered. "They've got some wonderful Slytherin draperies at Madam Malkin's."

"No! I will not use another's banner!" Voldemort declared. "I do like the idea of green though. But not the silver. I think a black accent would be better. With some slightly yellow lighting."

"What does that have to do with raiding the Weasley wedding?" Rastaban asked, still confused.

"IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH IT!" Voldemort shrieked, poking Rastaban in the chest with a long, pointed nail and causing him to flinch. "That's why I had to spend all morning picking out the right outfit! One can't go on a raid looking like a mudblood, you have to have an outfit that will both strike fear into the heart of your foes, AND flatter your figure!"

"Makes the thought of dying in battle bloody appealing," Sirius grumbled under his breath, only for Remus to elbow him and glare.

"Shut up. The longer she spends on draperies and outfits, the less time we have to spend on damage control from one of her little terror raids," Lupin hissed.

"You didn't have her spending all morning dressing you up like a clothes horse!" Sirius growled, glaring at his friend.

"No, that's Tonks job. And I helped her pick out my outfit, thank you very much. Besides, you look nice in that leather jacket. And those leather chaps."

"You make one comment about how my butt looks and I'll kill you, Mooney."

"Oh, don't worry Padfoot. I'm sure Voldiepoo will make plenty."

"Time enough for redecorating later!" Voldemort declared. "We will stop by Knockturn Alley on our way back, and pick up a few things."

"What about lunch?" Quirrell asked, holding up a picnic basket. "We don't want to get hungry on the raid."

"WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR LUNCH!" Voldemort raved. "This is a serious battle!"

"What about tea?" Quirrell prompted.

Voldemort opened her mouth to shriek, then paused, tapping at her lip thoughtfully with one finger. "Well, perhaps we have time for tea. THEN WE DESTROY THE WEASLEYS!"

Quirrell happily conjured chairs for everyone, putting on a chefs hat and passing out tea cups, which he then filled with piping hot tea from a kettle he pulled out of his picnic basket.

"Say, do you have any of those spinach rolls, Quirinius?" Rodolphus asked. "They were very good the last time you made them."

"Of course!" Quirrell said happily, digging in the basket and pulling out a tupperware container, which he cracked open to reveal a number of spinach rolls. He began passing them out, but when Voldemort received hers, she eyed the container angrily.

"Minion, where did you get that container?" Voldemort demanded.

"Oh, erm, nowhere," Quirrell said, hiding the container behind his back.

"Oh really? Because I distinctly remember a muggle woman coming around selling such containers, and my specifically ordering you not to get any, and to kill her and hide the body somewhere," Voldemort hissed, standing up as Quirrell flinched and crouched down until the Dark Lady towered over him.

"Oh, well, I think I may remember something like that," Quirrell admitted. "But, you know, it does such a wonderful job of keeping things fresh, and they're stackable and very handy and you can wash and reuse them and-"

"THAT'S WHAT CHARMS ARE FOR!" Voldemort screamed, banging Quirrell on the head with a fist until fell over. "You are a wizard, not a muggle house wife! ACT LIKE IT!"

"You know, these really are fresh," Sirius said, waving a half eaten spinach roll. "And I'm pretty sure he made them last night."

"Did you?" Voldemort demanded, glaring down at Quirrell.

"Um, yes?" Quirrell said, holding the container up in a shaking hand.

Voldemort grabbed one and bit into it. After chewing for a moment, she grunted and sat back down. "Fine, the tupperware stays, this is delicious. But you're still going to have to track that women down and kill her."

Quirrell blushed, looking away as he stood up and shifting from foot to foot.

"Quirrell…." Voldemort growled, glaring at her minion.

"Well, it's just, Martha was such a lovely lady, and she and I were talking and she was telling me if you have a tupperware party you can invite all your friends over, and you can get these points that you can spend on anything you want, and I really want to get the 20 piece deluxe set! They have a container that would be just perfect for putting that hasty pudding you love in for long raids, and even this wonderful bag that keeps things hot or cold, almost like magic!"

"THERE WILL BE NO TUPPERWARE PARTIES!" Voldemort vowed, standing and knocking her chair over. She then downed the rest of her tea, daintily patted her lips with a napkin, and then tossed the cup over her shoulder. "NOW WE BEGIN MY REIGN OF TERROR ANEW! BWAHAAHAHHAHAHA! SIRIUS!"

Sirius started, spilling a bit of his tea on his leather jacket. "Um, yes, my lady?"

"Don't call me that," Voldemort snapped. "It's still my lord. Have you the portkey?"

"Yes?" Sirius asked, drawing out a large stone circle.

"Excellent! Today will end in fire and fury! The Weasleys will rue the day they crossed Lord Voldemort! Wait. Did you just spill tea on your jacket?!"

"Maybe?" Sirius whimpered, cringing slightly.

Voldemort sighed heavily. "Fool! That is dry clean only! Take it off, we'll have to get rid of that before it stains. THEN WE DESTROY THE WEASLEYS!"

\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

CLIFF HANGER, HANGING FROM A CLIFFFFFFF

AND THAT'S WHY HE'S CALLED CLIFF HANGER!

CANT! HOLD ON! MUCH! LONGER!


	38. Chp 38: And the Adventure Continues

_Chapter 38: And the Adventure Continues_

Fleur took a deep breath, looking at herself in the mirror. She was dressed in a robins egg blue sundress, with her blonde hair in a plaited braid down her back. She had forgone the traditional wedding dress for a number of reasons. For one thing, she was not getting married, she was already married. This was simply a public affirmation of her vows. For another, neither she nor Charlie nor his family were wealthy enough to spend money on such things. In fact, her new mother in law had helped sew Fleur's dress herself, and Gabrielle had done Fleur's hair. She smiled to herself in the mirror, trying to calm her rapidly beating heart. There was no need to panic. Even if her parents were here.

"Stop it, you're making me jealous," Penny said, peering in the mirror and smoothing down imaginary wrinkles in her own mother of pearl colored gown. Penny reached up, trying to gather a few stray hairs back into her french bun. "Oh, this is hopeless. At least I managed to get my hair back to blonde, if only just for today."

"You look radiant," Fleur reassured the other girl, placing her hand on Penny's shoulder. "You will be the envy of every women today, myself included."

Blushing, Penny looked down. "There's only one person I really want to be looking at me today."

"And he will," Fleur said, smiling and tucking a few hairs back into Penny's bun. "Thank you, again. You didn't have to share."

Penny giggled nervously. "Well, frankly, I'm sort of glad. Ever since I came into the wizarding world, I've felt like I was a bit adrift. Everything was so strange and new! But well, having a sister to help me along won't be such a bad thing. Especially since apparently we're both getting a horde of brothers."

"What am I, sliced ham?" Ginny said, peeking her head in. "Mum says you've got two minutes, so chop chop."

Outside, Ms. Weasley was quietly having a panic attack as she sat with her husband. The paper streamers and banners they'd made had ripped slightly in the wind, and some of them had even blown away. They had run out of the matching transfigured chairs Bill and the twins had made the day before, and had to use an assortment of mismatched garden furniture because Molly had added up the number of guests wrong. Xenophilius had shown up in a pink robe with slatted sunglasses and pimp cane with a weird symbol on it and a purple wizard hat with a leopard skin band around it. And earlier, Harry's aunt had begun screaming about how magic was unnatural until a house elf had popped up and given her some sort of muggle calming draught. And she was certain that the twins were going to do something awful.

"It looks great, Molly," Arthur whispered, kissing her on the cheek. "It's nearly perfect. And your sons all look so handsome."

Molly tore her eyes off of Xenophilius ridiculous outfit, and heart heart skipped a beat as she gazed at all seven of her sons. They were all dressed in deep maroon robes made of the finest velvet (purchased by Harry at a level of expense that Molly did not want to think of. They all stood under the apple trees, the pink and white blossoms of the trees filling the air with sweet perfume. Behind them was a platform that seemed to have been grown from an apple tree itself, white wood growing up out of the ground and forming itself into a wide circular platform, then branches twining and extending up into a tall backing, from which more flowers sprouted.

"Oh Arthur," Molly gasped, hiccuping and trying to hold back sobs.

"You've done a great job, Mollywobbles," Arthur whispered, squeezing her shoulders.

"We. We've done a great job, my Knight," Molly said, resting her head on Arthur's shoulder. "My babies are growing up."

Albus Dumbledore appeared in navy blue robe with yellow stars, suns, moons, and planets swirling about it like the night sky. He walked up to the platform, his eyes twinkling as he took his place as the officiator. Just then, the crowd stirred, and Molly turned around to see what was happening.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

With a loud pop, Voldemort and her Death Eaters appeared, drawing wands and fanning out in a combat formation. Voldemort strutted about in her black dress, the black feathers of her headpiece bobbing in the wind.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness a great tragedy, as I, Lord Voldemort, slaughter you and your pathetic guests and-" Voldemort stopped, her head whipping around. "QUIRINUS!"

"Yes master?" Quirrell said, standing up from his kneeling position and taking off his mask.

"Quirinus, you did make the portkey, didn't you?" Voldemort growled.

"Yes mistress, I made the portkey to take us directly to the home of the Weasleys!"

Voldemort swept her arms wide, gesturing to the empty pastures. "THEN WHERE IS THIS BURROW YOU BLIBBERING IDIOT?!"

"Um," Quirrell said, scratching at his bald scalp. "Er, Rastaban, did you bring the map and compass?"

"Got them right here," Rastaban reached into his robes with one hand, pulling out a map and compass while keeping his wand leveled at the cow who was dressed in a bonnet with a bow tied around her neck as she chewed her cud.

"Give me that!" Voldemort snapped. She grabbed the compass, and stared at it, then the map. "What is this needle pointing at? It keeps drifting!"

"It's pointing at Hermione Weasley," Bellatrix said helpfully. "I made it myself mistress, it should be pointing right at your nemesis."

"Bah, it's useless!" Voldemort tossed the compass aside, and Rastaban had to leap to catch it. He managed to grab it, but stepped in something squishy. He groaned and looked down. He'd stepped in a cow pat.

Voldemort gazed at the map. "We're here," she said, pointing at several stick figures in an open field labeled "Team Death Eater."

Sirius and Remus took their masks off and hurried over, looking over their mistress' shoulder. "Yep, that's us," Remus agreed.

"And the Weasleys are…there." Voldemort tapped her finger on red stick figures labeled THE ENEMY. She glanced up, to where the indicated figures should be standing. "BUT THERE IS NOTHING THERE!"

"Maybe they're behind those trees?" Bellatrix offered.

"Sigh, fine. Come, minions. To the trees!"

Everyone scampered over to the trees, with Rastaban trailing at the rear as he tried to kick the dung off his boots. The Death Eaters peered out of the tree line towards another empty meadow.

"What are we looking for?" Quirrell whispered.

"The Weasleys, you idiot!" Voldemort snapped. She glanced back down at the map. "Bah! We've gone too far. Go back!"

Once more, the group scrambled back to the field, peering around. Rastaban tried to balance on one leg as he cleaned his boot with his wand. He tripped, falling flat on his bottom in something wet. He groaned and stood, glancing down at the smashed goat droppings. He glared over at a trio of goats, who were dressed in the ragged remains of suits. "Damn animals."

The rest of the Death Eaters clustered around Voldemort. "There is nothing here!" Voldemort ranted. "I don't see anything!"

"Huh. Weird," Quirrell said. "You'd think we'd be able to see them."

"Curses!" Tonks said, slapping her hand on her head. "It must be the Fidelius charm."

"WHAT?!" Voldemort screeched. "Why am I just hearing about this now!? Quirrell, why didn't you discover this place was under the Fidelius when you scouted this location?"

"Um, well, you see, I actually just used the information in the public registry," Quirrell said, tapping his fingers together. "I never actually came here."

"Useless, all of you!" Voldemort ranted. "I should kill you, Quirrell, for your enormous incompetence!"

"It's alright, my lady," Bellatrix said, rubbing Voldemort's shoulders. "Why don't we head to Knockturn Alley and pick up those drapes and lighting? Redecorating our evil lair will make you feel much better."

"ARRRRGHGHHH!" Voldemort screamed. She raised her wand and blasted away at the cow. However, as Voldemort had not been practicing her magic in her new body, she only managed to conjure a shower of daisies.

"I hate this day and everything about it," Voldemort growled.

Bellatrix elbowed Sirius, who grunted and stepped forward. "Um, sweetheart, why don't we go to Knockturn Alley? The minions can get the redecorating supplies and I can, um…"

"Take you on a date at the lovely new restaurant," Rudolphus hissed in Sirius' ear.

"Take you on a date at some new restaurant?" Sirius asked, growing very pale.

Voldemort let out a heavy sigh, her shoulders slumping. "Fine. But you're paying."

"Yes mistress," Sirius agreed, coming up to stand contritely by Voldemort.

Voldemort glared at him, but then glanced down at Sirius' well defined rear in his leather chaps. She grinned, and pinched Sirius' bum, which made him yelp.

"Well wreak vengeance another day! To Knockturn Alley!"

The Death Eaters began to disappearate, until only Tonks and Remus remained.

"Crisis averted," Lupin said, letting out a heavy sigh.

"For now," Tonks agreed, resting her hand on her belly, which had just begun to swell ever so slightly. "You know, they've also a jewelry shop in Knockturn Alley."

Remus frowned, then his eyebrows went up. "Oh. I suppose we could have a wedding today, if you really want to."

"Not my choice of guests or venue," Tonks said, taking Remus' arm in both of hers. "But if you don't get a move on Rudy and Rusty really will murder you."

Lupin swallowed. "I'll make sure to get a ring."

Then with a pop, they both vanished, leaving behind a very well dressed and peeved cow. Why couldn't Gertrude just have one uneventful day?

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\\/\/\/\\\/\/\\\/\/\/\/\/\

"Mawage," Dumbledore said. "Mawage is wot bwings us togeder, tooday."

Penny, started giggling hysterically, nearly dropping her bouquet to Percy's bemusement. Dumbledore grinned and winked at her, while the rest of the wizards looked rather confused.

Clearing his throat, Dumbledore began again. "It is my great pleasure to welcome you all today to celebrate the unions of four wonderful young people. As we all know, the world is one best shared with those we love best. For many, that takes the path of marriage. Together, these young lovers will journey through life, facing both trials and tribulations as well as rest and relaxation. They will split off from their families, and in turn form their own families. Perhaps in time they shall have children of their own, who they will in turn bid fond farewell to one day."

"This is a magic deeper and more powerful than any I have ever taught; a transformation more powerful than transfiguration, a love potion more lasting than any brew, a charm more binding than any a wand could work."

"However, much like magic, marriage is something that requires hard work, constant care, and more than a little sweat and tears. There will be times where you will regret being married. There will be days where you can hardly stand to look at your spouse, and there will be seasons where you feel as though the flame is dying."

"However, if you persist, if you water your marriage with love and prune it with self sacrifice, it will bloom into something more beautiful than even the most magnificent garden. Love is more than a fleeting feeling, it is a commitment to wake up each day, and put not yourself or even your children, but your spouse first. To be willing to die to yourself, and to live for them. To be submit and serve instead of dominate and direct. This is a great and wonderful work, but it is not for everyone; not even a wizard as great and powerful as myself. I was never able to sacrifice my career and my future for the desires of another. That, perhaps, has now become my greatest regret, that in these my twilight years I have no one who shared my triumphs and sorrows."

"Look now to the one whose hand you hold. Think to yourself: is this the person I am willing to die for? Not, perhaps, literally, but to put to death your career, your free time, your health, and your wealth, to make something new with this person. For a moment, reflect in silence upon this."

Dumbledore waited, while the two couples gazed into each other's eyes, feelings of both doubt and confidence swirling within them.

"Do you still wish to proceed?" Dumbledore asked gently.

Penny nodded, sniffing as a tear leaked out of her eye. Percy was trembling, but he nodded as well, squeezing Penny's hand and standing firm.

"I have already made my choice, and anyone who would speak now against it can leave," Fleur growled, pointedly not looking at her mother, who was sitting on the edge of her seat ready to stand and protest.

Dumbledore smiled and nodded. "It is not for others to protest your union; only for you and your souls and spirits to decide. Have you the rings?"

Harry and Ron stepped forward, bearing rings upon velvet cushions. Percy and Charlie took them, proffering them to their respective brides.

"A ring is a circle; without beginning or end. It symbolizes the lasting nature of this bond. It has no corners or edges, for in marriage there is no place of prominence for the self. The rings go upon each finger, showing that no longer are you two people, but one individual who will face life's challenges as a single unit. For the final time, will you commit to this?"

"Yes," all four said.

Dumbledore raised his wand. "Then by my magic and yours, I form this bond. Let no mortal hand attempt to break it asunder. I now pronounce you one, in spirit and in soul."

There were cheers and clapping, as the two couples embraced and kissed. They both glowed as the marriage bond was sealed, binding them both in marriage. Dumbledore shook hands and kissed them on the cheek, then hurried over to the dessert table to be first in line.

Everyone congratulated the happy couples, including a very upset Madam Delacour. "I hope you're happy," she told her daughter. "You could have had any man you wanted. You could have had riches and wealth, a powerful position in society. What does this man have?"

"I have a dragon," Charlie said helpfully, too blissful to notice he was being snubbed. "She's the one with the orange afro and the purple sunglasses."

"He has my heart," Fleur said, turning away from her mother. "And that is something richer than any cavern of goblin gold."

Soon, a tune was struck up, a fast paced dance that had everyone swirling about the grounds laughing and stomping to the beat.

"This is a good day," Harry said, holding onto Luna as the whirled about. "Maybe a big wedding wouldn't be so bad. I might even agree to marry you."

"Well, I've got plenty of time to convince you," Luna told him. "Plus, with this infusion of our nargles I don't think you'd be able to say no."

"Still, it does feel like the end of our family," Harry said sadly as the dance ended. "Percy and Charlie won't be around nearly so much, and I won't see Penny or Fleur since they'll be so busy with being married."

"Oh Harry, this isn't really an end, it's just the beginning really," Luna told him. "But all things must come to an end, even the Weasley family."

"Yes," Harry agreed as the next dance started. "But I suppose it was fun while it lasted."

 _ **The End**_

 _Authors Note:_

 _Thanks for reading Like a Red Headed Stepchild. At first, this was going to just be a simple one shot, but it grew into something so much more. While I think I could continue a story like this forever, even the silliness must end at some point, and this feels like a good place to do so. Harry and the others will still have adventures, and at some point they might even drive Umbridge insane._

 _However, I have quite a few other projects to work on, from the sequel to Harry Potter and the Iron Lady to my new self insert story, Why Time Travel is Wrong and Other Morals. Perhaps I'll return to this AU someday, and see where things take me._

 _I'd like to thank all my readers that gave this story over 300k views and nearly 1400 reviews. You've made writing this a joy._

 _Special thanks to:_

 _Arnie101: For all your funny insights into everything._

 _InquisitorCOC, for championing me on reddit and thoughtful discussion._

 _Altiria-Aty_ _: Elune light your path._

 _Dracarot_ _: For getting rid of all those filthy blues._

 _LaniAhava_ _: for thoughtful reviews that helped me improve._

 _Krysania_ _: For leaving reviews that made me smile._

 _xxxLeanniexxx_ _: For always looking forward to the next chapter._

 _Gime'SS_ _: For appreciating every update._

 _Starfox5_ _: For writing some of my favorite stories, and even reading some of my own._

 _And Gilderoy Lockhart for- Wait, what are you doing here?_

 _A-ha! You silly author, this isn't the end of the story!_

 _No, I'm pretty sure it is, I was doing thank yous and everything, I really have some other fics to work on and-_

 _Pah, never fear, you'll get to those someday! But my good fellow, you've left so many plot threads dangling! Why, you never even resolved my own story arch, or updated my own story again!_

 _Yeah, see, I've been working on that, there's a couple chapters in the pipeline but-_

 _And really, you haven't told the best part of this story yet!_

 _What best part? I thought the best part was when you killed Supreme Danger Noodle._

 _Why, the part where I train my protegee, of course._

 _I thought you left in humiliation. I specifically remember getting rid of you so this wouldn't be a problem._

 _No one gets ride of Gilderoy Lockhart, Monster Hunter Extraordinaire, that easily, my friend. This story isn't over until I say it is!_

 _Now you listen here. I'm the author, you're the character. This story is over because I say it is. Wait, where are you going? NO! No, stop right there, don't you dare I didn't-_

Just as the music was slowing down for sultry number, there was a flash and a bang. Everyone looked up to see a magic carpet come streaking down out of the sky.

"Ah ha!" a loud voice cried, and a man in a black cloak with a crimson liner leapt from the carpet, landing amongst the guests as a bored looking man in an eyepatch and an old oilskin coat brought the carpet to a rest nearby. "What a lovely ceremony! I apologize for my tardiness, but I had pressing matters to attend to."

"Gilderoy Lockhart?" Hermione said, coming over with Ron. "What are you doing here? The last we saw of you I thought you were going into hiding or something."

"Perish the thought! Gilderoy Lockhart may be beaten, but he is never defeated!" Lockhart proclaimed, striking a pose. Then he grinned and stepped over to Penny and Percy. He pumped Percy's hand, then kissed the blushing Penny on the cheek. "Congratulations! You make a lovely couple. Just make sure to keep in touch, I'll want you chronicling our latest adventures young Penelope!"

Then Lockhart lept over to Fleur, who slapped him on the cheek. "I do not think so. I have heard from Nareh what sort of man you are."

Lockhart swept off his hat and bowed to Fleur, then winked at Charlie. "Got another dragon to wrangle, eh? Let me know if she breaths fire, this one's a handful!"

Before Fleur could hex Lockhart, the man leapt onto a table. "My friends and fellow Britons, I come with terrible news!"

"You lost your publishing deal?" Bill guessed.

Lockhart sighed and nodded. "Yes, indeed, I Gilderoy Lockhart, was exposed for the fraud that I was. Alas! For many years, I did not earn my own fame, but stole it from others. But no more!"

"Wait, so you really were a fraud?" Ms. Weasley gasped. She sat down, looking pale. "But, but your books-"

"All lies, I'm afraid," Lockhart said mournfully. "Well, except the last few. Those did, in fact, mostly happen. For you see, it all started when-"

"Get on with it," Constance growled from the Carpet. "That damn thing in South America isn't going to sort itself out."

"Ah, yes, quite," Lockhart agreed. He grabbed ahold of Hermione and began to drag her towards the carpet. "Never fear my dear, under my tutelage, you shall become an expert at defeating dark lords. Why, after you settle a few rampaging dinosaurs, I'm certain that a little thing like Voldemort will practically take care of itself."

"What? What are you talking about?" Hermione squawked. "Let go of me, you can't-" she paused, eyeing Lockhart suspiciously. "Did you say dinosaurs?"

"Indeed, the muggles have once more breached the Lost World! After we got rid of that Professor Challenger chap we all breathed a sigh of relief, but once more the prehistoric preserve of the amazon is in danger! Why, the muggles will either get themselves, or those magnificent creatures all killed! That is why the two of us, Gilderoy Lockhart and Hermione Weasley are required to-"

"Granger!" Hermione protested, but hardly anyone heard her as Lockhart rolled right along-

"-prevent a great tragedy and save two worlds. And of course, we'll need your dragon as well."

"Let me get this straight. You want to take me to South America, where there is some sort of dinosaur zoo, and save a bunch of muggles?" Hermione demanded.

Lockhart nodded. "Of course! Why else would I be here?"

"For the wedding?" Hermione offered.

Lockhart shrugged. "I did congratulate the happy couples. Now, we must be off!"

"Just one moment!" Ron declared, drawing his wand and stepping forward. "You're not kidnapping Hermione! She doesn't even want to go with you! We've got loads of studying to do as this is our OWL year and-"

"Ron!" Hermione interrupted. "Dinosaurs! Real dinosaurs! Do you have any idea what sort of scientific insights we could uncover? Were they really feathered? Warm blooded? What about their levels of intelligence, or ooo, how they cared for their young? Oh, I could write so many research papers!"

Ron lowered his wand, looking confused. "You...you want to go? Instead of studying?"

"Yes," Hermione said, nodding enthusiastically. "Let's go!"

"Right then, off we go!" Lockhart declared, leading Hermione over to the carpet.

Ron dejectedly lowered his wand, looking a bit like an abandoned puppy. Hermonie walked to the edge of the carpet and stopped. She turned, looking confused. "Well?"

"Well what?" Ron asked, looking down and kicking at the grass.

"I said let's go! What are you waiting for?" Hermione demanded.

Ron immediately perked up, racing over and climbing onto the carpet. "You mean it? I can come to?"

"Hmmm," Lockhart looked Ron over, then nodded. "I suppose a daring adventuring in training like Hermione must have a sidekick, much like good Constance is for me."

"I'm not your sidekick, I'm your partner," Constance growled.

"Companion then. A Watson to my Sherlock!" Lockhart declared. "Now, we must away, our ship leaves with the tide!"

And with that, the carpet rose up into the air, racing away. Ramoth roared, leaping into the air and following close behind.

Mr. and Mrs. Granger blinked, looking over to Arthur and Molly.

"What just happened?" Mr. Granger asked.

"I don't know," Mr. Weasley admitted. "But I think it was probably for the best."

 _Authors Note:_

 _Goddamit, not again. Sigh. Here we go again, I guess._


	39. This is Not The Epilogue

_Chapter 39: This is Just a Tribute_

All was peaceful at the Burrow. The animals were eating quietly in the pasture. The dragons had all left, either for Wales or South America, even Cedric's pair of Welsh Greens, the young man having taken up dragon taming in Romania. The house was quiet, with the dishes from breakfast already finished. Harry was cooking quietly in the kitchen alone for lunch. The day was warm and bright, with soft fluffy clouds passing by lazily in the sky.

All was quiet at the Burrow. At it was driving Molly Weasley utterly and completely mad. She stalked on silent toes, peering in on Ginny. She was hard at work on her homework, as there was only a few days left until the Holiday's ended. She shook her head, doing a quick charm to make sure it was really her daughter and not a charmed mannequin or an illusion. Definitely Ginny.

Once more Molly prowled forward, finding Fred and George out in the yard. They appeared to be actually doing their assigned chores, quietly and efficiently. The new fence was coming along nicely, and the twins were painting it with their wands. They chatted softly, but were neither splashing the paint everywhere nor making crude graffiti or suggestively shaped fence posts. Molly frowned and crept away, nibbling on her fingernails.

"Those boys are up to something. I know it," she muttered.

She hurried back inside, finding Harry in the kitchen as he put the finishing touches on a platter of sandwiches and a summer fruit salad, along with chilled butterbeer

"Harry, where is Luna?" Molly asked nervously. Normally Luna wasn't the one to start trouble, but if she was off having one of her flights of fancy again, who knew what she might get up to.

"She'll be over soon for lunch, mum," Harry said. He frowned as he set the platter of sandwiches on the table. "Mum, you look awful. Are you feeling well? Want me to make you a quick cuppa?"

Molly hesitated, then nodded. "Yes, please. I just...something doesn't feel right."

"I know," Harry said sadly. "It's been nearly two months, and not a sign of Ron or Hermione. School starts in just a week, and we've not had any letters since that first one when they got to Rio."

"Oh. Yes." Molly stuck her head out the window, looking up at the sky, fearful that Lockhart and a horde of dragons and dinosaurs (whatever those were) would descend from on high and burninate her fields and livestock. However, the dragons firmly refused to appear, as Lockhart wasn't narrating this portion of the story, and such dramatic timing only happens when his particular genre is on display. Instead, it was much funnier for poor Molly to be falling into conniptions because nothing had exploded all day.

The twins came in, quietly thanked Harry for the food, nodded to their mother, then took their food outside to sit by themselves in the shade of the trees. Ginny hurried down and grabbed a platter, saying thank you through a mouth full of sandwich as she hurried back up stairs. Luna came in and said hello, then sat with Harry as they chatted about the various draconic fashions being featured in that weeks edition of the Quibbler for School Fashion Week.

Molly's fingernails were down to the nubs, and her tea down to the dregs.

"Mum, are you sure you're alright?" Harry said, frowning at her as her food sat untouched on her plate.

"I'm fine, really love," Molly said absently as she twitched slightly.

"You don't look fine," Luna said, inspecting here. "Are you being infested with bubbling beebles?"

"I think I'll just have a lie down," Molly said faintly. "I'm not feeling well. Make sure the twins down burn the house down will I rest."

Harry frowned, standing to look out the window. "They're just painting the fence mum. They've been really quiet lately."

"I know," Molly groaned as she made her way up the stairs. "That's what scares me."

"You worry too much," Luna called after her. "Personally, I think they've just grown up."

Molly peeked out of her bedroom window, seeing the twins still hard at work, talking quietly as the finished up the fence. Shaking her head, she pulled out a bottle of brandy, took a long pull, then lay down and was soon asleep.

Once the snores could be heard, Harry pulled out a large fake ear from his pocket and spoke into it. "Baby Bear to Goldilocks One, come in Goldilocks One. Mama Bear's porridge is cold. Repeat, Mama's Bear's porridge is cold."

Out in the hard, the fake ear that George was wearing buzzed with Harry's voice. Putting a hand to the ear, George said quietly. "Copy that, Baby Bear. Gretel, confirm porridge is cold?"

"Oh bloody hell you two, if I'm going to help you you'd best call me by my own name," Ginny's very irritated voice declared through the fake ear."Honestly. Yes, mum's asleep. Now go on your little snogging session or whatever. I swear, everyone's getting some except me. Life just isn't fair."

"What's my code name?" Luna asked curiously over the line. "Can I be porridge too?"

"No, porridge means mum's sleeping," Fred said sternly. "You can be Sister Bear."

"Wouldn't that make her my sister?" Harry asked, concerned.

"See, this is why code names are stupid," Ginny declared.

"Oh to hell with it. The fence is done anyway. If she wakes up tell her we went for a walk to the village," Fred said, throwing his hands up. "Come on George."

Together, the twins raised their wands, vanishing in a crack. As it turned out, Molly had been right. Things had been too quiet.

The Carrow house was a cozy little cottage in the woods that had all the comforts of home: A convenient abandoned mine for disposing of bodies, dark trackless forests full of poisons and dangerous creatures, a torture chamber for entertaining guests, and a quaint little collection of blackmail material. Unfortunately for the morally liberated, the torture chamber was gathering cobwebs, and the blackmail material was becoming dangerously out of date, and hardly any poisons had been brewed in sometime. Flora and Hestia Carrow were far to busy feelling love sick, and Amethyst and Alecto were occupied with being dragon dung.

Despite having been left to their own devices all summer and being heartsick, Flora and Hestia had actually been rather busy the entire summer. After all, they'd been given instructions by Albus Dumbledore himself, and they would not soon forget them.

As such, noxious fumes emanated from the cottage, and there were shrieks of horror as flashes of fire could be seen from the windows. Fred and George appeared just as a window banged open, and a stream of smoke billowed out.

"Good lord," Fred said, coughing and covering his nose.

"Smells like Percy's old socks," George gagged, waving a hand in front of his face. There was a flash and a bang, and the smoke died away. Edging forward, the twins peered into the window.

"I'm telling you, it just caught on fire!" Hestia was saying as she used her wand to conjure up a gust of wind.

Flora shook her head as she used a potions waste disposal unite to scrape off what had been in the pan they'd been using. "If we followed the recipe it shouldn't have caught on fire!"

"Well it did and I did so I don't know what the problem is, I-"

"Hello my love!" George called, poking his nose into the window despite the fumes and waving.

"George!" Hestia gasped, canceling the spell to run outside. The two sets of twins embraced one another, making it somewhat confusing for anyone narrating to try to figure out who was who, but it was generally agreed that George favored Hestia and Fred was with Flora. The teens went inside, where Fred and George, experts and the rapid disposal of smelly evidence, helped clean up the kitchen.

"Just what were you trying to do in here?" George asked, gagging as he binned a blacked and charred bit of something.

"Cooking," Hestia said, frowning at the ashen remains of dinner. "But we don't seem to be doing a very good job of it."

"That was cooking?" Fred said, trying to peer through the smoke. "Looks more like when we tried to make homemade fireworks."

"Well we're pretty good at potions, but we've never actually had to cook for ourselves," Flora admitted. "Amy and Alec always did it for us, or the house elves at school."

"What? But they've been dead for weeks! What have you been eating?" George demanded.

Flora and Hestia looked guilty. "Take out, mostly."

Fred and George exchanged startled looks. "Well, maybe take out wouldn't be so bad," Fred said slowly, eyeing the remains of the nameless ingredients that had died in a utter waste of culinary potential.

"So why were you cooking anyway?" George asked as the couple sat outside of a muggle fast food restaurant, eating burgers and chips.

"Because we have to impress your mother!" Hestia said. "Dumbledore said she was very domestically talented and would look for that in her future daughters in law. What did he tell you two to work on?"

"Not being evil, mostly," George admitted.

"Also not giving our mother a heart attack," Fred added. "Or killing McGonagall, accidentally or otherwise."

"And not getting you pregnant," George finished. "Dumbledore said our mother would probably have our bits if we did that."

Flora and Hestia flushed, looking down. "We only did it the once, and we did use the charm," Flora said quietly.

"Yeah well we were only evil the once and look how that turned out," Fred muttered.

George nodded seriously. "We should have used protection."

"Protection from what?" Hestia asked, confused.

"Evil probably," Fred said, wiping a bit of ketchup from his chin. "Harry says the muggles know of a spell that can do that. Luna told us we had to find a bard, a thief, and a cleric for her to teach us because she 'wasn't going to have an unbalanced party' whatever that means."

"Mum will love you though, we promise," George told the girls. "Just don't try to cook around her. Maybe ask for lessons some time."

"But the Headmaster told us not to go near your mum just yet," Flora said.

"Yeah, not a good idea, she'd likely try to kill us and you," Fred agreed.

Just then, the fake ear buzzed.

"Porridge to Goldilocks, Porridge to Goldilocks, come in! The sleeper has awakened! The bed is too soft! You broke her chair! Whatever the code phrase is you'd best come home mum's up!" Luna's voice said.

"Oh bugger!" Fred said, standing bolt upright. George stood as well, then the girls, who looked anxious.

"We'll see you again soon, right?" Hestia demanded, reaching out and embracing George.

"Of course love," George promised. "It's only a week till school."

"I don't know if I can survive," Flora whimpered into Fred's shoulder.

"Just don't try to cook anything else," he said, patting her shoulder. "You're a lot more likely to make it that way."

/\\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Draco Malfoy had realized that life hated him for some reason. He wasn't sure why. It wasn't as though he were some filthy mudblood or a penniless simpleton like the Weasleys. Draco was a proper wizard, of good breeding. And yet, it was he who had been forced to bury a dragon turd in the family plot after his father had been killed by those wretched Weasleys. Not a single Weasley had been injured in that battle, damn the luck.

And the Dark Lord was gone, replaced by an utterly insane woman who claimed to be him but had all the power of Neville Longbottom on a bad day, which was to say she could cast a spell, but the odds of it doing anything useful were as low as Gregory Goyle's IQ.

"It's hard being an orphan," Draco said mournfully, looking into the mirror.

"I'm still alive, love," his mother said, coming up behind Draco and putting a hand on his shoulder.

"True," Draco said, still trying to look mournful and morose. "I suppose our massive wealth is also some comfort to us."

"I still can't believe your father managed to get himself killed," Narcissa Malfoy said, shaking her head. "And by those idiot blood traitors."

"I've been telling everyone for years: Those Weasley's are a menace," Draco said firmly.

"Just stay out of their way, love," Narcissa said. "It was bad enough burying once piece of dragon dung. I don't want to have to bury another."

"Don't worry, Hermione and her incestuous love are gone now, as are the other dragons," Draco said, wondering if he morose look was more attractive than the snivelling pout. "I just have four Weasley's to contend with. I can handle them."

"Just don't do anything stupid, like seeking revenge by fighting them," Narcisa scolded. "We're Malfoys. Have a minion do it for you, or better yet, seize all your opponents assets and leave them in financial ruin."

"Hard to do that, they're Weasleys. They don't have any finances to ruin anyway," Draco muttered.

He was tense on the train ride, but the Weasley's seemed to keep to themselves, thank Merlin. Even the carriage ride was quiet, and they got through the sorting problem with no difficulties. The Hat didn't even try to put anyone in the Weasley house. The Headmistress seemed downright relieved, and stepped aside as the Headmaster stood. He pursed his lips, looking out at the tables.

"What's he doing?" Draco muttered to Pansy Parkinson.

"How should I know? Maybe the old fool's finally gone senile," Pansy muttered.

"Ah, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, please stand and go to the edges of the room," Dumbledore said, taking out a silver pocket watch and eyeing it. "Quickly, quickly, we haven't much time."

Draco stood awkwardly with the rest of his house, shuffling to the edge of the room as the students muttered amongst themselves.

"What's going on? Why do we have to move?" Draco said, looking around. Houseleves had appeared, and they quickly put the benches on the tables and hurried them off to the side, creating a wide space in the middle of the hall, which they then filled with a large number of pillows.

"Professor Dumbledore, what is this?" a frumpy looking woman in a pink robe at the professors table asked.

"Oh, my watch just says it's that time again," Dumbledore said. He glanced up and sighed. "Oh bother, I suppose I should have had that window taken out."

"That time again?" the pink robed witched asked, confused.

Dumbledore held up the silver watch. Draco squinted, and saw that instead of numbers, it had words. Currently, the hour hand was pointing to "dramatic", and the minute hand was pointing to "entry."

"Gilderoy sent it to me," the headmaster explained. "Sorry for the interruption, we shall being in five minutes, after the mess is cleaned up."

"What mess?" Draco muttered, looking around.

Just then, there was a bang and a crash, and Draco shrieked like a little girl as shards of glass rained down. Two figures barreled through the window, landing on the heap of pillows.

"I'm here!" a muffled voice shouted. One of the figure staggered up, raising a hand high. "Sorry, sorry I'm late, but I'm here! Oh, please tell me you didn't take roll yet!"

"Oh no," Draco whispered, feeling his blood run cold.

"I assure you, Miss Granger, we have not yet taken roll," Dumbledore said gravely.

Hermione, dressed in a fur bikini and with her hair cut short, panted as she dragged Ron to his feet. The Weasley was dressed in a loincloth, and had long hair that hung down to his shoulders. He was leaning on a wooden spear that was tipped with obsidian. Both had skin that was bronzed from long exposure to the sun, and lean bodies with wiry muscle.

"Sorry about the mess, sir," Ron managed. "We um, had a bit of trouble on the flight over."

There was a loud squawk, and Draco screamed once more, diving for the floor as a dark shape flew through the window. "Dragon!"

"Oh hush, Pretzel isn't a dragon at all," Hermione scoffed. "She's a quetzalcoatlus, a member of the pterosaurs. Not a dragon at all. See? She only has the four limbs."

"Bloody hell Hermione, you found ANOTHER dragon?" Fred called.

"She's not a dragon you dolt," George said, elbowing Fred. "She's a dinosaur."

"No, no, pterosaurs are not dinosaurs," Luna corrected, standing on her bench to peer at the flying lizard thing, which had landed and was squawking loudly as it hovered over Ron and Hermione. "Rather, dinosaurs are terrestrial creatures whereas pterosaurs are largely flying lizards."

"Get up you idiot," Pansy hissed, kicking at Draco. "It's not a dragon."

"Well it's still bloody terrifying because Hermione rode in on it, and it has a beak as big as Hagrid," Draco said from the floor.

Pansy considered this, and dropped down beside Draco. "Good point."

"Sorry about all this," Hermione said. "We were in a terrible hurry, and after having to fight off the vampires, well, we were a bit disorientated."

"I trust you did not bring any vampires with you, Miss Granger?" Dumbledore inquired.

Hermione blushed. "Um, Mrs. Weasley now, actually. But please don't tell mum, she'll kill us."

"You just had to say it," Ron groaned. "I seriously doubt that wedding ceremony was legal under British law anyway."

"It sounds as though you had an fascinating and enriching holiday," Dumbledore said, beaming. He clapped his hands. "The elves will see to Pretzel, and I believe the two of you should change before I am sadly forced to penalize you for being out of uniform."

Hermione nodded frantically, then blushed. "Um, our luggage was misplaced when a vampire mage blasted it into oblivion. I don't suppose I could borrow a spare one?"

"I believe the house elves can accommodate," Dumbledore said gently.

"Oh hell," Draco groaned. "It's going to be another one of those years."

"Honestly, it doesn't seem that different so far," Pansy muttered. "They're still the Weasley's."

"Truly, this is the red headed stepchild of wizarding schools," Draco lamented.

 _Authors Note:_

 _I'm back bitches!_


	40. Chp 40: Tally Ho!

_Chapter 40: Tally Ho!_

Despite the excitement of Hermione and Ron's return, all the Weasley's agreed that eating was far more important than anything else at that point, and saved their questions until after they were properly fed. Once McGonagall had climbed out of her bottle long enough to yell at the prefects to take them away, the Weasley's hurried up to Gryffindor tower and began grilling Ron and Hermione about what had happened over the summer.

"Well, it was very informative," Hermione said, pulling out a large leather journal. "I took a great many notes on the different varieties of extinct species. You already saw Pretzel, but I also have notes on feeding habits, mating rituals, coloration, diet, andacfgxuhlFEGW{"SIOP;/';

 _Ahem. Terribly sorry about that old bean. You see, mugglesftw simply has no taste when it comes to writing a proper adventure tale. No sense of drama you see. I'm content to let him handle these other bits, but I'm afraid the next part can only be handled by a true literary genius such as I, Gilderoy Lockhart, Monster Hunter Extraordinaire. Don't worry, I'm simply hit him with a stunner. He'll be out long enough for me to give this chapter proper treatment before he can go back to writing his drivel. Now, where were we? Ah yes: Me._

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The day was hot and humid, with the sun high in the sky with a few puff clouds out over the ocean. Most of the locals had sought out shade, though a few tourists in loud shirts were browsing stalls or heading out to the beaches. It was the dry season in Soure, Brazil, at the mouth of the Amazon river. This meant that instead of torrential downpours, a light rain was expected later in the evening which would hopefully dispel some of the humidity. Like the great river, life in Soure was typically slow moving and languid, and focused upon the sea.

Some distance from the sleepy town, a small airstrip was set up. Not for planes or helicopters, this strip services brooms, carpets, and the occasional airship. The caretakers were not expecting any real traffic at the moment, as though it was tourist season the next airship wasn't due to arrive until the next morning. Everyone was snoozing in the shade, too hot to move around much. A water buffalo grazed next to the dirt path, flicking its tail from side to side to ward off the buzzing insects. Suddenly, the beast raised its head, going still. Then it let out a bellow of terror and began to stampede towards the trees. The caretakers looked up, confused and concerned.

That was when a dragon plummeted from the sky, ripping the buffalo in half and spraying gore everywhere. The poor beast didn't even have time to know it was dead before it's liver was being eaten.

"Sorry!" Hermione Weasley called, looking concerned. "Was that someone's cow we just killed?"

Gilderoy Lockhart stretched and dismounted from his flying carpet, cracking his back after the long flight. They'd spent the last three days flying from England, stopping over in the Azores and Puerto Rico before flying the last leg of the journey to Brazil.

"Wouldn't worry about it my dear, those things are everywhere here," Lockhart said. "Now, my young apprentice, what can you tell us about where we are?"

"That it's too bloody hot," Ron Weasley, Hermione's side kick and lover grumbled as he slid off off the dragon's back. The beast was a magnificent Hungarian Horntail, but was too young to seat Lockhart and Constance, who had flown on the far more comfortable carpet instead.

"Damn right," Constance Vigil agreed, using the haft of his battle axe as a cane to haul himself to his foot. One leg was a peg, lost in some long ago battle. The old man glared around with his one remaining eye, the other socket covered by a patch. "Never did like South America. Breeding ground of Dark Wizards if you ask me."

A man ran up and started babbling at four adventurers in Portuguese.

"He looks upset," Hermione said, biting her lip which showed her rather prominent front teeth. Lockhart would never have called a lady buck toothed, but Hermione did a nice beaver impression. "Are you sure it wasn't his cow?"

"It was a water buffalo, not a cow. Hola señor. ¿Habla español?" Lockhart asked.

The man glared at Lockhart. "Eu falo Português não espanhol você idiota britânico."

Lockhart let out a heavy sigh. "I speak a dozen languages. English, Arabic, Spanish, Mandarin, Hindi, Russian, Tagoloan, French, Swahili, Latin, Gobbledygook, and Ymirish. But of course, I don't know Portuguese."

"Well don't look at me, I tried to learn Pig Latin once but I'm pretty sure the twins taught it to me wrong," Ron huffed.

"Je suis désolé mon lézard de feu a mangé votre vache. Est-ce que tu parles français?" Hermione ventured.

"Malditos turistas," the man grumbled. "Look, I speak English fine. What the hell you doing here? Why your dragon eat the damn buffalo? And why you here? Who are you?"

"Fear not, my good sir," Lockhart said, drawing himself up. "It is none other than I, Gilderoy Lockhart, Monster Hunter Extraordinaire, and my companions and protegee."

"Santa Maria," the man breathed. "I thought you saved people from monsters, not brought them! What is so bad you need a dragon to fight it?!"

"Well we're not really here to fight them, but we heard that there were dinosaurs in the area and we've come to study them," Hermione supplied.

"And rescue the blokes that got lost," Ron added.

"The dinossauro?" the caretaker said, blinking. "We've already taken care of him. He's a new attraction for the tourists."

"You have a dinosaur here?" Hermione asked, looking around hopefully.

The caretaker rolled his eyes. "Not here, obviously. But you have to play for using the airstrip before I show him to you. And for the buffalo, I suppose."

Lockhart magnanimously paid for the use of the airstrip (and the dead buffalo), and Ramoth was given her own clearing to rest in. Far, far away from everyone else. The party headed off for a nearby magical village, which was hidden down the coast aways from the muggle city. Most of the houses were stucco or adobe, with large windows and up on raised platforms from the ground for the rainy season. One building, however, was made of brick, and had a sign out front.

 **Veja o terrível Dinossauro!** the lettering read, and underneath was a picture of a small terapod with red and black hide, and a crest of hairy feathers on its head. The creature in the picture raced around the frame, showing its teeth and seaming to snarl.

"Well, that must be where the dinosaur is," Ron guessed. "Maybe if we can find out where it's from we can track down the missing party of muggles."

"Very interesting, I think this confirms that dromaesaur's had feathers. I wonder, does it have a characteristic sickle claw? I wonder how large it its," Hermione mused.

"I thought you said it was a dinosaur, not a drom-whatever," Constance growled.

"Dromaeosaurs were a genus of theropod which would make them members of clade dinosauria," Hermione affirmed.

"Well, either way, we must confront this fearsome beast, and learn of its origins," Lockhart declared.

They marched inside as a mother and her two young children came out. "Mamãe, o dinossauro era chato. Apenas falava e não rosnava nem brigava com nada!" the older of the two children said in a whining tone.

"Did you see the dinosaur?" Hermione asked eagerly. "Was it frightening? Fast?"

"Foi estúpido e chato e soou como você," the child answered, and its sibling nodded seriously.

Hermione eagerly ran inside ahead of the others, but came up short when a bored looking man sitting on a stool outside held up his hand.

"Two reals to see the beast," the man said in a bored tone. He eyed the group. "Each. No discount for children."

"I'm not a child!" Hermione protested, puffing out her chest and glaring at the man. "I'm 15!"

"Is same cost either way. Eight reals for the group."

"What's that in galleons?" Hermione asked, pulling out her coin purse and eying the meager contents skeptically.

"Ten galleons," the man answered, a greedy gleam in his eye.

"I think you will find the real is 1.72 to the galleon, my good man," Lockhart said sternly. He glared at the man, who wilted.

"Fine. Five galleons," the man grumbled.

Hermione eagerly handed over the gold and ran in, eager to see the dinosaur, with Ron hot on her heals. Inside they found a large cage with a few bloody bones in it, along with a water trough. In a shadowed corner on a bed of straw, the dinosaur lay with its eyes closed.

"It's definitely a theropod," Hermione said to Ron, eagerly rushing forward towards the cage.

Ron put his hand on Hermione's shoulder and pulled her back. "Bloody hell woman, do you not see the bones? That things dangerous. Don't get to close."

"Right, yes, sorry. I suppose it would be rather vicious, not having learned any fear of man," Hermione babbled, keeping a few feet from the cage as she edged around the cage.

At the sound of her voice, the dinosaur raised its head, and in a very half hearted sort of way, said, "Growl. Snarl. Roar." Then put its head back down.

"Well that's weird," Ron said, wrinkling his nose as Lockhart and Constance talked with the man at the entrance, who mostly shrugged.

"What's odd?" Hermione said, taking out some parchment and beginning to sketch the dinosaur with pencil.

"Well, normally creatures don't say 'growl' they just, you know, growl," Ron pointed out.

"Ronald, this is a creature long thought extinct. I hardly think we could have any idea what sort of vocalizations it would make," Hermione lectured. "Ooo, I wish it would come into the light, I want a better look at its feathers."

The dinosaur rolled its eyes, but otherwise didn't stir. Ron blinked. "Hey, hey Hermione, did you see that? I think it rolled it's eyes at you. Do you think it can understand us?"

Before Hermione could answer, the man stood and pointed a stick at the dinosaur's cage. "Hey, it's putting on a good show, yes? Those last customers left disappointed! If the dinosaur isn't properly ferocious, no dinner for it!"

"Oh no, I don't mean to disturb it, I just want to see it's head feathers. This is for scientific purposes and knowing what sort of head feathers it has would have great scientific merit. Do you know if it has any sheddings I might buy from you?" Hermione inquired as she finished her first rough sketch.

The gleam entered the man's eyes again. "Oh, we could arrange that, yes. But the dinosaur had best behave! Show itself for nice english girl with money!"

The dinosaur raised its head and glared at the man, but reluctantly got to its feet and walked into the light. "Just don't think your plucking any of my bloody hair off, you uncouth plebeian," it muttered under its breath.

Hermione didn't hear, too absorbed in her sketching, but Ron's jaw dropped.

"You can talk?" he asked, stepping forward. "You speak English?"

"Of course I can," the dinosaur declared in stiff accent of a british upper class gentleman. "A fair sight better than you, at any rate."

"Hey! No talking! People is not liking talking dinosaurs!" the man bellowed, coming forward with his stick raised.

Ron blocked his path. "Wait! It's intelligent! Why do you have it locked up?"

"Because he's an uncultured protoceratops who would sell out his own mother for a bit of coin," the dinosaur spat, edging away from the man's probling stick.

Hermione looked up from her sketch, her brow furrowed. "Ronald, theropods were intelligent, and they may have vocalized, but I hardly think they could speak english. That would be utterly preposterous."

"Not as preposterous as a bunch of upright monkey's taking over the world," the dinosaur answered. "Why, if I'd known what lay through that loathsome portal I never would have ventured forth even if the legendary golden city did lay beyond it."

Hermione dropped her sketchbook, her mouth forming an "O" as she blinked at the dinosaur.

Ron put his hand on the man and jerked him away from the cage before he could poke at the dinosaur again. "Oi, mate, shove off. It's not right to keep a thinking creature locked up like this."

The man swatted Ron's hand away and glared. "You be taking my dinosaur, you be taking Ernesto De La Cruz's dinosaur," the man warned. "I am one of his collectors!"

"I don't care who you are or who this Cruz person is, you can't keep an intelligent creature as some sort of zoo attraction, right Mr. Lockhart?" Ron asked.

Gilderoy didn't answer, instead coming forward to study the dinosaur. "Tell me, do you know what happened to the humans who tried to enter the forbidden lost world?"

"The devil are you on about sir?" the dinosaur replied. "This place is the forbidden lost world! Personally I thought it was a load of stuff and nonsense; silly superstitions to keep a gentleman adventurer such as myself at bay. However, upon further investigation I rather understand why it was forbidden. No treasure, just a load of mammals with pretensions and no manners."

"I say we leave him behind," Constance muttered. "What good would hauling around a talking lizard do us?"

The dinosaur drew itself up indignantly. "I say! I am no lizard. I am Sir Hillary Clawsworth, fellow of the Adventurers guild and the first dino to explore the savage world of men!"

"Wait, if you're a dinosaur, where did you learn to speak English?" Hermione asked, confused.

Sir Hillary rolled his eyes. "I might ask the same of you, mammal. Obviously, I learned to speak the Queen's English at Eton."

"You went to Eton?" Hermione asked, astounded. "But that's a boarding school in England! A very posh boarding school! I don't recall them having any dinosaurs there, it would have been in the news."

"Clearly this is a case of parallel worlds," Sir Hillary answered dismissively. "Here, something went wrong, and you mammals took over the world meant for saurians. You've obviously copied our culture and languages, though how you managed that I don't know."

"Magic, probably," Ron said, scratchin the back of his head. "Are you some sort of dinosaur wizard?"

"Me, a wizard?" Sir Hillary said, baffled. "Please, I said I went to Eton, not Hogwarts. No, no, I'm not wizard, though some say my skill with a gun is magical. Not to boast, but I'm quite the shot. Would have never been taken by you damn apes if I hadn't run out of ammunition firing at that damnable bunch of carnotaurus."

"Oh we simply must take him with us!" Hermione declared. "If for no other reason than that Ron is right and he shouldn't be locked up. I'm sure he can teach us a great deal about dinosaurs, and perhaps show us a part of his world!"

"No!" the keeper declared, drawing a wand. "I will not let you take my-"

Hermione stunned the man before he could finish his sentence, then pointed her wand at the lock and charmed it opened. "You can show us the way to the lost world, can't you?"

The dinosaur nodded, then paused. "Well, so long as we find my clothes that is. It's embarrassing enough to be put in a pen naked, but one simply cannot venture out upon an expedition unless one is dressed for it."

Lockhart grinned hugely. "Sir Hillary, I think we shall get along just fine."

The Sir Hillary's clothing turned out to be a crate in the back of the room, though not his supplies or weapons. To Hermione's amusement, the saurian adventurer turned out to have a pith helmet and a set of kacki's along with an honest to God monocle, which he insisted upon wearing.

"I must say my good sir, you have excellent taste," Lockhart declared. "I myself favore the more contemporary leather jacket, brimmed hat and denim jeans, but one should have an appreciation for the classics."

"Quite right, quite right," Sir Hillary agreed. He peered around, his snout twitching. "I don't suppose we have time for a spot of tea before we venture forth? Those lizards fed me nothing but water and raw meat. Most unappetizing."

"Why, we're British! There is always time for a spot of tea," Lockhart decreed.

They departed a few hours later upon Ramoth and the flying carpet. Sir Hillary turned out to be rather familiar with dragons, which he claimed were rather common in his world.

"Not quite as common as the pterosaurs you see, but those magical types do need them about for making their wands and such," Sir Hillary explained.

"Wow! I wonder what sort of wandlore dinosaurs have!" Hermione exclaimed.

"I haven't the faintest idea. I'm afraid I never had much interest in the subject," Sir Hillary admitted. "Though I imagine it's similar to what you mammals do."

They ended up needing to make camp in the jungle, where Hillary and Lockhart traded tales of derring do. Hermione rapidly wrote everything down in her ever expanding journal, while Constance grumbled about the damp. Ron, for his part, seemed happy just to be along for the ride, and stuck close to Hermione.

The arose early the next morning and flew to near the center of the amazon basin. There they found a large plateau, surrounded by swamps. "Yes, this is where my expedition crossed over into your world," Sir Hillary shouted over the wind. "I imagine that's where your own lost expedition went astray."

"Yes, that's the fabled 'Lost World,'" Lockhart agreed. "The muggles breached its defenses. We'll land at the main settlement and proceed from there."

As they flew closer, several people on brooms rose up to meet them. Upon seeing that they were riding on a dragon and a flying carpet, they waved and escorted the group down to the ground.

"Sorry everyone, the preserve is currently closed," one of the broom riders said when they had landed, hovering overhead. "Though we are glad you found and returned one of our lost dinosaurs. Those damned muggles have ruined everything."

Upon hearing this, Sir Hillary leapt up on top of Ramoth and glared at the rider. "I say, I'm not one of your missing menagerie, I'm Sir Hillary Clawsworth! I was leading an expedition into your world when one of your own kidnapped me! I'm here to return to my own world, and to help rescue that lot that somehow managed to get into mine."

"Santa Maria! It can talk?" the broom rider exclaimed, floating away and fumbling for a wand.

Sir Hillary made a clucking noise and shook his head. "Tut tut. No manners at all I tell you. Now, let me get my bearings, and I'll escort you lot to the portal sight."

"No! That's a restricted area!" the broom rider declared, pointing her wand at the party. "Just who are you people anyway?"

Lockhart, not to be outdone, jumped up beside Hillary on Ramoths back, much to the dragon's annoyance, though neither adventerer seemed to notice.

"Fear not my good madam, for it is I, Gilderoy Lockhart, Monster Hunter Extraordinar. I have come with my companion Constance Vigil and my apprentice Hermione Weasley and her minion Ronald."

"Not actually a minion," Ron called. "More of her boyfriend."

"Not actually a Weasley," Hermione shouted at the same time. "Just a family friend, though I do have aspirations to-"

"Gilderoy Lockhart?" the broom rider said skeptically, not lowering her wand at all. "Weren't you exposed as some sort of fraud?"

Lockhart hesitated, but Constance spoke up. "I can damn well tell you that this man fought and killed three nundu's with no one's help but mine and that of a veela warrior. He also fought and defeated Hernan Cortez and his army of vampires, as well as several other adventures (that have not been published and as such will not yet be discussed)."

"Three nundus?" the woman asked, hesitating. She looked to Lockhart, who nodded.

"I will swear it is so under veritaserum, if necessary."

"Well, as it happens, our last expedition through the portal hasn't come back, and we've been trying to figure out just want to do. I'll take you to Senior Auror Vasquez. He'll know what to do. Come along, this way."

The woman landed, and they followed her from the clearing to the village a short distance away. All around the village, a palisade had been erected, and aurors in robes with wands and crossbows were keeping guard. In the center of the village Hermione spied the skeleton of a large theropod which was on display, animated to move about and snap its jaw. There were several places to have your picture taken, along with two large hotels and several stalls with brightly painted signs of various knick knacks and souvenirs. All the shops were currently shuttered, and the hotels seemed mostly emptied.

"Ron, why didn't you ever tell me that the wizarding world has a dinosaur safari!" Hermione gasped, pointing to a sign that showed wizards on brooms hovering over a herd of various dinosaurs.

"Never really came up," Ron admitted. "I mean, what sort of vacation places to muggles have? We never talked about that."

"Well one can always go to the seaside or Disneyland. My parents took me to the one in Paris several times when I was younger," Hermione admitted.

Ron frowned. "What's a Disney, and why would you want to go to it's land? Is that one of the things Luna's always on about?"

"That's not important right now. Ron, we're going to get to see actual dinosaurs!" Hermione said, eagerly taking out her notebook. "Maybe I can ask Sir Hillary about their mating habits!"

"Awfully similar to yours when in the prepubescent form. Overly eager and prone to it when not adequately supervised," Sir Hillary said, not turning around to see the bright red faces of the two youths. "I really should have a word with Mr. Lockhart, as your caparone he really should be keeping a better eye on you."

"Hermione is a perfectly capable young woman; I am certain she can handle herself," Lockhart said dismissively as they approached a building with "AURORS" and crossed wands on a sign above it.

"I am rather certain the young man seems to be doing that for her," Sir Hillary said, shaking his head. "Young people these days: no sense of decorum whatsoever."

Inside the building they found only one harried looking man in stained aurors robes sitting on a chair with one leg propped up on a chair. The leg was comically tiny, looking as though it belonged to a small child instead of a full grown man.

"Senior Auror Vasquez, this is Gilderoy Lockhart and his companions. They've come to help us solve our little muggle problem. They, er, also have another one of those talking dinosaurs with them."

Lockhart bowed as Vasquez pursed his lips and eyed him skeptically. "Gilderoy Lockhart. I would kick you in the ass and boot you right out of my country, but at the moment I'm short a leg. Damn dinosaur bit it off and it's still growing."

Lockhart stiffened, then slowly straightened back up. "Ah. I take it you knew me in my previous life?"

"Previous life? I just remember you being here two years ago when you had that dust up with Cortez and his bloody coven of vampires. I wasn't on the case but we don't need that sort of trouble. The Obliviators were on the case for weeks trying to keep the muggles from realizing you'd essentially started World War Three while they were not looking."

Upon hearing this, Lockhart brightened considerably. "Ah, so you know me to be a competent hunter of fiends and a master adventurer."

"Yes, yes, I know those stupid rumors about you being a fraud," Vasquez said, making a throwing away gesture. "Thought you were one myself until you single handedly defeated a thousand year old Aztec blood god practically in my backyard."

"To be fair, I had a bit of help in that," Lockhart said in a rather modest tone. "Even one such as I cannot hope to operate completely independently."

"Hmph. Well, I suppose things here couldn't get much worse. The damned muggles keep on buzzing us with planes and helicopters looking for their missing expedition. Those idiots got some radio signals out before we lost all track of them and people know they found dinosaurs. We're trying to cover it up but not having much success. I suppose if we could get you to go through the portal and bring them or their remains back, that would solve our problems."

"That is what I am here to do," Lockhart declared, drawing himself up. "With my companions and our guide, Sir Hillary Clawsworth, we shall brave the portal and this strange new world and retrieve the muggles as well as your missing aurors."

Vasquez winced at that. "I'm afraid most of my aurors are dead, or worse. We encountered foes with powerful magics of their own on the other side of the portal. Things that look like your walking lizard there, except for- is that a monocle that thing is wearing?"

"I pray good sir, that you address me as either Sir Hillary or Mr. Clawsworth, as those are my names. I am neither a thing nor a lizard: you can refer to me as a dinosaur as long as I may refer to you as a mammal."

"Mãe de Deus it's british too," Vasquez said, sighing heavily. "Of course it is. Well, as loath as I am to let you let play the heroes, I've lost enough good aurors in this mess anyway. We'll point you in the direction of the portal, but you're on your own after that."

"We shall depart first thing in the morning," Lockhart promised. "For now I ask your permission to renew our stocks of supplies and find somewhere to rest. We've been traveling hard for days now, and it wouldn't do to set off unprepared lest we meet the same fate as those who have gone before."

"Very well. There are plenty of supplies in the hotel. I'll let the staff know you can take what you wish. You can bed down there as well. But I want you gone one way or another come morning. I believe the muggles have a saying for times like this: come back with your shield or on it, or not at all."

They left Vasquez to recover, and Ron poked Hermione. "How could you come back on a shield charm?"

"He's referring to the ancient Spartan custom of warriors returning from battle," Hermione answered. "They either were victorious and came back bearing their shields, or they came back injured or dead being carried on them. If they came back without their shield it means they ran like cowards, and were executed."

"Oh." Ron walked in silence the rest of the way to the hotel, where they found plenty of supplies for their expedition.

After that, they ate a quiet meal, then split up for their rooms. Sir Hillary and Lockhart each insisted upon getting their own room, and Constance informed the kids that "what you two get up to is none of my damn business" and went to the bar. Ron and Hermione chose a small corner room to share, then went to bed despite the early hour, exhausted from their days of hard travel.

"Hermione," Ron said quietly as they lay in bed together. "Do you think we'll come back?"

Hermione shifted in Ron's arms, taking his hands and squeezing them tightly. "I don't know. But this is the chance of a lifetime Ron. To see the ancient past, another world, powerful magics, there's so much we can learn. You don't want to turn back, do you?"

Ron was quiet, then nodded, pulling Hermione close. "As long as I'm with you, I think we'll be alright. Besides, we've come through a lot without much help from adults before. This time we have Lockhart and Professor Moo- I mean Constance and Sir Hillary. We'll be OK."

Hermione rolled over and smiled at Ron, putting a hand on his cheek. "Yeah." She leaned forward to fahufadpyuoFEPY REQ repyoRP YOUrpyuiRPYUrpyorwcp yrc yy

 _And screw you too Lockhart! Honestly. That scene would have been totally inappropriate for a T rated fic. No sense of drama my ass. Well, I might not have a stunner but Mr. Taser here works just fine. Get up! I'm taking over again._

 _I say, that is most improper! You're interrupting my tale just as things are getting interesting. You simply must let me finish._

 _Well I have a story to tell too! The one about the Weasley's fifth year. You know that's a good one. It's got action, comedy, romance, all the good stuff! I'm not getting rid of it just to stroke your ego._

 _Well, then it seems we must reach a compromise, for I suspect you no more wish to be stunned again than I do to be hit with that dreadful device you have. I propose this: we alternate chapters, working together._

 _That sounds stupid._

 _The alternative is that I make you forget your own name._

 _That sounds great! Alternating chapters it is then. I call dibs on the next one._

 _Very well. I shall go consult my notes for the next one. Farwell._

 _You can't see it, but I'm flipping Lockhart off as he leaves._


End file.
